The air is crisp that day, the sky a bright shade of blue, and the sun is out, shining on them for the first time in what feels like forever.
"This is the life, Sammy!" he declares in that boyish excited voice that only oh so seldomly surfaces nowadays. His legs are crossed, the fishing rod easily resting in his hands.
Dean pulls off his darkly shaded sunglasses and smiles at his little brother. A wide, genuine smile that makes those apple green eyes of his flash, and they do so all the more in the sunlight.
Sam chuckles "I suppose" he replies but his smile is just as genuine.
Suddenly it seems like the world has tilted. The peaceful scene before him melts like it's made of beeswax and Sam tumbles into nothingness. A vast darkness that leaves him feeling empty, panicked and most of all lost.
As he's whirled around, nothing to keep him from losing himself in the darkness it washes over him like a wave crashing down.
Dean is gone. Dead. For real this time.
They'd both cheated Death more times than they could count but what happened in the barn was finale.
Dean Winchester is dead.
His big brother is dead, it echoes from all sides.
Sam scream as if he's being burned alive, as if he's being swallowed by a big black nothing because he's alone. All alone.
Sam jolts awake. He's covered in a sheen of sweat and his breath is labored. He runs a shaky hand through his damp hair then swings his legs out of bed.
"Fuck" he curses brokenly and there's nothing left in him to keep the hot tears from streaming down his cheeks and the sobs from wracking his broad shoulders.
"Fuck!" he curses louder this time and claws at the matrass to steady himself.
Dean.
This is not the first time he's had such a vivid dream of him, of the time before it had happened. But all he is left with now is the memory of Dean's last moments.
That agonizing pain of having Dean die in his arms that hadn't dulled over time but had rather become his new normal. That last single tear Dean had wept and that had stained Sam's flannel along with all the blood. The last breath that made Dean's chest rise then fall as it had done for decades, then ceased. His head slowly slid against Sam's shoulder as his spark was snuffed out. And just like that it was over. Just like that he stood there cradling his big brother's lifeless body.
"Dean…" he sobs out and he suddenly realizes that his entire body is trembling. His breath hitches and his chest feels painfully constricted.
He's having a panic attack. Again. They'd been happening for a couple of months now.
A wave of dizziness and nausea washes over him as it becomes harder and harder to breath. He can hear himself gasping for air as if he is being choked. He feels oddly separated from what is happening to his body. As if he is watching it happen not actually experiencing it and he can't bring himself to snap back inside and get a grip.
He's pretty much had a death wish ever since he'd burned Dean's body. He'd never tried anything because he'd made a promise but nevertheless his will to live is dwindling by the day.
"Sam?" a worried voice asks, and small hands stroke over his heaving back "Look at me!" the voice urges and Sam obeys slowly turning and trying to focus his blurry vision on Eileen.
"You're okay, Sam, you're okay" she mumbles then signs it again to emphasize.
Sam nods shakily, eyes filled with tears. `bad dream` he signs back, not trusting his voice anyway.
He still feels like he can't breathe and it's starting to distress him. He grips at his neck in a futile attempt to drag in a sufficient amount of air.
"Sam" Eileen tries to get his attention once more. She presses her lips against his to stop his erratic breathing. This had proven to help with the more serious panic attacks Sam had had in the past.
Sam returns the kiss almost desperately. It calms him down enough that five minutes later he's ready to fight back the sobs and pull himself together.
He hates doing this to Eileen. He hates being so broken that he is nothing but a burden to her. She doesn't deserve that.
After the barn Sam had endured exactly five days in the bunker with Miracle before he'd packed a duffel and left the bunker forever. He drove baby two days straight, listening to classic rock, making stops only for pie and a bit of beer. It helped, made him feel closer to Dean at least for a while but it didn't last. The third day all it did was make him want to drive off the next bridge. So he stopped, got out at the edge of a forest in the middle of nowhere and started walking. Miracle followed him, quietly whimpering.
A rage took ahold of him and intensified with every step he took. "Why?" he cried not even sure who to direct the angry and bitter question towards. Whose evil doing was it to have the great Dean Winchester go out on a simple hunt? To leave him this pathetic mess after everything he'd gone through?
He didn't have any tears left to cry so he screamed instead. Screamed so loud and agonizingly that if anyone had been around they might have thought he was being murdered in cold blood. And ironically that wasn't too far off.
Each day without Dean felt like torture.
At some point he must have passed out because he woke up the next morning on the forest ground staring up at the three tops and the grey sky above. Miracle who'd been scared off by his screams had returned in the morning hours and was now patiently waiting a couple feet away.
"I'm sorry" he'd croaked hoarsely. He didn't have the strength to move so he didn't. He wanted to die. He couldn't do this without his brother. There was nothing left for him in this world.
Sometimes he wonders if he'd just given up there and waited for Death if Eileen hadn't miraculously found him. Would he have broken his promise to Dean to keep living, to be okay?
Whatever the answer to that question is, Eileen had saved him that day and continued to keep him alive even still. He knew that wasn't fair. They'd been in love for a while now, but he knew that the man Eileen had fallen in love with was gone. He'd already been broken back then, but he hadn't needed her to keep from completely falling apart. Now he does and he feels guilty for that. So so guilty.
