Around the Sun

by BlossomOfSnow

Derek & Addison divorce when she first hands him the papers. Derek hasn't forgiven her & she's trying her best to pick up the pieces. They don't see each other again until they're both commissioned to work on a clinical trial in Washington DC, which has them spending more time together than they'd want. An ADDEK story set in the four seasons. TRIGGER WARNINGS inside. COMPLETE!

3. Fall

A/N: Thanks for reading the previous chapters! Lots of cute Addek moments in this next one. :)

Stay safe!

---

The crisp fall air welcomed them back to DC. The leaves were just turning orange in the way they used to love in New York. Derek had messaged Addison to make sure their flights landed roughly the same time so they could share a cab to the hotel. It was the first time he had done that, and while it surprised Addison, she also welcomed the chance to be friendly with Derek.

After everything that had happened on their last trip, Addison felt raw and uncharacteristically exposed. She had told him everything, laid herself bare and left nothing to doubt. Derek's friendliness despite all of that confused her. But what confused her more was the way her heart welcomed his kindness. Perhaps it shouldn't have confused her. There had always been a Derek-shaped void in her person after the divorce that it was hardly surprising how her mind sought him out. But she knew herself, knew the effect Derek Shepherd had on her, and knew she was only going to end up hurt if she allowed herself to dive deeper. She had to draw the line here, where they were. Friends. She had to guard her fragile heart, the pieces of which she had only begun to pick up in LA.

The day after they arrived, Addison and Derek walked to the hospital together. The mood between them was immensely light and amicable, the way it had always been earlier in their relationship, as medical students who started off as friends.

As they situated themselves in the conference hall in time for morning huddle, Derek poured them each a cup of coffee. Without really thinking, Addison reached for a packet of sugar and added it into one of the cups, followed by a quick dash of half and half. She took a teaspoon, stirred it before resting the spoon on the saucer and pushing the cup of coffee towards Derek. She then proceeded to take a sip of her black coffee.

Derek observed her actions, the corner of his mouth turning slightly upwards at the familiarity of the gesture.

Not realizing what she had done, Addison raised a curious brow at Derek. "What?"

Derek shook his head, still smiling. "Nothing," he answered before picking up his coffee cup and taking a sip.

He never could get his coffee to taste exactly the way he wanted to. In all the years he and Addison had been apart, he had been settling for just-okay coffee, not entirely sure what it was about the way Addison made it that made it so hard to replicate.

Addison narrowed her eyes suspiciously, humming before taking another sip of her own coffee.

"You still like your coffee black?" Derek asked, taking the teaspoon and stirring.

"I do. Old habits die hard."

"You've been taking it black since we were in medical school."

Addison shrugged. "I didn't want the extra calories if I was gonna consume so much of it," she reasoned. And then she paused, suddenly realizing what she had just done. "Do you... still take your coffee with one packet of sugar and milk?" she asked, mildly embarrassed.

"I can never remember if I use one or two packets of sugar per 100cc of coffee," Derek explained jokingly.

She rolled her eyes at that. "Is the coffee okay though?"

"It's perfect," Derek answered without missing a beat. "I guess it's a packet per 250cc then."

"It's not rocket science, Derek. And it's not that precise."

"I know, but I can never get it to taste the way I like it."

Addison only smiled and shook her head, turning her attention back to her own coffee.

...

The following few days went on just as lightly. They performed ORs together, had lunch at the cafeteria together, even occasionally caught dinner outside of their hotel. It was apparent that the former Shepherds were getting along much better. No one knew exactly what switch had turned, but they were grateful for it. No more bickering and quarreling and tense silences. It was much awaited peace.

Three days later found Derek leaning on the swivel chair Addison was sitting on, peering over her shoulder as she answered the New York Times crossword. Their faces were mere inches apart, but if they noticed, they weren't bothered.

"5 down is Madonna," Derek pointed.

Addison nodded, writing the answer down with her blue sign pen. "I'm surprised you know."

"Growing up with 4 sisters, you kind of know who Material Girl is."

"I guess," Addison shrugged as she wrote the answer to 21 across. Love.

"Wait a minute, how do you know that?" Derek asked surprised. The clue was the score before 15 in tennis.

"What, I can't know sports?" Addison asked in fake annoyance.

"No, but I didn't know you were familiar," Derek answered, finally pulling his own swivel chair and sliding next to Addison.

"I played tennis in high school."

Derek furrowed his brow at that. "You did? I thought you played lacrosse." He figured he would have known that from 11 years of marriage.

"I did, and I ran track for a while too. It was just a way to get out of the house so I wouldn't have to deal with Bizzy. The tennis thing didn't last very long."

"Why not?"

"I started getting serious with the clarinet, and I hoped to get into Julliard, so I tried to spend as much time practicing."

"That's right, you were a band geek."

"Oh shut it," Addison answered, playfully swatting Derek. "Not everyone can be homecoming king."

Derek grinned. "I wasn't homecoming king."

"You were," Addison insisted, rolling her eyes. "I saw the pictures at your mom's house."

"Okay fine, I was homecoming king," he laughed. "We were quite a pair weren't we?"

"High school doesn't really matter in the OR," Addison pointed. "And we both know that in the OR, I'm the cool kid," she said, looking straight at his eyes.

Derek shook his head, smiling, not once breaking eye contact. "12 down is Tolstoy," he said without missing a beat before taking a sip of his coffee.

Addison only smiled.

When Andrew entered the conference room a few minutes later, he had to smirk. Addison and Derek were sitting next to each other, coffee in front of them, the daily crossword between them, their heads so close together as they argued over the answer to one of the questions. It was remarkably similar to their days in internship, Addison and Derek pouring over a patient's chart at the nurses' station, hairs mingling, ogling at the ultrasound of a patient with a bifid ureter.

"Well, isn't this a sight to behold," Andrew commented good-naturedly.

Addison and Derek looked up, smiling sheepishly and looking only mildly discomfited.

"You two look like you're getting along much better."

"We are," Derek confirmed, giving Addison a slight nudge.

"I'm glad to hear it," Andrew smiled, taking a seat at the table. "What do you have scheduled today?"

"We don't have another spina bifida case until next week," Addison answered. "So I agreed to do a C-section on a placenta accreta patient later at 2."

Andrew nodded approvingly. "Are you gonna attempt saving the uterus?"

Addison shook her head in response. "Too risky. The mother wants to get a hysterectomy right after. It's her third child anyway and she doesn't want any more."

"What about you Derek?"

"Oh, I've got nothing scheduled," Derek smiled, taking a sip of his coffee.

"Then how about you take the time to go around the city?" Andrew suggested. "Have you been to any of the Smithsonians?"

"I went to the Air and Space museum when I was 10," Derek answered proudly. "The one at the Smithsonian complex."

Andrew chuckled at that. "Well, things certainly have changed since you were 10." Derek made a face. "I recommend the one in Chantilly. They've got Enola Gay over there, if you're into that sort of thing. Or maybe you can go to the Museum of Natural History."

"Nah, I don't think anything can beat the one in Manhattan," Derek smiled jovially, turning to Addison with a look.

Addison nodded in agreement, a soft smile gracing her lips at the thought. "Remember when we went that one time?"

"The blue whale exhibit?" he replied, fondly remembering one of their first dates as medical students. On a rare day off, they went to visit the museum and stayed for hours at the blue whale exhibit. Addison had thoroughly enjoyed herself, savoring the calm under the azure light, holding hands with Derek and leaning her head on his shoulder.

"That was a great day," Addison sighed wistfully, also recalling the same moment. That trip to the museum was the first of many, as they had returned numerous times with various nieces and nephews over the years that followed. But that first time was the most memorable one. For a few hours she forgot the stress of trying to be a doctor and just savored Derek's presence at a place of relative calm she didn't know existed in the big city.

Derek smiled at her, squeezing her hand underneath the table.

Andrew bit his lip and then cleared his throat, breaking the spell but enjoying the short reminiscence the former Shepherds just shared.

"Well," Andrew said finally. "Maybe a walk around the mall? It's a gorgeous fall day. I know the cherry blossoms are long gone but I think you'd still enjoy."

"Thanks, Andrew," Derek answered. "I'll think about it."

Later that day, Addison was in the middle of surgery when she looked up at the gallery and caught a surprising glimpse of Derek. He was sitting next to a few interns, watching her intently, a content smile on his face. He didn't end up going to the Smithsonian that day. Watching Addison perform surgery was more than enough.

...

"It is frigid here," Addison commented sourly as she tied her scrub cap and started washing her hands.

"Good morning, Addie," Derek answered sarcastically. "And it's frigid in New York," he pointed, soaping all the way up to his elbows. It was well in the middle of October but the temperatures were fast dropping.

Addison rolled her eyes, rubbing the soap between her fingers. "Yeah, but I haven't been an East Coast girl in years. LA is warm and sunny all year round."

"You're an East Coast girl at heart and you know it," Derek mused, shaking his hands rid of the excess moisture before lifting his hands up to chest level to avoid touching anything unsterile.

"LA has grown on me," Addison answered, mimicking Derek's action as he pushed the OR door open. They were greeted by the scrub nurses who gowned and gloved them both.

"I've never been to LA," Derek commented, standing on the patient's left side while Addison stood to the right.

The anesthesiologist signaled that the patient was already under and ready for the procedure.

Addison hummed thoughtfully. "Ten blade," she asked, holding her hand out to the scrub nurse. "You'd like it," she answered as she made a transverse incision on the patient's abdomen, vaguely hearing the circulating nurse call start time. Derek held on to the cautery on one hand and a retractor on the other, assisting Addison as she peeled the layers of the abdomen.

"You think so?" Derek asked, expertly assisting her.

Without looking up from her work, Addison nodded. "There's fishing. Which you apparently like doing now."

Derek looked up, affronted. "Excuse me?"

Addison scoffed as she incised through the subcutaneous tissue. "What, you think I don't know that you live in a trailer in Seattle? Where you fish and wear flannel and embody the woodsman you were apparently always destined to be?"

Derek shook his head, his eyes betraying the smile underneath his mask. "Fishing is great."

"So it is you think," Addison answered dryly, hands moving in perfect synchrony with Derek's, not minding the OB GYN resident standing to her right and waiting to assist. "That's why I know you'll enjoy LA. There's fishing."

"Really."

"I live next to the pier. You can fish right off it. I've never tried it though," Addison answered, carefully exposing the uterus. As a seasoned obstetrician, it took only a few moments for her to dissect all the way to the uterus. It was a skill she needed for emergency C-sections, and one she had mastered quite well. Her best record was 30 minutes from cutting to last suture. "Ultrasound," she called.

An orderly pushed the sterile ultrasound machine next to Addison. Addison offered the probe to the OB GYN resident. "All right, Dr. Crawford. Locate the fetal back."

The resident gladly took the probe and carefully maneuvered over the exposed uterus to show where the defect was located.

"Very good," Addison praised. "You may insert the ports." Addison took a small step to the side, allowing the skilled resident to accomplish the task.

"There's also Hollywood," Derek commented, his eyes not leaving the resident's hands as she delicately inserted the ports.

Addison chuckled despite herself. "Yes, Hollywood," she commented dryly.

"And Disneyland," Derek grinned.

"And Disneyland," Addison repeated in agreement, taking the ports from the resident and suctioning some amniotic fluid from the uterus and injecting some carbon dioxide to better visualize the spine. Once she was satisfied, she looked up at Derek and nodded. "All yours Dr. Shepherd."

"Thank you, Dr. Montgomery," he smiled, taking the probes from Addison and injecting some anesthetic. "Remember when we went to Disneyland in Paris?" he asked, his hands expertly exposing the spinal defect, eyes fixed on the operating field.

Addison nodded, keeping her eye on the fetal monitor and watching the heart rate. "I think the one in LA is better," she commented absentmindedly.

"You think everything in LA is better," Derek countered, starting to carefully reduce the sac. He had noticed how Addison always made it a point to compare things to LA now. It was a bit disconcerting, if only because he had always known her as an East Coast girl.

Addison only shrugged. "Well, everything is. At least compared to Seattle."

"I actually kind of like DC," Derek said offhandedly. "It's growing on me. Two weeks in a month for the last 6, 7 months? Almost feels a bit like home"

"I tend to agree," Addison answered distractedly, eyes still trained on the fetal monitor. The truth was that Washington DC did start feeling like home. She loved that the museums were all within reach, loved that the city itself was immersed in so much history. She loved the open spaces, the friendly neighborhoods, the wonderful schools, the hospitals, and thought more than once what a great city it was to raise a family in.

"Addison," Derek said, calling her attention and breaking her thoughts.

She whipped her head to glance at Derek and in half a moment understood what he needed. She gently took one of the probes and maneuvered it to give Derek a better view of the spine. They continued to work in silence, the tandem of their hands moving like a well-oiled machine not lost on everyone in the operating room with them.

Twenty minutes later, Derek successfully reduced the sac and placed the last stitch on the fetal back. Derek looked up and smiled at Addison. "Back to you Dr. Montgomery," he teased, giving Addison a playful wink.

She rolled her eyes and then carefully removed the probes and stitched up, allowing the resident to finish suturing the skin. When Addison was satisfied, she thanked the resident, the nurses and the anesthesiologist before walking out of the OR to scrub out.

"Great work, Addie," Derek commended, walking right behind her and throwing away his gloves.

