A/N: This chapter has a flashback to 'Futility' (4x22). Oh FYI, Linda who is mentioned, is Kathy and Elliot's neighbor. She's a real 'Karen.'

Song: Where Do We Go From Here by Amber Run and White Lie by The Lumineers.

Chapter 16- Elliot

That Morning

Elliot walked into the confessional stand, his hands in his pockets and his jaw wired shut, which wasn't a good thing, given that he'd come to repent. He hadn't faced the father this way in over two years. Hell, he hardly bothered showing up to Sunday services anymore. Going to church felt like something to do as a family; he went for his kids. He had no interest in sitting alone on a cold, wooden pew.

"Forgive me father for I have sinned, it's been two years since my last confession…these are my sins." He could hear himself speaking as if he was having an out-of-body experience. It had been so long since he'd sat in the stifling box. In those two years since his last confession, his wife had left him, he'd moved out of his family home, he'd only been able to see his kids on weekends, and yet, the driving force behind him sitting in this cold box was walking into the 1-6, coffees in hand, and Cragen informing him that Olivia had transferred to Computer Crimes. Computer Crimes? The blow had hit him slowly and then all at once.

"I was selfish, I was disrespectful, I lost my temper." He thought about how he looked Ryan in the eye and then turned his back on the child when he heard Olivia's scream. He'd picked her because he knew he wouldn't survive losing her, he wouldn't survive never having the chance to tell her, he wouldn't have survived putting her in a pine box and pretending he hadn't buried a large part of himself with her. When he ran after her, he ran after the only part of himself he still recognized. He'd been so selfish.

He thought about how he'd walked in on her naked silhouette six years ago, how he'd looked like he had permission. He thought about how she'd told him, "you go around acting like I belong to you, and then you can't even claim me." He thought about how he couldn't kiss her when she'd asked. He thought about how she cooked him dinner and kissed his chest, and he'd pushed her off, and then he thought about how her eyes flashed with his punishment before she pressed her lips to his tip. He'd been so disrespectful.

He thought about how he'd screamed at her in the hallway and accused her of not being able to do the job that he'd failed so miserably at. He thought about the shocked look on her face as he spat, "I can't do this anymore. I can't be looking over my shoulder making sure you're okay!...I need to know you can do your job and not wait for me to come to the rescue," when she had never needed his saving; he needed her to save him. He'd lost his temper; it had already cost him his wife and now his partner.

"For these and all of my sins, I am truly sorry," he gulped, knowing that the tip of the iceberg wouldn't be enough for the priest.

"After two years, that's it? How about you tell me what's really bothering you, Elliot," He thought about how to answer. He thought about how, after eight years of swearing to God that he would never touch her, he'd let his hand fall between her legs and his mouth mark her skin. He thought about how she'd let him go there only once she knew she was free of him. He thought about how he'd walked away from her, leaving her on that hospital bench, and she took it upon herself to hammer in the last nail on the coffin. She'd left him, and then she let him kiss her once she could assure herself it didn't matter anymore. He knew her, and he should have known better than to believe she would give him the chance to show her how much she means to him. He'd kissed her to say he was in, and she'd kissed him goodbye.

"It's like I keep losing people," he muttered, and all he could see was Olivia. It had been three days, and he missed seeing her.

"Like your family?" The priest's words crashed through his image of her. His family. The family that moved upstate and left him to microwaveable dinners and meaningless sex with women that might have been his type if he'd had time to consider what that might be. He couldn't date when all he saw was her. He couldn't confess to failing his family when the only thing that truly brought him to his knees was her.

"My family, my kids….friends."

"You said friends. You mean someone at work?" The priest's question made the air still, someone at work. It brought him back to six years prior:

"Forgive me father for I have sinned, it's been three months since my last confession…these are my sins," he'd said as he rubbed his hands against his thighs. "I was tempted by another woman."

"In what way?" The Father asked.

"I saw her naked."

"Who is she, Elliot?" the priest had asked, and Elliot felt his fists ball. He'd come to confess, to be a good Catholic, but he hadn't been certain how much he was willing to admit.

"My partner," he'd exhaled and then added, "at work."

"Are you confessing to an affair?"

"No! It was an accident, I walked in on her at work, in the locker room. Nothing happened," he'd added at the end, for good measure.

"But you were tempted?"

