Beards Most Fabulous

Harry hooted in delight as he finally escaped the stifling and utterly infuriating prison of Elftown. Much to his continued chagrin it did not come out much like he'd intended. Instead the sickeningly pure giggle of an Elfling rang through the lower halls like the clearest of bells. The barrel he'd decided to catch a lift on was swept downstream at a breakneck pace. In front him him the Dwarves were mostly hooting successfully, though a few looked about ready to lose their lunch.

Considering the bland veggie crap the Elves served at every meal he felt that they probably had the right idea.

The river flowed fast from the Elvish cave network and soon he finally came to see some sunlight. In all his time here it had either been obscured by the canopy of trees or the glittery caves of His Elvishness. Unfortunately it seemed as if the Dwarves hadn't quite thought their ruse through from start to finish in their desperation to escape the perfectly manicured grasp of the Elves.

There was a gate across the river. As they came around the bend he heard the Elves guarding it shout to him. "Estel!" they called, "Gil-Estel! Do not worry, for we shall not allow you to be swept away!"

One of them pulled a large lever nearby and a grate dropped across the river, barring their way.

"Fuck that," murmured Harry as a spell shot from his outstretched wand. It was a tough shot given the speed he was being swept along and how impressively unstable a barrel actually was as a boat. Of course he still made it. He might have blasted a couple of the Elves too but they probably weren't too badly hurt if their distant groans were any indication.

He also wasn't altogether bothered if they were hurt. In recent days some of the Elves had taken to trying to foist fucking stupid names on him as if he wasn't quite happy with Harry, thank you very much.

Gil-Estel was their most recent attempt. Star of Hope. Harry had been forced to reign in his considerable wrath when it had caught on. If the one who'd thought that name up had had an 'accident' and been forced to spend the last couple of days as a three-toed lizard, well, Harry wasn't going to complain.

They swept quickly through the new gap and Harry heard more cries go up behind. He spun in his barrel and saw that a large number of Elves, predictably led by Blondie and Tauriel were chasing after them. Had been chasing after them. Now they were locked in a running battle with some guys of impressive ugliness.

They looked rather like someone had taken the bastard offspring of goblins and trolls then roasted them over a fire for a while so that they looked extra crispy. Their skin actually looked burnt, cracked and blistered and everything. Poor guys.

There was one that was different, taller than the rest and extremely pale. He seemed to be the one giving the orders. Given that those orders appeared to involve shooting arrows at Harry he felt it was probably worth shutting him up. Harry assumed that was what the orders involved anyway, it was hard to tell, Harry couldn't understand their language at all.

Well, better safe than sorry. A purple light scythed from his wand and the now headless creature flapped pathetically to the ground, its limbs spasming wildly.

For a while the other creatures didn't notice and the makeshift flotilla continued down the river and out of sight. Out of sight of most. Two Elves continued to follow, but at least these ones had been trained to use his real name.

"Harry, stop, you must return!" called Blondie as he scampered along a tree branch that overhung the river. "The world beyond my father's Halls is too dangerous for one so young as you!"

Harry simply raised a single finger in the infuriating Elf's direction and shouted back, "Spin on it, Blondie!"

Tauriel simply laughed at his insult, he was constantly having to revise his opinion of her upwards.

Eventually the current slowed and the Dwarves paddled to shore while Harry simply Apparated from his barrel at the rear of their formation.

"I knew there was someone else with us!" declared the first Dwarf to see him. Describing them was proving difficult as most wore truly impressive beards, were running to portly and, to put it lightly, short-arses.

The one that spoke had a slightly shorter beard than the rest of them, but his most distinguishing feature was the unfortunate helmet hair he wore on his head. Also he sounded a few sickles short of a galleon, so he was now called Dopey.

"What is this," said the deep and commanding tones of the Dwarf that was probably in charge of the group. At least the way he pushed them aside to get a look at Harry suggested it. He also looked like his sense of humour had been surgically removed as his dour and angry looking eyes glared at the guy who had almost certainly stopped them from being either stopped by the elves or turned into pincushions by the Goblin-Trolls. "A child! How came you here, boy?"

Harry was unmoved by the pointless show of authority. "I wanted out, you wanted out, I figured I'd catch a ride and we'd both get what we wanted."

Giggles advanced on Harry and ranted in frustration, "This will not do, I will not have a child endangered so, even an Elf." He all but spat when he said Elf. Perhaps he was more intelligent than Harry had assumed.

Suddenly an arrow struck the ground between Harry and Thorin and a voice cried out, "You will not ha-aaargh-eek!"

Upon coming under attack Harry had immediately spun and fired off a spell. Blondie was extremely lucky Harry had enough time to realise who it was be was about to introduce to messy death and though he didn't stop his spell he did change it slightly. Instead of being consumed by a rabid pack of giant weasels he was simply turned into one. It was the best Harry could do in the heat of the moment.

Beside the panicked looking giant weasel stood Tauriel who rolled her eyes at Legolas' continued inability to keep himself safe from Harry-inflicted harm.

"Couldn't you have told him shooting at me was a bad idea?" Harry asked in exasperation.

