Beta: paleseptember10

I was not expecting to receive this many reviews, thank you all so much!

So many of you asked me if this is going to be a cheat fic, I don't want to lead you into thinking in any direction and I don't want to spoil anything, so I'm going to say no comment. Keep speculating!

I did say that this story comes with a lot of warnings and maybe it would help a bit more if I call them trigger warnings? It's all I can offer, sorry.

I

November 2019

It was two in the morning, and he had no idea what had just transpired in that bar. He was so buzzed that he didn't even do a double take when he saw the Audi SUV miraculously parked at the curb. He just opened the door and climbed in.

"Sir," Taylor turned around from behind the wheel. "You need to wait here, I will be right back."

He nodded, having half a mind to yell at him that he wasn't drunk so there was no need for him to be spoken to like a child.

Once the door closed, and he was now locked inside the car, he leaned back fully against the headrest and started to replay every scene from the past few hours. His phone vibrated once again but he made no attempt to check it.

His head felt light, and the last glass of water helped a little by washing away the beer smell that was oozing out of him the moment he exhaled. The girl was a keeper, according to the bartender but that was about as much as he could remember about her since that was when he was closing his tab.

He could barely recall what he had said exactly in the bar, but he felt like there was less weight pushing down on him. Somehow, he could breath better now.

With a deep and cleansing breath, he reopened his eyes from the recollection and went in search for his vibrating cell.

As if the ordinary vibration method wasn't enough of an indicator, he brought the bright offending screen to his refocusing eyes and read the caller ID.

It was no one important because it wasn't Ana.

Silencing the ring, he let it go to voicemail before picking it up to check for any missed calls or messages from Ana, but it seemed like everyone else but his wife remembered him. Clearing his notification center, he wanted to haul the phone as far as he could but he was locked inside his own car like a prisoner who would bolt… from the real life.

"Sir," Taylor got in front, jolting him out of his blank state of mind. He turned his attention over but said nothing. "Here's the NDA I had her sign."

Right under his nose was a thin manilla folder that couldn't be more familiar to him, and he hadn't seen it in months other than in a work setting.

He took it numbly and opened it, pulling out the content to examine them routinely despite registering nothing until he saw a string of numbers at the bottom of the page just beneath the dotted signature line.

The car glided on to the empty street smoothly just as he was gradually registering what he had done tonight.

No matter how relaxing it was, how good it felt to behave like a normal guy without someone freaking out on him every other minute because of his public identity as a good-looking, wealthy businessman. The moment his reason caught up to him as he stared at the document in his hand, he realized that as addicting as the feeling of being ordinary felt, he was still an extraordinary man by nature.

And he had probably, for the umpteenth time, disappointed the one person that he had once sworn in front of all their family and friends and to the public he'd never let down.

The wedding band weighed heavily on his left hand, and as it caught light from the passing streetlamp, even the reflection felt like some kind of mockery to him.

To hide that ring from his direct sight; to temporarily forget about what it symbolized, he thrusted his left hand into his hair, allowing his fingers to get tangled up with his messed up curls. He didn't feel bound by that band, it wasn't restricting him, because he truly didn't want the band to lose its significant meaning.

What was confusing and conflicting to him, however, was the feeling of being insignificant among a crowd where no one would look at him differently because he accomplished more than average human beings.

He liked that.

He enjoyed that solitude because it somehow made his inner turmoil seem insignificant compared to all the problems that those strangers had out there.

Perhaps that was where the problem laid—he liked what had happened in there. It felt… freeing.

But, at the same time, he felt like he had betrayed Ana's trust, and had been unfaithful to her.

He had let a stranger into their private life, and he allowed himself to talk about their domestic problems to someone none of them had even met before. Despite the fact that he was vague when he said everything but it was still a reflection of their marriage.

And, that was supposed to be intimate.

The feeling of guilt and the idea that he might've cheated on her unintentionally only strengthened when he stepped through the foyer and on his way tiptoeing toward the bedroom only to find the lights in the dining room still on.

He straightened his back and sported a frown as he was drawn toward the illumination. The sight presented to him floored him, and flared up the guilt and every hate he felt for himself and his actions earlier.

On one of the chairs was his sweet, beautiful wife, her head cradled in her arms as she crouched forward asleep on the table, atop of an open book.

Automatically, he reached for her and scooped her up. Forcing the pain and the panic out of his head, he pulled her body closer and let her head fall against his chest. She stirred with the movement, and her hands crept up his front, finally resting on his shoulders limply. He forced himself not to freeze and told himself over and over again to trust her with his physical boundaries even in her sleep, and he made their way to their bedroom.