"You too, Der," she smiled, running her hands under the water and scrubbing off the residual latex powder on her fingers.

Wordlessly, they finished scrubbing out and together walked to the station to start their post-op notes. Addison took to the computer first, Derek leaning next to her at the station.

"Do you have anything else scheduled after this?" Derek asked, reading Addison's notes from behind her shoulder.

She shook her head. "No, but I was thinking I might take the Metro to the Lincoln memorial and walk around for a bit," she answered, eyes still trained on the computer and fingers typing her OR Technique. "It's too early to be cooped up in the hotel room."

"I thought you said it was frigid," Derek pointed out, chuckling.

"Oh, it is," Addison agreed. "But I can bundle up. Besides, this surgery went so well, I don't quite mind as long as I walk around with a cup of hot coffee."

"Or maybe some juju," Derek suggested without second thought.

Addison paused, eyes lifting from her work and settling on Derek. "Juju," she repeated, feeling nostalgic just by uttering the word.

Derek shrugged and gave a half deprecating smile. "That was weird right? I haven't said the word juju, let alone had juju in..."

"A long time," Addison finished, agreeing. It wasn't weird, per se, but at this point in their lives juju definitely felt foreign.

"But it sounds like a good enough reason to have it, right?" Derek asked, watching Addison turn her eyes back to monitor and resuming her typing. "Successful surgery?"

Addison hummed thoughtfully before nodding, gesturing to Derek so he could type in his part in the OR technique.

"Let's hope the juju here is as good as Maria's at the Sinai cafeteria," Addison said finally. Derek grinned before continuing his work in silence, their hips bumping together playfully.

A few hours later, Derek and Addison were walking amiable side by side at the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool.

"I hear when it gets colder, the pool freezes over and people can skate on it," Derek said. His left hand was stuffed deep into his coat pocket, and his gloved right hand was holding on to a cup of hot chocolate.

"I think that's pretty cool," Addison answered, mimicking Derek's position. Her red hair sat loose under a classic black beanie, a navy blue knitted scarf snug around her neck. "Definitely beats skating in Bushnell Park," she commented dryly.

Derek chuckled. "Not that Bizzy would ever let you skate in a public park, Addison."

"No, she wouldn't," Addison agreed. "She'd think it was too pedestrian," she said, leaning heavily on the last word with such distaste as she sipped her hot chocolate. Her mother was always too snobbish for her own good.

Derek only nodded. "How's your juju?"

"Maria makes it better," Addison answered honestly, referring to the kind cafeteria lady at Mt. Sinai who used to make the best Mexican hot chocolate for her and Derek when they were interns. The drink was thick and rich, with a hint of chili that made it so irresistible.

"I agree," Derek said, their pace slow and unrushed, enough to say they were enjoying each other's company. They used to take walks like this, in Central Park, before they got successful and busy and careless, a cup of juju each in one hand, the other's hand in the other. "I wonder how she is now."

Addison shrugged. "Well, wherever she is I hope she's well." She paused, and then, "And still making that divine hot chocolate for the interns."

"And her enchilladas," Derek reminded her.

"And her enchilladas," Addison agreed. "God bless Maria."

Derek laughed, and then Addison laughed, and for a moment it was like none of the past 5 or 6 years ever happened. They were back in New York, in Central Park, arguing over who got the train set from the Christmas catalogue they were choosing gifts from, kissing in between pages, holding hands and loving each other.

"God bless Maria," Derek repeated, pausing from his walk and turning to Addison, giving her a meaningful look. The smile on his lips was soft, and something about it was sad and remorseful, a sign of an ache he didn't know existed deep within his heart. But the smile was sincere, honest, and even grateful.

Addison stared, and then gave him a soft sad smile in return before she began their walk again.

...

She was scrubbing out of a successful surgery when Derek noticed it first. She had just performed a C-section and he watched from the gallery. After she had thrown the last stitch, he made his way to the scrub room to greet her.

They had been doing ORs back to back for so many months now, scrubbed out in the same room together, but this was the first time he had noticed it.

The rings. Her rings. Which were distinctly absent from her breast pocket.

When they were married, Derek used to tease her about not needing to pin the rings to her scrubs while she operated. He wasn't swimming in money when they got engaged, and her engagement ring was definitely less than the 2-carats a Forbes Montgomery was probably used to. Which meant to say no one would ever think to steal her rings if she left them in the locker room along with the rest of her things. But she insisted on keeping them close to her person at all times, only removing them to operate. He never admitted it to her then, but he was touched by the care she showed. He knew that to Addison, the value of the rings didn't lie in how big the stone was or how much he had spent to buy it. The value which she held on to was the fact that it was from Derek, and she wore it with pride just as she used the name Shepherd with pride.

He never got to tell her how much the repeated gesture of keeping the rings pinned to her scrubs meant to him. He had insisted on getting her a bigger ring somewhere between their 5th and 8th anniversary, when he could afford more. But she was adamant that she didn't need one. The one you gave the first time is enough, Derek, she would say. He listened, but he stopped listening when he started getting successful, and bought her more and more expensive jewelry as a way of offsetting the time he wasn't home. He knew Addison didn't appreciate that, and didn't value those gifts as much as her simple engagement and wedding rings.

But here, now, watching carefully as Addison scrub out, he felt an aching in his chest at the thought.

He used to do this all the time—watch her operate and then meet her in the scrub room as she finished. He always got a kick watching her unpin the rings and slip them on, admiring them for a moment before going about her day. Earlier in their marriage, he would even hold his hand out so he could slip them on himself, the way he did on their wedding day.

There was familiar comfort in the way he leaned against the wall of the scrub room now as Addison finished drying her hands, but it was also accompanied with an unfamiliar ache, a steady heaviness, at the realization that there were no rings to unpin, and no rings to slip back onto her finger.

He didn't realize he was staring until Addison cleared her throat uncomfortably.

"Earth to Derek? You still in there?" she asked, brows furrowed and a small frown on her lips.

He mentally shook himself and then stood up straight. "Yeah, yeah, I'm good," he answered, trying to sound reassuring. "Good work in there."

She shrugged off the compliment. "It was a routine C-section."

He nodded wordlessly, eyes catching her left hand now as she unconsciously touched her left breast pocket and then put her hand down. Derek knew it was probably muscle memory, the way Addison almost searched for the pinned rings unconsciously. That made the tightness in his chest more pronounced—knowing she had been doing it long enough for it to be muscle memory. It couldn't have been easy to unlearn that.

He wondered then how she managed to take the rings off completely. And how in the world he managed to do the same without much thought. He had taken his own ring off the night he left New York. Never put it back on ever since. He still had it, buried in the pocket of one of his winter coats in storage in Seattle. But he had never put it back on since that night. Knowing Addison the way he did, she probably went through an incredibly difficult time taking the rings off completely.

"Derek?" she questioned, startling him out of his thoughts.

Her eyes narrowed. "Are you sure you're ok? I just said I was gonna do post-op notes," she said, gesturing towards the door he was currently blocking.

"Oh," he exclaimed, giving her an apologetic smile. "Sorry about that."

"I'm feeling strangely inaudible," she said, eyes still narrowed suspiciously as she slid past him to the nurse's station. "But that's ok. You look like you just went through a 12-hour surgery with that worn down look you're sporting," she continued mildly as he followed her out.

"I do not look worn down," he said in defense, but his voice was lacking the fervor it should have.

"You have something very heavy on your mind," Addison replied knowingly, pulling the patient's chart out without looking at Derek. "I'm not sure what it is, but that was the exact face you had when you found out Amelia relapsed that one Christmas."

Derek sighed. "Addison." She still knew him so well, it was unnerving sometimes.

She just shrugged in response. "Why don't you go back to the hotel and talk to Meredith? You don't have to stick around here, certainly not for a C-section, and you really look like you could use a back rub."

When he didn't move, Addison finally glanced up from the chart and looked at Derek. He looked very pained, and he really did look like there was a heavy weight on his shoulders.

"Is everything okay between you and Meredith?" she asked cautiously. The way Derek seemed to carry the weight of the world in that moment didn't make sense to Addison, unless it was about Meredith or his family. Nothing could affect Derek so much. Even with patients, the heaviness was different.

"Everything is okay with Meredith," he answered quickly. "It's not about Meredith."

Addison hummed thoughtfully before nodding once and turning back to her chart. "Okay."

"But also," he continued, "we don't have to do that. You know, be the kind of friends who talk about their significant others. I don't know about you, but I'd rather not hear about who you're currently dating."

She rolled her eyes. "Derek, we can't compartmentalize that. And besides, we're friends. Friends talk about those things. So if you need a listening ear about problems with Meredith, I can be a friend," she said with a shrug.

Derek grimaced at the thought. Somehow, talking to Addison about his woes with Meredith seemed wrong. And he certainly didn't want to hear about her love life. Even if they were friends. He reasoned there were different kinds of friends, and somewhere in the rule book of friendships, ex-spouses could not talk about their new significant others. It just wasn't possible.

"It's not about Meredith," he reiterated.

"Okay, it's not about Meredith," she said, holding her hands up as if in defeat. "But there is definitely something bothering you. And knowing you, you'll let that simmer and brew for a bit, so might I suggest you going back to the hotel?" She definitely didn't need him sulking at the hospital.

Derek sighed, knowing Addison was right. He wasn't going to be good company at the hospital. And he definitely wasn't going to tell her that the reason he was so worn down was because he was thinking about their wedding rings. Which of course sounded absurd, but in truth be told affected him more than would care to admit.

"Fine," he answered tiredly.

Addison softened, giving Derek a sympathetic look. "When you're ready to talk about it, if you even want to, I'm right here. But whatever it is, it looks like it's eating you. So go back to the hotel, get yourself a glass of scotch, and call it a day. Okay?"

He stared at her for a moment, taking in her concerned face and how she seemed to know exactly what he needed. With another sigh, he nodded, giving Addison a perfunctory kiss on the cheek before starting to walk away.

She watched him walk. The kiss, though platonic and and casual and completely normal between friends, sent a shiver down her spine. But just like Derek, there were things she either wasn't ready to admit, or was ready to ignore all together. Just as she was about to turn back to her chart, Derek called out.

"Don't stay out too late," he reminded gently. "And text me when you get in."

She nodded, giving him a soft, sad smile before watching him turn the corner and disappear. Things with Derek were definitely getting a little intense, she wasn't sure she was fully in control of things still.

...

"You ready to go?"

Addison looked up from the baby she was fussing over at the NICU to see Derek leaning against the entryway. Derek was called to do an emergency shunt insertion, so Addison hung out at the NICU to pass the afternoon away. She could have stayed to watch Derek operate, but with the way things were going between them, she figured she could put some space. It was nice, how easy things were with Derek, but she was reasonable enough to know that if she kept at the pace they were going, she would fall madly in love with him again. And that simply could not be.

"How'd you know I was still here?" she asked suspiciously.

"Lucky guess," he replied as he walked all the way into the NICU, standing across Addison with the incubator between them. "So are you ready? There's a deli about a block from the hotel I thought we could try."

Addison nodded. "I just have to change."

"Me too. Shall we?" he asked, gallantly offering his arm out to her.

She shook her head and chuckled at the gesture, but she looped her arm anyway. "You're in a good mood," she observed as they made their way to the locker room.

"Surgery went well," he explained.

"That's good."

They continued to the locker room and dressed up in their street clothes in companionable silence. Twenty minutes later, they were walking out of the hospital lobby, walking side by side.

"So this deli we're going to?" Addison questioned as she matched Derek's casual pace.

"I heard one of the residents talking about it."

"I see you like to get your food recommendations from the grapevine," she observed thoughtfully.

"You know, word of mouth is usually the best way to know if a place is good."

She nodded in acquiescence. "True. It's how we knew that Thai place in Columbus Circle was good, remember?"

"With the really good Thai iced tea?"

"And pad thai," Addison agreed, mind automatically conjuring thoughts of dinner dates with Derek and Savvy and Weiss over chicken satay and jasmine rice.

Derek grinned. "That was a good place. I don't think I've had really good Thai in Seattle."

"There are a few good ones in LA."

"I should have guessed you were going to say that," Derek teased as they stopped at the foot of the crosswalk, waiting for the green man. Addison, at nearly every turn, had sung LA's praises. She used to be such a New Yorker, and he could never picture her away from the bustling big city. But here she was now, not bothering to hide how much she missed LA when she wasn't there. He realized there were so many things that had changed. He still knew so much about Addison, but there were also so many facets about her that he didn't anymore. That made him feel discretely uncomfortable.

"LA is a lot like New York," she explained, oblivious to Derek's thoughts. "It's a melting pot. There's bound to be an authentic form of every cuisine somewhere within driving distance. I'm sorry Seattle isn't comparing much."

Derek made a face and then laughed. "Have you been back there?"

"To the Thai place?" she questioned, brow furrowing.

He nodded, instinctively taking Addison's hand as the green man appeared and they crossed the street.

"I have," she answered, surprised and not surprised at the same time as Derek kept holding on to her hand even after they had successfully crossed the street.

"With Savvy?" he asked curiously, assuming it could only be either Savvy or Nancy.

Addison thought for a moment before she shook her head. "No," she answered slowly. "It was with Mark, actually," she admitted, her voice a little quieter, not sure how Derek would react.

