Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter

A/N: Written for Twistmas 2020. This is pure crack!fic. Please enjoy...

Draco

"Alright, Malfoy," Harry started, circling the blonde, "I need you to tell me precisely what happened at the Ministry Christmas Party."

Someone poisoned the eggnog - and gosh darnit, Harry was determined to single-handedly identify the culprit. He watched carefully as Malfoy rolled his eyes and scoffed, pushing up his chest as only the haughty pureblood could.

"Really, Potter, again?" The blonde bemoaned, "You haven't been an Auror for 20 years..."

Harry shook his head, "It doesn't matter - I'm getting to the bottom of this. Start at the beginning Malfoy."

"Alright…"

Malfoy was a vision that night, wearing silky forest green robes, his hair coiffed and not a blemish covering his alabaster skin. He brushed a hand over his blonde tresses, admiring his handsome reflection in a nearby mirror.

"Draco," Hermione swooned, greeting him as he entered, "you're 30 minutes late." His witch blinked her eyes seductively at him, trailing her fingers up and down his arm.

His face formed a tantalizing scoff. "Hermione, you know I must make an entrance." He smirked, watching in delight as the many Ministry minions turned to gape at his greatness-

"Seriously, Malfoy?" Harry shook his head. "Just - stick to what happened, stop embellishing."

"Fine…"

"Oh Draco!" Hermione moaned, leaning her head back to give Draco access to that spot just under her ear. He deftly pushed his hand up her skirt, relishing the warmth that lay beneath-

"What's wrong with you!" Harry shouted, physically covering his ears.

Malfoy gave an innocent smirk.

Draco and Hermione ravished each other in the bathroom. By the time they came out, clothes askew and twin looks of satisfaction marking their faces, the party was in full swing.

"Oh, look who it is." Ron Weasley sauntered up to them, his face red and puffy and his hair the most horrific shade of red.

Draco, seeking to just enjoy his time at the Ministry Christmas Party with his girlfriend, tried to ignore the man.

"Oh, you're ignoring me now Malfoy!" Weasley spat in his face.

"Look, I don't want to fight," Draco said both calmly and handsomely.

"Ron, please," Hermione pled, her eyes wide and water-

"MALFOY!" Harry shouted, arms crossed over his chest.

"Do you want to hear the story or not?" Malfoy shrugged innocently.

Harry let out a huff. "Fine."

"No, Hermione. He's a piece of shit Ferret and I'm going to fight him for your honor," Weasley barked, taking a boxing stance.

"Look, Weasley." Draco held his hands up, ever the peacemaker. "I understand you and Hermione had a bad breakup. I understand - she's a wonderful woman. Anyone would be devastated to lose her. But, I don't want to fight you. I'm a lover, not a fighter."

Weasley looked utterly moved by his words. "Malfoy - that - that's exactly how I feel." The red giant started sobbing and wandered away.

"I'm so proud of you, baby," Hermione moaned into Draco, dragging him behind a curtain in the back corner of the room.

"Oh, are you?" He asked, pushing his hips into hers, savoring each of the tiny moans and gasps that escaped her mouth. He grunted as her hands pushed his pants down and she gracefully fell to her knees and-

"SERIOUSLY MALFOY! How many times did you and Hermione have sex at the Christmas party?" Harry was rubbing his fingers along his temples, feeling the start of a tension headache.

Malfoy looked thoughtful. "What are we talking about? Intercourse? Oral? Are you counting hand jobs-"

"WHY DID I ASK?" Harry cried out loud, "Just - feel free not to go into detail regarding any sexual encounters."

Malfoy shrugged. "You asked for every detail…"

"I meant relevant detail."

"How am I supposed to know which details are relevant?" Malfoy pointed out.

"Just." Harry waved his hand, urging Malfoy to continue.

Draco and Hermione stealthily exited the curtain, his hand permanently glued to her arse as they made their way to the bar, watching the tail end of some sort of mating ritual between Blaise Zabini and Luna Lovegood. They passed Harry Potter, doing some sort of odd chicken dance to the bland elevator music blasting throughout the space.

"Hermione," Luna greeted them, "It's so lovely to see the wrackspurts are leaving you alone."

Hermione looked at Luna hungrily and jumped the woman, their lips moving in tandem, hands wandering-

"Aren't you going to stop me?" Malfoy asked with a familiar smirk.

Harry was staring absently but then shook himself. "Oh right, yeah. That totally didn't happen, move on."

