Beta: paleseptember10

I understand that I'm losing readers left and right with each update, and it's okay because this story isn't for everyone. I just hope that maybe one day, you'll come back to even just skim through it after it's finished because curiosity got the best of you.

V

February 2020

"Christ, I just got used to the idea of having a baby and got comfortable with the fact that I will be touched, so cut me some slacks here, Ana!"

"Are you coming to the appointment with me or not?"

"When is it? You scheduled it without telling me?"

"I thought you have access to everything I do, and my security reports to you anyway, so what's there that you don't know about my daily life?"

"I'm only notified when there's a danger and get debriefed every night. Why are you being so spiteful to me lately?"

"Maybe it's the consequence of experiencing a huge emotional whiplash."

"When is the appointment?"

"In the afternoon."

…

He wasn't used to waiting for responses, he was used to people responding to him the minute it was sent, and this text had been delivered since the day his wife told him that she'd given up on him and chose the baby over him.

Are you in Seattle?

A double kick in the gut was what it was.

Staring at his phone, he pondered hard about going to the bar in the middle of the day, but he did want to go to the appointment with Ana. Despite her basically giving up on him, his latest session with Flynn told him that he should at least make the effort to be consistent, and maybe then, she would slowly warm up to him again.

Other than researching the syndromes that he was told about the last visit, he had gotten very little work done, and given even less thought on how to reason with Ana on the part about the invasive test she was about to get. All he wanted was to talk to that one person who wouldn't reply to him, and it was the very first time that he was reaching out.

"Are you coming, Christian?" Anastasia stood at the door to his home office with her coat draped over her arms as she leaned against the doorframe.

He still hadn't put down his phone, and it had been on the same chat page for a few hours now. Subconsciously, he knew that he should probably bring this up with Flynn but he felt like he was too close to be able to make a sound judgement. He just knew too much about him and about everything, he needed someone with a fresh pair of eyes and a new perspective.

He knew just the person but she wasn't replying to his texts, and he didn't want to call to seem too desperate. Seeing his wife standing right in front of him in flesh, and then to the phone where another woman that he wanted to see in person, it was too surreal.

One was waiting for his answer and one was making him wait for an answer.

He felt like he was in a soap opera.

"Christian?" She asked again, bringing him out of his own mind.

"Yes, I'll meet you at the foyer."

"Should I grab your coat for you?"

"No, I got it," he hastily walked to the door and pecked her on the corner of her lips before disappearing down the hall in the direction of their bedroom to get ready.

He was behaving really weirdly around her lately, and she had thought if it had anything to do with their semi-fight this morning, or the argument they had been having since their last checkup. She wondered if he really wanted to go with her or if it was just out of obligation, or if he was actually taking her somewhere instead of the doctor's office.

When she called him to get his attention earlier, he jumped, and he was never jumpy in her memory. Even if he was guilty of something, he would never show it to people. He would hide it behind anger and still find reasons to justify himself indignantly; even if it meant digging a deeper hole for himself.

"You really don't have to come, Christian. I can do this alone, it's fine. You can go to work."

"Work can wait, Ana."

"You just didn't seem like you want to be here," she lowered her voice to ensure that they weren't being noticed by people as they entered the building leading them to the doctor's office.

"I want to," he assured her and wrapped an arm around her waist to pull her closer as they entered the waiting area. "I also have questions for Dr Greene."

"Mr and Mrs Grey," Dr Greene came out to bring them in personally. When they entered the exam room that was usually void of personnel, it was filled with nurses today.

The couple's eyes bugged out simultaneously at the amount of people present.

"They have all signed the NDA provided by your security despite our insistence that we do honor our patient confidentiality clause."

Ana could detect the dismay in the doctor's voice but she didn't make any comment, because she knew that her husband would demand an NDA be signed no matter what law-binding contract they had with their employer.

"I will need them to assist me today with the procedure, and may I check again that you have both come to an agreement on this regard?"

"Yes," Christian grumbled, still not entirely happy about the outcome but consented regardless.

"Excellent," Dr Greene shedded her white coat leaving her in her scrubs. "Now, I will go through the process with you one more time before we start, and I will also emphasize on the possible risks and consequences."

"Dr Greene, what are the options once we are given the results and the baby has some kind of defect?" Christian asked, stopping the doctor from further preparations once more.

"Mr Grey, understand that if you are unwilling to do the diagnosis, there is still a chance of your wife miscarrying, or other complications may also occur but there is also a chance that your wife is able to carry to term. However, I cannot give you any more specific information until I've got the test results in my hands. I understand that you are hesitant about this," she gestured to the long, thick needle that was going to go through Ana's belly. "But, I only asked the father out of respect because legally, it is the mother's signature that we need, and your input is only helpful to your wife's decision making."

