"You're not going with Lucy?" Kendall asked James after she said goodbye to them at the elevators.
Ever since his friends knocked some sense into James, he spent every waking moment winning over Lucy. Kendall never meant for him to be quite so forward with his intentions, but somehow, James made it work. Lucy was around them a lot, as they had only three weeks to prepare for their Tween Choice Awards performance, and she accompanied them to Rocque Records every day. The five of them made long hours and James was always professional when they were at work, but as soon as Gustavo let them go James resumed wooing Lucy.
Kendall wasn't sure if it was working yet, as Lucy had an amazing poker face and rarely showed vulnerability, but according to Logan, who heard from Camille, she was starting to crack. He just prayed Lucy wouldn't make James grovel for much longer as it was getting awkward to watch his usually buff, strong-willed friend bootlicking.
Though more than anything else, Kendall was damn proud of how much he'd grown.
Proud, and somewhat annoyed. James' primary tactic to show Lucy no one else mattered to him was by acting exactly in accordance with that philosophy. That meant that when Kendall approached him while he was talking to Lucy to invite him to a game of Battle Blast, James promptly shut a door in his face. Carlos returned to the apartment soaking wet after a similar incident, as James had unceremoniously dumped him in the pool when he kept badgering them. Kendall didn't much mind when James was rude to him or Carlos, but he did take offence when James ignored Logan's invitation to get smoothies with them and locked him in the studio.
Kendall only let that slide because Logan was only amused and endeared by James' efforts.
It helped that James wasn't just ignoring his friends. He very deliberately rejected anyone who wanted his attention when he was with Lucy, showing with remarkable determination that no one was more important than her. James was just the right amount of attentive and sweet, while maintaining enough distance not to make Lucy feel pressured. He listened to her and actually paid attention, laughed at her jokes and showed genuine interest in her life.
So Kendall knew this was worth it. Lucy would end up agreeing to go out with James and the two of them would live happily ever after. Then James would return to his normal self and Kendall would orchestrate another make out session with Logan in front of him, as payback for treating him poorly. All would work out in the end.
"James?" He pushed when he got no reaction.
"Sorry. What?"
"You're not going to Lucy's tonight?"
"No," James sighed. "She's going to dinner with her parents. Lucy hasn't seen them since she went on tour."
"You should've gone!" Carlos told him. "Introduce yourself as the future boyfriend."
"That would've been a horrible idea," Logan chastised.
"Right," James answered. "I need a distraction. Do you want to go out tonight?"
"I'm going to the arcade!" Carlos announced.
James nodded. "Cool. I'm in."
"I'll text Stephanie that you're coming along."
James' jaw set and he looked down at the floor, but not before Kendall caught a glimpse of resentment. It lasted only a moment and by the time he turned to Kendall and Logan his smile was back. "Are you coming?"
Logan looked up at Kendall questioningly. They intended to go stargazing tonight, but during the afternoon it started raining and the night promised to be cloudy and cold; not ideal weather. "We can go stargazing tomorrow," Logan suggested.
Kendall nodded. "Sure."
James' expression was unreadable when Kendall turned back to him. "You were going on a date?"
"Yeah," Logan answered excitedly. "We planned to go stargazing, but for that to work we need a clear sky. So we can come."
Kendall had the strong feeling that was the wrong thing to say. He turned out to be right; as soon as the elevator dinged James got off and paced ahead of them back to the apartment. Carlos and Logan didn't notice, but all of it reminded Kendall of his last fallout with James. He felt guilty when he realised he never followed up on James' weird behaviour then.
Kendall decided to pay more attention to James tonight. He missed his friend; the last time they hung out together had been a long time ago and admittedly, that had mostly been Kendall's fault. James was the friend who'd always depended on him the least, but Kendall also knew he had a hard time asking for support when he did need it. That support had been mostly unavailable while Kendall was distracted by Logan.
Mom and Katie were waiting for them with food when they arrived at the apartment. James was silent all through dinner, picking at his salad and eventually pushing it aside without eating a thing. Kendall had a strange sense of foreboding when the rest of them finished eating and everyone but James got ready to leave for the arcade.
Kendall finished putting his shoes on and turned to James, who was lingering somewhere between the front door and the back hallway. "Are you coming?" Kendall asked, knowing the answer already.
"I don't feel so good," James told him, looking him straight in his eyes; he knew Kendall saw right through him and was challenging him to call him out on it.
This wasn't a fight Kendall intended to pick tonight. Carlos started to protest, but Kendall held up a hand to stop him. "Okay. Feel better."
James nodded and disappeared to his room. Kendall turned to Carlos and Logan, both of them staring at him. "What was that?" Logan asked confused.
Kendall ushered the both of them out the door before they could try to get to James. "I have a vague idea."
"Is he mad at us?" Carlos asked.
"No," Kendall sighed. "He's not mad."
Carlos frowned at him. "Will you fix it?"
"I will," Kendall promised.
Once at the arcade Kendall managed to forget mostly about James. On their way over he'd worked out exactly what the problem was and Kendall knew how to fix it; by tomorrow evening James would be fine. Kendall thought he was a little bit of a drama queen, which was nothing new, but it did exasperate him.
Kendall smiled and paid the bartender for their drinks before bringing them back to their table. Carlos, Logan and Stephanie unanimously decided to kick him out of their air-hockey tournament. Kendall knew he had it coming; he was awesome at whatever game was put in front of him and he refused to go easy on them. So, instead, he got drinks and settled at the table to watch them.
Logan was up against Stephanie, the two of them laughing as they tried to get the puck past each other. Kendall loved to see Logan smile; his face lit up and his eyes would turn into these cheerful little bows. Also, each time he bent over a bit of white skin appeared above his khakis and Kendall was already thinking of later tonight when he would get to slide his hand along his silky skin again.
Kendall wished stargazing would've worked out tonight. Going out with Carlos and Stephanie was fun, but since the point of this outing was to distract James, tonight was pointless. Kendall and Logan spent almost every second of every day together, but while they were still hiding their relationship from Gustavo and the rest of the world, Kendall never got to spend as much time alone with Logan as he wanted to.
