Around the Sun

by BlossomOfSnow

Derek & Addison divorce when she first hands him the papers. Derek hasn't forgiven her & she's trying her best to pick up the pieces. They don't see each other again until they're both commissioned to work on a clinical trial in Washington DC, which has them spending more time together than they'd want. An ADDEK story set in the four seasons. TRIGGER WARNINGS inside. COMPLETE!

4. Winter

A/N: Hello! Thank you for reading the past chapters! Thanks to everyone who took the time to review. I know Addek isn't exactly a big pair in 2020 anymore, but still my OTP, and I'm glad to find even just one or two people reading Addek fic at this time!

Here's the last chapter. Happy Holidays to everyone celebrating. :)

---

Back in Seattle, Derek was noticeably different. He was withdrawn, spoke little, and spent most of his time at the hospital operating. When he was home, he was either too tired to make conversation, or he was short tempered and irritable. Meredith wasn't quite sure what happened. But she was awfully sure she couldn't let his behavior go on any longer. Derek liked to sulk, to brew in his misery, to internalize things. And if she wanted to get to the bottom of things, she was going to have to fish them out.

She had a distinct feeling it had something to do with Addison. Why she knew that, she wasn't entirely certain. But a part of her knew it was about the red-headed beauty. If she had her doubts about letting him in on that trial with his ex-wife, she cast them aside because she was certain Derek still hated her guts. And knowing Derek the way she did, she knew he was an honorable man. But lately things were changing. The past few months, he was always so excited to head back to DC. Where once he dragged his feet, there was now a spring in his step. She surmised things with Addison were getting better and he was actually enjoying the trial. But now as he walked around the hospital with his back hunched and his face in a permanent scowl, Meredith knew there was more.

So she decided she would make him talk. She made sure she wasn't on call on a day she knew Derek's wasn't either. There was no way tonight was going to pass without getting to the bottom of everything. And she figured, she was ready for just about anything at this point.

Derek came home at 10pm, well beyond his shift which ended at 6. He looked like he had a drink or two at Joe's. When he stepped into Meredith's home, he gave a small smile with every intention of going straight to bed. But Meredith was nothing if not determined, so she stepped in and gave him a serious look.

"We're going to talk, Derek," she declared just as he was about to ascend the stairs.

Derek looked at her tiredly. "Can it wait, Mer? I really just want to get to bed."

She shook her head adamantly. "No, it can't wait. We need to talk, and we are going to talk now," she said firmly.

He studied her for a long moment before he decided she wasn't going to let down. So he sighed and followed her into the kitchen. He dragged himself on to a bar stool, resting his chin on his hands as he watched Meredith take a glass and a bottle of scotch, pouring him a drink.

"A drink?" he asked.

She nodded. "You look like you'll need it," she said dryly before taking the bar stool and sitting across him on the kitchen island.

There were silent for a moment as Derek took the glass and took a sip of his scotch, eyes not meeting Meredith's.

After Derek had taken a sip or two, Meredith cleared her throat. "So are you going to tell me what's going on with you, or are you going to keep walking around like a sullen little boy?"

Derek sighed. "Meredith."

"You've been quiet. And distant. And irritable. No one at the hospital wants to work with you anymore. We haven't spoken in god knows how long, and you look perpetually tired," she started. "There is something going on, and you will tell me."

"There's nothing going on," he insisted, not wanting to have such a heavy conversation. Ever. He was still reeling from Addison's rejection, still trying to make sense of things in his head. He didn't need Meredith to prod or nag.

"Please don't make me the fool here, Derek," she answered tiredly. "You and I both know there's something going on that you're not telling me."

He kept his eyes on his glass of scotch, feeling the seconds tick by as Meredith kept on staring at him expectantly. When he made no move to talk, she sighed.

"It's Addison, isn't it?" she finally asked.

Derek looked up, eyes meeting Meredith's for the first time since they sat down. He could see she was determined. He could also see that she knew. Shamefully, he bowed his head and stared at his glass again.

"The last time you were like this was when you signed the divorce papers," she said quietly. "You think I didn't notice, because you made such an effort to act like you didn't care that you had just divorced your wife of 11 years. But there were snippets of the same sadness then." She paused, suddenly feeling so exhausted. "Only Addison can make you feel this way."

There was a long pause before he nodded slowly in concession. "It's about Addison," he confirmed quietly, marveling at Meredith's perceptiveness and perhaps realizing for the first time how much more observant she was than he gave her credit for.

Meredith nodded, waiting for Derek to continue. She watched him take another sip of his scotch before exhaling heavily.

"I kissed her," he admitted in a voice so low Meredith had to strain to hear him.

There was a moment of deafening silence as Meredith tried to process what she had just heard. Derek kissed Addison. Derek kissed Addison. Her mind wouldn't stop spinning.

"You kissed her," she repeatedly dumbly. She wasn't sure what she was expecting when she figured out it was about Addison, but she wasn't expecting that.

"I kissed her," he confirmed, finally looking up and finding the courage to meet Meredith's hurt eyes. "There's just been… I mean… there were details I didn't know about the affair, and I guess I spent the last four years hating her when I didn't have to," he said regretfully.

Meredith shook her head, willing her tears not to fall, determined to listen and get through this conversation with as little emotion as possible. "I think… that you need to be a little more specific," she answered, unable to help the coldness in her tone.

Derek sighed, sipping at his scotch and realizing there was no way out of this conversation anymore. He had one foot in. He had revealed the most important detail. He was going to have to go all the way.

"There were details about that night that I didn't bother knowing," Derek said carefully. "I'll admit that it was because, at that time, I wasn't ready to hear it. But Addison and I… we talked. And I practically begged her to tell me everything."

Meredith nodded slowly. "I always thought there was more to the story," she commented quietly.

Derek nodded in return. He sighed. "When Addison was 18, she was sexually assaulted at a party," he began, ignoring Meredith's shocked gasp. "When we were in medical school, we ran into that guy at a restaurant and she had a total breakdown. That's how I found out about it." He paused, running his fingers through his messy hair and licking his lips. "That night when I found out, I promised her she'd never have to go through that again."

The pain in his voice was evident, and Meredith couldn't help but feel her stomach grow heavy at the way she almost knew how the story was going to unfold.

"The day she slept with Mark," he continued almost forcefully, "she ran into him at the hospital. They were in the elevator together, just the two of them. And it terrified her." He paused, closing his eyes at the thought of Addison alone in the elevator with Steven. "She was a mess. And she called and called but I never responded. I wasn't there for her even if I promised her I would be."

"Derek…"

"But Mark was there," he said, almost laughing humorlessly. "Mark was there," he repeated. "And the rest is history."

"Derek, I'm sorry."

He shook his head. "You don't have to be sorry about anything," he said. "You just got caught up in all of this. Even Mark was just collateral damage," he continued, echoing Addison's words. "I'm the one who's sorry, Meredith."

She raised her brows at that, surprise written on her face.

"I left out details. I made her the bad guy. I told you she slept with my best friend and that was the end of it. But the truth is that I wasn't the perfect husband," he continued sadly, shame consuming him as he confessed what had been eating him the past few days. "I was absent and indifferent. I forgot birthdays. I forgot anniversaries. I stood her up to countless dinners. I took her for granted. Our marriage was falling apart long before Mark happened, he was just the final blow. But the initial cracks? I dealt them."

"Derek, she still slept with your best friend. You can't beat yourself up—"

"That's what she said," he scoffed, feeling no freedom from that particular point of view. "She told me I didn't have to beat myself up for it because at the end of the day, she still cheated. But Meredith—she wouldn't have done that if I wasn't a bad husband."

"You weren't a bad husband," she insisted.

He shook his head. "I was," he confirmed guiltily. "I was a terrible husband. Addison never said that, would never say that, but looking back at how I treated her, how I vowed to love her but didn't put up my end of the bargain, even I think I was terrible."

Meredith looked down at her hands, fingers fiddling as she felt her chest grow heavy.

"Addison asked for very little. It didn't take a lot to make her happy," he admitted quietly, thinking back at how easy it always was to make her smile, to make her feel loved and cared for. A childhood like hers would do that. "Dinner together at home, sharing a coffee together in the morning, watching each other's surgeries. It wasn't hard to make her happy at all. And I failed miserably at that. What does that say about me?"

Meredith bit her lip, not answering. She didn't know. This was a side of Derek she'd never seen. Admittedly, there were still so many facets about him she was yet to get to know. There were parts of him that were hidden, in secret, in the shadows. Parts she knew he was hesitant to talk about or share. She got that feeling when he mentioned he wasn't ready to have his sisters intrude on his life in Seattle. Hearing about his relationship with Addison, although painful, was eye-opening. And she listened with almost morbid rapture to the way Derek spoke of her.

"Meredith," he continued gently. "The Derek you know… the Derek here in Seattle… this isn't the Derek I once was."

"That's not necessarily a bad thing," she countered softly.

"It's not," he agreed. "But I was different. When we were first married, she was the center of my universe. She hung the moon and the stars. She was ambitious but compassionate, and she loved me with a ferocity I had never before experienced. But then we got successful. We spent less and less time together. And while she made an effort to keep our marriage together, I made her take the backseat and put work ahead. There were so many times I would come home and know she'd been crying but not feel a single bone in my body ready to comfort her. She gave me everything, and towards the end I gave her next to nothing. Well, except heartache."

Meredith nodded slowly, finally getting bits and pieces of his marriage to Addison to comprehend the kind of relationship they had. Derek never talked about Addison, except to hate on her. He never brought her up, never alluded to anything related to their marriage, and never compared. Initially, she was grateful. She didn't need to be compared to an Isabella Rossellini look-alike—her insecurity as a lowly intern wouldn't allow it. But over time, she did become curious. Her relationship with Derek became comfortable, true, and consistent. But there were moments when she wondered about his past relationship, wondered about the person Derek was before Seattle.

"She didn't deserve that," she said finally.

"No she didn't," he whispered in agreement.

There was tense, heavy silence between them, neither knowing what to say. Neither knowing what Derek's actions meant for their relationship. Derek took another sip of scotch, and Meredith had her eyes fixed on the marble of the kitchen island. They were only two feet apart but they may as well have had a continent between them.

"So what does this mean?" Meredith asked finally, willing her voice to sound more courageous than she actually felt.

"I don't know," he confessed. "I don't know, Meredith."

"Are you sorry that you kissed her?" she asked, eyes fixed on Derek. She watched him fidget, watched him suck in a breath as he contemplated her question, no doubt trying to find the right words to convey how he felt.

On a sigh, he answered. "I'm sorry that I hurt you when I kissed her," he said carefully. Was he sorry he kissed Addison? The truth was that he couldn't bring himself to regret it. He was only sorry that it hurt Meredith, and it hurt Addison too.

A pained expression crossed Meredith's features before she nodded her head, understanding exactly what Derek meant as she read between the lines. Derek couldn't even look at her, knowing that all he would see was his own failure, the way he had hurt the two women who meant the most to him.

Conjuring all of her strength and bracing herself for whatever answer he was going to give, she finally asked. "Do you love her?"

"Meredith…"

"I need to know, Derek."

He sighed. "A part of me will always love her."

"That's not how it sounded the past four years," she said bitterly. "And I'd appreciate if you gave me a real answer. Not one that avoids really answering the question. I think I deserve that."

"You do deserve that," he agreed tiredly.

"So, what is it then?" she asked impatiently.

Unable to look at her, he nodded, feeling his chest break free at the admission of his love for Addison Montgomery, but also feeling it constrict at the way he was hurting Meredith. He loved her too. It was true when he said Meredith was like coming up for fresh air. She had saved him in so many ways, and he could not deny that he loved her. But perhaps, he was realizing now, he loved her in a different way. And probably not in the way she truly deserved.

Meredith's eyes filled with tears as she noted Derek's subtle nod. She took in a sharp breath and then a long, harsh exhale. Her throat felt tight, and her lungs felt like they couldn't get in enough air.

"Say it," she commanded, her voice quivering only slightly. "I need to hear it."

"Meredith."

"Say it," she said, more forcefully this time.

"Meredith, I am so sorry," he pleaded pitifully, finally allowing himself to look at her, to take her in completely. This was his punishment—to have the image of Meredith so deeply pained forever ingrained in his mind. He was a horrible person.

"Damn it, Derek," she exclaimed, slamming her hand on the table impatiently. "Stop the bullshit and say it. Say you love her. Say you love Addison."

He stared at her helplessly, watching her body subtly shake at all the emotions coursing through her. He wanted to close the distance between them and take her into his arms and tell her it was all a joke. He wanted to take it back, if only to stop from seeing her break right in front of his eyes. But he couldn't. He couldn't take it back. Because taking it back would be a complete and utter a lie, a disservice, an even bigger knife cutting through both of them.

"I love her," he confirmed, his voice quiet but so maddeningly sure.

Meredith nodded, a few tears escaping her eyes as she sniffed and let Derek's words sink in.

"You love her," she said stoically. An overwhelming sadness came over her then, sadness she had never felt in her life. "Did you love me, too?"

"Of course I love you!" he said assertively, not leaving any room for doubt. "Meredith, the past four years, what we had together—they're real. How I felt for you? How I still feel for you? They are real. I never lied to you about my love for you."

