Author note : Of course, Heavily inspired from Ginsei no Shou. (And also a sentence you might recognise if you follow the Setsugekka streaming sessions. But I fell in love with that sentence when I translated) If you played Ginsei no shou, you'll easily recognize that inspiration. Yet, I wanted to go further in the scene and also spice it up a little because I have had a River Saito addiction for a few months (as you can see in my running gag memes) so be ready for drama ! And sexual themes.
Tainted Love
Her lungs were burning, her throat aching, her breath ragged... She wasn't sure for how long they had been fleeing from Kofu... What she saw there... Her father, commanding these... She couldn't put a word on it, not now, not when she was fleeing with Saito. He was a Rasetsu too, by her fault. If she hadn't come with him at that battle in Kyoto, if she hadn't been a target for Kazama Chikage, he wouldn't be that way. He became a Rasetsu to protect her that night and now, he was suffering the consequences of his kindness. When she was seeing the beasts they were under her father's command, she couldn't even imagine how Saito might be feeling, him that was now one of them. How could he stay that stoic all the time, when he was witnessing Rasetsu going mad, even within the Shinsengumi ? They all heard Sannan at night, screaming, scratching the walls with his nails, laughing madly... He was close to the point of no return, despite how everyone was trying to hide it to her, and even to themselves.
« Yukimura. » he asked, his face sweaty but still as impassive as ever « do you need to rest ? »
How could she ? How could she tell him that she was tired when he was there, walking under the sun after a mad race that started with the first sun rays in the sole purpose of taking her to safety, fighting to protect her, killing to protect her ? How could she admit her exhaustion when he was sacrificing so much for her already ? She was nothing more than a burden. He already comforted her earlier when she burst into tears, pulling her to his chest and silently stroking her hair, calming her in his own, maybe a little awkward way. She just couldn't help but feel responsible... She was the daughter of the one who invented the ochimizu, Saito took it to protect her... How could she be selfish enough to bother him again ? Her tears had been enough.
« I'm fine, Saito-san » she affirmed in a shaky voice « I can keep going. »
« Good. » he nodded, leading the way again.
He was walking a little slower though and Chizuru wondered if he was alright or if it was for her. The pain of the sun, even if it was more bearable than the one of bloodlust, was something not to play with. Saito was the only one to keep working in broad daylight, Sannan and Heisuke more at ease at night.
« Do you need to rest, Saito-san ? » she asked in return.
« I beg your pardon ? » he replied, confused.
« With... the sun... and you fought and we've been running and walking for hours so... »
« The forest offers shadow. » he stated « It is sufficient. »
« But, Saito-san » she insisted, looking at the alternate glimmer of sun rays on his face with every step he was taking « the shade from trees isn't enough to hide you. »
« Please do not trouble yourself on my account. » he cut her with politeness yet a certain firmness.
« But... » she started again, getting closer and catching his coat in her hand.
« Step back. » he ordered and she squeaked, startled.
« I... »
She wanted to apologize but Saito put a finger on his mouth, and quickly got out of her reach as she stopped walking and stayed perfectly still. He looked around, and she could devine him on his guard even if she couldn't see his expression.
« It's fine. » he sighed after a while and he resumed walking.
« You sensed an enemy ? » whispered Chizuru, looking around her.
« It was probably just an animal. » he said with a trace of blush under his sweaty skin.
It was odd for Saito, so accustomed to reading the enemy's movements, to confuse it with an animal. Yet, she didn't say anything and just kept walking behind him.
After a while, Saito sighed with content and he smiled faintly when he showed her the scenery before their eyes.
« We seem to have escaped death. » he stated, visibly relieved.
« What do you mean, Saito-san ? » she asked, puzzled.
« This is the Tama river. » he explained « we reached Edo. The Rasetsu won't follow us there. »
They did it. They really did it. Chizuru felt like a weight was slowly taken off her shoulders and at the same time, the floor pulling her down as she fell on her knees, quickly caught by Saito's arm who held her to help her back up.
