When Nita next opened her eyes, she was in some sort of cell, wrapped to the bed with the sort of licorice that you peel like string cheese. The walls were a deep dark brown and smelled of chocolate sprinkled with rosemary. She scanned the room as well as she could from where she was laying.
There were two guards outside the cell, both almost as short as she was. They were wearing the same red and green ensemble that the others were wearing earlier, these just in darker shades. She noticed Dynamike still lifeless in the corner of the cell, the guards must not have restrained him.
A few quick bites to the chains had her freed, though she stayed lying on the bed, thoughtfully chewing on her candy chains. She eventually figured if she was going to escape, she would need to know where she was.
"Hey, Misters, where are we?" She asked, walking up to the bars and wrapping her hands around the sticky material. She pulled one hand away and sniffed to try to catch a scent. 'Smells… sweet.'
"We give out that information on a need-to-know basis. You do not need to know," the first guard remarked haughtily, his face still facing forward. The second one just glared at her before turning to whack his friend on the shoulder. "What do you want, Virg… how did you get out of your chains?" The guard asked, staring at her. Nita merely raised her eyebrows and licked her lips.
"They were very yummy." Both guards seemed shocked that the child would eat candy.
"You- never mind, it doesn't matter! You'll never get out of that cell! The bars are black licorice swirled pieces of unsweetened chocolate!" Nita wrinkled her nose and licked her hand, tasting the pure cocoa flavor on her palm. She slammed her hand on the bars and looked around the tiny cell, looking for something she could use. As she searched, she caught Dynamike's eyes. The man looked as if he was simultaneously drunk and hungover.
In Nita's eyes, he looked like the perfect tool for escape.
"Morning Mr. Mike, do you want something to eat?"
Dynamike groaned and put a hand to his head. "That would be lovely, dear."
Nita grabbed his elbow and helped him up, leading him to the bars. "Mr. Mike, do you like unsweetened chocolate? Or black licorice?"
"Do I love coal soot choking my lungs?!" Dynamike bolted for bars, sinking his teeth deep into the sturdy and squishy treat. His voracious tear through the bars startled the guards as Nita happily watched from behind. The guards called for backup as Dynamike ripped a section of the bar with ease. When the bars were weak enough, Nita summoned her bear.
"I would run," she said innocently as Bruce crashed through the bars. Nita grabbed Dynamike's hand and dashed after the beast, blowing a raspberry at the guards as she passed. The two of them ran through the halls, barreling through anyone who got in their way. A group of guards here, a few workers there, no one could stand in their way.
As they ran further through this foreign complex Nita noticed that the candy themed structure was getting more intricate with each turn. Peppermint pillars, gingerbread tables, even the water that was turning a giant wheel outside seemed to be flowing with an eggnog like liquid. Nita was trying to breathe through her mouth in order to block the sickening scent of candy assaulting her senses.
Dynamike finally registered their current situation, "Nita?! Where are we going?"
"I dunno, away from the cell?" She hadn't given the plan much thought, she preferred to escape first then plan later.
A frantic tapping at her shoulder caught her attention, "Behind us!"
She turned to see a small group of men and women rushing behind them. All the tiny people were equipped to the teeth with sharp candy canes and pretzel batons. She thought she saw a strange wooden shotgun with walnuts bobbling inside a glass case.
Her mind searched for a solution to their predicament. Bruce could handle the front but they didn't have a plan to lose this swarm of people. "Mr. Mike, slow them down!"
"How?!"
"Explosions!"
Dynamike's smile grew several sizes at that word. He didn't get the green light often but when he did… he went wild. He jumped in the air, rotating his body so he was facing the swarm. With a toothy grin reaching from cheek to cheek, he reached into the giant barrel he kept on his back and assaulted the crowd with deadly explosives.
The sparks that lit up the ground from his bombs danced across his giddy eyes. He landed and continued to run with Nita freely, "I love TNT!"
As her companion pushed forward and Dynamike held off the growing swarm behind, Nita tried to scan for a safe place to hide. She got her solution with a large crevice between what looked like a cake shop and a doll store. She turned back to Dynamike, requesting a giant distraction so they could slip away. She got her request with Dynamike spinning wildly.