She weighed like nothing in his arms compared to how heavy the guilt was currently pressing down on his shoulders.

There was no way that he could go to sleep with what now seemed to be turning into an emotional turmoil inside him. His stomach rolled but he didn't want to vomit; he was just disgusted with himself.

Instead of spending another second in that bed with her, he shed his clothes and attempted to wash off the smell of alcohol in the shower.

That was proven a fruitless effort as he sat down before his grand piano, and all he could focus on was how his breath smelled just as bad as it did in the car. At that moment he wasn't even sure if his current odor indicated that he was in a better state than actually being drunk on hard liquor.

His trip downtown did nothing but further complicate the situation.

He went out to get some fresh air and hopefully some perspective. Simply clearing his head would've been a better outcome. Yet, he was back in his place, reeking of the disgusting odor that resulted from his beer intake, and feeling even more fucked up and worse than shit.

Standing up, he shuffled back to the now darkened dining room and with the help of the light shining from his phone he picked up the open book that Ana was reading. Half expecting it to be a baby book, he breathed out in small relief when he saw that it was one of the classics from their library.

He desperately needed Flynn's help. He was the only one that knew about his mind and how it operated and could offer some kind of aid at the same time. For once, he was desperate to hear what the overly expensive charlatan had to say. He promised he would pay attention this time, unlike all the previous times where he would scoff through the entire session, calling him a bullshitter through and through.

If he had the courage to talk to Ana about what happened tonight, much less confess to what he had been doing for the better half of it, he had lost them all come next morning.

Like the coward he was, he convinced himself that he needed space to clear his mind and wrap it around the fact that he was going to become a parent, so he took off the first chance he got after he woke up from the piano stool where he had dozed off, with a sore back.

Taylor eyed him suspiciously, silently asking if he was actually fit to go to work but he ignored the concerned gaze. Robotically, he took out the documents and flattened out the papers, but the words were floating disorderly.

He dug the heels of his palms into his eye sockets and yelled at himself to focus. He was trying, his brain was trying, but they just wouldn't cooperate. He grabbed his phone and dialed Flynn's number again.

It rang out.

On his home screen, it showed that it was barely six in the morning on a Saturday. For a family man like his therapist, it was obvious that he wouldn't be available on the weekends no matter how much he was paying, let alone getting up at the crack of dawn just to hear about his issues. Christian thought about leaving a voicemail expressing his dissatisfaction but decided against it just before the words tumbled out.

The screen lit up again with a new email notification but that wasn't what caught his eyes; it was the picture of Ana as his screensaver that got his attention. He missed her but his unwillingness to accept a child into his fucked up life piled on with what he had done yesterday made him the biggest asshole in the entire world, and he couldn't face her. He couldn't see the disappointment that was on her face when he confessed.

A small part of his conscious was nagging him to tell her but the bigger part thought it was better that she didn't know, for it was better that she was angry at him instead of hurt and disappointed.

What he didn't know was that she was initially angered, even enraged by his reaction to her news but when he failed to show up at breakfast the next morning or even as much as reach out to her, that fury turned into sadness.

For the next several days, he avoided her. He went to work early and came back home late. She could barely catch a glimpse of him, and she couldn't even determine if he was sleeping next to her at night, or if he even came to bed at all.

And then, December came.

…

December 2019

Ana sat at the breakfast table alone with her food, the TV was on as if Christian was here and everything was normal. The anchorman blabbed on about the outbreak of some kind of new virus that would cause pulmonary failure, and show symptoms including pneumonia.

She tried to pay attention to the news since the affected country was just across the pacific, but her mind was all over the fact that communication was the key to a successful marriage and relationship. That was the most given advice at her wedding, and right now, they were doing the exact opposite.

She convinced herself that she was going to give him space to let the news sink in. She didn't want a baby either, at so young an age, with so little accomplished; she was just beginning her life. She just thought she had to adjust to make the baby fit into her life, and that she would need Christian to be fully on board.

Given his rough childhood, and adolescence, she thought it was best to wait for him to make the first move instead of pushing him and pressing him on the matter.

However, it had been two weeks already. There had to be some kind of interaction.

It was already extremely uncharacteristic of him to reply to her texts in short simple words, and even rarer for him to answer her phone calls in the same manner. He had been in his head for way too long for it to be normal, and she was determined to get him to talk to her.

After all, it was the start of the next month, it would only be reasonable to start fresh.

So, she waited. It wasn't the first time she tried to stay up late to wait for him but she always ended up falling asleep and waking up to a cold, empty bed as if he had never step foot inside their home.