« We will rest near the river. » he said « there is no reason for us to keep walking at night in your state. »
Chizuru smiled, apologetic, and looked up. The night wasn't quite there yet and maybe, if they had kept walking, they would have reached the city before dark but her shaky legs were thankful for the opportunity to rest. Saito's hand politely guided her to a nearby tree on which she could lean and he sat too, a bit further, to clean his sword from the splattered blood since he didn't have the time to do it properly before now and just wiped it in a cloth. Chizuru watched him for a while, so concentrated and dedicated, the metal shimmering in his cold blue eyes, but she eventually surrendered to the exhaustion, falling from her sitting position to rest on the forest floor, hands under her head.
Her body was aching a bit when she woke up in the middle of the night, due to the hardness of the soil on which she laid. Saito was nowhere to be seen and Chizuru panicked a little. She looked around her, uncertain that Saito was still there with her... What if he eventually decided to leave her there ? He could easily explain that she got killed during their escape and here alone, she wasn't even sure which way was Edo, up river or down river ? Or maybe on the other side ? Her disappearance could lift a burden off the shoulders of Shinsengumi's officials. Plus, it was clear now that she was the daughter of the enemy. If Saito thought about all that, maybe he really...
The splashing sounds nearby made her startle and she escaped a squeak. She turned her head in that direction, hoping not to be alone and fearing it all the same. What if it was a ferocious animal or worse, a Rasetsu ? Shaking a little, she approached the source of the sound.
It was indeed a Rasetsu. But it was the only Rasetsu that could make her heart thump in her chest. Saito was there, in the river. He seemed to be spacing out, his naked body half immersed as he was lost in the contemplation of the half moon, whose light was subtly highlighting his features. Chizuru blushed a little, or rather a lot. Saito has always worn long kimonos, long sleeves... She was unfamiliar with his body and never imagined... this. Oh she knew it, that he was a warrior. No doubt about that. It was only logical for him to have a warrior body, with all these well toned muscles rolling as he was taking some water from the river to clean his hair, rubbing as if he wanted to pluck each one of them off his scalp. Yet, she still never imagined he could look so... handsome ? No, even handsome wasn't quite the word, she was clearly at loss for them. Blushing she averted her gaze, feeling guilty of spying on her escort that way, but when she turned around, she startled again.
« Yukimura ? »
« Ah ! Ah, Y... Yes ?! » she answered hurriedly « I'm sorry ! I didn't want to intrude ! I'm... I thought you might have left and... Wha... What are you doing, Saito-san ? »
« I'm washing it off... » he muttered absently, scratching his body frantically. He was so absorbed by his task that it didn't even occur to her that he was there, naked in front of her.
« Washing it off ? »
« The stench of blood. It seems to be following me, ever since Toba Fushimi. Maybe even earlier than that. Maybe I couldn't smell it that clearly at that time. But now... »
« I... You don't smell of blood, Saito-san. »
Yet, he didn't seem to pay attention to her comment and just kept rubbing, nearly peeling his skin off.
« Stop, Saito-san ! You're gonna hurt yourself ! »
Her worried voice had the merit to make him look at her instead of just spacing out, and his gaze nearly made her fall to her knees, overwhelmed by all the sadness and loneliness swirling in them.
« It is ineffective... I probably deserve it. I killed so much. Now, my soul is tainted forever and this stench will accompany me for the rest of it, only getting stronger with each battle. »
« Saito-san, you don't smell of blood... » she repeated « I... When you... hugged me... earlier, I couldn't smell it. »
He smelled of sweat since they had been running, of gunpowder, and of this smell that was only his, soothing her every time her nose could catch it. But certainly not blood.
« Smell it... » he repeated, back into gazing at the moon. However, he stopped scratching his skin and she guessed that was progress. « I smell you, Yukimura. »
« You... smell me ? » she repeated, confused.
« I smell your blood. All the time. I hear it pump in your veins when you are close. Earlier... there was no animal. The wind brought me the smell of your blood. You have to stay away from me, or my defiled soul could taint yours. »
« Saito-san... »
So much melancholy and guilt in this broken voice... She wondered if he would speak that openly to her if he wasn't in this kind of haze. Absently, his hands got back to work and she could see her skin getting red due to the forcible rubbing.
« Saito-san, you should get out of the water. » she said « it is early spring, you might still catch a cold. »
He startled a little and smiled faintly to her with an unfathomable expression, coming back to his senses.
« Alright. » he nodded.
He started walking towards the riverside and Chizuru blushed again and turned around, leaving him some privacy to get dressed. Soon, he was by her side, in his trousers, shirt and waistcoat, his coat hung on his forearm.
