69 Hues of Writer's Block: A Very Manwomb Christmas
About the Author: Best known by FOX news and most Trump-backing politicians as 'that shrivelly pervert who keeps sending in spank vids titled 'democrats stuffing [vote boxes].mkv', Buster Manwomb is proud to brag that they have made more republicans gag than the idea of poor people deserving a decent quality of life.
For more wholesomely cadaverrific fantasies of class violence, follow Buster Manwomb on Twitter at BusterManwomb. You'll probably get put on a watchlist, but let's face it, if you're reading this that's probably nothing new.
Chapter 1: An Evening With Buster Manwomb
The scene opens on a joyously festive shopping street. Masked and respectfully distant individuals are getting their last-minute holiday shopping done, bidding Happy Holidays to one another as they pass each other by. An uproariously jovial man dressed as Santa is ringing a bell and gathering donations for an lgbt youth shelter. The air is crisp, but rich with the friendly scents of fresh gingerbread and mulled wine. If you were part of this fair scene, you would wonder whether you were in a Hallmark movie or a coke commercial.
The camera does one of those slow zooms Tim Burton likes into the nearest alley, the classical Christmas music fading slowly into what at first sounds like a pop rock song playing on a warped turntable, but turns out to be Goofy's cover of Evanescence's 'Bring Me to Life'. The camera zooms in on a freshly furnished dumpster, the fake door drawn on the front with tippex somehow manages to open, revealing none other than Buster Manwomb themself, seated in a corner beside a Blackberry Playbook and a Tandy Color Computer, wearing a tuxedo and a kilt, and completely passed out.
"Gah!" Buster Manwomb jolted awake. You'll have to excuse them. They would never have tried something this egotistical without trying out some kind of new drug. They push a metal pail of macaroni cheese dust beneath the nearest rat, dust the orange dust off their nose, and look into the camera straightening a large book on their lap.
"Ladies, gentlemen, everything in between, and everything beyond… welcome." Buster Manwomb said in a warm tone that was obviously dubbed over. Not that that's a bad thing. Sure, a voice like the narrator of a Supergiant game sounds odd coming from Buster Manwomb, but would you really have wanted the alternative? Of fucking course not! They sound like Gary Busey's impression of the Quiznos Spongmonkeys. Using that voice in a holiday special is about as fitting as putting the Jonestown Massacre audiotapes in your 'sexy times' playlist.
"It's not that bad" Buster Manwomb (their voice still dubbed) said defensively, crossing their arms as if they weren't fully aware nearly every karaoke bar on the right half of Canada has their picture with the words 'shoot to kill' beneath them.
Oh yes, motherfuckers, this is a deep lore diddlefic.
"…Anyway." Buster Manwomb resumed. "Twenty-twenty has been a real burr in the ballsack for many of us. It's not all bad, though. I was lucky enough to lose my job and get evicted during an uncharacteristically warm December." Buster Manwomb raised a thumb's up to the camera. "thanks, climate crisis!"
Buster Manwomb paused as a rat in an adorably tiny Santa hat climbed into Buster Manwomb's ear and slyly told them to lighten the fuck up, driving the point home with a cheeky nib on the earlobe.
"Anyway!" Buster Manwomb said, brushing the rat off-camera and patting the book in their lap "I thought we'd enjoy something a bit special to distract us all from those wolves at our doors. I have here a collection of my 'in waiting' works. Diddlefics which were either too short, too violent, or indeed, sometimes to long to work on their own!"
"Buster Manwomb seemed to laugh at the very idea. "I know what you're thinking. 'How can a diddlefic be too long?' well just earlier this month I got started on sixty-nine hues of Corona Virus: Scooby Doo bitch slaps God for not social distancing. The story starts with Scooby Doo in line for some taquitos at 7-11. Just what doctor Mary Jane prescribed. Let's take a peek at how that goes for him.
ooo
"You see?!" Scooby Doo yelled to the maskless bastard he was smashing a brick into the face of. "I-wouldn't-be-able-to-hit-you-if-you-stayed-six-feet-back!"
ooo
"That paragraph goes on for six thousand words." Buster Manwomb smiled into the camera. "In the interest of providing non-repetitive catharsis, we're going to mix excerpts in between some of my other treasured diddleminis."
"Today I think we'll start with one of my favourites." Buster Manwomb opened the book with the same sweaty but gentle reverence Donald Trump gives to well-faked nudes of Ivanka. "I came up with this one during my brief employment licking cocaine off of UNICEF donations. I call it 'Sixty-Nine Hues of being popular in the 80s: Alvin and the Chipmunks Fist Mechagodzilla.
ooo
Alvin and his Chipmunk brethren wanted nothing more than to see the hot new blockbuster, Transformers 9: Rise of the Risen. Unfortunately, they only had enough money for one ticket.