"I'm sorry" Sam whispers and slowly pulls out of Eileen's embrace "I'm sorry you shouldn't have to keep doing this I…" he breaks off and shakes his head "I have to go." He doesn't look at her as he says it and leaves without uttering another word.
Eileen looks after him frowning deeply. She can see the inner turmoil going on inside the man and she wishes he'd just accept her help. But instead he's pulling away from her, trying to distance himself. Eileen is determined to stop that from happening because as much as Sam may believe that all he is to Eileen is a burden that couldn't be further from the truth. She loves Sam to pieces. She loves him enough to want to be the glue that keeps him from falling apart, to be the person to stay with him as his world breaks down. To her there is no other place she should be. She just hopes Sam will realize this before it's too late.
Sam drives away in Baby. His trusty Taurus gun is resting in Shotgun, his rightful place. He drives to the clearing he'd gone when Jack had died, where Dean had followed him to, not hiding his fear that Sam had fled there to end his life. He lets out a bitter laugh and parks baby.
The sun is only now rising and Sam trudges through the deep snow, making his way to the Impalas hood where he sits down with a heavy sigh. The forest around him is covered in a sparkling layer of snow, even icicles have formed, dripping from the trees as the sun shines on them. It's a rather beautiful place to die, he thinks to himself.
Sam's phone buzzes and he reluctantly sets down the Taurus. It's a text from Eileen asking him to come back home. He's been gone over an hour already, she must be worried sick. Shame and guilt creep up his neck and he groans in frustration. What is he doing?
"I must have stood outside your dorm for hours because I didn't know what you would say. I thought you'd tell me to get lost or get dead and I didn't know what I would have done if I didn't have you. Cause I was so scared, so scared, because when it came down to it, it was always you and me. It's always been you.. and me"
Dean's words never left him. They were burned into his memory forever.
"Then don't leave me" he begged just like he had that night "I can't do this without you…" he sobs to himself and suddenly the gun is in his hand again, his finger tightening around the trigger.
"I need you here with me…"
"You always keep fighting, you hear me! I'll be there with you every step. I love you so much, my baby brother."
He'd said those words for the first time then. Sam had always known it but that was the first time Dean had said the words directly.
"I love you too…"
"I need you to promise me, I need you to promise me that it's okay"
And he'd promised, given in to Dean's dying wish because he deserved that kind of piece.
Sam had believed the words for Dean's sake but now… Now he stands alone in a snowy forest with a gun pointed at his head.
"It's okay"
Sam tosses his Taurus to the ground like it's burned his hand and it disappears in the deep snow.
"Fuck." He says for the third time that morning and fresh tears stream down his face as he realizes how close he'd come to killing himself.
He absent-mindedly checks his phone and gasps when he sees the date.
It's the 24th of December. Christmas Eve.
He'd nearly offed himself on Christmas Eve and left Eileen behind.
Sam sighs shakily and wipes the tears off his cheeks.
"Thanks De." He actually smiles at that, not having used the childhood nickname since he was six years old. Even now, in the end it is always Dean who is there to save him.
Sam moves to the Impala's trunk and looks at the arsenal stored there. All the weapons Dean and him had needed on their hunts. He reaches to the very back where they keep the ax. He has to make it up to Eileen.
"Eileen?" Sam calls from the garage and opens the door leading to their entrance hallway.
Eileen who'd been anxiously waiting at the stairs for the past three hours jumps up at the sight of a rosy cheeked and slightly damp Sam. She slings her arms around his neck and hugs him tightly.
"Sam…" she doesn't hide the tears of relief "Where the hell were you" she signs.
"Surprise" Sam signs in return and takes Eileen by the hand to show her a freshly felled Christmas tree, ready and set up in a stand.
"I'm sorry" he ads when Eileen just stares back and forth between the tree and Sam.
"Merry Christmas" Sam says and it sounds more like a question but he manages a little smile to go along with it.
"Sam Winchester you…" Eileen starts, somehow managing to sound angry and happy at the same time. She gives up trying to find an adjective fit to describe him in that moment and says:
"Don't you ever leave me like that again, alright?" and there's so much love in every furious word that Sam responds by palming her cheeks and kissing her with deep passion until they both run out of air.
"I promise" he whispers as their lips eventually break apart "I promise"
Eileen nods knowingly and gently caresses over his cheeks then rests her hands on his chest.
"My turn."
Sam raises a brow not sure what she means. Eileen just smiles mysteriously and takes his hand dragging him to the bathroom.
"What the hell, babe" Sam asks wondering what they're doing in a bathroom of all places.
Eileen doesn't respond. She just makes him cover his eyes as she fumbles in the cabinets.
"You can look now" Sam slowly lowers his hands and tries to focus on the object Eileen is holding way to close to his face. It's an oblong narrow plastic stick.
"Is that…" he spots the little window showing two red stripes and tears of happiness glisten in his eyes. "You're- You're pregnant." he whispers and locks eyes with Eileen who nods at him smiling shily.
Sam's lips split into a wide smile "You're pregnant!" he repeats but this time it's more of a joyous exclamation.
Eileen grins "It's yours by the way" she jokes.
Sam shakes his head fondly, still beaming with happiness "I love you so so much" he wraps his arms around her and hugs her tight against him.
"Merry Christmas" Eileen mumbles against his chest.