"So what does this mean then?" she asked, knowing that Derek was being honest when he said he loved her. "You love her, you love me. Is this a flip a coin kind of thing? Do I just wait for it to pass? What?"

He sighed, suddenly feeling deflated. "I don't know."

"Does she know you love her?" she questioned, her breathing still heavy. "Did you even tell her?"

"I told her," he confessed.

Meredith had to hold back a sob at the confession, instead choosing to power through. "And what did she say?"

"That I didn't mean it and not to ruin the good thing I had with you."

She exhaled then, a few stubborn tears escaping her eyes. He had told Addison he loved her, and she responded by telling him to go home to Meredith. She wanted to laugh. In that moment it seemed like she was living in a soap opera. But more than that, she was hit with the realization that after everything, Addison wanted Derek to protect what he already had.

"Did she say she loved you back?" she pushed, unable to help the bitter edge in her tone.

He shook his head solemnly. "She didn't."

"But you love her?" she said, more as a statement than a question.

"I love her," he confirmed. He looked up and met Meredith's gaze with as much courage as he could muster. "Meredith, I really am so very sorry."

Meredith sighed. She knew he was. He was always the good guy. He would never mean to hurt anyone.

"If changing how I feel were as simple as flipping a switch, you know I'd choose to love you and only you. In a heartbeat. The life that we have here has given me so much happiness and contentment. I wouldn't choose to complicate it by involving my feelings for my ex-wife."

"But you see, the reason we're in this complicated situation now is because you didn't involve your feelings for her to begin with," she reasoned. "If you had just… allowed yourself real time to get over things, we wouldn't have to be here."

"I'm sorry," was all he could say, because she was right. He had stupidly cast aside all of his feelings for Addison, not realizing that they would catch up to him so grandly now.

"Derek," she exhaled. "You love her."

"I love you, too."

"I know you do," she said, wondering how she went from furious to reassuring in only a matter of seconds. "You wouldn't be you if you didn't."

Derek's guilt was consuming. Meredith had so much faith in him, believed in the good in him, and he had managed to topple all of that over. He truly did not deserve her.

"But you see," she continued bravely, "it's not the same isn't it? Four years with me vs eleven years with her?"

"It doesn't work that way," he said firmly as he shook his head.

"Maybe not the length of time," she conceded, sniffing. "But she knows the real you. I never had the real you to begin with," she said sadly. "I had you, but I didn't have all of you. And if we keep this up… I'll have you, but I still won't have all of you."

"Meredith…" he murmured, confused. What was she trying to say?

"But Addison… she knows you. And you know her. If you really love her like you say you do… then allow yourself to love her."

"What?" he asked, unable to keep the surprise from his voice. He was expecting a lot of things after this conversation, like maybe sleeping on the couch, but he definitely was not expecting this.

She bit her lip. "Go after her. Be with her. Do whatever it takes for her to listen to you, until she's yours again. I can see it now Derek. What you two had—it was special. It's more than what we've had and will probably ever have in a lifetime."

"What are you saying?" confusion laced in his voice as he sat up straighter and looked directly at Meredith. "Mer?"

"I'm saying… I'm saying I'm letting you go," she answered bravely, although her tears were now falling. She mustered a reassuring smile. "I mean, I'm hurt and I'm confused and I'm really frustrated. But I can't be mad at you when I know for a fact you can't help who you love. And who you love is Addison."

"Meredith, we don't have to do this," he said, a little panicked but also very much awed. He knew Meredith was mature beyond her years, but this was something he did not expect from her.

She shook her head resolutely. "Look, you put so much energy into hating her the last four years. I'm starting to realize now that you wouldn't do that if you didn't care. You care, Derek. You care about her. You were so hurt by her actions that you thought there was no coming back from it. But as it turns out, there is. So go after her. Talk to her. Make her listen. And love her. Really and truly love her. Cherish her like you didn't before."

He stood up then, crossing the room and closing the distance between them by taking her in his arms and pulling her into a tight embrace.

"I love you, Meredith," he exhaled truthfully, holding her closer.

"I know you do," she answered, her voice muffled as she buried her face in his shirt. "But it has always been Addison, Derek. I think it's time we be fair to everyone involved if you just let yourself love her."

"What about us?" he asked, feeling terrified, but confusingly also light and free.

She sniffed, holding him a little tighter. "We had a good run, didn't we?" she asked, adjusting her head so she was looking up and meeting Derek's eyes.

He nodded confidently, eyes betraying how awed he was of the woman before him. "We did have a good run."

"What we had was real."

"Very real," he confirmed again, feeling the tightness around his heart loosen little by little.

She sighed. "It just wasn't meant to last forever."

"Mer, I'm sorry," he croaked helplessly.

"Stop apologizing," she insisted. "You can't help who you love. And I guess… I don't know. I mean, I can force you to stay here and have you pine after her unconsciously. Or I can be the bigger person and step aside," she explained quietly. "I know you Derek. You're a good person. Maybe too good. You won't let me go because you want to be the good guy. You don't want to hurt me. But really, you staying will only make this hurt more. So here I am, making the decision for you. Go after her, guilt-free."

He looked at her long and hard, unable to keep his eyes from watering. Meredith, the person who pulled him out of the wreckage of his old life and breathed new meaning into it, was once again pulling him out of waves of sadness of his own doing, and letting him go. Really there was nothing to say to that. So he just her held.

After a long moment, he continued tentatively. "Will you be okay?" he asked.

She sighed. "I mean, I'm not okay now, but I will be," she reassured him. "At least we've finally allowed ourselves to be free."

He held her then, for a long moment, just allowing her presence to settle into his bones, never wanting to forget how it felt like to have her in his arms. Never wanting to forget what it felt like for her to be his and him to be hers. This would probably be the last time.

"Don't hurt her again, Derek," she whispered finally, feeling her heart break but also knowing without doubt that she was doing the right thing.

The following day, Derek had moved all of his things out of the house and back into the trailer. As he surveyed his things, the mess of boxes and the tiny space, he realized everything was a disaster. But perhaps, things had to be hard in order for them to be easy. And this time, he was more than ready to fight.

...

Addison was relieved to be back in LA. Away from DC. Away from Derek. Away from his confessions of love and that blasted kiss that reluctantly made her knees weak and her heart beat quicken. In DC, with Derek, there was no space to breathe. No space to think. He was everywhere, doing everything she wished he did when they were still together. And that night, when he told her in no uncertain terms that he loved her and wanted to be with her, it was like bird song and the devil speaking all at once.

How could she have been so stupid as to let it get that far? She should have been the bigger person, kept her boundaries more, drawn the line with a thicker pen and a harder heart. She knew she still loved him. She knew he still had an immense effect on her. And much to her dismay, she let him. She let it all happen.

Derek Shepherd wasn't supposed to have power over her anymore. He signed off on that when he signed the divorce papers and decided she wasn't worth the effort. Derek shouldn't have been able to affect her so much. But try as she might, even four years since separating, he still did. Because her damn heart still loved him.

But she couldn't let anything else happen. The kiss was already too much. She couldn't let things go any further. He had Meredith. He was happy. She convinced herself Derek was only caught up in the moment when he said all the right things. Because no one in their right mind would want to be with her again after everything.

Reaching for her 3rd glass of wine, she sat on the deck and unabashedly allowed herself to cry.

If she was being honest with herself, she wasn't just confused. She was also furious and hurt and feeling unimaginably fucked over. Derek should have listened a long time ago. He should have at least let her explain. And if after explaining he still wanted to walk out, then that was that. She was mad at him for letting things drag on this long, for allowing their relationship to gape open, without so much as emotional closure aside from a divorce that she reluctantly agreed to. She was so mad at him—because now that she was finally picking up the pieces of her life, he was back trying to claim her. He should have done that 4 years ago, the moment he found her with Mark. Not four years later when she was trying so badly to move on.

She was also beyond hurt. Why would he want to mend things now? Because he found out the entire truth? Was not being his wife of 11 years, his partner for longer than that, enough reason to fight for her and for their marriage? The truth should have been beside the point. The fact that they took vows, that they were husband and wife, that he knew her, that she was Addison and he was Derek—those should have been enough for him to stay and fight. And it hurt her beyond compare that he didn't. Those reasons weren't enough, as if everything they had ever been through as a couple were for naught because of a single, stupid mistake she had committed that night. That pained her so deeply, so profoundly, more than anything he had said or done after the fact. When he just walked away, when he didn't even bother to fight, when he signed the divorce papers without so much as a blink of an eye, she realized how little she really meant to him. And that was one realization that cut through her, kept her awake at night, made her reach for a bottle of wine far too many times than was respectable.

It was so hard to get out of bed each morning after the divorce that she had to minimize him, make him so tiny as to fit into the box in her head, shoved to the very recesses of her mind. He was her world, and he measured far more than anything, more than the ocean and the skies and the stars combined, and it took herculean effort to make him small enough to walk with her head held high. But for him? It took only a drive cross country to forget about her. More than calling her Satan when she came to Seattle, more than calling her an adulterous bitch, more than throwing her out in the rain half naked when he found her that night, it was the speed with which he moved on and cast her aside that pained her.

Yet here he was now, admitting his mistakes, telling her he loved her and wanted to be with her. He even had the audacity to command her to tell him she didn't love him, knowing full well she still did. That she couldn't look him in the eye and tell him she felt nothing for him. He knew she still loved him, and he hoped she could forgive his transgressions and move forward with him. He was one hell of an asshole.

She wiped at her tears angrily, downing her 3rd glass of wine in one long sip and then poured herself another. This was her 3rd bottle, which meant it had been 3 straight days of drinking herself into oblivion. She had excused herself from the practice, claiming she had come down with the flu from the weather change between DC and LA, and instead spent her days sulking over how her ex-husband still had the power to drive her to alcoholism.

She still loved him, of that she was unafraid to admit. It was the plain truth. But she also felt an immense amount of shame admitting it. It had been four years, and by now she should have moved on completely. Maybe even remarried. Maybe even still have the time for the white picket fence, two and a half kids kind of dream. But her stupid heart still loved Derek.

But loving him and wanting him were two different things. For although she loved him fiercely, she was also afraid. She was scared of what it might be to be with him again. Would things change? Or would they fall back into the same patterns? Would they be happy? All of the uncertainty arising from those questions made her wonder if, despite loving him, she wanted him. Maybe a more primal, less practical part of her wanted him, all of him. Wanted the house and the kids and the dog with him, still. But the part of her that had already learned from being hurt by him was reluctant to allow herself to want him. She had to protect herself some way. And while she couldn't protect herself from her own feelings, it didn't mean she couldn't protect herself from him at all.

Taking a sip of her wine, she sniffed. She looked and felt like a complete disaster, her emotions a mess, her hair askew, her mascara dripping down her cheeks in a black river that betrayed precisely how broken down and defeated she felt. Addison Montgomery was very rarely defeated, and if she ever was, it was only because of Derek Shepherd. That had to change now.

...

On the first week of December, Derek flew to DC, a feeling of anticipation bursting from his chest. It felt like he would burst at the seams with the sheer amount of excitement, anxiety, trepidation, and love he felt. He had done a lot of thinking, and he had come to so many conclusions, the most important of which was that Addison was still the love his life. And he wanted her.

But he was sorely disappointed to find out she had asked to be excused from the trial that week.

"She's sick," Andrew had said. "Down with the flu, said there was a bug going around the practice."

Andrew had said she sounded horrible over the phone, and that he didn't want her traveling in such a state. Derek only nodded, accepting it, not bothering to hide that fact that he was disappointed. If Andrew caught on to anything happening between the two of them, Derek ignored it. He surmised Addison was avoiding him, and he found that he couldn't really blame her. He had done his fair share of thinking, and he was certain Addison was doing the same. Except, he knew she probably wasn't reaching the same conclusions he was.

So he dragged his feet that week, let residents and other OB GYNs and neonatologists operate with him in her absence. He sent her regular updates about their patients, emailed her patient data for the next batch of trial participants, but she would never respond.

By the end of the first week, it was clear Addison wasn't going to be coming. Derek felt like he was a ticking time bomb—shaking, always shaking, feeling stuck and wanting to take action but not knowing how to. This resulted in him being less than dreamy. He was back to the irritable Derek people in DC had associated with the first few months of the trial. It wasn't long before the news reached Andrew, and he had to sit him down again to talk to him.

"This really isn't necessary," Derek said sourly even has he took a seat in Andrew's office.

Andrew only raised a skeptical brow at him and waiting for the younger man to settle into his seat.

"What can I do for you today, Andrew?" Derek asked in a fake sweet tone.

Andrew rolled his eyes. "Derek," he said warningly.

The younger man sighed, closing his eyes for a brief moment before looking at Andrew and nodding at him. "I'm sorry."

Andrew shook his head. "You're always late to the OR, irritable during surgery. You snap at nurses and interns and you have a permanent scowl on your face. It has been months of blissful peace, without complaints Derek. What has gotten into you?"

Derek exhaled heavily, rubbing his face tiredly. Andrew sounded impeccably like Meredith did when she confronted him. "It's just been… an eventful few weeks."

"As your colleague I would say I don't care as long as you keep your personal life out of work," Andrew replied sternly. "But as your friend, I'm afraid you'll have to elaborate so I can help you."

