Chapter 5 - And now, it's time to leave and turn to dust:
AUTHOR NOTE:
Welcome to the fifth chapter of my story!
The chapter title comes from the song "To Build a Home" by Cinematic Orchestra and Patrick Watson which I stated in my prologue author note was one of the 2 main inspo songs for this story (the other being Carry You by Ruelle), I think this song speaks so much to how Deeks and Kensi are so using it was so easy because it fits so well because it's them, it's Deeks and Kensi, it's Densi!
DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN NCIS LA OR THE SONGS USED
Kensi POV
When we enter ops, Eric and Nell are already typing furiously at their computers. After a few minutes, they pull up footage of Deeks being pulled out of a bar and thrown into a van from 4 days ago.
I can hardly breathe and it's only made worse when Sam points out that Deeks is incredibly drunk. Deeks never gets drunk, it reminds him of his past, of the man he so desperately doesn't want to be. They follow the van through traffic using street cameras until the van stops at an abandoned house. "Mr Callen and Mr Hanna, go to the house." Hetty orders.
I start to leave ops but Hetty stops me "Stay here, Miss Blye." She says, I am about to argue when she hands me an envelope with the simple printed letters 'The Will of LAPD Detective Martin Deeks'
I walk back into the bullpen, I sit in Deeks' chair as I open the envelope and read;
In the event of Detective Martin Deeks' death he states:
Everything I have to NCIS Special Agent Kensi Marie Blye, the light in the darkness, the love in the hate, the peace in war, the person I will never not be able to think of without love in my eyes.
Signed: Martin Deeks
Dated: 14th February 2012
Resigned: Martin Deeks 12th July 2015
He left it all to me, even confirming it after I broke his heart; he still loved me, he still cared for me, he was watching my back. I curl up awkwardly in his chair and cry myself to sleep.
There are names across the sea, only now I do believe
Sometimes, with the window closed, she'll sit and think of me
But she'll mend his tattered clothes and they'll kiss as if they know
A baby sleeps in all our bones, so scared to be alone
~ Passing Afternoon - Iron & Wine ~
At some unknown time later, Hetty wakes me up "Mr Callen and Mr Hanna have found him, Kensi." Her use of my first name pushes me over the edge and I start to sob until Hetty says "He's in the hospital Kensi. He's a little dehydrated but he's fine."
"How?" I sob "His kidnappers just left him locked up to…" Hetty trails off "I will take you to the hospital." She says, I nod and allow her to guide me towards the garage.
When we get to the hospital I run to his room (Hetty told me the number while we drove), Sam and Callen were waiting outside the room but they try to stop me from going in. I shrug them off but when I enter the room the bed is empty with a letter sitting on the table to the side of it. I walk closer to the bed; the sheets smell like Deeks and the letter holds his handwriting.
Hey Kensi,
Don't worry I'm gone this time for good, I won't intrude on your life for a moment longer.
I'm sorry that I sent you that letter and for whatever disruption that my love has caused your life.
I'm sure Hetty has given you my will, I've taken some money out of my bank account and the rest is yours, whatever I'm leaving behind is yours. Feel free to sell it, keep it, burn it, whatever you want Kens, it doesn't matter anymore.
I wanted to see you but I know you don't want to see me and I didn't want to make it awkward for you with the team.
I guess this is goodbye, I won't say those 3 words; I'm done being selfish because I... never mind, it seems like I can't not say it so I'll have to end this here.
Goodbye Fern.
Then only for a minute
I want to change my mind
'Cause this just don't feel right to me
I wanna raise your spirits
I want to see you smile but
Know that means I'll have to leave
~ Happier - Marshmello featuring Bastille -
I want to cry but why should I? This is what I said I wanted, this is what I did to myself. I walk out of the hospital and I continue walking for miles until I end up at Deeks' place. I take his key out of my pocket, I'm not sure how it got there.
I enter the house; I don't need to turn the lights on because I know the layout off by heart. I grab one of his few dress shirts from his wardrobe and soon I am asleep on his bed, surrounded by his scent.
'Cause if I could see your face once more
I could die a happy man I'm sure
But if you loved me
Why'd you leave me?
~ All I Want - Kodaline ~
Deeks POV
She's in my house, I followed her from the hospital; I just wanted to make sure she was safe. I walk up to the door which is open and head towards the bedroom quietly. She's fast asleep and for a moment I think about joining her but I know better, even if my heart doesn't.
"God, I love you Kens." I take a deep breath before giving her a small kiss on her forehead. I don't want to leave, I just want to stay, I want… I want to have… I want to have her, nothing else matters but she is so important, she is all that matters, her happiness is all that matters so I have to leave. I tear myself away from her, taking 3 steps back almost kills me.
