The Council of Elrond and Shit

"So you can do real magic?" A small child asked another slightly larger child as the elder ineffectually attempted to stalk the corridors of Rivendell.

"Do you have nifflers in your ears kid?" asked Harry as he was forced to field that particular question for the third time in the last ten minutes. There was, he mused, an annoying similarity between children and drunk people. They never seemed to get bored of repeating the same topics of conversation ad infinitum. Of course drunk adults had a leg up in this area as there was a 50% chance that they were female, and Harry was more than willing to forgive them a little repetition in such circumstances. "Yes, I can do real magic."

"Show me! Show me! Oh please Master Harry!" the kid, Estel, chanted as he bounced up and down excitedly.

There was a brief moment when Harry contemplated demonstrating the magic in a rather impressive way by simply sending the little twerp to Mirkwood for an impromptu holiday. He had no doubt Blondie would simply love another kid to dote upon. And Blondie's little harem of lady friends, God alone knew how he managed to collect that little menagerie while Harry was still stuck on a coterie of one, would probably melt from the cute.

Perhaps Harry was just feeling bitter that Tauriel had dumped him for some kind of nature walk.

Anyway, no, sending the hellion to Blondie was a bad idea. It made Harry feel slightly ill just thinking about it. The ridiculous amount of cutesy shite might just make the world implode.

He flicked his wand and some fireworks sprouted from the end, a fountain of red, yellow and blue.

Estel then had the absolute gall to look disappointed. "Gandalf can do that," he said with an edge of reproach.

"Oh he can, can he?" said Harry, half to himself. "In that case…"

A moment later the corridor was filled with a motley mixture of man-size spiders, Brazilian Mongo Mongo monkeys, a rare magical species known for its ambulatory faeces, and a single confused looking Orang-utan.

There was a moment of silence as every animal, and Estel, came to terms with their new situation. Harry had always rather enjoyed watching conjured animals come to terms with their new existence. The Mongo Mongos in particular took to their new magical powers with an unexpected gusto.

"Woooooow!" cried Estel as his eyes threatened to fall out of their sockets.

"Watch your mouth, kid. Mongo Mongo shit is known to like warm damp places."

"... What's shit?"

Harry glanced down at the kid and weighed his options. On the one hand teaching the kid just how to express his future teenage dissatisfaction with the world would be amusing. On the other is wasn't likely to be terribly necessary right now.

After a few moments there was a scream from one of the nearby rooms and in the interest of not pissing his host off in the first day Harry waved a hand to dismiss his many conjurations. Most of them, at least, if an ambulatory shit or two had escaped well, he could hardly be blamed.

Estel, however, looked extremely disappointed. He looked up at Harry with impossibly big eyes. "Aww. Do it again!"

Harry sighed. "Look, kid. There's an important lesson that every child must learn. It's not an easy one but learning it now will stand you in good stead in the future." After nearly an hour of trying to lose the little bastard among the many corridors of Rivendell, Harry was becoming increasingly impatient.

Estel looked up at him, though annoyingly not all that far up; Harry wasn't that much taller than him. "What's the lesson, Master Harry?"

Harry twitched only slightly at the continued use of the words 'Master Harry'. There was, in his opinion only one acceptable time for those words to be used and that time involved a substantial amount of tight black leather. This was something currently sorely lacking in his life.

"The lesson is this. Now come close, kid. Are you listening?" He turned towards the dark haired little bastard and lowered his voice as if to communicate an item of utmost secrecy. Estel nodded eagerly. Say whatever you would about him, the kid was willing, even eager, to learn.

"Well it's like this. There are two types of people in the world. Well, there's a few more than that, but I'll wait until you're a bit older to give you that particular talk. Anyway, where was I, ah, yes, two types of people. Now the important thing, the really important thing is that you identify which is which. The first type, well they're the safe ones. They're the ones you can piss— ah, annoy without fear of reprisal. In my experience most Elves would fall into that camp. Most humans too. There is, however, another type of person. That is the type of person who, if annoyed, will smile and nod and speak kind words in response. Then, that night you'll wake up to find your bed full of spiders, your door locked, and an amorous kneazle stalking the floor."

Harry smiled beatifically at the kid who had his eyebrows knotted in thought. Harry nodded to encourage that level of thought. "Which do you think I am?"

Estel thought about it for some time until finally, after a few false starts, he at last came to a conclusion. "Spiders!? That's so awesome!"

"Exac— No! Listen, you little shit. If you don't sod off right the fuck now you'll be wondering if Gandalf can fix your hands and feet being swapped. I'll give you a hint, he can't."

"Oh wow! Can you really do that?" Estel enthused and he immediately held out both hands for Harry to inspect.

Harry could not help but sigh and shake his head. This was probably not wholly dissimilar to how others felt when he himself was feeling particularly inquisitive. Fortunately for all involved there was an easy way out.

"Sure, want to see?"

"Yes of course Master Harry!"

A flick of the wrist later and Harry's wand was in his hand and pointed at the kid. Then something unexpected happened. Harry hesitated.

"Oh, fuck this," he said in exasperation. He'd always had something of a love-hate relationship with his own better nature. Mostly, he loved to hate it; it always got in the way.

"Portus."

The kid's dull green clothes glowed faintly for a moment before the light faded back to nothing. Nothing else happened. Estel looked at his hands, disappointment clear on his face.

