Earlier that day, she told him that she was actively thinking about quitting.
Then,
he had to leave
and
she didn't wait for him.
And now, he's drinking his sadness away.
And now, she's laying awake in her bed.
Suddenly, three poundings at her door.
Her heart is racing ; a sudden feeling of uneasiness is settling into her.
Not because she doesn't know who it is.
Oh no.
She knows.
That's what's making her feel that way. Him. At her place.
Three loud poundings in the middle of the night ? After what happened this afternoon ? : this is not going to end well.
But she opens the door anyway. Because it's Mulder.
When she sees his face, hers immediately falls down. Her mind is racing : what should I tell him ? Why is he here ?
He enters her apartement.
We can't possibly talk right now. We can't...
That's when she smells it on him. The heavy smell of alcohol.
« Are you drunk Mulder ? »
« I-I-I was until about 20 minutes ago, yeah. »
« Was it before of after you decided to come here ? »
As soon as the words leave her mouth, she regrets it.
And she doesn't know why she said that. Out of fatigue, maybe. Frustration ? Definitely.
But she's getting personal.
And now is not the time to get personal. Not a 3am. Not when he was still drunk an hour ago. Not when you don't even know yet if you two will still gonna be working together.
So, of course, he too, will get personal.
It's only fair.
« What exactly are you implying ? »
I am not doing this. I am not doing this. I am not doing this.
« Go home, Mulder. » Go, go, go.
« No.»
She stares. Her eyes are wide open.
Obviously, this sounded more agressive than he meant it to be.
But she doesn't say anything.
So he reformulates.
Taking a deep breath, he says :
« No... I-I-I want to know what you mean, I want to know what you're implying. »
Oh god. He lied to me.
For she is certain that he's still drunk. Because this Mulder... her Mulder, would not be this tough on her. He would not engage wholeheartedly in a subject matter like this.
Not about them.
Or maybe, just maybe, this is him (finally) trying to be honest with her. About them.
Or is this him having all the feelings, for it is his way to sober up ?
She closes the door.
She knows that she has to give him an answer. Just anything. « You didn't answer my question. »
« You didn't answer mine », he says.
Crossing her arms in front her, she fires back : « I asked you first. »
Typical Scully, he thinks. He also thinks that he's gonna have to hang on in there if he wants to receive an honest answer from her. But he's gonna hang on, no problem. She's worth it.
« I'm here because I want to be here. »
« Why ? »
He's taken aback by this question.
« I don't understand what you mean. », he says.
« We're not going to be working together anymore Mulder, so...why coming in here ? »
« Is that what you want ? »
Oh God. What is it with him and his questions tonight ?
I said I'm not gonna do this. Not now.
« Did you come here to talk about work ? »
He stares, baffled.
« Maybe I was. »
She chuckles and looks down at her feet.
He's unbothered.
« Yeah, yeah, maybe I was. » A beat. « But it's not important now anymore if you decide to leave. »
« Why is that ? »
« Because this work is a two persons's job. I never thought of the X-files like this before you came in but it's true. I found the X-files, yes, but you, you make the work go on. »
« And how do I do that ? »
« By being you. By doing what you do best.»
She stares at his torso. But really, what she's staring at is the void. The total blankness.
His tone is getting more heartfelt. « Tell me this isn't how you think of yourself in all this too ? »
Now, his voice cracks. Just a little bit : « Or your attitude right now is just you wanting to get away from me as fast as you can. »
He did it on purpose.
It's not a question.
It's a statement.
Because a question does nothing but drag their misery a little bit longer.
A statement shakes things up. A statement provokes a reaction.
And he was right.
She straightens her posture, she straightens her arms. She looks at him straight in the eyes and, calmly, she says :
« I don't want to get away from you Mulder. OPR wants that. »
« And I told you once that if I had to leave the FBI, I would find a way to work in the paranormal somehow. »
He's not going to give up. Not on her. Not on this conversation.
She knows that now.
He's pouring his heart out, and she cannot dismiss him anymore.
The more she denies him true answers, the more she's hurting him.
And on this thought, her heart's ache is as deep as her love for him.
« I don't want to stay away from you Mulder. In any way, shape or form. » She pauses. « But... the thing is... I feel like you, in the other hand, will never be able to stay away from the work. »
A beat. Severals, actually.
« Are you asking me to choose ? »
She doesn't answer him right away. Instead, she walks past him. He turns around. She's still up but leaning against her couch.
She looks down at her feet for a few seconds, then straight back at him.
It's time.
« No... of course not, Mulder. What I think is you're a man of many passions. You're driven. I also think that you want to tell me that you're in love with me. »
He holds his breath.
« But you know that you love your job too. And that's why I will never ask you to choose to stop loving one thing over the other. You will never be able to. »
He nods, slowly. He knows she's not finished.
She comes closer, raising her head to him, just a little bit.
« But what I'm asking you is to balance it all. What I want from from you is to acknowledge that loving your work is no the same as loving me. You associate me with the X-files but my needs are different. »
She's searching his face for a reaction that does not come.