He squeezed her hand a bit to reassure her. "Yeah?"

"Yeah. It was before I moved to LA. It was just... a goodbye dinner, I guess."

Sending her discomfort, he tried to assure her. "You can talk about him Addison. You don't have to be so uncertain."

She cast him a dubious look. "I don't know. Are we there yet? I mean... as friends, are we there yet? Didn't you just mention the other day that you didn't want to be that kind of friend?"

He frowned before shrugging. "We're friends," he said simply. "I think I can take it. Maybe in small doses at first, but it'll be fine," he said encouragingly. Well, he wasn't entirely sure he could take it, but he figured that in small quantities, Mark could even be considered a neutral topic.

Addison nodded, still slightly hesitant. "Okay."

They walked another 20 feet in silence before Derek spoke up. "Have you seen him since?"

"Since I moved, you mean?"

"Yeah, since you moved to LA."

"I saw him last year when he flew out to California for a conference," she answered. "But, I mean... I still consider him a friend, and I send him birthday presents and Christmas cards and whatever."

"How is he?" Derek asked, trying to keep his tone light.

"Maybe you should give him a call," she tried, but quickly shut up when Derek cast her a sidelong glance. Okay, maybe not yet. "I'm sorry, this is awkward. I think we need to put this in our friendship rule book."

"Friendship rule book?" he asked, amused. He was still holding on to Addison's hand unconsciously.

She nodded vehemently. "I don't think we can talk about Mark. It's too much. For you and for me. Because I know you hate him, and I did too for a while, but I've gotten past it and I still feel incredibly sorry over losing a good friend in him. But you? You're not ready for this."

Derek considered her words for a moment. He knew that towards the end of their marriage, Mark was the only person Addison had. The only one who understood what she was going through, because he unwittingly got front row seats to it when Derek kept shoving him in his place. Mark was Addison's friend, and when things went sour, he realized they all lost. He lost his wife and his brother. Addison lost her husband and best friend. And Mark? Mark lost his only family. It was difficult to conceive feeling sorry for him before tonight, but talking about him now, with Addison, made him realize he wasn't the only party who was hurt in all of this.

"You still talk to him?" Derek inquired after a moment.

"Not the first two years," she admitted, chewing on her lower lip. "It was too hard. But after a while I realized I didn't have a lot of friends to begin with. And Mark definitely didn't have a lot of friends or family. At all. And I guess I kind of felt really bad for him."

Derek kept walking, matching Addison's pace and still keeping her hand in his. He didn't say anything, so Addison continued.

"I know I hurt him a lot, after I... you know..." she said as she gestured. Without saying it, Derek knew she meant the abortion. He felt like he was stabbed yet again, but he chose to ignore it for the sake of a meaningful conversation with his ex-wife. "And I've always carried this guilt about being a terrible friend to him."

That surprised him. "Addie..."

"He admitted that he fell in love with me," she asserted quietly. "And he wanted to really try being with me, the whole relationship thing. But I couldn't. I needed to heal after we divorced, and he was just this big fat reminder of what I had done wrong. So I couldn't be what he needed, I couldn't love him, not even as a friend. And I regret that." She paused, gathering her thoughts. "But after I allowed myself the time to think and to process, I realized it was unfair that he got caught up in the middle of our mess. He was collateral damage to our marriage, and that wasn't fair to him."

"Did you tell him all of this?" he wondered.

"Eventually," was her reply. "Two years after the divorce, I flew to Mt. Sinai for a case and ran into him. We had a good talk. We just came to the conclusion that we probably couldn't be friends the same way we were before, but we could still be in each other's lives."

Derek gave an almost imperceptible nod. "Was he okay with that?"

Addison shrugged. "I don't know. I mean, it was all I could offer at that point, and I could see he was so broken from everything that he just took what he could get." Addison knew Mark's childhood, how deprived he was of affection, and how he quickly latched on to the mothering of Mrs. Shepherd when he and Derek were 6 years old. She knew what he went through, she knew how it felt, because in some manner she gone through it too. It was just a typical WASP childhood. And that made her feel so sorry for him. She understood him on a level Derek never would, because Derek didn't grow up with a home that was lacking in love. "Mark is a good person, Derek. You of all people know that."

"It's not so good when he sleeps with your wife," Derek stated plainly, unable to keep the bitterness from his voice.

"We all made mistakes," Addison insisted, almost expecting Derek's response. "All of us. But he has paid the most out of any of us, to be honest."

Derek considered this for a moment. "He's tried reaching out to me over the years," he confessed. "But I never return his calls."

Addison squeezed Derek's hand. "Maybe you will next time," she offered hopefully.

"Maybe," Derek said with a shrug. "So you guys talk often?" Derek's curiosity was bordering on morbid, to be frank. But there was a part of him that had to know the extent of Addison's friendship with Mark at this point.

"Not often," Addison replied, still hesitant. "He calls on my birthday, I call on his. We catch up. I send presents and cards and we talk over the holidays. That's usually the extent of it." Addison looked at Derek then. "He's a good person," she reiterated. "Hopefully one day he'll get the same chance as I'm getting now, with you."

Derek sighed and offered her a small smile. "Maybe," he said again.

Mark was complicated. Mark was Derek's best friend, his brother for all intents and purposes. But when he had slept with Addison, he felt no obligation to try to be friends with him again. But he would be lying if he said he didn't mourn the loss of his friendship, too. He was hurt and angry and furious when he lost Addison, but he can admit now he had also lost an immense amount when he walked out on his friendship with Mark. He had not found a friend like him since coming to Seattle.

They reached the deli, and Derek opened the door for Addison. She walked in, grateful to be out of the chilly DC air. They chose what they wanted to eat, had them pack the food, and then decided to brown bag it at Derek's hotel room. He reasoned he had a 6-pack cooling in his minibar and it would go well with their selections. Addison couldn't disagree. All thoughts of Mark seemingly disappeared after ordering their food.

When they got to Derek's hotel room, he shrugged off his coat before helping Addison out of hers. She then placed the food on the table as Derek pulled out two bottles of beer from the fridge and opened them. Addison took a seat as she laid out the food, with Derek following half a second later with the beer.

"I see you don't get much of a view," Addison commented lightly as she looked out of the window to see a small playground and kids running around.

"Yeah, it changes every time," he explained. "The higher floors are nicer."

"You should always just ask for the same room," she suggested. "I'm pretty sure you can request that."

Derek nodded. "Do you always get the same room?" he asked curiously

"No," she started, "but Andrew always gets me a suite anyway."

"Excuse me?" Derek blubbered incredulously. "A suite?" That was definitely news.

It was Addison's turn to shrug, but then she flashed him a gloating grin. "I'm his star," she explained simply. Derek wasn't supposed to know that, but she couldn't help teasing him.

Derek stared at her before shaking his head with a smile. "You were always the favorite."

Addison grinned at that. "At least I was the favorite somewhere. Because I definitely was not the favorite at home, growing up." Unlike Derek who was the golden child, the boy who could do no wrong.

"Not even Archer?" he asked, genuinely curious.

Addison rolled her eyes. "Not even Archer. Especially not after puberty hit and he realized he could screw. Just like the Captain."

Derek laughed at that. "Well, you're a worthy favorite," he conceded. "You deserve the suite."

"Really? You don't feel even half bad about it?" she asked suspiciously, hands fiddling with the brown paper bag of her sandwich.

"Addison, it's a hotel room. I couldn't care less," he replied. "As long as I get a room, I'm fine. But you, Ms. Forbes Montgomery, you definitely always have to have the suite."

"You could have gotten a suite too, if we stayed married. You'd be favorite by extension," she stated matter-of-factly, without second thought.

"That's true," he answered in concession. "But that also means I have to share the bathroom, which means I have to wake up a full hour before I actually have to just so we don't run late. And I kind of really appreciate the extra hour of sleep." Especially now that he was free from Meredith's snoring.

She shrugged at his answer. "Pros and cons then."

Derek shook his head, grinning at her before taking his bottle of beer and tilting it towards Addison. "To friends," he announced.

Addison smiled back and clinked her beer bottle against his. "To friends."

...

They were having lunch at the hospital cafeteria when Derek's phone rang. It was Meredith. Casting Addison an apologetic look, he stood up to take the call.

"Hello?"

"Hi. Derek," she said. "Is this a bad time?"

"No, no, it's okay. What's up?"

Meredith shrugged. "Just checking in on you. We haven't spoken in two days. I was on call the other night, and last night I was just too tired."

"I'm sorry," he answered sympathetically. "I know how tiring residency can be."

She nodded. "Just a little more though" she replied optimistically. "So how have you been?"

"I'm okay," he answered. "Actually just finished up an OR this morning."

"That's good."

"What about you?" he asked, eyes glancing towards the table he was sharing with Addison. She wasn't looking in his direction. She was busy reading a journal she had snatched from Andrew's office earlier that morning.

"About to scrub in. We're evacuating a clot."

"Sounds rough," he answered supportively. "I hope you were able to grab some breakfast."

"Yeah," she replied, sounding distracted. "Anyway, I have to go. I just had a minute and thought to check on you."

"That was sweet of you," he said sincerely.

"I love you," she replied.

"I love you too," he answered mechanically.

There was a pause, and then, "Say hello to Addison for me."

Derek took a double turn but recovered quickly. "I will. Good luck on your surgery."

The call ended and he hurriedly went back to his and Addison's table. She hadn't touched her food. She was waiting for him before she started eating. Looking up from her journal, she raised a brow at him.

"Everything okay with the missus?" she asked as she uncrossed her legs and poised herself to begin eating her lunch.

"How did you—"

"Derek," Addison scoffed, rolling her eyes. "Don't insult me by wondering how I know the things I know."

He smiled sheepishly. "Everything is okay with Meredith."

"Good," she answered, satisfied, as she moved to uncover the salad she had selected. "Is she almost done with residency?"

Derek nodded as he unwrapped his sandwich. "She'll be done in about a year."

"She must be excited," Addison commented conversationally, sticking her fork into a cherry tomato and then putting it in her mouth.

"She is," he confirmed. "She's already thinking of fellowships."

"In Seattle?" she asked innocently.

Derek shrugged as he swallowed his bite. "She's looking everywhere. I think she wants to do one in Boston."

Addison nodded in agreement. Boston had a number of great neurosurgery fellowships. Derek had considered some of them while they were still married. "And if she does, you'll be moving to Boston, too?"

"What?" Derek asked, looking up and sounding surprised. Move to Boston?

Addison frowned. "You guys are married right? I suppose that means where one is, the other shall be."

Derek mirrored Addison's frown. He reached up to scratch the back of his head. "To be honest, I haven't really thought about it."

Addison shrugged, taking another bite of her salad. "You have time to figure things out. It's not for another year."

He nodded slowly, pondering Addison's question as he chewed. Mindlessly, he took the extra fork Addison had taken and pierced an olive from her salad. Addison never liked olives.

"Besides," she continued, not minding Derek intruding on her salad. "I think it makes more sense for you to follow her around. You're well established, any hospital would take you. But wherever Meredith goes for fellowship isn't entirely up to her. Between the two of you, I think you can afford adjusting."

"I guess," he answered non-committally, taking in Addison's point. "It's really just not something we've really discussed yet."

Addison looked up and met Derek's gaze. She looked at him with questioning eyes before her lip twitched at the corner. "You don't want to move from Seattle," she observed.

Derek paused, at this point not really surprised by the way Addison could read him so well. "Not really," he answered on a sigh. "But I mean, I guess you're right. My career can take it."

It was true, he and Meredith hadn't really discussed their options after she finished her residency. And he hadn't really thought about moving from Seattle. But now that he was being conversationally confronted by his ex-wife, he realized the thought of moving didn't sound too appealing. His career was stable though, and could take another move. After all, it had been 4 years since his last big change of employment, and he was even more well established now than he was before. But he sat uncomfortable at the thought of leaving the comfort Seattle had brought him and starting all over again in a new city.

She nodded approvingly, unaware of Derek's thoughts. "It's all about compromise."

Derek stopped, considering her words for a moment and then smiling that sad smile he now so often sported when he thought about his and Addison's earlier relationship. "We didn't have to make decisions like this," he pointed, gesturing between him and Addison.

He would be the first to admit that early in their marriage, he was madly in love with Addison and would move to Timbuktu if he needed to, if only to be with her. But somewhere along the way, his love for his career had taken over. He doubted he would have compromised with her if they found themselves in similar situations towards the end. Come to think of it, there were many things he failed to compromise with her through the course of their marriage, and that was a hard truth to swallow. He had gone from doting husband to nearly a stranger. It was amazing how Addison kept up with him after how badly he was treating her.

She pursed her lips in thought. "We were young," she reasoned simply. "We thought we had the whole world at our feet. Things worked out for us because we both got into our first choice fellowships and we both wanted to stay in New York anyway. We were on the same page for a lot of things," she replied, pausing. "But I think we would have made difficult choices if one of us didn't get in to where we wanted."

"I'd like to think I'd have compromised," Derek answered seriously. He'd like to think that, of course. And maybe earlier in their marriage he would have. But he couldn't even compromise just to spend dinner with Addison especially in their last year that to say he would have seemed awfully self-serving.

"Yeah, me too," she agreed, surprising Derek. "You were always the good guy, Derek," she continued plainly.

