Earwigging

A.N: Timeline setting: Between 'Vendettas and Stratagems' and 'To Take Down An Emperor'

Very few people sat with him during his off hours, and Alexsandr Kallus knew why.

He was a defected imperial. That meant that people didn't trust him. His time in the ISB had been spent quelling rebellions such as these, and no doubt he had personally been responsible for the deaths of many rebels that once walked the base on Yavin Four.

So yes, he was fully aware that he was an outsider, one who was not welcomed by the masses. And he was ok with that.

However that didn't mean that he spent every lunch break alone. Zeb would commonly sit with him, as would Kanan. When she wasn't busy Ahsoka would also join, more often than not to discuss Fulcrum business, but the gesture was the same.

The large chamber that had been set aside as a mess hall for the base on Yavin Four could house many people. Tables and chairs lined the room, offering places of respite and relaxation for many, as well as somewhere for people to go to eat and work at the same time.

That was why Kallus was here. Before him on the table was a report detailing locations of secret caches of supplies hidden by rebel sympathisers. The only problem was that some of them had been set up by the empire as a trap. No doubt Thrawn had thought of that.

So here Kallus was, stifling over the report drinking a lukewarm cup of caf, trying to uncover the secrets.

And he was alone at the table. Other rebels were indeed present, by they mostly avoided them.

Glancing up briefly, Kallus took in the vast array of individuals who all seemed to be crowding around a single table.

There were humans, as expected, and a fair few Twi-leks of various colours as well. Continuing his inspection he spotted a pair of Zeltrons joining the growing crowd of people, as well as a Togruta male. There was even a Gungan in the midst of them.

Suffice to say, the rebel base was a melting pot of cultures. A vast difference in comparison to the human dominated empire.

Remembering his report, Kallus' eyes glanced back down at the words on the datapad.

Nothing was making sense to his weary eyes. Perhaps he should take a break. A proper one at that.

And then something drew his attention away from his report. A voice boomed across the mess hall.

Glancing up, Kallus spotted his fellow Fulcrum agent, Cassian Andor, and his companion, K-2SO striding towards the assembled group of rebels, a scandalised look on Andor's face.

'What has he done now?' Kallus thought to himself in an instant. Cassian was known for his reckless behaviour, and more often enough he got into trouble.

If he had a look on his face, something big was about to happen.

Kallus found he was morbidly interested in whatever it was. Clearly it had attracted a fair amount of attention.

"Well everyone, the results of our latest vote are in. Gather round, gather round. K-2, would you do the honours?"

The assembled group of rebels parted to allow Cassian and K-2 past, who for some reason jumped up onto the table the crowd was gathered around.

'What on Coruscant is going on? What vote?' Kallus thought again.

K-2 then spoke aloud, his voice full of mirth that shouldn't exist in a droid.

"This is stupid Cassian. I don't understand, nor do I agree with the results."

"That's because you are a droid K-2. Now read them out."

As he replied, a huge smirk came to Cassian's face. From where he was watching Kallus could almost feel the smugness radiating off of him.

K-2 then appeared to sigh dramatically, before producing a datapad of his own. The assembled crowd of rebels had suddenly grown even larger, with a pair of cooks coming over to listen as well.

Then K-2 began to speak.

"Cassian recently asked all of you stupid fleshbags to vote on the top five most attractive male and female rebel agents. For some reason, you all did. And now we have our list. Cassian, must I do this?"

Kallus didn't hear what came next. Top five most attractive male and female rebels? What was going on?

Shaking the thought off, Kallus refocused on the assembled group, missing whatever reprimand Cassian had given to K-2.

The droid seemed to sigh again, louder this time, before he began to speak.

"Fine! Females first, as they say. Coming in at number five we have Miss Miara Larte. Apparently you all like a good pilot. I'm far better looking than she is!"

Cheers seemed to erupt from the crowd as Miara seemed to emerge from nowhere, bowing before the rebels assembled.

'They've lost their minds!' Kallus mulled. Is this what rebels did for fun?

Once the commotion had died down, K-2 continued.

"Coming in at number four, oh my. Senator Mon Mothma!"

Laughter erupted from the assembled rebels, but unlike with Miara it seemed Mothma was nowhere in sight.

Then again, Kallus was unsure Mothma would appreciate being included in the list.

"Coming in at number three is…"

"Hey Kallus."

Kallus was dragged out of his focus on the assembled rebels by the sound of Zeb's voice, who was carrying a tray coated with food. The purple Lasat didn't wait for an invitation, instead he sat down opposite Kallus and began to stuff his face.