« Are you cold, Yukimura ? » he asked her « It is safe to make a fire and I can look around for a minute to find adequate wood and stones to light one. »
« I... It's okay, Saito-san. » she smiled shyly « I'm not very cold. »
He looked at her for a moment that seemed to be like an eternity and Chizuru felt her cheek redden and redden under this inquisitive gaze. Saito sighed and hung his coat on her shoulders.
« Stay here. » he ordered « I'll find some wood. »
« It's not... It's okay, really, Saito-san ! » she protested but he didn't seem to care and just turned his heels.
Alone again, she shivered and closed the coat on her body. It smelled so strong... no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't smell blood, only his scent, that scent she loved so much. It was enveloping her like a cocoon, a warm one that was giving her a rare sentiment of security. She breathed deeply in the coat, wanting to make the best of this moment and carve that smell in her mind so that she could remember it every time she feels lonely.
Saito came back several minutes later and he struggled for a long time to light the fire but even though Chizuru told him that she was warm with this coat and that he didn't need to do that, his stubbornness wouldn't allow him to give up. Eventually, he managed to get some small flames that soon turned into a warming hearth. Chizuru thanked him, grateful, and got closer to the fire to warm her hands. On the other side of it, Saito still had his hair wet and the flames dancing on his features were reddening Chizuru's cheeks.
« Thank you for the fire, Saito-san. » she said after a while.
« It is only natural. »
« Do... Do you want your coat back ? » she asked in a desperate attempt to make conversation.
« The fire is sufficient. Thank you, Yukimura. » he nodded « you should use this time to rest. I will keep watch. »
None of them spoke for a while and Chizuru wasn't feeling sleepy anymore now that she rested.
« Saito-san, you... maybe you should sleep. You never seem to... and I can keep watch. »
« My body can't sleep at night anymore. » he muttered in a low voice « I will rest later on. »
A Rasetsu... It was so easy for Chizuru to forget that he was that, now. And so impossible for him. She wondered what could be going on in his head, if he was still smelling the stench of blood, if he was scenting hers... His face was impassive as always but the flames dancing in his azur gaze were heavy with melancholia.
« Saito-san ? » she asked timidly.
« What is it ? »
« I just... I want to thank you. For everything you do for me. » she spurted out.
« I follow orders. » he muttered, blushing a little under her confession.
« Even if this is true, you are kind, Saito-san. »
He didn't answer but the small blush spread on his face in a very cute way.
« I am merely a soldier. » he muttered after a while « I do not deserve your gratitude, especially with my new nature. »
« I don't mind your nature, Saito-san. » she said « It is... I know it is my fault... »
« It is not. » he objected curtly « It was my choice. »
« I am glad... that you don't hate me, Saito-san. »
He was startled by those words and his mouth opened then closed again without a single word uttered, as if they were at the tip of his tongue but couldn't pass the barrier of his lips. He averted his gaze and put more wood in the fire in front of him.
« Don't you smell it ? » he murmured more than himself than for her « all this blood ? All the people who died by my hand ? »
Chizuru didn't know how to comfort him, and she wasn't even sure he was talking to her or just spacing out again. Yet, she gathered her courage and got closer to him, putting the sleeve of his coat in front of his nose, making his eyes widen.
« It doesn't smell blood anymore. » she smiled, trying to sound convincing « it smells me, because you lend it to me. It smells like the life you saved, not the ones you took. »
Saito seemed confused for a second and closed his eyes, taking a deep intake of air. Encouraged, Chizuru tried not to feel embarrassed by her sudden boldness and ran her fingers in his now dried hair, combing them.
« I'm removing it. » she explained « the stench of blood. My hands are taking it away. »
Saito closed his eyes and didn't answer, and Chizuru felt stupid for a second, touching his hair that way as if she was reassuring an afraid little boy and not a skilled ruthless warrior. She heard him sigh, almost like a cat's purr, and ran her fingers deeper in his short mane. Her hands traveled on his ears, his eyebrows, his nose... they traced his lips and his jaw and she couldn't help but blush red, sensing her own body heat with these touches.
« Chizuru... »
It felt strange, that demanding voice, calling her name, not calling « Yukimura » as always but her name. It didn't feel the same as when the others were calling her « Chizuru-chan ». It was powerful.
