She may not know what she wants, but she's always known who she is. She doesn't question boundaries, let alone push them. She forces a smile, even when she's ready to crawl into the fetal position, hide under her covers, and pretend that the world around her has ceased to exist. She's Riley Mathews, the synonym for hope and faith and belief.
What she wants has always seemed irrelevant under the weight of all of the things that she's supposed to be.
It takes her the longest time to see what's going on between Maya and Lucas. The glances that last a little too long on Maya's end, the way she pulls him into her face with the collar of his shirt, the way he lets her. It's not until the yearbook that she starts trying to see what everyone else does.
Maya's a passionate person who lives her life on impulse and Lucas is in a constant battle to control his impulses. He wants to be good and Maya wants him to be bad. It's a constant tug that Riley, eventually, decides she's done weighing in on. If there wasn't a part of Lucas that wanted it, too, he would have ended the game a long time, ago.
And that's what all of this is. A series of games, in which, everyone is bound to lose. So, she lets him go when she knows that Maya is ready to accept her feelings for Lucas and adds, "Selfless," to her list of characteristics. She wonders if that list is ever going to get any lighter.
She'd love to claim that Farkle ruined everything with his declaration, but there's a relief to having her feelings out in the open. She's not sure that it will change anything with Lucas, but at least it rips off the band aid that is Charlie Gardner.
She wants to like Charlie. She spends a long time trying to force herself into it, but it's like a shoe that's three sizes too small. She'd have to get rid of her toes to try and make it fit, but they happen to be one of her favorite appendages. And she knows that her world would be completely unbalanced if she ever truly got over Lucas Friar.
So, she lets her life completely spiral out of her control. She steps back, she gives in, she tries to be fair. She keeps being Riley, even though it feels more like a game than any of her actual relationships do, anymore.
And, then, she snaps.
It was a long time coming, but Zay just happened to be the one who lit the fuse.
"Maya is a force of nature," Zay muses on one occasion, as Riley sits pretending she can't hear Farkle and Zay making predictions on what girl Lucas will choose, "She's like a hurricane and everyone wants to experience a relationship like that once in a lifetime."
"But Riley's stable," Farkle disagrees, his eyes moving across the room to where Lucas is doing homework and Maya is scrolling through the feed of a social media site, "And things with Riley are far more likely to last."
"Riley will still be there in ten years when he's ready to settle down," Zay pointed out.
"I don't think girls like Riley sit around waiting for the storm to pass. I think they go inside, close the door, and get out of the rain," Farkle snorted and Zay shrugged, willing to the let the point go.
Unfortunately, Riley wasn't, "That's what you think of me?"
"What?" Zay looked at her in shock at being addressed and both Maya's and Lucas's eyes snapped up to see what had just happened.
"You think that I'm the second choice that someone settles for after they've experienced something exciting?" Riley clarified.
"I don't," Farkle reminded her, in his attempt to exclude himself from her wrath.
"I think Maya's passionate," he repeated.
"And I'm not."
"You're passionate about your friendships, but you don't challenge Lucas the way that Maya does," Zay continued.
Riley's eyes glanced over to where Maya's mouth had dropped open in her shock and everyone jumped at the sound of Lucas's pencil snapping in his hand.
"Come on, Zay. You're seeing these relationships from an outside perspective," Lucas offered, his voice calm, despite the clear tension in his posture.
"So, then, tell us what it looks like from an inside perspective," Zay challenged him, as both Riley and Maya's heads turned to him for an answer.
He paled under the scrutiny and Riley immediately knew he was about to try an evasion or drop the subject altogether.
"Neither of them are a second choice," Lucas, finally, replied.
"But one of us will be, won't we?" Maya pointed out, finally managing to regain her composure.
The silence that descended over them settled in a heavy fog, as they all watched Lucas trying to come up with the right answer; to do the right thing.
Riley snagged her backpack off the floor and slung it over her shoulder as she headed for the door.
"Riles, where are you going?" Maya demanded, her voice sounding lost. And, for a second, Riley realized that Maya was probably just as unsettled by Lucas's answers as what she was, before she forced the compassion back down.
Hurricanes didn't care about the kind of destruction that they left in their wake.
"If you want a storm, I'll give you a storm," Riley replied, letting the door slam behind her.
"Daddy, I need a history lesson," Riley announced, the front door slamming into the wall, as she whipped it open.
"Didn't we do this already, today?" Corey questioned, from where he was grading papers at the kitchen table.
"Yes, we did, and it didn't help. So, try again," Riley demanded, crossing the room and sinking down beside him.
"Alright, what do you need a lesson on?"
"Feelings and boys and how to be a hurricane," Riley replied, folding her hands and waiting expectantly.
"That sounds more like your mother's thing," Corey pointed out.
