Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight

Chapter 18 – Workings of the Vampire Mind

I try to sneak past dad and his baseball game, eager to reunite with Lynn, but he's prepared.

"Brandon… "

"Yes, dad?" I reply as I resignedly join him in the living room. "I have some homework to do, remember?" It won't get done tonight, that's for sure, but he doesn't know that.

"I just wanted to say your girlfriend seems really nice. I can see why you like her. She's so beautiful and smart…."

"She's really great dad." I promptly agree. He looks down, like he's trying to build up the courage to say something else. In the end he just wishes me good night.

I run upstairs, eager to go to the window and look for her. To my surprise she's already standing in the middle of my room, calmly scrutinizing my two beat-up guitars.

"Looking for me, Brandon?"

I blanch a little and lean against the door I already closed behind me. My heart stutters and skips a couple of beats. She must hear it, because she looks concerned.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. We agreed I would meet you here, didn't we?"

"It's all good. Just give me a couple of minutes to reboot." I say, sliding to the floor. I notice she already kicked off her boots and she pads closer to me on bare feet.

"Actually, I never asked you." I manage to say, still a little short of breath. "Do you also play the guitar?"

"No, not really. Maybe you can teach me. I play the piano."

"You are musical too…. Why am I not surprised? Oh yeah, right, because there's nothing you can't do." I mumble, a little grumpy.

She stifles a laugh, helps me up and leads me to the bed, where we can sit next to each other. I'm about to say something but then I suddenly remember I went hiking today and I haven't even had a shower yet.

"I'll need a few human minutes, Lynn. Don't go away." I try to look stern and she consents with exaggerated meekness.

In the washroom, I brush my teeth and then jump in the shower. I keep it short, worried about leaving some hot water for dad. I towel my hair and brush it back, rather perfunctorily. It's not very long so it will dry quickly anyways. I have one last look in the mirror, and hardly recognize the odd boy I see there. I have an unusually goofy smile plastered on my face, my eyes are electric, and spots of color dot my cheeks. And yet, there is something else. I have a closer look. I can't figure it out and decide to just hurry back to my bedroom, where Lynn is still waiting for me in the exact same position as when I left. I sit next to her and pretend to feel a tad grouchy.

"So we are going to see your family tomorrow? Why didn't you ask me earlier, rather than when my dad was around?"

She snickers and then turns serious.

"It just came to mind. We can always do it another time if you like, or not at all. I didn't mean to force you. I hope you are not afraid of them….." She says teasingly.

"Of course not. I see your brothers and sisters every day at school and I met your father in the hospital. A vampire so committed to helping mortals, despite the discomfort it provokes him, won't harm me. I'm just worried about what they'll think of me…. I mean, I'm just a human…. which means I shouldn't even know about you guys."

She laughs even harder this time, while muffling the sound with her hand.

"You're not worried about visiting a house full of vampires, but you are afraid they won't like you?"

"Yeah, of course." I reply, pouting. "And I'm glad at least I'm entertaining you." I add as she chuckles again.

"Brandon," she whispers after calming down, "you'll be fine. Only Rosalie is mad at you. The others were really surprised at first, but now they're looking forward to meeting you. Of course, some of them will regret making a stupid bet…."

"What bet?"

"On whether I would bring you back home alive today. It's pretty sophomoric. I was so mad when I heard. I can't believe some of them would bet against Alice; she was convinced you would be fine."

"So who dared to bet against her?"

"I'm not sure. I was too angry to ask them about the details. Maybe I just didn't want to know."

I notice that somehow we are holding hands again. It feels more natural than when we are not. I'm glad. Now that everything is in the open we know where we stand. She also seems more comfortable being close to me.

"We never finished that conversation, earlier on." I remind her. "About your relatives' relationships…"

Lynn looks at me for a moment, her eyes searching my own.

"Yes, it's true. It's another difference between humans and vampires. I'm worried my explanation might displease you, but I promised I would be honest. It's related to what Carlisle calls the mysterious inner workings of the vampire mind."