I see she's wearing one of my dress shirts and her shirt is on the floor by my feet, I pick it up. I put it in my backpack "I hope you don't mind but umm, I need something to hold onto. I won't pretend that there's a lot in my bank account but there's enough for you to buy a replacement shirt," A smile tugs weakly at my mouth "And it's not like it's your favourite shirt, a few weeks ago I would've joked about how your favourite shirt is my old LAPD shirt, but I know your favourite is the purple striped one."
I know she's still asleep so I allow myself to talk to her for just a small while "I'm going to Australia, there's good surf there and it's far away so I won't be tempted to see you because that wouldn't be…" I choke "that wouldn't be fair on you." I take a deep breath "I've seen studies, they say that you only say 'I love you' to 3 romantic partners in your life but I'm sure I'm only ever going to say it to one person, you. It's always going to be you, it'll only ever be you, I just guess… I guess that the universe is against me… again! My dad hated me, my childhood was destroyed, everyone at LAPD hated me and you…" I can't breathe "and you don't… you can't… you don't even like me. I guess that's my life."
I take one step closer to her "You'll always have my heart Kens," I shrug "do what you want with it, it doesn't matter to me anymore." The alarm on my phones goes off, I quickly turn it off so I don't wake her "That's my reminder," I sigh. I kiss her hair, not ready to say goodbye but I have to go "Goodbye Kensi Marie Blye, I wish I could've made you a 'Deeks' and given you little ninja assassins but I hope you have some of your own and a man that loves you."
"I have to go or I'll miss my flight." I walk towards the door but I turn around again "You know if you woke up now and said that you…" I trail off but I continue "love me and if I could truly believe that you loved me… I would stay but," I choke a little "I know that even if you said it now, it would only be because you don't want things to change as much as I wish it would be because you love me, I know better." I start to back out of the room but I end up leaning on the doorframe looking at her, her face turned away from me "I love you, Fern."
I walk out and I don't look back because I know if I look, I will stay. My life's already ruined but if I stay I'll ruin hers too.
Oh, you can't hear me cry
See my dreams all die
From where you're standing
On your own
It's so quiet here
And I feel so cold
This house no longer
Feels like home
~ So Cold - Beck Cocks featuring Nikisha Reyes ~
Kensi POV
I woke up and I could hear him, at first I didn't know who it was but I knew it was him when he called me 'Fern'. I wanted to talk to him but he said he wouldn't believe me. I let the tears fall down my face and I don't mean to but I fall asleep again.
As soon as I get into OSP the next day, I head up to ops and talk to Nell "You know how our phones record everything they hear in case we're kidnapped or something?" I ask her. "Yes, why?" She replies. "I need to hear what my phone recorded since I entered Deeks' home."
She goes to her computer throwing over her shoulder "I'll email you the file." I mumble a thanks and head back to Deeks' desk, I don't sit at my own anymore. 5 minutes later I have my headphones in and the file open. I press play and I don't fight the few tears that escape.
I turn to Sam "He's in Australia," I stand up, looking around frantically, for what? I don't know "I have to go… I have to go." I say again and again. Sam stands up "I think we all do." He says.
It's time for me to change, to be able to put the past behind me, put Jack behind me and stop my issues from holding me back from being happy.
Flashbacks of our memories, the past is my enemy
And I'm drowning in a sad melody
Flashbacks of our memory, the past is my enemy
It keeps holding, holding on me
Come break the silence
~ Flashbacks - INNA ~
AUTHOR NOTE:
So that was Chapter 5!
I'm a huge House M.D. fan, genuinely my comfort shows are NCIS LA and House, and those who know House better will recognise "Passing Afternoon", I think a lot of people forget that even though House was a comedy show it also had its sad and heartfelt moments. NCIS LA is a drama but it also has comedy and sorrow, like House, I think they are more similar than they seem.
I love "Happier" by Marshmello and Bastille, and I actually used it to push past my writers block with this story so it only felt right that I give it a mention.
I used beautiful "So Cold" by Ben Cocks featuring Nikisha Reyes but originally it was "The Winner Takes It All" by Abba (the following lyrics: I've played all my cards / And that's what you've done too / Nothing more to say / No more ace to play / The winner takes it all / The loser's standing small) I couldn't choose what to use so I rolled a dice but I had to mention the amazing ABBA song that could've been in this chapter, which one do you think fits better?
The final song lyrics in this chapter is from Flashbacks by INNA, it's off her brand new album so I had to use it because I love her so much! I seriously recommend checking her out if you like EDM or more 'gypsy-ish'-latino music and even though she's Romanian she sings in Romanian, Spanish and English. I also added that last line ("It's time for me to change...") just so I could use the song.
I know I ask every time but please follow and review it means the metaphorical world to me!