She shrugged in that infuriatingly graceful and utterly sexy way of Elf women and said, "I was interested to see what fate would befall him. Beyond that, today has been the most excitement I have experienced in many weeks so I felt it was only fair to allow you a little stress relief."

"Isn't he supposed to be your Prince?" Harry asked as he returned Blondie to his usual self, though he did look rather more unkempt than usual for him as he reappeared kneeling on the ground on all fours.

"Here, just what in Mahal's name is going on," cut in a bass voice with a strong scottish burr. This voice had its source in a slightly less short Dwarf who was heavily tattooed and bald of head.

"Harry, it seems, was bored with life among his kin and decided to search for some excitement out in the world," said Tauriel with a knowing smile that Harry was pretty sure would have been outlawed back home.

"Well he can return there, the lair of a dragon is no place for a child!" said Giggles forcefully.

"Woah woah woah," said Harry, his little hands making adorable slow down gestures. "A dragon? I haven't fought one of those for years. Great idea, that's settled. You show me the dragon, I see some excitement, you get whatever it is you want. Everyone wins."

"What!" cried Blondie at the same moment as half of the Dwarves. One of whom Harry now idly noted had a fucking axe embedded in his skull. Tattooed bald guys, epic facial hair and fucking skull axes. Dwarves already had Elves beaten, hands down. Which was fortunate because they certainly couldn't raise them all that far.

"No, absolutely not," cried Blondie and Giggles had seemingly completely forgotten his hatred of Elvenkind as he nodded vigorously. "You, will be returning to the Halls with us." He gestured to Tauriel.

She took a single smooth step away from him, which he did not seem to notice as he continued. "In fact all of you will be returning, you Dwarves were not given leave to continue on your quest."

Giggles immediately stopped nodding and growled at the suddenly lonely Elf as Baldy and another Dwarf with no distinguishing marks save a gigantic fuzzball of ginger hair brandished tree branches threateningly. The rest also attempted to look menacing but failed rather dismally considering how short and bedraggled they all looked. Dopey appeared to be wielding a noisome looking stocking and wore a suitably uncertain expression.

Harry sighed and stooped to pick up a river stone as he muttered about idiots who didn't know when to quit. "Right, how about this. I give you this stone-" he tapped the stone with his wand "-and you pretend you knew nothing about any of this."

Blondie looked confused and began, "That is not-"

"Catch!" said Harry as he tossed the stone across.

Instinctually the Elf captured it in one hand and instantly disappeared as the Portkey activated and returned him to one of the many fountains the dotted his father's Halls.

He then turned to Tauriel who to her credit didn't seem altogether alarmed and said, "Well, now that he's dealt with, you want to come along?"

One of the Dwarves, this one with a sad neckbeard clinging to the underside of his face piped up, "Oh, yes! We'd welcome your- argh!" Another Dwarf with a litte more facial hair but who looked otherwise very similar stamped on his foot.

"Kíli has no say in who joins this company," Giggles ground out. "I will not have a beardless boy or an Elf endangering our mission!"

"Oh," said Harry with false sadness and the look of utter devastation on his cherubic face was soul crushing to behold, but in a moment it cleared and he turned to Tauriel. "Well, how do you feel like going to kill a dragon just the two of us? I bet we can beat the Seven Dwarves over here. There and back again before they've even finished the hi-ho song."

"You cannot do that!" shouted Giggles.

"Why not?" Harry asked innocently. "I'm sure Tauriel knows where we're going and I know she's been wanting to get out and see a bit of the world. Seems a dragon would be a good place to start."

An extremely old looking Dwarf who put Harry in mind of a vertically challenged Santa spoke up, "You stand before Thorin, son of Thráin, son of Thrór and the true King Under the Mountain."

"Erebor is my birthright, mine and my kin," said Giggles firmly.

Harry raised a single eyebrow at that. "So you just loaned it out to the dragon then?"

Thorin was now thoroughly confused and Harry felt it was time to go in for the kill. "Well that's fine then. Me and Tauriel come along with you lads, I get my fun, you get your home. I don't see what the issue is. Come on then, no time like the present."

Harry then began walking off in the direction of the mountain that was at the far end of the lake they had washed up beside.

He wasn't altogether bothered when the Dwarves didn't follow and instead started bickering about something or other behind him. Apparently they were of the opinion that if an insane baby Elf wanted to go and make themselves and their nursemaid a snack for a Dragon then they were welcome to. He felt that was a bit unfair, he was easily the most sane Elf he'd ever encountered. Beside him it seemed Tauriel was resigned to the situation.

"Do you really mean to kill the dragon?" asked Tauriel lightly. Over the last two weeks she had come to something of an understanding of his psyche. She'd quickly come to the realisation that Harry was probably the most dangerous being in Middle-earth and that it was best to just roll with it. He was impressed that she was following along though. The dragon was supposed to be pretty nasty.

"Yep," he said shortly, then changed the subject easily. "So, that Kíli, now there was a lump of whiskery beefcake that seemed to have the hots for you..." He had to find some way of passing the time.