A winter storm beat violently and incessantly at the side of the apartment building, as though seeking vengeance on the residents that dwelled within. The harsh frost seeped within the walls and made its home in every corner of the living room, an unwelcome guest which was undeterred by our shoddy heating system and constantly sapping any warmth that it could find. The only place it could not reach was the couch where Cul and I laid together, draped in a series of soft woolen blankets that insulated us from the cruel chilliness around us. I laid on top of her, using her body as a pillow as I kept my face in her neck and my arms around her waist to absorb all of the heat I could gather. One of her hands rested on top of my head, slowly stroking my hair every so often while the other dangled out of sight off the side of the couch.
The pale light of the television set displaying a live action interpretation of A Christmas Carol was the only illumination available in the room to allow me to see her face as I lifted my head up from her chest. Her eyes shifted from the television to me as I moved, momentarily surprised to see me awake.
"Hey."
"Hey," I yawned as I awoke, rubbing one of my eyes.
"Did I wake you?"
"Mm-mm." I hummed as I leaned forward to place a quick kiss on her cheek before settling my head back down to her chest again. "You're fine."
"Alright."
She returned to running her fingers along my head, remaining quiet for some time as she watched the television again. I kept my ear against her chest, listening to her slow and gentle heartbeat to try and lull myself back to sleep.
"Sorry." The apology came unprovoked, and had no immediate followup.
"For what?"
"It's just," She began a thought, pausing to try and find her words. "I know you wanted to do something special this year. I feel bad that we couldn't do anything."
"It's not your fault. You don't have to be sorry about it."
She only hummed dejectedly in response. I didn't have to look at her to know that she still held a forlorn expression on her face, but I raised my head up again just to confirm it as I looked at her. Her eyes remained trained on the television until I leaned back down again, connecting our lips together in a slow kiss. Even after pulling away, the tired look she had didn't fade for a moment. While I wasn't expecting the terribly dark circles under her eyes to simply vanish at the slightest amount of affection, she didn't seem any more revitalized by it. If anything it seemed to exacerbate her woe, and she looked off towards the television as the program cut to a commercial.
"Ia?"
"Yeah?"
"Do you think things will get better soon?"
I stared down at her, initially unsure how to answer. In the silence she glanced over at me, watching and waiting. The same sense of desolation was still present in her face, but behind her eyes was an ever-building deposit of sorrow that she seemed to struggle to keep contained. I gently cupped her face, letting my thumb rest just beside her lips.
"I know they will. Things always get better, eventually."
Though I said that without any hesitation in my voice, I wasn't sure how much I believed my own words. Almost everything in the past year was disappointing at best, horrifically awful at worst, and the constant stream of it made it feel like a never-ending slog to get through. It was enough to even make me doubt my own hope, and I could see that doubt reflected in Cul's eyes as she peered up at me.
"If you say so." Before long she put her attention back to the television once more. Instead of keeping her look of despair, her brows furrowed into a mild expression of agitation. She sighed, bringing a hand to her face to rub her eyes. "Sorry. I shouldn't ask something like that."
"There's nothing wrong with it."
"No, but I don't want to be a downer. It's not helpful."
"You don't need to always be helpful."
A pang of guilt struck my chest as I saw her reaction to my words. Instead of providing a sense of comfort to her, she still held the same dejected look, as if being crushed all over again by the reality that she couldn't always be useful, that she didn't need to always be useful, that she was more than her utility. Without a word, I pushed myself off of her, laying myself on the other side of the couch. As she looked over at me questioningly, I beckoned her over.
"Come here."
"What?"
"Come here," I repeated, patting my lap for emphasis.
There was some hesitation in her eyes as she sat up from her current position, though she still turned around and laid her head down on my thighs as I asked her to. As soon as she settled in I could feel the tension in her shoulders slowly fade away, the hardset look in her face softening as her eyes nearly closed. I brushed some loose strands of hair out of her face with my fingertips, smiling down at her.
"Comfy?"
"Mm," She hummed near-inaudibly, opening her eyes wider as she realized how close she was to falling unconscious. "Yeah."
"Good." I shifted in my spot, cushioning myself with one of the tiny pillows from the corner of the couch to get more comfortable before falling still and silent. Mere moments passed before Cul closed her eyes again, falling asleep to the slow, easy rhythm of my hand rubbing her head and the ambiance of A Christmas Carol quietly playing from the television.