"Okay!" Alvin said, shuffling hundred dollar bills while wearing his plastic bookie cap.
"We have set our bets as to what is going to cause the extinction event in this one."
"I'm still convinced it's going to be Mark Walberg this time." Theodore said.
"Nuh-huh!" Simon said. "They want to throw us off. It'll be the Earth that destroys the Earth!"
"That was the plot last time!" Theodore retorted.
"That's why we'd never expect it!"
"Anyway," Alvin said. "We only have enough money for one movie ticket. We can't trust any one of us to watch the movie and see who's right…. How do we sneak in?"
"Ask Dave for some of our licensing fortune he's been embezzling?" Theodore almost asked before he heard a gun cock off-camera.
"Stand on each other's shoulders and walk in in a trenchcoat?" Simon suggested.
"Sure, why not?" Alvin decided.
They got in line at the theatre, standing on each other in a trenchcoat with alvin at the top. Princess Caroline and Vincent Adultman were standing behind them in line.
"Next!" The box office teller, who was Mr T, yelled.
"One adult ticket for the new Transformers, Please!" Alvin said, trying to tone down his voice.
"Damn, sucka!" Mr T said. "Alvin, this ain't working again. Remember when I caught yo' lying asses sneaking into Friday the 13th: Slaughter at Boob Island?"
"Busted!" Alvin said right before the three of them fell out of the trench coat.
"Gasp!" Batman said aloud, walking past the commotion holding a Nordstrom's bag. "That man can turn into chipmunks!"
"What?" Alvin asked, genuinely confused.
"There's no time! You have just the talent we need, Three-Chipmunks-Man!" Batman said, becoming Goku and Instant-transmissioning them, basically kidnapping them.
"Two adult tickets!" Vincent Adultman said, lifting up the broom that was his hand."
"Hell naw! I ain't no foo'!" Mr T said, ripping open Vincent's coat and immediately setting his eyes on fire.
"Oh dear God!" Mr T wailed as he stared unto the inconceivable horror's that was Vincent Adultman's body. "I was the foo'! I pity… me!"
Anyway, mechagodzilla was destroying the city, and batman teleported Alvin and the chipmunks right under its asshole.
"You're our only hope!" Batman said. "Welcome to the Justice League!"
"What are we even supposed to do?" Simon asked, but they'd all made the mistake of looking away, and Batman disappeared. "Shit."
"Is…" Alvin squinted. "Is that spiderman?"
"Why is spiderman giving mechagodzilla a blowjob?"
"Oh god, we've gone more meta." Theodore groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Well, if we're stuck here, we might at well do something while mechagodzilla's distracted."
Alvin stared up at the behemoth's metal asshole. "Well, nowhere to go but up.
They climbed into Mechagodzilla's asshole, and because this story is already starting to get a bit long, found an elevator that took them straight to the person piloting the robot.
"Hey kids!" Mister slave said, pulling levers and pushing buttons. "You get kicked out of the movie theatre, too?"
Knowing Mr Slave's relationship with small mammals, they knew they were doomed the moment he tried to show any of them his funnel collection. Blowing on a dog whistle Simon conveniently had in his pocket, Mr Slaves innards shuddered before the dogs from 2 Stupid Dogs burst from the south side of his digestive tract, promising never to answer a craigslist ad again, until they forget.
"Oh, Jesus Christ." Mr Slave moaned sensually before falling out a window.
"What do we do now?" Simon asked.
"We'll seeing as how we're missing out on a transformers movie, let's replicate the experience by levelling the city!" Alvin suggested as the three of them took to the controls. "Yay, we're so desensitized to extinction events! Thanks Michael Bay!"
Watching the breaking news coverage, Dave grabbed at his hair. "AAAALVIN!"
The End
ooo
"That one hits me where I live, every time." Buster Manwomb sniffled into a sandpaper hankerchief while a rat in a butler's uniform topped off his Listerine on the rocks. "We'll be right back after this commercial break with another excerpt of Scooby Doo doing what we all wished be could do to people that didn't take public health guidelines seriously, and then after that we'll catch up with some…. Old friends."
ooo
"Hey there, hentai fetishists and sincere vocaloid fans! It's me. Hatsune Miku!" Columbo said, dressed in a knee-length blue wig and a maid outfit, doing the shimoneta ending dance. "Here to remind you that every corporation that asks you for charitable donations is basically asking you to spend your own money on a donation-in their name-that they get to use as a tax break! While you should never abuse the ground-level workers doing what jobs they can to survive, you should feel empowered to say no with gusto! Stay Frosty, and seize the means of production!"