A/N: Is this a chapter that I see before me? Why yes, yes it is.

Tales of Madness

"Baaaaaa."

Harry inspected the animal in front of him with scholarly interest. It was an unusual sheep. Its hair was long and flowing rather than bushy and it was regarding him with a level of intelligence not normally found in sheep. It also had a certain grace usually lacking in the normal farmyard stock.

He poked it with his wand and it started to rapidly change colour.

"Baa."

Tauriel chose that moment to enter the room that Harry had taken over in his attempts to cure his boredom, or at least stave it off for a time.

"Harr…" She trailed off. "Why is there a sheep?"

"Hmm? Oh, you know. When a mummy sheep and a daddy sheep love each—"

"Why is there a sheep here?" she asked without missing a beat.

"Now that is a good question," said Harry with false good-cheer. "I could have sworn I told everyone that pissing with my experiments when I wasn't around was a bad idea."

A single perfect eyebrow was slowly raised. "That is an Elf?"

Harry was a little impressed by how easily she was able to take such things in her stride. Most people tended to react much more strongly to this kind of thing, then again she had been exposed to him for more than a month now. He might have her grumbling about Constant Vigilance in another month.

"Seems so," he admitted as he turned back to his prodding.

"Baaa."

"And are you unable to return him to his original form?" she asked after it became clear that nothing more would be forthcoming.

"Well, I could, but then what would they learn? He's a big boy, he needs to learn to fend for himself."

"Harry," said Tauriel tiredly. There was something familiar about that slightly vacant sheepy stare. "Is that Blo… Legolas?"

o-o

"Urgh."

Thump.

"So."

Thump.

"Bored."

Thump.

Elves had, quite possibly, the most infuriatingly tranquil existence of any sentient race Harry had ever encountered. They got up, they laughed and sang and told stories, they ate, and… that was about it.

At the beginning he'd had the suspicion that there was a lot of weird freaky sex going on behind closed doors. After a number of covert efforts that had, purely by coincidence of course, found him behind those selfsame closed doors he had realised that weird freaky sex was apparently not something especially high on their list of priorities.

Still, that hadn't kept him from trying to introduce them to the wonders of the aforementioned weird freaky sex. He hadn't seen much progress on that front at all.

Even after a month Tauriel was still blue balling him. He'd tried everything short of actual magic. He'd even gone on a brief adventure to that shanty town on the lake to try and find a woman. It had, of course, been unsuccessful. Where were all the attractive young female ephebophiles when you actually wanted them? It was enough to drive a man to drink.

And so he had no sex, no action, no-one imminently trying to kill him and all the time in the world.

"There has to be something to sodding do!" cried Harry in desperation. "A Dark Lord to kill, an army of darkness to vanquish, a dark artifact to destroy?"

He hadn't realised when he'd promised Tauriel that he'd stop being so gung ho that he was dooming himself to an eternity of torture. It was no wonder Elves eventually died of boredom. There was only so many times a man could use magic to spy on undressing Elf maidens before it started to cause more problems than it solved.

o-o

"So explain this to me again," said Harry for the third time. "Why are we going to Rivenwatsit?"

"Rivendell," said Gandalf cheerfully, completely unphased by Harry's continued questions. "There the White Council has gathered to hear from you and discuss what to do."

"Right," said Harry and he thought for a moment, his little face scrunched up in thought. "But why should I give a shit? I mean, correct me if I'm wrong here, but couldn't I just bugger off somewhere actually interesting?"

"You will find much to interest yourself in Rivendell, I think," the grey-haired old fraud said thoughtfully. In all honesty Harry had not seen the man perform any magic at all. His first impression had been of a Dumbledore wannabe. Now he was coming to the conclusion that this man was more like an unholy Dumbledore-Lockhart double-threat.

Harry had elected to join the man and his half-pint companion Billybob, or whatever, for the simple reason that it kept him well away from the Halls of the Elvenking. If he stayed there any longer it was likely to become a very interesting crater.

"Yeah, right. Much to interest me. I bet it's just overflowing with unsolved murders, Dark Lords and nymphomaniacs?"

Beside him Tauriel raised a single perfect eyebrow. Harry didn't back down. "Well, a man has needs."

"So you have told me, on numerous occasions."

"But you never seem to believe me."

She did not dignify him with a response. She really was getting infuriatingly good at managing his special brand of persuasion. Harry decided to give that one up for now, it was obviously a dead-end. He glanced at their Hobbit companion who was trying very hard to look like he wasn't listening. He had a thought.

"Hey, Belby—"

"Bilbo."

"Right, Bilbo. What are Hobbit ladies like?"

To his credit the Hobbit wasn't so oblivious to the world that he couldn't read into Harry's transparent intent. He narrowed his eyes. "Why do you ask?"

In the short time Harry had been around the hairy-footed short-arse he'd quickly come to realise that he had a sense of propriety that made most Purebloods look like bawdy teenagers. The easiest way around such barriers, Harry had learned, was to simply crash straight on through.

"Well, would they be up to letting me Slytherin their Hufflepuff?"

Gandalf choked suddenly on his pipe and started coughing loudly while Bilbo managed to go even more red. Tauriel, who by this point had heard almost everything in Harry's arsenal just shook her head.

"Slithering her what?" asked the Hobbit. Harry grinned, morbid curiosity was always one of his greatest allies.

"You know, do the barnaby, make the kelpy, stick our pissbits together and ride the Crup?"

Harry was certain that the old Wizard was now laughing while the Hobbit was doing his very best to sink into the ground. Harry went in for the kill. "Fuck."

It had taken nearly an entire week of needling to get a translation for that word out of Tauriel. Well worth the effort, in Harry's opinion. It was such a useful general purpose word.