She reads confusion in my expression and tries to explain herself a little better.

"I'm skipping a few steps. Let's try a different approach. I told you how our venom can turn, over time, humans into vampires…"

"Yes, I remember." That's not something I could easily forget. "From what you told me, it sounds like it could consist of some kind of organism able to forge a symbiotic relationship with a human host, if I had to guess based on my limited knowledge of biology…"

She looks a little awed for a moment, but quickly recovers.

"I knew you were smart but this is rather impressive. Carlisle has been studying this for centuries and yet he hasn't really figured out much more than what you just said. It seems like during the days of the transition this venom, or organism, is busy invading our body, mimicking, and bonding with, our internal structure. It keeps the heart beating for those few days, probably to spread easily to the entire host, and then shuts it down once it has its own new-and-improved network in place."

"So that would mean this organism, or collection of organisms, must develop a metabolism and a circulatory system of some sorts, to efficiently utilize the nutrients in the blood of your prey."

"Another good observation. I couldn't agree more, but our attempts to determine the specifics have thus far been unsuccessful. But let's refocus on the vampire mind. Among other things, this organism must somehow be able to support our brain, with our memories intact, and alter the type of resources it requires, which implies modifications, or even a rewiring, of our cognitive abilities. Carlisle could talk about this topic for years and never get bored. He would sit in his favorite armchair, light his pipe, put his feet up and happily spend a couple of decades or so analyzing it from every possible angle…. For now, let's just say that regardless of the specific reasons, still unknown to us, one result of this rewiring of the brain and its support systems is that our emotions, our psyche even, become more stable, or rigid if you prefer, compared to humans."

"I see….."

"The way Carlisle puts it, the human psyche has some fairly permanent components but it's usually in a constant state of flux in other areas. We see most humans as rather fickle beings really, their tastes and beliefs always mutating, their minds always looking for new stimuli and spinning new fictions to help them interpret the changing world around them. For us, however, it doesn't work that way. Drastic changes in our way of thinking and our relationships rarely happen at all, and when they do they are permanent. When we form a romantic attachment, for instance, for most of us it's a massive reorganization of our emotional state, and it can never be undone. So, if we mate, we mate for life. The werewolves are like that too, albeit for different reasons."

She watches me process the information and her eyes soften.

"So, if what you told me about your feelings for me is true, then…" I mutter, pondering the ramifications of what I just heard.

"You are my life now, and you will always be. The changes you made to the way I see the world and what matters to me most are permanent and irreversible. Love is not something we can take lightly. But I don't mean to scare you…" She insists, her voice tightening. "I know you are a human and your feelings might, and probably will, change. If that happens, if you outgrow me or get tired of me, just tell me. I promise you I will leave and…."

"Lynn, stop talking about leaving. Please. I already told you it makes me feel awful. And just so you know, you might be right about humans as a rule, but that doesn't apply to me. In my family, the males are pretty stubborn about everything."

I rub my fingers against the palm of her hand, itching to kiss her again but biding my time for now.

"Okay. Well, then, yes, I'm not lying to you, Brandon. You are the most important thing in my life now, and that will never change." She shakes her head and laughs. "Emmet and Rosalie are the worst, in a sense. We will soon have to go to their next wedding. They like ceremonies and Alice loves to organize them."

Before I can reply, she shushes me and looks at the door before whispering that my dad is in the washroom. It probably means he'll go to bed next. He must be tired; he got up really early this morning. Lynn and I need to remain quiet. We look at each other and grin; we can think of something that could be fun and still noise-free, as long as I behave myself. She comes closer, casting a warning look at me first, and then kisses me until the room starts to spin and I need a break. While I'm still catching my breath, she looks at the door and signals for me to be quiet.

"He's fallen asleep. I think we can talk now." She says after a few minutes. "You know Brandon, I'm really glad I met your father. He's a good man and I can see where your sweet green eyes come from. I also know you're not the only person whose mind I can't read now."

"You mean he's also impervious to your special skill?"

