Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight
Chapter 24 - A Cunning Plan
On Sunday dad goes fishing again, which leaves me free to spend most of the day with Lynn since we have already done all our homework. We decide to go to our meadow, as we call it, and we run there all the way. Well, she runs and I play the part of her backpack. Running is something she always loved and she says she enjoys it even more if I'm with her. It's a little humiliating to be relegated to the role of pleasant burden but at least we make sure we don't have any witnesses. If anybody were to see us I don't think I could survive the resulting embarrassment.
By the time we get there it's sunny and we lie on a waterproof blanket I packed with my food and water. We hold hands, kiss and make out a little, or look at the few straggly clouds whipped to and fro by the wind and search for familiar shapes in their cottony folds. I also give Billy a call, and he confirms that Jacob, still spaced out on morphine, is slowly getting better. I promise that in a few days Dr. Cullen will visit him again to assess his condition.
Even though we don't really do much time still seems to fly by. Just being together, free to look at each other and chat about anything we like all day long, feels perfect. We are a little frustrated, as usual, by the need to proceed with caution when it comes to intimacy, but our unmet desires still add a thrilling spark to our nearness. I might be a bit of a masochist but at times I find the unresolved sexual tension between us oddly enjoyable, not entirely unlike the excitement of waiting to unwrap Christmas presents when I was a kid.
Eventually, I feel so relaxed and close to her that I decide to broach the subject we stayed away from a few days ago, when Rosalie got upset with us in the cafeteria. I try a subtle tack today.
"Lynn, there is something I wanted to ask you. At school, Alice told us about one of the futures she sees for us, the one in which you, or someone in your family, turn me…." I keep my eyes trained on hers, observing her reactions carefully. She cringes a little when she figures out the topic of our next chat, but maintains a neutral expression.
"Like I said, it's something I will have to ponder over time, but I must admit I'm curious about something. You seemed upset when she mentioned it. I understand why you might feel it's too soon, and really I agree with you on that point, but your reaction confused me. The way I see it, it is the only way for us to be together in the long run. I don't understand why, in some ways at least, it obviously bothered you as much as it pleased you."
"Brandon…. I'm really happy you are considering that option; it shows how much you care for me…. And I can see how it would be good for us, of course. But you know I have lived my life according to certain rules, and that my father prefers to only turn people who have no other choice…." Our eyes meet and hold. She frowns a little, almost subconsciously, and yet her lips try to smile. I can feel she's conflicted about all this, but her explanation isn't good enough.
"I understand that, but I'm not sure I see the problem. Most of your family would be happy to see us together and, quite frankly, to me it makes more sense to turn somebody who is choosing to go down this path rather than people who are basically forced to do so. Like you said yourself, you never had a choice." She grimaces, but soon a smile returns.
"Brandon, to me it feels somewhat wrong to deprive you of your human life, to turn you into a monster…" To her surprise, I actually laugh this time. When I regain control of myself, I roll my eyes.
"You really like to feel the weight of the world on your shoulders, don't you?" She gawks at me, thoroughly shaken by my reaction.
"But the truth is, you're just being a silly vampire girl again. Why are you a monster? Because you saved my life? Because you can live a long time, gather knowledge, travel, see and do things that most mortals can only dream of? Or is it because your father spent the last three hundred years helping humans as a doctor?"
"Brandon, we feed on blood… To survive we have to end lives." She manages to shift her expression into a mean glower, but I'm unfazed.
"So? Is a lion a monster when it feeds on a gazelle, or on a deer if we are talking about local mountain lions? Most animals hunt and eat other creatures… and humans eat the flesh of living creatures daily. I'd say we are the worst monsters on this planet, in fact. Just look at the nuclear bomb, concentration camps, gulags, torture… The list goes on and on. Seriously, vampires are beer league in comparison."
Lynn remains speechless throughout my tirade. It's really hard to argue against it. She bites her lip.
"Well, Brandon, there is something you need to remember. The turning process is extremely painful. For one thing I do not wish you to go through that. It usually lasts two to four days and, yeah, it's pure agony. There is really no other way to describe it. Also, most newborns need at least a year to fully recover their faculties, their personality. Their initial life is usually dominated by their thirst for blood."
"Okay, that sounds awful, but still worth it for an eternity, or close to that, with the one we love…."
"Brandon," she shakes her head, "you haven't thought this through… How about your human relatives? Your mom… Your dad…. You might not be able to ever see them again; your changes would be too obvious."
"Okay, and that is something worth thinking about, but it should still be my choice. In the end, my parents lived their life the way they wanted to. I have a right to live mine…"
"You're using the term 'life' rather loosely…." She moans.
"No, I'm not. Whatever your biological makeup, or your metabolism, you are just as alive as any human, obviously. If you weren't we wouldn't be talking."
"There is one more thing…" She adds, hesitantly. "We can have sex, true, and my family members describe it as fantastic. Emmet and Rosalie demolished a few homes in the process, to Esme's extreme displeasure. Until recently, I thought it wasn't for me. Now, with new desires coursing through my veins, stirring all of my emotions, I can see how they could be right…. But, Brandon, there is another difference: I can't have children. I think that's what Rosalie misses the most about the human condition… The chance to have a baby and watch him grow."
