Adventures in Orc Purée

A deafening crack echoed across the valley that ran before the gates of Erebor and all the collected Elves and Dwarves stopped hefting their weapons menacingly to look at the source. A short Elfling with messy black hair, Harry lowered his wand.

"Can I not leave you guys alone for five minutes?" he asked in chagrin. "Honestly Legolas what sensible person threatens a guy in-front of two armies?"

"I… what?" said Blondie with a harried look. "I did not threaten him!"

Harry just stared at the blond idiot until he began to squirm. It actually took quite a long time, Harry was reluctantly impressed.

"He called me a pointy eared pansy," said Legolas a touch petulantly. His father ran a tired hand over his face and Harry felt a momentary pang of fellow feeling with the Lucius Malfoy look-a-like.

"Legolas," said Harry with infinite patience. Sometimes dealing with Blondie was like dealing with Rosie after a few too many of Honeydukes more experimental sweets. "I've called you a pointy eared pansy."

"You're an Elfling," said Legolas. "Such behaviour is expected, if not perhaps the language." He actually managed to regain just a little bit of his lost poise and added a hint of reproach to his words.

"Right. And this guy's a Dwarf. Did you really expect better from him?" Harry pointed out before adding as an afterthought to the Dwarf. "Oh, no offence by the way."

The Dwarf, who possessed an impressive shock of bright red hair and a gigantic truly Dwarvish beard growled at Harry but didn't do anything else. Harry's Elvish ears picked up the faint grinding of his teeth.

Perhaps he was related to Thorin.

"Well n—" began Legolas.

"There we are then," said Harry as he clapped his hands together with a hopeful air of finality. "Can't really throw a hissy fit when he's just acting like you'd expect."

"Hissy…?" muttered Legolas quietly.

Harry ignored him and turned to Than… Thend… Thandy? Whoever. The boss Elf. "So I hate to sound like I'm trying to climb up my own arse but did you come all this way for me?"

"Lamentably, this is so," said Thranduil —Harry had to resist the urge to snap his fingers triumphantly when the name popped into his mind— with his normal look of disinterested arrogance. Harry was just a little pleased to note a slight edge of annoyance directed at Legolas though.

"Might I also commend your… minders on just how quickly you grasped the specifics of our language," he added as an afterthought. The look of subtle condescension he wore at that was a little masterpiece.

Harry decided to be the bigger man and didn't rise to the Lucius wannabe's comment. He was very pleased when Tauriel was able to shrug her king off so lightly. Legolas was not so sanguine.

"Father, it was not I that—"

He was silenced by a subterranean rumble passing beneath their feet. The Elves and Dwarves glared at each-other distrustfully while Harry's Auror instincts flared and his wand materialised in his hand.

Silence fell for a long moment and though Harry did not relax he couldn't help but interject. He looked at Tauriel who still had her hands on her bow and was looking about nervously. "Did the earth move for you too sweetie?" He smiled his best lecherous grin. If you were going to deploy clichés like that you had to go all out after all.

Once again he forgot just how unsuited to such actions his youthful and infuriatingly virginal face was. Perfect white teeth glinted in the morning sun and somehow the words sounded completely innocent on his tongue.

Tauriel just looked confused. While he was disappointed in his execution the result was still worth it. You could cut stone on those eyebrows.

Then there was a huge rumble and explosion of earth at the far end of the valley. Huge worm things burst from the ground and two huge holes were ripped in the far mountainside. Huge was the word that kept rattling around in Harry's head. They could give Smaug a run for his money and they were worms that ate rock.

He was just glad they didn't decide to pop up closer. Like, say, right under his feet.

The story of Jonah was well known among wizards and had been mentioned in the 'extreme conditions' portion of his Auror training. He had no wish to put that lesson to the test. The exit strategy left a lot to be desired.

From the tunnels excavated by the worms came a swarm of dark figures that his sharp Elf eyes could make out as stunted and misshapen Orcs.

