The Airspeed Velocity of an Unladen Dragon
Smaug's huge head snaked forwards and Harry's estimation of Tauriel went down significantly when she interposed herself between Harry and the dragon's very large teeth.
"Who would so casually enter my kingdom?" asked the dragon in deep rumbling tones. A single slitted lizard-eye was focused on them, intent and suspicious.
That was a surprise. Harry supposed he really should have expected the thing to be able to talk after Tauriel's 'intellect and cunning' statement but it was still a surprise. It also helped smooth over any lingering moral concerns he had. It was no longer an animal that didn't know better, it was a person who casually murdered thousands of people. Given a distinct lack of Azkaban, or any other prison, there was really only one way of dealing with it.
Harry gently pushed Tauriel to the side and ambled closer to the dragon as he toyed with the wand in his hand absently. "That'll be me. I heard about how you had a bit of a habit of roasting people alive then eating them," he said flatly. "Personally I've always had a bit of a problem with that kind of thing."
As Harry got closer the dragon had to pull back a little to keep him in focus. It seemed amused by his bravado. "Do you know how many would-be heroes have met their end by my claws?" Smaug lashed out at the wall above them and gouged deep furrows in the hard stone. Harry and Tauriel would have been peppered with falling rocks and gravel had Harry not subtly turned them aside. The dragon continued his boasting.
"How many great warriors have been torn apart in my jaws?" It snapped at Harry, the huge teeth clacking together just feet from Harry's face. He did not flinch.
"How many young fools have had their flesh boiled from their bones by my fire?" Smaug drew in a great breath and his huge chest glowed ominously. A torrent of fire rolled over Harry and Tauriel's heads and the stone of the wall glowed red from the heat.
Harry watched the display impassively but was inwardly impressed. The fire would have burned their hair off them where they stood by convection alone were it not for the flame freezing charm he'd applied before entering. And he was much bigger than any dragon back home. That said, he was also just a dragon, no matter how big he might be. Fire was pretty boring, magically speaking.
"Well that's nice," he said, not looking at all phased, "but I doubt you've faced anyone like me before."
The dragon's head snapped down to him again, it could move very fast, and Harry could feel the lingering warmth emanating from its mouth. "Little Elfling," it growled in tones of menace, "it has been long years since I last tasted an Elf so young as you. But you would not be my first."
"Look," said Harry patiently, "can we cut to the chase. We both know you're not going to let us out of here so stop pussy-footing about. Lets get to business." He stood in a ready pose with his wand. He wouldn't usually give any warning, being a firm subscriber to Moody's school of battling which stated that if you were doing it fairly you were doing it wrong.
He had to admit to just a little bit of curiosity in what Smaug was planning to do though.
"But perhaps I will let you go," said Smaug softly, its smooth, deep voice slid across the bare stone. "Perhaps I will keep your friend. Or perhaps I shall keep you both here for a time. I might enjoy the… company."
Suddenly it lashed out again and tore a huge chunk from the wall over Harry's newly constructed entrance. Its vicious reptilian grin was much in evidence when he turned back to Harry.
"You do realise I dug my way in right?" said Harry in confusion. "I could easily dig back out again. Not that I need to, it's just a rock.
To demonstrate his point he flicked his wand and the massive boulder rose from the ground and hit Smaug square in the mouth at Hogwarts Express speeds. The cavern shook as the dragon cried out in surprise and anger. Harry was fairly sure he didn't actually much hurt the creature. Drama queen.
It reared back from them and rose to its full impressive height and glared imperiously down at the two tiny figures before it.
At least, that was the intent. The moment the rock had shattered against the bone and scale of Smaug's head he began transfiguring the pieces into huge ceramic golems. As he did so he cocked his head at Tauriel.
"Either get out or stay close," he said firmly, his usual joking persona dropped. "He's a big bastard and I'll need to concentrate."
She snapped out of her stupor and unslung her bow. Her pathetic little arrows had about as much effect on the beast as he imagined spitballs would. Perhaps if she could hit it in the eye she might cause some small amount of damage but such a specific point proved a difficult target.
The ceramic golems didn't last more than a few seconds. It was all very well making his creations fireproof but there was nothing to stop Smaug simply smashing them into little pieces. Bit of an oversight, that. He tried to take advantage though by transfiguring the remaining pieces into a swarm of gigantic bees ranging up to the size of large cats which Harry then sent at the dragon's eyes.