« It's gone. » she smiled, cupping his cheeks « and if it comes back, I'll take it off again. »
Saito opened his eyes and plunged them in hers, burning her with their intensity and making her drown in their depth. Unintentionally, she stopped breathing for a second, still as a statue, her hands still on his cheeks. He didn't say anything and just stayed still, limit imperceptibly pushing his cheek against her palm as if subtly asking for more caresses.
« I don't fear you, Saito-san. You are kind and dedicated. You saved many lives, mine included. It is my fault that you are now a Rasetsu and I want to help you. I want you to take my blood when you crave it because I don't want you to suffer because of me. »
Saito blushed again when she uttered those words and this time, he seemed to find some to reply to her.
« You... As an unmarried woman, you shouldn't offer your body that way to a man. » he whispered, his gaze piercing her.
« But I want to. » she stated.
Saito shivered and approached his face from hers, his lips nearly touching hers as their noses brushed against one another.
« You belong to the vice-commander... » he whispered on her tingling lips, his reason swaying.
Chizuru got confused when she heard these words. Hijikata-san never said anything of the sort to her and their relationship wasn't anything more than a professional one, page and commander. She sensed Saito pulling his lips away from her and she closed the distance between them, kissing him. She could as well have woken up a typhoon. As soon as their lips were in contact, Saito's arms immediately closed on her small body with desperation, clinging to the fabric of her kimono, his mouth working on hers with urge as he deepened his kisses, one after the other, making her unable to follow his pace as his tongue mingled with hers. Her lungs were aching due to the lack of air and her whole body was burning with an intense heat. When he eventually released her lips, she gasped for air and the sharp intake made her feel dizzy for a second.
« My apologies, Yukimura... » muttered Saito « I... I don't know what came over me. Please forgive my bewilderment and be assured that it was an isolated incident. »
« No ! » she protested « it's... I... »
She wanted to tell him that she yearned for this and that it was even harder now that he stopped so suddenly, leaving her craving for more.
« I can't... corrupt you... » he whispered, almost sounding in pain.
« You are not corrupting me, Saito-san. » she said, feeling bold again due to the radiant brazier lit inside her « I'm not tainted. »
« I know. » he smiled faintly, apologetically « I see the truth in your eyes. You are so pure you can cleanse even my sins. I feel the parts you touched are immaculate of all the times they've been tarnished, all the streams that fed my sword. But it is not enough. You are too bright for a sinner. »
« Then I will purify it all. » murmured Chizuru with a gentle smile, opening one by one the buttons of his shirt, red as a tomato but her movements assured, brushing her fingers on his skin « the blood is going away, the stains, the stench... all going away. »
Saito didn't answer, but he let her run her fingers in his skin, his eyes locked on her face without blinking. Unable to cross his gaze, she was looking at his chest, not believing her own boldness. She was caressing Saito... She wasn't even sure how all this happened but now, her fingers were running on his chest, his abs, getting up again, following his sides, reaching his shoulders to brush his shirt off, freeing his arms that she kept caressing, making her hands swirl around the right one. She reached his hand and cupped it in hers, feeling his fingers twitch a little, but he stayed as still as a statue. Still kneeling in front of each other, Chizuru got closer to him so she could run her fingers on his back, from bottom to top. She could feel him taking sharp intakes of breath against her cheek but it was easier now that he couldn't look at her anymore. She reached his left shoulder and repeated what she did on his right arm, circling his arm until she reached his left hand which closed on hers.
« Chizuru... »
« Saito-san ? »
She withdrew her head to look at his face and immediately, her lips were captured again, furiously. Saito tugged on her waist to bring her on his knees, legs parted by his body. She felt the hard bulge in his trousers and blushed when she realized what that was. His left hand was still tightly closed on hers when the right pulled on the ties of her kimono, her hakama. He didn't speak, but his lips on hers were telling more than words ever could. When he released her lips, taking her breath away again, his passionate gaze shot a bolt of electricity through her. His eyes shone with his expressed desire, even in the deep of the night. However, his haste was gone now, and he started kissing her along the ridge of her ear, the pulse of her neck, the curve of her exposed breasts, under his coat and her open kimono. Her body bloomed red and hot from his lips, stinging sweetly in spots when Saito was biting a little or sucking on her burning skin.