"Christian?" She mumbled sleepily, already blurring the lines between consciousness when she sensed movements in her surrounding.

"Go back to sleep," he approached her apprehensively but his voice was gentle and soft, with a hint of remorse or sadness. "I'm sorry to wake you."

She blinked open her eyes, and looked at the man; really look at him.

"You're here," she breathed out shakily still unsure if she was hallucinating.

"Yes, I'm here," he reached out to cup her face, the physical contact finally making her believe that she wasn't asleep. "I need to get some work done."

"You need to sleep," she scowled slightly, frowning at the tired eyelids that somehow still remained open.

He struggled and debated with himself to sleep next to her and hold her at night. He knew he was constantly plagued by that daunting moment when he realized what he had done in the bar with the woman. The guilt eased slightly after talking to Flynn, and being reassured that it was not completely unusual for someone to go to the bar to destress through talking. Christian didn't share intimate details, he was vague.

Still, he couldn't seem to brush it off.

"You haven't touched me in weeks, is me being pregnant that unattractive?"

"No!" His eyes snapped toward hers for even saying those incredulous words. "No, Ana, never. I'd never find you unattractive. It has nothing to do with you being pregnant. I'm just really busy these days."

"Whatever it is, it's obviously eating you away. Do you want to talk about it?"

He shook his head slowly, praying that she wouldn't push him further on the subject.

"Okay," she sighed. "I've been giving you time and space, but if you want more time to digest and think, and then make a decision about this, I can give you that, but I'm not giving you anymore space. I miss you, and I don't sleep well without you next to me. So, please, come back to bed and hold me?"

Those eyes, that beseeching tone and the pleading look had him kicking off his socks and stripping off his clothes faster than ever. He still felt conflicted as to whether he should disclose the events in the bar that night, but at that moment he saw that she wasn't mad and decided on the spot that he was going to forget the incident because he wasn't going to see that woman again. The NDA would be filed, and that was it. He was going to navigate through the rest of his feelings with Flynn.

It was only when he fell into bed with his limbs clung to her like a vein did he realize just how desperately he needed to catch up on sleep. For an insomniac, two weeks without sleep was still too much.

Ironically, she was the one who was now laying on her side, wide awake and staring into the darkness. After he stormed out that night, she was completely at a loss as to how she should approach him. She had never seen him so angry before or been on the receiving end of that anger.

It honestly frightened her. She thought he was disappointed but it wasn't her fault that her shot failed, or that he just somehow had the superhuman ability to beat the birth control.

His reaction and withdrawal made her feel helpless. She had no idea what to do anymore because the last thing she wanted was to upset him further, and she could only hope that his seasons with his therapist were working.

She needed him to listen to John for once in his life. Use him as the therapist that he hired and paid huge buckets of money to.

They had barely known each other for five months and the one thing she was absolutely sure of was that he hated to be pressured on matters that he wanted to avoid thinking about.

Case in point when she reached out to him over the past two weeks asking him out to lunch, coming home to dinner, even meeting him for breakfast was an impossible task.

She knew he was avoiding her but for what reason, she didn't understand. It wasn't like she had anywhere to go other than to talk to him to resolve whatever problem they had. He was the only person she could talk to and yet he didn't seem to realize that she depended on him.

She wouldn't have reached out tonight either if she could stomach the thought of sleeping alone another night, not to mention the fact that her checkup was in a week and she was really hoping for him to come along.

To remotely think that the appointment might change his mind about babies would be a stretch but she was still hoping for the support, even though on some level she could already imagine him giving her shit the entire time they were at the hospital because he went against his will. That probably would be counterproductive, and subsequently upset her even more.

His breath evened and his arms loosened slightly, and she could feel them on the back of her neck as he inhaled her scent in his sleep.

She sighed heavily. She clearly didn't plan this whole thing out because she was expecting a fight from him when she asked him to join her in bed, and she was going to just toss it out to him, but when he fell for her puppy dog eyes and complied, the entire night took an unexpected turn for her.

And now, she was too stressed to fall back to sleep.

Marriage wasn't supposed to be this stressful, right?

…

Although she could feel his physical presence next to her every night, it would be gone the next morning when she woke up. Sometimes, she could find a note on his pillow indicating that he had indeed been there last night; but most days, she would find no trace of evidence that she wasn't dreaming about his presence.

"Christian, I have an appointment with Dr Greene on Friday, can you come?" She got up super early one day just to catch him because she didn't need one more thing for him to bitch about. She thought it would be best to inform him sooner rather than later.

Just in case his mercurial mood flipped on her.

"When?"

