Doesn't Even Have a Daughter

Harry peered over the recently repaired battlements that sat above the front gates of Erebor and looked down at the puzzled and frustrated Dwarves below. A few were covered in blood and bits of dragon and all looked extremely dishevelled. At that moment he was glad the Dwarves were such short-arses. If these battlements had been designed for Men he'd probably need a box. He couldn't have lived that down. As it was Tauriel had already made a comment about how adorable he looked when standing on tip-toes.

"Hello!" he called down cheerily, his honeysuckle voice easily carrying down to the party below. "Who is it?"

The grey bearded one stood forward to give the introduction again when the leader Dwarf, Harry was drawing a blank for his name, stepped up and shouted, "You know who I am, boy! You would stand above the doors of my Kingdom and treat with me like this?"

"Actually, I've forgott-"

"He is Thorin Oakenshield, Harry," interjected Tauriel with a sigh. "Grandson of the last King of Erebor. I know you remember."

"Remember how long it took me to get your name," Harry reminded her quietly. "I just remember calling him Giggles but I thought he might take offense. I'm trying to be diplomatic here," he finished haughtily.

"Of course," she responded and rolled her eyes. "Diplomatic."

"We will not be ignored!" came an angry shout from below, bringing Harry's attention back to them.

"Oh, sorry about that," he said unapologetically. "Right, so. Thorin Oakenshield?"

"Yes." Harry could almost hear the grinding of teeth from where he stood. Actually, as an Elf he really could hear the grinding of teeth. That couldn't be good for them.

"Well, see, I don't really have all that much use for this great big hole in the ground," he began and the Dwarves below sputtered in indignation. "But there's a going rate for dragon-slaying you know?"

"You would hold the birthright of my people hostage from us," said Thorin, his voice tight and his hands grasping at things unseen. "Erebor belongs to the Dwarves alone, it is not yours to give."

"That's the thing though," said Harry with infinite patience. "The going rate is half the kingdom and your daughter, I'm willing to negotiate on that though."

One of the younger Dwarves with a short blond tasselled beard piped up. "But Thorin doesn't have a daugh-"

He was silenced by a fiery glare from the Dwarven leader.

"We will not negotiate with thieves and usurpers!" shouted Thorin, his frustration getting the better of him. "You will return Erebor Lost to its rightful heir or the axes of the dwarves will come for you."

"Yeah, I've already got loads of those," said Harry as he waved his little hands dismissively. "You wouldn't believe how much gold there is in this place. The Goblins would have a field day."

"Goblins!" shouted one of the other Dwarves, this one at least had a proper beard.

"He is in league with them!" shouted another as the others went into an angry little huddle. Harry knew it was especially angry due to the urgency of the gesturing.

"Actually, I've never really got on all that well with the Goblins," Harry tried to point out. "I was just curious to know what they'd pay for the glowy rock we found."

"Glowy r-?" began the smallest, least hairy and best dressed Dwarf. "Thorin, he's found the Arkenstone!"

Harry turned back to Tauriel. "Arkenstone?"

"The Dwarves call it the King's Jewel," she explained unhelpfully.

"Does it do anything?" he asked as he waved his wand and summoned the stone in question to him.

"I would not know," she said without giving it much thought. "I believe it is nothing more or less than a beautiful gem."

That gem slapped into Harry's hand at that moment and he peered at it closely. It did look curiously magical but he couldn't feel anything from it. It did appear to be nothing more than a big shiny rock. "Huh, well that's-"

"Enough!" Thorin's voice cut across the chatter. "You will return the Arkenstone to me and open the gates of Erebor to me and my kin. Now!"

"Look, this is all getting very sensitive," said Harry, thinking back to his workplace conflict resolution sessions. "We should just walk away, take a deep breath and deal with this issue tomorrow."

"We will deal with this issue now!" demanded the Dwarf as he stamped his stubby legs in anger.

Harry was rapidly tiring of the would-be King's attitude and decided to defer the problem to another day.

"Look, how about I give you the Arkenstone," he suggested reasonably. "Then you go away, calm yourself down and we discuss this like the adults we bo- you are."

The Dwarves below went into another huddle as they argued about his offer. Harry leaned heavily upon the parapet as he watched the hushed but frantic discussion go nowhere fast.

He glanced at Tauriel. "Are Dwarves always like this?" he asked in resignation.

"In my experience, yes," said Tauriel. "It is a wonder that they made it so far as they did."

Harry sat and watched for what felt like an hour as the Dwarves continued to bicker amongst themselves. Finally, he grew tired and decided to move things along.

He transfigured the Arkenstone into a chicken with a wave and propelled it out over the gap to land in the wildly gesticulating arms of one of the Dwarves. They promptly dropped it and the argument stilled for a moment.

"Mmmmmmbuk" grumbled the chicken as it ruffled its feathers in front of the incredulous Dwarves.