Draco grabbed two cups of eggnog, relishing the creamy rummy deliciousness. He turned to Hermione, her lust filled eyes a reflection of his own. She dragged him behind the bar.

And they had mindblowing sex.

"See how boring it is when I don't embellish?" Malfoy bemoaned.

"Yes, so boring," Harry deadpanned, "Anything else?"

"Nope, that's it," Malfoy confirmed, looking nostalgic.

"Alright, you can go. But don't go far." Harry eyed him critically.

Malfoy mumbled under his breath, "Couldn't even if I wanted to."

Hermione

"Hermione." Harry smiled at his best friend. "Thank you for agreeing to this."

"Of course Harry." She smiled indulgently. "I'm always happy to help."

"So, just - start at the beginning."

Hermione arrived at the Ministry Christmas party at precisely 7:00 pm - surprised to discover she was the first one there. Luckily, she had a book with her and took a seat at the bar, enjoying a touch of eggnog while she read Turn of the Screw.

Draco finally arrived 30 minutes late, looking as though he'd spent the entire afternoon preening. She shook her head as she watched the man give himself a wink in the mirror before heading her way.

"Hey, beautiful," he told her, leaning in to kiss her neck sensuously.

"Draco," she berated him, smacking his shoulder, "you're 30 minutes late! You know it's important to me to be on time to these things."

"What if I make it up to you?" He whispered seductively in her ear, his hand moving tantalizingly slowly across her leg.

"Hermione." Harry felt his head grow somehow heavier.

"Oh," Hermione uttered, somewhat embarrassed. "Sorry - I forgot myself."

"Hey, Hermione," Ron greeted her jovially as Hermione and Draco exited the bathroom, her face flushed and Draco continuing to brush kisses along her neck.

"Oh, hey Ron!" She pushed Draco off of her, giving him a reprimanding look.

"Cool party this year - right?" Ron remarked, looking around.

"It is!" Hermione agreed, it was all so peaceful and she really appreciated that everyone was getting along.

"Ferret." Ron grunted.

"Weasel." Draco glared.

"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?" Ron boomed.

"Boys." Hermione rolled her eyes, trying to grab Draco and pull him away.

"YOU LITTLE SHIT! I KNEW YOU WEREN'T OKAY WITH ME AND HERMIONE!" Draco yelled.

"SHE'S THE MOST AMAZING BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE WORLD OF COURSE I'M NOT OK WITH HER BEING WITH ANYONE BUT ME!" Ron shouted.

"I COMPLETELY AGREE SHE IS THE SUN AND THE MOON AND EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN I WOULD GIVE UP EVERYTHING FOR HER," Draco eloquently screamed at the top of his lungs.

"You really mean that, Malfoy?" Ron asked, appearing thoughtful.

"Of course, Weasley," Malfoy said with utter conviction.

The men hugged and it was the most beautiful sight she'd ever seen.

So happy with the display, she dragged Draco behind a curtain, pulling his pants down without a second thought and - fellated him.

Hermione bit her lip playfully in memory…

"Really, Hermione?" Harry deadpanned.

Hermione and Draco, exhausted from their sexual endeavors, made their way to the bar.

"Aw, isn't that adorable? I think Luna and Blaise are flirting." Hermione cood.

Draco frowned. "Why is she only wearing one earring?"

"Don't ask," Hermione suggested, wisely.

Hermione waved at Harry, who appeared to be having the time of his life on the dance floor, and looked on in worry at Ron who seemed to be in a fierce debate with Pansy Parkinson in the far corner.

She turned to Draco, who seemed to be stuck in a day dream. "Draco." She punched him in the arm. "Can you grab us some Eggnog?"

He grunted and complied. The eggnog had a sort of odd taste but she ignored it, relishing the sugary goodness. She turned to Draco and recognized the sly smile on his face. "Again, really?" she moaned.

"You know I can't get enough of you, witch." His breath vibrated against her ear.

"One more time," she swore, and dragged him behind the bar for an exceptionally pleasurable bout of intercourse.

"And that's all you remember?" Harry frowned, feeling quite stumped.

She shrugged. "Sorry Harry."

Ron

"Are we really doing this again Harry?" Ron moaned to his friend.

Harry shook his head. "Who knows - maybe this will be the last time? Just - take it from the top."

"Yeah, alright mate…"

Ron held a general love/hate relationship with the annual Ministry Christmas party. On the one hand, he didn't like having to dress up and mingle. However, he had a very good track record of getting laid at the event. And really - wasn't that what the holidays were all about?