"You think I'll be the good guy now and move to Boston for her?" he asked, not expecting the goodness Addison still saw in him after all those years.

"I know you'll be the good guy and move to Boston for her," Addison answered seriously. At least, she hoped he would have learned his lesson by now. "Besides, you guys are married. Pretty sure it's in the vows somewhere. It's in the fine print."

Well, that he wasn't expecting. "Yeah, about that, we're not really married," he blurted, and then was immediately bashful.

Addison raised a perfectly arched brow at him, frowning. "I am also pretty sure I heard from Nancy that you referred to Meredith as your wife. She's still mad by the way, that you didn't send her an invite to the wedding."

Derek chuckled at that. "That sounds like Nancy."

Addison nodded, still thoughtful. "No, but really?"

Derek sighed, shaking his head. "I do consider her my wife," he said slowly. "I mean, she is my wife. But we're not legally married," he tried to explain. This was Addison—this was the least explaining he would ever have to do to someone who mattered. Because his sisters? They wouldn't let him off the hook quite so easily.

Addison stared before she shook her head. "I foresee this conversation is going to give me a headache," she answered wryly, touching her fingers to her temples.

He chuckled again. "Want me to get you a Tylenol?"

"No, I want you to explain yourself," she countered firmly, taking a bite of her salad.

"We're married on post-it's," he explained simply, as if it were the most normal thing in the world. He took a bite of his own sandwich as he watched Addison process what he had just said.

"Post-it's," she repeated dumbly.

He nodded, suddenly feeling his cheeks redden at the way Addison was staring at him. He couldn't read her expression, per se, but he had a distinct feeling Addison was... calculating.

"Do I want to know?" she asked, her tone wary.

Derek shrugged. "Just... as little fuss the second time around, I guess."

Addison continued to stare before she nodded slowly in understanding. "Yeah, I don't think Nancy would have wanted to fly all the way out to Seattle for something like that," dropping the subject as quickly as she could to lighten up the conversation.

He laughed. "No, she wouldn't. And she would have judged. Because that's what Nancy is. A judger."

She rolled her eyes. "Nancy is your sister. And you seem to have fooled her and your entire family into thinking you're legally married and they never got invited to your 2nd wedding."

"Did Nancy say that?" he asked knowingly.

"Yes," Addison sighed. "But so did Lizzie and Kathleen. I'm guessing you haven't been keeping in touch with them."

Derek shrugged. "They're all judgers."

Addison chuckled at that, unable to deny that they could judge pretty horribly. "Yeah, they can be pretty intense," she conceded.

He looked up from his food then. "Are you judging me?" he asked curiously, eyes suddenly intent on Addison. He didn't know why he felt he needed Addison's approval.

"Me?" she asked, surprised. "I mean, not that my opinion matters but you do you, Derek," she said sincerely. "You're happy. This set up works for you. Who am I to judge?"

Derek gave her a sincere half-smile. "Thanks," he answered genuinely. "For not judging."

Addison nodded before giving Derek a small smile. "I may be a Forbes Montgomery, judging is in my genes" she said airily. "But I am also human, and I know happiness when I see it," she continued seriously, feeling like an awfully big person for saying what she just did.

Derek was taken aback by her words, realizing not for the first time (but definitely in a while) what an amazing person Addison was. People were used to seeing such a strong-willed, confident, snarky Addison, but she could be the most compassionate and level-headed person, too. He missed that about her. He missed easy conversations with her. He didn't have that in Seattle. Richard didn't count. Richard was his boss. And Meredith? Well. There were compartments in his heart that weren't ready to be unpacked with her just yet. But he figured, all good things took time, and everything would be revealed in perfect time between him and Meredith.

But Addison was right about one thing—he was happy. Recently, he had been more than happy. He was content. But at this point he wasn't sure that Addison wasn't a significant part of it. But he offered her a small, grateful smile anyway before finishing up his lunch, knowing that whatever he felt about his ex-wife had to be tabled for another time.

…..

There was a swift almost demanding knock on Addison's hotel room door, and she quickly got up to check who it was. She opened it, revealing a soaking wet Derek looking at her glumly.

"Derek? What happened?" she asked as she opened the door wider to allow him in. "And why are you soaking wet?"

"Can I maybe get a towel first before I tell you everything?" he asked sourly.

She nodded quickly and pulled a towel from the bathroom handing it to him to dry off. It was 11pm, and Addison was just about ready for bed. She tightened her robe around her as Derek almost fruitlessly dried himself off.

"What happened?" she asked, biting her lip and trying to ignore the wet puddle on her carpeted floor.

Derek sighed. "My lobectomy ran late, the patient coded twice on the table," he replied as he tried to towel his hair.

"Is he okay?"

"He's okay," he answered. "But it was pouring by the time I got out of the hospital and I didn't have an umbrella."

Addison chose not to point out that it rained practically always in Seattle, and he should have had an umbrella at the ready. "Why didn't you take a cab back?" she questioned.

"It's two blocks away, there just wasn't any sense in getting a cab for two blocks," he reasoned. "It just started pouring harder half a block from the hospital, at which point I couldn't get a cab soaked."

"So you walked," she stated.

"I walked. And when I got to my hotel room, the key card wouldn't work."

"What?" she asked with disbelief.

He sighed. "My key card was sopping and I forced it into the slot, and apparently the entire system malfunctioned because of it."

"Wait, what?"

"Basically there's water damage in that machine that reads the key card and they're still trying to get it fixed," he continued tartly. "They'd move me to another room but A) all my stuff is in there, and B) they're fully booked tonight because of a conference at the university."

"Derek, I'm so sorry," she said sympathetically, although there was a part of her that wanted to giggle at his misfortune. Derek hated having bad luck, and today was just not his day.

He sighed, looking around Addison's suite before his eyes landed on Addison. "It might take them another hour to get the thing to work. Meantime I told them I'd hang out here for a while," he said apologetically. "I'm sorry, I hope you don't mind."

She gave him a half smile before shrugging. "What are friends for?" she answered rhetorically. "Did you have anything to eat yet?"

"I had a sandwich on the way out," he answered distractedly, fiddling with his dripping pants.

Addison watched him try desperately with his clothes before sighing. Wordlessly, she got up and went inside the bedroom, retrieving a pajama set she had brought unconsciously with her. She stood in front of Derek and silently handed him the clothes.

"What's that?" he asked confused, eyeing the clothes Addison was holding out.

"Clothes you can change into in the meantime," she answered, waving her hand for him to take it.

"Thanks, but I don't think I'll fit into your pajamas," he said dryly.

She rolled her eyes. "Would you just take them?"

Reluctantly Derek took the clothes and spread them out. That was when he realized the grey shirt was a ratty Columbia med shirt he probably owned at some point, and the bottoms were a pair of sweat pants he was sure were his. He looked up at Addison, her face only mildly embarrassed.

"These are mine," he said with amazement.

"They were once yours," she corrected. "But you left them at the brownstone and since you left me the brownstone after the divorce, they are legally mine.

He gave her a look that was clearly meant to tease her about packing the particular set of sleepwear all the way to DC, but she held up her hand to stop him from talking.

"You don't get to judge," she said firmly. "Either you take them and put them on, or you leave them and stay in your soaked jeans. But any which way you choose, you do not get to say anything," she continued with a frown. The clothes were Derek's, and she couldn't part ways with them when she sold the brownstone, often slept in them not just because they were comfortable (which was, of course, the press release to anyone who asked), but because she missed him and they made her feel close to him. These days she rarely gave it thought when she wore them, didn't even realize she had packed them until she was racking her brain for anything in her suitcase that could help Derek get out of his soaking clothes. But she was suddenly so self-conscious with the way Derek's lip twitched into a half smile when he realized what they were.

He raised his hands in mock surrender, but cast her a grateful look as he moved to the bathroom with the clothes she had offered. When he had dried himself enough and put on his old Columbia shirt and sweats, he felt a wave of nostalgia wash through him.

He assessed himself in the mirror. They still fit. But they were definitely more worn than he last remembered. He was certain Addison washed them often with their current state. He tried not to think about how Addison wearing his old clothes brought on mixed feelings. For one, he was a little sad at the thought of her in that ratty old t-shirt. Through the course of their marriage, he never mentioned it but he always noticed that Addison wore his clothes to bed if she had a particularly tough day. Towards the end, she wore them more often, although he ignored the tear stains on her cheeks that often accompanied it as she slumbered in their bed alone. On the other hand, the thought that she still had his things excited him even though it shouldn't have. But he shook himself of that thought. Now was just not the time.

He exited the bathroom to find Addison sitting on the couch, still in her robe, watching some mindless TV. She looked like she was about to fall asleep.

On hearing the bathroom door creak open, Addison lifted her head to see Derek come out in his old clothes. There was a heaviness in her chest she was very much willing to ignore at the sight of him, instead giving him a half smile.

"All dry?"

"All dry," he confirmed. "I hope you don't mind that I hung my clothes to drip in the bathroom," he said as he made his way to the couch to sit next to her.

"Not at all," she replied, smiling. "Do they know where to find you after they've fixed your door?"

He nodded. "I told them to ring me here."

She cocked her head in approval before turning her attention back to the TV, her eyes drooping shut slowly as she fought her sleepiness. Derek noticed her nearly falling asleep, patting her knee.

"You can go to bed," he offered. "I can stay out here and wait for them to call. You don't have to wait up with me."

She shook her head. "No, that's not how to treat guests," she replied.

Derek chuckled. "It's okay Addie. You're already struggling to stay awake. I'd hate for you to be tired all day tomorrow on my account."

She shrugged. "Still not how you're supposed to treat your guests," she insisted, one of the many Montgomery traits that was hard to shake off.

Derek sighed, shifting in the couch so Addison could rest her head on his shoulder. "How about this. You can stay out here and keep me company while I wait for them to call? And you can fall asleep anytime in between."

She thought about it for a moment before she nodded, handing Derek the remote and then settling herself so that her head was resting on his shoulder. Derek smiled, dropped a short kiss on the top of her head and mindlessly flipped through the channels. Before long, her breathing steadied and he allowed himself to rest his head on her head, like they used to. Within a few minutes, he was asleep too.

When the phone rang some two hours later, Derek gently woke Addison up and she groggily transferred to her bed. He thanked her for the hospitality, pulled his clothes from the bathroom and made his way back to his hotel room, still wearing his old shirt and sweatpants. He'll have to remember to give them back to Addison.

...

"Do you think Lizzie has forgiven me for taking Dad's favorite shirt?" Derek asked out of nowhere. They were at Dulles Airport, each waiting for their flights to board, seated across each other at a gate halfway between their respective ones. Addison sat across Derek, her carry on occupying the seat next to her, her coat draped over her legs. Derek, who always traveled light, just had a small briefcase and was nursing a cup of coffee.

Addison looked up from the newspaper she was reading, brow furrowing. "That's a very random question," she replied frankly. Derek wasn't known to be... random. Indecisive, yes. But not random.

Derek shrugged at Addison's questioning gaze. "It's just... the other day when we were talking you mentioned Lizzie and Kath talking to you about Meredith. And I mean, I guess I figured you guys still talked, and I haven't spoken to any of them in the longest time. But I was wondering if you think Lizzie has forgiven me about the shirt thing?"

Addison frowned, putting the newspaper down and cocking her head to the side. She knew Derek rarely talked about his father. "Lizzie doesn't hold grudges," she stated matter-of-factly. "That's more of a Derek trait than a Lizzie."

He gave her a half smile at that. "Yeah?"

She nodded seriously. "I'm pretty sure she's forgiven you."

"Like she's forgiven you?" he asked, no malice behind the question.

Addison paused to consider what Derek had asked. It's true that after she slept with Mark, Derek's sisters were furious. But they had mellowed down and each came to her separately after the divorce went through. They all played witness to how Derek had treated her before she slept with Mark, and knew Derek wasn't completely faultless. And they had forgiven her. By some force of magic, it was as if nothing happened, and they welcomed her with open arms as a sister and friend despite everything.

"Like I said, she doesn't hold grudges," she answered, eyeing Derek warily.

"I like that you still keep in touch with them," he stated, the honesty thick in his voice.

She licked her lips. "Really? It doesn't make you uncomfortable?"

Derek shrugged. "They're your family, too. The Fifth Shepherd Sister." The title hers ever since he brought her home on their first year of medical school.

"Yeah, I don't think your mother would be too pleased to hear that," she replied dryly, knowing full well Mrs. Shepherd wasn't especially fond of her.

He chuckled. "My mother loves you," he answered out of habit.

"And that, Derek, is a lie," she said, pointing at him lightly. "We aren't married anymore. You're under no obligation to lie about how much your mother has hated my guts since the very beginning but tolerated me at best because you loved me."

Derek stared at her, and then shook his head with a smile. "She doesn't hate you," he insisted, resting the coffee cup on the cup holder.

"Well if she didn't when we were married, she certainly does now." She fixed him a look. "I appreciate that you tried to temper it while we were together. But honestly, I've known since the beginning she didn't like me all that much. You just loved me enough to lie about it." When Derek didn't answer, she chuckled humorlessly. "She probably loves Meredith, if not simply for the fact that she is not Addison."