And since admitting to himself how deeply he fell in love with Logan, pretending not to be became a thousand times harder.
Kendall longed for those rare moments where he could touch Logan freely. Just to hold his hand or touch his face or press his lips to Logan's temple to smell his hair. He wanted to talk without watching his every word, tell Logan about everything he wanted for them, but above all he wanted to listen. Logan rarely spoke his mind, aside from those moments he felt truly comfortable, and the last time was when they went on their first date. Kendall desperately wanted to know everything on Logan's mind, what he wanted to do in the future and if he planned on staying with Kendall and what kind of doctor he wanted to be and if he wanted to look into getting a place with Kendall when he went to college.
And, maybe, finally find out what it was that kept startling him.
There was no more denying it; two weeks ago Logan almost ran out on him after the first time they touched each other, as if he thought he was dirty, and last Monday at Lucy's welcome back he'd frozen up when Kendall talked cursed at Beau. The cold he felt whenever one of his friends was keeping secrets from him was back in his chest. Though this time around, that cold felt more like an icicle piercing his heart. He prayed it was something minor, a little bump in the road they would easily get passed, but he feared worse.
"Dude, Kendall."
"What?" He asked vaguely. Logan just scored and Kendall involuntarily smiled when he saw him cheer.
"You need to stop staring at Logan," Carlos answered.
Kendall looked up then, but he only seemed amused.
"Only if you mean to keep your relationship a secret. If you want the news to get out this is what you need to keep doing."
His first instinct was to tell Carlos to mind his own business, but he stopped himself before he snapped and ran a hand through his hair. Carlos was just looking out for them. "I know," He sighed. "Thank you for warning me."
"How long is it supposed to stay a secret?"
"Until after tour," Kendall answered, his eyes now focused on his coke. The end of their tour was still five months away. Hiding, keeping secrets, pretending to be someone else; Kendall hated faking with a passion, but for Logan he'd suck it up.
"That's a long time," Carlos commented.
"Yeah."
"Why not share sooner?"
Kendall looked up to meet his eyes. There were a lot of reasons they weren't ready to go public. They had only been dating for a few weeks, and despite how Kendall felt, it was too soon for them to come out. There was also the band's reputation to consider, which would take a serious hit even if the majority was supportive. But most importantly, and what Kendall and Logan hadn't discussed with James and Carlos yet, there might not be a band to consider after tour. All of them would be free to do as they pleased.
He studied Carlos for a moment, who was uncharacteristically serious. Kendall wondered if he had an ulterior motive for coining this topic, apart from interest in their plans. After all, Stephanie was considering the job in London and a move like that must be weighing heavily on him. "I think you know," Kendall said hesitantly, trying to coax out whatever it was Carlos had on his mind.
Carlos nodded slowly. "Do you still want to play hockey?"
"Yes," Kendall answered truthfully.
"And Logan still wants to be a doctor?"
"Yes."
"And James?"
At this point Carlos had given himself away completely and Kendall decided to be honest as well. "I haven't figured that out yet, bud."
Carlos nodded slowly. "Me either. I'm scared to ask."
Kendall smiled a bit. "If you want to go with Stephanie when she signs a deal, you should," He encouraged gently.
"I haven't decided on that yet," Carlos mumbled.
"I know, but you shouldn't let our feelings get in the way of whatever you want to do."
"But that's the only reason I haven't decided yet."
Carlos truly was the truest, nicest person he ever met. "Carlos, the moment one of us decides they want to pursue something else, that's it. I don't want to be in a band when someone else wants out. And at this point you're not the only one who is seriously considering another path."
"Logan?" He guessed.
"Yeah. He got into UCLA, he's trying to decide if he wants to go in September."
"That's awesome," Carlos sighed happily. Kendall loved that his first instinct was to be happy for his friend. "He should go."
"I'm working on that," Kendall agreed. "But he says he doesn't want to unless we're all okay with it."
"I'm going to travel the world with my girlfriend, who I love. I'll be fine," Carlos said dismissively. "I don't know about James."
"The moment the band ends James will be offered contracts from music producers and modelling agencies and Broadway recruiters, he will be brilliant no matter what he does. I'm not too worried about it."
"But James will be worried about it."
"Yes," Kendall sighed, because that was the same problem he came down to.
"We need to show James he is awesome."
Kendall grinned and shook his head. "I swear, half of my life revolves around making James happy."
"Yes. But! James always has your back."
"Right," He snorted. Kendall couldn't remember the last time he hung out with James when they weren't working. He decided to change the subject, because the state of his friendship with James was bringing up a lot of anxiety. Tomorrow he'd fix him. "Don't worry about us, Carlos. No matter what happens, we'll always be your friends."
"Even James?"
"Yes, James too."
Carlos was quiet for a moment. "What will you do when Logan goes to college?"
Kendall involuntarily looked back at Logan, who was bent over the table in his final attempt to win his game against Stephanie. "I hope I can find a place with Logan when we have to move out of 2J," Kendall told him. Then he added quickly, "And I'm going to give hockey a shot."
Carlos didn't answer immediately and Kendall was distracted by the pair at the air hockey table. He smiled when Logan won the game against Stephanie and did a happy dance. She demanded a rematch and Logan happily obliged. "James is right."
"What?" Kendall asked vaguely.
"You're in love with Logan."
Kendall looked up once again and opened his mouth to deny it, but then paused and looked down at the table. "Yes," He admitted. Kendall wasn't too surprised James and Carlos were gossiping about them, he was a little surprised that James figured that out already. "Don't tell Logan."
"I won't."
"How does James know?"
Carlos shrugged. "James says he knew since the day after your first date."
After Lucy's welcome back party Kendall didn't doubt that. Lucy guessed they were dating, as did Camille and Jo, it wasn't much of a leap that James saw through them too. He was much closer to them, after all, and Kendall was aware he wore his heart on his sleeve. "I don't know how to hide it," Kendall muttered, fixing his eyes on the table when he felt the urge to look at Logan again.