I need to take on an another angle, she thinks.
« Mulder. » She takes his hand. « Your big thing in life is your quest, am I wrong ? »
He doesn't answer. She takes that for a yes.
« You always think about it. You live for it. In some level, I understand that. I am, also, a dedicated person. I was one when I entered med school. When I set my mind on something, that's all I can think about. But at some point along the way, when I feel like everything is getting too much to handle, I always stop to ask myself : what's the bigger picture here ? »
Now she's holding both his hands.
« Today, my bigger picture is you and me. Always. We are the bigger thing above anything else, everywhere, against anything. The X-files will always find us or we will find them. But one thing I know for sure is that there will never be anything like us ever again. This… this relationship that we have is a once in a life time chance. And I don't want to let it slip away. I just..don't. »
They stare at each other. They are still holding on each other's hands.
It's his turn now. He knows it.
He looks up at the ceiling. « Now that I think about it, I think I never had a bigger picture. » He looks back at her. « Sounds nice, tho. »
She looks back down again, chuckling.
He smiles too. He loves her smile.
She looks up at him again but he looks down « No, it's uh... » He plays with their hands for a bit.
He's getting nervous.
He looks back up again. « I'm a 'live day by day, live to fight another day kind of guy', you know ? I'm uh... » A beat. « For as long as I can remember, it's always been all about Samantha. And then the X-files came along so it's been all about Samantha and the X-files. » He pauses. « I'm human, Scully. Of course, I think about love and I think about what if today I meet the woman that I will love for the rest of my life. I think about it. But then I stop myself because I'm not thinking about Samantha anymore. »
He chuckles. But it's a sad one. Then, he shrugs. « Maybe I got it all wrong, maybe Samantha is my bigger picture then. Maybe I don't want to get in a relationship because I wouldn't be giving myself a hundred percent to it. Maybe I know before it even starts that I will fail it. »
She can't stop herself from asking. « A relationship is a distraction for you ? »
« Not with you. »
She's taken a little aback. Not so much by his answer as to how he didn't hesitate a beat before giving her this truth.
He continues. « That's the thing, Scully. You're not a distraction. With you, I open up about my sister. I never did that with any other woman in my life. You make me want to open up. But there's a limit to it. I don't want to drag you with me to some places. »
She's got that look. That puzzled one. The one she's giving him when he's explaining one of his latest theories to her and she's trying to understand (believe) what he's saying. She's always having a hard time. But she's trying.
He loves that look, too.
He continues. « I told you things about Samantha's abduction. Factual things. But I never told you stuff about me. Me and the abduction and what the inside of my head looked like ever since. And, Scully... you don't want to go there. It's a bad place Scully, a really bad one. » A beat. « You would run away. »
She lets go of her right hand and cups his right cheek. « And what kind of partner would I be if I did that ? What kind of partner would I be if I didn't carry some of that burden with me ? »
She doesn't let go of his cheek. « You and us will always be the bigger picture but I promise you, Mulder, for as long as we are together, I will not run away from Samantha, and the monsters and the conspiracies, as dark as it gets. Some time for them, some time for us, okay ? »
He looks back down. She rubs his cheek with her thumb.
He knows she's waiting for an answer. Anything.
He doesn't meet her eyes but he nods, slowly. She knows this nod. It is louder than any other words.
But he says it anyway, just to make sure this is happening. « Okay. »
He's still looking down but there's something else he needs to know too. Again, just to be sure. « Does this means you will fight OPR ? »
He just hears it. « Yes. »
And he lets out a breath he didn't even know he was holding.
She holds his chin with her finger. « Look up. »
He does. Right away.
« I want to kiss you now. »
« I thought you wanted me to leave. »
They chuckles. She gets on her tiptoes. He wraps his arms around her waist.
And they kiss.
He can't tell how this conversation took place. He can't tell when they decided to be official. He can't tell when she decided to talk about him as « us » and not « you » anymore. It feels like it just...happened. Naturally. Just like them.
When they break the kiss, he notices they moved and they are now both leaning against her couch.
But she has to ask. Because it's Scully. « Mulder, please tell me this is really you. »
She doesn't have to say more. He understands what she means. Of course he does, he's known her for five years now. « To answer your question, I decided to come here after I got drunk. Me being here now was me being stupiditly drunk hours ago. » He stops for a second. « By the way, I got here twenty minutes ago. »
« Yeah, you said that. »
« No, I said I was drunk until about 20 minutes ago. »
She's trying to understand where he's going with that.
« The alcohol started to fade away when I was in the cab on my way here. But still, I wasn't sure. So I walked around your block. Just to be sure. I knocked on your door only when I was certain to be clean. » He cups her cheek. « I wouldn't to this to you Scully. I would never be this disrespectful to you.»
She kisses him again. They are pretty sure of one thing right now : no work will be done tonight.
Then, she takes his hand and leads him. He doesn't where but follows nonetheless.
That's exactly what she's been doing for the last five years, he thinks to himself.
Oh. How the tables have turned.