Derek reached across to pat Addison's knee lightly. "You're right, she loves Meredith. And I don't mean to say that to hurt you. But you could say the tides have turned because although she loves her, my sisters... well, not so much." It begrudged him to admit that his sisters weren't too receptive of Meredith. As he did with Addison, he had tried to strike a balance so that there would be as little friction as possible between Meredith and his sisters. But he knew beyond doubt that his sisters weren't too keen on passing on the title of The Fifth Shepherd Sister to Meredith Grey. A huge portion of that, he would admit, was his fault. He had kept his life in Seattle entirely separate from that in New York. He couldn't blame his sisters for whatever notions they had about Meredith and his relationship with her.

"Really?" Addison asked, sounding amused.

He rolled his eyes, settling back into his seat. "Don't sound so surprised. I'm sure Nancy has mentioned her disdain to you more than a couple of times."

"Not in so many words," she answered lightly, looking at Derek sympathetically. "But Derek, they'll only like her if you give them a chance to get to know her. Have you brought her back out to New York at all?"

Derek shrugged. "I like my peace, and I don't have a death wish for Meredith."

She raised her brow at that. "A death wish?"

"Meredith didn't have a very easy childhood," he tried to explain, tucking his foot behind the other. "So family is a bit of a complicated thing for her. I really wouldn't want to upset her by subjecting her to, let's say, Christmas at mom's house. That's the lion's den. You know Nancy and Kathleen wouldn't let up."

"Christmas is pretty intense," she agreed thoughtfully, thinking of her first Shepherd Christmas and how nervous she was. "Then let her have them in small doses," she suggested. "You know, let her meet them one at a time. Then they'll really get to see what you see in her. But you have to give them all a chance to get to know her, or else she won't stop being the slutty intern."

Derek did a double take. "The what?" He has heard Nancy and Kathleen refer to her in not so kind terms, and he always came to her defense. But hearing it from Addison was definitely a new experience. He was uncertain if he was mad or amused.

If Addison was sheepish to mention how Nancy referred to Meredith in their many phone calls, she didn't show it. She merely shrugged. "Derek."

He sighed, not feeling like being defensive at the moment. He needed someone to listen, and it was easy to be honest with Addison. "They've called her a lot of things," he admitted after a moment. "And it upsets me. They don't even know her. But it's like they don't even care that it upsets me. I'm their brother, this is the life I've chosen. They could be a little more supportive."

"Like I said, you have to give them a chance to get to know her," she answered, feeling sorry for Derek. She crossed her leg and bumped her boot against Derek shin lightly, a gesture meant to keep things light.

"I don't think it'll help if Mer finds out you've kept in touch with them and that you still have a sparkling relationship with them," he said truthfully.

"It's not sparkling," Addison said slowly, leaning on the last word for emphasis. "But I won't lie and say it's not good. I'm flattered you think I'm still their sister, but I am even more honored to have sisters in them. You know I didn't have that growing up." But in her mind she conceded it probably wouldn't help the situation if Meredith found out about her seemingly perfect relationship with Derek's sisters.

Derek gave her an apologetic smile. "I know. I don't blame you, and I definitely don't want you to stop being friends with them. I'm glad you guys are still close."

She nodded, taking in Derek's words and appreciating the fact that he has, in effect, given her his blessing to continue holding the title of The Fifth Shepherd Sister. "Nancy calls the most. I've also seen her the most since we go to the same conferences" she offered. "Lizzie calls like once a month, usually while she's in the middle of a glass of wine and feeling particularly overwhelmed."

Derek chuckled. "That sounds like Lizzie. I'm sure her husband is driving her nuts. I knew he would at some point."

Addison rolled her eyes at that. "That's rude. Nathan is a good guy."

"He's weird," Derek said with finality. "And Kathleen?"

She shrugged. "She calls every time she has a theory about why you're the way you are."

"Is that often?" Derek grimaced.

"Maybe once every two months," she chuckled. Kathleen loved to psychoanalyze people. Derek most especially. Amelia too. Addison conveniently failed to mention that she still called on everyone's birthdays, including all the nieces and nephews, sent them presents, and have occasionally had lunch with all 3 of them whenever she found herself in New York. The truth of the matter was that she really did have an amazing relationship with all of his sisters, and she would fight tooth and nail to keep that relationship even if it meant upsetting Derek.

"And Amelia?" he asked hesitantly. Of all his sisters, Amy was the one he had not spoken to in the longest time. They had a complicated relationship. Perhaps having a shared trauma made it harder to connect with each other, even though most people would say it should have brought them closer together. But Amelia adored Addison from the moment he brought her home with him when Amy was just 14. And Addison had stuck around through some of the lowest points of Amelia's life.

"I'm guessing you haven't spoken to her in a while too," she answered tentatively, gaging his reaction.

"Not since she relapsed that one Christmas," he admitted. It was just too hard. Amelia was his baby sister, and he always felt like the overprotective big brother. That was what made it so hard with her when she got into drugs. It was the realization that he couldn't save her, no matter how much he tried. That one Christmas was actually around his and Addison's 3rd year of marriage, which meant he hadn't spoken to Amelia in almost a decade. At least not in any significant capacity.

She nodded slowly in response. "You know she finished med school?"

"Mom mentioned that," he answered automatically.

"And that she trained under Ginsberg?"

"Ginsberg?" Derek asked in disbelief, unable to keep the surprise from his voice. "Amelia is—"

"A neurosurgeon," she confirmed, finishing his sentence for him knowingly. She wasn't entirely sure what Derek knew about Amelia, but based on what Amelia had told her, it was easy to guess that Derek knew next to nothing, except the fact that she was still alive.

He stared at her. He didn't think Amelia had it in her. That was shameful in itself—to doubt your own sister's capacity when you were cut from the same cloth. "Wow," he exhaled, leaning back into his seat.

"Your mom didn't mention it?" Addison asked curiously. Surely Mrs. Shepherd would have taken any opportunity to brag about any of her children's accomplishments.

"I don't think she knows Ginsberg is impressive," he replied with a half-smile. "And I may or may not have been paying much attention to what she says."

Addison offered a sympathetic smile. "Amelia is doing well after everything, Derek," she said gently, trying to reassure him.

He nodded, staring past Addison's shoulder at the planes parked at the gates but not really seeing them. "You talk to her a lot?"

"You could say that," Addison answered, knowing Derek was contemplating. "We work at the same practice."

"Wait, what?" he asked with surprise, eyes suddenly on Addison as he sat up straight in his seat. "Amelia is in LA?"

She nodded affirmatively. "Even lived with me for a bit before she found her own place."

"I thought you would have mentioned by now that you work with my baby sister," he commented, but not really sounding mad.

Addison shrugged unapologetically. "It just never came up."

Derek nodded again, chewing on his lower lip. "I'm glad she has you, Addie," he replied after a moment. When Addison didn't answer, he continued, looking straight into Addison's eyes. "I know she doesn't have the best relationship with any of the others. For all intents and purposes, you were always her sister. You were always there for her."

"Amy is my sister," Addison confirmed with a soft confidence. It was true—she did consider Amelia family.

"She looked up to you when she was growing up," he answered, sounding wistful and regretful. "I'm almost certain she got a lot of her spunk from you."

"No I think her spunk is definitely Shepherd. It's like your stubbornness mixed with Nancy's determination and Kathleen's humor." Addison nearly laughed at all the times they had to remind Amelia to filter. The practice was used to it by now, and she was definitely refreshing to have around.

He gave her a half smile, suddenly feeling immensely sad and regretful at the thought of his estranged relationship with Amelia. "Either way, she looked up to you. And you were there for her when nearly everyone abandoned her. Even mom. Even me."

Addison nodded, recalling Derek's anger over Amelia's relapse. How he absolutely refused to bring her to rehab, and how Addison drove her up to Connecticut herself to check her in. She remembered how Derek refused to talk about her, refused to return any of her calls, and refused to acknowledge she existed for the better part of their marriage. Amelia would come when Derek wasn't there. And if she ever caught him at the brownstone, he would ignore her. But Addison was there for all of Amelia's pain, stood by her when not even Kathleen or Lizzie could soften up and stand with her.

"Amelia needed someone to fight for her, so I did," Addison said simply. "I'd do it for her, and for any of your sisters. In a heartbeat."

Derek leaned forward, taking Addison's hand in his and squeezing it gratefully. "I'm glad they have you. Amelia most especially. I'm glad Amy has you."

When they boarded their flights, Derek's thoughts were plagued not just by the images of Mark and Amelia, of his sisters picking up the phone to dial Addie's number and gossip with her. He was also plagued with the memories he and Addison had shared—in DC in the past few weeks, and also throughout their marriage.

The past few weeks had been incredibly pleasant. He realized what a huge part Addison had been in his life, and how much they still knew about each other even if surely they both tried to bury those things in the past. Addison knowing how to make his coffee. Derek knowing that Addison liked hot juju on cold days. Addison being able to read his mind in a way that made him certain there was nothing he could hide from her.

Perhaps, it is in these quiet moments, relishing in the familiarity and the lightness and easiness of his relationship with Addison the past few months that he could finally admit to himself that he still loved her. With certainty now. Without a hint of question or doubt. He loved her. And that was surprising, considering he knew all of the dirty truth about Mark and the abortion. It was a surprise to him that he could find himself still loving her despite all of that.

Addison had shown him nothing but immense patience and compassion—with her support of his relationship with Meredith, his love for his sisters, her gentle prodding to include Meredith in family functions so that Meredith could have the same relationship she had with Nancy and Kathleen and Lizzie. Addison had displayed a maturity he had never seen in her before—one, he surmised, could only be borne of two things: either she genuinely cared for him as a friend, or she still loved him too and wanted him to have everything he wanted.

He couldn't allow himself to think that way though. He had Meredith, and Meredith trusted him enormously as he set out to do this trial. But more than that, he didn't believe a relationship with Addison beyond friendship was remotely possible, no matter how much he might still love her. They had hurt each other extraordinarily, and he didn't think either of them were ready to dive into another chapter of Derek and Addison Shepherd.

He sighed then. There would be more thinking, he surmised. More moments lost in thought, more reminiscing, more memories resurfacing of how it used to be, and how it could be in the future. But he couldn't act too fast. The realization that he still loved Addison was a revelation in itself, like being hit by a ton of bricks. He was always under the impression he would always love her in some capacity. But to entertain the very real idea that he was in love with her? That was something that could not be taken lightly. Just a few months ago, he hated her with every bone in his body and wished to have nothing to do with her ever again. But now, with the moments they shared, the small ones and the big ones, he couldn't imagine going back to a life without all of that.

With Addison, it was never easy. I mean, it was, at the start. But marriages required work, and he was immature enough to not be willing to put in the work to fight for them. But he has gained more perspective since then, and has realized that if he really wanted to, they could make it work this time.

But of course, those were just thoughts. He couldn't, not with Meredith. And he couldn't hurt Addison again. She deserved so much more. If he were to act on anything, he had to be absolutely certain about his course of action. But whatever confusion he had about his feelings for Addison, one thing he was sure of—he loved her. Plain and simple. And the past months have only allowed him the opportunity see Addison in the way he used to—confident, spunky, competent, compassionate, but so immensely loving and caring. He missed all of that about her. Missed her. Missed not needing to put up any pretenses when he spoke. Missed being open and honest without fear of being judged. Missed laughing at her snarky remarks and her impeccable sense of humor. Missed being loved by a woman so far out of his league but loved him anyway.

Was it possible that after everything—11 years of marriage, an affair, a dirty divorce, an abortion, and four years of hating her guts, that she might still be the love of his life?

...

"You're not gonna suddenly pick up shop and move to DC permanently, right?" Amelia asked as she splayed out on the deck chairs Addison had in her home. She was sipping a virgin mojito while Addison was sipping a glass of wine.

"What?" Addison asked, voice laced with confusion as she stretched her legs and allowed the warm rays of the setting sun to hit her face. "What do you mean?"

Amelia shrugged. "You're spending a lot of time there," she stated.

"I have work there," she pointed, glancing at Amy. "And it's only two weeks a month."

"Two weeks a month is life half your time," Amelia replied. "DC not growing on you?"

"I like DC, but not enough to move there," she answered honestly.

Amelia nodded, satisfied. "Good, because I don't want to move to DC."

Addison raised a brow at that. "Why would you move to DC?"

Amy rolled her eyes as if the answer were obvious. "I've grown older, and because I've grown older, I found I actually like being close to family. And since you're the only family I've got, I obviously have to move wherever you are."

It was Addison's turn to roll her eyes. "You have family," Addison insisted. "And you didn't move to LA for me."

"True," she conceded. "But I stayed in LA for you. Because I like having my sister around."

"You stayed because you got offered a job." But that was beside the point. Addison smiled then, reaching out to pat Amelia's hand. "Amy, you have 3 sisters in New York."

"I also have one right here. And I don't know about you, but if I had four sisters, I'd definitely choose the one with the least amount of crazy."

Addison chuckled. "You don't think I'm crazy?"

"Oh, you are," Amelia confirmed unapologetically. "But it's crazy I can tolerate. Nancy is already a force. And if you combine that with Kathleen's psychoanalyzing and Lizzie's mothering, it will be too much."

Addison hummed thoughtfully, shifting in her deck chair and taking a sip of her wine.

"So how are things with Derek?" Amelia asked suddenly. She had been meaning to ask how things were going with her brother and his ex-wife, but it never seemed like the right time. Not that she ever cared about there being a right time for things, but with Addison, she seemed to make an exception.