Harry immediately began to assess the situation. The Orcs, though they were obviously rather wretched, greatly outnumbered the forces of Elves and Dwarves. He had no illusions about the possibility of them working together, that would be utterly stupid. They'd just waste their time and lives in one-upmanship, he imagined the Elves would feel pride bound to run into the fray without thinking about defensive lines. He could almost see the thought forming in Thranduil's pretty little head.

"Right, you lot. All of you. Get inside Erebor," he said firmly. "I'll deal with this lot." The Elven and Dwarven leaders were not pleased.

"You cannot possibly—"

"You would order m—"

"No Elf is going to ste—"

"Oh shut up," said Harry tiredly. "Either you get into Erebor now or I put you in Erebor in the most embarrassing way possible."

That threat seemed to get through to Legolas and Thranduil. Legolas winced and grasped at the space between his legs while Thranduil's eyes flashed to his son and tightened in sympathetic pain.

The Dwarf was not so convinced. "Look Elf, Dáin Ironfoot does not—"

He stopped talking when Harry casually started to sweep the Dwarves nearest to him through the air and into Erebor in a hairy cloud of flailing limbs. The armour worn by each unfortunate tossed Dwarf was inexplicably turned into an unbecoming pink tutu at the moment their feet left the ground.

Harry knew he'd regret that decision when he tried to sleep later. There were some things that the eyes of men —or Elves— were just not meant to see. Unclad Dwarf legs were definitely one of those things. Right after Dwarf chests in thin pink fabric. He could see nipples, they were most definitely not the right kind of nipples.

The things he endured in his efforts to save lives. They'd better have a medal for him after this.

More annoyingly, while the Elves were being marshalled into Erebor by their King and Prince, the Dwarves took exception to Harry's treatment of them and the boss Dwarf shouted for them to attack him. They complied very enthusiastically and after beating their shields together intimidatingly they charged him with a Dwarvish war cry. "Baruk Khazâd!"

Harry paid them no heed as he continued to sweep them all tidily into the safety of the mountain fortress.

It took mere seconds to throw the hundreds of Dwarves to safety. He left Dáin for last and once he was sure he'd found the rest of the furry little blighters Harry transfigured Dáin's armour into yellow jelly and threw him through the air with a final flick of his wand.

"Khazâd! Khazâd!" cried the Dwarf as he hurtled through the air to land coincidentally on top of Legolas. The gates slammed shut and disappeared into the stone of the mountain with a squelch.

Harry turned to Tauriel who was staring at him slack-jawed. "Did you just toss…?" she asked reverently.

"Seems that way," said Harry with a shrug. "You want to hang back too? Might get hairy."

"No more hairy than it has just been," she pointed out with a spark of humour. "Indeed I believe it may be blessedly less hairy out here than in there."

Harry let out a barking laugh. The high pitched sound was much more like a fox in heat than the menacing grunt of a feared dark wizard hunter. He really needed to spend some time dealing with his stupid bloody voice.

"You've got me there," he allowed and he began ambling towards the still charging Orcs. "I'll be coughing up hairballs for months after that showing."

They both walked towards the closing line of Orcs. The valley was a long one, they really should have had the worms drop them off closer, it really wasn't much of a surprise if it took them the best part of a couple of minutes to cover the distance. They were probably winded by now if Harry was any judge.

Tauriel walked beside him though she did not echo his confident step. "You have a plan?" she asked hopefully.

Harry nodded. "Yep, talk to them."

She blinked. "I do not believe that will work," she said delicately.

"Got to give it a try though," said Harry in businesslike tones. "I'm not a butcher." It was the first rule of Auror-ing. Give the bad guys a chance to not be bad guys. It's only sporting after all. Sometimes he wished he'd been educated in America, no fair play bollocks from them.