"Fine, keep going," he grunted. Relenting only because Ana was glaring at him, and the thought that he had been waiting for a female friend's reply instead of attempting to smooth things over with his wife had him backing down a notch.

"Thank you."

"What are your suspicions then?" He put his previous question on the back burner for now but in no way was he done interrogating.

"It will be very unprofessional of me to plant unnecessary doubt and worry in the minds of my patients, therefore I cannot tell you about my suspicions. However, I am able to tell you that I am unable to measure the fluid at the back of Baby Grey's neck, which is an indicator that I should offer you the screening test. The diagnostic test results are like hard pieces of evidence, Mr Grey." She went to turn on the ultrasound machine and squirt gel all over Ana's belly. "Once I have the evidence, and it confirms my suspicions, I will present the case to you in full. At this moment, I do not have all the information, and I don't want to let you in on my speculations as it might be incorrect."

"You can't even tell us what you're looking for? Which one of the three syndromes?"

"I cannot be more specific than that. I made observations and I want to confirm it, that's all."

"So, the chances of our baby having some kind of syndrome due to chromosomal disorder is almost a hundred percent certain?"

"Like I said, there may be errors in my observations, and the blood test only indicates the likelihood, so I made a judgement call to suggest a diagnostic test."

"What are our options once the diagnosis is made then?" Christian hated the part where doctors wouldn't say shit about your illness because they tend to assume that every patient would demand to read the test results themselves as if they understood the implications.

It was like, why go to a hospital when your symptoms were so obviously pointing to a certain disease, yet you still had to waste thousands of dollars on some stupid exams just to boost some doctor's ego that they had made the correct diagnostic without the aid of modern technology. What was the patient supposed to say anyway? Christian snorted at his line of thoughts, and that was just another reason why he didn't exactly liked hospitals or any clinics in the first place.

"Ultimately, you have two choices. To terminate or continue with the pregnancy. However, a child born with disabilities requires around-the-clock care from a team of physicians. They also require intricate care and an enormous amount of patience from the parents… okay, stay there, don't move." Dr Greene told the other doctor who was asked to provide ultrasound images so the needle could be inserted.

It was the very first time for her to acknowledge in the most discreet way that she had seen his former partners before, and had possibly deduced more than he'd like her to know about him. He was pretty sure that before they came in, Dr Greene had already formed some sort of opinion toward him given their previous indirect encounters through his former subs. Up until now, he was starting to believe that she was a professional and would behave as such.

The subtlety in her words wasn't lost on him, and if Ana wasn't so focused on getting prepped to be stabbed, she would probably catch that hint. Those seemingly normal words did nothing but the opposite of helping Christian with his mindset growth.

"Would anyone terminate?" Half expecting the doctor to glance at him, she didn't but that couple of sentences were enough to tell him just how she thought of him.

It didn't matter to him the opinion of a doctor of him, it only mattered that his wife wouldn't believe that he'd want to kill their child because there was a chance that she wasn't even going to make it past her first few days after birth.

"It is an opinion," Dr Greene replied neutrally. "Now, Mrs Grey, this may be a little uncomfortable, and you might feel some stiffness, but your skin should be numbed and relaxed in no time."

Ana's fingers tightened around his, and was soon causing all his attention to shift to her. She held up her other hand, silently requesting his spare hand as she channeled all the pain to squeeze his fingers so her expression could remain neutral.

"This really doesn't feel good," she hissed through her gritted teeth as Dr Greene pushed the narcotic drugs into her skin.

"I'm going to insert the needle now. It might cause a little discomfort, but it should be painless. Let me know if you experience any pain or extreme discomfort that is intolerable."

"It won't hurt the baby, right?" Ana clenched her fingers around his, forbidding him from moving away from her head to round to the ultrasound machine where he could see the live footage of the location of the needle head.

Christian squeezed her hand back partly to reduce or divert the pressure put solely on his fingers, but he was also scared as he watched the needle puncturing into her gut.

His phone chimed in his pocket with a new text message, and he somehow just knew that it was her. Perhaps it was because that chime brought up all the guilt that he was feeling as he stood beside his pregnant wife's head thinking about talking to another woman that his wife wasn't aware of.

His guilt didn't originate from what his actions meant but more from because he was doing it behind her back as if he was deliberately making a mistake knowingly. All he wanted was a friend that he could talk to, someone that didn't know him or know of him that could connect with him on some level. The root of the cause was probably for the first time, he felt the consequences of being lonely on some level, and the guilt stemmed from the fact that he sought someone out without introducing them to Ana, especially when he didn't have the best track records when it comes to total candidness.