"They're good," Addison answered truthfully but without looking at Amelia.

"Like... good good, as in... banging good?" she asked frankly.

"Amelia!" Addison exclaimed, shocked.

Amelia put her hands up in mock surrender. "I'm not judging. I mean, two weeks in a month and you two haven't banged yet with all that pent up hostility? I'd be shocked if you weren't getting into each other's pants to let out some steam."

Addison shook her head in exasperation. "Derek and I are not sleeping together," she reiterated defensively.

The younger woman flashed her a knowing look. "Yeah? But you want sleep with Derek don't you?"

"Amelia," Addison replied tiredly. "Not that it's any of your business who I spread my legs for. He hated my guts for the better part of this trial so he is definitely unavailable and definitely off limits," she said "And you know he's married," Addison added.

Amelia snorted derisively. "What, to the girl Nancy lovingly refers to as the slutty intern?"

Addison shrugged, swirling the wine in the glass. "Her name is Meredith, and she makes your brother happy."

"I don't know how much willpower it took for you to say that," Amelia replied perceptively before taking a sip of her mojito.

Addison sighed, eyes fixed on the ocean. "A lot," she answered with honesty. Lowering her wine glass, she shifted so she was facing Amelia. "Meredith is a great girl. Your brother loves her. You should fly out to Seattle—not just to meet her, but maybe also to talk to Derek. When's the last time you've spoken to him?"

"It's not for lack of trying," Amelia replied defensively. "But also, we were talking about your relationship with Derek, not my relationship with Derek."

Addison frowned, her expression betraying the confusion she had been feeling the past few months. Amelia was, like Kathleen, immensely perceptive, and she caught on to the inner turmoil Addison was going through.

Slowly, she set her glass of mojito on the table between them and mimicked Addison's position so that they were facing each other.

"I'm listening, Addie," she said quietly, with an expression that bore so many similarities to Derek's that it was difficult to forget they were siblings.

"Like I told you he hated me with a passion when the trial started," Addison began, "and threw Mark in my face every chance he got."

"I'm sure you put him in his place," Amelia answered, not surprised by her brother's pettiness.

She shrugged, reaching to take a big sip of her wine and setting it back down. "I mean, I tried. But you of all people know how nastily things went down. So you could imagine it wasn't sunshine and roses. The entire hospital was talking about us, and Andrew, our boss, had to sit us down more than once to remind us to behave."

"That sucks," Amelia agreed. "Derek is an asshole."

"He's a hurt asshole," Addison corrected with a sigh.

"Doesn't give him the right to treat you badly though," Amelia countered. "But what's new? He treated you badly even when you were married."

"Amelia," Addison warned, her voice strained.

"What? It's true, and don't you dare deny it," Amelia replied with a roll of her eyes. "I saw everything."

"You didn't see everything," Addison answered petulantly.

"Then I saw enough," she replied with finality. "Derek isn't a saint."

"I wasn't either."

"Yeah, you weren't. But he acts like he is, and at least you're big enough of a person to admit that you aren't."

Addison sighed, thinking for the first time that evening that she needed something stronger than the pinot she was currently nursing.

"But anyway," Amelia continued, licking her lips after taking a sip of her drink. "You said he hated your guts at the start. What about now?"

"Now he's... nice," Addison replied uncertainly, settling on term because there wasn't a lot of ways to describe the way Derek was with her now.

"Nice?" Amelia repeated, unsatisfied and unimpressed. "Addison Montgomery, you have the vocabulary of a spelling bee champion. You have more adjectives than nice."

Addison groaned. "He is being nice," she defended. "Maybe a little too nice, okay? He's friendly and he's great and he's acting like Derek before shit hit the fan, and it's been really confusing."

"Like, you flipped a switch and all of a sudden he went from calling you Satan to being your friend?" Amelia answered disbelievingly.

"We talked."

Amelia paused, staring at Addison's solemn expression. Slowly, she nodded. "You talked about that night," she said, not so much as a question, but as a fact.

Addison stared at the beach ahead of her, nodding deliberately in response. "Among other things."

"You talked about everything?"

"Mark, the abortion, the flipping roast chicken I made for our 10th anniversary—everything," Addison confirmed, not sure how she felt in the moment.

"Seeing Steven?" Amelia asked tentatively, knowing full well Steven was a sensitive topic, more sensitive than Derek, perhaps even more now after the divorce.

Addison huffed angrily at the mention. "Yes, seeing Steven," she almost spit out his name. "I told him. I told him I ran into him at the hospital that day he caught we with Mark. The whole shebang. Nothing left to the imagination," she distressed. "I told him the whole freaking fairytale, and all of a sudden he feels the need to be the good guy. Compulsively. Like—ties my scrub cap on, watches me operate, holds my hand when we cross the street kind of good guy. It's confusing and annoying and I don't know what to do."

"Sounds like he still loves you," Amelia said nonchalantly, not missing a beat as she watched Addison carefully.

"No," she disagreed vehemently. "It sounds like he's feeling guilty and is trying to make up for it." Addison sighed then, shifting in her seat. "And I know he's only being nice because he's feeling culpable, like he needs to make up for something. I'm not even sure he actually wants to be my friend. All of this is just might be the guilt talking," she admitted. Which was unfair because in all fairness to Derek, he had been nice even before she told him the entire story. That dinner at the remarkable Spanish restaurant, all the planning that went into it, came before she told him her entire truth.

"Or he realized what a jackass he was and finally admitted to himself he still loves you," Amelia retorted, repeating her point from earlier. Not that she condoned Derek still being in love with Addison, because he had been a supreme dick when things went south. But Amelia was wise enough to know her brother's moves, and knew love when she saw it.

"He doesn't love me, Amelia. Not in that way. No one in their right mind would love me after finding out I not only cheated on my husband of 11 years, but also aborted an illegitimate child I conceived while still married to him. It's like my life is one big karmic joke. No wonder I can't keep a relationship."

Amelia cast Addison a sad, contrite smile. Addison was holding on to so much guilt that she didn't feel like she deserved to be happy. But out of everyone in Amelia's life, Addison was the one who deserved happiness the most.

"You're too hard on yourself, you know," Amelia whispered quietly.

Addison scoffed at that. "I don't know. But being with Derek so much the past few months has really highlighted how much I've screwed up."

"Or maybe it's also highlighting how much you still love him."

Addison stopped, eyes trained on the beach, letting Amelia's words sink in.

When Addison didn't answer, Amelia looked at her meaningfully. "You still love him."

"You know I always will," Addison answered quietly, not bothering to deny it. What was the point anyway? She had even told Derek as much the night that they spoke. "You try to stop loving someone you were married to for 11 years." Not to mention how hard it was to keep him out of her life when she was still very good friends with his sisters.

Amelia shrugged. "Yeah, but you're in love with him. You're in love with your stupid ex-husband."

Addison shook her head, reaching for her glass of wine and holding it close, still not meeting Amelia's eyes. Was she ready to really confront the fact that she was in love with her ex-husband? She knew there was a very distinct possibility that she did still love him that way, and that a small part of her still hoped things would work out between them. But she skillfully compartmentalized all of that in favor of allowing Derek back in as a friend, knowing full well it was probably the only capacity she could have him.

"Addison," Amelia started. "I know you said everything is confusing, and he's acting all nice and stuff. But here's how I see it. You're only confused because you still love him. Because if you didn't, it wouldn't matter if he was nice, and it wouldn't matter why he was being nice at all."

"Amelia, even if I admitted that I'm still in love with Derek, which I definitely should not be, I still get the short end of the stick here. He's moved on. He's married. And he'll never look at me the same way after knowing everything."

Amelia stared at Addison, again consumed by sadness for what the older woman, her sister, had to go through. Things with Derek were messy, and Addison didn't deserve to feel eternally guilty over something she had already done penance for. But she'd be lying if she didn't recognize just how much Addison still loved her brother, even if he sure as hell didn't deserve it.

Derek had moved on, and Addison was picking up the pieces. It wasn't fair that Derek still had so much power over her, so much so that the pieces Addison managed to pick up since the divorce were now steadily falling back to the ground. She hoped Addison would have moved on and found a good man four years since separating from her brother. But deep inside, it was clear Addison's heart was yearning for Derek, no matter how much she tried to fight it.

Derek being nice and doing all the Derek things he used to do were sweeping Addison off her feet, that much Amelia was sure of. She could tell by the way Addison's expression stayed troubled throughout their conversation. Addison was fighting it, even if she didn't want to fight it. But she was, because she had to guard herself, protect her heart. And Derek trying to be her friend was just messing with Addison's head. In the end, when things finally played out, it would be Addison taking the brunt of the blow and Derek would move on swiftly with Meredith. It wasn't fair.

Amelia sighed, reaching over to take Addison's hand and squeeze it. Addison gave a her a grateful half-smile.

"Addie, be careful," she warned.

"I'll be fine, Amy."

"Yeah, I'm not so sure about that," Amelia remarked dryly. But she tried to give her an encouraging smile. "I think it's brave, what you're trying to do. Stupid... but brave. I just don't want you to get hurt."

"I'll be fine," she repeated. "There's only so many weeks left to the trial. After that, I won't have to see him as often and I could go about my business like I used to. It'll be fine."

Amelia gave Addison a look which means she knew her too well to be convinced.

Addison sighed. "I appreciate you looking for me, but I'm a big girl. Derek is... Derek is an important part of my life," she settled, "and I think we could both benefit from being friends. There's just so much history between us, what a waste it would be to throw all of that away."

"Be careful," Amelia repeated calmly. "People seem to think Derek is all that, but you and I both know that he isn't. He's flawed. He's flawed, and he hurt you, and will hurt you again if you aren't careful. You deserve so much more than that Addie."

"I appreciate that," Addison answered sincerely. "And I promise I'm being careful. He hasn't tried anything. He's just being a good friend. There's nothing that could be misconstrued as more than friendship, at least relative to our relationship. And I don't think he'll try anything anyway. Because he's married."

"You shouldn't try anything either," Amelia stated matter-of-factly.

"What makes you think I will?" Addison asked, slightly taken aback. "You know I won't."

Amelia shrugged before leaning back into her seat. "Yeah but it wouldn't hurt to remind you. You do stupid things when you're in love." She paused. "Besides, people at the practice are taking bets about whether or not you and Derek have done the dirty yet."

Addison's mouth fell open. "No way."

"Yes way."

She rolled her eyes incredulously. "This has Violet written all over it," she stated flatly.

"Actually, it was Cooper's," Amelia corrected. "Don't worry, I bet a hundred you wouldn't sleep with him. I think you're too classy for that."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence," Addison answered dryly before taking a sip of her wine. If she was indeed in love with Derek, which she most probably was, she was screwed. But she wouldn't screw him. She liked to think she was beyond that.

"You're welcome," Amelia grinned, seemingly proud of herself.

Addison laughed then. "You guys have way too much time on your hands."

"Not really. We're just really invested in your sex life."

"Amelia!" Addison exclaimed, scandalized.

"Okay fine," she conceded, "not your sex life, per se. But your relationship with Derek. Naomi seems to think he's going to sweep you off your feet. I mean, she doesn't want him to, but it's obvious that's what he's doing. And you're not even aware of it. Heck, he probably isn't aware of it either, that stupid thing."

"He is not sweeping me off my feet," Addison answered defensively, but it sounded false even to her.

"Did he tell you he was happy you still talk to his sisters?"

"Yes?" Addison answered slowly.

"Did he tell you he missed doing stuff with you like, I don't know, getting hot chocolate at the cafeteria? You guys used to do that."

"He has," Addison replied on a sigh, feeling her head throb.

"Did he answer the New York Times crossword with you, except sitting way too close to each other?"

"Yes," Addison answered exasperatedly. "What's your point?"

"He's doing the Derek," Amelia concluded, sure of herself. "He's sweeping you off your feet."

"Amelia, I don't know what to do. How do I stop it?" Addison groaned, the worry etched on her face. Amelia was right. And at this point, there was no use denying how she truly felt about Derek.

Amelia shrugged in response. "I'd say get out before you get in too deep, but it looks like you're neck deep in Derek Shepherd," she said bluntly. Upon seeing Addison's expression, she softened. "Just... be careful ok? Be on guard. I'd hate for you to get hurt over him again. It's not worth it."

"The trial—"

"Is about to end," Amelia cut in. "Just like you said. You just have to hold out and not do anything stupid until then." She paused. "It's okay, you know? To admit that you still love him. It's okay and it's totally understandable. But loving him and acting on it are two different things. You don't have to do anything just because you love him and he's acting like he loves you too."

"I still love him," she admitted carefully, testing out the words on her lips and finding that they sounded true and honest and so painfully raw.

"Addison, I know you still love him. But like I said, it's okay. You guys were together for a really long time and you don't get over that with a snap of a finger. And considering how there were so many loose ends when things ended with you guys, I think it's totally understandable to want to smooth things out with him. But you don't have to end up being the hurt party here again, Addie."

"When did little Amelia get so mature?" Addison marveled with a half-smile.

Amelia shrugged, ignoring her question. "WWBD. What would Bizzy do?"

Addison groaned again. "Amelia."

"No, really. What would Bizzy do?"

"You want me to channel Bizzy?"