"I…" he'd began, but then closed his mouth, "I'd never considered her that way before."

"How long have you worked with her?"

"Two years."

"That's a long time; you've never been tempted before?"

"No, she's my partner. I respect her. We work together."

"Is she important to you?" The Father's question had taken him aback. He hadn't expected to be asked that.

"She is."

"Why?"

"I can talk to her about the things that I can't bring home," he'd confessed, and he'd wanted to add that she understood him in a way he wasn't certain he understood himself.

"Do you think this partnership is harming your marriage?"

"No, never, not at all…" he'd spoken the words like oxygen was fading from the box around him. "Olivia would never, she is a good cop, a good person," he'd said, his need to defend her honor ever present, but he also couldn't help but picture how she'd sucked on his thumb and dared him to finish what he'd started.

"But would you?"

"Never, Father," he'd swallowed.

"Is that all?" the priest had asked, and Elliot knew he would never be granted salvation, because he'd failed to mention how he'd showed up at her apartment and found a glimmer of peace as his lips brushed her skin.

"Yes, Father," he'd said, and they prayed.

"Elliot, for your penance, call your wife..., and consider requesting a new partner."

Before he could confirm that he'd once again found himself in confession because of Olivia Benson, his cellphone rang.

"Sorry Father, I gotta go."

"Okay, but you should come back." They said a prayer, and the whole time Elliot thought about how he'd give anything for Olivia to come to her senses and unpack her desk. She belonged in Special Victims. When he held her face and said, "we'll figure this out," he'd meant that, if it came to a transfer, it would be him every time. He never meant for her to give up the thing that made her tick. He hated to admit it, but he wanted that damn picture frame of Olivia and Serena Benson back where it belonged.

"Elliot, for your penance, call your wife," the Father broke his train of thought, and just like that, he was reminded that he always found himself on his knees for the wrong woman.

That Night / 6:56 p.m.

"Why tonight?" Kathy asked as she sipped her wine glass over the booth they were sitting at. They were at an Italian place that they took the kids to all the time when they were little. He'd called her, as instructed, and she'd made the move of asking to see him in person.

"Wanted to get caught up on the kids, see how you're doing," he said as he waved a haphazard hand in her direction. The truth was the Father's words had haunted him all day. Olivia had found him in the locker room after he hit Blaine, and there was so much he wanted to say to her, but he felt his head breaking the surface, his mouth gasping for air and his words completely failing him. Thanks for stopping by. Maybe it would be easier to talk to his wife for once. "Father Paul also told me to call you," he added as he swirled some noodles on a fork.

"You went to confession?" she asked in surprise.

"Yeah," he sighed as he looked up at his wife. She looked good, she looked happy. Kathy was beautiful, soft and caring, and he loved that she was the mother of his children, but he knew many years had passed since he'd been in love with her. Sometimes he wasn't sure he knew her. Sure, she'd birthed four of his children and laid beside him for over twenty years, but he had no clue what things kept her awake at night, what shook her to her core, who she was underneath all the roles, and children, and obligations.

If he met her now, and they had no history at all, they'd have nothing to talk about. She'd look at him and only see his shell, and maybe that's all she'd ever truly seen. She didn't know what shook him to his core. Or maybe she did, but all these years they both knew that acknowledging it would be the unwinding of their marriage.

"You look exhausted," she said as her eyes roamed him. He felt like she could see the fight he'd had with Blaine, even though Blaine was the one sporting the consequences of his fist.

"I got in a fight at work today," he said, as he watched her blue eyes squint in confusion.

"With Olivia?"

"No... this prick named Blaine," he swallowed as he set down his fork and placed his hands in his lap, underneath the table. If she could see the fight on him, he worried she could see Olivia on him too. The marks she'd left on his skin were just below the neckline of his dress shirt, all the evidence of everything Kathy had always suspected right below his blue collar. Maybe his wife knew him better than he gave her credit for.

"What happened?"

"He was playing fast and loose with a kid, and I lost it, decked the guy across the jaw," he admitted, and he could see her find some solace that the reasons she'd left him still stood between them.

"Where was Olivia?!" she said in an almost accusatory fashion, and it almost made him laugh that his wife was also upset that Olivia hadn't been there. Kathy had always trusted Olivia to keep him safe. Even his wife held Olivia to this ridiculous standard of being Elliot's keeper.

