Chapter 21- Olivia

"Do you have a habit of breaking into women's apartments these days?" was the first thing she said when she opened her eyes to the morning hues. She'd woken up with Elliot still resting against her, her legs and arms wrapped around him. Her body was crushed against the mattress, but she didn't mind the pressure. In fact, she needed it; it felt like returning after floating for months. She'd missed New York, she'd missed her job, she'd missed her bedroom, she'd missed the man on top of her.

"Does your partner back home find you as annoying as I do?"

"We're best friends."

She could sense that he was already awake against her. After a beat of silence he lifted his face from her chest and raised his eyes to her. It occurred to her that he'd slept the whole night with his cheek pressed to her heart. The sun was filtering through her bedroom window, and she couldn't deny how rested her body felt, as if he'd charged her, but she was quickly overcome with the need to deny how intertwined they were. Partners didn't do this. Partners didn't let themselves inside with a key they shouldn't have in the first place and climb on top of each other. She recalled how he'd kissed her lips and neck as she was pulled back into sleep. For hours on the plane, she'd thought about how seeing him would unfold, and she'd never imagined that version of events. She'd expected to come back to his rage, not his hands seeking her skin in soft and somber touches. She should be upset with him for so many things: invading her space, touching her when they hadn't spoken any words, and Dani Beck. She'd gone into the squad room to see him, only to find that he seemed to be getting on just fine with her replacement. They both had incredible amounts of explaining to do, but all she really wanted was to lie with him a little longer, feel his touch a little deeper.

"Only yours," he said, the sunlight catching on his blue irises. She realized that in all the years she'd looked at his eyes, she'd never noticed them glow in this way. This side of Elliot was so stripped down and calm that it made the hairs rise at the back of her neck. She didn't know how to approach this version of him; she couldn't anticipate his next moves.

"We agreed you'd never use that key," she said as she looked down at his face. She'd never held a man like this before. She felt responsible for him, like he was hers to always look after. She wanted to keep her hands on the back of his rib cage forever, protecting him from anything, from the words they'd have to exchange, and the explaining they'd have to do. She wanted to protect him from herself.Elliot was a two-hundred-pound man who could hold his own in just about any fight, but as he laid with her, she became too aware of his morality. She'd left him for months, allowing someone else to be responsible for his life. She wasn't sure when she'd forgive herself for that.

"Well things change when you up and leave without a word," he said as he lifted her enough to slip his hands behind her shoulder blades, so she was basically resting in his open hands, his hips shifting directly above hers.

"How long have you been coming here?" she said as she quickly tried to regain control of the conversation. She wanted him to answer first.

"Not much," he replied, not directly answering her question. She narrowed her eyes on him. "For a while, on and off," he confessed.

"You've been sleeping here?" she asked, keeping her voice even.

"Sometimes."

"If you knew I was back, why didn't you call me first?" she questioned as she thought about how he'd come in last night and kissed her as if they didn't have anything to deal with.

"I didn't know you were back…" he said as he pulled her into a sitting position, his body following hers, as they both fell cross-legged on the bed. The sheet fell from around them, leaving her arms and legs exposed to the air coming through the cracked window.

"What do you mean you didn't know I was back? I came to the squad room, spoke to your partner."

"Dani didn't say anything," he said as he ran a hand down his face. She could see him tensing, the light deserting his gaze as his eyes landed on her once more.

"Dani…" she repeated in a voice lower than a whisper, as she stood from the bed, and his hand tried and failed to pull her back. Instead he swung his legs over the edge of the bed so he could face her once more.

"Why didn't you come see me when you came?" he asked as he swept his eyes over her pajama-clad body. She crossed her arms over her white tank top as she stood in front of his sitting form.

"I came to see when I could come back, but then I decided I still wanted some time away."

"What is that supposed to mean? You haven't even told me where you've been!"

"Oregon, I was living with a group of environmentalists who Dana thought might have been part of an ecoterrorism group, but they weren't."

"Oregon," he repeated, more to himself than to her, as he pulled a hand down his face.

"Yeah, when I agreed to the undercover operation, I had no idea how long it would be for, and they disconnected my phone."

"But you were safe."

"I drank a lot of kombucha with a bunch of hippies, even managed to solve a local kidnapping before they sent me on my way. I was safe," she confirmed because she knew that he needed the peace of mind.

"Of course you did," he smirked as he shook his head softly.

"Have you been keeping safe?"

"Got stabbed with a pen in the shoulder," he laughed as he kept his eyes on the ground. She could tell he was still trying to process.