"You're not a good actor," Carlos agreed.
"I know, dude," He said dryly.
The nose of Carlos' sneaker collided painfully with his shin. "I'm trying to say you shouldn't act at all. We have awesome fans, most of them will just cheer you guys on. The ones that have a problem I don't want as fans anyway."
Kendall wondered if the problem was truly that easy. Carlos was right about bigoted fans, but he knew there was more than just their reaction to consider. Gustavo would have an opinion, just as the media, and most important; James and Logan were still against the idea. It was yet another problem Kendall knew they had to discuss about amongst the four of them.
"We have a lot to talk about," Kendall sighed.
"We do," Carlos agreed. "Sometimes I think I learn more about you guys through gossiping with the others."
Kendall smiled. Carlos had no idea how right he was. "It works, though. Most of the time."
Carlos nodded. "I love you."
Kendall hopped out of the booth and the next moment Carlos nearly lifted him off his feet when he hugged him. "I love you too, bud," Kendall laughed.
"Can I join this? I just lost," Logan said when he appeared next to them.
Carlos pulled him in and Logan smiled, wrapping his arms around both of them. Kendall's heart filled with pride. No matter what, between the four of them they would work it out.
"I miss James," Logan told them, as if he was reading Kendall's mind.
"Will you fix him, Kendall?" Carlos asked again.
"Yes," He promised.
After sixteen years of friendship Kendall couldn't quite grasp why James felt the way he did, but he knew how to fix it. James had valid reasons to feel insecure, he admitted somewhat begrudgingly, and Kendall was reminded of the shy, chubby kid he used to be. Kendall was positive he could solve James' problem more easily this time.
They finished their drinks and walked home, Stephanie and Carlos in front of Logan and him. She was giving a detailed description of her last air-hockey match against Logan and Kendall understood more and more of why she wanted to be with Carlos. They had the same desire for fun and joy in their lives and always went all-in.
Once they reached the park Logan began walking little bits closer to him, brushing his arm along his. Kendall smiled to himself and draped his arm around his shoulders, melting further when Logan rested his head to his chest. "I'm worried about James," He confessed.
"You don't have to be."
"Did we do something to hurt him?"
"No," Kendall soothed. "I'd say he's being stupid, but I believe he has a good reason to be."
Logan nodded. They reached the lobby and Kendall reached down to lace their fingers while they were waiting on the elevator. Logan was sweet and compassionate and Kendall craved to be alone with him. For once not to satisfy his desperate need for Logan, but just to sooth him. Logan was so private and closed off about his feelings, the concern he did express was just the tip of the iceberg.
After wishing Stephanie and Carlos goodnight, the two of them made their way to their room. Logan used the bathroom first and by the time Kendall returned to the room, Logan was undressed to his underwear and looking through his closet for pyjamas.
"Don't," Kendall requested softly when Logan wanted to pull on a long-sleeved, dark blue pair. He stepped up behind him and placed a kiss to the back of his neck.
"I'm not really in the mood tonight," Logan whispered. They usually slept in PJ's when they didn't get to messing around.
"That's not why I asked," He confessed, taking his time to slide his arms around Logan's body to pull him close. "It makes me feel closer to you when it's just your skin along mine."
Logan turned around and looked up at him, his cheeks faintly pink and those huge, round eyes filled with emotion. Kendall's resolve melted instantly, he took Logan's face in his hands and kissed him softly. Thin fingers wrapped around his wrists to keep him close and all Kendall could think about was getting more of this, just Logan and his silky skin and his warmth and his lips.
Slowly Kendall made his way to his bed and he carefully laid Logan back before crawling in beside him. Just this was what Kendall wanted for tonight, Logan in his arms, maybe talk for a bit before going to sleep.
It was only a few minutes before Logan pulled away and placed his ear over Kendall's heart. He had done that countless times since they started dating, but Kendall never got used to it. The gesture was so lovely and sweet and every single time Kendall had to fight not to speak those three words that were always on his mind. Logan wasn't ready to hear them, and truthfully, Kendall wasn't ready to tell him.
There was still the nagging feeling in the back of his mind that Logan wasn't telling him everything.
Logan was always reluctant to talk about his feelings, but Kendall knew that when Logan did, he was the person he came to. The fact that he wasn't talking now could mean a wide variety of things, but Kendall's instinct told him this was something to worry about.
. Kendall knew that if he had to explain it to someone else, they would tell him his alarm was based on a hunch. The moments Logan acted strangely were rare, he was completely fine on most days. He worked hard on the band and his schoolwork, he hung out with friends and he was generally relaxed and happy. But then there were the times they hung out alone, when Logan almost seemed… afraid of him. He would be quiet and hide his face, while simultaneously clinging to him, and it terrified Kendall to his bones.
The looming sense of foreboding kept him up for a long time after Logan fell asleep. With his mother moving out, the uncertain future of the band, James' fickle behaviour when it came to his friends and Carlos' very real plans to move halfway across the world, Kendall felt like he was losing all control. The last thing he needed was Logan keeping secrets from him too. Kendall could handle anything that was thrown at him as long as Logan stayed with him.
Kendall feared he wouldn't.
On Saturday morning, after kissing Logan awake and instigating a tickle fight just to hear him laugh, Kendall set out to find James. Logan said something about finishing a research paper at the library and trying out a new recipe and Carlos shovelled his cereal in his mouth in record time to spend his day off with Stephanie, so Kendall knew James wasn't with them. He hoped Lucy was out with her parents again, because trying to pry James away from her would be impossible.
It turned out that Kendall didn't even have to search, as James walked into 2J before he had even finished his coffee. He was dressed in sweats and a tank and vaguely greeted them before disappearing into the bathroom. Kendall sighed and went to refill his mug. James had a whole morning routine and wouldn't come out for forty minutes.
Mindlessly Kendall scrolled through his socials while he was thinking over what to tell James. Yes, all his friends were in happy relationships, but that was no reason to cut himself out. Stephanie was fun to be around and Kendall and Logan couldn't act like a couple in public anyway, there was no reason for him to feel like a fifth wheel. Besides, in two more weeks James would ask Lucy out and they would start dating and the whole problem would cease to exist.