"Yes. I suppose whatever's blocking me runs in the family. A few weeks ago, at the hospital, I was too busy reading the minds of the accident's witnesses to notice….. But I want to try something else now….." She says with an impish smile.

Her fingertips curl around my neck and she gently nibbles on one of my earlobes with her lips; all thoughts of parents flee my brain. I mumble her name, my eyes closed. She breathes that she loves me in my ear and we kiss some more. We are both learning to be slow and careful, to keep it tender and lose ourselves in the moment without getting carried away.

During a moment of lull, I run my hand through her hair. She shivers and responds with nails skimming along my collar bone, dancing over my spine, and rubbing the hollows under my ears. I move back a few inches and she looks worried.

"Did I do something wrong?" She frowns, uncertain.

"No, the opposite. You're driving me crazy. I had to move away or I would have attacked you again."

A silver rill laugh fills my tiny bedroom.

"You are good at this too?" I ask her, a little sulkily. She doesn't reply, implicitly admitting it.

"It's because of you Brandon." Smoldering eyes sidetrack me for a few seconds…

"Sorry, what?"

"You are making me human again. Like I told you we rarely experience change. Most of my life was a long period of stasis. I was convinced that I didn't need or want a partner. I thought I was complete as a scholar and musician, and of course a vampire and a hunter. I love my wonderful family, and I have always cherished them, but I didn't understand their need for a romantic partner. At least, that was a need I had never felt."

She looks pained now, but wants to continue speaking.

"Carlisle and Esme often worried about me. Like I told you they even hoped I would fall for Valerian. When that didn't work they thought maybe I had been turned when I was too young, and that something was missing from my basic psychological makeup. Also, I had never felt romantic love as a human, my childhood spent in the shadow of a war so awful there was room for little else on our minds, and I suspected that my dour outlook on life might have crystallized into a permanent world-view because of the venom." She shakes her long unruly hair and I let my fingers trace the contours of her cool, smooth cheek. Her eyes briefly close.

"It's so strange. Now I know how incomplete I was. I understand all those things were mostly a way to fill the years. I was waiting for you… But you couldn't find me because you weren't born yet…." If she could cry, I believe she would, but it would be tears of happiness.

"You know," she adds feebly, "Esme, my mother, can't wait to meet the boy that melted the ice around my heart. She knew how lonely I was even when I didn't." I remember Jeff calls the ice queen, but decide not to mention it.

"I'm here now. We found each other." My voice is so gentle I wonder whether it really came from me. I move behind her and slowly wrap her in my arms. She leans against my chest with a contented sigh.

"See, take this, for example. You know I'm a lot stronger than you and I certainly don't need your protection. If anything, I should protect you. Of course I like your heat, but my body doesn't require it in the slightest. This reminds me of being a young girl decades ago, of seeking warmth and safety in the arms of others. Human feelings are regaining strength with every moment I spend with you. That's why it's so easy for us to be close now. As long as I was uncertain of you, and of how you'd react once you became fully aware of our differences, I was more susceptible to basic needs like my thirst. Now other emotions are completely in control."

I was wondering about that. She reaches behind her with one hand to softly cup my chin and tickle me a bit, under my jaw. I remember watching her sulk and scowl her way through life for weeks. Today, she has been laughing and smiling the whole time.

"You look a lot happier than usual, and today you laughed so much…." I cannot see her face, but her melodious answer tells me she's smiling once more.

"I'd forgotten what it was like to be human, Brandon. I was perfect, in some ways, but so cold and distant. Finally I can understand my family and their motivations a lot better, because now I also have somebody I cannot live without. And then, obviously, it's you. Being with you makes me ecstatic. When you're with me I feel like my heart is beating again."

"I was never a vampire, but that's how I feel too every time we meet." I want to do more than just hug her, but find solace in the thought that at least we are together. That's enough for now.

"But most importantly," she adds, sounding awed, almost reverent, "that's what love is supposed to be about, isn't it? A tsunami that lays waste to anything in its path. It's one thing to read about it, or see it portrayed in movies and plays, and another to actually feel it. That was another revelation."