"Mom is a force of nature and she thinks that Maya's a force of nature, too. Forces of nature trample over solitary rain clouds, they don't help them to become giant storms," Riley informed him.
"I think your mother would probably make an exception for you. And I don't think you're a solitary rain cloud, you've got lots of other rain clouds surrounding you that love you and like you just the way you are," Corey assured her.
"But it's not enough. I don't want people to remember me as always living in Maya's shadow or as never being as aggressive as Mom is in getting what she wants. I want to be someone worth noticing," Riley confessed, blinking back tears before they could leave her eyes.
"Alright, I don't have a history lesson for you, but how about some science?" Cory suggested, shoving his papers aside, as he gave Riley his full attention.
"I like science," Riley conceded.
"I know. What can you tell me about erosion?"
"It's the process of natural forces breaking something down," Riley replied, leaning on her hand, as she waited for him to continue.
"A hurricane comes through and can completely change a landscape. Erosion happens steadily, over time, and it can do the exact same thing. Just because it's not as flashy, doesn't mean that it's any less effective," Corey finished and Riley bit her lip as she processed his words, "And I think there's something to be said for gently changing a landscape."
"So, you're saying that I should just settle for being a rain cloud?" Riley sighed.
"I'm saying that you're a good person, Riles, and you need to learn how to be comfortable in your own skin. Teenagers like flashy things, but, eventually, they'll grow up and realize that what they really want is-."
"Stability," Riley cut him off with a groan, sinking her head down at the table.
"Stability is not a bad thing," Corey offered.
"It is when everyone around you wants drama and turmoil," Riley informed him, "I can't compete with campfires and hurricanes and passion."
"What do you know about passion?" Corey questioned, raising an eyebrow, as he looked at her suspiciously.
"I know that whatever it is, I, apparently, don't have it," Riley replied, getting up from the table and heading for her room.
"I know you're upset, but I find that very reassuring," Corey called after her.
Her normal course of action, would usually involve a dramatic makeover. She spends some time seriously considering hacking off most of her hair in an effort to make a statement and reverting back to her all-black attire, but she's tried changing her clothes, hair and makeup and, at the end of the day, when she takes all of it off, she's still Riley.
If she wants to be a hurricane, it's going to have to be something entirely different than anything that she's tried before.
"Hey," Maya greets her, hesitantly, the next morning.
Riley's organizing her books in her locker for the day and hadn't even been aware of Maya approaching.
"Good morning," Riley offered, flashing her a smile, before picking her bag up off the floor.
"You seem…..normal," Maya commented, scanning over Riley's clothes.
"That's because I'm eroding," Riley informed her.
"You know fancy words make my head hurt," Maya reminded her.
"You and Lucas have a volatile and passionate relationship, which I don't understand, but which everyone tells me is something important. So, I've decided I'm going to go out and find my own," Riley clarified, leading Maya down the hallway.
"You're done with Lucas?" Maya grabbed Riley's arm, forcing both of them to stop.
"No, but if he can have two girlfriends, I don't see why I can't go out and find another relationship to compare the relationship that I have with him to, it's only fair," Riley replied, before turning and continuing down the hallway.
"I thought that's what you were doing with Charlie," Maya offered, hurrying to catch up.
"My dad asked me last night what I know about passion and I realized that all of the passion that I experience is second hand. I'm passionate about my friends and about them being able to do the things that they're passionate about. But, I don't have anything of my own. I don't have fire, Maya, so I'm going to go and build one."
"What you're saying is making sense, but I still have a feeling that this is a very bad idea," Maya informed her.
"That's the point, Maya," Riley smiled.
"Good morning," Farkle greeted them, approaching with Zay and Lucas by his side.
"Zay has something that he wants to say to you," Lucas informed her, nudging Zay with his elbow.
"I'm sorry for what I said about Maya and you. The both of you are amazing and any guy would be lucky to have you and you definitely deserve to be someone's first pick," Zay listed, looking to Lucas for a confirmation that he'd covered everything.
"Well, I, for one, think that apology covered everything, nicely. Clearly, we should just keep things exactly as they are and go on with our lives," Maya suggested.
"You don't have to apologize to me, Zay," Riley ignored Maya, "You were right."
"I was?" a more aggressive nudge from Lucas had him quickly tacking on more to the sentence, "Not right. I was very, very wrong."
"So, you think a relationship with me would be more exciting than a relationship with Maya would be?"
"Absolutely," Maya and Lucas shot Zay a glare and he groaned, "I mean, I would have to be in a relationship with you to know. But, I'm an outsider in this situation and I have nothing more to say about it."
"No, I think you're on to something," Riley informed him.
"Riley," Maya tried to stop her.
"What? He's Lucas's best friend, you're my best friend. Clearly, we enjoy challenging each other," Riley pointed out, as the boys looked at them in confusion.