"Meredith and I broke up," Derek stated. "Meredith… my girlfriend… my wife… my whatever. We broke up. Meredith is—"

"Ellis Grey's daughter, I know," Andrew supplied.

Derek's brow furrowed. "How do you know that?"

"You think I don't keep in touch with Richard?" he asked rhetorically.

"No, it's just… I didn't think you guys gossiped." When Andrew didn't respond, Derek frowned. "But yes, she is Ellis Grey's daughter. We were together for nearly 5 years. And we just broke up."

Andrew nodded, studying Derek's face. He had bags under his eyes, his hair was a mess, and he looked monumentally tired. "Might I hazard a guess and assume this break up has something to do with a certain red headed physician who is markedly absent as we speak?"

Derek frowned but nodded wordlessly. There was no point denying it, especially to Andrew, who already knew him so well to begin with.

"Is her absence also the cause for this erratic behavior?" Andrew asked knowingly.

He sighed. "You can say she's a part of it."

"A big part, I assume."

"A fairly big part," he agreed glumly, slouching in his seat and rubbing his eyes tiredly.

Andrew frowned. He knew at that point something happened between Addison and Derek which would explain her absence and his behavior. He just put two and two together. The former Shepherds weren't impossible to read at all.

"Is this related to why Addison isn't here then?" he asked carefully. When Derek didn't answer, Andrew knew for certain. "Derek, what did you do?"

"What makes you think I did anything?" he countered defensively, mildly astonished that Andrew could come to that conclusion so quickly. But then again, he was always the troublemaker.

Andrew didn't respond verbally. He just gave him a pointed look and then took a sip of his coffee, waiting for Derek to continue.

"It's a long story," Derek finally answered.

"Your next surgery isn't until tomorrow, and I have time," he responded, leaving Derek no choice but to speak up. "So let me ask again. What did you do?"

"I kissed her," Derek said unceremoniously.

Andrew hummed thoughtfully. "I should have expected something like this to happen," he answered honestly. "I guess I owe Richard 20 bucks."

"What?"

Andrew shrugged unapologetically. "He warned me about the two of you. I told him nothing would happen. We bet on it, and apparently I lost."

Derek rolled his eyes, for a moment amused and able to forget the predicament he was currently in. "And you say you aren't gossips."

Andrew held his hands up in mock surrender. "Can you really blame me for having a little faith in the two of you?" he asked. "I've never met Meredith, and you seemed to really dislike Addison at the beginning. I didn't think there was cause to worry. But Richard apparently did. Because he apparently knows you two better than I do after all these years," he said with a shake of his head. "He told me to watch out, because of all that we'd seen when you guys were interns."

"And you didn't believe him?"

"Not that I didn't believe him," Andrew amended. "But he didn't see how you were at each other's throats constantly at the start. I honestly didn't think there was a chance for a true reconciliation between the two of you."

"Even when you forced us to spend all that time together?" Derek asked skeptically.

"Even then," Andrew confirmed.

Derek sighed. "I don't know what to do," he admitted openly.

"It seems you already do," Andrew commented, "seeing that you've already broken up with Meredith."

"I broke up with her to show Addison I was serious. I made a lot of mistakes, Andrew, the biggest of which was letting her go so easily. I should never have done that. But I'm here trying to make up for those mistakes and she won't even give me a chance."

"Did she say that?"

Derek snorted. "She doesn't have to say it. Her absence this week speaks volumes. She wants nothing to do with me."

"Or maybe she just needs to think," Andrew replied knowingly. "For what it's worth, Derek, I think she still loves you. But you put her through one hell of a grinder, and it's well within her rights to think things through before jumping to anything with you."

"I don't think Addison wants to be with me," he said wretchedly, feeling a rush of pain course through him at the thought.

Andrew sighed. "Look, Derek. I don't know what went down between the two of you. When I moved out here to DC, you guys were still very much together. So you can imagine my shock when I found out you guys divorced. But from what I've heard through the grapevine, you were no saint in what happened."

"I wasn't," he confirmed quietly.

"You didn't fight for her. Good Lord, I heard you just walked out. If I found anyone in bed with my Cecile, I would have beaten the guy to a pulp and then proceeded to recklessly remind my wife who she belonged to," he said. "But you? You just walked out. After everything you guys went through, you just left. Didn't even fight."

"You're right, I didn't fight," he said, eyes lowered. Andrew was right—he should have done more. This time, he wasn't going to make excuses about how in shock he was that night, or how nauseous he felt just looking at Addison. This time, he could admit to himself that there were things he should have done but didn't.

"I guess it's high time you did it now," he said with a knowing look. Andrew leaned forward in his seat. "If you want her, fight for her. It's your turn to do it anyway."

...

After Derek's two weeks in DC, he decided on the last minute he would fly to New York instead of Seattle for the holidays. He's been away from his family for too long, and there was nothing and no one waiting for him in Seattle anyway.

So when he arrived unceremoniously at Nancy's house, no one could blame the shock Nancy registered on her face as she opened the door.

"You are the last person I expected to see on my front step," she said bluntly as she opened the door wider for him to come in. Derek gave her a sheepish look, to which Nancy could only smile. Within seconds she was hugging her only brother and giving him a small kiss on the cheek.

"Took you long enough to come home," she said to him before they pulled back from their embrace.

"I'm home now," he said lightly before shrugging off his coat. Nancy took his coat wordlessly and hung it in the coat closet next to the door.

"Are you alone, or is the slutty intern coming?" she asked casually, busying herself with his coat and a hanger.

"What, I don't even get 5 minutes of cease fire before you're on my case already?" he asked her incredulously.

She turned her head to give him a pointed look. "I was only asking if I should make the guest room for one or two people," she answered primly, unimpressed.

Derek sighed. He knew there was no way it would all be happiness and welcoming. His sisters were hard on him, and for good reason especially the past few years. Nancy in particular seemed to speak her mind almost without caring for the occasion.

"It's just me," he replied tiredly. "And Meredith isn't a slutty intern."

"So you say," she said, turning towards the stairs and gesturing for Derek to follow her up. "I'm sorry the guest room isn't fixed yet," she rattled as they ascended the stairs. "You didn't call ahead, so imagine my surprise to see you on my front porch."

"I'm sorry," he replied mechanically, his right hand carrying his suitcase up the steps. "I know I didn't call to tell you, but you don't mind me staying right?"

"Of course not," she answered as they reached the top of the steps, Derek following her to the guestroom on the 2nd floor. "Besides, who else would you stay with? Kathleen's in-laws are in town and Lizzie lives in a shoebox in Manhattan." At that, she stopped and turned to Derek, her foot pivoting on the carpet just as they arrived at the door of the guest room. "And you sure as hell don't want to stay with mom," she said knowingly.

He gave her a tight smile and then watched her open the door to the bedroom. He settled his suitcase in a corner as Nancy busied herself with the bedsheets and towels from the closet just outside the door. He surveyed the room. It hadn't changed much. He and Addison stayed there often for the holidays, and had shared this room any time they were both too drunk to drive after a glorious dinner at Nancy's feasting on some good wine.

Nancy came in then, her hands full with sheets and Derek stepped up to help her. Wordlessly, he set the pillow cases and towels to the side and then took one side of the fitted sheet while Nancy took the other. They worked in tandem as they fixed the bed for Derek's use.

"I'm glad you made it out to the East Coast this year," Nancy said sincerely. "Did Meredith not get any time off for the holidays?" she asked casually, eyes not meeting Derek's as she stuffed a pillow case with a pillow.

Derek sighed as he mirrored her actions with another pillow. "No, she has work," he said, hoping not to get into the whole conversation within 10 minutes of him arriving.

Nancy nodded, fluffing up the pillows at the head of the bed. "Well, either way, I'm glad you made it. It's been way too long."

"It has," he agreed ruefully.

"Mom would be ecstatic. So would the kids. They've missed you."

Derek gave her a half smile. He wasn't sure if that was a jab, although anything with Nancy was an underhanded insult anyway, at least when it came to him. But it was true. His mom would be ecstatic, and he was definitely excited to see the kids.

Wordlessly, they pulled the comforter over the bed, and then Nancy handed him a towel.

"Well," she said, looking around the room to see what her brother might need. "You know where the bathroom and everything else is. Just… feel at home," she said, looking at Derek with a slight smile. "I'll leave you to settle down. I have dinner cooking downstairs. Come down at around 6:30—John and the kids should be home by then."

Derek cast her a grateful smile as she exited the room and closed the door behind her. At 6:30, he made his way downstairs and was immediately assaulted by Nancy's three kids, all chattering non-stop about missing him and Aunt Addie, and thanking him for the presents that arrived last week, still assuming it was from both himself and Addison. Their chatter filled the dinner table as they sat to eat Nancy's lasagna, John joining in with a comment or two, and Nancy being unusually quiet except to innocently accuse Derek of the things he had and hadn't done. He sensed Nancy was going to corner him sometime soon, and he was grateful for the presence of her kids to keep her prying questions at bay for the meantime.

But when dinner finished and John volunteered to do the dishes, Nancy gave Derek a pointed look.

"How about a night cap, Derek?" she offered, not leaving any room for him to decline as she made her way to the sitting room. Nancy never liked beating around the bush, and he wasn't surprised that she was going straight for him so soon—no doubt to tell Kathleen and Lizzie later in the evening.

Derek sat down, watching Nancy fix him a glass of scotch and pour herself a glass of red wine.

"Why isn't Meredith here?" she asked, handing him his scotch.

"I told you, she has work," he replied.

She raised a brow at him, clearly meant to say she wasn't buying it. "I'm sure she has had work the previous years but you didn't bother flying out here either," she pointed.

"I came from DC," he explained. "I figured it was a shorter flight."

Nancy furrowed her brow. "DC?"

He nodded, taking a sip of his scotch. "I've been working on a clinical trial in DC the past year," he explained. "Half a month in DC since March."

"A clinical trial in DC? I don't think you've ever mentioned that," she said as she sipped her wine. And then her face seemed to come to recognition. "But Addison mentioned a clinical trial in DC," she continued suspiciously, eyeing her brother carefully.

Derek sighed. "Yes, it's a clinical trial on in-utero spina bifida repair."

"You've been working on the same trial for months," she accused, wondering why it never occurred to her that her brother was the neurosurgeon on board. Addison didn't bother mentioning Derek, but she did mention spending more time in DC lately for a prestigious trial.

"We have," he confirmed.

"You never said anything."

"I'm assuming she didn't either, seeing as you know about the trial but didn't know I was part of it."

Nancy frowned. "You didn't treat her badly right?" she asked, the suspicion still heavy in her tone. "I swear to God Derek, if you treated her with any less than utmost respect, I will have your balls—"

"No need to be so dramatic Nancy," he replied as he rolled his eyes.

"I know you Derek Shepherd," she replied, unimpressed. "What did you do?"

"I didn't do anything!"

"Oh please," she scoffed. "I am your sister. And you can pretend to be someone you aren't when you're all the way across the country in Seattle, but you can't do that here. Not here, not with me."

"You sound like Mom," he stated, partly because he knew that annoyed her.

"You can't keep detracting," she said with an eye roll.

"I don't actually have to tell you anything," he countered. "There aren't any rules about me telling you anything."

"I am perfectly aware. You've made that quite clear with the numerous unreturned phone calls and your marvelous disappearing act," she replied.

"Nancy," he said warningly, feeling his head starting to throb.

"You don't get to just show up here after 5 years and pretend like nothing is wrong," she said haughtily. "I saw you one time in the last 5 years, and only because I flew all the way to Seattle to see you. You haven't been home since you left, and you haven't been over for the holidays long before you divorced Addison. So excuse me if I'm a little confused here."

She watched Derek avoid her gaze, instead fixing his eyes on the window. There was an unreadable expression on his face, and she could detect a hint of sadness and regret in his eyes. She softened then.

"Derek," she continued quietly. "Something happened with Addison, didn't it?" There was a time when only Addison could make Derek come home. But in the last few years of their marriage, even Addison failed at that. Nancy wasn't surprised that his presence now was somehow related to his ex-wife.

There was a long moment of silence where Nancy wasn't sure if Derek was going to answer. But then she saw him clench his jaw, eyes still fixed on the window.

"Did you know about Steven?" he asked quietly.

Nancy's face softened further, her eyes suddenly filled with understanding and pity. "I see she finally told you the whole story."

"Why didn't you tell me?" he whispered harshly, his gaze finally landing on Nancy. "Why didn't anyone tell me?"

"Would you have listened if we told you?" she countered. "Not that it was our job, but we tried Derek. Addison was adamant that she didn't want you to know, at least not from us. We wanted you to know the entire story because you blamed her equivocally for everything. But she insisted it didn't matter, and after so many tries calling you and you never picking up, we just gave it up."

"Did everyone know?" he asked, his throat tight.

Nancy sighed. "We all knew," she confirmed quietly.

Derek's expression turned pained and horrified. Everyone in his family knew the entire story. He felt the shame course through him in waves.

"What did Addison tell you?" she asked seriously.

Derek shook his head. "Everything."

"That she saw him at the hospital?"

He nodded. "That they were in the elevator together. That she called and paged but I never answered."

"And Mark?"

"That he was just there," he replied wretchedly, helplessly.

Nancy looked at her brother sympathetically. "Mark was always there."