"Yes, so much stronger than I'd ever imagined. And you affect me so much too, Lynn. When you're with me I feel so different, so free… and nothing, aside from the possibility of losing you, scares me."

Was that really me talking? What has she done to me?

She moves away just a little, so she can turn and we can look into each other's eyes while clocks melt and time stretches like an elastic ring.

"But getting to this point wasn't easy Brandon. The last few weeks have been a series of sudden, life-changing upheavals for me," she continues, still intense.

"Take jealousy, for example. Like love, it's depicted in thousands of books, movies and plays. I've seen it acted out for almost a century, in life and in fiction, and I thought I had a very clear grasp of what it was, even without actually feeling it."

A look of wry amusement suffuses her face.

"And then…. You remember the day Jessica asked you to the dance?"

"The day you finally started talking to me again, you mean?" I correct her. She doesn't pay me any attention. She's still smiling, but her eyes harden a little.

"At the beginning of class she came to your desk. I had been ignoring you, or pretending to, for weeks. When she was about to ask you that question, though, she had all my attention. I could read it in her mind so I knew it was coming. I barely managed not to visibly flinch, but suddenly I was flooded with a rush of emotions I couldn't fathom. It's like I was caught in a blizzard, unaware of directions, lost. I felt anger, of course, and I imagined slapping her so hard I would send her flying across the room and possibly through the wall, or twisting her head off and crushing every bone in it…. And I relished every imaginary detail of those sick fantasies, I'm sorry to say. I'd always found her annoying, but suddenly I actually hated her. I couldn't believe the strength of my loathing for that insignificant human airhead. Then I thought you might accept her invitation, and there were feelings there I couldn't understand either. Fear, I suppose, if I am to be honest with myself. And then there was despair. I didn't know where it came from, but it was there, holding hands with fear and anger. I could see an abyss open up in front of me, and I didn't know what I would do if I fell into it. I couldn't understand what was happening to me. I could only, for a brief instant, hope you would not accept." She smiles ruefully.

"And then, the unexpected happened. You turned her down, obviously annoyed. I was so caught up in your conversation I had turned in your direction without thinking. Jessica noticed and reading her mind told me what I was feeling and put a dainty little tag on it: I was jealous. I'd been alive, so to speak, for almost a century and I had never actually experienced it. When I finally did, I needed a human mind to help me understand it; it was humbling." Her eyes flit through a range of various emotions, but her mouth keeps smiling.

"So Jessica left, but throughout class I kept looking at you, and thinking about you. I didn't know why you had turned her down… I was happy, but I was also confused. Was it because you didn't like her? Was it because there was somebody else? Were you just not interested in dating for now, maybe waiting for the freedom of college? Once again, I bitterly cursed my inability to read your mind. While scanning the minds around me I realized other girls were planning to ask you to the dance. And as I listened to their thoughts, I realized that even if you turned them all down, even if no girl here in Forks could make you hers, someday, sooner or later, you would say yes to somebody. I pictured you going out with this mystery woman, kissing her, maybe marrying her and having her kids. That thought sent another wave of despair crashing through my mind's crumbling defenses. I wanted to talk to you more that day, but I messed it up. Turns out I'm not good at everything I do, after all. I wanted to understand you so badly, but trying to sound casual and facetious I offended you. Of course you were also upset at how I'd been treating you and I couldn't blame you. I kept my distance the rest of the day. And then," she says erupting into laughter, "the line started to form…. Angela was next. I thought for sure you would accept her invitation but you surprised me, as you always do, and after that…."

"You came to the game….."

"Because I knew what Jeff was going to ask you, and I wanted to hear your answer, yes."

It's my turn to laugh.

"At the time, part of me was hoping so badly that you were there for me, but another voice in my head told me I had to get my delusions under control if I didn't want to end up in an asylum. In other words, I thought I was going nuts."

Her smile turns tender.

