Songs: Oceans by Seafret and Fire Escape by Matthew Mayfield.

Chapter 4- Elliot

7:50 p.m.

"Are you finally coming to your senses?" she smirked as her top teeth nipped at his thumb.

"Hardly," he said through breaths. If she was going to challenge him, he was going to challenge her back. He let his other hand grab her neck, and she moaned. It wasn't a sigh or a stop. It was a moan, and it was the only prayer he needed.

"Father I have sinned. I've turned my back on everything that makes me good."

He let his thumb abandon her open mouth and tangle instead in her hair. God, he wanted to smell her hair. She was so sweet.

He leaned into his fate, and she was going to meet him on the brink of destruction, and he had faith that she wasn't going to save him this time.

Then he saw her eyes. Those eyes brought him to his knees every time.

Sad eyes.

"What are your kids' names?"

"Maureen is the oldest. Kathleen is the middle kid, and don't tell anyone, but she might be my favorite. Elizabeth and Richard are twins, but we call them Lizzie and Dickie."

"That's a name to saddle a kid with."

laughs

"How about you? Any kids? Siblings?"

"No…nope, no kids, no siblings."

"Ah."

"So, a husband? I know it's the feminist thing these days to forgo the diamond, and I don't know what other prefixes you use beyond detective."

"No husband."

"Wife?"

laughs

"Nobody."

Olivia made him want to be better. A better cop, a better partner, and a better man. Olivia had been disappointed her whole life. No one bought her dinner. She ate alone most nights. It killed him inside because he wanted to be somebody in her life, but he had to claim his chair at his family's table. He wished he could set a plate for her in his home.

Olivia was not a mistress, and he would be a horrible person to make her one. He wanted to kiss her, and he wanted to make her dinner, and he wanted to fuck her, but dammit, he couldn't do any of it. He could be her partner. That's all they could have.

"Olivia, I'm so sorry," he said as he let his lips press to her forehead instead.

"Thank you," she sighed, and he could hear how the emotion strained in her words. Thank you for not making me something I never want to be. He could hear her truth, and it burned him inside.

"Always, Liv."

"Only my friends call me that."

"I am your friend," he whispered against her forehead.

"Friends don't do that."

"You need to get better friends," he chuckled as he pulled back from her and then searched her eyes. Are we going to recover from this? He asked her silently.

"I have plenty of friends."

"Then why are you standing here with me?" he laughed.

"You are the one that came here, partner."

Yes. Yes, we will recover from this, Elliot. He took comfort in the secret language they had developed.

"I'm going to get going, gotta scrub spaghetti sauce off the walls."

"Oh boy."

"Night, Liv," he said as he reached for her doorknob.

"It's Olivia."

"We'll get there," he joked as he let her door fall shut. If he could call her Liv it meant he could be her friend. Just her friend. Her partner.

He fought back sobs the whole drive home.

Stabler Residence / 9:00 p.m.

"Did the kids have fun?" Elliot asked as he stood with his back to his wife and unbuttoned his dress shirt. She was sitting on the edge of the bed, and he could feel her eyes on him.

"Sarah got a stomachache and had to go home early. I'm sure we'll be woken tonight when the cookies don't sit right with another kid."

"Hmm."

"I'm just glad Lizzie is making friends," Kathy said.

"Our shy one," Elliot said as he turned around and faced his wife.

"You were home late tonight?" she said in a soft voice. It wasn't accusatory, just routine. He hated how often he made her speak those words.

"Work…" he began, but she cut him off.

"You'd tell me, right?" her blue eyes welled up, and he wanted to send his fists through a wall. All the women in his life were looking at him with sad eyes, and he was failing everyone.

"Tell you what, Kath?" he asked, but he knew what she was asking.

"If it's happening again, the long nights after work, the extra drink, the partnership thing that I can't understand."

"Olivia isn't Jo," he said as he cleared his throat, images of his thumb on Olivia's lip assaulting his mind as he lied to his wife.

"I wish you talked to me."

"I am talking to you."

"What do you and Olivia talk about?" Kathy asked as she placed her palms on her crossed knees.

"We talk about you," he said, and that provoked a shocked look from his wife. What did Kathy make for the slumber party?

"I expected you to say you talked about the cases, the things you can't tell me about."

"That too," Elliot said as he crossed his arms over his bare chest.

"She seems like a good person," Kathy said as her eyes looked from him to the door. Elliot didn't say anything; he didn't want to talk about Olivia. He didn't want to talk at all. He wanted to turn off the lights and be left to his own thoughts. He needed space to process his loss, but space wasn't an option in a marriage. He dragged his eyes back to Kathy.

"You should invite her to dinner," Kathy said in a tone that made his heartbeat quicken.

"Kathy…"

"We had Alfonse over all the time," she retorted, and her eyes darkened with knowing. Olivia was not Jo, but she was also not Alfonse. Elliot swallowed as he realized the secret loomed in the four feet between them.

"She's your partner," Kathy said, "I think it's time I get to know her better," and Elliot realized his heart couldn't handle anymore tonight. He wanted far away from the reality of his life.

"I'll ask her," Elliot said through a tight smile. The thought of having his wife and his partner in the same space made his chest tighten.

"Good." Kathy said as her eyes swept over him, as if she was looking for traces of Olivia. He paced to his side of the bed and pulled back the covers. His body dipped into the bed, and he almost wished Kathy would send him to the couch. He'd done enough wrong to warrant it.

"Kathy, I saw Olivia naked today."

"Kathy, I went to Olivia's apartment."

"Kathy, I don't want to sleep in our bed tonight."

"Goodnight," he said instead as he patted her hand and prayed that she would accept that as a signal that he'd done all the talking he could manage for one night.

"You're not on call tomorrow?" Kathy asked as she flicked off the light and rolled into him. His body startled at her touch. He wanted badly to ask for space, but he knew the request would incriminate him.

"Free as a bird," Elliot said as the word free burned his tongue. If he were free, he knew where he'd be.