He nodded reluctantly. "For her birthday, for Christmas, heck, even for our anniversary."

"You were busy," she said, not sure if she said it to defend him or accuse him.

"I was a terrible husband, wasn't I?" he asked, his voice raw with emotion.

That's putting it mildly, she wanted to say, but she held her tongue and managed a sympathetic expression. There were so many times she wanted to whack him in the head and drill some sense into him, but he already looked pitiful enough as it was right now that she figured he didn't any more from her.

But she knew what he was thinking. She was witness to all of it. How Addison made excuses for missed dinners. How she attended functions on her own. How Derek had forgotten Addison's birthday and sent Mark in his place on their 10th wedding anniversary. All of them, his sisters, saw the story unfold as it happened, saw their marriage break down right in front of their eyes. So while they weren't thrilled about what Addison had done, they couldn't blame her completely. Everyone knew she was at the end of her rope, that Derek was treating her poorly long before Mark happened. And she expressed immense remorse over her mistake the minute she did it.

"I'm glad she finally told you," Nancy settled, choosing not to engage Derek's self-pity.

"I should have listened sooner," he admitted. "But I shut her out. And I shut you guys out. I just… let all this anger and hate consume me, I didn't even realize it."

"Well, now you know," she said frankly. "What matters is what you're gonna do about it."

He looked up to meet her gaze then. "I wondered why everyone was on her side, you know?" he continued, ignoring Nancy's previous statement. "I didn't understand why my own sisters would side with her, defend her. I was your brother, your own flesh and blood, and I felt like you weren't on my side."

"It's not about sides," she answered him pointedly.

"I know that now," he said quickly. "But back then, it only added to the resentment I felt. I lost my wife, lost my best friend, and my own sisters came to Addison's defense. What was I supposed to feel?"

"Well if you had gotten your head out of your ass sooner, you'd have known we gave Addison shit for it too," she said. "But Addison actually showed regret, and you forget that we saw how you treated her before she slept with Mark."

Derek didn't answer. Instead, he took a swig of his drink and pondered Nancy's words.

"Derek, I love you," she continued. "You're my brother. But I'm not blind to your faults, as it should be. And it's my job as your sister to tell you when you've screwed up. So let me tell you now—you've screwed up big time."

"Thanks," he answered sarcastically as he rolled his eyes. "Please don't go easy on me Nancy, it's always such a pleasure to hear about all the wrong I've done."

"Oh, would you grow up Derek?" she replied impatiently, unimpressed. "Here's what happened—"

"Objectively?"

She rolled her eyes, ignoring him. "You ignored your wife, treated her poorly, and when she needed you, you weren't there. She made a mistake and slept with your best friend, but instead of facing the issue like a man, you walked away and divorced her. And then you found a girl half your age, married her, and not once bothered to ask yourself why Addison could do such a thing if she loved you so much. You saw things in black and white. You never let Addison's actions have any context. And now you're sitting here after finding out the entire truth, and allowing yourself to marinate in your self-pity. You're going to have to face up to your mistakes, Derek. You're 40. Sulking wasn't cute when you were 6, and it still isn't cute now."

"How long have you been waiting to say all of that?"

"Too long," she replied curtly before taking a sip of her wine and crossing her legs. "So what now? You realized you still love her?"

He sighed. "I do still love her."

"Well, that's complicated because you're married," she answered.

"Meredith and I broke up."

"That's not how it works when you're married," she said wryly.

"We never actually got married," he explained, realizing there were so many layers to the story that Nancy could go off-tangent to. Before she could burst out in surprise, he cut her off. "Yes, I referred to her as my wife, and I considered her my wife in all sense of the word, but we were never legally married. No, I didn't have a second wedding. Yes, I understand it's juvenile. But please, that's entirely beside the point. The point is Addison."

"Derek—"

"Drop it Nancy," he said meaningfully. "Meredith is out of the picture. I don't want to keep explaining myself."

She pursed her lips in thought, reeling from Derek's revelation that he was never actually married to the slutty intern. That was something she was going to have to tell Lizzie tonight.

"So, what now?" she asked again.

"I don't know," he admitted.

"Did you tell her you love her?"

"I did. And I'm sure you can tell she wasn't exactly jumping for joy when I did."

"Yeah, I would have kicked your butt if you did that to me," she answered honestly.

He sighed. "Look, I don't know what to do yet, okay? So can we just… stop with the 20 questions tonight? I'm tired, it's been a long day, and I really just want to spend some quality time with my favorite sister."

"Don't let Kathleen hear you say that," she warned, but nodded in concession and smiled softly at him. Derek had his work cut out for him for sure.

...

On Christmas Eve, Derek's non-marriage and his subsequent reunion with Addison was all the gossip at the Shepherd family table. His sisters definitely did not go easy on him—not after what Nancy had revealed to them. That he was never actually married to Meredith. That he had been spending half the year with Addison in DC. That he had finally found out the whole truth about Addison and Mark's relationship. It wasn't a taboo topic—it was out in the open, his sisters interjecting comments and himself shoving more and more pasta in his mouth to keep from saying anything else. It was bad enough that his sisters knew. But it was so much worse because they were relentless. And he found himself too tired to correct them, to keep repeating himself, to keep telling the story.

So far, no one had mentioned Addison beyond the clinical trial. They all thankfully had the decency not to corner him into admitting his feelings for her. Not at the dinner table. Not when Derek was still obviously turning it over himself. But his sisters were his sisters after all, and there were hints of Addison always being The Fifth Shepherd Sister that were thrown around once or twice. It wasn't lost on Derek that his sisters hoped for a reunion. He hoped for one too. But unfortunately that wasn't entirely in his hands, and there was a hell of a lot of work to do to gain Addison's trust.

After dinner, he sat by the tree as his nieces and nephews giggled excitedly about opening some of the presents tonight. Across the living room, he caught his mother looking at him. She cocked her head, signaling for him to follow. He sighed. His mother for sure wanted to talk, too. Realizing it was an inevitability, he stood up and followed her to the back porch. She had taken his jacket with her and gave it to him so he could bundle up.

When they were sufficiently warm, they wordlessly sat on the bench, the snow-covered grass beneath their feet.

"I must say Derek, that you sure know how to surprise an old woman."

"Ma…"

"It's okay," she placated. "You're a grown man, you're allowed to make your own choices. But as your mother, I cannot deny that I'm concerned."

He nodded understandingly. "What about all of this concerns you?"

She sighed. "Well, for one I'm surprised you and Meredith weren't actually married," she remarked dryly. "But I'm even more surprised by this apparent rediscovery of your feelings for Addison."

Leave it to Carolyn Shepherd to know things even if it was never mentioned explicitly that Derek was indeed still pining for Addison.

"I'm surprised too," he said honestly. For the last four years he had convinced himself there was no way Addison could still be the love of his life. But here he was now, openly admitting to himself that she still was, and probably always had been.

She nodded mutely. A few moments of silence passed between them, Derek's eyes trained on the swing set in the backyard.

"I always thought Addison was wrong for you," she said after a moment. "I tried my best to be polite, but I don't think I could say I was ever fond of her," she admitted.

"I know. And she knows that too. But she was willing to try because you know Bizzy was never the mother she needed. You were the closest thing."

Carolyn pondered on that for a brief moment before nodding. "Addie was a nice girl. But I never thought she was the girl for you."

Derek sighed, stuffing his hands in his pocket but not saying anything. It was clear his mother never approved of Addison. Not of her privileged upbringing. Not of her trust fund. Not of her skill which Carolyn felt would always compete with Derek's.

"I was furious when she turned to Mark," she continued. "You can imagine it didn't earn her any brownie points. I was hurt on your behalf. As a mother, it's never easy seeing any of your children get hurt."

She turned to Derek then, her eyes betraying the pain she felt for her only son when Addison had slept with Mark. Mark, who was practically his brother.

"But I won't lie to you, Derek," she continued. "I saw Addison struggle to keep you two together. And I've got to hand it to her, with the exception of what she did with Mark, she always kept it classy. She'd show up to dinners alone and always come to your defense when you couldn't make it. Your sisters always knew she was just barely keeping it together, but in front of us, she always made it seem like you were the most important doctor at the damn hospital. I never heard her complain in front of us about the hours you kept, that you rarely went home and slept in the same bed, that you forgot her birthday. She's close to your sisters, and even when she admitted you forgot her birthday and Nancy was furious, she still defended you. Nancy was just too nice to call her out on the BS." Carolyn paused. "Addison never threw you under the bus. She kept a united front for you, even if it was quite clear she was struggling."

Derek nodded, soaking in his mother's words. "I didn't know that," he confessed quietly.

Carolyn shrugged. "You know she still sends gifts for birthdays and holidays? Even after the divorce?"

"Yeah," he replied softly.

"What she did was wrong, and I won't condone it or even defend it," she said. "But I must admit that over the years, I've come to forgive her. Not only because I had seen her try to make amends, but because I realized that for a while, she was the only thing that tethered you to us. To me. You were only ever present for us because she would force you to. When you left and you two separated, you never came home anymore. It's like you cut the string on your relationship with her, but you cut it from your family, too."

"I'm sorry," he whispered, knowing Carolyn was right about that. There was a point when he would only come over for Christmas because Addison insisted. And if she had been anyone else but Addison, he would have gladly stayed home after a grueling shift from the hospital. But she was who she was, and she made sure Derek kept in touch with his family. It often felt like she was more of a Shepherd than he was.

"Derek, son," she said seriously. "Your father would have wanted you to be with a woman who makes you happy. I thought, after Addison, Meredith was the one for you. But it seems to me now that I was probably wrong about that. Because it's always been Addison, hasn't it?"

Derek could only nod mutely, thinking of his father and how he would not have been proud of the man he had become.

"If you love her," she continued, "then love her. Forgive her. And move forward with her. There's no moving forward unless you forgive her completely."

She reached deep into her coat pocket then, revealing a ring Derek had never seen before. He looked up at his mother, confusion etched on his face.

"What is that?" he asked.

"Your father wanted you to have this, for the right girl," she replied. "I'll admit I wasn't keen on giving it to Addison the first time around. I didn't think she was the right girl. But I realized, that's not my decision to make, is it?" she said knowingly, taking Derek's gloved hand and laying the ring on his palm.

"Mom…"

"What you do with that ring is up to you," she continued. "You can give it to Addison, or it can be an entirely different person all together. But the decision of who is right for you must come from you and only you. No one, not me, not Nancy, not Addison or Meredith can tell you who you should spend your life with."

He stared at the ring, tears pricking his eyes. It had been in the hands of his father once, and he immediately felt a pang of longing at the thought. It was a simple silver ring with a single stone. But it was beautiful.

Carolyn stood up and kissed the top of Derek's head.

"I'm glad you spent the holidays with us this year," she said finally before walking back inside the house and leaving Derek in the backyard.

It felt like forever as he sat there, mind still reeling from all that his mother just revealed. The ring now sat heavily in his pocket, a small sturdy reminder of the kind of life he had to live, the kind of life that would make his late father proud. How he had never known about the ring in a house full of girls was a mystery to him. Even more, he was baffled by the way his mother thought Addison wrong enough not give the ring to in the first place. But in that moment, he was sure who the ring belonged to. Without doubt and without question, he knew who it was meant for.

Minutes ticked by until he was lost in his thoughts for a little more than an hour. Just as he was getting ready to go back inside, he heard the screen door open and the sound of boots crunching on the snow behind him tentatively. He turned his head to see who had disturbed his solitude, and was immediately surprised.

"Mark," he said, feeling like this was the most comical way to end the night. After rounds of teasing from his sisters, a very serious conversation with his mother, long and meaningful thoughts about Addison, here was Mark now, in the flesh, standing in his backyard like he belonged there, giving him a cautious smile.

"Hey, Derek."

"What the hell are you doing here?"

He shrugged, hands stuffed deep in his blue pea coat, a flannel scarf around his neck. "I'm always invited to the Shepherd Christmas," he answered matter-of-factly.

Derek's brow furrowed. "Even after?"

Mark shrugged again. "The invite was never retracted, so I've been here every year since I was… at least 10."

Derek shook his head, not believing what he had just heard. Mark still came to the Shepherd holidays? A part of him couldn't believe his nerve, but another part of him knew Derek's family was the only family Mark had.

Mark made a hesitant step forward. "Mind if I join you out here for a bit?" he asked.

Derek sighed and then gestured to the seat Carolyn had vacated almost an hour ago. Mark slowly made his way up and sat down next to Derek, keeping a small distance between them. They sat in silence for a long while.

"I heard it rains a lot in Seattle," Mark finally commented. "Doesn't that mess with your hair?"

Derek snorted. "You would like that, wouldn't you?"

Mark chuckled. "Not really. I know how anal you are with your hair, is all."

"I found the right hair product," Derek replied, shaking his head and unable to keep a small smile from his lips. It came as a surprise to him that Mark's presence didn't anger him. He expected to want to punch him, four years later. But the tentative air of… brotherliness… between them was mildly comforting to him.

"I'm glad you did," Mark smiled.

After a pause, Derek spoke. "Did my sisters tell you about what happened?"

"You know how they are," he replied, getting a cliff notes version from Lizzie the moment he stepped into the Shepherd home. He always came, partly because he knew Derek wouldn't be there, so he was very surprised when he found Derek had actually shown up this year. The confusion must have registered on his face because Lizzie pulled him aside and gave a rushed and hushed version of what had happened.