A burst of flame spilled from its glowing maw and the bees were incinerated in moments. The fire rolled over Harry and Tauriel, the latter whimpering as it closed upon them.
Harry chuckled as he felt the warm tickling sensation wash over him, in his child-like body it came out as more of a giggle and rung clearly through the halls of Erebor. Smaug stopped.
"Is that it?" asked Harry in disappointment as the flames died around him. "Are you sure you're not getting old? I hear performance issues aren't uncommon-" Another torrent of flame poured from the dragon, even hotter than the last. Again they did nothing more than tickle Harry and his amazed companion.
After a long moment Smaug stopped and the fire winked out leaving the two untouched upon near molten stone. The charms applied to them had protected the nearest stone and so each stood on a tiny island of solid rock.
"Still disappointed," said Harry as he wove his wand through the air in front of him. The molten stone coalesced quickly together into wobbling mounds and grew, up, up and further up until a second huge dragon occupied the hall.
It lunged at Smaug and his earsplitting roar shook the mountain with such ferocity than Harry was nearly thrown from his feet. Teeth of diamond, larger than Harry bit into the neck of the dragon and burning blood fell from its wounds. Its great wings unfurled and he beat them powerfully enough to send Harry and Tauriel tumbling had Harry not Apparated them both behind it as soon as the battle was joined.
Smaug lunged at Harry's huge creation and smashed it aside before barrelling into the huge locked gates of Erebor and taking flight.
"The dragon flees from you?" said Tauriel in amazement as it rose quickly into the air beyond the great gates.
"Things tend to do that," said Harry with as much modesty as he could muster given the situation. "I'm a bit worried about leaving him to go though."
He thought about it for a moment before speaking again. "I think there's probably something I can do about that," he said thoughtfully.
Tauriel was not paying him much attention, instead it was being held by the entrance hall before them. Harry's huge molten dragon was setting solid before the great gates, mouth open wide and threateningly, and was giving of plinking noises as it cooled. Harry was looking forward to the comments that would get, it was quite the conversation starter.
"Yeah, should work," he concluded. "Back in a moment, you might want an umbrella."
She blinked in confusion but before she could question him further he disappeared with a pop.
He reappeared outside the doors of Erebor and looked up at the sky for Smaug. The dragon was winging his way towards the lake and Harry decided it would be best to stop it before it reached the town.
He apparated again, this time landing on the moving and shifting back of the dragon as it flew through the air. He cast a Sonorus upon himself.
"Hey, you left before we could finish our business," he said conversationally from his position just behind the head of the dragon. "Seems a bit rude to me."
Smaug, enraged beyond all reason did not speak instead he fell into some death-defying aerial maneuvers as he tried to shake his passenger off. Harry applied a sticking charm to keep him safe and sound.
"You know this isn't the first time I've ridden a dragon," he said over the whistling wind. "But you may be the first dragon ever to die this way."
Just as Smaug was performing another writhing flip in the air Harry grabbed a spike upon his neck and disapparated. Side-along apparition was dangerous enough for the passenger in laissez faire apparition when they were something easy and human. Something the size of Smaug was guaranteed to splinch, and splinch nastily.
It was a mess.
Half of the head, and part of the neck came with Harry back to Erebor. The wings and tail did not go anywhere and plunged into the lake below. Everything else reappeared somewhere in between in neat, perfectly sliced-off chunks.
The company of Thorin, who had been running as fast as their stubby little legs could carry them were almost crushed when the heart of the dragon materialized nearly a hundred meters over their heads. Only by luck and the sturdiness of Dwarves did they avoid being crushed. Kíli got the worst of it and had to be dug out of the gigantic aorta over the course of an hour. The rest got away with merely having bits of dragon in their beards. Most felt this was an acceptable state of affairs.
Harry didn't know any of that. Instead he reappeared in the Great Hall of Erebor with the biggest damp thwump he'd heard since the last time he'd seen Pansy Parkinson get on a broom.
He did a quick check of his own body parts and came up missing just a couple of toe-nails. It had been a bit of a risky idea but he'd been confident that Smaug would get the worst of it simply because of how big he was. Simple arithmancy, really.
He looked over to where Tauriel stood completely speechless. "Well," he said as he cleaned up the dragon blood, which had gotten everywhere. "That's that, what do we do now?"