"An eye for an eye, makes everyone blind," Maya returned.
"This isn't about revenge," Riley argued.
"You and Zay barely talk, how would a relationship between the two of you go?" Maya pressed, as she tried to get Riley to see reason.
"I'm sorry, but, what?" Zay attempted to cut in.
"I imagine that I'd probably poor a smoothie on his head and then, maybe, we could go almost kiss by a campfire," Riley returned, folding her arms across her chest and daring Maya to contradict her.
"There are no campfires in New York City," she held her hands up in exasperation.
"That's why I'm building one."
"I am so confused," Zay admitted, his head bouncing between the two of them.
"I think the two of you need to explain what's going on," Farkle offered, though Riley could tell from the frustrated look on his face that he was already piecing things together.
"Riley's decided that she needs to go out and find a fire-filled relationship for herself," Maya informed them.
"So, you're giving up on us?" Lucas's voice came out deep and a shiver ran down Riley's back, as she caught the dark look in his eye.
"Clearly, what we have isn't enough for you, or is it too much?" Riley replied, her frustration from earlier fueling her response.
"You're the one that told me that I was your brother," Lucas reminded her.
"And you're the one who's been flirting with Maya from the moment that we met."
"That's not true," Lucas denied.
"It's not?" Maya spoke up and Riley and Lucas both turned in surprise to see their friends still standing there watching them.
"You like when Maya pulls on your collar and gets in your face and you like when she challenges you. You can't have both of us, Lucas, and I'm done trying to compete with a hurricane. I'm going to class," Riley announced, turning her back on them and heading into her first period classroom.
It's as she's sitting in class that she realizes that after the storm, you were left with nothing, but destruction. And it might be because of who she is, but that's the one thing that she doesn't want.
"So, let me see if I can get this straight," Farkle started, as they hid in the back of the library at lunch. She'd been hoping that she'd get some time by herself, but Farkle had known exactly where to find her, "You and Maya can't outwardly fight over Lucas because of your friendship, so you're fighting over Zay."
"I don't know what we're fighting over, anymore," Riley admitted, leaning her head back against the bookshelf, "I love Maya, but things have just gotten so messed up. I spend all day, every day trying to act the way that I'm supposed to act, but I'm tired, Farkle."
"And you really think that jumping into another relationship, is going to make all of this better?"
"You know, I don't think I was ever going to really do it?" Riley admitted, staring intently at her knees, "I think I was just looking for a way out."
"You think Lucas is going to just let things go after your fight?" Farkle questioned, his voice filled with skepticism.
"He likes the game that he plays with Maya," Riley sighed.
"He might like the game, but does he have romantic feelings for Maya, herself? Or does he just like the rush of getting caught up in the moment?" Farkle pointed out.
"I'm not someone who plays games in a relationship," Riley reminded him, "At least, not until this morning."
"And Lucas has never played games with you. What the two of you have is there, there's no denying it or pretending that it isn't there. I don't know what he feels for Maya, but I wouldn't throw in the towel, yet," Farkle advised, getting up from the floor, "I'm going to lunch."
"I think I'm going to stay here for a while," Riley returned, watching as he disappeared around the corner and out of her line of sight.
"I'm sorry, Peaches," Riley apologized, stopping next to Maya's open locker.
"For what?" Maya returned.
"For this morning. You were right, it was a bad idea," Riley continued.
"I don't want to be a hurricane, you know?" Maya admitted, closing the locker and turning to face Riley, "I did my fair share of destructive things in middle school, but that's not who I want to be, anymore. I'm trying to be more like you."
"Why would you want to be like me, when you could be you?" Riley questioned.
"Because you're Riley. And beyond being hopeful and optimistic, you're smart and you care about everything and everyone. The world is a brighter place for having you in it and I want to leave more than a trail of destruction behind me."
"And I want people to notice me the way that they notice you. I can't deny that Mayaville might be a funner place to live," Riley confessed.
"So, what do we do?" Maya asked, looking to Riley for an answer.
"Maybe, we keep seeing the best in each other and instead of being jealous of it, we remind each other that those are the things we hope we never lose," Riley suggested, reaching out to pull Maya into her side.
"I think that's a good idea," Maya agreed, resting her head on Riley's shoulder.
"And we need to be careful that we don't lose ourselves in trying to be each other," Riley added.
"Agreed," Maya grabbed her backpack off the ground and slung it towards one shoulder, "I need to go pick up my project from the art room, but, then, do you want to go hang out at your place?"
"Sure, I'll wait for you by the front doors," Riley suggested.
"See you in a minute," Maya took off down the hall and Riley started in the other direction.
She'd only made it a couple of feet when a hand reached out and pulled her into a janitor's closet.