"Olivia left me," he said to his wife as his words to Olivia over a year ago rang in his ears, Kathy left me.

"What?!" Kathy said as she furrowed her brow. "When?" she added as she leaned across the table. He couldn't quite decipher the look on her face.

"Couple days ago."

"Why?!" She insisted, and he wasn't sure he had the strength to be honest with her.

"Same as you," he began as he gestured at her, "in case you hadn't heard, I'm an angry bastard."

"Well, Olivia was always better at dealing with that than I was. What really happened, Elliot?" she said, and he could tell her inquiry was honest.

"I chose her over a child; the child died," he said as he let his eyes land on his wife, waiting for her to piece together what that meant.

"You thought she was in danger?"

"Our perp cut her neck."

"Elliot…" she said as her eyes welled, and he was reminded that he couldn't discuss details with her, she was too fragile.

"Later the perp had me at gunpoint," he revealed, and he watched her clutch her napkin. Sure, she'd filed for divorce, but he knew that the last thing she ever wanted was for her children to lose their father. "It was just Olivia and I there. She had her gun on him, and I told her to shoot so he didn't get away," he explained, and he couldn't believe he was revealing all this to his wife. He hadn't been able to say it to the priest this morning, and he needed to say it to someone.

"Did she? He had a gun to your head?!"

"She wouldn't take the shot."

"Good!" Kathy said as she looked at him in confusion.

"That's the problem; she should have taken the shot, and I was angry that she didn't."

"Elliot, she didn't want to hurt you," Kathy shook her head as she looked him over like his reasoning made no sense.

"A sniper took him out, and we both made it out alive," he finished the saga, and Kathy was still shaking her head. "If the sniper hadn't taken the shot, she would have had to."

"Well, I'm glad she didn't," Kathy said as she exhaled and turned her attention to the back wall. After a moments silence, she said,

"Is she okay?"

"She requested a transfer to Computer Crimes," he said, and then he cleared his throat.

"Elliot…" Kathy said as she put her eyes on him once more.

"Let's talk about the kids," he said, as a way of deflecting the heavy weight that lingered in his name as she said it with knowing.

"Have you talked to her?" she asked, clearly ignoring his request to change topics.

"No," he decided was the simplest answer to that question. She studied him for a minute before she inhaled and said,

"I long ago stopped pretending to understand that partnership, but I do know, that from all the years I have known and loved you, that you do not walk away from those who need you."

"Olivia doesn't need me Kathy," he said, as his conversation with Haung flooded his mind,

"But she didn't need me."

"You didn't know that."

"I wish I didn't…"

"Didn't what? Didn't care so much?"

"Of course she needs you; she's always needed you. You think I enjoyed sharing my husband all those years? You think it didn't worry me when the neighbors would tell me she'd show up and sit on our doorstep waiting for you, you think I didn't hear how she'd call you at 3 a.m. when neither of you could sleep. I'd hear you in the living room, waiting for you to say something incriminating, so I could have a reason to be mad, but all you did was listen to her for hours."

"Kathy…."

"You never listened to me like that," she said as her eyes fell to the plate of food in front of her.

"She was always just talking about the cases."

"Oh I know Elliot, but you know what, sometimes I wish that wasn't all it was, that would make it easier to hate her."

"Linda said she saw you and Olivia sitting on the doorstep last night," Kathy said from the other side of the bed. The lights had been off for an hour, but neither of them were asleep. He knew what his wife was talking about. She'd taken the kids to the opera. He'd passed on going, went to the grocery store instead. When he'd gotten home, he found his partner in tears on his doorstep. She'd been broken up over the case, over breaking the privacy between victims and their rape crisis counselor.

"You gotta let it go, Liv," he'd said once he realized how upset she was. He'd only seen her cry a few other times. Notably, when she'd told him about her father, when she'd told him about her mother, and when he'd gone with her to see if a long-forgotten suspect in her mother's case could be the man who fathered her. He wasn't sure why this case was registering up there with those moments, but he knew his partner needed him, so he sat beside her on his doorstep and reminded her why she was amazing at their job. He told her she could walk away, and she responded, "I can't," and he knew that everything that burned brightly in her was rooted back to the forgiveness she would never give herself. In that moment he'd wanted to wrap her up and tell her they could both walk away, together. But he knew they couldn't. His wife would return from the Opera, and Olivia would awake the next day, revitalized to take down rapists, and the truth remained that the only way they could stay in each other's life was by being dedicated to the job that they sold their souls to.

