Chapter 3: The wreckoning
About the Author: Buster Manwomb could really use a deep-tissue massage about now, is frustrated that it would be irresponsible to get one, and is sincerely hoping that the world in 'Surrogates' starring Bruce Willis comes to pass.
Real talk, Buster Manwomb would love is you gave TWRP a chance. They're a really good band. The starlight brigade music video is a great place to start.
The camera is broadcasting from a new dumpster. The literal rug rats do an unsettlingly impressive job setting up Buster Manwomb's living space while gunfire and the sounds similar to raw chicken bones being liquefied in a blender echo from outside. You hear Buster Manwomb's dubbed-over voice yelling "Fraulein Whooping cough with not fall tonight, you rhythmic shits!"
Accepting that Buster Manwomb won't be in any condition to host this anytime soon, one of the rats takes a pen and q-card and presents to the camera-with startlingly elegant handwriting- 'coming up next: The Conclusion to the Scooby Doo Saga, and afterwards, Our peer-involved presentation, 'JK Rowling suffers consequences for being a filthy terf!'
ooo
Scooby Doo stepped upon the garbled remains of the gods of Olympus. They had all been brutalized in sickeningly creative ways. Not that Scooby Doo felt bad. Even if they weren't antimaskers, Scooby Doo knew that it was public knowledge that the Olympian gods were so rapey that Harvey Weinstein still put out sacrifices to them.
"Congratulations, committer of mass deucide!" A recorded voice declared. "You have been invited to test your mettle against the One most powerful being in all universes! Elevator is closing in… seven seconds.
Scooby Doo stepped over the left half of Zeus' body and stepped into the Elevator. Kratos was there, waiting patiently, nearly as drenched in blood as Scooby Doo. They nodded at each other.
"Sup." Scoob said.
Sup." Kratos said.
"Killing God?"
"Yep."
"Bitchin'"
"You?"
"Yep."
"Bitching."
The elevator opened. A shining hall made of a material that looked and felt like metallic clouds made up the whole space. A single figure, too bright to perceive, sat aloof on a lone throne.
"Al last, face your death, god!" Kratos grunted, raising his bloodied Blades of Chaos.
The figure exhaled lightly, blowing Kratos into Oblivion.
"Ruh Roh." Scooby Doo said, scared back into his usual cadence.
"Oh, hey Scoob!" Shaggy said, revealing his true form.
"Rhaggy!" Scooby Doo exclaimed. "Rhat's up?"
"Oh, you know, being god." Shaggy said. "What were you going to do, try to kill me?"
"…Rinda." Scoob admitted.
"Why?"
"… I Don't know." Scoob answered truthfully. "I guess once you get Shonen-protagonist caliber powers, killing god kinda just… makes sense."
"I understand that." Scoob said. "But would you rather eat scooby snacks with me and play games?"
"Would I ever!" Scooby Doo sat down in a newly materialized throne beside Shaggy, eating scooby snacks and not having to deal with a single god damn rat-licking antimasker again, at least until the vaccines come out and Scoob gets a reason to go hog-wild on anti-vaxxers again.
The End
ooo
"Wow." Buster Manwomb said, sitting cleanly in front of a scene that was startlingly clean for all the violence you saw and heard at the beginning on the chapter. "I guess you could say that the god we bitch-slapped was the friends and memories we made along the way."
A pause as the rats and a single marmot laughed.
"We're running low on time, so let's time straight into the finale: Sixty-nine hues of mini: JK Rowling suffers actual consequences for being a terf!"
ooo
"Excuse me!" JK Rowling said, peeking under a bathroom stall seconds before getting a black eye. "Your feet are very mannish. You don't happen to have a penis, do you?"
"God, I'm so oppressed!" JK Rowling mewled pathetically in the diner she was eating in. "How could that tran-" before she had a chance to finish that slur, Popeye ate some spinach and threw her outside.
