A/N: This chapter jumps ahead to season six. The chapter will reference events from 'Doubt 6x08', 'Weak 6x09', and 'Contagious 6x011'- The events in this chapter take place shortly after those episodes.
Chapter 6- Elliot
December 2004
Five years of mastering boundaries had been shot to hell with three simple words.
Kathy left me.
Olivia had chased after him demanding to know what was going on with him and he let it slip. He knew part of the reason he did was because he wanted to see the look on her face when the news hit her ears.
Weren't those the words she'd been waiting to hear since that night in her doorway? He was pathetic, Olivia had moved on and she pulled him along with her. She mastered the art of putting space in their relationship and he followed her lead. There were no more pats to his chest, touches to his arm, and she rarely sat on his desk as she looked over their casefiles. She reserved any physical touch for near death experiences. He did the same, because they had to.
He watched her go on dates and turn down dates and she watched him pretend to be content with his life. Things had fallen into a comfortable understanding between them. Benson and Stabler, best partners in the department, highest case closure rate, and known for their skillful interrogations. The rumors still existed but they didn't fly like they did the first two years. Elliot assumed that other's must have figured that if they didn't start fucking after that first year that they were never going to. They were never going to. They were just partners and they worked damn well together. He valued what they had; their partnership was a constant in his life that centered him on his worst days, he hated to think that he almost threw all that away on that night five years ago. He was thankful for both their restraint because now he had her in a way that was much more meaningful than a moment of weakness. That's what he told himself anyway.
They had become so ingrained in their denial that he didn't think anything could shake their facade of disinterest.
Kathy left me.
Three simple words that had changed his life and they reflected back in her mirror eyes. She was in pain for him and he wanted to comfort her for it.
He knew he'd been spiraling. He'd been edgy and angry and snapping at her more than he had the right too, but she'd taken it all in stride. She knew he was suffering, and he knew the more he let her in as to why, the faster she would come running after him and the thought terrified him.
He was a mess.
His life was in shambles.
The last thing he was ready for was Olivia Benson. He didn't deserve her. He couldn't touch the complexity of what they almost opened five years ago. He would self-combust and take her down in his flames, and the last thing he wanted to do was hurt Olivia. So, when she looked at him with those understanding eyes, he had to turn his back on her. When she called him that night to check in on him, he let her call go to voicemail, when she brought him a bagel the next morning, he let it grow cold on his desk, and when she shot him a look with her eyes he looked away. He couldn't accept her care because he was in no place to return it.
He was not the man he was when they first became partners and he felt he was ruined for her. There was nothing about him that could serve her anymore. The job had consumed him and, on most days, the only reason he stayed was so he could still see her face. Cragen would send his jacket straight to early retirement if he knew that truth.
He needed space. He needed distance from Olivia. He had to take a page out of her book because now that the words, Kathy left me, lingered between them he knew she would lose resolve. He had to protect her from himself.
That was why he was tightening his tie and putting on cologne to take Rebecca Hendrix out to dinner. Olivia had been so cold towards Rebecca.
I know you're on the rebound but if you could keep it out of work that'd be great.
He knew he was a prick for proving her assumptions right, but he needed to feel human again. It had been over a month since Kathy took Kathleen, Lizzie, and Dickie to her parents' house.
"I can't do this anymore, Elliot," she said over the phone, he could hear the traffic in the background and knew she was already on the road heading upstate.
"Can't do what," he asked as he looked around their silent house.
"You are so angry all the time," Kathy said, and he hated that she was saying this in the car with their kids listening.
"I know and I'm working…"
"You're not working on it; it's eating you up. I hardly know you anymore," Kathy said, and he could hear that she was holding back tears. It had been a long time since he was the boy she fell in love with and he hated himself for not being who she wanted him to be. He hardly knew who he was anymore.
"Kathy please…"
"I don't understand you Elliot, I don't know how to help you anymore."
"You don't need to help me."
"Elliot I'm sorry I've done this to you, and I don't want you sitting alone in our house. Call Olivia."
"Olivia doesn't need to help me either," he spat as anger rose in his voice.
"Call your partner, maybe she can help you," Kathy said as she clicked off the line and Elliot was left standing in the ashes of his life.
Call Olivia.
Even his wife knew she was the only one who kept the lid on his bubbling rage.
"You look nice," he said to Rebecca as she stepped out from her apartment.
"Thank you, detective," she smiled as she linked her arm in his and they began the couple block walk to a nearby restaurant. He'd asked her to dinner after the case and she smiled in acceptance, like she had expected that he would. Elliot liked Rebecca, she was smart, and pretty in a simple sort of way, he felt at ease in her presence. Her eyes didn't threaten to swallow him up in their depths.
Olivia was right, Rebecca was the perfect rebound, a smooth transition into the modern dating world that he had no idea how to navigate.
Elliot wondered briefly if Kathy was dating again. Neither of them had ever dated. They found out they were going to be parents before they could even see an R rated movie together. She probably couldn't wait to date now that she was free of him. She'd told him after a week at her parents that the space had given her clarity and she wanted to proceed with a divorce.
"I'll go to therapy."
"I'll go to anger management."
"I'll be home by 6:00 p.m. every night."
None of his pleading worked. He knew what she wanted to hear was "I'll quit Special Victims." He knew he could never speak those words, even as a bargaining chip for his marriage. He couldn't quit Special Victims; it was who he was. "I'll quit Special Victims" felt like saying "I'll quit Olivia," and he knew he could never say that.