As his rotations increased she watched as several sticks of dynamite flew around them. Bruce stopped rushing forward, sensing Nita's new instructions and ducking between the two buildings. Their pursuers scattered in hopes of avoiding the uncultivated offensive. When they all dispersed Nita and Dynamike joined Bruce inside the crevice.
They sat there silently for a while, watching as several guards and civilians ran around them. They noticed a theme in the people's dress, red and green with strange shoes and bells across their garments. When the search started to calm Nita found it safe to talk, "Where are we?"
Dynamike and Bruce shrugged as a response.
Nita scratched her head through her bear pelt, "Where's Penny?"
Dynamike and Bruce looked at one another with concern.
Nita bumped her head against the wall, "What's happening?"
The two males watched with concern as Nita sulked silently. The miner tentatively reached a hand out, "Listen kid. I know this is weird. Being in some strange place and losing your friend, but everything's gonna be fine."
Nita wasn't easily convinced, "Why are you so calm?"
"Eh. This isn't the first time I woke up somewhere I didn't fall asleep."
"How does that help us?"
"It means that I'm used to handling strange and unusual situations. Besides, we're brawlers. We can do anything." He accented that statement with a soft punch to the shoulder.
Nita couldn't help but smile at his encouraging words. "You're not as bad as Jacky says."
"Of course not… I'm worse." They both softly chuckled at his self-deprecating humor. Bruce interrupted their laughter with a few short growls.
Nita looked up at her familiar, "You're right, we need to move." She patted her face, trying to get the blood flowing back to her cheeks.
Dynamike checked his giant barrel, pulling out a few extra boom-sticks. He looked to Nita, who was currently peeking out of their hiding spot. "What's the plan?"
"We have to escape…"
"Obviously."
"But first, we've gotta find Penny."
"Sounds good to me." He joined her in scanning their surroundings, a few guards walked past them. They heard them mention an older male with sticks of fire, a giant bear with the face of a cub, and a child with teeth like knives. After chuckling at the accurate descriptions Dynamike posed a question, "How do we find Penny?"
Nita pointed towards a large door in the distance. Large wooden handles were shown visually but the people that entered made their way through a small door at the bottom. "Big means important."
"You think they're holding her there?"
"Even if they aren't, whatever's in there must be important. Either we find Penny, or we find their boss."
Dynamike marveled at the girl, "That is a surprisingly well thought out plan."
"Someone has to be the voice of reason, you crazy old man."
Dynamike gave his response through pursed lips, "Ugh, Jacky's rubbing off on you."
Nita playfully stuck out a tongue before refocusing on their target ahead. They both noticed the large number of guards and traffic heading in and out the door. They both talked for a minute, trying to find the safest way inside. But all their plans came to the same conclusion; they would have to fight their way through the door.
Nita stood from her seated position, cracking her knuckles and popping a stiff joint in her neck. She looked behind her, her bear companion standing tall above them. "Ready big guy?" Bruce responded with a gruff snort. She looked back to Dynamike, "What about you grandpa?"
Dynamike's back cracked as he stood up. He gladly popped his stiff spine then smiled at the girl, two sticks of dynamite seeming to magically appear in his hands. "Age is just a number. But I'll show ya what I've learned in all these years."
"Alright… We go on three." Bruce dropped low to the ground, his massive claws extending as he prepared to go to war.
"One…"
Dynamike pulled out his lighter, easily shifting it from one hand to the other.
"Two…"
Nita took a good whiff of the air. She could smell all the mixing scents of human bodies and sickening sweets. She couldn't tell how many people were ahead of them, but she knew that number would only grow as they pushed through the crowd.
What she did know… this was going to be fun.
"Three more seconds. Three more seconds and I could have gotten them out of there."
"I told you Penny there was no time to waste. We are on the clock."
Penny threw her hands behind her head, "364 days and you idiots can't even do maintenance without me."
The tiny man she was following quickly turned to face her. He had his finger in the air as he stiffly gripped a clipboard in his free hand. He clicked his tongue twice then said, "None of the sass. The sooner you get done the sooner you go home."