He looked up when James reappeared, dressed only in his underwear and making his way back to his room while towelling his hair dry. Kendall rolled his eyes and trailed after him, glad his baby sister wasn't in the apartment for that show. James was in front of his closet when Kendall entered his bedroom. He didn't bother to knock and just shut the door behind him before settling on James' bed.
"I knew you'd show up," James sassed.
"Good," Kendall answered optimistically.
James was critically looking between two identical white shirts and very pointedly ignored his presence. Kendall knew that wouldn't last long and patiently waited for James to stop wasting time on his outfit. They played this game often, and James never won before.
"I know what's bothering me, I don't need the speech."
"All right."
"I'm sorry."
"It's fine, dude. Contrary to what everyone believes, I don't enjoy giving speeches."
"Yes, you do," He said dryly. James put both the white shirts back in the closet and pulled out a pastel lilac one Kendall thought was hideous. "Anyway. That wasn't what I was apologising for."
"Then why?"
"I'm sorry for parading all my dates in front of you guys all those years."
Kendall laughed in surprise. Whatever he'd expected James to say, that wasn't it.
"I mean it," James said seriously. "I didn't realise how rude it was until now."
"I believe you," Kendall assured him. "You shouldn't feel bad though, I wasn't any better."
He shrugged. "You tried to be discreet, at least. I just hit on anyone within arm-length and made out with them up against the nearest wall."
James wasn't lying and Kendall didn't know how to twist that into something nice. "Why is that bothering you all of a sudden?"
"Cause. Carlos was always jealous back then, but I never considered his feelings. I just told him to suck it up. But now he has everything I want coming to him so easily and it fucking hurts."
Kendall frowned, because James was confessing to a horrible bout of envy and hypocrisy that Kendall wasn't sure he wanted to know about. "Carlos is not dating Stephanie to taunt you," He answered, his voice starker than he intended.
"I know. I'd never tell him this," James sighed. "Carlos deserves everything he has coming to him. Stephanie is a total smoke show and completely nuts, I couldn't have imagined a better girl for him."
"Good."
"I can't stand to be around them though. Ever since I can remember, people throw themselves at me. This is the first time I really fall for someone, and she rejects me. Carlos always had to try hard and rarely even got to kiss a girl, but when he fell in love everything went so effortlessly."
"James, I hate to say it, but this might be the time to take your own advice and suck it up."
"You're supposed to help me, not insult me," James grumbled.
Kendall raised an eyebrow. "I am helping you. Carlos is not your problem, you are. I know it's hard to see him get everything you want with Lucy, but he's your best friend. You'll regret it if you take your jealousy out on him."
"I wouldn't do that."
"All right. Then stop pouting and running to your room when Carlos invites her along and just come with us. We miss you."
"You do?"
"Yes, James," Kendall sighed. "Sometimes I can't think of why, but Carlos and Logan are pretty adamant they want you around, so I guess I'll tolerate it."
James attempted to hit him with a pillow, but Kendall just grinned and dodged it. "You love me," James told him.
Kendall smiled when James sat next to him on the bed. "I thought you didn't want to come with us because you don't want to be a fifth wheel."
"Yeah, there's that too," He admitted quietly.
"You shouldn't think of it as going out with two couples."
"Yeah, that's not happening," James said sarcastically.
"Hear me out," Kendall chastised.
"Fine."
"You should think of those nights we go out as a group, as one girl, going out with four friends who have known each other for sixteen years, who live together and spend all their time together in a band."
James didn't answer and Kendall hoped he was letting it sink in. The four of them shared a friendship unlike anything else, no one besides them would ever understand what they went through to get here. As close Stephanie was to Carlos, she could never replace what James meant to them.
"It's also a lot less romantic then you're imagining. Carlos and Stephanie are both fanatics, they kept fighting over who got the highest scores at the arcade yesterday."
James chuckled involuntarily.
"And Logan and I can't act like a couple at all in public, so there's nothing to worry about there either."
"Yeah, okay," He mumbled.
"Come on, man. We need you there." Kendall nudged him with his shoulder. "Carlos kept making jokes no one understood, because they were all about the stupid stunts he undertakes with you."
"Someone needs to be there to catch him when whatever he does goes wrong, Logan can only talk him out of the life threatening stuff."
Kendall felt faintly worried, but ignored it to continue making his point. "Logan's always worried about you when you don't come along."
James hummed, but Kendall was sure he caught a hint of a smile as well.
"And I need you to challenge me. Last night they kicked me off their little air-hockey tournament because I kept beating them."
James snorted. "You must've thought you were the shit."
"I did," Kendall confirmed, smirking. "It's such an easy game too, all you need is to find the right angle to get the puck in."
"Smug, much?"
"I am awesome, pretty boy. None of them even came close to beating me."
James rolled his eyes. "You desperately need me, one more night of that and you won't be able to hold your big head up any longer."
Kendall grinned widely, because when James insulted him it meant he was back to his old self. "Everyone wants you around, James. Carlos needs to goof off with someone, Logan likes talking to you for some inane reason and I can't touch him in public anyway, so you might as well come too."
"That sits deep, huh?" James laughed, shaking his head. "I'm sorry, I'll come with you next time."
"Good," Kendall said resolutely. "Don't let your jealousy get in the way. Just keep doing what you already do and in two weeks it won't matter anyway, because you'll be dating Lucy."
"If she says yes when I ask her out," He sighed.
"Lucy would never string you along if she wasn't into you too, she's not mean."
"I keep telling myself that, but there are these moments when she looks at me like I'm the scariest thing in the world. The next second she's fine, just maybe a bit clingier than she normally is. It's like, she can't decide if she can trust me and the next all she wants is for me to stick around longer."
The coldness Kendall's chest reappeared suddenly, full force. "What are you doing when that happens?" He asked, hoping James would clarify the feeling for him. Kendall's intuition never let him down, but he had no clue what more was bothering James. They just made up.