Finally the big bald one was moved to speak. "What-"

The transfiguration reversed and he fell immediately silent again as they all gasped in reverence.

"The King's Jewel," gasped one wearing a ratty looking deerstalker-like hat.

Thorin bent low and scooped it up gently, as if it was the most precious thing in the world. The moment was rather ruined when Harry's pure voice rang out again from above the gates of Erebor.

"Right, so I'll see you blokes tomorrow," he called. "Say a couple of hours after dawn?"

Thorin nodded dumbly as he stared in wonder at the wondrous jewel he held in his hands.

"Well I'm glad that's settled," said Harry cheerily. "Now bugger off, you're making the place look untidy."

He turned around and flicked his wand absent-mindedly before he walked off. Had the Dwarves outside been watching they would have seen the gigantic entryway of Erebor disappear under an illusion. Suddenly the mountain looked plain and untouched.

Harry looked at Tauriel as they both walked back towards the interior. "So we've got some time to kill-"

"No," she said flatly.

"But you don't even know what I was going to-"

"No," she said again.

His shoulders slumped in distress for a moment before he perked back up. "Well I guess we'll just have to hav-"

"No."

"Shit. In that case, did I ever tell you about Scrooge McDuck?"

o-o

Harry sat slumped across the throne of Erebor as he waited for the Dwarves to show up for their agreed meeting. He glanced at Tauriel who was stood respectfully to the side. Both were now clad in the finest dragon-hide armour Harry could make. It glistened. If Tauriel's was ever so slightly more revealing than necessary then Harry would certainly never admit to it.

The Dwarves, when they finally arrive, looked dirty and untidy in comparison. That was largely because they were dirty and untidy. Most were still wearing little more than the underclothes they'd been wearing when they escaped from Elftown.

"So then," he said when they'd stumped closer. "How can I help you?"

"You sit upon the Throne of Durin's Folk and ask its rightful King what you can do?" asked Thorin with disdain and a still simmering anger.

Most of the rest of his company echoed obviously echoed his feelings. There were two exceptions. The short camp looking beardless dwarf who just looked completely lost and Kíli who kept tripping over the smooth stone floor as he failed dismally to attract Tauriel's attention.

"Yes?" said Harry honestly as he pointedly ignored Kíli's sad display. Hormones came to all races it seemed. "I'm not a Dwarf. Don't really see the attraction to be honest."

Thorin seemed to be having significant difficulty understanding just what Harry was suggesting.

"Look," said Harry with infinite reasonableness. "I have no interest in this place. At all. But I don't work for free."

"We did not ask that you fight the dragon," Thorin pointed out. He continued with no small amount of incredulity, "You took the task upon yourself for amusement."

"That's true," Harry admitted. "And it was pretty amusing. So I'll waive most of the fee. I'm a reasonable guy."

"Then what fee would you demand of me to ransom my throne?" said Thorin and Harry could see the anger rising again. Time to finish this up.

"As much gold as I can reasonably carry," he said simply. "Surely that won't make much of a dent in the sea of gold that's sitting back there?"

The Dwarves once again felt the need to go into a huddle to discuss his eminently reasonable, at least on the face of it, offer. Eventually they accepted but they did not look at all happy about it.

"Very well, that much and no more," said Thorin grudgingly. "And your nursemaid is to have no hand in it."

"Don't have one," said Harry cheerily. "So that works out fine."

He disappeared from his reclining position with a pop and returned after a few awkward minutes in which Kíli once again tried his luck at flirting with a supremely disinterest Tauriel. It might have been the smell, Dwarves really should wash more than twice a year. She was managing to be very polite about it though. Occasionally she'd smile a tight little smile and Kíli would just about swoon, much to the disgust of the other Dwarves. When Harry appeared he was carrying a small plain looking pouch in hand.

"Well that's that then, mountain's yours I suppose." He bounced the little pouch up and down in his hands. "I don't have the keys so you might need to get a new lock put on the doors or something."

He looked to Tauriel and bowed in a gentlemanly way and let her lead the way. Behind them he heard the clump clump clump of excited Dwarves hot footing it into the treasure hall.

"How much did you take then?" she asked when it was clear he had no intention of mentioning it.

"Half," said Harry easily. "That was my stated fee, after all."

"The Dwarves will surely notice such a large portion of their hoard missing," she said with what would usually be a strangely unconcerned tone. By this point she had grown used to Harry's ability to come out of any situation on top.

"Doubt it. Cast a befuddlement hex on it," he said happily. "They'll be much too busy swimming in it to care."

They reached to great doors of Erebor and Harry quickly waved them open with a gesture.

The valley beyond was filled with Elves. And Dwarves. They appeared to be arguing. At the front Harry saw Blondie and his pops arguing with whom he assumed was the head Dwarf.

Legolas shouted something and drew his bow to point an arrow at the head of the Dwarf.

"Awww shit the bed Blondie," muttered Harry. "Can't I leave you alone for five seconds?"