"Hello Garazeb. How are you today?"

Kallus missed whoever number three was revealed to be, but by the looks of it it was one of the rebels he had spotted earlier.

"I'm good pal. What's going on over there?" Zeb replied, gesturing with one large hand whilst stuffing his face with another.

"Some silly game Cassian is playing with them. Apparently they have all voted for the best looking rebels."

Zeb chuckled lightly before swallowing his food.

"Oh this will be good."

Suddenly it seemed as if though Zeb was fully engrossed in what was going on. He didn't leave the table, but rather sat watching and listening.

Kallus found he had the urge to as well.

The two unlikely friends suddenly found themselves listening as K-2 continued his list.

"And now, number two. Oh now this isn't a surprise. Really people?"

"Get on with it K-2!" Someone called out from the crowd. In response, the droid shot what looked like a death stare, before continuing.

"Number two is Commander Ahsoka Tano."

Kallus found himself rolling his eyes again, even as Zeb chuckled lightly.

"I can see why." Zeb spoke aloud, causing Kallus to throw a scandalised look at the Lasat, who merely looked back unfazed.

"Garazeb?"

The purple Lasat shrugged his shoulders before replying.

"What? Just saying. Wonder who number one is?"

Ignoring Zeb's surprising comment, Kallus shifted back. This was getting ridiculous, but he couldn't help but continue to listen.

And then K-2 spoke again.

"And now, number one. And it would seem you all have a fetish for Lekku. The female rebel voted as most attractive by her peers is Captain Hera Syndulla."

Cheers erupted again from the assembled group, but that didn't cover up the sound of Zeb coughing in surprise. Kallus had to say he agreed.

When Zeb had finished his little coughing fit, he locked eyes with Kallus.

"Kanan's gonna kill them."

Grunting in agreement, Kallus began to shift his gaze back to the report he had before him. Now that the commotion was over, surely he could…

"And now we have the list for top five most attractive male rebels. Brace yourselves."

K-2's voice immediately broke any focus Kallus had. When would it end?

Zeb's eyes appeared to widen in surprise before he spoke.

"If Ezra is on that list I swear everyone has lost their minds."

Kallus tried to drown out the sound of the group of rebels, but it was no good, especially when K-2's 'enthusiastic' voice echoed across the mess hall.

"So, coming in at number five is Saw Gerrerra. Our rebel badboy has apparently gained a few admirers… seriously Cassian, who wrote this poodoo?"

Cassian slugged the droid on his arm before gesturing to continue.

"Fine fine. Coming in at number four, we have Senator Bail Organa? You do all realize he is married right?"

More cheers erupted from the assembled group, and Kallus very nearly yelled out at them to shut up.

Still, he wouldn't. If this was how they wanted to have fun, then so be it, as long as they left him out of it.

Zeb was clearly having great fun as he chuckled deeply at each name.

"This is going to be great."

Kallus chose not to respond the Zeb's statement.

K-2 then continued on.

"At number three, we have easily the most unattractive person in the galaxy, so unattractive he makes Emperor Palpatine look like a pin up model. Number three is Cassian Andor."

Laughter erupted at Cassian's mortified look. However the Fulcrum agent was quick to shake it off, before beginning to do what looked like a victory dance upon the table.

Kallus shook his head at Cassian's ridiculous behaviour. This was going too far.

"I swear if Ezra is next!" Zeb spoke again.

After the volume of the crowd had again dipped, K-2 proceeded.

"At number two, we have our resident blind Jedi, Kanan Jarrus."

Kallus' eyes widened in surprise at the mention of Kanan's name, and then proceeded to widen even more when said Jedi emerged from the crowd, offering high fives to everyone.

"What is Kanan doing?" Zeb spoke aloud, equally shocked by the behaviour of their friend.

Kallus had no clue. He only have one thing on his mind.

'Hera is going to kill them for placing Kanan at number two.'

"And now, number one."

Kallus shook his head. He couldn't bare anymore. Whoever number one was wasn't worth his time. He had a report to finish.

Zeb clearly didn't feel the same. His eyes were locked onto the group, waiting for the revelation with baited breath.

K-2 continued.

"Voted as the number one most attractive rebel male is…"

Zeb then spoke again. "I swear if Ezra is number one…"

Kallus rolled his eyes again, choosing to ignore Zeb and the situation around him. Part of him wanted it to be Ezra, just to see Zeb's reaction.