"Ain't no terfs allowed in this diner, hah-kit-a-kit-a-kit (wow is it hard putting his laugh into writing!)" He laughed.
"Waaaah! I'm being treated so badly just for saying that a minority group deserves abuse and persecution!" JKR pissed and moaned right on the sidewalk. "This is cancel culture! It must be why every book I've written in the last decade has bombed!"
Deciding that maybe watching the new transformers movie would cheer her up, JKR went to the movie theatre.
"No way, sucka!" the attendant, who was Mr T with bandages wrapped around his eyes for some reason said. "I can smell a terf from a mile away. They smell like shit! I pity the foo' who thinks that shit will fly here! Get outta here, you crazy!"
"Waaaaah!" JKR whined, going to Twitter for support, only to see that the scant words of supports from other terfs were drowned out by the multitudes of people calling her a terf. "Everyone is hating on me for being a bigot! So unfair!"
"It's not unfair." Trans Icon Harriet Potter flew down from on high on her firebolt.
"Harry Potter, my own creation?!" JKR exclaimed.
"Of fucking course you'd deadname." Harriet rolled her eyes. "I'm beyond your power, now. Look!" Harriet shook a couple of pills bottles in JKRs face. "I used your money to buy my antiboyotics! Later, bitch!"
Harriet flew into the sunset. JKR continued to piss and moan like she didn't deserve it. "I've lost everything! All I have is my untold millions of dollars, my massive mansion, and my steady income from licensing rights! No one has ever suffered as I have!"
Suddenly, a mech piloted by Craig the Triceratops from Dinosaur Office, the raptors from Jurassic Park, Grimlock from the G1 Transformers series, and Joey from Yu Gi Oh crash landed onto JKR's mansion with all the grace and consideration of the pilots in the underrated and short-lived masterpiece Megas XLR. "Trans rights are human rights!" Joey and Craig yelled from the mech as the raptors hacked JKRs bank account and distributed the funds among the masses. Raising the mech's hands, Joey used one of those dumbass game rules that someone used in the tv show but never could in the game and slammed the moon down on top of JKR rowling, flattening her into a book.
Columbo, who was taking off his Hatsune Miku costume because he'd finished all the bits, we'd paid him for, picked up the book.
"Neat!" He said, pocketing it to lead up to the events of 69 hues of Family Friendly: Harry Potter's moist flesh book.
The moral of this story is don't be a terf. Terfs are assholes who deserve to get flattened into a book by moon-wielding mechs.
THE END
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"Wow, not to toot my own horn." Buster Manwomb said emotionally, blowing his nose before doing exactly that. "But I don't think I can see anything more satisfying than a filthy fucking terf getting bitch-slapped by an entire celestial object."
The camera began to zoom away as the Goofy cover of uptown funk began to swell in the background. "That may be all the time we have for tonight, but I want to thank you all for joining me on this confusing and inadvisable holiday escapade!" Buster Manwomb began to wave as the backdrop fell, revealing that the dumpster was on fire, blood was leaking from the walls, and unfeasibly large piles of gangsters in zumba gear were everywhere. "And remember, even if everything is falling to shit around you, it's also falling to shit around plenty of others, and together we can close our eyes, clench our ass cheeks, and make each other laugh through it, because we will get through it!"
The front door of the dumpster slammed shut. The credits roll, basically repeating 'Buster Manwomb' and 'Pizza the Rat' enough times to make Tommy Wiseau tell them to settle down.
THE END
Special thanks to the Friday Night Fanfiction hosts and fans for their character suggestions, and also consisting of 99% of my fan base!
Stay creamy, my peeps, have a Merry Kringlemas, A Dingle Merrymas, a featful festivus, and a productive Terf-slapping Day!
BusterManwomb on Twitter - All Characters in the diddlefic (except me) are ficticious. Any resemblance to the names or persons of real life individuals is coincidental and unintentional, and if you think I'm wrong then that's on you, JK Rowling.