Penny rolled her eyes, choosing to focus on her surroundings as she absently followed the miniature man. She took in the sights and smells around her. Large floral displays of ruby red bows and snow white sparkles fell from the ceiling above. She shifted to her right, allowing a small group of workers to run past with bike parts in hand. Another group could be seen on the edges of the giant room, tinkering away at more items she couldn't identify.
As they approached their destination, Penny quickly gave the room another scan. She noticed several of the workers looking to her in awe. She rolled her eyes again, turning back to the man that led her here.
She blew a frustrated breath as a large man dressed in deep reds and dazzling whites approached them. He stood over her like a skyscraper, but the smile that was plastered across his merry mug projected his warm personality. "Alright, Nicky, what seems to be the problem with the hunk of junk this year?"
Her escort scoffed at her, "Penny! You can not address Mr. Claus in such a manner! He is the spirit of Christmas, he is to be treated with respect!"
"I assure you, Sparkle, it's quite alright." Mr. Clause let loose a hefty laugh that originated deep within his belly. "I do hate to interrupt your night but the balance seems off and the seat won't stop rocking. I would hate for the presents to fall out the sleigh during the trip."
Penny pinched the bridge of her nose. "The balance probably seemed off because the seat was rocking, but I can check it anyways," she grumbled. She opened a panel on the bottom of the sled that led to the Magical Balance Distributors. She requested a flashlight, which one of Santa's little helpers quickly passed her way. "I don't see anything, so it was probably just the seat messing with your head." She stood up and stretched. "You called me all the way here for a rocking bench? Seriously? You're worse than Tick when he has a squeaky hinge." Penny climbed up into the sled, calling for a wrench and searching under the seat for any loose bolts.
Mr. Claus peaked over the edge of the sleigh, "You know, Penny, with all the help you provide for us we should give you an official elf name. I'm thinking… hm… Kringle McJingle?" Penny shot a grumpy grimace at Santa, who was chuckling to himself softly. "On a serious note, thank you for checking the old bird over before Christmas. I can't deliver toys if I'm tossing my cookies with all that rocking!" The man let loose another belly laugh, his signature "Ho Ho Ho!" ringing across the room.
Penny rolled her eyes again and jumped out of the sleigh. "I just need to reactivate the balances, and she should be all good." Penny said, crawling back under the sleigh.
Sparkle stepped up to the pair, "Sir, could you come here for a second? There seems to be a problem with one of the toy belts." Santa sighed and walked around to the back side of the sleigh.
Penny was humming a frustrated song to herself as she worked on the sleigh. Just as she finished reactivating the balances, the volume of the room swelled a little and she heard one of the reindeer whinny. She cringed as she thought about whoever was on the other end of those hooves. She lifted the panel that covered the inner workings of the sleigh and reached out requesting a screwdriver.
After a short pause Penny grew frustrated, "Hey, where's my screwdriver?" She shouted. A little hand slipped under the sled. "Thanks-"
"Help me," the elf groaned, his face pleading for a savior. He had bruises covering most of his face and was missing a few teeth.
What in the name of Darryl's lucky hat happened to him? She carefully set the panel back on the floor and slid over to the wounded elf. "Hey, Twinkletoes, what's up with your face?" The elf wailed and laid his head back on the floor.
"They're monsters! They took out the entirety of the Chimneysweep Unit!" Penny sucked in a sharp breath. The Chimneysweep Unit was a legion of trained spy elves, dedicated to taking care of people who gave Santa trouble when he was delivering presents. No normal person could beat them all. Even a few of them gave her trouble.
"Dangit, did Krampus' Kronies come back for round 2?" she began to shimmy her way out from under the sled. The elf put a hand on her kneecap.
"Ms. Penny?"
"What?"
The elf smiled tiredly at her. "Just Twinkle is fine. Twinkletoes was my father." Penny pushed the extra small elf under the sleigh. As she stood up from her prone position a small weight crashed against her gut. The force of the projectile knocked her off her feet, the body laying on top of her. She pushed the body off and gasped at the scene. In her lap was the unconscious body of Private Jason Sprinkles, second in command of the Chimneysweep Unit. 'Sweet sails, Twinkletoes wasn't lying! They're wiping the floor with the sweeps.'