James shrugged. "All we do is talk. Mostly when we're walking around the park or when we're alone in her apartment."
"What do you talk about?"
"Everything. Her parents, life on tour, her friends back home," James summed up, then he added. "Beau comes up a lot."
Beau was a problem, but as far as Kendall knew he was out of the picture. "How does Lucy react when you talk about Beau?"
"She doesn't look at me when she talks and afterwards she's quiet and usually only up for low-key activities, or she starts writing songs. But sometimes she'll hug me and stay like that for hours. I definitely don't mind," James said quickly. "It's just a strange reaction."
Kendall didn't answer right away, because he figured out why Lucy's behaviour alarmed him and his mind was rapidly going through the last couple of weeks to connect more dots. "Do you think she keeps things from you?"
"Yes," He answered. "I know she does. I'm not too worried about it though, we haven't even had a first date yet. Carlos says it takes time to build the kind of trust where she'll tell me everything."
"Yeah," Kendall said vaguely. He actually thought James and Lucy were communicating remarkably well.
"Why do you ask?"
"I don't mean to pry," Kendall murmured apologetically. "It's just that Logan has been acting much like Lucy and I don't know why."
James met his eyes briefly, but where Kendall expected to see surprise or concern, there was only frustration. The next second his expression was carefully blank and he looked in his lap. "That's crazy, why-"
"What do you know?" Kendall interrupted. James wasn't a better liar than Logan and he had no patience for his obvious sidestep.
He just shrugged, his eyes fixed on Carlos' bed across the room. "Nothing."
"James."
"Fine, I know everything," James snapped. "I just can't tell you."
That hurt. James clearly made a promise not to talk to Kendall, which meant it wasn't James who didn't want him to know. It was Logan.
Logan, who told James everything about this thing he was keeping from Kendall. Logan, who went to great lengths to keep him from finding out. "FUCK. I knew there was something," Kendall burst. He jumped up and started pacing. "Why doesn't he tell me?"
"If I knew that we wouldn't be in this mess."
Kendall swirled back to him. "What mess?"
James sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "I can't talk about it. Please, don't put me in the middle."
"You're making that very difficult for me."
"I'm sorry, all right? I shouldn't have said anything. I slipped up. I just thought Logan would've told you by now."
"Told me what?!" Kendall growled.
"I can't," James told him regretfully. "You need to talk to Logan."
"Logan doesn't talk! I've to drag everything out of him!"
"And you think it will help his trust issues when I tell you his secrets?"
Kendall's mouth shut abruptly.
James nodded grimly. "Exactly. I really am sorry, Kendall."
"Yeah. Fine."
"I can't talk to you now, but I will once Logan has told you. If that helps."
Kendall rolled his eyes, because James must know that wasn't helpful. At all.
James smiled weakly and scooted off the bed. "Thanks for, you know, talking to me. That helped."
Kendall sighed. "Yeah."
"I'm gonna head to Lucy's now."
James gathered his phone and wallet before leaving the room. Kendall sat back on James' bed and stayed long after he left.
Lucy went through something awful with Beau. He strung her along, gaslighted her and cheated repeatedly. She was right to be careful getting into a relationship with a guy like James. Kendall would've understood it if she refused to give him a chance at all. Instead, Lucy told him what happened to her and cautiously let James close.
Close enough that she had moments when she didn't want him to leave at all.
Logan had those too. He sought Kendall out whenever he got the chance, to hold his hand or to kiss him or just to be near him when they were in public. Kendall loved to have his hands on Logan and gladly indulged in it whenever he got the chance, but that wasn't normal behaviour for Logan.
Kendall didn't actually know what normal behaviour for Logan in a relationship was.
The truth was that he knew next to nothing about Logan's dating history. He briefly dated Camille years ago, but that had been so awkward, even to watch, that Kendall never counted it as a relationship. Then there was a whole lot of nothing, until Logan started messing around with that guy he met at some party.
At the time Kendall thought it was curious, but didn't pay too much attention to them. He just broke up with Jo and was taking full advantage of his bachelorhood as an adult. At the time his next lay was much more important than what his friends were up to. He noticed, of course, when Logan started disappearing with some guy, and he had asked James about it once. He told Kendall not to worry, Logan was just sowing his wild oats.
Back then that made sense to him. Logan kept himself so sheltered, it was past time he explored a bit.
However, presently, Kendall grew more concerned the longer he thought about it.
Logan didn't have a wild oat in his body. He didn't do one night stands, or friends with benefits. Even after dating for weeks he never initiated more than a kiss. Logan was willing enough when Kendall did, yes, but always as part of intimacy and closeness. Casual relationships didn't fulfil that need, the whole purpose of such an arrangement was just to alleviate sexual frustration, and Logan needed his relationships to be meaningful.
So why did Logan sneak around with some guy he never introduced to his friends? Kendall knew next to nothing about him, he didn't even have a name. Logan mentioned him a few times, but only when someone else brought his absence, and never in much detail. His mind burst with questions he urgently needed answers to. Who was he? How did Logan meet him? When did they stop seeing each other? What did they do? Where did he take Logan?
Did he treat Logan right?
And more importantly, had it been consensual?
Kendall was terrified he knew the answer to that question.
After eating a quick dinner with the guys and his family Logan and he headed out for their date. They spent all day apart; Logan was at the library for research and after Kendall's talk to James he helped his mom and Katie pack for their move. The prospect still made his chest contract tightly and the pain he felt at the idea of not seeing them every day ran deep, but Kendall knew it was time for them to go.
That, along with everything James revealed that morning, led him to be unusually broody and his mother quickly picked up on that. "What's going on, honey?" She asked when Katie left the room.
"Logan is hiding something from me."
"That is a tough one," She sighed. "But if I know Logan even a little bit, the last thing he means to do is hurt you."
"James knows, he wouldn't tell me either."
"Because it's not his place to tell Logan's secret?"
"I know," Kendall muttered. "But the way he talked about it makes me think something bad happened."
"And now you can't let it go?"
"No. I can't stand it. Why doesn't Logan want to tell me?" Kendall laid back on the bed and ran a hand down his face.