"She was upset about the case," he said into the darkness of their bedroom.

"She came to our house?" Kathy asked, and he could hear the accusation in her tone.

"Yes…"

"Did she know I was gone?"

"No, she asked where you and the kids were when I pulled up."

"So she didn't call first, she just showed up?" Kathy asked as she sat up in the bed and flicked on the lamp. Elliot groaned as he sat up too.

"I didn't know she was going to do that."

"Linda said she was crying."

"She was."

"Linda also said it looked like you were trying not to cry," she said as she shifted her body to face him. He could feel the brewing of an argument, and he wasn't sure how to diffuse it.

"I was upset that she was upset."

"Why?"

"I don't like seeing her upset," he shrugged as he tried not to walk himself into a minefield. He knew he was on thin ice.

"Do you have feelings for her?" Kathy asked as she ran a tired hand through her hair.

"Kathy come on, she was upset about a shitty case, and we talked about it. That's it; she left."

"You don't cry when I cry," Kathy said in a small voice.

"Sure I do," he said as he reached for his wife's shoulder, but she jerked his hand away.

"Is Olivia dating anyone?"

"What?"

"I said, is she dating anyone?" Kathy said in a firm tone.

"I don't think so."

"Explain that to me. She's beautiful, and yet all these years she's stayed single. It doesn't make sense; all my friends don't think it makes sense either. Linda doesn't think it makes sense."

"She spends all her time on the job."

"She spends all her time with you," Kathy corrected with a pointed look. He ran a hand down his face because he knew this wasn't going anywhere good.

"Are you in love with her?" Kathy asked in a small voice. His hand dropped from his face as he turned to look at her. He felt his stomach plummet.

"Kathy, she left. Have Linda tell you, nothing is going on," he said, and he could feel the irritation rising in his voice.

"That's not what I asked. I know she left; Linda told me. I know you aren't sleeping with her, Elliot, I asked if you are in love with her." He could see the way her chest shook as she asked the question.

"Of course not, no, I'm not in love with her!" he said as he threw his hands up, but he could feel his throat burning.

"God, Elliot, you know when Linda called and said she saw Olivia here I was almost relieved," she said, as a sad chuckle escaped her lips.

"What?"

"I thought, finally I'm getting the call that my husband is a cheating bastard, and all along it's been his partner, because it's always the partner, or the secretary, or the assistant, right? And I thought to myself, now I can have a reason to be angry."

"Kathy…"

"But no! Linda tells me that you sat and watched her cry, didn't so much as lay a hand on her, and then she up and left when the house was empty, and she could have had you if she wanted. I was expecting to hear all my worst fears come true, and instead all you did was cry with her," Kathy said as she shook her head and turned to her side of the bed.

"I don't know what you want me to say," he began as he looked at her turned back.

"Why does she mean so much to you?"

"The job we do…" he started but didn't know how to finish, "She's my best friend, Kathy, I don't know what else to say…"

"I want you to request a new partner. You know I like Olivia, might even consider her a friend, but I can't do this anymore."

"Kathy…"

"I'm serious, Elliot."

"I don't know if I can do the job without her," he admitted, and he knew it was wrong to say on so many fronts.

"Exactly," Kathy huffed as she flicked off the light, and he decided to go sleep on the couch.

"She asked about you at the Christmas party," Elliot offered, and Kathy softened.

"You know I don't hate her, not really, I just wish she was two hundred pounds heavier and bald," Kathy laughed as she folded her napkin nervously.

"Yeah, me too," he laughed as his eyes connected with his wife, and he couldn't believe the absurdity of laughing about this with her. Kathy broke the laughs by saying,

"She needs you, Elliot."

"She had no issues walking out," he retorted, the bitterness creeping into his tone.

"I'm sorry; I'm sorry we both did," Kathy said as she reached for his hand across the table. He grabbed her hand, and he was surprised at how foreign it felt. He'd held her hand as she delivered each of their children, but as he held it now, it felt like he could be holding the waitress's hand, not his wife's.

"It's alright," he said, as his lips covered his teeth.

"Call your partner," Kathy said before dropping his hand and standing to leave.