"Yeah," Derek agreed warily.

"So you know everything," Mark stated.

Derek nodded curtly. "That you may or may not have taken advantage of my wife in her time of distress," he said, unable to hide the anger in his tone.

Mark sighed. "Is that how Addison described it?"

He shook his head. "No, actually. Believe it or not, she defended you. Addison told me she kissed you, and she forced you. But I seem to believe you had your mental faculties intact and should have stopped it, but I'm guessing your other head was more in control that night."

Mark bit his lip. "I regret that," he replied quietly, guilt heavy in his tone.

"Regret it enough to confess to my wife that you were in love with her and wanted a relationship with her?" he scoffed.

"I did love her," Mark admitted without shame. "And I did want a relationship with her. I don't regret saying that or wanting that. But I regret how it happened. The wheels didn't have to start with me sleeping with her."

"How long have you been in love with my wife?" Derek asked almost angrily.

Mark exhaled, slate grey eyes suddenly so lonely. "Too long for you to want to know," he confessed, feeling his chest tighten just a little. It was in med school. He looked at her one day and all of a sudden she was all he could see. But he set his feelings aside because she was deliriously happy with Derek, and Derek felt the same way about her.

"So you were just waiting for an opportunity then?" he accused.

Mark shook his head. "No, I wasn't," he said firmly. "I wasn't going to tell her anything or let her know. I respected your marriage and knew from the get go you were the one she wanted. Even when she stayed with me after you left, I knew she still wanted you." He paused, thinking back on the two months they spent together. How he had slept with a string of other girls to forget how Addison looked at him and only saw Derek.

"Derek, I never meant for it to happen," Mark continued. "I loved her, and that's a lot considering how I am with women. But Addison was different. What I felt for her then was the first and only time I'd ever felt that way for anyone in my life," he admitted. He looked down, feeling his throat constrict and Derek stiffen next to him at his confession. "I understood what it meant to love someone truly and unconditionally when I fell in love with her, because I realized I loved her enough to stand aside, to let her go. She wasn't happy with me. She didn't want me. She never did. And even if it killed me, I let her go."

Derek swallowed around the lump in his throat, realizing that he and his best friend had been in love with the same woman for so long. And that Mark had made the ultimate sacrifice and let him have her even when he wanted her for himself too. And yet, Derek took her for granted, still. Mark would have given her the world.

"You didn't fight?"

"I wanted to," he answered, recalling the image of Addison packing her things to move to LA and how he held his tongue the entire time. "I could have offered her the moon, but I still wouldn't have been what she wanted."

Derek nodded at that. "She told me you guys still talk."

"We do on occasion," Mark replied carefully. "She's one of the only real friends I have."

Derek sighed. "I know."

"I'm sorry if that hurts you, Derek," he said sincerely. "And I'm sorry that I hurt you when I slept with her. I regret that, more than you'll ever know. That mistake made me lose my brother and my best friend. I had never been more alone than I was in the aftermath of all of that mess."

"Addie says you were just collateral damage to our marriage."

"She said that?" he asked, surprised. It's true Addison never blamed him for what happened to her marriage. But she never explicitly absolved him of the guilt. She just… shrugged it off.

He nodded again. "In the end, it was our marriage, and our fault. You just got caught up in it."

"I'm still sorry," Mark replied earnestly. "You and your family and Addison… you're all I've got."

"I know," Derek answered again. He did know. It was a fact he'd known since they were six years old.

"I hope one day, you can find it in your heart to, you know, forgive me," Mark said, unable to look at Derek.

Derek sighed tiredly, rubbing his eyes before looking at Mark meaningfully. He paused for a moment, taking in Mark's contrite expression. This was his best friend for years.

"We'll get there," Derek finally settled truthfully, offering Mark a half smile.

"Yeah?" Mark asked, hope bubbling in his chest. A holiday miracle indeed.

"Yeah," Derek confirmed, giving him another short, sincere smile before moving to stand up. "Now let's get back inside. I hear Nathan is going to attempt to make hot buttered rum tonight."

Mark grinned and stood up, following Derek into the house and feeling the hope bloom even more. Maybe it wasn't too late to get his brother back.

...

On Christmas morning, Derek awoke to a very angry text message from Amelia. Amelia almost never spoke to him, and he was surprised she even had his number. But her message was clear—Addison was a mess and it was his fault. You're an asshole, Derek, she had typed out. Well, that much was certain. So without second thought, Derek quickly booked a ticket to LA for the same day, not caring that it was Christmas, that the flight tickets were priced sky high, or that he had to make an unglamorous exit from the Shepherd family Christmas. All he cared about was Addison.

He found himself out of breath some 8 hours later at the front door of Addison's home in LA. He caught the first flight out of New York, and with the time difference, it was only about the early afternoon in California. After he had caught his breath, he brought his hand up to ring the bell.

A few minutes later, Amelia opened the door, her face angry as she stepped out and closed the door behind her.

"What are you doing here?" she whispered harshly.

"What do you mean what am I doing here? I'm here for Addison," he said.

Amelia fixed him a stern look. "No. You've done enough. You better leave now if you know what's good for you."

"Amelia," he sighed in exasperation. "I just got off a 6 hour flight squeezed between a crying baby and a very, very heavyset man. I am tired, but I am here. I'm not leaving."

"Well you sure as hell aren't staying here," she said with finality. "It's Christmas, Derek. Christmas. Addison loves Christmas," she continued emphatically. "But she drank an entire bottle of wine last night and is currently nursing a major hangover, all because of one very stupid Derek Shepherd. Cut her some slack will you and just leave?"

"I can't leave, Amy. It's Christmas."

"Derek," she replied impatiently.

"Amelia, how do you expect me to fix things if you won't even let me in? The least you could do is to let me greet her a Merry Christmas so she knows I'm here. And if she wants me to leave, then I'll leave."

"Derek," she repeated, shaking her head. "You don't understand. She's a mess."

"So I've gathered," he answered wryly. He sighed, shaking his head. "Look, Amy. I get it. I was an asshole. I put her through a lot of shit and she has been hurt enough. But I'm not here to hurt her."

"Then why are you here?" she asked, a hand on her hip and tapping her foot impatiently. She reminded him so much of Nancy in that moment, her expression clearly unimpressed by him.

"To make things right," he said firmly. "Just… let me in. I know how to take care of a hungover Addison."

She looked at him skeptically. "I doubt it. When were you ever there when she was too drunk or too hungover because of you?" she accused.

"Probably not in a long time," he conceded.

"Derek, I don't know what kind of shit went down in DC because she wouldn't tell me. I had to make a wild guess to figure out she's in a funk now because of you. I warned her, Derek. I warned her to be careful with you. But you weren't careful with her."

"What happened in DC is between the two of us," he answered. "But you're right, I wasn't careful. I jumped in too fast. But see, I'm trying to make things right now."

"Derek."

"Please, Amy," he said quietly.

Amelia stared at him for a long moment before she sighed. "Please don't make me regret this," she said to him as she opened the door to let Derek in.

Inside, Derek marveled at Addison's home. It looked nothing like the brownstone ever did. Not even the Hamptons. It was light and spacious and airy, with the most gorgeous view of the beach just outside her backyard. It was paradise. And it was far removed from the life she used to share with Derek. He wasn't sure how he felt about that, thinking he was a little out of place in her personal space.

Amelia took his bag and set it next to the downstairs closet. He toed off his shoes, eyes still looking around the space and trying to acquaint himself. If Addison ever saw the trailer, he had no doubt she would feel just as out of place as he did in that moment. Perhaps that was one thing they had in common after the divorce—choosing a dwelling space so vastly different from the one they shared together to help ease the pain.

"She's out there on the deck," Amelia said, breaking his thoughts. "She's been in and out of sleep since this morning."

He looked at her. Amelia had changed. She was more mature somehow. But there were still traces of the impish little girl he loved so dearly. Right now though, she was definitely very mad at him for upsetting her favorite sister.

"Thanks," he croaked. "Let me just… get her a glass of water or something."

"She has a bottle of water," she informed him.

He shook his head. "It needs to be warm water with a bit of lemon. That seemed to always help."

Wordlessly and a little awkwardly, he walked to the kitchen and heated up some water in the microwave, helping himself to a lemon from the fridge and slicing it before dunking the slivers in the warm water. From the kitchen, he could see the deck more clearly. He could see the deck chairs, and a body wrapped in a cozy blanket on one of them.

He sighed then. This wasn't how anyone was supposed to spend Christmas.

Amelia cleared her throat. "I'll be upstairs if you need me," she said. "I'll give you guys some privacy. But Derek, I swear to god—"

"I know, I know," he placated. "I promise I'm here to help."

Amelia sighed. "I'm not sure our definition of help is quite the same," she mumbled, but she fixed him a stern glare before making her way up the stairs.

Derek stayed rooted in his spot for a second longer, watching Addison from his vantage point in the kitchen. He could tell she was awake, but he couldn't see her face. Realizing it was now or never, he picked up the mug of water and slowly opened the sliding doors to the deck.

"Amy?" she called out, her voice hoarse, not bothering to turn her head.

"It's not Amy," he said, taking short steps until he was right beside her.

"Derek?" she asked, confusion apparent in her tone as she looked up at him. She was squinting, no doubt from the headache, and he could tell she was trying to figure out if he was real or just a figment of her imagination.

"I'm here," he said gently, his voice quiet as he took a seat on the deck chair next to hers, setting the warm water on the table between them.

"What are you doing here?"

"I'm here for you," he said simply. He surveyed her then. Her hair was indeed a mess, and there were bags under her eyes. She looked like hell itself had run over her. She was clad in a Yale sweatshirt and wrapped with a big warm blanket draped over her shoulders. Even in this state, he still thought she looked beautiful.

"Derek, what," she managed as she tried to sit up straighter. Derek's hand was on her shoulder immediately, preventing her from making any sudden movements.

"Just relax, Addie," he instructed as he picked up the mug of water. "Here," he offered.

She looked between the mug and Derek's earnest face suspiciously before reaching out to take the water he offered.

"Thanks," she muttered, taking a sip and then drawing her knees to her chest. "I can't catch a break, can I?" she snorted.

"What?"

"Your face shows up in my head, your voice is in my ear, and now you're here in LA looking like you just crossed an ocean for me. Really, you're everywhere. And I could really use a moment or two without you."

He winced, rubbing the back of his neck apologetically. "I'm sorry, Addie."

"No you're not," she countered, suddenly wondering the merits of getting rid of her hangover with another glass of wine for good measure.

"Addie, I am," he insisted.

Addison sighed, collapsing into the back rest and looking heavenward. "Pray tell, Derek, what exactly are you sorry for? Because if you're here to apologize about the kiss and telling me you loved me, only to take it back and say you regret it, then you really didn't need to fly all the way out here. A personal appearance wasn't necessary."

Derek sighed. "I'm not here to tell you that I regret kissing you. Or that I regret telling you I love you," he said, watching as Addison took a sip of the warm lemon water.

"Hm," she hummed thoughtfully. "Let me guess. You don't regret it, but you regret to inform me that that is unfortunately the extent of it and I have to go back to pretending you don't exist."

"Addie…"

"I put you in a tiny box after the divorce," she told him impatiently, bluntly, still open and unfiltered as the after effects of her last alcohol binge. "I made you petty and inconsequential and nothing special so that you could fit into this tiny little box that would help me get out of bed in the morning," she explained to him. "But you have successfully freed yourself from that box which I very carefully maneuvered so I would never have to see it again. You are now once again larger than life, bigger than my tiny, tiny box could contain. And I don't think I can survive another rejection from my ex-husband."

He looked at her pitifully, realizing not for the first time just how much Addison had gone through to pick her life back up. He had taken the rings off, signed the divorce papers immediately, and moved on so quickly with Meredith. But for Addison, it was an agonizing process, one he realized was still ongoing.

"Addie, I know you're upset," he replied carefully, ignoring how she snorted at that. "But if you're willing to listen, there are some things I would like to say to you."

Addison cast him a wary look before she waved a hand at him. "Floor's yours, Dr. Shepherd," she said sarcastically, eyes now fixed on the beach ahead of her.

Derek nodded, following where Addison was looking, noting the bright afternoon sun that was probably too bright for someone who had a hangover.

"I guess I should start by apologizing," he said finally. "There's a lot to be sorry for. I'm sorry for upsetting you in DC, for blurting it all out and kissing you and expecting you to reciprocate so quickly. I'm sorry for how I treated you when the trial started—I know I was a horrible jackass to you and you didn't deserve that."

Addison only nodded wordlessly, hands still enclosing the mug of warm water.

"But I guess I'm most sorry for what happened to our marriage." Addison moved to interrupt, but he held his hand up to stop her. "Just… let me finish will you, and then you can have your turn."

Wordlessly, she nodded, gesturing for him to continue.

"I was absent and I was indifferent. I put my career ahead of you and the family we always wanted to build. I was so engrossed in being the best doctor I could be that I forgot that I was more than just a doctor. I was a husband, too. And a son and a brother and a friend. But I saw myself as one-dimensional, and it came at a high price. Sure, I achieved success and became a leading neurosurgeon in no time. But that came at the expense of my relationship with my wife and with family."