A small flame of hope ignited within her but she didn't dare let her hopefulness show in anyway shape or form, she just took it as a tiny development. Perhaps he was more open to the reality of them starting a family.

"After work. Does that work for you?"

"I'll check my schedule," he looked up catching her beaming smile, and his heart skipped a beat. He had been noticing that she had began to research pregnancy and starting a family, while he was slowly trying to accept this new reality.

It was easier said than done and he really wanted to adjust before he pushed her away completely like he would've had he not allowed her to touch him that night.

When he married her, he knew that he was still fucked up but just with less obvious symptoms than before. He knew that he had to tread carefully sometimes just in case he had accidentally ticked her off and acted like an asshole about it.

Still, he wasn't prepared enough. He worried that if he couldn't balance the right amount of sulking on his own by avoiding her, and letting her in, she would eventually hit her limit. He already knew that she had the patience of a saint, and he was doing his best not to take it for granted.

It just wasn't that easy, especially for someone who had never been sorted out his entire life.

There was still a gap between them over the issue, and the lack of physical interactions with her had been driving him crazy—borderline insane—but he was glad that it didn't stop her from skipping over to peck him on his lips.

"Thank you, Christian."

Her sincerity made him want to get over his issues quicker and right now he still couldn't quite summarize what exactly he was afraid of regarding parenting.

"Lunch today?" She lobbed at him casually before leaving for work Sawyer, as if she should take advantage of his surprisingly good mood this morning.

He nodded, finding himself rather agreeable this morning. Nothing had changed other than the fact that he was slowly coming to a realization that he might lose his wife if he didn't make a decision or at least start to consider his choices about the baby.

He had to list the pros and the cons and quite frankly, he couldn't see a way to avoid having this baby because as much as he had thought about it, and had been disgusted that it had been one of his first thoughts, he would never actually follow through with a termination. He just couldn't do it, and he knew that if he was going to have this baby with her. He would be fully invested and he would have any healthy baby that arrived along with her not being in danger in any form.

He would always choose her, there would be no argument. He didn't even have to think or blink, it would always be her no matter what. They could make another baby but he couldn't find another wife.

And therein laid his most significant insecurity—what if Anastasia wouldn't choose him?

…

"I need to go to Silicon Valley for a conference," he announced after greeting her at the elevator and taking the food from her hands. Sawyer disappeared with Taylor, exchanging a worrying glance with each other. Even though on the surface, they appeared like a couple in love and affectionate, as their bodyguards, they could sense the tension just by looking at them from the security camera.

She was fidgety and nervous, and Taylor hadn't seen her behave like this around Grey since she first interviewed him.

He was rigid and stressed like his usual self, but there was a hint of internal conflict with different emotions in his demeanor, and to Sawyer that was out of the norm for all the time that he had worked for him as a member of his security team.

"When?" She sat down gradually and set up their food at the empty space he cleared out for them at the same time.

At the alarmingly worrying look she was sporting on her face, he forced his brain to run through everything that he could possibly miss that was important to her. Then, his face tensed and his face fell.

"I'll be back on Friday."

"So you're going to miss the appointment. I can reschedule it," she offered, trying to be nonchalant about it to hide her disappointment but she still had that crestfallen feeling because she got her hopes up.

"No, I'll be in time for the appointment. When is it again?"

"After work, at 6. I requested it specifically so that there's going to be nobody unnecessary around."

He could see that she had been making efforts to appease him, and he would appreciate it if the fact that she had been focused on this baby since finding out about its existence hadn't been bothering him and eating him up.

He had barely had four months of her absolute devotion, and now the moment a baby showed up, he got tossed aside. He hated that. He wanted all her attention, he didn't want her to get distracted even if it was also his baby.

Physically, biologically, and materialistically… all things considered, he was ready to start a family, to have a baby. He was financially stable, had a loving and healthy relationship with his wife, and they were both young not even in their thirties. He was finally happy, and he felt like the stars in the universe finally aligned, and he could finally breathe and just enjoy life like everyone else. It was every man's dream come true, and he had finally grasped the meaning of the phrase life could be simple.

However, emotionally, he was far from ready. He could barely get used to his life as a married man, and now a family man? Absolutely ludicrous.

"Don't reschedule it, I will make it."

He told her with as much conviction as he could muster, and she nodded believing that he truly did want to try his best to make it to the appointment.

It would be really hard to force someone to attend something when they were extremely unwilling, and for someone like Christian who would hate to disappoint the love of his life, he would rather her think that he got held up at work than he still couldn't come around on the idea of them having a baby together.

She should know by now that he could dictate just how long a meeting would take, and a business shark like him wouldn't be required to attend the conference in full. He could have done it remotely for all he cared, but she had decided not to call him out.