"I want you to take your heart of steel out when Derek Shepherd is involved. Only Bizzy Montgomery has a heart of steel, and lucky for you, she's your mother so you probably inherited some of it."

Addison sighed, frowning. She was definitely in a messy, messy situation Bizzy would not be pleased with.

"What would Bizzy do?" Amelia repeated, sipping at her virgin mojito.

Addison scowled. "She would school her face, say something about being raised a Forbes Montgomery, and then brush everything off like it were nothing."

Amelia frowned. "Well... that's something I guess. Take a page out of Bizzy's book."

"You don't have to be so affected, dear." Addison mocked. "Tears are for the bedroom."

"I mean, tears may not just be for the bedroom but tears are definitely not for Derek," Amelia announced comfortingly. "You just have to remember that. Derek doesn't get to ruin the life you've made in LA. He has Meredith. You have the practice. You have a lot of great things going for you here, Addie. Derek shouldn't be able to ruin that."

"You're right," she sighed. She loved him, but she didn't have to act on it. She could love him and still be friends with him, respect his relationship with Meredith, and just... be the cool ex-wife she always knew she was destined to be, so to speak.

"I am right" Amelia agreed. "Now go, finish your wine. We're heading out. I'm craving for some In-n-Out and there's one just off the freeway."

...

Andrew sat in the conference room with Derek, each nursing a cup of coffee and waiting for the rest of the staff to pile in. Addison was running late that morning and told Derek to go on without her.

"Addison's birthday is coming up," Andrew said conversationally.

Derek looked up from his coffee, a grin on his face. "You remembered?" He knew Addison's birthday was coming up. It was all he could think about during their two weeks apart. While he doubted that was something Meredith would be happy to hear about, he couldn't help it.

Andrew fixed him a look that was clearly meant to say there were things in life you shouldn't forget... like your wife's birthday. Derek only shrugged.

"Is she doing anything special?" Andrew continued.

"I'm not sure if she has plans, but I wanted to take her out," Derek confessed.

Andrew's eyes narrowed. "Aren't you guys divorced?"

Derek did a half-shrug. "So?"

Andrew frowned. "Maybe we can have dinner, you and Addie, me and Cecile, like old times," he offered, wondering about the propriety of Derek taking Addison out to dinner. Like a date.

He's seen the former Shepherds the past few weeks and was grateful that they were working so beautifully together. But they were getting very close, too close for anyone to think there was nothing going on between them, and he was a little worried. First because Richard had told him Derek was practically married to Ellis Grey's daughter so this was Derek playing with fire. Second because he knew that in the fall out, Addison was going to be in the losing end, and he definitely did not want his favorite doctor to get hurt. He cared for Addison like a daughter, and in his conversations with Richard, it seemed Richard cared for her in the same capacity. They both wanted what was best for Addison, which in the beginning was a mended relationship with Derek. But over time, and in the context of Derek's very serious relationship with Meredith, they both agreed Addison had some things to think about, and that she had to be careful.

But Derek was oblivious. "That sounds like a lovely idea," he said diplomatically. "But maybe not on her birthday. I want us to do something special together."

"I thought you were married," Andrew stated bluntly.

"I can't do something special with a friend?" Derek countered. "Besides. There's a lot of ground to make up for."

Slowly, Andrew nodded. "Where are you planning on taking her?"

"If you give us both the whole day off, I was thinking a visit to the National Museum of American History and then a picnic at the mall."

"The museum sounds like a good idea," he answered agreeably, conceding.

"I think she'll enjoy it. Addison is secretly a history buff," Derek continued. "Then I'll pack a picnic with some really good wine. It should be fun."

Andrew hummed thoughtfully. "Just remember to tell her to wear sensible shoes."

Derek chuckled at that. "I'll tell her to bundle up accordingly," he replied. "So will you give us both the day off on Thursday?" he asked hopefully.

Andrew sighed. "Fine. You can have the day off on Thursday. But that means you both have back to back ORs on Friday."

"You sound like Richard."

"I'm doing this as a favor to you," he explained. "Technically, you shouldn't get weekdays off. But since I'm your friend, and I've known the two of you for a long time, I'm willing to let this slide."

Derek grinned in appreciation.

"But you have to promise me something, Derek," Andrew cautioned. Derek gave him a questioning look. "You be careful with Addison ok?"

Not really understanding, Derek's brow furrowed. But he nodded anyway. "We'll be safe. I don't think there are bears where we're going."

"Somehow I think the bears are safer," Andrew muttered under his breath, but cast Derek a wary smile just as Addison walked into the conference hall.

"Good morning, gentlemen," she announced as she came in, draping her coat and her purse on the seat next to Derek's. Derek almost automatically angled himself so Addison could plant a kiss on his cheek before she went around and patted Andrew on the back and fix herself a cup of coffee.

"Good morning. Did you sleep well?" Andrew asked as Addison poured herself a cup.

She nodded. "The suite you get me is always divine."

Andrew rolled her eyes. "That was supposed to be a secret."

Derek scowled playfully. "I get a deluxe and of course Addison gets a suite."

"Relax, Derek," Andrew replied. "Part of it is from Addison's credit card points. We just make sure to arrange it for her."

Addison turned and gave Derek a wink as she went around again to take her seat. She looked over to notice Derek's coffee cup which was still nearly full.

"Not feeling like having coffee today?" she asked before taking a sip of her own.

Derek shrugged. "I'm not trying to be helpless, but it really doesn't taste the same unless you make it." Andrew narrowed his eyes at the playful pout Derek had on his face.

Addison rolled her eyes before reaching over the take a sip of Derek's coffee. "It just needs more milk," she assessed as she put it back on the saucer. "Go be a big boy and perfect it on your own."

Derek frowned at her but stood up to get more milk. Andrew watched the exchange with a bit of trepidation. They were getting along so well. And while any other time he would rejoice 100%, right now he wasn't sure this was the best thing. They were so comfortable with each other, exhibiting tell-tale signs of being married for such a long time, even throwing in a flirtation or two. If Derek wasn't basically married to Ellis Grey's daughter, Ellis also being his friend, he would have just let this happen on its own. But he knew Meredith, vaguely, and Richard warned him.

"So Addie," Derek said from the coffee counter. "Andrew is giving us Thursday off."

Addison looked up and gave Andrew a curious look. "Why?"

Before Andrew could answer, Derek cut in, walking back to his seat. "It's your birthday, Ms. Montgomery. Or have you forgotten?"

The corner of Addison's lip turned down. "I didn't forget but..."

"Consider it my present to you Addie," Andrew said with a kind smile, although by then he wasn't feeling very certain Derek's idea was any good. "You've been working hard on this trial, and I think one day off won't disrupt things too badly. You deserve it."

Addison's eyes narrowed as she turned to look at Derek. "How come you get a day off too?" she asked suspiciously.

"Who would I do surgeries with if you aren't here?" he countered innocently.

"Derek," Addison warned, feeling the slightest hint of discomfort creeping.

"Relax. It'll be fun. Just leave it up to me."

"To you? Why would you be planning my birthday?"

"Friends plan each other's birthdays," Derek stated. "You planned Savvy's birthday didn't you?"

"Yes but—"

"No buts," Derek replied with a smile. "Just trust me on this. You'll love it."

Hesitantly, Addison agreed, turning her head to see Andrew give her a wary smile. Before she could question any further, the rest of the physicians came in through the door and the morning huddle had commenced.

On Thursday morning, Addison found herself going around the museum with Derek. She marveled at the shoes Judy Garland wore as Dorothy for the Wizard of Oz, Julia Child's kitchen constructed just as she had used it in life, and the ceremonial dresses the first ladies of the United States had worn. Undeniably, it was a very pleasant morning. There weren't a lot of people at the museum, Derek had walked around with her at a languid pace, his mood light and kind and irresistibly Derek, and Addison had to admit it was a perfect way to spend her birthday.

After the museum, Derek had suggested that they picnic on the grass at the national mall. Addison looked at him skeptically.

"It's freezing, Derek."

"I have blankets," he countered, not taking no for an answer.

So by lunchtime Addison found herself situated on a picnic blanket on the grass, bundled up in a flannel blanket Derek had apparently packed in his back pack. She watched him pull out some grapes, a container with camembert and another small container with bite-sized pieces of parmesan cheese. He then pulled out a baguette, some crackers, a ziplock of almonds and a small container of apricot jam.

She looked at him, impressed. "This is quite a spread, Derek. How'd you fit all that in your backpack?"

"I'm an eagle scout," he reminded as he pulled out napkins, a bottle of water, and a bottle of red wine from his back pack.

"Wine, Derek?" she asked. "Is it legal to have anything alcoholic here?"

"Relax," he replied, finally settling on the blanket and giving Addison a big smile. "If anyone comes we'll say it's grape juice."

She looked at him skeptically but chose not to argue as he gestured for Addison to start.

Addison obliged, take a cracker and spreading on some soft cheese and jam on it as Derek poured them each a glass of wine (plastic, thank you).

"This is really sweet of you, Derek. Thank you."

"Don't mention it," Derek smiled, glad Addison appreciated what he had prepared.

They ate in silence, occasionally casting each other a shy, satisfied smile. It used to be like this often. Silences were comfortable, without need to be filled with endless chatter and rambling. The company was enough, the presence of the other a balm in and of itself. Addison's thoughts flashed back to her conversation with Amelia, feeling her heart clench a little at the idea of still being in love with her ex-husband but him only being nice because he had missed out on a lot.

"Did I choose a great camembert or what?" Derek said all of a sudden, licking is fingers of some residual cheese. Derek loved soft cheeses just as much as Addison did, and he was particularly proud of finding a cheese shop relatively close to the hotel.

"It's good," Addison agreed, half her mind still on Amelia. But she offered him a small smile anyway.

"You like it?" he asked, sensing that Addison's thoughts were somewhere else.

She nodded in agreement. "I love it."

"Good," Derek replied, taking a small sip of his wine. "Remember when we went to Paris and we had that picnic by the river, and all we had was baguette and camembert and really expensive butter?"

Addison smiled at the memory. That trip to Paris was on their first wedding anniversary. They both got a week off, and enjoyed going around the city thoroughly. It was the city of love after all, and at that time, they couldn't resist kissing at every corner, holding hands, embracing at stop lights. It was clear as day how in love they were with each other. How things have truly changed.

"That was a good trip," Addison replied agreeably.

Derek grinned. "We should go back there," he said without second thought.

Addison stopped and stared at Derek, waiting for him to realize his mistake. When Addison didn't answer, Derek looked up and noted Addison's almost pained expression. He had the decency to look embarrassed.

"I'm sorry," he said. "It's just... old habits die hard, you know?"

Addison shook her head. "It's not old habits Derek. This, whatever this is we're doing... I think we need to make clear exactly where we stand."

"We're friends," he stated simply. He wasn't about to admit he was thinking of Addison in less than friendly terms recently.

"Friends with a whole lot of history," she corrected. "I appreciate that we're doing all of this, really I do, but I don't think it's fair to either of us, and to Meredith, to keep doing this."

"What are we doing exactly?" he questioned. "Friends have lunch. Friends celebrate birthdays. Friends do exactly what we're doing." He was being intentionally oblivious, partly because he still hadn't sorted out his feelings, and partly because he couldn't sort out his feelings. Not yet. But he didn't realize his actions could do more harm than good, the the whole facade of friendship was dangerous.

Addison sighed, feeling the start of a headache coming. "Yes, I suppose friends do this. But Derek... you and I... it's not that simple."

He paused, staring at his hands cradling his glass of wine for a moment. "No, I guess it's not that simple," he conceded slowly.

"Can you really sit there and tell me this is all completely platonic?" she questioned. "Derek, I can only speak for myself, but to be honest, there is so much underneath all of this that we'd be fools to pretend this is a simple birthday lunch between friends. Heck—we'd be fools to pretend that the past few weeks have been nothing but gaining a friend back."

"Addie..."

She shook her head. "Derek... I think we're playing with fire. I certainly don't want to hurt you. And you hopefully don't want to hurt me either. And of course you don't want to hurt Meredith."

"I don't know what you want me to say."

Addison sighed again. "We can do this. All of this. Lunches and dinners and museums and walks around the park. We can do all of that, friends do that. But we can't make offhand comments about the times we were married." She paused, looking at him straight in the eye. "I can't. It hurts too much."

Slowly he nodded, moving his eyes from Addison's and fixing himself a cracker with some jam.

"Derek," Addison said tiredly.

"I hear you," he answered. "I'm just trying to figure out how to put a filter on that. Because you and I were married for a long time, and like and it or not, memories from the times we were together will definitely come up. It's impossible for them not to. I think we can be adult enough to let those memories surface as they come, and still be completely ok."

Addison gave Derek a sad smile. He didn't understand. There was no way he could comprehend how reminiscing was hurting her, because had already moved on. To him, those memories were just memories, snippets of a past he had since gotten over. But after finally admitting to herself that she still loved him, the memories couldn't be purely platonic. They all inched at her heart, squeezed it a little, even unknowingly. And Derek didn't even understand.

They continued eating in silence, each lost in thought. They didn't bring it up again, for fear of ruining a good day. Addison deserved a truly happy birthday, and Derek was determined not to mar it with anything that would upset her.

As a final touch, he pulled out a small brownie from his backpack, stuck a small candle and lit it with a lighter he had in his bag. Addison smiled at him appreciatively.