Gingerly, he reached across and laid a hand on Addison's knee. "I took you for granted. I always thought, when things settled, you would still be there. I didn't realize I was making you so unhappy. I felt like there was so much ground to cover so I could give you all the things you deserved, not realizing that you only wanted one thing—your husband. Present. Sharing everyday moments with you. Sharing a life with you. I guess I always thought you'd be there to support me, and I know you tried your best to. But in the end, I was asking too much of you, more than you should be giving me." He licked his lips. "You gave and gave and I just took and took, and before anyone of us realized it, you were alone in our marriage when you shouldn't have been."

Addison sighed tiredly. "Derek, that was 5 years ago. It doesn't matter anymore."

"You keep saying that, but it still matters, Addie," he replied with surety.

"Well, it shouldn't," she answered firmly, feeling her head begin to throb yet again. "It's water under the bridge."

"It isn't. At least not to me."

"Derek. I've always wanted you to be happy. At that time, work was the most important thing to you, and for a while I was happy to take a step back and play the supportive wife."

"But you got tired," he continued miserably.

Addison sighed again. "I started realizing my worth," she pointed. "And I was worth more than missed dinner dates, hurried perfunctory kisses in the hallway, and cold beds at night."

"You deserved more," he agreed softly.

"I did," she confirmed, still not look at him. "At least until I slept with Mark. After that, I deserved nothing."

Derek shook his head, squeezing her knee. "Mark was just the tip of the iceberg. Mark was one mistake. It shouldn't have clouded my vision enough to overlook everything you and I meant to each other. I shouldn't have walked away."

Addison shrugged, not convinced there was truly much in terms of a future between herself and Derek. "Like I said, it's water under the bridge now," she rebuffed without emotion.

Derek sighed, gazing at Addison's profile and seeing clearly how much Addison had changed, how profoundly she had been affected by everything that happened between them. Gently, he squeezed her knee with the hand that was still resting on it.

"I understand how deeply we've hurt each other," Derek said slowly. "And that fixing things will take time. I want you to know that I'm in… for however long it takes."

"What about Meredith?" she asked without looking at him, voice still distant.

"Meredith is… out of the picture," he tried to assure her. At her skeptical glance, he amended. "Look, I know you don't trust me. There's absolutely no reason for you trust me at this point. But here's what I know. Meredith and I… what we had… it was real. But it was nothing like what we had, and she knew that too. I told her about the kiss. I told her everything. And she maturely stepped aside so we could start fresh."

Addison remained still, not giving any indication that she was going to react to what he had just said. So he continued.

"I know building trust will take time. That said, take the time, Addison. Take all the time you need. I'm right here, I'll be waiting whenever you're ready."

"I don't know what you're trying to say," she sighed wearily.

"I'm saying I want to be with you," he asserted with certainty. "I've thought about it long and hard over the past few weeks Addie. I have never been so sure in my life. I've turned this situation around over and over in my head and I would always just come back to the same conclusions. That more than owing it to you, more than fulfilling an obligation, I really and truly want to be with you. True and honest and without pretense."

She couldn't meet his eyes. There were so many thoughts running through her head that it was hard to make sense of them with Derek just an arm's length from her. Instead, she nodded wordlessly, breathing hard and avoiding his pleading gaze. There was no space to think with him here. No space to breathe—even less than in the past few weeks. Just trying to comprehend what Derek was saying was making her head ache more than it already was from her hangover. There was no point trying to figure out what he was trying to say and how she felt about them right now. It was just too much.

When she said nothing for long agonizing moments, Derek figured she needed some space to think. The clench of her jaw was a sure sign she was trying to rein in her emotions. Pushing her today would only make things worse.

Reluctantly, he stood up and planted a short kiss on the top of her head, lingering just a little to murmur "Merry Christmas, Addison."

A lone tear fell from Addison's eye as she nodded. "Merry Christmas, Derek," she sighed quietly before she felt him pull back and walk back into the house. She only curled in tighter.

That evening, Amelia had the good sense of ordering some Chinese take-out so they could at least have a semblance of a feast for Christmas day. Addison barely spoke, and Derek kept on sneaking curious glances at Addison as she played around with the food on her plate. More than once, Amelia had sent Derek a death glare before filling the awkward silence with chatter about her patients. It wasn't the Christmas anyone expected, but it was enough for now.

….

When Sam caught wind that Derek was in town, he immediately offered his guest bedroom next door. He figured it wouldn't be the brightest idea for Derek to be all up in Addison's personal space while she was obviously going through something very emotional. So Derek gratefully lugged his suitcase next door and made himself at home in Sam's beach house. Sam and Amelia reported to the practice, but Addison stayed behind and Derek figured he could keep an eye out for her.

She wasn't drinking anymore, which was a good sign. But she was withdrawn and quiet and far from the spunky Addison he knew and loved. He felt a surge of guilt at the knowledge that he had caused all of that, but tried his best to temper things by being helpful when he could, and staying out of her way when the need arose. Addison needed time to think, and he was willing to give her time.

Except. He had a contract in Seattle, and Richard was only extending him the professional courtesy of an extended holiday because they were old friends. He wasn't sure how long it would take before Richard demanded that he return to Seattle.

One morning between Christmas and New Year, Addison woke up to the smell of the coffee pot brewing from the kitchen. She grabbed her robe and curiously made her way downstairs, to find Derek pulling out bagels from a brown paper bag.

"You're still here," she commented dryly.

Derek glanced up and gave her a wide smile. "Good morning, Addie."

"Don't you have a job?" she asked suspiciously as she tightened the robe around her and made her way to the kitchen.

Derek shrugged, pulling a coffee mug from the cabinet Amelia had pointed to him earlier that day and pouring Addison some coffee. "So do you," he replied, "but I don't see you going to the practice," he pointed as he pushed the coffee mug towards Addison.

Addison's eyes narrowed. "This is my house."

"This is your house," he confirmed with a smirk.

"You're in my kitchen," she continued.

"Amelia took pity on me and let me in," he explained, taking a salmon and cream cheese bagel and setting it in front of Addison. "It was freezing on the deck this morning when I came in to check on you."

Addison rolled her eyes, but took the mug anyway, inhaling the scent of freshly brewed coffee.

"They're small lot beans from Ethiopia," Derek offered. "Thought you might like the medium roast."

Addison took a small sip of the coffee and nodded approvingly. "Let me guess. Gesha village?"

"How'd you know that?" Derek asked, genuinely impressed.

She gave him a half shrug. "You drink enough coffee in your life that you actually start caring about it," she said by way of explanation. At Derek's disbelieving expression, she sighed. "I dated a coffee connoisseur for a while," she admitted. "I learned a lot."

Derek hummed thoughtfully, unwrapping his own bagel.

"Besides," she continued. "You're pretty predictable." At Derek's confused look, she continued. "I know where you bought these beans. They're from the specialty coffee shop just off the freeway. You googled it."

Derek flushed mildly and gave Addison a meek smile. "I just wanted to do something thoughtful."

Addison sighed. "Derek…"

"Just let me do this Addie," he insisted.

"What are you even doing, Derek? You sit around on the deck all day, wait for someone to let you in like a lost puppy, make coffee, make dinner, buy breakfast," she rattled. "You have a life in Seattle, Derek. You have a job. What exactly is your plan here?"

"The general objective was to show you I was willing to wait," he answered sheepishly. "But the action plan might need a little more fine tuning."

Addison rolled her eyes but said nothing.

"Is it working at least?" he asked in a small voice.

"It's not," she answered bluntly. "Your constant presence is just annoying me."

Derek tried to take in stride and nodded. "Well… can you maybe throw me a stick here and tell me how you want me to go about this?" he asked.

"What makes you think I'm willing to throw you a stick?" she asked, brow raised in challenge. "I told you there would be no way for this to work. You're the one who wouldn't listen."

Derek sighed. "Do you really not want me here?"

She huffed. "No. Yes. No. I don't know!" she exclaimed. "I don't know, Derek. And it's harder to think about what I really want when you're constantly here."

Derek nodded, staring at his bagel and feeling his appetite dwindle. He knew it wasn't going to be easy to earn Addison's trust back, and he was a fool to think a week would cut it. But she was right—there was real life to be dealt with. He had a job in Seattle. Addison had a life in LA. If he wanted to prove to her this was going to be worth it, he was going to have to think things through a little more.

"I'm sorry," he managed.

"Don't do that," she said angrily.

"Do what?" he asked, confused.

"Don't make that face," she accused. "That pitiful, puppy dog eyes face. Don't give me that look. It's not going to work. Maybe it worked on Meredith Grey, but it's not going to work on me."

Derek's mouth fell agape, but he quickly schooled his face in an attempt not to aggravate the situation. "I'm sorry," he said again.

"And stop saying you're sorry," she warned disapprovingly. "You've been saying it so much these days that it's beginning to lose its meaning."

He resisted the urge to apologize again, instead nodding in concession. There was tense silence between them, neither one of them willing to speak. Addison was radiating frustration, and Derek chose to just absorb it.

Finally, Addison sighed. "Look. Thank you—for the gesture. For the breakfast and the coffee and the effort and whatever. But I just… need to think, and I can't do that when you're always there. If you really want me to consider this—us—a relationship," she blubbered, "then give me some space to think. Because if you don't, my answer stands—it's a pass for me."

Derek nodded slowly.

"Rent a car, would you?" she suggested exasperatedly. "Go sightseeing. Drive around Hollywood. Go to a theme park. Just—be anywhere but here for a few days okay? I just need a bit of time without you breathing down my neck."

Derek sighed and then nodded in agreement. "Addison I'm so—"

"Do not finish that sentence," she warned with a raised finger.

He swallowed. "Fine. Addison," he tried again. "I'll give you space. I'll rent a car, maybe go to Universal Studios. When you're ready to talk, I'm right next door," he said.

He quickly wrapped up his bagel and downed his coffee before walking around the counter to give Addison a kiss on the forehead, and then went out through the backdoor, back to Sam's place. He should have known hovering was a bad idea.

...

Addison didn't know what to make of Derek Shepherd's constant presence in her personal space. If he wasn't hanging out with Sam on his deck, he was hanging out with Amelia on her deck (which wasn't technically a bad thing because brother and sister definitely had a lot to talk about). Other times he's making dinner (chicken parm, like he used to make in New York), making her coffee, buying her breakfast, and being so goddamn charming, it was infuriating. She had no doubt that if she hadn't excused herself from the practice for a bit, he would be there too. Probably making friends with Dell or Cooper, or swapping ideas about the brain with Violet. He was everywhere, and there was absolutely no corner in which she could turn to that he wasn't perpetually present. Even in her head he was always there.

She just needed a few days of peace and quiet—out of sight, out of mind kind of thing. She just needed him to lay off for a bit so she could figure out just how worth it it was to put her heart on the line for Derek again. Because truthfully speaking, it didn't sound very appealing. Derek seemed sincere enough (and maybe guilty enough) about trying, but something in her made her hold back. She wasn't going to so easily fall for Derek's charm and thoughtfulness. They had a string of backstories, bad memories, unimaginable history that Addison knew there was more to Derek than charm.

She knew him at his best, and also knew him at his worst. While he could be the most compassionate, dedicated doctor and the most attentive and loving husband, he could also be cold, indifferent, petty, competitive to a fault, oblivious, spiteful and unforgiving. Derek had a whole truck of bad qualities Addison wasn't blind to, and she just wasn't sure if it was worth diving into that truck at all.

But if he wanted to be, Derek could be the most amazing person on the planet. Larger than life, she had once described. The entire ocean. The skies and the stars combined. He could be sweet, affectionate, kind and helpful and unbelievably generous. Many times, his understanding knew no bounds even though his patience sometimes ran out. But he was always apologetic, and willing to make amends when need be.

Unfortunately, the good and the bad couldn't be separated. It was a packaged deal with Derek. That means while he could have moments of blissful affection, Addison would also have to deal with impatience and indifference. She knew no person was perfect, and accepting someone as a whole meant finding a balance between the good and the bad. But Derek had hurt her, and she had hurt him, and she was pretty sure it would be some form of masochism to set aside their history and pretend to move on.

There was no way Derek could have gotten over everything in a span of a few months. Within the last half year, he found out Addison had stayed with Mark, had a relationship with him, got pregnant, and aborted an innocent baby. There was absolutely no way all of that was okay with Derek. Addison found it hard to fathom that he could still want her despite all of that. Was she underestimating the good in him? Or was she overestimating the bad?

She wanted so badly to believe Derek, to fall into his arms and ride off into the sunset. But their past had taught her that she had to guard her heart. She had already been hurt by Derek once, and it had destroyed her, taken her years to get over. She wasn't about to go for a second round if she could help it. She didn't think she would survive a second figurative beating from him. She loved him so immensely, so profoundly, that if she gingerly allowed herself to give in to him, she would be destroyed within minutes if he decided he had changed his mind.

And that was where the problem lied. She didn't trust him not to hurt her. She didn't trust that they wouldn't fall back into the same patterns. As far as she knew, Derek had changed, but not in the ways she hoped he would. He was an entirely different person in Seattle, and there was question about whether or not that was the Derek she loved.