His mother sat next to him and placed a hand over his arm. "I know you like to keep tabs on your friends and you hate it when they keep stuff from you, but I don't think Logan purposely means to hide anything from you."
"So why doesn't he just tell me?"
"I don't know what happened, honey. I can't look in Logan's head and explain to you why he chooses not to talk to you about it. I do know that he doesn't have a malicious bone in his body. I'm willing to bet the only reason he hasn't told you is because he's scared."
"Of me?"
"Maybe not so much of you as of other repercussions."
"I just want to help him," Kendall mumbled.
"Logan knows that, but you can be a little overbearing when he or James or Carlos are hurt. He's an adult and he knows perfectly well how to take care of himself. Maybe give him some more space?"
Kendall was still thinking over her words while he climbed up the hill stargazers on the internet recommended, clutching Logan's hand tightly in his. The idea of giving Logan more space didn't sit right with him at all. Logan was clearly scared and Kendall's sole instinct was to stay near and hold him closer.
For once, Logan's obliviousness to other people's emotions was a blessing. He was so excited to go stargazing with Kendall that he hadn't stopped spewing facts on various heavenly bodies since they left the apartment. Kendall thought it was the cutest thing ever and usually Logan's cheerful exhilaration would be contagious, but tonight Kendall barely managed to answer him in time when asked a question.
"Over there?" Kendall suggested when they reached a clearing along a cliff. He'd spotted a few groups of people with telescopes further down the hill, but they encountered no one else for a while and Kendall hoped to have some privacy behind the treeline.
Logan's face lit up and he let go of Kendall to check it out. "Yes!"
Kendall easily saw why this was an excellent spot for astronomy hobbyists; they were far enough from the city that the streetlight wouldn't be a problem, but they still had an excellent view of it over the cliff. This place was very romantic and his eyes automatically drifted to Logan, who was setting up their blanket. He was still contemplating outright asking Logan about his dating history, and maybe finally get some answers to his worries, but he hated the idea of doing so tonight. They were rarely alone for longer than an hour and Kendall desperately needed quality time with his favourite person in the world.
Especially when Logan was emitting so much childlike exuberance.
"Where do you want this?" He asked, holding up the telescope. It was an old, clunky device that Logan had inherited from a great uncle.
Logan came over to take it from him and stumbled under the awkward distribution of weight before he managed to take it to the spot he desired.
Kendall smiled and helped him unfold the tripod. "How do you manage to get it up here on your own?" He asked, when Logan staggered under the weight again.
"I've only ever gone stargazing on the roof of the Palm Woods," Logan admitted. "It isn't a bad spot, but all the lights in the city do obstruct the view. I hope to have a clearer view here, in the dark."
"Why not buy one that's more easily transportable?"
Logan shrugged. "I don't do this often enough to justify the money I'd spend."
Kendall had an inkling that Logan didn't go because no one wanted to come with him, and not so much because he couldn't bring the telescope by himself. He felt terrible that Logan never got to fully enjoy his hobby and he decided to get him a better one soon -even though lugging around heavy stuff for Logan made him feel useful.
Logan was setting up the telescope and Kendall watched him fondly. He would also pay more attention to Logan the rest of the night. It didn't matter that he was hiding something, he probably had a good reason. Logan was so obviously happy to be here with him and Kendall loved nothing more than the smile he had on his face now. He would find another opportunity to ask his questions.
When Logan finished Kendall took his hands and pulled him into his body. "I'm sorry I didn't go with you before."
"You told me why, it's fine. I'm glad you're here though."
Kendall was convinced 'glad' was an understatement. "I'm excited too," Kendall told him, leaning in to kiss him softly. "Will you teach me about space and stuff?"
"If you want me to."
"Yes. I want to hear all you've got."
"Okay! Come." Logan took his hand to guide him behind the telescope. "Find the moon."
Kendall pressed his eye over the eye piece, surprised by the number of stars he saw through the little lens. He moved it around until he found the large white body in the sky. "Wow! How do I zoom out?"
Logan helped him adjust the settings and started rattling off facts about the moon. Kendall barely kept up and registered only half the information, but his enthusiasm was contagious. They spent an hour behind the telescope, with Logan finding constellations and planets for Kendall to look at while he continued his narrative. Kendall really did find all of it interesting, though he had to admit that was mostly due to his wonderful teacher. Logan had an amazing voice and suddenly Kendall was looking forward to tour, when he'd get to listen to him sing every day for months.
"You're cold!" Kendall laughed when Logan's hands brushed his.
"Oh. Yeah, maybe a little."
Kendall shook his head and pulled him to their blanket to dig out the sweaters he brought. "Here."
Logan wanted to go back to the telescope, but Kendall had other plans for now and tugged him down between his legs. "Let's warm up for bit," He explained when Logan looked up at him.
"Yeah, okay," Logan sulked, but he pressed closer to Kendall's chest.
Kendall smiled. "We'll continue later," He promised. "You're a good teacher."
"You said you wanted to know everything."
"I do," Kendall answered, kissing his temple. "But now I want you to warm up."
"Oh!" Logan said suddenly, struggling out of Kendall's arms to get to the bag. Kendall watched curiously as he proceeded to take out a plastic container he didn't remember packing. Logan came back to lean against his chest before taking the lid off to show him the content. "I saw the recipe for lemon cupcakes on Facebook yesterday and I thought I'd try it out," He explained, handing one to him. Logan's cheeks flushed and he looked down as he put the container aside. "As a thank you for coming with me tonight."
Kendall's heart burst with love for Logan and he used his free arm to pull him into his body tightly. "You're sweet," He murmured, which didn't come close to what he really wanted to tell Logan. "And you didn't have to do that, but I do love lemon flavoured things."
"It's a little cheesy," Logan whispered.
"Good thing I'm a total sap," Kendall told him, pressing his lips along Logan's jaw.
"Really?"
"Logan, I keep taking you on picnics, the last three movies I suggested we watch were romcoms and as everyone keeps pointing out, I can't keep my hands off you. You really couldn't tell?"
