Chapter 4 - I know it hurts, It's hard to breathe sometimes:

AUTHOR NOTE:

Welcome to the fourth chapter of my story!

The chapter title is from the amazing Ruelle song "Carry You" featuring Fleurie, I love this song so much and I just think it goes so well with this story (any Ruelle song kinda does at some point). The chapter title is "I know it hurts, It's hard to breathe sometimes" but due to the character limit on the official chapter title this is labelled with the chapter title "It's hard to breathe sometimes".

DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN NCIS LA OR ANY OF THE SONGS USED

Third person POV

After days and days of staying at home or entering OSP for a few minutes before leaving, Kensi finally resolves to go back to work for a full day. She enters OSP at 8 am and ignores everyone until the mail guy comes up to her desk. He hands her a letter "This was in your emergency PO Box, it's weird; I've never seen yours been used before." He shrugs and walks away. Everyone at OSP has a PO Box in LA in case they needed to send something from undercover or if information has to be carefully sent to OSP, seeing as they can't send it directly to the building itself.

Kensi recognises the handwriting on the letter as Deeks', she contemplates leaving the letter on her desk but she instantly thinks better of it. She gently opens the muddy envelope and pulls out the paper inside.

Hey Kensi, Kensalina, Kens, Princess, Fern… So many names for the person I love.

I know you don't feel the same, you made that very clear and I'm sorry that I left you, I'm sorry that yet another person who loved you left you. I just… I just couldn't stand there and watch you date, get married and have children, with somebody else - somebody who could never love you as much as I love you - I couldn't see you not with me, it would've killed me quicker than leaving you.

I want you to know that this isn't your fault, Don't blame yourself, if you ever felt anything for me, romantically or otherwise, don't blame yourself. I was the idiot that couldn't keep their feelings to themselves, looking back I wish I was stronger; strong enough to let you go, to let you be happy, to be your friend and partner without needing anything else, without needing to be your partner in every sense of the word, but I'm not - I wasn't - strong enough.

Monty has missed you these past few weeks, I'm not going to ask you to take him, that wouldn't be fair on you but in many ways, you are his mother and so if you want him, take him, anything you want of mine, take it. Everything I have already belongs to you, it always has, from that moment in the MMA gym my heart was yours and with it comes my possessions. You probably don't want anything of mine (sell what you don't want, it won't add up to much but at least it will be something) but if you do please take whatever you wish but don't place my belongings everywhere around your home, it will only stop you from living your life, put my things (that you want) in a box and look at them, touch them, use them from time to time but don't stop anything from letting you be happy.

Shadows are fallin' and I'm runnin' out of breath

Keep me in your heart for a while

If I leave you it doesn't mean I love you any less

Keep me in your heart for a while

~ Keep Me in Your Heart - Warren Zevon ~

I have some messages for the team that I must ask you to pass on;

Single letter, I hope you find out what your first name is, it's one thing I wish I knew right now. If you find out what it is, I hope it's something like Gerald or Graham, I'd get a kick out of that. I hope you continue to be a great team leader. I hope the team doesn't fall apart without me, not that it would or should, but if for some weird reason it does I have faith in you that you will be able to return the Office of Special Projects team to its former glory before I darkened it.

Muscles, I did what you did, I'm just glad it worked out for you. I fell in love with my partner and only received heartbreak. You fell in love with your partner and you received a wife, children, a family outside of work… I won't pretend that I'm not a little envious but I wish you, wifey and your children the best.

Ninja mother, the little ninja. I would be worried about calling you that but by the time you see this I will be gone and although I have no doubt that you can walk through heaven and hell and still come back, I doubt you would do that just to scare me about calling you that. I know you must've seen something special in me, otherwise, I would never have been given a position on the team but you were wrong. I'm sorry I let you down, remember you didn't fail me, remember you are the amazing and scary ninja and you haven't let anything stop you and that will never change.

Male half of the wonder twins, I ask that you continue surfing, for me, please. We both find comfort in the waves and I hope, selfishly, that maybe some of the comfort you receive will be transferred to me in death. Don't break the internet just because you feel like it… Not that it isn't awesome when you do it! Remember that you are so important to the team and there are few others I would want in my ear in a dangerous situation.

Female half of the wonder twins, don't cry, be strong, be brave, be the girl we all know and love. Ask Ninja to complete your transformation/training. Maybe you don't know what I'm talking about but trust me, everyone in OSP knows what I'm talking about; you have the potential to become a great leader Nell, and if that's what you want, grab it.

I'm gonna miss you all so much, I started missing you all the moment I walked out of that beautiful building but now it is so much more final. I'm sorry I left you, I hope you'll understand why. I always hoped I would see you again; maybe in a coffee shop or at a crime scene or at the beach or from 100 yards away, it didn't matter to me, I just hoped I would see you again which unfortunately is no longer an issue. I know I was always the weak link, I knew that but I swear I tried hard to be better, better for the team, better for each and every one of you. I swear I never gave you up, I hope you can figure out who each note is meant for using the nicknames I gave you, they aren't great and if I had some time I would make them funny but time is something I do not currently have and I know of 2 very protective big brothers who will be angry at me using Princess's real name but can you give a man about to die just this one thing?