"I'm glad I was there. That's when I realized how determined you can be. You played through the pain to help your teammates…. Alice and I were impressed. We told Emmet and he was too; he takes games very seriously. But when Alice and I left, I was more confused than ever, and my constant questions were driving her crazy. She loves me so she put up with it, but it must have been very difficult. I couldn't understand you, and your mind was closed to me. Why were you turning those girls down? Why did you keep saying no? And most of all, could I be the reason you did? I also thought I was going crazy; I'd been treating you so badly, why would you care about me at all? But parts of my mind kept wondering whether you would say yes to me, if I asked you. I knew that I couldn't ignore you any longer. I had to ask you a question. I needed to hear your answer."

"Couldn't Alice see the future? Didn't she tell you I'd say yes?"

"I have to explain something about Alice. She can see the future, yes, but the accuracy depends on various factors. She needs to be close to a person to divine future possibilities. I don't mean just physically close. She must know them, have a rapport with them. So for her it's easy to see events that mainly depend on my own decisions, but if strangers are added to the mix it becomes harder. The only exception are other vampires. She's quite attuned to other members of our kind. Anyways, at that time she couldn't be sure of you. Still, like I said she was very supportive, listened to my ramblings and told me that, based on her intuition, not her visions, I was the one you wanted. Assuming she was right, though, I still had one big problem…. Even if you really wanted to be with me, as dangerous as that might be for a human, you might still change your mind after you learned the truth, after you understood what I am. You only knew I was different. I was afraid you'd find out too much and then despise me and I didn't know how I could possibly live with that; anything you answered could be bad. I knew I should stay away from you, maybe even leave, but that's not what I wanted. Thinking about going back to Alaska just plunged me into complete agony."

She looks down, now, possibly ashamed of something.

"Brandon, I have one more confession to make. Would you be terribly upset if I told you that the very same day you turned them all down I came here, to your room, at night, and watched you sleep?"

"What? You came to my room that night?" I try to feel angry, but it doesn't work. "It's actually quite flattering." I grin. "I'm a guy. I've always dreamed of having my own personal stalker." I joke to lighten her mood and elicit a tiny, teensy laugh from her.

"You won't be upset if I say you talk in your sleep?"

"I know that. My mom used to tease me about it." Wait a minute, I don't like where this is going. "So, er, wait, what did I say?"

"Well, that night I came here because I just wanted to look at you. I was wrestling with two very different courses of action. On one hand, I was thinking of what was right, what was ethical. On the other, I knew what my heart wanted more than ever, and that my human instincts and desires had been ignored for too long and were back with a vengeance. I kept going back and forth, from one extreme to the other. I pledged leaving Forks to whatever God would listen, and then I reneged on my vows and imagined asking you the question burning, along with my thirst, in my throat. And then, a miracle of sorts happened…. There's no other way to put it, really." Her eyes are so soft now. She kisses my fingers and holds my hand.

"You called my name. 'Lynn', you said. It was so loud and clear for a second I thought you had woken up. But no, your eyes were closed; you just turned over and uttered my name one more time. 'Come to me', you said. When you did, a staggering, overwhelming feeling shook me to my core. You had turned all the others down because you wanted me, only me. I was filled with light, with hope, with dreams. I also knew I really couldn't stay away from you anymore. I thought I had known incomparable joys and sorrows over those ninety years, and yet most of my memories had paled compared to that single, irreplaceable moment." Her eyes smolder again and we kiss, cautiously at first. We separate when we feel our urgency increase. I pull her into my arms again and her ear rests above my heart.

"Lynn. You have been alive for ninety years. Am I really your first love? You never had a boyfriend? I mean, I know, that's what you said, I was listening. It just seems impossible. I'm really not special at all. You are a goddess. I can't believe you never met anybody else that made you feel like this."

She laughs a little.

"I know it's strange, strange but true. I never felt that way, for anybody. And stop diminishing yourself. You are far from ordinary. But you're right; I was alone a long time. That's why my falling for you has caught everybody by surprise. I didn't really understand it myself at first. Alice figured it out before I did." She looks bemused.