"I thought a cake might be too big," he said casually, moving a little closer to Addison so her face was nearly next to the pastry.

"This is perfect," she replied sincerely.

"Make a wish, Addie," he whispered, watching as she closed her eyes for a second, nodded her head and then gently blew the candle out. "Happy birthday," he continued, giving her a big smile and then moving to kiss her cheek meaningfully.

I love you, Addison wanted to say. Instead she settled for a small grateful smile. "Thank you, Derek."

...

The entire season of fall had consumed them, ran its course, and now the temperatures were dropping further and the trees were bare. Winter was definitely just around the corner. Winter. Christmas. Derek and Addison's season. Addison didn't know how to feel about it exactly.

But on their last night before flying back to their respective cities, Derek had invited Addison to take a short walk around a nearby park after they had dinner at the hotel. Addison agreed. And that was how she found herself walking languidly next to Derek at a small park, probably the one Derek could see from his window. It was cold, and she was bundled up accordingly. Derek had stuffed his hands deep in his pockets.

"Are you done with all your Christmas shopping?" Derek asked.

"Almost," she replied. "I've been going through the catalogue nearly every night before bed. So there's only a few people I have to choose presents for."

Derek nodded. "I'm guessing more than half those gifts are for my family."

Addison shrugged, offering him a half smile. "My family isn't as big as yours." After a pause, "You don't mind?"

"I don't," he replied reassuringly, leading Addison to a small bench.

"Good, because they're already paid for," she said as she took a seat next to Derek. "What are your plans for the holidays?"

Derek shrugged in response. "Stay in Seattle. Meredith might be on call, and I don't really feel like doing the whole festive thing with mom this year." Or any year in recent memory, for that matter. "I mean, there's the trial, but we get the week of Christmas off. And I think I might just spend it back in Seattle."

"It's a good thing the foundation is paying for your airfare then," Addison remarked. "Flights are so expensive this time of year."

"Says the girl who always flies either first class or private," Derek joked.

Addison frowned. "I like to indulge once in a while."

"Oh please, when was the last time you flew coach?" he asked.

Addison pursed her lips in thought. "That one time we were vacationing in Florida and Kathleen went into early labor and we couldn't get last minute tickets unless they were coach."

Derek chuckled. "That was 8 years ago."

"So, it was 8 years ago," she answered. "The experience though? Seems like yesterday."

Derek laughed at that. "Of course. Far be it for you to forget what it feels like to fly in coach with peasants like us."

Addison stuck her tongue out playfully. Derek only laughed harder.

There was a moment of silence between them, each lost in thought as the many, many memories of the life they had before started resurfacing.

Derek turned his head to Addison then, feeling so much emotion swell in his chest at the sight of her. She was wrapped in a black coat, her hands warm in her gloves, looking everything like the Addison he married all those years ago.

"I missed our last Christmas together," Derek said quietly, out of the blue.

By then, Addison was used to Derek's random reminiscing. Not that it was easy for her. But she wasn't surprised when he suddenly blurted out short, regretful phrases now. She supposed it was part of the healing process. For both of them.

Addison nodded slowly in response. "Yeah, I guess you did."

"It couldn't have been easy."

She shrugged in response. "I was used to it by then," she told him honestly. "At that point I was fairly certain I was going to Christmas dinner solo." It didn't stop her from hoping all night, of course, that he would come through. But she ended up being sorely disappointed when he didn't show.

Derek grimaced almost imperceptibly, feeling like the world's biggest jackass for making his wife feel this way—so used to him not being around that she expected to be alone for the more important parts of their life.

"Oh, but I wasn't alone," Addison continued, remembering a thought. "Mark came."

Derek sighed at that. "Addie, I'm so sorry."

"It's not your fault," she said flatly. "Mark is always invited."

He bit his lip. "I mean... I'm sorry Mark was more present in your life than I was by that point."

Addison turned her head to look at Derek, taking him in as he apologized, not for the first time, the way he had made her second best to his job through the latter part of their marriage. She was sorry, too. Sorry that Mark had taken Derek's place at every dinner table she had sat at for more than a year. Sorry that Mark was the one who had to deal with the tears, the rambling, the pain. Sorry that Mark ultimately became the wedge that sent the distance between them into a freaking abyss.

"I knew the moment I entered the brownstone that something was off," he said quietly, unable to look at Addison in the eyes.

Addison nodded slowly, surprised that Derek was bringing up That Night so randomly. She had gone over his point of view over and over again, sometimes thinking she knew exactly what Derek felt that night, sometimes knowing she could never know for certain until it was done to her. The image of Derek fixing Meredith's coat that first night in Seattle was enough to drive a knife to her heart—what more for Derek who had to see even worse? But she stayed quiet, knowing Derek needed to get this off his chest.

"I saw Mark's jacket on the bannister and somehow I just knew. Even without opening the door, I knew what I was going to see," he continued, the pain in his voice raw and unmistakable. "And then I saw it and things went down the way they did and I just... I felt ripped open."

"Derek..."

"I felt like someone had sliced me inside out. That was the first thing I felt. Searing pain. Pain I couldn't even put into words now."

Addison swallowed at the sudden tightness in her throat.

Derek shook his head, the images of that night unwelcome in his mind. "And then things started sinking in and all I could feel was anger. I was so mad. Mad at you for betraying me. Mad at Mark for taking advantage of you. Mad at myself for letting it happen. When I thought of you, I could only see his hands on you, how you moaned his name, how you let him do all of that on our bed," he said bitterly. "It's a... lost feeling I would never wish on anyone."

"Derek, I'm sorry," she started, but Derek held his hand up to stop her from speaking. Dejectedly, she held her tongue back and allowed Derek to continue.

"And for the longest time I held on to that anger. To that pain. I mean, yeah, I moved on and built a life completely separate from you and Mark. But I knew even then we had unfinished business. When you came to Seattle for that TTTS case, you acted all high and mighty and unapologetic, and I hated you. I hated how you introduced yourself to Meredith, hated how you had Richard and all of my sisters on your side. Hated how you had the audacity to walk into my new life and demand to be a part of it," he continued. "In my head, there was no going back from what you had done. I couldn't forgive you. So when you brought the divorce papers, I signed."

Addison nodded. "You did sign," she said, not knowing what else to say. "You made it look so easy to sign away 11 years."

Derek sighed. "I don't know what I was thinking. It wasn't easy, but by then I felt it was the only option for us. I could have dragged it out, you know? Punished you and made you move to Seattle and treated you horribly. But I looked at you and I still felt nauseous, and I didn't want to feel that way anymore. It was easier to hate you than have to try to forgive you." He paused, eyes cast on the grass ahead of them. "I loved you so much, Addie. You were my world. And when I caught you with Mark, it's like everything I knew about life and love just came crashing down."

"I hurt you a lot."

"I hurt you so much, too," he said quietly. "And I hope you believe me when I say that I am so sorry."

"I believe you," she assured. "I hope you believe me too."

"I do," Derek said, turning his head to face Addie, his expression unreadable but his eyes intense. "And I forgive you."

Tears welled in Addison's eyes at hearing Derek's admission. He forgave her. The past 4 years, all the absolution she needed was Derek's forgiveness, and here he was now giving it to her. She felt like her chest was going to explode.

"Derek..." she started, words lost.

"I forgive you, Addison. For everything. And I hope you can forgive me too."

"I already told you that I've forgiven you," she said. "I never held anything against you."

Derek sighed, realizing he truly did not deserve Addison. Slowly, he took her hands, eyes not leaving hers. And then he leaned in carefully, closing his eyes, and letting his lips touch Addison's in a kiss so sweet, so raw, like a puzzle piece sliding into place.

The kiss was tentative at first. Addison stiffened beneath him for a moment before he felt slowly relax and lean into the kiss, returning the kiss with an intensity that could only be attributed to the years they had spent secretly loving each other.

Addison pulled back first, breathless, her lips red and swollen, and her expression immediately one of surprise as she realized what they had just done. How he had kissed her, how she had kissed him back. And how the kiss felt so right even if it shouldn't have.

"Derek," she said, tears forming in her eyes, panic already starting to creep into her voice.

"I love you," he declared simply and ferociously, ignoring her horror and taking her hands in his, holding on to them tightly. "Addison, I love you. I never stopped."

"Derek don't say that," she pleaded, still reeling from the kiss.

But he wasn't listening. "I love you," he said with more certainty than he had ever felt in his life. "And after everything, Addie, I want to be with you. I want you."

"You don't mean that," she whispered, horror now completely identifiable in her voice.

"But I do mean it," he asserted, feeling the surest he had been in the longest time. "Addison, we hurt each other so much. But here we are now, mending. Who would have thought we would ever get here?" he asked, feeling bolder and surer with each word, quietly begging Addison to look into his eyes, to see that he was serious, that he was sure. "We can put the pieces back together. We can make it work. I want to make it work, with you. You and I... I don't think our story is done."

"Don't say that Derek, please," she begged, tears now escaping rebelliously from her eyes. "You have Meredith now."

"Meredith doesn't matter," he said firmly.

"Of course she does!" Addison exclaimed. "All of this? The kiss? Everything you're saying? This is all a mistake," she reasoned pitifully. "Please. Meredith matters. Don't ruin something good just because you were caught in the moment—"

"I'm not being caught in the moment," he insisted, cutting her off sharply. "Addison, I mean it," he said, looking straight into her eyes and casting her a meaningful look.

She shook her head. "You don't, Derek," she replied. "And even if you did, it's too late," she said as she wiped the tears stubbornly.

"It's not too late," maintained firmly, taking her hands in his, but she pulled away and slid farther from him on the bench.

"It's too late," she repeated, her throat tight and her chest heavy with the knowledge that even though she loved him, there was too much baggage between them to move forward.

"Addie," he begged, raising his hand to cup her cheek and will her to look at him. "Addie please," he repeated, voice soft and gentle but with the undeniable hint of pleading.

"Derek, stop."

"Tell me right now you don't love me," he challenged. "Look me in the eye and tell me with certainty that you don't feel anything. That the last few months mean nothing to you."

"Of course the last few months don't mean nothing to me," she whispered harshly. "But it doesn't have to mean more than it should."

"Tell me you don't love me," he repeated, insistent. "If you can say that, if you can say it and mean it, we'll forget about this—"

"We will forget about this no matter what happens," she said with finality. "Please, Derek. Forget about it. You and I were already doing so good as friends before this happened and—"

"You really think all of that happened as friends? You buy the bull that the last few months were really only about the friendship? Because let's face it Addie—we can't be just friends. Everything we did together, everything that happened—those don't happen to people who are just friends."

She looked away, her exhales hard, betraying how labored her heart felt. Of course the last few months were more than being friends. She even admitted to herself she loved him! But they couldn't be anything more than friends. They had hurt each other too much, and this time they were stringing along people who didn't deserve to be caught up in this mess.

"Addison, I love you," he said. "And I know you love me too."

"Derek, stop," she begged, wishing she could stop listening and walk away.

But he ignored her and pressed on. "All of this happened for a reason," he said. "You and I working on a clinical trial together? In what lifetime would a neurosurgeon and an OB GYN work on a clinical trial together? In what lifetime would they conveniently be ex-spouses? Addison, none of this is chance. None of it. We were meant to work together. And we were meant to work it out."

"And what about Meredith?" she countered. "Your wife? Where does she fall in all of this? Because Derek, we cannot keep hurting other people. First it was Mark. Now, Meredith. Meredith is innocent in all of this. She trusts you. You cannot hurt her like this."

Derek shook his head. He couldn't fathom thinking about Meredith right now. He knew Addison had a point. But in that moment, Meredith didn't matter at all. All that mattered was Addison.

"Tell me you don't love me," he said again, still unfazed. "Tell me, and I'll stop."

"Derek," she begged, looking into his eyes. "Please."

"Tell me," he said forcefully, feeling the frustration creep in.

She shook her head, averting her gaze and taking in deep breaths. After a long moment, she exhaled heavily. "I don't love you," she mumbled, eyes watering as they stared at the grass.

Derek shook his head. "Look me in the eyes when you tell me," he said, feeling a short stab of pain through his chest at her words but also knowing she wasn't being truthful.

"I'm sorry," she sniffed, regaining her composure and wiping away at her tears angrily. She squared her shoulders then and looked at him straight in the eyes. "It doesn't matter if I love you or not Derek. That's entirely beside the point. What matters is that we tried. We tried and it didn't work. We had 11 great years, and I will cherish them forever. We've rebuilt our friendship, and I am grateful like you wouldn't believe. But I can't do this Derek. I can't do this with you again. We will only end up hurting each other," she said with finality, casting him a meaningful but stern look.

Derek frowned but remained silent, his expression still begging.

She sighed, gently taking Derek's hands as she felt her heart break. "You will always mean so much to me Derek," she continued softly. "But I think it's time for me to walk away before we each say something we'll regret."

Quietly, she reached out to cup Derek's cheek and gave him a soft, lingering kiss on the other, inhaling his scent and breathing in his presence.

"I love you Addison," he said quietly, resting his hand on her hip.

She pulled back and gave him a soft, sad smile before standing up and walking back to the hotel, leaving her heart and soul behind with Derek.

---

A/N: Thanks again for reading! Only one chapter left and this story is complete!