I have to laugh again. She rolls her eyes. She wants to say I'm impossible but doesn't even have to use the words; she knows I can see it in her eyes.
"I'm a guy, remember? Having kids is really not as big of a deal as for a woman. More importantly, the way I see it the planet is already full of people. There are so many of us we are wrecking our own environment, if other forms of cruelty and stupidity were not enough. I don't want to have children regardless of who my girlfriend is. This planet needs more vampires and less humans if you ask me."
She has to chuckle at that but soon goes back to frowning, deep in thought.
"Brandon, you really think you have an answer for everything, so I guess I'll have to tell you what I'm most worried about. Two things, actually…" She bites her lip again, pondering her next words…
"Like I told you, human emotions fluctuate wildly, and people change constantly. Teenagers, especially, can be very unpredictable. This kind of change, though, is permanent and everlasting. I'm afraid you would regret it…."
"Fair point," I respond before she can continue, "but as we discussed the males of my family are not your average fickle humans…" I leer at her suggestively and elicit a pained laugh. "And I wouldn't want to change right away. We would give it time, wait until I'm certain that's what we both want. What's your other objection?"
"You're asking us to kill you, in a sense, to deprive you of your human soul. Carlisle and I take this very seriously and I….."
"Wait, my 'soul'? Are you kidding me?" I must look genuinely stunned because she actually laughs again and playfully musses my hair, no matter how tense our chat has become.
"You realize I've lived most of my life in the twenty-first century…." I explain patiently, "and on the west coast to boot. There aren't many humans around here who even care whether the soul exists. Scientists have been trying to find it for ages now, but have come up with no conclusive proof. You were born at a different time and that clearly influenced your views, but still…. You are worried about a superstition?"
She shakes her head.
"I understand all that, but you don't know for sure. What if the soul does exist? If we turn you we might erase your true essence, condemn you to a life of darkness without hope of redemption. You'll have to come up with something better than twenty-first century cynicism to convince me this is just a laughing matter."
I take that as a challenge.
"Okay, I will. But for now, let me ask you something else…. I'm curious…. Assuming we don't do this, how would you envision our future together then?"
"I love you, but I have no right to make demands of you. You brought so much light and joy into my life, you really did, but it doesn't change the fact that, exactly because I care for you so much, I will always be bound by your will. I want to be with you your whole life, but if you outgrow me or change your mind I promise I will leave you alone. I'll always respect your wishes."
She looks so sad now, and I understand the meaning of some of her occasional silences. Despite everything that has gone on between us thus far, she still can't believe I love her as much as she loves me, or that I will always want her. How can she be so blind? Another thought strikes me.
"I'm ageing with every passing day. Will you still want me when I become a wrinkled old man? Really?"
"Age means nothing to me, Brandon. You'll always be beautiful to me. My feelings cannot change. Falling for you was something I had never believed possible, but it's happened and it won't go away." Her eyes are soft, but what she's saying is just idiotic.
"You realize I will die eventually, right? That's the only thing all humans will do for sure, sooner or later." I love her more than I ever imagined I could, but sometimes she's so unreasonable.
"I will follow you as soon as possible. A life without you in it has no meaning for me now. Like I told you so many times…." Her eyes smolder, but it won't distract me this time.
"So, that's your plan? That is so, so….. lame, really. Your concept of a cunning plan leaves a lot to be desired. Are you really trying to say that watching me die and then committing suicide would be preferable to sharing forever with the man you love? Because that's what I'm hearing…."
She gapes at me, shocked at first and then incredulous. I'm waiting for some anger, but I don't think it's coming.
"I give up Brandon, for now, but know that you still owe me an answer if you really want me to support you with this."
I scrutinize her for a few moments… But for now I have to give up as well. We could talk all day, but it would be pointless. She might be smarter than anybody I met but that doesn't help if she's not truly listening. She says I don't see myself clearly, but that applies to her too. It's clear that words will never be enough, but I wish I could show her how wrong she is. I wish there was a way to show her the truth. I shake my head. I won't come up with one this very minute, might as well think of something else.
"Okay. Well, since I don't know how much time I have left, how about we use it to do something more fun than arguing….?"
"Such as?" Her smile returns. She knows. I don't say a word, just inch closer to her until our lips meet.
When we part she looks serious.
"Alice still believes those drifters won't be a problem but I'm not so sure. Their movements seem rather unpredictable. At least they might not risk entering the rez anymore. I'd really prefer to spend the next few weeks as close as possible to you."
"Well, no complaints here. Spend as much time with me as you want. Better yet, never leave my side. But won't you have to hunt? Your eyes are darkening every day. Your thirst must be getting uncomfortable. I could accompany you if you like…."
She looks upset.
"That is not a good idea, Brandon. When we hunt we mainly rely on our instincts and you know how much your scent appeals to part of me. It would be way too dangerous. I was thinking I could hunt while you sleep, or maybe you could spend time with Alice and Jasper while I'm away. They'd protect you with their life, you know. They love you too now."
"Yeah, and you know I feel the same way about them…. But Alice could also use that time to turn me into a department store dummy…." I say, mimicking terror.
We both laugh at that and soon resume kissing, banishing the world of men from our minds to explore the world of feelings that connects us and feels much more important to us.