"So tell me something about yourself Elliot," Rebecca said as she folded her napkin on her lap.
"What do you want to know," he smiled as he mimicked her movement. He was suddenly overcome with the fear that he would seem boring. He had been a husband and a father for so much of his life that he didn't know who he was outside of that identity. He missed his kids like crazy. He found his brain wanting to talk about them.
"What's your favorite color," she asked, and he smiled, maybe she was just as nervous as him.
Brown. He thought silently and then swallowed when he tried to come up with why.
"Blue," he decided as he sipped his drink. He'd ordered a draft beer; she had chosen wine and he realized he didn't even know what he liked to drink. Everything he did, he did for other people.
"Such a cop," she laughed as she placed her hands on the table in front of them.
"You got me," he shrugged as he forced himself to make eye contact with her.
"How long have you worked Special Victims," she asked as she clasped her hands.
"14 years," he said as he took another gulp of beer.
"How many with Olivia?"
"Seven," he said as the number hit him squarely in the jaw. She was such a big part of his life that she came up on his first date before his wife of over twenty years had.
"That's a long time," Rebecca observed as her eyes filled with a look he didn't like.
"Yep," Elliot said, wishing that everyone and their brother wouldn't grill him about his relationship with Olivia.
"She's protective of you," Rebecca stated evenly as she maintained eye contact with him.
"Partners have to be," he shrugged as he decided to show more interest in his menu than his date. He needed to change the topic but didn't want to make it too obvious.
"So tell me about yourself," Elliot said as he redirected the conversation. She went along with it and began telling him anecdotes that he listened to with some interest. The whole time she was talking he couldn't help but think that this was why Olivia hated dating so much. It was so fake, two people telling handpicked stories that attempted to make themselves endearing. He wondered what Rebecca would think if she saw him pummel his fists into a punching bag and then sob like a little boy with his hands clutching his eyes because he couldn't get the burn of another raped child out of his eyes.
He hated dating. He wanted his marriage back. Marriage was real. Sure, he and Kathy had their issues, but he never had to tell her stories about himself, she knew all the stories because she had been beside him for all of them. How does someone just walk away after twenty years? Kathy had been his whole life, his whole identity. She packed up and left him to rebuild himself and he had no idea who he was without her and their kids.
For better or worse, in sickness and in health.
He was sick alright. He was a sick bastard and why should she have to stick around to watch him implode? He was at his worst when the cases consumed him and the only way, he could cope with everything that was wrong with the world was to expel the energy through his fists. He wanted his marriage back, but he realized Kathy had never seen him at his worst, he always managed to compose himself somewhat before stepping foot inside his home.
The cribs saw the worst, the locker room walls saw the worst, and Olivia.
She saw the worst of it. His worst.
"I'm your partner for better or worse."
"Liv…," his voice had said into the phone as she picked up. He stood in his living room, following his wife's instructions.
"El?" she said, and he could hear the confusion in her voice, "we're not on call tonight, why are you calling?"
"I…," he began as he sank onto his couch. His house was eerily quiet without the sound of Kathleen screaming at Lizzie and Dickie's video games blaring in the background.
"You're worrying me," she said into the phone. She knew he'd been off for months.
"Are you busy tonight?"
"It depends, why are you calling?"
"Just answer my question first."
"I am busy," she said and that's when he became aware of the man's voice in the background, he also realized that she would drop that man in a minute if he was honest about why he was calling. He couldn't do that to her.
"It's nothing, I'll see you on Monday."
"Elliot."
"Night, Liv," he said as he clicked off the call and cried for himself, for the first, time since that drive home over five years prior.
"I had a great time tonight," Rebecca said as they arrived at her door. Elliot looked down at her and smiled. She stood taller on her tip toes and initiated a kiss. Elliot was a little taken aback but quickly settled into the kiss. It was nice. He never thought he'd kiss another woman. Rebecca reminded him of Kathy, the way they kissed was the same. Gentle and soft. He smiled into her lips.
"Do you want to come inside," she asked as she pulled back from the kiss slightly. Elliot was startled by the proposition, he thought that was a third date offer but then he realized she was a grown woman in Manhattan and not everyone lived as prudish of a lifestyle as he had his entire life. He wondered if Olivia took men to bed after one date. Knowing Olivia, the men probably didn't have a chance to sign the bill before she was biting at their lips.
He wondered what stories Olivia told on dates. He liked to think he knew everything there was to know about her, he'd practically been dating her for years. He'd heard all the stories on late night stake outs and as he looked down at Rebecca Hendrix, he was grappling with the jealousy that other men got to hear Olivia's stories and then be invited up to her apartment.
"Yes, I'd like that," he responded, and she grinned back at him as she led him inside. Elliot looked around her apartment and found himself comparing it to Olivia's. Olivia could take an interior design tip or two from Rebecca.
Rebecca pulled him into her living room and began to kiss him again. She deepened the kiss and Elliot complied. He felt like he was fooling around in High-School again. He realized that he might embarrass himself, he'd become so used to Kathy he couldn't imagine being with anyone else, besides Olivia.
He reached for Rebecca's hair and she smiled into his mouth.
"You're so tentative Stabler," she said and that didn't help his confidence. Instead of replying to her he decided to move his mouth to her neck, so he didn't risk coming off as incompetent.
"Yes, like that," she encouraged and that gave him all the reassurance he needed to continue. When he entered her, he couldn't help but feel like he was cheating on Kathy, and Olivia.