They stopped a few hundred feet from the still charging Orcs. The shouting that was coming from them was no longer quite so enthusiastic. Whether due to tiredness or confusion Harry wasn't entirely sure.

Harry's voice boomed across the battlefield, inasmuch as it was possible for his voice to boom anyway. "Oi. Stop right there." Perhaps he should have given the words more thought beforehand.

He was thus rather surprised when they did stop. From their hard to read and terribly ugly faces it looked to him like they were equally surprised.

"Uh. Oh. Right, well." Harry floundered as he tried to work out what came next. "Who's in charge here?"

The Orcs looked at him owlishly for a few long moments before they started chanting a name.

"Azog. Azog. Azog. Azog."

"Right, so where is he?" Harry asked the assembled multitude when they stopped chanting. One near the back kept going for quite some time.

The Orcs looked at each-other and Harry saw a lot of shrugging and lost looks. Eventually one of the smaller Orcs stepped forward.

"Err, we dunno," he admitted. Behind him the Orcs began grumbling between themselves.

Then a number of frantic horn blasts rang out from atop a hill at the side of the valley, on the ruined tower of an old outfort of Erebor stood a huge mechanism with arms that were waving frantically. It looked rather like a desperate attempt to get someone's attention.

"Up there maybe?" Harry asked reasonably. "As far away from the fighting as possible?"

"Err," said the Orc eloquently.

"Terrible what us foot soldiers have to put up with, eh?" said Harry consolingly.

"Too right," grunted the Orc. "We're only 'ere for the Dwarves and they've all gone and 'idden in the mountain."

"Ahh, yeah. If only you'd got here yesterday," Harry said with his best empathetic smile. He continued hopefully, "oh well, may as well turn around and head for home?"

"Huh?" asked the Orc as if Harry had grown a second head. "Nah, there's an 'uman town by the lake. Reckon that'd be good sport."

"There's a small problem with that plan though," Harry pointed out slowly.

"Oh yeh? What's that then?"

"I'd be unhappy." Harry crossed his arms and levelled a killing glare at the Orc who visibly recoiled.

"Uh, yeh, but it's not my idea see?" The Orc tried to weasel his way out from under Harry's gaze. "It's the lads. Bloodthirsty lot, never seen eye-to-eye."

"Riight," said Harry, pulling it out to make it clear he believed none of it. His glare did not waver.

"Look, it's no goo—"

Another horn blast rang out across the valley and Harry would have ignored it were it not for the insistent tapping on his shoulder courtesy of Tauriel.

He turned to see what could only be described as another army of Orcs and Wargs cresting the hill. Harry turned back to the Orc army in front of him and he could see them attempting to do some simple mathematics.

It was fairly obvious what the outcome was going to be. They restarted their charge towards the two seemingly exposed Elves.

The spokes-orc actually looked at Harry apologetically and shrugged. "No 'ard feelings? Yeh?" He draw his rusted blade.

Harry sighed. "No hard feelings."

The Orc exploded. The small bits of Orc left over then flew towards the first army and then they exploded. Were it not for a windbreak made of flowery fabric Harry and Tauriel would have been covered in black blood and Orc giblets. Harry took a moment to inspect the print on his summoned furniture. Why was it always chintz?

"Harry!" called Tauriel between firing her bow ineffectually into the army now only meters away.

"Oh, right, sorry, I got sidetracked," said Harry as he quickly raised an impervious shield about them.

The Orcs ran into it head first. Given how quickly it had been cast it didn't do anything interesting, it merely kept them at a distance. The result was a lot of very squashed looking Orcs around the perimeter of his shield.

Harry peered out at them and noticed that the second army was charging for Erebor while the first attacked him and Tauriel. Probably best if he waylaid them a bit while he worked his way through the current backlog.

A casual wave of his wand later and the two gigantic stone Dwarves that guarded the gates of Erebor pulled themselves from the mountain side with an almighty grumbling and tearing of stone. They lumbered out towards the attacking army and shouted battle cries that shook the earth. Harry was impressed with himself, he'd never managed language from his creations before.