He truly had no ulterior motives to that woman, and he only saw her as a friend. She helped him more than Flynn did lately, since she was a woman and obviously understood how it functions, and her relationship advice was all he needed from her.

"Your phone, Christian," Ana said with a shaky voice as she attempted to relax little by little when she realized that all the discomfort was all in her head. She actually found the process perfectly tolerable that she was able to notice more of her surrounding.

"Don't worry about it," he leaned down to kiss forehead as a gesture of encouragement and support. "It can wait," he stressed as if to emphasize that nothing was more important than her to himself.

While it was true that she was the single most important person in his life, and that everything else could wait for him, he was still acutely aware of the irony that he was standing right in the middle of the very mess that fucked with his brain and his many preexisting issues, physically.

"What if it's work. I mean, in times like this where even we are strongly recommended to wear masks, surely you need to monitor everything closer than usual," she continued, mainly trying to distract herself from acknowledging the needle sucking out fluids from her.

"It doesn't matter, Ana. Ros and I have been preparing for the order to close all workplace temporarily, and we have been warning our employees." Sensing that she needed a distraction, he continued to talk about mundane work stuff to her. "It will only be temporary, and as for my other subsidiaries, the ones in mainland China are still closed, but that was just a very small portion of the enterprise."

"Okay, Mrs Grey, I am going to pull out the syringe now."

Despite knowing she wouldn't feel anything, her grip on his fingers still tightened on reflex. He could only imagine how much pain he was going to endure once she had gone into labor in the future.

"This might be uncomfortable," Dr Greene warned, and Ana could feel something being pulled out of her, it was numb but still uncomfortable because she could still feel.

Her chest deflated as she exhaled completely the moment she heard the syringe made contact with the metallic tray.

"Lay here and take a few minutes because the local anesthetic will take a while to go away. You may be slightly unsteady on your feet, so take all the time you need now to rest up while I go over the care for your wound and what to expect next. I will also administer an injection preventing your body from producing Rh antibodies that can damage your baby's red blood cells. It is very rare that the baby's blood will enter your bloodstream but we are being precautious here, nothing to worry about."

Christian moved to her side of the bed blocking her way to get off the bed, and she just knew what he was doing. At the risk of causing a scene, she rolled her eyes at him and his overprotective nature. He was still that controlling man she knew despite having been steamrolled by her in the past few days regarding the baby issue.

He glared at her as expected but at the moment, she couldn't care less about how he reacted to her eye rolls because it didn't matter what she had to say, he would be carrying her out. It was kind of sweet of him, she just couldn't feel that sweetness right now because she didn't feel particularly close to him at the moment.

"The process went smoothly without a hitch, and your baby isn't harmed in any way shape or form. I am going to give you some antibiotics in case there's an infection, but again, it is a rare occurrence, so don't worry about it until you start to feel any pain or discomfort in your lower abdomen. There is a small chance that you will experience a bit of leaking of amniotic fluid, but it usually stops within a week. Call me immediately if you are experiencing the following."

Ana took the page from her where symptoms were circled in a red marker.

"Dr Greene," she frowned when she got to the part about fetal movements. "I don't think I have been feeling as much movements from the baby as I should. I looked it up, and some mothers claim that they can feel the kicks around their mid-pregnancy scan. I'm still a few weeks shy of my mid scan."

"It is your first pregnancy, Mrs Grey, so it is normal that you don't feel any movements until closer to twenty-five weeks. So, don't worry too much."

Ana wanted to ask more about her baby's condition but Christian was already shooting off questions left and right before she could phrase her questions in her mind. She knew that he wouldn't care if Dr Greene found him annoying because it was her job to answer all concerns from the patients, but she could tell that some of his worries were unnecessary and the doctor was starting to become vexed.

"Let's go, Christian."

"Are you sure you're feeling better?"

She nodded, and just to make him happy, she held out her arms waiting to be picked up. And that did induce a smile on his face that suddenly made him all that younger.

"You know I can walk right? You could've just let me lean against you," she said in a quiet voice once outside the building as they moved toward the car.

"Doctor's orders."

"She never said that I can't walk!"

"Don't start an argument that you can't win, Ana, and quite frankly, there's no point in arguing."

"We're not arguing, it's not even a fight. I'm just saying, I can walk by myself."

"Me carrying you is safer." With that he shut the door behind her effectively ending all dialogues and rounded to the other side of the car even though she was perfectly capable of shuffling inside the car.

She rested her head against the cool window and frowned when he took longer than usual to get in next to her. Her eyes landed on his only to find him staring at his phone, she sighed. It was always like this and had always been with him, he was just always so busy.