He sauntered in, taking in all of the options - women - in the room, when a horrifyingly grating voice shrieked in his ear.

"Weasley - you look like an idiot." Pansy Parkinson laughed in his face.

"You're a fucking arsehole, you know that?" he reminded her, rolling his eyes.

He despised Pansy Parkinson. She somehow got a job as a Manager on his floor and now it felt like she was everywhere.

"Of course." She smirked and walked away, her hips gently swaying back and forth. And Ron Weasley most definitely did not watch that pert ars

"Ron, I don't need to know about Pansy's arse." Harry glared at him.

"But Harry - it was just so - it's important to the story," Ron explained.

Harry simply stared at the other man until he continued...

Ron was about to go check on Harry, who was dancing like he was constipated, when he ran into Hermione and Malfoy.

"Oh, hey Hermione," Ron said awkwardly.

"GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM HER WEASLEY RAWR!" yelled Malfoy.

"Ugh." Hermione grabbed at her face in agony. Ron gave her a sympathetic smile cause - Malfoy, right?

"Hey man - it's cool - just being friendly, man." Ron tried to placate Malfoy but he was in a rage.

"YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE WITH HER BUT NOW SHES MINE!" Malfoy bellowed, a sword appearing magically in his right-

"I think I would remember if Malfoy had a sword." Harry narrowed his eyes.

"Look - do you want me to tell you the story or not?" Ron raised his eyebrows. Harry nodded his head - reluctantly.

"So...as I was saying…"

"YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" Malfoy shouted, brandishing his sword at Ron.

Hermione literally fainted, so stressed by two men fighting over her.

"Look, Malfoy." Ron's tone was kind, his eyes full of warmth and empathy. "I understand. Me and Hermione - we didn't work out - and that's OK. Statistically, there's a really good shot I'm going to find some sweet poon tonight. So - we're good bro." Ron found his gaze totally inadvertently landing on Pansy's chest, which looked insanely good in that silver cocktail dress.

"Dude." Malfoy shook his head. "You're so right bro."

"You boys are just, I can't." Hermione somehow righted herself and cried happy tears, dragging Malfoy off.

Ron shrugged, figuring he did his good deed for the night and returned to his original goal of bothering Harry and leeching off of one of his hangers on when he caught sight of - Luna Lovegood?

"Hmm?" He considered and walked over to where she sat at the bar.

"Hey Luna," Ron greeted her all friendly like.

"Oh Ron, thank goodness you're here. Blaise Zabini is hitting on me but I have no interest in him. But you are so wildly attractive - I saw you in grey sweatpants the other day and now I know you have a huge pen-"

"Ron," Harry tilted his head to the side, "you're worse than Malfoy."

Ron scoffed and continued.

"Bro, what's your problem? You cock blockin?" Blaise went up in Ron's face, 100% unsolicited.

"Woah - I'm just looking out for my friend Luna - I just think she looks uncomfortable," Ron argued.

"Oh Ron." He grunted, annoyed of course, not turned on at all, by the sound of Pansy Parkinson behind him. "Blaise, be a dear and get us some Eggnog and we'll be on our way."

Ron reluctantly took the eggnog, grateful to be drinking and totally not checking out Pansy.

"You're checking me out," she said with a knowing look.

"I would never do that," he scoffed, his eyes literally boring into her chest. He realized she was leading him to a far, secluded corner.

"You know, I have a thing for redheads," she told him, a secret smirk on her face.

"Hmm." He nodded thoughtfully, taking a generous sip of eggnog.

"What say you show me a good time," she whispered in his ear, the vibrations of her voice drifting down his neck.

"Alright, I mean - if that's what you want." Ron was a feminist after all.

He threw the empty cup of eggnog haphazardly on the floor and grabbed Pansy, pulling her to him in one incredibly impressive motion. He kissed her passionately, his hips flush against hers, his hands gently caressing her breast-

"Why would I need to hear this?" Harry asked rhetorically.

"Oh - well the important part is coming up!" Ron rolled his eyes.

Ron and Pansy were in the throws of making out, groins grinding against each other and arms sloppily smacking. When suddenly, Luna came up to them. "Do you all mind if I join?"

Pansy looked longingly at the girl. "Oh! Not at all." And proceeded to kiss Luna, her hands massaging Luna's-

"Ron. Did that actually happen?" Harry gave his friend a patronizing look.