"I have one more question. It's very important but I'm a little embarrassed."

Once again, she reluctantly shifts position to look at me.

"What is it, Brandon? You can ask me anything…."

"Well, you said Emmet and Rosalie get married all the time. Of course your dad is married to your mother…. Is it, well, like for humans? Can vampires have, you know…."

"Sex?" she says with one more wind-chime laugh. I never get tired of hearing it. "Yes, we can have sex. We are just like humans that way, but usually a lot more faithful, for reasons we already discussed, and of course we have a lot more stamina. At times we have to give Emmet and Rosalie their own house to get a little peace and quiet in our life. When they're in the mood they can keep at it for days." It's her turn to leer at me. I swallow hard.

"Well, er, I was wondering if you and I could ever, you know, when we're ready…" My cheeks must be turning purple.

"Oh, Brandon," a sinister shadow falls across her face, her mouth trembles. "That might not be easy…"

"Because of your thirst?"

"It is certainly part of the problem, but no, I really think I will be okay with that. My throat will always burn a little, but other feelings are now definitely stronger, much stronger. No, the real reason is that you are a human and therefore so fragile. Of course I don't want to hurt you, but if I lose control I might do so by accident. I might just reach out to caress you and accidentally crush your skull. I'm afraid."

"There is really no hope then?" Could my cheeks spontaneously combust?

"No, there is. It's just… it's just like I told you. I need time to learn to be around you, to be close to you; I need to practice being with a human, and harnessing those new cravings. I'm sure it will be possible but we have to take it slow…."

"That's okay." I try not to show it but she can tell I'm still dissatisfied with her reply. "But I need to know one thing…. Do you, er, want me that way? Like a human girl would want me? I think my earlier assault told you how I feel about you…." Where is a fire extinguisher when you need one?

She laughs and then her eyes become hungry. She doesn't reply, she just caresses my throat and cheeks again, parts my lips with her finger, sighs. I get chills.

"Yes. I want you, and I want you badly, in any way possible. This is also so new to me. It's unbelievable. It adds to the complexity I feel. I'm just so scared I could hurt you." Her voice is laced with honey but there is sadness in it.

"It's okay. That's all I needed to know. We'll just take our time then."

"But," she adds, "Now that you mention it…. I'm curious. Have you ever….?"

"No. I told you I had never felt anything like this before. No way."

"Brandon," her smile is wry, world-weary, "I can read minds. I know that, for many humans, lust and love are not the same thing."

"Well, okay, I won't deny that I lusted after some girls I met or famous models and the likes, but I have never had a girlfriend, like I told you, or anything more than daydreams. Now I love you and I want you more than I've ever desired anybody else. I don't think it's a coincidence."

Wait, what did I just say? She's stirring my brain with a swizzle stick again.

"I'm glad we have that in common. Despite everything, we are both new to this."

"Yes. We'll have to find our own way."

I'm getting a little cold in my sweatpants and t-shirt, and I crawl under the covers. Lynn takes off her pants, while I try not to notice the supernatural perfection of her legs, and slides in with me. She spoons me, moving gingerly, and once she's pressed against me she hums a few ethereal notes.

"Would you like to sleep?" She asks in a velvety whisper.

"I don't know if I can sleep with you here."

"You did it once before…"

I roll my eyes; too bad she can't see me.

"Yeah, but I didn't know. Anyways, I want to hear more of that. It sounded nice."

She starts humming again. It's a tune I don't recognize but it's very soothing. The beginning is slow and atmospheric, but it soon becomes more complex, evolving in different directions. At one point she produces short bursts of notes interspersed with silent bars. Half way between sleep and wakefulness I wait for the beginning of the theme to come back and fill the silence with a counterpoint melody: descending runs alternating with her soaring ones. I don't know the notes, I'm not that kind of musician, but I think they sound nice.

Still, I am tired. It's been a long day and I'm physically and emotionally wrung out….. And the melody is so relaxing. I hold one of her hands in front of me, kiss it, and eventually feel the room fade to black. I hope I will dream of her.