"I thought you were doing those things for my sake," Logan answered, turning slightly so he could look up at Kendall.
"I'm glad you enjoy it too, but it definitely wasn't just because you like it."
"So if I were to fill the roof with candles and fairy lights and roses and we have dinner with classical music playing-
Kendall laughed. "Is this a real suggestion? When can we do that?"
Logan's face got even pinker and he leaned in to kiss Kendall softly. "I like you a lot."
Kendall melted and peppered little kisses along his cheek. "I like you a lot too. Now, let me try this."
Logan obviously put a lot of work into the cupcakes; the frosting was piped on beautifully and Logan decorated them with the little rainbow hearts Kendall recognised from the birthday cake his mother baked Katie a couple months ago. "Damn, these are amazing," He said after taking the first bite.
"Really?"
"Yes. Do you have more at home?"
"I made six, but Carlos came in just when I finished so I'm pretty sure he has devoured the others by now. But I can make new ones tomorrow?"
"I'll help you, I need to know this recipe. Lemon flavoured things are my favourite."
Logan grinned. "I know, that's why I wanted to try these."
Kendall leaned in to kiss him again, sliding his arms around Logan to keep him close. He felt a lot warmer already, but Kendall wasn't ready to go back to stargazing yet. Logan was saying all kinds of amazing things and he wanted to keep him talking for a while longer. "Carlos told me he is seriously considering going with Stephanie if she accepts the deal in London," Kendall told him.
"Huh? When?"
"Yesterday, when you were playing against Stephanie."
"Oh," Logan answered. "I'm not really surprised. I can't imagine it though, Carlos moving away from us."
"No," Kendall answered. "Who will keep him alive?"
"That's always been a three person job, however will Stephanie manage on her own?"
Kendall laughed. "We'll write her a handbook on Carlos wrangling."
Logan grinned, but turned in Kendall's arms to look up at him. "Are you okay with that?"
"Yeah," Kendall answered, wiping the bit of frosting off Logan's nose. "I will miss him, but we'll be touring a whole summer before I have to say goodbye to him. And even then, as long as you stay I'm more than fine."
"I'm staying with you," Logan answered, leaning in to kiss him.
"We need to talk to James soon," Kendall told him. "I don't actually know what he's thinking about all of this."
"We do," Logan agreed, then his eyes widened. "Did you get to talk to him about yesterday?"
"Yeah, I did."
"Is he okay? What did he say?"
"James apologised for parading all his dates in front of us for years."
Logan frowned. "Huh?"
"He's jealous of Carlos. Everything about his relationship with Stephanie came so easy to him after years of struggling with girls. This is the first time James wants to be in a relationship and nothing about it is going smoothly. He didn't realise how rude it was to flaunt his conquests in our faces until he watched Carlos be so obviously happy and in love."
"Carlos doesn't do it on purpose."
"That's why I told James to suck it up."
"You couldn't have said that nicely?" Logan sighed.
"He was being a baby. Telling him to suck it up was the nicest way to express what I was actually thinking."
"I just don't get why you're always picking fights."
Kendall frowned. "Logan, we didn't fight. If anything we talked more yesterday than we have in weeks."
"But you spend every day together."
"That's work. The last time I hung out with him we went to the gym, but you can't do a whole lot of talking there."
"Oh. I'm sorry. I didn't notice."
"I think out of all of us you spend the most time with him."
Logan cast his eyes. "We talk."
Kendall had a hard time suppressing the question that popped in his mind. "Anyway," He said, feeling his stomach drop when relief crossed Logan's face. Clearly he'd been afraid Kendall would ask too. Knowing that didn't make him feel better. "I thought he was scared of being the fifth wheel when he'd come with us."
"That makes more sense," Logan answered weakly. He rested his head against Kendall's chest and slipped an arm around his middle.
"I convinced him that he'd never be a fifth wheel with us," He said softly, trailing his fingers along Logan's arm. "James is fine now, he's coming next time we go out."
"That's good."
"Yes," Kendall agreed. "It'll be fun to have him around again."
"Especially when it works out with Lucy."
"If James carries on like he does now, I don't see how it won't."
"He is rude to a lot of people for her."
"The other day he told me to fuck off when I interrupted her."
Logan smiled. "James pushed me aside when I wanted to go into the limo after Lucy so he could sit next to her."
Kendall hated it that James lay his hands on Logan and seriously reconsidered wanting him around. Hopefully James would return to normal once Lucy finally went out with him. "Maybe James will choose to go on tour with Lucy once ours is over," Kendall pondered.
"It would suck if both him and James travel halfway across the world."
"They'll come back," Kendall said optimistically, while simultaneously pulling Logan closer. "How about you?"
"What do you mean?"
"Have you made any decisions about college?"
Logan averted his eyes and pulled his lip between his teeth. Kendall didn't need to know any more then; Logan made his choice. "I really wanted to talk to James and Carlos first, but we're so busy and I'm not sure if we get a chance to before the deadline."
Kendall nodded. The decision letter had to be in before April, which was rapidly approaching. "What will you do?"
"I'm going to accept," Logan whispered. "Which is really fucking scary."
"I know," He answered, placing his lips to Logan's temple. "You won't be alone though."
Logan inhaled shakily before looking up at Kendall. "I feel really bad for saying it, but I'm really excited."
"You should be, you deserve to go. You've worked hard enough for it."
"I'll still need to tell James and Carlos. And your mom. And then we'll have a meeting with Gustavo and he'll blow up because he'll lose his biggest project. Fuck, this is a bad idea-"
Kendall kissed Logan then, moving his lips along Logan's until he felt him relax. "Don't worry about it," He soothed, kissing along Logan's cheek. "Everyone will support you."
"But it will change everything."
"Yes," Kendall agreed. "But I once made a decision that changed everything and I'm pretty sure that only made everyone's lives better. What's to say we don't need the same nudge this time?"
Logan stared at him and Kendall smiled softly. "Ultimately it's up to you, but I think you're doing the right thing."
"Okay," Logan agreed, sounding a lot more secure. "Okay. I'm going to college."