"Lucas?" she asked, when her eyes adjusted to the faded light.
Her back was against a white-bricked wall and she could see the blazing look in his eyes that was usually reserved for when he was fighting with someone.
"What are you doing?" she pressed, her voice coming out breathy, as she struggled to get air into her lungs. She wanted to put some space between them, but he seemed to see the intent in her eyes and his arms immediately moved to the wall to block her in.
"Why is it that when it comes to us, you'll listen to what everyone else thinks, except for me?" he questioned, his breath brushing against her face, as she stared at him with wide eyes.
"Because they're right. Anyone who's ever seen you with Maya knows that," Riley returned.
"I wasn't flirting with her, Riley. I didn't even realize that what we were doing could be seen that way until after Texas. And if that's what you thought, you should have told me," he insisted, his voice gentle, despite the way he was looking at her.
"I should have done a lot of things, Lucas. But, I thought I was making things easier by stepping aside and I knew that you would both deny it if I ever brought it up. But, look where we are now. We wouldn't be here if you didn't have feelings for her," Riley argued.
"We wouldn't be here if you'd just talked to me. That was something that we were pretty good at, remember?"
"Is that what you want? Someone to talk to. Or would you rather have someone who's exciting; who pushes you and challenges you?" Riley returned, searching his face for answers.
"You do challenge me, Riley. You challenge me to be as good of a person as what you see me as, you challenge me to face my fears, and being with you has certainly been a challenge," he replied, his lips pulling up into a fond smile, "And have you ever considered that when Zay goes off on these tangents about Maya, that it's not my feelings he's talking about?"
"You think Zay has feelings for Maya?" Riley questioned, trying to imagine them together in her head, "And you're okay with that?"
"When he's not giving you reasons to doubt what I feel for you and making you think, in a roundabout way, that he's the kind of guy that you should be with, then, yeah, it doesn't really keep me up at night," Lucas admitted.
"Well, I'm glad we got that straightened out," Riley offered, trying to duck under his arm, but finding herself, just pulled closer to him, as his arms used the extra space to wrap around her.
"We're not done, yet," Lucas informed her, his forehead resting against hers.
"We're not?"
"You said that you were looking for a relationship filled with fire," he reminded her and she could feel his heart pounding against the fingers that were trapped against his chest.
"I changed my mind," she admitted, thinking that at least if she passed out, his arms were already around her to catch her.
"The thing that I've realized about fire, is that it's there for a minute and then it's gone. And, maybe, it's important in a relationship, but I think what you have when it's not there is just as important."
"That's an interesting insight," Riley offered, her mind racing with what he was planning in their current situation and how he'd feel when he was evening it up with Maya later. There had to be varying levels of heat of what you felt with a given person in a given moment and she can't help wondering how this compares to what he and Maya feel with each other.
"Riley?" he asked, amusement in his voice.
"Yes," her voice came out as a squeak.
"The secret to this, is that you have to stop thinking," he informed her, before his hands came up to grab her face.
Her eyes slowly trace over his face, starting at his lips and slowly making their way up to his eyes. She knows that they're the one thing that can't lie and whatever he feels with Maya, she can't doubt the feelings that she sees reflected back at her.
She knows that he's waiting for something and that if she tries to push him away, now, he'll let her go.
So, she knows that it's all her, that's suddenly wrapping her arms around his neck, twining her fingers in her hair and closing the remaining distance between them.
His lips crash into hers and she suddenly finds her back pressed against the wall, as they try to crush any remaining distance between the two of them. His hands move from her face, down her neck, and finally trace an electric pattern from where her short-sleeves end to her wrists, before wrapping around her waist to pull her closer.
She's not aware of time or Maya or who she's supposed to be, she's not even sure where Lucas ends and where she begins.
He's the one to pull back, his breath hitting her ear and ruffling her hair, as they both pant.
"Lucas?" she whispers into his shirt, as their breathing begins to return to normal.
"Yeah?"
"Texas—" he cuts her off before she can continue.
"Was a fire," he offers, "This was a volcanic eruption."
"I don't know how I'm going to even this up with Zay," she joked, enjoying the way his arms immediately tensed around her.
"I think we're both done with trying to even things up," Lucas suggested, before his lips descended to hers, again.
This is not my most polished piece of work, so please excuse any mistakes and any inconsistencies. Originally, I was going to build this into a multi-chapter fic that discussed Riley trying to find her own thing in high school that's separate from her friends and from Maya, but I just don't have the time, now. So, I merged parts of that and some of my ideas for another piece of writing that I would like to do someday (I'm torn between two titles, "When She Was Bad," and, "Affairs of State.") and taking a different approach to how Riley could have handled the love triangle and her first year of high school.
Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it and I would love it if you would leave me a review!