« Is it really alright » he asked « for me to have you like this ? »
« Yes... » she answered in a moan.
He had a somewhat mystified look on his face as his left hand squeezed her own, still not releasing it. That alone was enough to make her heart kick up a notch.
« Chizuru... Under this moon... You look like a pure spirit. Just like it, you are illuminating my path subtly, gently, yet radiantly. Thank you. »
« Saito-san... »
He lifted her backside a little to make her hakama fall, exposing her underwear, on which he swiftly pulled the ties, discarding it. With his lips still kissing every part he could reach, his fingers slithered between her legs. Pleased to find her already wet, he slowly inserted his fingers in her core, his thumb playing with the little bud above her petals.
« Aaah... Ah... Saito-saaan... » she moaned, draping his neck with her arms to pull him closer.
She felt the sudden absence of his fingers and heard him open his trousers as his lips captured hers again in a sweet reassuring kiss, soft and enveloping, like a warm pillow. Soon, she felt the skin of his shaft against hers, poking at her innermost entrance. She was feeling a bit scared and ashamed but mostly aroused by this rock hard length against her, wondering how it would feel inside of her.
« Your permission ? » he asked, the words caressing her lips.
« Yes... Saito-san... » she moaned, feeling him twitch against her, asking for her to grant him entrance.
He gradually pushed inside of her, pulling her waist closer to his stomach and she was surprised not to feel any pain, just something mildly uncomfortable.
« Am I hurting you ? » he asked.
« No... Please, Saito-san... »
She didn't even know why she said « please ». She craved something but she couldn't put words on it. There was a strange tension inside her, making her yearn for him to do something, to satisfy a need... On her command, Saito started moving, digging his right hand in her hair, stroking it like she was infinitely precious to him. His left still hadn't left hers, their fingers firmly weaved together. Chizuru started moaning loudly again, feeling him move inside her as if it was meant to be, each of his slow, tender shovings making her heart thump in her chest.
« Saito-san... Please ... »
Her voice was pleading, begging him and he increased his speed, moaning with her as he cling even tighter on her.
« Chizuru... Hold on me... »
The warmth he gave her, the rapid pounding of his heart and his shaft, all of it twinged so sweetly inside her. She held him close allowing him to suck on her neck and she shivered. His hand quitted her back, making her lose balance slightly as his thrusts intensified even more. He snaked it between her legs, touching her bud again and Chizuru's soft moans turned into breathless gasps.
« Saito-san... Saito-saan... » she kept repeating as a litany.
« Chizuru... Sorry... » he gasped as he released his hot seed in her, panting heavily.
His whole body twitched a few times, from the fingers entwined with hers to his shaft inside her and he seemed out of breath for a second, his forehead on her shoulder, his ragged breath making goosebumps on the skin of her chest.
« Are you alright, Saito-saaa... »
Overcoming his moment of dullness, his fingers kept massaging her bud while his length was still pulsating and he resumed dropping countless kisses on her face, neck and shoulders. A few minutes of that treatment was enough to make her explode in ecstasy, her head thrown backwards as she cried her heart out. When she got down from cloud nine, she basked in his tight embrace, still on his lap, their hands still weaved together. He eventually released it to comb it in her hair and she shamefully thought that she would like him to touch her again, this time using his favored hand for all the things he did to her...
« Saito-san... » she asked, aware of his half nakedness « aren't you cold ? »
He smiled to her kindly and she knew he wasn't cold, his warmth still communicative, skin against skin. Instead, his hands closed the kimono over her and patiently buttoned his coat on her.
« Don't you want it back ? » she asked shyly.
« No. » he shook his head, absently brushing his fingers on the kamon on his collar « I like this sight. »
Did he mean he liked to see his family crest on her ? Chizuru blushed at the thought. It was almost as if they were married... She would like that but she wasn't sure now was the right time to make these kinds of plans for the future.
Saito raised his gaze to the moon again and opened his mouth.
« We shall leave in a couple hours. » he said « please rest. I will keep watch. »
« Hum... Can ... Can I stay like this ? Just a little ? »
His eyes widened soon replaced by a tender expression.
« As you wish. You can stay as long as you deem it necessary. »
She smiled and snuggled onto him, holding him tight. Saito was still gently stroking her hair when she fell asleep against his hard chest.