"I, whooo! Um, Gandalf, can I sit down for a moment?" asked the Hobbit as his delicate sensibilities threatened to come crashing down around his little pointy ears.

The grey old codger smiled, probably, there was a lot of beard in the way, and took pity on him. "Of course Bilbo, you should not heed young Bronduíst's words, he is from far afield and his people do not keep the same standards as the gentle Hobbitfolk."

Bilbo cocked his head and nodded, clearly trying to communicate that that was an understatement of cosmic proportions. "I noticed."

Harry waited until the Hobbit had managed to get his breathing back under control before he asked his next question.

"Any prostitutes?"

Bilbo turned to the greybeard, his voice almost devoid of hope. "I think I should like to make my own way home, Gandalf."

o-o

"So let me get this straight," Harry said two days later. They were at last nearing Rivendell and Gandalf had finally acquiesced to telling Harry a little more of the background of the conflict he'd managed to step into. "There was this bad guy, who was maybe sort-of kinda killed, and you're worried that he's coming back?"

"The Dark Lord Sauron, yes," confirmed Gandalf. "His Darkness spreads across the land. I think you felt it well enough in Mirkwood, did you not?"

"Right. And he's building up armies and so forth in this Murder place."

"Mordor," corrected Gandalf, stressing the r's far more than was sensible in Harry's opinion.

"Yeah, whatever. So why hasn't Gondor or someone gone and cleared it out?"

"You speak like it is a simple matter of merely walking into Mordor," said Gandalf reproachfully. "He has been gathering his power there for many long years, the Gate has been rebuilt and the great forges relit. It is a fortress larger than all the holdings of Gondor and every beast that moves beneath the shadowed sky there is under the command of the Eye."

That still didn't really answer why they hadn't just made sure the bloody place hadn't been allowed to pull itself back together. That said, however, Harry knew that there wasn't much point in crying over spilt milk. Deal with the problem at hand, then find someone to blame.

"Right. So is that my job then? One more Dark Lord to kill shouldn't be too bad." In all honesty Harry wasn't much pleased by the fact that even fate seemed to want to make his life difficult but this was one of those cases where he had to roll with the punches.

At least until he could find a way of kicking Fate in the danglies.

"I think you would be ill advised to journey into the maw of Darkness," suggested Gandalf, showing his Dumbledore colours. He might not wear the same garish robes but his attitude was very similar. "Even with the power you wield. Sauron is great and ancient, powerful though you may be I fear he is yet the greater. He cannot be undone by mortal means."

Harry narrowed his eyes. "So what means do you suggest?"

Gandalf was silent for a brief time, clearly wondering if it was wise to tell Harry of Sauron's weakness. Eventually he reached a decision. "There is an item, a Ring, that holds the greater part of his power. If that was destroyed then Sauron's power would be broken. He would not be dead, but he would be diminished beyond any hope of return."

"Okay then. So where is this Ring?" Harry could almost hear the capital letter clunk into place.

"It was lost," said Gandalf simply. "Long years Saruman searched for it in Gladden Fields, never was it found."

"Probably wouldn't be too hard to find," Harry said and he pulled his wand out. "Point Me Sauron's Ring."

The Elder Wand spun quickly about until it was pointing south, past the slumbering Hobbit who was mumbling something about 'Elevenses'. Harry tucked his wand away again.

"With a bit of triangulation it should be pretty easy to find, I think."

"Hmmm." Gandalf's furry caterpillar eyebrows were near mating on his forehead with the intensity of his thought. "Perhaps you will have a use beyond merely distracting the Dark Lord's forces."

"Well, y'know," said Harry as he glanced at where Tauriel was doing that creepy Elf thing where they 'slept' with their eyes open. "One does what one can."

o-o

"Bronduíst Amoron, you are welcome in Rivendell."

Lord Elrond actually left Harry feeling just a little bit impressed, even despite himself. He was still dressed in those ridiculous Elfy clothes that would surely be a disadvantage if he ever came under attack, but there was a watchfulness to him that Harry felt was familiar.

If this was what a proper Elf was like then Harry had perhaps been a little unkind to them. Until now he'd thought Tauriel was the only one worth much thought. Elrond, though, had a bearing not unlike Dumbledore when his blood was up, and Elrond was seemingly like that all the time.

"Lord Elrond," Harry said politely and he nodded his head. He was willing to give this man the respect afforded to an equal. "Thank you for your hospitality. But, please, I much prefer Harry."

Harry could almost hear Belby's jaw crack as it fell open. Even Tauriel was giving him a look of honest incredulity. Elrond nodded pleasantly and moved on to greet the others. It wasn't until the Elf Lord greeted Tauriel personally that she shook her shock off. Harry supposed it was understandable. He might have been a bit caustic, on occasion.

He shook those thoughts off and looked around Rivendell in interest, his green eyes shining bright. It was much more pleasant than the Halls of the Elvenking. The buildings were light and airy, the valley was deep and scenic and the Elves had a bit more get-up-and-go to them than those in Mirkwood.

But most importantly from Harry's point of view, the Valley was very easily defended and there were a number of armed guards in evidence. It was clear that Elrond was no fool, he had designed his home settlement well. It might look like one of the Delacour's holiday homes but it was also a fortress. The high sweeping bridges gave archers standing on them perfect fields of fire over any invading enemy and the many halls and balconies meant that any attacking force would have to negotiate an almost impenetrable maze.

Yes, Harry was sure he would find this place much more relaxing.

The only slight problem would be the small kid, maybe nine years-old or so who was looking at him with awe and excitement.

Harry swore then and there that if he was going to be expected to play babysitter for some snot-nosed brat he might have to level this place completely. It would be unfortunate, but ultimately he felt that it would be a fitting punishment.