But in DC, he had shown facets of his old self that she used to love without question or cause. He was the same Derek in so many ways, and yet, not quite so too. While he still liked his coffee the same way, Addison noticed he didn't style his hair the same way. He smelled different too. And suddenly ate the pineapples in pizza when he used to absolutely dislike them back in New York. Those were small changes, but Addison was certain deep down there were bigger differences, brought about by the scars she had inflicted but had now apparently healed.

She loved him, and there was no doubt in her mind she could love any version of him. But what was love without trust? What use was unconditional adoration if she could not trust him to hold her heart and not break it?

….

The day before New Year's, Addison found the energy to go into the practice to catch up on some paperwork. Derek had mercifully made himself scarce, and she reveled in the peace to think about things other than her very complicated relationship with her ex-husband.

As she sat at her desk and perused her papers, a short knock interrupted her. When she looked up at the door, Naomi was leaning on the door frame, sending Addison a sympathetic smile.

"What?" Addison questioned suspiciously.

"It's nice to see you too," Naomi replied, rolling her eyes as she closed the door behind her. "Haven't seen you all month and I don't even get a good morning?"

"Sorry," Addison muttered, standing up to greet Naomi with a half hug before taking a seat again. "Did Maya like the gift I sent?" she asked absently, pulling out a picture of a sonogram from her patient's file.

"Oh yeah. She loved it, thank you. Although you didn't really need to get her an iPod," Naomi replied. "It's too much."

"It's not too much," Addison waved dismissively. "I'm glad she liked it."

Naomi nodded, taking one glance at Addison and knowing almost immediately she was very affected by her ex-husband being in town.

"So…" Naomi started. "I picked Maya up at Sam's house the other day, and I was invited to have dinner by none other than your ex-husband," she said casually.

Addison briefly looked up from her papers before shifting her eyes back down. "So you had dinner with your ex-husband and my ex-husband. How fascinating."

"You didn't mention he was in town," she replied proddingly.

Addison shrugged. "I just needed some space from him."

Naomi cast her a sympathetic look. "Yeah, Sam told me everything."

"I'm sure that was Derek's version of it," Addison replied flippantly.

"Yeah, because I haven't heard your version if it," Naomi said. When Addison didn't respond, she sighed. "Addison, are you ok?"

"I'm fine," she answered. "Really, I'm fine. There's just been a lot of thinking—"

"And a lot of drinking, I've heard," Naomi supplied dryly.

"Yes, a lot of that too," she agreed without missing a beat, "but honestly, it's fine. I'm fine."

"I'm fine is exactly what people say when they aren't fine," Naomi said as she rolled her eyes.

Addison glanced at her pointedly. "I'm fine," she repeated.

"Addison, this is me you're talking to. There's no pretense here." When Addison pointedly ignored her by taking another patient's chart and making a show of opening it, Naomi sighed. "Derek told me he's here because he hopes you'll take him back."

"He can keep hoping for all I care," was Addison reply, eyes scanning over a patient's OR technique but not really understanding any of what was on it. "I'm not taking him back," she continued resolutely.

Naomi raised a skeptical brow at her. "Sure."

"What?" Addison asked, annoyed.

Naomi shrugged. "You're so worked up because clearly Derek doesn't have a chance with you. I'm totally buying that."

"Nae."

"You know as well as I do that exes are never done with each other. Especially ones that are named Sam and Naomi. And most especially ones named Addison and Derek."

Addison snorted. "It's been four years and I've been a perfectly good girl. Of course exes can be done with each other."

"Not the two of you," Naomi disagreed.

"I'm not sure what about the past four years have indicated that Derek and I are not done," Addison said. "We signed divorce papers, we had zero contact, he was fake married to his girlfriend—we have been absolutely done for the past four years. I'm not sure why he thinks it's a great idea to rekindle whatever we had, but at least I'm thinking straight enough to know it will only end in a train wreck."

Naomi sighed. Over the past couple of months, she had hoped Addison would be spared from getting hurt by Derek. She had seen first hand how much the redhead struggled to pick up the pieces after New York and the divorce and Mark. She'd been worried that spending so much time together in DC would bring them closer together—and it did. It brought them to the point where Derek is convinced his future was with Addison.

At first, she knew beyond doubt it was a terrible idea. But after talking to Derek, having dinner with him, catching up with him, Naomi knew he was being sincere. But sincerity was just one thing. There were a billion other things that had to be considered, not the least of which was Addison's willingness to take the risk with Derek again.

"I'm not here to tell you what to do," Naomi finally said. "I guess when it comes to Derek, there's just way too much to think about."

"Derek is complicated," Addison sighed, looking up at Naomi.

Naomi shrugged. "Every man you will choose to love will have its set of risks. Some risks are more apparent than others, as is the case with Derek. But some risks are more subtle, like how dating that hot cop actually meant you could be a widow at the age of 45, or how dating a harmless looking doctor in the practice could mean friction in the workplace when things aren't smooth sailing. You just have to figure out what risks are worth taking."

"I don't know if Derek is a risk worth taking," she answered truthfully.

Naomi nodded. "That's totally understandable. And if he's serious about you, he'll respect the time that you need to think things through until you're sure." She paused, and then, "But just between the two of us, can you really imagine a future without Derek in it?"

"I didn't have to imagine it Nae," Addison responded dryly. "I had to live it."

Naomi grimaced. "Well. And weren't the last four years miserable?"

"They weren't miserable," Addison replied, leaning heavily on the last word. "I made good memories and had fun and learned to be Addison without Derek the last four years, so I can't say they've been miserable."

"But they've been incomplete, haven't they?"

"I'm offended you think I need a man to complete me, least of all Derek Shepherd. And besides, I thought you were on my side? I thought you didn't want me to fool around with him?"

"I am on your side," Naomi replied defensively. "But being on your side means helping you realize what you really want. Whether that's being with Derek or not, I'm here to help you discern the option that will make you the happiest."

"What if I just love him because we had so much history?" Addison asked helplessly. "And what if he loves me only for the very same reasons?"

"Honey, it's not," she reassured. "Part of your history is the lying and cheating and ignoring. If it was just about the history, I don't think you'd still love him. I think you love him despite the history, and that's a stronger foundation to build a relationship on."

"It's too fast. And it's too soon. He only broke up with Meredith, what, two weeks ago?"

"Maybe if you've wasted so much time with the wrong person, you don't want to waste any more time at all," Naomi shrugged. "But like I said, if he's serious, he'll wait. So… you know… take your time. Drink your green juice, lay off the wine bottle for a sec, and just be, okay? You're far too stressed out, it's making your wrinkles show."

Addison's hand immediately flew to her face, self-conscious. "Really?"

"No, you look impeccable, I don't know how you do it," Naomi replied, rolling her eyes. "But I'm serious about the drinking. No more drinks, and no more moping. Okay?"

"Okay."

"Good girl," she smiled. "Anyway. Sam's throwing a New Year's Eve party at his house. No sense attending anyone else's party but your neighbor's so…"

Addison sighed. She wasn't feeling very festive recently, but she nodded at the invitation. "I'll be there."

"Good," she smiled again before standing up to leave Addison to her thoughts.

….

"I don't know why you had to drag me out here," Amelia said sourly as she exited the car. Derek had drove them all the way down to Redondo Beach, and Amelia wasn't pleased. "There's a beach right in your backyard, and a pier close by. Why did it have to be Redondo Beach?"

Derek shrugged as he locked the car. "Just thought it might be nice to have a change of scenery."

"LA is already a huge change for you," she retorted, walking right next to Derek as they made their way to the pier from the parking lot.

"It is," he agreed.

"And talking to me is also a very, very huge change for you," she continued dryly. "We've spent more time in the past few days than we have in the last 10 years combined."

Derek shrugged, not saying anything as he stuffed his hands in his pockets. It was windier than he expected, and his hair was flying off in all directions. But for once he didn't really mind.

They continued to walk in silence until they got to the pier, walking past the vendors and the food stalls before settling on a bench right in front of the water. Amelia sat next to Derek, her hands also deep in her pockets as the wind chill affronted her.

"Addison told me you worked with Geraldine Ginsberg," he began.

Amelia nodded. "I did, for a while. But she kicked me off the program."

"Why?"

She frowned. "We didn't agree on patient management," she replied simply. "But it's fine. St. Ambrose is a good hospital and the practice isn't too bad. I still get to cut."

Derek nodded imperceptibly. It was a little awkward being with Amelia without a 3rd person acting as a buffer. Sometimes it was Addison, other times it was Sam. The past few days, he rarely had to spend time with just her. He wondered when being with Amy became uncomfortable. Perhaps the guilt of abandoning her when she really needed someone somehow played into it. But he couldn't dwell on that right now.

"Have you been back east recently?" he asked casually.

"Not any more than you have, thank you very much," she replied. "Kathleen's psychoanalyzing creeps me out, and Nancy never lets off. I quite like my peace."

"You've done a lot of growing up," he commented sincerely. "I'm sorry I wasn't there to watch you achieve all that you did, and to support you."

Amelia bit her lip and then shook her. She could say it was fine, because she had Addison through most of it. But it wasn't fine. Her entire family, including her own mother, had practically disowned her when she got into drugs. It was difficult to pick herself up from rock bottom.

When she didn't say anything, Derek sighed. "Amelia, what you've managed to do despite the circumstances is amazing. I want you to know that I'm really proud of you."

"Pride is one thing," she snorted. "Damn right you should be proud of me. I did it all without any help from any of you," she continued vehemently. "But will you ever look past the fact that I was high on heroine or that I snorted cocaine? That I needed to go to rehab? That I relapsed? You can't be proud of me but not accept everything that went with it."

"Amelia…"

She shook her head. "You like to compartmentalize things," she told him seriously. "Everything is binary to you. Black or white. Good or bad. But there are in betweens you need to take notice of too. It happened with me, when all you could see was me going to Christmas dinner high as a kite. After that, I was all bad to you. Nothing could get you to see that I was still your sister," she said, hurt evident in her voice. "But never mind me, because to be honest, it made me resilient and it made me work harder than I ever did in my life. Not just to prove to you, to all of you, that I could be something. But to prove it to myself too. That I wasn't all bad."

"I'm sorry, Amy," he replied, sorry he had made her believe she was all bad. That there was nothing good in her after all of that. He could only imagine how much damage that caused her. Amelia echoed what Nancy had said when he arrived at her home—that he saw things in black and white. He didn't realize he did until it was pointed out to him.

"I did it. I picked myself up, got through medical school, and became a surgeon. Even when you still saw me as bad. I did it, I survived. Partly because Addie was there for me and she believed in me and she pushed me. But then you did the exact same thing to her. She cheated, which is horrible and I agree you had every right to be hurt, but you didn't bother looking at the in betweens. Suddenly she was all bad, too. Nothing about her was good anymore. You put an entire country between the two of you and signed the divorce papers after one mistake. Addison is just as resilient, just as strong, if not so much stronger than I am. But for some reason getting back up after that took so much of her."

Derek nodded, taking in everything Amelia was saying. He didn't listen before, but he was listening now. He was learning, at least.

"You need to forgive, Derek," she continued, a little softer now. "You need to forgive me for my past. And you need to forgive Addison, too."

"I've forgiven her," he declared with certainty.

"Have you really?" she asked skeptically.

Slowly, he nodded. "I have. We've talked. I've listened to the in-betweens, as you put it. And I realized my mistakes," he said. Then he turned to look at her, giving her a small, sincere smile. "Now I'm here to listen to your in-betweens."

Amelia met Derek's eyes, hers brimming with unshed tears at Derek's words.

"Yeah? You ready for that?" she asked shakily.

He put his arm around her then. "Ready for Hurricane Amelia," he replied, squeezing her a little tighter.

….

The party at Sam's house was in full swing. There was 80s music playing in the background, food on the buffet table, and lots of alcohol. Everyone from the practice were in attendance, each making small talk in different corners of Sam's house.

Addison found herself with a vodka coke Violet had mixed earlier, sitting on Sam's deck and looking at the water. It was only an hour to midnight, and she couldn't wait to get the countdown over with so she could go home and hide under the blankets. She didn't need a reminder that she had no one to kiss at midnight because she was all alone—although, come to think of it, not a lot of the guests had anyone to kiss at midnight anyway. Sam and Naomi might. Cooper and Charlotte definitely would. But Violet and Pete? Probably not. Sheldon? No one. Amelia? No one. And Derek? Most definitely no one.

Beside her, Amelia sat drinking a glass of coke. She was doing very well, avoiding temptations, and Addison was proud of her. Even for a New Year's party, she was staying wonderfully sober. She wished she had Amelia's self-control, because this was already her 3rd mixed drink and she wasn't feeling any buzz. At all. Not yet, anyway.

Behind her, she heard the sliding door open, and footsteps on the wooden deck floor. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Amelia turn her head to check on who had come out, and then she stood up and left Addison. She had to suppress a sigh. That only meant one thing.

"Hey," Derek said casually, taking the seat Amelia had vacated.

"Hey," she answered flatly, not bothering to look at him.

"I rented a car and drove around, like you suggested," he conversed casually. "I see the appeal."

Addison raised a brow in question.

"Of LA," he amended. "You used to always bring it up in DC, how LA was better. And I guess after seeing some of it the past few days, I understand why you love it."