Ron looked thoroughly chastised. "No."

"Did anything happen after you hooked up with Pansy."

Ron shrugged. "Nope."

Harry pushed out an exasperated sigh and mumbled, "The stories get worse every time."

Pansy

"Alright Pansy." Harry sounded defeated as he started his final interview.

"I don't get why we're doing this again." She took a quick look at her nails before sending a bored gaze Harry's way.

"I will get to the bottom of this eggnog situation once and for all," he reminded her passionately.

Pansy rolled her eyes. "Well, if we must."

It was Pansy's first Ministry Christmas party and she was - unimpressed. She looked down at all of the Ministry drones as she entered gracefully, heading to the bathroom to powder her nose.

"OH DRACO! YESSSS DRACO UHUFHSFDHIUDFH" Pansy rolled her eyes as she heard Hermione and Draco, unsurprisingly, having inappropriately loud sex in a public location. She shook her head and left, fairly certain her nose was effectively powdered for the moment.

She was about to go to the bar, perhaps discuss politics with Blaise when the red headed pain in her ass approached her.

"Pansy," he panted, his lust filled eyes drifting up and down her body, which admittedly, was rocking.

"Weasley," she spat, a bored expression playing on her features, "You look, I can't do it. I can't lie."

She walked away and headed to the bar, grabbing herself a cup of eggnog and watching the party play out. She tilted a single eyebrow in amusement when she watched Malfoy and Weasley approach one another, circling dramatically. She couldn't actually hear the fight, but she felt confident it went something like this:

Malfoy: Ugh, Weasley, you're stupid

Weasley: Malfoy - you're stupider

Malfoy: You're stupidest!

Granger: BOYS GOSH STOP GOSH

Harry blinked at her. "If you didn't actually hear the conversation, why are you talking about it?"

Pansy batted her eyelashes. "You asked me to give you a detailed account of my night."

"But you just made that up!" he pointed out.

She shrugged. "That doesn't mean it didn't happen like that."

Harry had to admit, based on the other accounts of that fight, she had a decent point.

Pansy was mingling with some of the ladies in the secretarial pool when she felt a red alert from Blaise. She pulled out her wand and read the message: "WEASLEY IS COCK BLOCKING ME, NEED HELP".

She rolled her eyes and meandered on over to the bar.

"Weasley, please stop bothering them." She rolled her eyes once more, accepting a cup of Eggnog and a mouthed 'thank you' from Blaise.

"Oh, erm, Pansy, uh, heh," Ron stuttered, completely in awe by her presence.

"Come now Ron. Take your nog and let's give these two some space." She beckoned, satisfied when he panted after her.

She pulled him into the corner, checking her watch to see how much time she'd be obligated to keep an eye on the foolish boy. She took a dainty sip of the rum filled concoction, noticing the odd cabbage hints.

"Pansy." Ron had somehow inched closer to her, his hand resting dangerously close to her neck. She looked at the watch and her nog and thought 'what the hell'.

"No kissing," she told him. He nodded excitedly, and she shoved him down under her skirt, his hands deftly pulling down her panties and his fingers and mouth tantalizing-

"No," Harry said, "Just - no."

"Are you sure? He was surprisingly good with his tongue." She winked at Harry who looked distinctly uncomfortable.

"Is there anything else you can remember?" he asked, hopeful.

"Well…"

Ron slammed into her from behind-

"SORRY - I meant to say, anything helpful pertaining to this case." Harry closed his eyes, taking in an exaggerated inhale.

"Oh - no." Pansy shrugged.

Harry huffed, shoulders deflated. "Alright."

Who dunnit?

Harry was stumped - he considered the facts, the different stories - but none of it made sense!

Meanwhile, in the room next door, Hermione and Draco spied on Harry.

"Shouldn't we just tell him?" Draco asked, watching the pathetic man pace the small conference room.

"Oh, we've been dead for 20 years. Let's give him his one day a year to pretend he's an investigator." Hermione smiled indulgently, because she was a swot like that.

"Do you think he'll ever figure it out?" Draco asked.

"That Luna's radish earring accidentally fell into the Eggnog and unintentionally killed all 5 of us?" Hermione asked as they floated through the ministry.

"...yes."

She shrugged. "I doubt it. Merry Christmas, Draco."

Fin

A/N: I hope you all enjoyed this bit of Christmas Crack! Thank you to my Alpha Art3misia for help as always.

I appreciate any reviews/comments!