"Where was your partner?" she said with a critical arch to her eyebrow. He looked up and gave a slight eye roll in response. "So she didn't mention me?" she asked because she couldn't help herself. The sight of that woman sitting at her desk was still gnawing at her. She knew what she'd walked them into when she agreed to infiltrate, but it didn't mean she had to love the fallout of her impulsive decisions. She wanted to be mad at him for growing accustomed to a new partner, but in her heart, she knew she only had herself to blame.

"What?" he asked as his face was overcome with confusion.

"When I came in last week, I spoke to her," she repeated as she looked to the wall. She'd walked in with so much fresh hope at seeing him again. She'd had months to think about what she was going to say to him. After countless dreams of missing him, wanting him, having him in her dream state, she had known she needed to be transparent with how she felt about him. She knew that when she had been on top of Dean Porter, she had wished it were him beneath her. She had known that when her plane touched down in LaGuardia that she'd make it right. If he wanted her, she'd let him have her. Giving herself over to someone wasn't something that came easily to her, but if she was being honest with herself, she'd already relinquished that control to Elliot. Now she only had to admit that she had. They could figure out the job. Computer Crimes wasn't so bad.

Then she had seen Dani Beck at her desk, and all her hope had drained like the color was currently draining from his face. He was her partner. She wanted him as her wanted that woman far away from her desk. She felt foolish for everything she'd even thought about disclosing. Oregon had made her grow soft, made her think it could all be so simple. She felt like a fool.

"She didn't say anything about speaking to you. I didn't expect you to be home when I came here last night."

"Then why did you come?"

"Olivia…" he started and then stopped as he covered his teeth with his top lip.

"You need to explain yourself, Elliot. Coming to my apartment? Sleeping in my bed? You thought I'd be fine with all that?" she said, the heat rising in her chest. She turned as she walked towards her living room. She didn't know why she was lashing out.

"I need to explain myself! You're the one that disappeared, I couldn't call your phone and then as soon as I do get you on the line you hang up on me!" he shouted from the bedroom, and she could hear him struggling to pull on his clothes and hang on to some composure in his voice.

"I was on a payphone, and two people from my group walked up, right as you got on the line," she defended as he emerged from her bedroom. She could see the iciness in his stare.

"Bullshit, you didn't want to talk to me. If it was me, I would've found a way to contact you," he said as he crossed his arms over his chest. They were standing on opposite sides of the living room.

"Don't you have to get to work," she growled as she flicked her eyes towards her door.

"When are you coming back?" he asked, ignoring her question.

"Do you want me back?" she retorted. She began to panic as she watched his mouth grappling for an answer. She couldn't anticipate what he was going to say. She didn't know where their partnership stood, where his marriage stood, where he stood with Dani Beck. She felt her stomach clench, she felt sick, she felt exhausted. She'd missed him so much, and now they were right back to where they'd been when she left in the first place.

"Of course I want you back, Liv. I never wanted you to leave," he said as he dropped his arms and moved towards her, trying to bridge the distance of her living room. He wanted her as his partner. He'd been relieved when she'd pushed the distance between them after she returned from Computer Crimes. They'd gone back to being Benson and Stabler, and it had worked.

"What about Dani?" she asked as she willed her feet to stay planted when her mind was begging her to run towards her kitchen, begging her to put her countertop between them.

"What about Dani?" he repeated as he swallowed, and she could tell that he got nervous every time her name was mentioned. There was something that he didn't want her to know.

"What's going on with her?" she asked because she had to. She needed to know if what she'd suspected the moment she had seen him come up behind her and lean on her shoulder, was true.

"I'm working with her, because you gave me no choice." He grated, his jaw twitching.

"You two seemed pretty comfortable," she said as she eyed him, trying to compel him to spill a truth she wasn't sure she could handle. She didn't know why it bothered her so much; she'd been working with Dean and grew close to him.

"What are you asking me, Olivia," he said as he re-crossed his arms, pulling up his guard.

"Are you sleeping with her?" she let drop, her voice barely audible. She watched for his reaction. It looked like she'd just taken a knife to his lungs. He sucked in a breath before saying,

"I kissed her." Somehow that admission was worse than what she'd suggested. Whatever weapon she'd inflicted on him had turned around and hit her too. Kissed her.

"Why?"

"It was a mistake. I came here…after…" he said as he tried to get her to look at him, but she couldn't bring herself to face him.

"You kissed her yesterday?" she asked as she fit the timeline together, the realization somehow making it worse.

"Yes," he nodded, and he tried to speak more, but she cut him off.

"When did you start kissing partners?" she said as she thought about every time that he could have kissed her over the years, and didn't.

"It wasn't a risk with Dani," he said as he took another step towards her, but her feet caved to her mind, and she made a beeline towards her kitchen.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"She feels temporary." Feels, he was using the present tense. Reminding her with each sentence that Dani Beck was currently his partner, not her.

"So you could kiss her, mess up that partnership, because you knew I'd come back eventually."