Addison only hummed in reply. LA was a great city. She didn't think she'd fall absolutely in love with it after being a New Yorker for so long, but she would admit to it being a tough rival to her beloved Big Apple.

"I like it here," Derek continued carefully, eyes watching Addison like a hawk.

She sighed. "Derek… not this again."

"Not what again?" he asked innocently.

"Can't we just have a night, a conversation, that won't inevitably lead to the topic of us? Because you liking LA is already foreboding. I know what comes after that thought."

"I didn't say anything," he said defensively, but he knew Addison was right.

"You didn't have to," she replied pointedly, giving Derek a knowing look.

"A truce then," he offered.

She sighed and nodded, eyes back on the water. There were long moments of silence between them, the sound the waves crashing on the shore in the background, mixed with the sound of 80s music blasting from Sam's speakers. Faintly, Addison could hear her co-workers laughing, probably playing a game. But she wasn't feeling especially sociable at the moment.

"Do you think things would have been different if you'd stayed?" she asked him wistfully. She was well aware she had just said she didn't want to talk about them, but that was a question that had been on her mind more than a few times since the divorce.

Derek cast her a look of surprise before he bit his lip and contemplated his answer. The truth was that he wasn't sure. Given the intensity of his hurt feelings at that time, it was unlikely he would think anything would justify Addison's actions. But he liked to think that, if he had just listened, he would have stayed. How staying would have played out though, he wasn't entirely certain.

"Because I keep thinking about it," she continued, "and I wonder if we'd still be together now." She paused, exhaling heavily. "When I married you, I always thought all my Christmases and New Years would be spent with you. I didn't think I'd have to be stuck in a party, celebrating with my workmates of all people. It's just… a really sucky life right now."

"I don't know," he said honestly. "If I'd stayed long enough to listen, things would probably be vastly different. I don't know if we'd still be together now, but I'd like to think we would have tried. And if we ended, we would have ended on better terms."

Addison gave a short nod. "Do you ever wish you'd stayed?" she asked quietly.

"These days? More than you know," he answered just as softly, the honesty so easy to read in his tone.

"Me too," she replied, turning her head to look at Derek and giving him a half smile.

"I know things didn't have to end up this way," he said carefully. "Not giving you a chance to explain, not staying to listen? That's my biggest regret."

"There's no room for regrets, Derek," she answered. "There's just no point."

"But you're sitting here wondering what might have been," he pointed. "Honestly, while I know there are a lot of things to make for from the past, more than anything, I'd like to have a future with you. If you'll let me."

"I don't know if I can trust you, Derek," she told him honestly. "That night in DC, you told me to tell you straight to your face that I didn't love you. But I couldn't do it. You know I still love you."

"But you don't trust me."

She shook her head. "I gave you my heart once for you to safekeep. You broke it."

"You broke mine too," he said earnestly.

"I know," she sighed. "Which is why I wonder why you still want to try. I've broken your heart before."

"Not without being provoked," he answered. "You wouldn't have done that if I were a better husband to you."

"I should have been a better wife," she said contritely.

"You were the perfect wife, Addie," he reassured hastily. "I just didn't realize it then. I took you for granted."

"I think we took each other for granted. We should have known from the very beginning that we were… making habits out of sleeping in on-call rooms even if we weren't on call, taking on surgeries other doctors could have done. We didn't make it a habit to put the other first, and basically we set the tempo for how things would play out between us."

"We couldn't have known that though," he said. "When we were starting our careers, there was no way we would have known that we were setting norms. We were just being."

"I know. And look where that got us."

Derek nodded, exhaling slowly as he shifted his eyes from Addison and to the vast ocean before them. They were complicated, Addison and Derek. But things didn't have to be so complicated between the two of them if they could just hash things out and come to an agreement like adults. But just as Amelia had said, there were in-betweens that needed to be dealt with. It wasn't like they could just recontract their relationship, forget about the past and move on. There was still so much that had to be said, that had to be done—conversations to be had, actions to be shown, trust to be rebuilt. But he was certain, more than anything, that he was willing to put in the work, for Addison. Addison was the one.

They stayed with each other in silence, each lost in thought, until the countdown began. Inside, Addison's coworkers were yelling excitedly as midnight approached, tooting horns and giving out hugs in the way people who were happy and festive and bright and shiny did around these times. They used to be one of those people. But so much had changed.

10… 9… 8… Derek took a long inhale and kept his eyes on the water. There was no resolving anything tonight.

7… 6…5… Addison sighed, biting her lip before absently reaching out for Derek's hand, just needing to feel close to someone as the new year came.

4…3…2… Derek was surprised at Addison's warm touch, but he took her hand anyway and squeezed it.

…1

Inside, Sam's guests were cheering loudly and making rounds of hugs and kisses. Outside, on the deck, Addison and Derek looked into each other's eyes, neither making a move. There was a spell between them, magic that could only be from the magnetic force between them. But neither of them leaned in for a New Year's kiss.

With a sigh, Derek squeezed Addison's hand and then stood up, planting a firm kiss on the top of her head and lingering just a little.

"Happy New Year, Addie," he whispered as he inhaled the scent of her shampoo.

"Happy New Year, Derek," she replied quietly before she heard him walk back into the house. I love you, she wanted to say. But she didn't. Instead, she picked up her phone and her keys and quietly walked back to her side of the beach.

…..

On New Year's Day, Addison awoke early. She had gone straight to bed the night before and was up at 5:30am. She slept fitfully, unable to get the scent of Derek, the touch of Derek, the sound of Derek out of her mind.

Naomi had told her all relationships had risks. And the one with Derek was just the one that was glaringly obvious that it made her scared. Maybe that was it—she was scared. She was deathly frightened of getting hurt again, of giving her heart to the same man who broke it, to the same man who was the reason she could not have a normal relationship with any other guy after. The question was—was it a risk worth taking? Was Derek someone she was willing to get hurt over for again?

She wasn't deluding herself into thinking that things would automatically be perfect. They were still Addison and Derek after all. There would probably be a lot of fighting and a lot of resentment and a lot of pent up anger that had to be resolved. And more than she'd like to admit, there would also be tears and displays of weakness and a show and tell of cracks on her once perfect façade. Would they survive it? Or would it be the last and final blow to the Addison and Derek saga?

She had always wondered what it would be like if Derek had stayed. If she didn't sleep with Mark. If she didn't go to work that day and run into Steven. There were so many what ifs in her mind that all hoped she and Derek would have stayed together, and perhaps still be together to this day. She had spent a considerable amount of time the past four years trying to figure out what else she could have done to save their marriage. Should she not have offered divorce papers? Should she have stayed in Seattle to show him she was serious about making their relationship work? She wasn't sure. And those were what ifs she would never get the answer to.

And then it hit her. Would this chance with Derek be just another what-if on her list of what-ifs? Would she let this opportunity pass and be at peace with it? Or would she grab it, give her best, and try her damn hardest, so that from here on, there would be no more wondering what if? There were so many things she was still uncertain of, but she was sure she didn't want to add to the growing list of regrets she had. She might regret being hurt by Derek again, but what was it that people used to say about how it was better to have loved and lost?

She sighed. She wasn't sure.

She dragged herself out of bed and brushed her teeth before pulling out a thick sweater and socks. She also grabbed a thick blanket from the hallway closet. Quietly she made her way to the deck so she could watch as the sun cast its light on the ocean signaling a brand new day.

As she opened the door to the deck, she realized she wasn't alone. Derek was already there, a tumbler in one hand, sitting on one of her deck chairs and dressed up for the day. She knit her brows in confusion as she made her way outside.

"You're up early," she remarked.

He looked up as she neared him and gave her a half smile. "So are you," he said. "It's just… jet lag, I think."

Addison nodded understandingly. She stood awkwardly in front of Derek before she held up the blanket. "Want to share? It's freezing."

Derek stared at the blanket before he scooted to make room for Addison. As if by muscle memory, Addison slipped in between Derek's legs as Derek wrapped the blanket around the two of them, his arms encircling her. The tumbler was on Addison's lap, warm, and likely filled with coffee. She adjusted herself so she was comfortably leaning against Derek, and Derek's body heat warmed her through. She gave an involuntary content sigh.

Absently, Derek fiddled his fingers on Addison's forearms, running his hands back and forth to keep her warm. This felt right. Addison still felt the same way in his arms, a perfect fit just as it always had been. He'd forgotten what it felt like to hold her in this way, as even while they were married, they were rarely physically together towards the end. But now, with Addison snuggled comfortably against his chest, her hair tickling his nose, he knew this exactly where they both ought to be. In each other's arms.

But he didn't say that. It was too early to scare Addison. He would have to say something at some point as he was going back to Seattle soon. But now wasn't the right moment. Now, he just wanted to savor her presence.

"Do you think things would be different… if you stay?" Addison finally said, her voice quiet and shy as she mirrored her question from the night before.

"Stay? In LA?" he asked, feeling his heart quicken a little at her question.

She nodded tentatively. "Yeah, in LA."

He paused before exhaling slowly. "I think things would be very different if I stay in LA," he settled.

"How so?" she asked curiously.

"Well, for starters, it'd be easier to have moments like this with you," he answered as he kissed her temple. "And someone very wise told me there's always good food within driving distance, which I think will most definitely change my life."

Addison gave a short laugh at that before growing serious again. "Derek, I'm scared."

"I know you are," he said, holding her tighter. "And I think that's a good thing. It means there's a lot at stake. I'm scared, too—you are a lot to lose."

"But you're willing to take the risk?" she questioned.

"You're worth the risk," he murmured into her temple. "You're worth everything."

Addison nodded, eyes trained on the water. After a moment, she continued, her voice quiet but hopeful. "Promise you'll never walk out. That you'll always listen."

"I'll never walk away again," he assured her swiftly.

"Promise work will never take precedence over our relationship," she continued, breathing heavily.

Derek nodded, feeling his eyes sting with tears. Our relationship. "No more nights on call if I can help it. No surgeries more than is necessary," he guaranteed. "Birthdays and anniversaries and Christmas? Blocked off, only for you."

She nodded slowly. "Promise to communicate. Don't shut me out."

"I promise," he answered sincerely.

"Promise to be more intentional. Our relationship… we're not picking up where we left off. We're building from the ground. We can't fall into our old habits. We need to be more intentional about our lives."

"Our relationship is the most important thing in our lives. I won't ever lose sight of that again," he replied, his throat tight with emotion. He meant every word.

Addison nodded wordlessly, feeling a weight lift from her chest as she finally decided. Derek was worth it. Their relationship was worth it. He was worth the risk many lifetimes over.

"I love you," she told him, quiet but confident and heartbreakingly trusting.

He held her tighter. "I love you," he answered with the same confidence before he allowed himself to kiss her sweetly on the lips. Perhaps this new year would finally bring in the happiness they both deserved.

….

One winter later:

"The p-value is 0.007," Addison stated as she laid in bed with Derek, the laptop resting on her legs as she reviewed the data the statistician had given. Outside, the lights of the Santa Monica Pier were peeking through the window of Addison's LA home.

Derek laid next to her, an arm draped over her stomach and his head resting on his hand. "What does that mean?" he asked. At Addison's sidelong glance, he sighed. "You know I was never good at statistics."

"You have a subscription for way too many journals. Do you ever appraise the data you read?" she asked.

"I do. But it's nice to hear you explain things," he answered coyly as he peered into the laptop screen.

Addison rolled her eyes. "It means, pre-natal surgery improved mental and motor function more than post natal repair did," she replied. "Plus those in the pre-natal group needed less shunt placement than post-natal. Nearly half! 40 to 82%."

"That's amazing," Derek commented, feeling especially proud of the work they had done and the results that were finally pouring in from the trial's statisticians.

"It is," she replied as she typed out a paragraph for the final write-up of the trial. "This is groundbreaking."

He nodded, planting a kiss on her cheek. "My wife is an amazing surgeon."

She rolled her eyes again. "Not your wife," she replied, but her tone was amused.

"Not yet," he said before taking Addison's left hand and lightly kissing her finger. Under the light of their bedside lamp, his father's ring glistened beautifully on her finger. She never removed it since he put it on her finger a month ago, except to do surgery. "But you'll be Dr. Shepherd again soon. In no time."

"I don't know, maybe I should keep the Montgomery this time," she teased.

"I always loved you as a Shepherd," he said sincerely.

She smiled at him sweetly. "I loved being a Shepherd."

"Well, it's a good thing it's only a matter of months," he replied confidently before kissing her on the lips. "I love you Addie."

"Love you too," she said against his lips and lingered for a moment. "Okay, now let me get back to work. I'm too excited to be reading this data to concentrate on anything else."

Chuckling, he pulled back and watched her type out the discussion part of their paper, marveling at how quickly her mind thought, and how well she wrote. Addison had so much talent, and he was damn lucky to have such an intelligent, confident woman as a partner.

They married in the Spring, almost exactly a year since the wheels started turning. They had come full circle. It wasn't easy. There were many nights spent yelling and crying and rehashing the past. But it was worth it. They had rebuilt from scratch, stronger than before, and more in love than they were in their first 11 years. No one thought it was possible for them to leave other more, but they did. The new Drs. Shepherd were deeply rooted, beautifully bloomed, and still blooming, as the flowers around them were.

---

A/N: That's it for this fic! THANK YOU FOR READING! Take care!