Burning in Silence Chapter 2, a madam secretary fanfic

Elizabeth

Elizabeth practically threw her coat and briefcase onto the floor and headed straight for the kitchen - straight towards soft laughter and the aroma of tomato sauce and a mixture of herbs. It only took one whiff for her mouth to start watering.

"I'm home!" She called out, although that was probably a given.

The sight in the kitchen brought a smile to her face - Stevie and Henry making dinner together while Alison sat at the kitchen table sketching. It made her heart swell, and the smile grows. Even the familiar sound of shooting from Jason's game in the room next door made the smile easy to keep in place. She was right, this was just what she needed to at least fade the silence and feeling into a dull ringing, something she could tune out relatively easily.

"Well, this is a sight for sore eyes." She walked in, kissing the girls on their foreheads as she made her way to Jason so she could ruffle his hair and say hi. The soft protest of 'mom!' making her laugh softly as she walked back in, stopping at Henry's side.

"Hey," She smiled up at him.

"Hey, babe," He gives her a quick, delicate kiss on the mouth before continuing to mix the sauce that was on the stove. "I'd ask if you want to help, but Stevie is determined for this meal to be…" He shoots both of them a quick, wide-eyed look, "... exactly as the recipe says. So that means, none of your cooking skills. Sorry." He gives her a half-hearted shrug.

"Woah, that is definitely not what I said." Stevie declared as she looked up from the deep, round pot her eyes had been trained on since Elizabeth walked through the door. The pot which seemed to be the culprit of the aroma that practically filled the house.

"Well, that's basically what you said. I just-" He waved his hands animatedly as he tried to find the right word, "-worded it differently"

"Well, I am fine with a glass of wine and my Noodle." She grabbed a wine glass and poured a generous amount into it. "Want a glass?" She briefly glanced back at Henry.

"I'm good, thank you, though." He walked up behind her, placing his hands on her shoulder and giving them a gentle squeeze. "Rough day?"

She took a sip of her wine and thought about that question. "More like… long day. The world wasn't burning, for once, but today seemed to last forever.

"Sandwiches-on-a-bench didn't even help?"

"They did... up until they didn't." Okay, so that's technically a lie. Just a tiny little white lie, right? Right.

He turned her around so that they were facing one another, the sounds of Jason's game and the sizzling of the sauce seemingly fading into the distance.

"How about a hot bath after dinner? It's been a long week." He asked as he rubbed his hands up and down her arms.

She took another sip of her wine, "That sounds delightful, but you have to join me." She smiled up at him.

"Sounds like a plan."

"Stop smirking at me like a horny teenager," She quipped with a smile as she slapped him playfully on the chest, "Now, go work on not letting the sauce burn before Stevie decides she needs to re-make it, and we have to wait even longer for dinner to be ready." With a quick kiss on his cheek, she walked away from him and situated herself on the chair next to Alison.

"Hey, Noodle. Whatcha working on?"

"My latest sketch, nothing too special."

"Can I have a peek?"

"Sure. It's not my best work, but it's a work in progress." She gave a small smile and held it out for her mom to grab.

Stevie took that as her cue, "Please, you always say that they aren't your best work, and then they turn out to be breathtaking. They may not be the best to you, but all of them are amazing to us - although, Jason would never admit it."

Alison trained her eyes on Stevie, "If you say so."

Elizabeth took in the sketch in front of her, and Stevie was right. This sketch was amazing, brilliant even. If Alison were to get the materials and make it, it would take breaths away, hands down.

"Oh Ali, this is beautiful. This would, this is just, wow..." She continued to stare before handing it back with a pat on Alison's jean-covered knee, "And, you know, practice makes perfect."

Alison gave her mom a warm smile. Both her mom and dad seemed to always know what to say - the best thing to say to want her to keep going, to get better. She will always be grateful for that.

Her smile only faltered a tad when Jason decided to butt in, "They only say that because they have to."

"Jas-on!" Henry, Elizabeth, and Stevie exclaimed at once.

"We mean what we say, Noddle. Really." Henry said as he walked over to kiss her on her head. "Don't listen to him."

Alison shot him a grateful smile and got back to sketching while Henry finished the sauce, beginning to silently aide Stevie with whatever needed to be done.

"So Stevie, how was your day?" Elizabeth asked after a moment of silence - she did not want that to consume her night.

"It was pretty decent. Russell just had me putting papers in binders today."

"Gotta love that."

"Oh, it was just the best way to spend my day." The sarcasm was evident in her voice.

"Is that how everyone feels about binders? Jeesh, Blake really deserves a raise."

They ate in comfortable silence, only breaking it to have light conversations when someone thought of a conversation starter - with, of course, a dash of bickering at any given opportunity. Elizabeth could feel Henry giving her worried glances every once in a while, dialing back the intervals between each one when she mouthed 'later' before downing the rest of her wine.

That's how they got here, standing in their office; Henry half-standing, half-sitting on the edge of his desk, Elizabeth in the armchair in the corner. She could tell that he was giving her time to find the right words to start, but that was proving to be harder than it should be.

"I have had this… feeling, almost all day. It started when I first got to work, and then after lunch, it doubled," She could feel Henry's eyes on her as she gesticulated animatedly, "I have no idea why. Do you feel it too? When you look at the kids, do you get this gut feeling that something is going to happen?"

He looked at her thoughtfully before he spoke, "The same feeling you would get when you were an analyst?"