…

Just got to my hotel in Seattle. Wanna meet up?

Christian stared at the text and the first thought that crossed his mind was where did she flew from because if she said it was Asia, then he wouldn't even entertain the thought of meeting with her.

Where did you fly in from?

He was still pissed that it took her several days to reply to him because even if she was preparing for other long-distance flights, she should still have the chance to pick up her phone. Then again, who was he to her to demand that she respond promptly?

Australia. So no worries, besides I got swabbed and it came back negative :D
When and where do you want to meet up?

It seemed a little forward of her, and normally, he would be irritated by this kind of behavior but he did want to talk to her in person.

I will get back to you

He could feel the curious gaze on him from the girl in his car, and he knew that it would be weird of him to not get on the car because he hadn't remotely tried to deliberately hide anything from her since he promised her no more secrets.

"Do you have to get to the office? I can get a cab home."

"What? No! Even if I have to go to the office, I'd have dropped you home first. You still have no idea how important you are to me, don't you?"

"Sometimes?"

Shaking his head as if he felt defeated, in which he did because he had failed to make her feel like she had been cherished at all times. He knew that he could've done better with this whole baby thing, and he had been trying his best to adjust, even if it meant recruiting some girl he met at the bar for help.

His ultimate goal really was to improve his relationship with Ana despite how misleading his secret rendezvous with Brie might seem.

"Come here," he lifted her effortlessly into his lap. "I still need to talk to Flynn to work everything out but I am trying, really trying to be supportive here. I know that I have been in and out lately, and I know that I'm not ready for a healthy baby, let alone one with potential permanent disease. That said, I still have four months to get ready, and I want to be ready when the baby arrives."

"You want to keep it?"

"Of course I want to keep it," he frowned, this time thoroughly affronted by her assumption that he would just give up on them because he wasn't ready to face a lifetime with a disabled baby. "We have the resources, we are already privileged, so why not keep it?"

"I just… I thought you won't want anything to do with me or the baby once you know that it's not going to be a healthy one."

He sighed, leaning his forehead on her shoulder. That thought did cross his mind, especially when she told him so decisively that she was going to choose the baby over him, but Flynn told him to be consistent and he thought he'd give it a try to see if he was capable of proving himself so that she would change her heart about him.

"We should get our genes mapped or something."

"What?"

"Just…" he shrugged nonchalantly. "For future references."

She stilled on him and stared, holding his face in her palms in an almost comical gesture. He grinned cheekily and mouthed gotcha.

"Christian," she said and she was dead serious, and that toothy grin vanished. "Don't get my hopes up like this. We just got used to the idea of starting a family, and so many complications have occurred. Your behavior lately has installed some serious doubt in my head, and I just need time to process your whiplash."

"Doubts? You don't want to be with me anymore? Or you don't want my kids?"

"I want both," she reassured. "I am just really unsure whether this is the right time to start a family. It will crush me if this baby dies."

"I'll be devastated, too."

"I don't think either of us are ready for a child. I'm only twenty-two, and you still have so much emotional baggage to get through. I only just started having sex and getting to know another man intimately; this is my very first relationship and it will be my last. It's all too new for the both of us. We can't handle it, Christian, and I fear that if this pregnancy doesn't go as planned, it will also be the end of us."

"No, we're not ready for a kid, Ana. If it were up to me, I couldn't imagine that I'd ever want kids but I know that it's a dream of yours, so it became a dream of mine. I want to make your dreams come true, Ana, and I want a family with you."

"I think what we are experiencing right now is a nightmare come true."

"Are you going to leave me?"

"Have I given you any indication that I'd leave? I just assured you that I want to be with you and I want your babies."

"No matter how damaged they might be? You know, for all it's worth, the bad DNA might be from me since I have no idea who my parents are and what kind of diseases they have. Given my memories of my birth mother, I'm pretty sure having good genes isn't my strong suit."

"Is that why you wanted a DNA test?"

"Kind of."

"Christian, have you thought of how we're actually going to raise a kid with so many infirmities?"

"We hire a team of professionals."

"It's not that easy. We'll have to be with her."

He nodded.

"Do you think you can do that? Do you think you can handle an unhealthy kid?"

"You think I can't? Ana, of all people, I thought you'd be the only one who'd have unwavering faith in me."

The hurt in his voice struck her deep in the gut, and what was worse was that she had to suck up that punch because this conversation had to continue. It was vital for the care and wellbeing of the little girl they were going to have.

"It's not about what I think, it's about what you think."

"Stop giving me this shrink like bullshit. You don't think I can handle a child like that because I'm such a huge fuck up myself."

