Chapter 1 - I'm down on my knees, Say something to me;
AUTHOR NOTE:
Welcome to the first chapter of my story (the last 'chapter' was a prologue so I'm not counting it!). I hope you enjoy this chapter, I really enjoyed writing it.
The chapter title "I'm down on my knees, Say something to me" is a lyric from the Kodaline song "Say Something".
DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN NCIS LA OR ANY OF THE SONGS USED
Teardrop on the fire
Feathers on my breath
You're stumbling into all
~ Teardrop - José González ~
Kensi POV
I am freaking out, what on earth possessed Deeks to say that? Maybe it was just the adrenaline rush talking, yeah that's got to be it. He can not love me, I am broken and he is my partner, we can not happen. I run my fingers through my hair and finally realise that coffee isn't going to fix this so I turn and get a beer out of the fridge. I open the door of the fridge and I remember the sad amount of takeout food I eat, the lack of anything in my fridge being an unwanted reminder, I pull out the empty cardboard crate and have to acknowledge the upsetting fact; there is no beer in my house. I swear I am going crazy, why can't anything go my way?
I hear a knock at the door, I grab my SIG and slowly open the door. I am met by the tired eyes of my partner, after the week we've had I'm not surprised he's tired but he looks different to how he normally does when he's tired. "Hey Deeks, what are you doing here?" I ask, as an answer he moves his hands from behind his back to show me a six-pack of beer and Chinese takeout, I didn't realise how hungry I was until now. I open the door fully and allow him to pass me, he places the food on the table and turns back to me as I place my SIG back down on its resting place "You were gonna shoot me Kens?" I don't know if he's asking about back at the warehouse or now but I go with the second one; giving him a classic Kensi glare, I reply "Not quite yet, you're too close to the food. No point wasting takeout!" It's awkward but not unbearable and I'm glad to have his company.
"Partner, it's a Friday which means Top Model!" He announces in a sing-song girly tone as he grabs the remote for the TV and puts on Top Model. We make it through the food, 2 beers and an episode of Top Model before he speaks again. He turns to me with an emotion close to fear in his eyes, "What are we doing here Kens?"
"Deeks, how hard did you hit your head earlier? We're watching Top Model, well we were… it just ended" I reply gesturing at the credits on the screen in front of us. He looks at me and now there is no mistaking it, the emotion in his eyes is fear. "I mean this Kens," he gestures between me and him, "this thing, are we ever going to talk about it?" I look away already hating where this is going, he continues. "Or are we just going to keep going in this cycle?" I look at him, my eyes full of confusion, but when I see his eyes again I can't continue to look at him so I turn my head away again. "This cycle of me telling you that I love you and you walking away and then we just pretend it never happened. I know that love scares you and I've tried to hard, god Kensi, I've tried so hard to be patient, to give you space, to give you everything, but why do you have to make it so hard? I'm not asking for a romantic rainfall from you Kensi, I'm just asking if there's a point anymore." A rogue tear falls from my eye and I brush it away with my fingers so hard I am sure there will be a red mark there in a few minutes, I don't want him to continue, I can't bear it, but he does. "I just need to know if, even if it takes 100 years, that I could possibly, no matter how slim the chance, win your heart?" He sighs and another tear falls from my eyes and then another and another; I stop trying to wipe them away, there seems to be no point in the action as each tear is quickly replaced by another. I stand up and walk to the other side of the room, trying and failing to collect myself.
"Kens, I know this is hard for you but just take a minute. How do you think I feel? I have to hear about your dates, the ones that will never go beyond one date, I have to hear about them knowing that I would kill for just one chance to show you… to show you everything. I have to see you every day and I have to pretend that everything's fine, I have to pretend that you aren't yanking my heart out with every step you take without me" He wipes his eyes and runs his hands through his hair a few times, then he just looks up at me with pleading eyes. "Kensi please, I love you, and I'm pretty sure you love me, I'm not asking for you to say it back, I'm just asking if there is any hope for us?"
I don't want to know who we are without each other
It's just too hard
I don't want to leave here without you
I don't want to lose part of me
Will I recover?
~ The Other Side - Ruelle ~
Deeks POV
That's it, the question is out there and as much as I'm scared to say it; her answer will decide my entire future, a happy family man with a beautiful wife with little ninja assassins, or an empty shell of a man who does nothing but drink and work. She stands up sharply after a minute, "Get up!" She growls I do a double-take at her tone, I obviously take a second too long because she storms over to me and yanks at me, "Get up!" She growls again.
I'm on my feet and I already know that my future is set and I know I don't want it, my head falls at the idea. "YOU! You don't get to do this to me, you just don't." She yells, I lift my head slightly so I see her, slightly obscured by my hair, "Do what Kens?" I reply tiredly, "Love you? Treat you like you're the only woman in the world? Treat you with love like you should be? I don't get to love you? Is that it?" I know what she is about to do and I only raise my head further and don't make any attempt to stop her when she slaps me.
"We are partners Deeks. That is what we are. That is all we ever were and will be, get that into your stubborn head." I can only lightly shake my head. "I can't, I love y…" she cuts me off with another slap, "I. Do. Not. Love. You" she punctuates each word with a shove to my shoulder, ending on a hard punch, not like the playful ones she gives me when I make a joke, this punch is full of malice.
"You will leave my home now Deeks. You will come into work tomorrow and we will forget this ever happened and you will be my partner and I will be yours. We will stop the bad guys because that is what we do and it is what we will continue to do. We will go back to the way things were, understand?" She growls. I am about to speak when she cuts me off again, "I do not love you." She says it with such finality, it makes me want to grab her SIG and make her end the pain I suffer, I want her to shoot me; it would be kinder than what she is doing now.
She opens the door and pushes me out before I can say another word and locks it 3 times. I brush the door frame with my fingers before I turn and leave.
I'm a fly that's trapped
In a web
But I'm thinking that
My spider's dead
~ Always - Panic! At The Disco ~
AUTHOR NOTE:
So that was chapter 1! I hope you enjoyed it.
I'm not entirely sure that "Teardrop" fitted here but I ended up not wanting to move it!
I love Ruelle ("Carry You" being one of the main overall inspirations for this entire story) and I just loved the song "The Other Side" so featuring it was something I took joy in doing!
I love Panic! At The Disco (their cover of Bohemian Rhapsody (the one they did in concert not the studio version) is the best cover of that song ever!) and "Vice and Virtues" is definitely one of their best albums, "Always" and "Calendar" being my favourite songs from the album.
Please follow and review - I know you have heard that before but I would truly appreciate it and it helps the story because I can change things thanks to feedback