She pushed the private aside and hopped to her feet. She scanned the carnage before her. Noticing what seemed to be hundreds of elves all colliding on one position. She stared in awe as bodies flew away from the epicenter of this sentient storm.
As she dodged the human projectiles she noticed that the beings launching them were three humanoid objects. She noticed a small speck of red and white heads bobbing up and down. A list of explosions were rocking the ground as she got closer. She turned to her right and observed a group of elves exploding from double dynamite domination.
As she grew closer she noticed more similarities in their attacks. Explosions were being lobbed from a safe distance. Shockwaves rocked the ground around her as a giant creature ripped through the crowd. Then Penny noticed it, the giant creature's big black nose and sharp teeth. It's marron red fur and ferocious roar. She knew that bear from anywhere. She looked towards the center and saw them.
Dyanmike and Nita were easily tearing through the army of elves like a rainstorm melting paper-mâché.
She sulked at the scene, 'Of course it's them.'
Penny slipped her Plunderbuss from her thigh holster. She took her time, patiently waiting for the perfect opportunity. A chance to catch their attention and calm them down in one shot. She got her opportunity when Nita slipped behind Bruce, the massive beast absorbing the ranged attacks of the elves useless weaponry.
With a calm mind she pulled the trigger, releasing a large coin pouch filled with the shiny doubloons collected from years of pillaging across the seas. Bruce saw the attack, spreading his arms out to absorb the brunt of the blow. The coin pouch was deceptively powerful, the coins seeming to bore a hole deep into his furry frame. Nita could feel his pain and turned to face her companion.
She was unfortunately met with the force of many tiny coins assaulting her face and flesh. Dynamike was also destroyed by the doubloons, dropping a stick of dynamite at his feet. He kicked it away and watched as another wave of elves went up in smoke.
Nita recovered from the shocking attack a giant smile on her face. "I know that feeling." She looked past her giant bear, her heart warming up at her friend's presence. "Penny!"
Penny wasn't as happy, "What are you doing?!"
"W-What?"
Penny loaded another shot, "What are you doing?"
Nita quickly gave a pleading response, "Saving you!"
Penny motioned towards herself, "Do I look like I need saving?"
Nita was going to respond, but Bruce had grown enraged. He reached to his side, picking up a limp body by it's leg and raising it high above his head. Penny squinted her eyes then her blood chilled, 'Mother of mermaids is that the head of the Chimneysweeps?' She pointed her barrel at Bruce, "Bruce put the elf down."
Dynamike heard her demand, "Elf?"
Bruce was not open for negotiations. He launched the Chimneysweep's leader at Penny's head. She easily rolled out the way, watching in horror as the leader's body crashed against the sleigh with a sickening smack.
The sleigh teetered back and forth on it's stand, trying to find its equilibrium and failing miserably. Penny could only watch as the sleigh toppled over, crashing to the ground. Penny ripped at her hair, "Now the MBD really is screwed up!"
Penny turned back to the trio, ready to scold them for almost ruining Christmas. Then she heard a terrifying sound. A low groan that reeked of dying joy. She ran over to the turned over sleigh and gasped at the sight. Trapped beneath the sleigh was the jolly old giant Santa Claus himself.
Sparkle quickly jumped to his feet, screaming over the chaos, "KRINGLE HAS BEEN CRUSHED!"
The elves that had been throwing their bodies at the intruders quickly turned their attention to the accident.
"Santa! Are you okay?!" Penny cried out with the first sign of concern since she arrived.
"Santa? What in tarnation are you talking about, Penny?" Dynamike asked as he was shoved around by the swarm of elves Penny was too focused on rescuing the spirit of Christmas to respond.
"Nita! Get over here!" Penny shouted, trying to assess the damage done to both the sleigh and Santa himself. Nita was still confused but didn't ask many questions. "Can you lift this?" Nita squatted down and slid her hands under the sleigh, easily lifting the giant cart off of Santa's body. Penny and the elves quickly pulled him out then swarmed him like bees to honey.
Penny spoke up, "Santa, are you okay?" He tried to groan out a response but she quickly silenced him. "Of course you aren't, you got flattened by your sleigh! What hurts?"