"Something like that," he shrugged, and it broke her heart. He wanted her back as his didn't know where his marriage stood, but clearly he had no issue being with other women, Rebecca Hendrix. She made the horrible realization that when she returned he intended to keep her as only his partner.

"Is that supposed to make me feel good, Elliot? Because it doesn't."

"It was stupid…"

"Have you even signed your papers?!" she shouted as her hands clutched the ridge of her counter.

"I'm working with attorneys," he swallowed.

"So no!" she shook her head as a bitter chuckle emitted from her mouth. She'd had plans to tell him how she wanted him to sign those damn papers if he hadn't, and now she couldn't believe she'd even considered being honest about what she wanted from him. She shoved those thoughts, hopes deep down- where they belonged.

"Olivia…"

"But you thought it would be a great idea to kiss your new partner and then crawl on top of me? And if I come back to work, we'll just pretend that didn't happen, right?!"

"You asked me to lie with you!" he shouted back as he approached the counter. He was trying to make this her fault.

"Well, I didn't ask you to break into my apartment!" She watched him assess her cheap shot, and he seemed to be considering his words. His tone was softer when he said,

"I tried to tell you it was because I missed you."

"Missed me as your partner or missed touching me?"

"Both," he sighed, and once again they were right back where they started.

"Well Dani can help you out with both those things, now can't she!" she said as her voice ticked up again. She chanced a look at him, and she could tell how frustrated she was making him.

"Liv."

"Just go, alright, I don't want to talk anymore," she said as she gestured towards her door.

"So that's it? I haven't seen you in months, and you're just going to show me the door?"

"What do you want me to say?!"

"I want you to say that I haven't lost you! I've spent months thinking I'd lost you." His words scared her.

"Well, that depends on how long Dani can put up with you," she said, bringing it back to work because it was all she was capable of.

"So you want to come back?" he asked, and she assessed his face, wasn't that what he wanted? Isn't that why he'd told her he'd kissed Dani? He could kiss Dani because he knew she'd save him from his mess by returning. She'd be the partner who'd keep him faithful and remind him that he wasn't the kind of man who crossed lines with coworkers. Except that was a bunch of bullshit. She was trying to understand how this unraveled from her grasp so quickly. She'd had so much she wanted to say to him, and now she couldn't find the words. She wanted her job back, but she also wanted him to kiss her, not Dani Beck.

"I don't know anymore, Elliot," she sighed as she repeated, "Just go." He clenched and unclenched his fist before forcing his hurt eyes off of hers. The sound of her door shutting made her want nothing more than to have him back in her bed, whispering words of how much he'd missed her against her neck. He'd tried to make it make sense, but she hadn't been listening. She couldn't listen because it scared her. It was easier to fight him than to let him in. She was a fool.

The Next Day

Casey was sitting in the booth waiting for her to arrive. Casey had reached out to have dinner with her now that she'd returned. She considered Casey a friend, not a close friend, but their jobs gave them commonality.

"I like the bangs!" Casey smiled as Olivia took the seat across from her.

"Thanks, my hairdresser was nice enough to fix the mess my hair became in Oregon," she said, and then she ordered a glass of wine in the next breath.

"Crazy that they had you all the way in Oregon," Casey shook her head as if she was recalling how hard it had been to trace her last week when she needed her to come back and testify on a case.

"I know, it was definitely a change of pace."

"I had everyone and their brother trying to track you down. Elliot tried to bribe Huang into pulling strings. They really didn't want anyone finding you," Casey said, and the mention of her partner made her involuntarily tense, even though Casey was just mentioning him in passing.

"Yeah all that, and the group I was with wasn't even involved," she sighed, all that and she was right back where she'd been with Elliot when she'd left.

"So when do you start back to work?" Casey asked as she flipped through her dinner menu.

"Cragen said he'd give me a call when they need me…"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Casey asked with a raised brow, her deep voice cascading into the booth next to them. She was abrasive wherever she went.

"Means he needs a reason to transfer out the body at my desk," Olivia groaned, unable to keep the bitterness from her tone.

"Beck?" Casey snickered as her eyes lit with understanding.

"Yeah, what's the scoop on her?"

"She's real cozy with your partner," Casey laughed as she sipped her wine that had arrived before Olivia's. The confirmation of whatever was going on between Elliot and Beck hit her square in the jaw. She gritted her teeth as she contemplated how to respond.

"I saw," she swallowed.

"Bet Elliot was happy to see you," Casey commented as she lifted her eyes over the rim of her glass.

"I didn't see him, just spoke to Cragen and got the pleasure of meeting Beck…" she seethed. Her denial ran so deep that she didn't even feel like she was lying to someone she considered a friend. Elliot used his key to come into my apartment, you could say he was happy to see me when he got in my bed and kissed my neck and chest. Weren't those the kinds of things girlfriends talked about? She almost wished she could ask for Casey's advice, but she knew she could never disclose details of what she did with Elliot.

