DECEMBER 24 FRIDAY
A healer tightened a blood pressure meter around Goaty Man's arm.
"I'm fit for flying I know it! Pfft! Women!"
"Sorry," said the healer Ken, who identified as a woman, "but you've been taking a lot of morphine. Those are the air travelling laws."
"But I feel fine!"
When the healer was done in there, he left.
Goaty Man baa'd.
"Women these days. Think they are men. And men think they are women. What's wrong with the world today?"
He reached for his bowl of paper.
"Yule is ruined again. If only somebody could fill in for me. Say, what are you chaps doing tonight?"
"I dunno," James shrugged.
"Can you fill in for me please?"
"Ok."
The chaps returned to the factory. The werewolves were shouting in phones and snorting cocaine. But it looked like all the toys had been packed and put in the great big sack.
"Can someone help us find some horns?" James asked. "We're filling in for Goaty Man."
Riff Raff found him some goat horns left over from lunch glued to a helmet.
"Goaty Man's room is just up the stairs."
So the chaps went up those stairs, and found Goaty Man's room.
Sirius searched a wardrobe and found a fur coat.
"Oh yes," he stroked it, "it's real."
Remus put away his spray can.
"I can spray it later."
James took the fur coat and put it on.
"So who wants to me mrs Goat then? And guys, try not to fight over the part."
Goaty Man had a granny-type wife and two kids. Therefore it was decided, after a democratic voting, that Remus was to dress up as mrs Goat because of his "intrinsic granny-like qualities".
"You must have some awesome grannies," said Remus and put on the wig.
Sirius put in Lizzy Goat's bow and Peter was made to wear Little Goat's propeller hat.
When they were done in there, they went outside to the great big sleigh. The sack had already been placed in the back. Sirius and Peter sat on either side of it, while James and Remus hopped in the front.
James went: Yaa! Yaa!, and the goats began to fly.
They soared over chimneys and dropped presents in chimneys. Peter felt a package.
"They're all the same shape and size," he said.
"Must be those modern wrappings," James reasoned.
Sirius unwrapped one present. It contained a rabbit's head. Sirius dropped it in James's lap for a laugh. James nearly crashed into a church tower.
"What the hell!" James threw the rabbit head out of the sleigh. "All that's missing is a horses's head, and that I'm in bed."
"The presents are all rabbit heads," said Sirius.
"What?" James looked over his shoulder. "But why? Why would they do such a thing? Is it a curse?"
"Don't ask me! I don't speak werewolf!"
"Maybe they mistook the sack for a bin," Peter suggested. "And put the real presents in the bin!"
"That actually sounds plausible," said Sirius.
But Remus seemed to be huffing in the front seet.
"What are you huffing and puffing for now!" Sirius asked.
Remus turned around in his seat.
"Well," he said, removing the pince-nez, "If you had to slave at a factory for people who oppressed you, making gifts for children who would grow up to oppress you, would you not stuff a sack full of rabbit heads if you had the chance?"
"I suppose that is exactly what I'd do."
Remus reached back and began to drop rabbit heads in chimneys with Sirius.
Until they could hear sirens.
"Shit! Aurors!" said James and whipped the goats.
"What are you doing? You have to pull over!" said Remus.
"I'd rather not spend the night in jail."
"If you don't pull over we will all spend the night in jail!"
"No, if I pull over we will spend the night in jail. If I don't we won't, that's kind of the point!"
"You can't argue with that logic," said Sirius and began to throw rabbit heads behind him.
Remus reached back and tried to take the sack.
"Stop that!"
"This is for the oppressed werewolves werevrywhere!"
"No it's for the kicks you get from showing off how edgy and non-conformist you are!"
"So it's ok to drop rabbits until the aurors show up huh is that what you're saying?"
"WELL YEAH!"
Remus kept trying to take the sack from Sirius, Sirius kept holding on to it and throwing presents on Remus's nose.
"Stop rolling around back there!" said James. "You're making the flight shaky!"
He pulled Remus back in the front seat.
"Will you stun them or something!"
"As long as we don't stun them they won't stun us if we pull over!"
"If we stun them they won't be able to stun us that's kind of the point!"
"You can't argue with that logic," said Sirius and gripped his wand to jellify the flying auror moped behind them.
They sped past a red light. They sped until a magic hit the sleigh, that slowed it down to a stop. An auror pulled up beside them on a moped.
"Do you know how fast you were going?" the auror asked.
"Do you know how fast YOU were going?" James asked back.
Remus hid the flask of vodka.
The auror removed his helmet. The chaps screamed.
"Sergeant Moudacouscous!"
Of the Yard.