"Penny, while I appreciate your concern I'm fine." He pushed several of the elves away and tried to get to a vertical base. He quickly crumbled down to the ground, his leg giving out beneath him.
"For the love of all that is merry and bright Claus, sit down!" Santa groaned again as Penny led him over to a bench, acting as his crutch. "Sparkle, round up all the Candy Strippers you can find. Claus needs medical attention."
"Right away." Penny turned to face the masses of elves. Some were lying immobile on the floor, others were walking around, trying to clean up the mess and help their fellow elves. She climbed onto the overturned sleigh, careful not to dent anything that she would have to repair.
"If you aren't hurt, you need to start clearing the way for the sleigh! Christmas is still happening, ye pitiful keebler rejects!" The elves who could walk bustled away, leaving the medical elves to take care of their injured comrades. Penny hopped off of the sleigh and walked over to find Sparkle. "If he can't deliver, Mrs. Claus can, right?"
Sparkle flipped through the paper on his clipboard in a panic. "I think so? I'm not entirely sure. Hardly anybody knows what Mrs. Claus does on Christmas." Penny grabbed the elf by his collar and hoisted him into the air.
"Then find out. Unless you want most of the earth bawling on Christmas morning," She snarled, dropping him and watching as he scrambled to his feet and scampered away. "Nita. Sleigh. Get it upright." The girl nodded and grabbed the lip of the sleigh, lifting it as if it were a toy. Once she lifted it over her head, Bruce stepped in to help, pushing it up the rest of the way. Nita went over to Penny to ask her what she could do next and found her talking to another elf, this one wearing a bright red candy cane patch on her shoulder.
"Nita, Mike, let's go. The Candy Strippers are here to take Claus to the infirmary, and he wants to talk to us." Penny growled, shoving her hands in her pockets, already starting to follow the medics carrying Santa to the infirmary. Nita and Dynamike shrugged before running to catch up.
"Hey Penny, where are we?" Nita asked perkily. Penny glanced at the smiling girl out of the corner of her eye.
"Santa's workshop, obviously," she huffed.
Nita hummed contentedly before freezing in her tracks. "Wait, really?" Penny groaned internally as Dynamike's interest was piqued.
"Wait, You mean the big man in the red coat? His workshop?" Dynamike asked. Nita was already starting to bounce on the balls of her feet.
"No, Santa as in the Easter bunny."
Nita stopped bouncing for a second. "What?"
Penny rolled her eyes. "I was being sarcastic."
"So we get to meet Santa!" Nita shouted, jumping up and down and running around. Penny growled, feeling her sanity stretch and start to snap.
"How are you so chipper?" Penny shouted, turning on Nita. "Don't you realize what you did?"
Nita couldn't formulate a response, she was taken aback by the sudden outburst. Dynamike stepped towards Penny, pushing Nita behind him. "Now Penny, maybe you shouldn't get so worked up about this."
Penny was tired of their reckless antics. She pushed Dynamike into Nita, forcing the girl to catch him. "Maybe you should be more concerned, Dynamike, because in case you haven't noticed, you just ruined Christmas! Congratulations!" Penny stormed off, still following the medics, leaving Dynamike and Nita stunned.
"Mr. Mike, did we really ruin Christmas?" Nita sniffed. Dynamike put an arm around her shoulder and pulled her into a hug.
"We can fix this. Now, let's go see ol' Mr. Claus, alright?" Nita sniffled again and nodded, and the two walked off to go find Santa.
Queen: And just like that, a child and an elderly drunk manage to single handedly ruin Christmas.
Sammy: Meh not there fault tho. They were kidnapped.
Queen: In a weird, magical way. If I were in their shoes, I would probably summon a giant, elf-destroying bear too.
Sammy: In the words of the immortal masters of swag. It is what it is. *walks off into the distance*
Queen: Where are you going?
Sammy: I dunno… somewhere. They're all yours.
Queen: Okay then. Well, everyone, hope you liked this chapter! We're gonna have a double header tomorrow, so get hyped for that! Thank you for reading another one of our silly scripts, please keep reading, and goodnight!