"It didn't work, Master Haaaaaa…"

The little gobshite disappeared in a flash of light and an impossibly elongated, "Ahhhh." There was a very faint splash in the distance followed by the quietest, "Wow!" carried to him by the wind. Harry sighed in contentment as the honeyed silence of Rivendell at last returned.

He blinked when he realised what he'd just thought. That didn't sound right at all. Was his body's elvish-ness leaking? That simply would not do at all. It was an idea he wasn't entirely unfamiliar with. He still remembered that time he'd caught Sirius trying to lick his own testicles. On second thoughts, that may just have been Sirius being Sirius.

Well, he could deal with that issue if it cropped up. For now, he had an appointment to keep.

o-o

"So what's the actual plan for dealing with the Dark Lord problem?" Harry asked later in Elrond's surprisingly untidy study. There were books and scrolls all over the place, it was a little like Rose's bedroom after a furious bout of studying; she'd inherited the very worst of both parents, in Harry's opinion.

In addition to Harry and Elrond there were two more Elves lounging in the extremely comfortable seats and Gandalf who was sat in the corner by the window puffing on his ever-present pipe. Tauriel was still nowhere to be found, apparently trees were very interesting things.

One of the Elves was, well for want of a better term, rather impressive. Glorfindel gave Harry the distinct impression that he had seen some real shit. However, he also had his head stuck perilously close to his arse. The other was Erestor who looked like a desk-jockey through and through. Harry quickly decided that he was irrelevant.

However, it was of course Erestor who responded to Harry's question. "The time of the Elves is ending, it is not our place, any more, to steer the fate of Middle-earth."

Harry gave the dark-haired Elf a blank look before turning to the other Elves. "No, but seriously. Plan?"

"There is truth in Erestor's words," said Elrond solemnly. "There is no longer the strength in the Elvish Kingdoms to contest with Sauron directly, if ever they held that strength. We may offer guidance and aid to the realms of Men but we must cede Middle-earth to Men eventually. Even so, no sign has been found of the Ring since the disaster of the Gladden Fields."

"Right, yeah, fine. All good. But let's say, for the sake of argument that someone did find the Ring. What then?"

"Then it would be for the Free Peoples of Middle-earth to decide its fate, and through it their own," said Glorfindel. "We may offer guidance, but no longer is Middle-earth held under our aegis and perhaps that is for the best."

Harry rubbed at his temples in a vain attempt to make the headache go away. "Right. Just so we're on the same page here," he began. "Who's the wisest, strongest, whatever-est Man and how does he compare to, say, sweet-cheeks over here." Harry pointed openly at Erestor.

It as Gandalf that answered this time while Erestor tried to work out if he'd been insulted or not. "Ecthelion, son of Turgon who is Steward of Gondor, is young yet but he has proven himself wise and strong of arm. Perhaps in time others, now hidden will rise who outshine him as the sun outshines the stars."

"Right," said Harry, completely willing to ignore the bollocks that the old Wizard seemed to feel was a necessary part of every sentence. "So if Ecthelium was to fight against he of the perfectly manicured fingernails over here, who would win?"

Erestor frowned in confusion and looked between his fingernails and the others in the room while Glorfindel responded to Harry's question, "Should such a thing ever come to pass then surely Erestor, of Elvenkin would best Ecthelion. He has had many more centuries of practice with weapons and strategy, and Elves do not tire like Men."

"Thank you," said Harry victoriously. "So what you're saying is that you're fully aware that you're best suited to dealing with this issue but won't because… reasons?"

Harry noticed that Elrond was sitting back in his chair with his fingers steepled, but he stayed silent and instead Erestor responded. "It is a lesson they must learn, for the Elves are leaving these shores and will not always be here to save them."

"So to teach them self reliance you're just going to drop them in at the deep end." Harry turned to Gandalf. "Didn't you call Sauron the greatest evil of our time?"

He paused a moment while Gandalf mumbled something probably affirmatory.

"Actually, wait. No. I understand now. Is this Sauron bloke a Man, was that Ring of his made by Men or something?"

At last Elrond decided to rejoin the conversation. "In truth, no. Sauron is beyond even the Eldar and he crafted the One himself, though the lesser Rings he crafted with Celebrimbor of Eregion."

Then, unexpectedly, Elrond chuckled, though it sounded tired. "It seems you have been talked in circles by a mere Elfling, Erestor," he said as he shook his head. "But his point is true. Our hand was in Sauron's rise more than any hand of Man. Even Ar Pharazôn was but a piece upon his board, had we been more vigilant, less easily led, perhaps this great evil could have been after at least in part."

"But, My Lord—" began Erestor in surprise.

"No, Erestor," said Elrond gently. "Bronduíst is right. Until we choose to leave we are as much a part of this world as any Man and it is as much our duty as theirs to seek Sauron's downfall."

The Lord of Rivendell turned to Glorfindel. "For too long we have hidden in our safe havens, protected by the powers granted to us. It is time we took true action. The Ring will not see itself found, it must be forced into the light or it will grow ever more powerful in the dark."

Harry leaned forward and tried to resist the urge to wiggle his eyebrows as he'd seen Gandalf often do. He failed. "Well, I might just be able to help with that little problem."

The moment was only slightly ruined when the single unvanished Mongo Mongo shit ran up Harry's leg and deposited itself on his shoulder.