It was an honour working with each and every one of you, you are all amazing, you are all great and deserved so much more than a shaggy, surfer detective that LAPD scraped the bottom of the barrel for, but I hope I did some things right by you guys, and if there's a life after this; I hope I will see you again if anything just to say sorry.

Goodbye, farewell to the group of people who were and are my family even if I wasn't part of theirs, you were the closest thing I had to a family so thank you for letting me find out how it feels to have one, there is nothing in this world that I could give you to express my gratitude and there are no words good enough that I can think of to end this letter for you but I think a simple 'thank you, I love you all' will have to do, so; thank you, I love you all.

I remember it now, it takes me back to when it all first started

But I've only got myself to blame for it, and I accept that now

It's time to let it go, go out and start again

But it's not that easy

~ High Hopes - Kodaline ~

Smile Fern. Your smile, your laugh, everything helped me with Sidorov, it helped me live. Your smile, your laugh, everything can not save me now as much as I wish it could but it all brings me comfort in the face of death.

Thank you, thank you for teaching me what love is, for letting me die knowing what it feels like to love with everything with no reservations. I'll never be able to thank you enough.

I know it's unfair to say these 3 words here, but can a man about to die not afford to be selfish?

I love you, Fern, the only thing I want to change about that, is that I wish I could have added a 'my' in-between 'you' and 'Fern'.

Be happy, be strong, be you, be Badass Blye and never look back on the sad times because those are the moments I tried so hard for you not to have because you deserved every happiness in the world, and you still do. Go out into the world Kens find love, abolish the one date rule, find happiness and have no regrets.

Goodbye,

Forever and always, your Martin Deeks.

When you're scared and you're lonely

When there's no one to hold you

I just want you to know that

I'll be by your side

You keep me strong when I can't carry on

~ Saving Grace - Kodaline ~

Kensi POV

I place the letter down on my desk that has been left just as Deeks left it, and for the first time in my life; I break down in front of the team. I can't seem to cry, my eyes burn with need but not a single tear falls. My throat strains against my skin as I pull a stiff hand up to my mouth, I can't breathe. I look at Sam and Callen who looks as if I've grown a third head, they've never seen this, a version of me I hid from nearly everyone, a me I keep closely guarded and yet right now I can't seem to bring myself to care.

Sam POV

A strangled sob makes me look up from my boring paperwork. I do a double take when I realise the sound came from Kensi. I look at G and we share the same surprised face as we look between ourselves and Kensi. I am about to get up to see what's wrong but before I can move an inch she stands up.

Kensi POV

On auto pilot I slowly stand, shaking visibly, and walk towards his desk. Hetty kept trying to give me a new partner but their gear never got to touch his desk for more than a minute. I sit in his chair and cry in front of my team, something I have never done before.

I can't stop the screams that leave my mouth and I no longer have the strength to stop Sam from taking the letter from me and reading it with Callen. I can hear Sam and Callen talking and calling for Eric, Nell and Hetty but I can't make out what they say.

Callen pulls me out of my mind "Kensi, we're going to find him." I gather as much air as I can before I reply "But he's dead." Callen squeezes my hand and I yank it away from him "We'll bring him home."

I nod, pushing as many feelings away as possible. I stand up moving towards ops, I'm at the stairs when Sam puts an arm around me in an attempt to be comforting but I push him off "Nobody touches me. No one but him."

I'll be here waiting

Hoping, praying that

This light will guide you home

When you're feeling lost I'll leave my love

Hidden in the sun

For when the darkness comes

~ When The Darkness Comes - Colbie Caillat ~

AUTHOR NOTE:

So that was Chapter 4!

I hate how the POV's swaps very suddenly from Kensi to Sam then back to Kensi after the letter but I saw no other way to write it, I go where my fingertips tell me to.

I loved writing this letter, it was actually the thing I wrote first in this story and wrote everything else to fit around it.

Using "Keep Me in Your Heart For a While" by Warren Zevon (rest in peace), I think was always going happen. This song is a piece of genius and I remember hearing it in the finale of House M.D. and it completed the series so well for me and this song is so simple and yet so powerful much like Densi.

I used Kodaline twice in this chapter, I love Kodaline like so much! "High Hopes" spoke to me so much when I first heard it so when I was searching through songs to use, I realised how much this song fit and the music video for it fits with this story so…! "Saving Grace" I think is a good song to describe the Densi love and partnership so of course I gave it a nod here

As a fan of Shadowhunters and The Mortal Instruments book series of course I love Ruelle and Colbie Caillat so using "When The Darkness Comes" made so much sense to have when Kensi is at this low point waiting for news on Deeks.

I say it every time, so does every other author on this site, but please follow and review!