He turned his attention back to the army clustered outside his protective shield. At first they had fired arrows at his pearlescent silvery shield but had quickly realised the problem when most rebounded and killed their own. Now they pushed as close as possible and beat heavily upon the protective enchantment with their swords and axes. It was all faintly irrelevant really, they wouldn't be able to break it.

After seeing the Orcs pressed up against the solid shield Harry had had an idea. He wasn't sure it would work but it was certainly worth a try.

He slowly shrunk the shield about him and Tauriel until it was barely large enough for them both. This had the twofold advantage of pressing Tauriel firmly up against him. A secondary consideration was it also meant the Orcs pressed even closer.

He then raised a second shield, much much larger than the first which encompassed the entire attacking force. Then he started to shrink the outer shield slowly.

It took some time for the Orcs to realise what happened but by then it was much too late.

The slow constriction of the dual shields forced them closer and closer until finally it began to crush them completely. It was not unlike listening to popcorn in Hermione's microwave as limbs and bones snapped under the pressure. He kept constricting the shields until the popping noises stopped, which was long after the screaming had stopped. Better safe than sorry.

He then released the outer shield and the seething mass of pulverised bones, blood and flesh slumped to the ground like ripe dragon dung.

"Well, that worked," he said, a little surprised with himself. That was pretty brutal, even for him.

Tauriel obviously didn't trust herself to open her mouth and instead just nodded her pasty-white face.

With a pop Harry took pity on her and Apparated her away from the stench and eyesore of the Orc-purée. He took a quick look over towards Erebor and saw that his stone Dwarves were faring very well indeed against the remaining army. He was impressed to note that Thranduil had actually set up his archers upon the battlements of Erebor and they were making a real impact on the Orc numbers.

Once you dug through the mountain of pride there was actually a reasonably intelligent guy underneath. Who knew?

More important in Harry mind was the leader of the Orc forces. He suspected that any leader would likely be considering a 'tactical retreat' given how the battle was going so it was important that Harry jumped on him as soon as possible. With that in mind he Apparated himself and Tauriel to the top of the command tower he'd seen earlier. Tauriel still wasn't speaking but he figured she'd be safer alongside him than on her own.

They appeared next to two large white skinned Orcs.

The larger of the two screamed something in a language Harry didn't understand and swung a nasty looking weapon at his head.

In a conscious effort to spare Tauriel more unpleasant sights Harry elected for simply throwing the Orcs off the tower with a broad sweep of his hand. Their deep voices raised in panic as they fell to the ground hundreds of feet below. For good measure Harry then dropped two very large rocks on them both.

"Uhh, sorry about the Orc smoothie thing," he said sheepishly to Tauriel. "Not something anyone needs to see so soon after breakfast."

She shook her head as if to clear it. "It is not that," she said slowly. "The power you have seems to have no limits, should you so choose you could bring greater evil than Sauron ever could."

He patted her arm reassuringly. "Not gonna go there luv. Evil deeds really aren't my thing."

"Then what is your thing?" she asked seriously. "Your mere boredom could have lead to the deaths of thousands."

"Uhh, well." She shuffled uncomfortably. She was right, he was still treating everything here as if it was a holiday. He sighed. "You're right. I'll have to find some purpose that doesn't cause wars to break out."

Tauriel's nod was a relieved one and she gifted him a glowing smile. "That is well, Harry. I do not think I could have continued to travel with you had you continued on this destructive road."

So she was thinking of staying. That was good news, he grinned back at her.

Just as they were sharing what Harry thought was a lovely moment a screech came from high above and from the clouds descended dozens of eagles larger than horses. Riding upon the back of one Harry could see an old man clad in grey with a tall and crooked hat. He was very much the Merlin archetype if Harry was any judge.

Probably Gandalf then. Late, of course.