"He was going to blow a fuse when we couldn't locate you, and it wasn't even his case on the line," Casey said with a throaty laugh. The waitress came and took their orders, interrupting the direction the conversation was going. Once she left, Casey picked up the conversation.

"Well, hopefully Beck doesn't last long."

"What's the deal with her?"

"She came over from the warrants squad, from what I've heard she's a bit of a recluse since her cop husband took a bullet. She's overzealous, and I've heard Cragen's got her on a tight leash," Casey said in a low hum, her eyes brightening over the information she had to impart.

"She's a widow?" Olivia asked as her stomach twisted more. Jesus Christ, Elliot. He really knew how to step in something he shouldn't.

"Yeah, husband died on the job, she's dragging in every guy off the street trying to avenge him or something," Casey said with an air of judgement that most would determine made her callous and cold, but Olivia liked how matter-of-fact Casey remained.

"Probably a good mentality in our unit," Olivia sighed as she saw her job escaping her further.

"Yeah, but not when paired with Elliot. I already know they will probably screw up a case for me. Two hot heads on a team is never good," Casey said as she shook her head.

"You saying you want me back, Casey?" Olivia smiled, feeling grateful that somebody had missed her on the job. Casey grinned in response as she said,

"Beck's alright, but it's a matter of time. I just hope she doesn't take a case in flames when she goes down swinging. I'd much rather have you keeping Stabler in check, for the sake of my cases."

"Is that what everyone thinks around here? That I keep Elliot in check?" She rolled her eyes; she was a detective, not a glorified babysitter. She was sick of this interpretation of their partnership.

"You guys are like yin and yang; I only meant you balance each other better than he and Beck," Casey shrugged. Yin and Yang, she almost choked on her wine; the notion seemed so cheesy, and she could hardly believe Casey had spoken it.

"Right," Olivia said as she folded her napkin nervously in her lap.

"So what happens if Beck doesn't burn out?"

"I guess I see if Queens or Brooklyn SVU have openings. I could move out of my rent-fixed apartment in Manhattan." Get a place where Elliot doesn't have the key.

"Did they have you smoking something in Oregon," Casey laughed, and she couldn't help but laugh as well.

"Really though, I'm not sure. I'm hoping I can come back soon…" she said, admitting the truth, even though she'd made it seem to Elliot like it was the last thing she wanted.

"You miss working with Elliot?" Casey asked.

"I guess, I miss the unit," she said as she cleared her throat.

"I think he misses you," Casey said as she darted her eyes to Olivia. Casey had never discussed the topic of Elliot this much. Olivia wanted to be careful what she said because she knew Casey was just as much Elliot's friend as she was hers. Her loyalty didn't lie with Olivia like Fin's did. She knew anything she said could get back to Elliot. Casey and Elliot had always talked, about his kids, baseball, the latest playoff victories; she had to be careful.

"What makes you think that?"

"I watched him kiss Dani Beck," Casey snorted, and Olivia was overwhelmed. She didn't understand how that correlated to him missing her, and she couldn't understand how Casey had seen it.

"What?"

"Yeah, the three of us were at a bar, throwing back some beers after court, and those two slipped out before me. I paid my tab, followed out a few minutes behind them and saw Stabler kissing Beck against the car," Casey shook her head, excitement in her eyes. She clearly didn't understand how much these details would make the wine burn at Olivia's throat.

"And what part of that makes you think he misses me?" Olivia asked as she tried to keep her voice even.

"I mean, the man has kept his hands off you for what? Eight years? And then the minute you have a replacement he has her up against a car?" Casey framed her explanation like rhetorical questions, and Olivia was growing more lost.

"And?"

"It seems like some kind of Freudian slip," Casey chuckled into her wine.

"You're going to have to explain."

"I know you and Elliot are really good at the whole clueless routine, but the man has been separated for what? Over a year? And in all that time neither of you makes a move, to my knowledge…and then the moment you leave, he makes a pass at your replacement? Seems like a man who can't come to terms with what he really wants, to me anyway," Casey shrugged, playing off her entire analysis like it was obvious. Olivia felt slack jawed, and Casey only continued to laugh. "If I'm totally off base just tell me so" Casey added as she took a quieting gulp of her alcohol.

"Didn't they determine Freud was full of it," Olivia deflected as she too gulped her wine. At her rebuttal Casey broke into another round of laughter.

"Anyone ever tell you that you should be a lawyer, Liv?"

"Once or twice, might consider it now that I'm out of a job," she sighed.

"It'll work out," Casey assured with a lopsided smile that made Olivia feel more hopeless.