The rest of him didn't care.

And then K-2 revealed number one.

"…Alexsandr Kallus!"

Kallus found he couldn't move. Heat flared up in his body, and he was almost sure he was blushing.

What had just happened?

Maybe he could slink away before anyone saw him.

And then Zeb reacted.

The giant purple Lasat broke out into hysterics, his laughter booming across the mess hall, drawing the attention of the assembled group of rebels, who were now all looking at Kallus with wide smiles and smirks.

"They voted…they voted for you, pffhahaha!"

Kallus wanted to silence the Lasat. Maybe he could still make a quick getaway before…

Too late.

In the time that Kallus had contemplated leaving, the group of rebels had charged over to Kallus. Hands came from all directions to pat him on his back, offering words of encouragement and other friendly gestures.

And then suddenly, Kallus discovered something.

He wasn't alone. He had friends, even if he didn't realize it.

It seemed that people did in fact like him, and that they did want him around.

It may have been revealed to him in the most perplexed and frankly scandalous of ways, but he found that in the moment he didn't mind, not as he accepted offered handshakes and suddenly found himself the centre of attention.

Suffice to say, Kallus rarely ever sat alone in the mess hall after that.

Furthermore, he knew who he was going to vote for next time, considering their reaction to him being voted number one.

Author's thoughts

Soooo... I realize this one shot is a bit... weird, but I just wanted a funny idea to write and I ran with it. And then when writing it I accidently gave it a heartwarming ending. Oops. :)

Anyway, considering it is 'World Book Day' tomorrow (at least at the time of posting this chapter it is) this chapter is dedicated to every aspiring author out there. Keep on writing my friends, no matter what others say. :)

So yeah, not much really to say regarding this one shot. I just wanted to do something funny for once, and hit upon the idea of Kallus listening in on an adsurb conversation. I don't care how out of character it might seem, I thought it was funny. Hopefully you lot do too. If not, then be honest about it. I won't take offense if you hated it. :)

Now, I also imagine that some of you want my opinion on the latest rebels episodes 'Wolves and a Door' and 'A World Between Worlds'. As much as I would love to talk about them right now and give my opinion, I won't, so to avoid spoiling it for anyone who hasn't seen it. Once rebels concludes I will discuss the series as a whole.

That being said, and this isn't too spoilery, I loved the episodes, and I am absolutely going to have to write a one shot featuring Morai. Those who have seen the episode will understand why. Those who haven't won't, until they see the episode. ;)

Next one shot will feature Rex and Ahsoka encountering an old friend, turned foe. Who could that be?

As usual, comment and speculate at will. Speaking of which:

SLE's fave guest: We most certainly did. Then again, what happen was what must always happen at that moment, if that makes sense. It was, to quote Doctor Who, a fixed point in time. :)

Maliwan: Eighth Bro is great fun to write, and I'm glad you liked his one shot. There is certainly more from him to come.

Travis Middleton: I'm glad you enjoyed the one shot. It was more of a case that Ezra would immediately volunteer to help Sabine when the time came. Even still, I'm sure she would want him there anyway. They are practically best friends... and more if you ship them. :)
I'll admit that your idea was not one that I thought of, and I might have to do something like that in the future.
Hope you enjoyed the rebels episodes... if you have seen them that is. And I hope you liked this silly one shot with Kallus.

Cranky Paws: Bonding time is the best time.
Eli really couldn't catch a break, and just whe it looked like he was free of Thrawn, he got sent to his people. Still, I love their unexpected friendship and wanted to highlight it here.
The Inquisitors were criminally underused, and still are, even in the Vader comics. (aside from the Grand Inquisitor) I would read an entire novel about them. It would be fun to read their POV's and what they think about each other.

TerminatorJedi1995: Of course Ezra would. All he wants is to help keep his family safe, and Sabine is part of that. Hope you like Kallus' one shot, even if it is a bit silly. I'm glad you agree with me about Ahsoka's fate. She has earned her happy ending in canon. The only death I will accept for her at this point is of old age.
Don't worry about not reviewing all the time. We are all busy. And you are welcome for the comment. :)

Mysterious Guest number one: Glad you liked seeing Sabine use Ezra's lightsaber. It was fun to write someone who wasn't experienced with such a weapon for once.

Mysterious Guest number two: Hey, I'm not going to give you any hate for an idea you have. All ideas and points of view are useful. It's an interesting idea that I haven't seen explored before. I'd read it, even if romance isn't really my thing.