"I'm sorry, Christian, but the way you handled the news of my pregnancy assuming it's a healthy kid really doesn't leave the best impression. I'm really sorry, Christian. I just… I don't know how much I can rely on you emotionally, right now. I know that you'll support me."

"You don't trust me anymore? You don't believe that I'll take care of you and our baby?" He placed her back to her side of the seat, almost shoving her over as if she disgusted her, and she knew that her words had hurt him but she couldn't think of a better way to communicate other than be absolutely honest and awfully blunt.

She'd never be so direct with him under any other circumstances knowing how fragile his emotions actually were, but she was at a loss, too. At least he had his therapist to turn to with his problems but she had no one.

She felt trapped in an emotional bubble that she couldn't get out. There was no one she could talk to. It would appall Kate and Ray if she told them about how Christian was when she first dropped the bomb on him, and Kate had never actually been a fan of her husband in the first place. Then there was Elliot who she wasn't close to to begin with, and it just felt weird talking to him about his brother's domestic problems.

It would make her feel like she was going behind Christian's back and betraying his trust.

"I trust that you will take care of me but I'm not sure how much you can handle a baby like that, and I really need you with me."

"You said that I'd make a wonderful father because I care and I supposedly have a big heart."

"You do, and I didn't lie. I do believe that you're going to be the best dad in the world, but caring for a baby with a permanent fatal illness is going to make you feel all kinds of helplessness and your hopes are going to be shattered over and over again. It would crush you again and again, and every time you'd have to stand back up because your baby needs you even though you and her both know that miracles aren't going to happen."

"We have the resources."

"Christian, no amount of money can buy a life back. More likely than not, the baby's going to be born with some kind of terminal illness, and there's nothing we can do about it. I can't do this alone…"

"And you don't think I am strong enough to stand by your side through all of this?" He huffed loudly, more than offended and hurt by her accusations. "Ana, we've come all this way, and you're giving up on me now? I don't know if you leaving me would be a better scenario in this case."

And that very last statement rendered her speechless—she knew she had crossed a line.

…

"No beer today?"

He emptied his glass and signaled for another one, only then did he twist his head only enough to study the woman taking the only unoccupied seat next to him.

"We're not supposed to be in places like this, you know, crowded with people."

He twisted his body around and scanned his surroundings. Nope, he wouldn't deem this a crowded place. Sure there were drinkers here and there, but they had adhered to some kind of social distancing rule, and he thought it was already far more controlled since this bar was his and he had purposefully sealed off this section only allowing very few people in.

"What happened to you? You were so talkative the last time we met, and you told me all about your sorrows, and you didn't even bother to tell me how did that apologetic speech go with your wife? Did it work? I'm gathering that it didn't since you're here nursing something way stronger than a beer."

Still so chatty like every time they talked. He only hoped that she wasn't like this over text because if she was, he probably never text her much less call her for advise in the future.

"Come on, man, start talking. Your drink is here, and it smells bad but I guess it's a strong one. Talk," she demanded playfully.

"Single Malt Scotch," he humored her, raising his glass as if to toast.

"Whatever that is, I don't like it. I'll have my vodka shots even though I don't feel sad today."

He shrugged, he still didn't care what she liked or what she felt like drinking…

Sometimes, he just liked her company. She was a chatterbox, but not too forthcoming like Mia who would demand his attention every so often. He couldn't even remember the reason why she had shots the first time they met, he just knew that this girl seemed really experienced with serious relationships and that was all he needed from her.

"I'll take a shot for each thing that's been bothering you, and I'll close your tab, so I hope you're not going to get me drunk tonight." She giggled and winked at him, flirtatiously, but he took it as being playful and brushed it off.

"It would be really impolite of me to let you take care of such an expensive bill," he smiled teasingly at her, and she caught the undercurrent she just wasn't sure if he meant it that he didn't have to pay.

"Whatever, just spill. It'll make you feel better."

When he didn't, she scooted closer to him.

"Come on, talk!" She encouraged him. "Fine, I'll start."

"No, I'll go," he rushed out and she laughed. Guess she knew that he wasn't the least bit interested in her tales.

To those that are sticking by me, and are determined to stick by me until the end of this story, thank you!

This is only a 15 chapter story and roughly 75k words, so there is no way that I am dragging this on. If I am truly milking everything, it most definitely won't be just 15 chapters, and it will most definitely be over 100k. So, to those who are whining that I ain't moving forward, don't you worry your pretty little heads about it, trust me, I am moving on; fast. But, I'm sure you'll find something to whine about later on, so never mind me!

Keep those reviews comin' ya?

X

Saph T