"Yeah…"

"No, I haven't. But you have, and you know what they say about 'trusting your gut.'"

"I know…" She sighed and leaned back into the cushions that seemed to make her skin crawl, "I just... I don't even know how to explain it."

"Well, if you'd like to try, I am happy to listen." He held out her hand for her to take. "Here."

She took it and stood, "Where are we going?"

"The couch." He led her over to it, which was, thankfully, only ten steps away. He sat, his arms open and outstretched so she could sit - half on him, half beside him, yet in his embrace.

She slid into his open arms as gently as possible, letting the soft touch of his fingers drawing idle patterns on her arms ground her, and the beat of his heart slow the thoughts that swirled wildly and uncontrollably around her brain.

"How can silence be so deafening, so suffocating?" She finally asked after sitting for a moment or two, biting her lip as she thought. "Today has been far from quiet, but I can't shake this feeling, and this silence and emptiness have been wrapping around me all day."

"Well-" He sighed before going on, "-And bare with me, I am going to shove in as many quotes in as possible; 'The quieter you become, the more you are able to hear.'" He shifted so he could at least see half of her face, brushing a piece of hair behind her ear as he continued to gaze at her, "'Being quiet doesn't always signify weakness. Sometimes it takes great strength to find that silence.'" He titled his head and smiled before adding, "And my favorite, 'If there were a little more silence, if we all kept quiet… maybe we could understand something.'"

"As much as I like those…I-I don't think they work. Because today, when everything around me was so loud and chaotic, this 'silence' was so overwhelming, almost agonizing. You'd think after the week the seventh floor has had that some silence would be nice… but, this is far from it, so far from 'nice'. I'd rather be putting out fires left and right."

He pursed his lip before replying, "Okay, so how about, 'silence is so freaking loud?'"

She let out a laugh and twisted so she could see all of him, "Is that supposed to help me? Because, as relatable as it is right now, that's not much of a 'wise and insightful' quote."

Henry re-arranged the both of them so they were sitting across from each other, their knees touching. He kissed her, slowly and softly, letting their foreheads touch momentarily after their lips broke apart. Then, after one... two... beats of silence, in which he used to take one of her hands in his, he looked up at her, taking a deep breath before beginning.

"I'm afraid that's all I got for right now. But I can tell you this: You, Elizabeth, are so full of fire. You burn so brilliantly it's almost blinding. I know that all of this may sound cheesy, but maybe this silence is trying to tell you something, send you a message. Or maybe it's trying to get that flame to burn out. Some people fear the fire, but some people simply become it. You have overcome so much, babe, you have become it, you have found your fire.

He paused, giving her a moment to blink away the tears that had started to pool in her eyes. As she did so, he took in the bright smile plastered on her face. "Your fire doesn't burn and spread like that of a forest fire. Yours is the fire that warms people after a long walk in the cold, or when you sit around the fireplace drinking hot chocolate while it's snowing outside. It's the fire that still blazes gloriously despite those who try to douse it in water. Oh, Elizabeth, never forget that flames must destroy to create a path for new life. And yes, sometimes sparks will fly, but flames burn just as much as they provide, and no matter how much that fire may dwindle, it can re-ignite and come back to blaze more powerful and brilliantly than before."

He caught her chin in his free hand as she dipped her head, gently raising it until their eyes were parallel again, "The world needs that. The world needs that type of fire." He placed his hand over her heart and held it there for a moment before pulling away and gathering the words of the one fire re-related quote he could think of.

"Now, this quote may sound a little self-centered, but I love you, and I love your passion, and I absolutely adore that fire. And that is something I never want you to forget."

"'I was drawn to your flame,

Inspired by your fire,

You set my heart ablaze,

And I burned with desire.

But the rain was heavy

And the wind was strong,

Passion cant burn

Once the heat is gone.

On the coldest nights

I'll look for your glow

Among the burning embers

Of your fiery soul.

I'll sift through the ashes

In search of the spark

That ignited my mind

And lit up my heart.'"

Only then did she let the tears flow freely down her face, taking his words to heart and burning this moment in her memory.

"I will do everything in my power to be by your side so you can fight to keep that fire burning. I will defend you, will have your back, not because I think you need it, but because you have always had mine. Whether you need it or not, I will be there." He leaned in, kissed her forehead, and pulled back so he could look into her eyes, "So if this silence ever begins to be too much to carry, I will carry it with you, and if needed, I will be there to help find that spark - because even fire can provide the lull of a welcoming, soothing sound."

And so they sat there, staring into each other's eyes as they fully digested the conversation they just had - until the ringing of Elizabeth's phone popped their bubble.

*Notes:

Thank you for the lovely reviews! I didn't intend for the first chapter to be so dark and gloomy, so here is a relatively happy and uplifting chapter. This was definitely not where I intended for this to go, I was planning on introducing what would be the main plot, but I got started and well, ended up going with it.

My apologies if this is almost too slow-going - my mind keeps going into a hundred different directions with how to introduce the main plot - as well if this chapter is a little... fire-heavy.

Quotes:

"The quieter you become, the more you are able to hear." - Rumi

"...being quiet doesn't always signify weakness. Sometimes it takes great strength to find that silence…" - Samira Ahmed, Internment

"If there were a little more silence, if we all kept quiet… maybe we could understand something." -Federico Fellini

"Silence is so freaking loud" - Sarah Dessen, Just Listen