It was a huge step for him and she was willing to give him time, and as much as space she could tolerate, despite the fact that it had been two weeks since the announcement, she was grateful that he still hadn't shut her down completely and she had faith that he would come to terms with the situation.

"That's all I ask for," she smiled sweetly and reached for his hand. He looked up from that contact and when their eyes met he offered her a weak, tentative smile, and hers fell instantly. "Do you want to talk about it?" She prodded as gently as she could manage.

"I've been talking to Flynn a lot lately," he began, still having no idea how much he was willing to divulge to her. A part of him still believed that she couldn't fully understand him, and that frustrated him. She nodded encouragingly. "He said I shouldn't rush myself to get used to the idea of an additional member in our lives."

"You do have eight more months," she agreed, stabbing another forkful of the pasta that she only ordered to appease her husband.

He stared at her and her gullible blue eyes, and at the moment he allowed Flynn's comments to really sink in. He was told that emotionally, he was still a big baby himself that needed to be babysat. While Ana had been doing a great job at being understanding and immensely patient with him, there were still times that he felt like she was expecting too much from him, and he didn't know who to turn to because no one knew him better than her, and yet she couldn't seem to hear him.

This was starting to feel like one of those suffocating, helpless moments, and there was no prettier way to handle where the conversation was turning.

Truth was, Ana was also helpless. Her hands were forced by this turn of events because there were really no other options than to keep this baby and raise them herself. If not for the motherly instinct that flared overnight within her, then the public criticism and the backlash they were going to receive from the media the moment they announced that the baby would be given up for adoption would be enough to convince her that there was only one path.

And, she needed him and his support. She had been understanding, and she had been giving him space and time for him to figure things out with the help from Flynn. But in the end it would seriously crush her if he still couldn't accept their child.

"He says I'm making good progress but I still need time to really wrap my mind around all the things that come with having a child," his hand disappeared into his hair making it messier, the wedding ring barely peeking through the mop of copper curls.

She rounded the table and sat in his lap, offering some kind of physical comfort. Her head laid against his chest and when he didn't protest or pull away, she remained in that position and ran her fingers up and down his forearm.

"Christian, we are in this together. I'm not going anywhere, and as much as I need you to be there for me, I do understand that you need to sort this through yourself because it is such a huge step."

"I opened up to the idea of starting a family with you one day down the line, that's why I bought the house on the Sound," he admitted in a low voice, his hand found her hip as his thumb rubbed against her skin under her skirt. "I just never envisioned it being this soon."

"Did that teach you to stop planning your life, though?" She joked, trying to lighten the mood, and for once, it worked.

Or at least he played along, offering her a small smile that momentarily lifted the darkness from his face.

"I'm still planning."

"My control freak," she giggled, and squealed at the unexpected squeeze on her ass.

"Damn right," he growled in her ear and nibbled her earlobe making her squirm in his lap.

"At the risk of pissing you off, I just have to ask because I'm lost too."

His hands stilled from their exploration, and stress returned to his body. He gently tilted her head by the chin forcing her to look at him and his furrowed brows.

"What are you talking about?"

"Do you feel like I've trapped you?"

"No!" He shook his head vehemently. "Why would you even think that? Have I done something to make you feel like that?"

She shook her head meekly.

"It's just that…" she wrung her hands together in her lap, and shook her head again.

"Ana," his tone hardened. "Talk to me," although the tone softened a fraction it was still a warning.

"It's just that you have been so distant," she said not wanting to give him another reason to be upset with her despite really wanting to not tell him so he wouldn't be more upset with himself. "And there are so many aspects of your life that I don't know about, and will never find out, which I knew when I married you. However, you have never been so emotionally unavailable to me… and, I just don't know what to think or how to approach you. I've never seen you like this and I don't know how to react. I'm familiar to your anger, to your outbursts, you cursing, and everything but I've never seen you so… distant from me."

"You know everything that goes on in my life, Ana. You know me better than anyone."

"Then what are you so afraid of because I'm also scared. You aren't telling me about your feelings anymore, and I've never expected you to tell me everything but I've always expected you to let me in on your feelings."

"I'm sorry," he whispered and pulled her closer to him.

She melted against him and inhaled his scent, this had probably been the closest between them in the past two weeks, the most intimate.

"Don't leave me."

"Christian…"

"I know," he tightened his grip around her, their lunch promptly forgotten. "I know you said that you won't but you will… you will after the baby is born. Your focus is already shifting."

"I'm not, Christian. You're still the center of my universe."

"I don't feel like it."

You still like?

X

Saph T