"I'm proud of you."
"Really?"
"Yes, baby. Really, fucking proud."
Logan kissed him then, sliding his arms around Kendall's neck and turning a bit to straddle him. "You're amazing," He whispered.
Kendall smiled into their kiss and folded his hands around his hips to keep him close. "You'll do amazing."
"What will you do?" Logan asked him, playing with the hair in his neck.
He considered what he told Carlos the day before. Logan didn't know about his idea to move in together yet and actually suggesting it was nerve wracking. "I was actually hoping we could find a place together somewhere near campus," Kendall said carefully. "While I figure the hockey stuff out."
"Really?"
"I'd be lying if I said it wasn't also because we're dating, and if you want to we can get a two bedroom, but-"
Logan cut him off with a kiss. "I know why," He said softly, taking one of Kendall's cheeks in his hand. "And I'd love to live with you too."
The relief he felt was immense and Kendall captured Logan's lips, holding onto him tight as they kissed. The idea of living with Logan, finding an apartment and coming home to his love was wonderful. They could cook together and invite friends over and every night Logan would sleep in his arms in a bed they shared. The whole idea was perfect and just thinking about it made Kendall deliriously happy.
"What did I do to deserve you?" He whispered.
"You're sweet and thoughtful and you help me not freak out over silly things and you always make me feel good and-"
Kendall cut him off with another kiss when it was either that or tell him how much Kendall loved him; only Logan would answer a rhetorical question seriously.
Logan kissed him with the same urgency Kendall felt, pressing close to his body and sliding his hands up in his hair. "God, I missed you," Kendall whispered.
Logan nodded, gasping into Kendall's mouth when they rubbed together. It had been some time since the last time they were close. Kendall felt how much Logan wanted this too, so hard already and tugging onto Kendall's hair. "Kendall, I... just," Logan whispered, lips swollen and cheeks rosy when he pulled away.
"Anything, Logie. It's yours," Kendall told him, placing a hand on the small of his back. Logan arched into him and buried his face in Kendall's shoulder, his lips pressing to his skin anywhere he could reach. Kendall was reluctant to undress Logan in the cold, but his mind worked around the problem and he thought of something that required minimal clothes to be removed.
Kendall popped the button of Logan's jeans, sliding his hand into his briefs. Logan wrapped his arms around his neck when he took a hold of him, slowly stroking until he felt Logan harden completely. Kendall had a difficult time trying to ignore the soft moan Logan emitted when he pulled away, sliding both his arms around Logan's waist to flip him over.
He reconnected their lips, claiming his tongue while pushing Logan's jeans down enough to free him. "Shh," He murmured when Logan's breath hitched, softly kissing along his cheek.
Kendall had been dying to do this since he first kissed Logan. After brushing their lips together sweetly one more time, Kendall crawled down his body enough to take him into his mouth. Logan gasped and bucked up, so Kendall took hold of his hips to hold him down as he swallowed him down again. Kendall had a lot of one night stands, but this was something he didn't do often. He seemed to do well enough, Logan trembled in effort to keep his body down on the blanket and he had one of Kendall's hands in a death grip. It didn't take long for him to find a steady rhythm, spurred on by the noise Logan made.
"Kendall-" Logan gasped, digging his nails into his hands. Kendall appreciated the warning but didn't pull away, keeping his mouth on Logan when he came.
Kendall swallowed and pulled away, pulling Logan's briefs and jeans back up before dropping down on the blanket beside him. Logan was out of breath, staring up at the sky, but gladly sank into Kendall's arms when he was pulled into a hug. Kendall pressed his nose in Logan's hair and closed his eyes, ignoring his own arousal in favour of cuddling Logan close.
It took Logan a few minutes to recover, seeking out Kendall's lips when he did. Kendall smiled into the kiss and moved a hand to his cheek, pressing little kisses to his lips until Logan laughed and pushed his head back a bit. "You good?" Kendall asked him.
Logan nodded, his cheeks flushing. "Thank you."
Kendall kissed him softly. "My pleasure."
Logan stared at him, his eyes still dark, pupils wide and filled with wonder. Kendall softly caressed the soft skin under his eyes as he studied the person he'd fallen in love with so quickly. Clearly Logan didn't expect that answer.
When Logan recovered he resumed kissing Kendall, pressing his body up close to his. Kendall quickly felt himself harden again when his hands were back on Logan's skin, trailing his fingertips lightly along his side. A thigh brushed against him accidentally and Kendall groaned into Logan's mouth. "Um. Do you want me to..." Logan trailed off?
"Only if you want to," Kendall answered, tilting Logan's head until his lips reached the spot behind his ear. Kendall prayed to god that Logan wanted to.
Logan pushed him onto his back and straddled him, his eyes dark as he leaned in for another slow kiss while opening his jeans. His hands shook slightly and Kendall lifted his hips to help Logan tug his underwear down. The cold air hit him hard and Kendall barely kept himself from moaning in anticipation, instead he took Logan's face in his hands and brought him close for a sweet kiss. Kendall couldn't wait to feel Logan's mouth on him for the first time, but that was not more important than making him feel loved. Logan met his eyes and for a moment Kendall thought he might back out, the vulnerability in the brown orbs was so clear. "Only if you want to," Kendall repeated, feeling how important it was to repeat his earlier statement.
Logan smiled then, brushing their lips together briefly. "I want to," He whispered before sliding down and engulfing him completely.
Kendall grasped onto the blanket at the sensation, "Logan, fuck." Logan was doing wonderful things with his mouth and while Kendall had blowjobs before, he didn't remember them to feel anything like this. Logan's hand landed on his thigh as the other wrapped around the base of his dick and his tongue ran along the underside until he could wrap his lips back around the head. Kendall thought this was the best thing he had ever felt, until Logan started sucking.
Kendall groaned in pleasure and dug his nails in his own skin to avoid grabbing onto Logan's head, especially when he hit the back of Logan's throat and he still didn't stop. "Oh my-" He muttered, fighting his orgasm. Logan pulled away slowly and ran his tongue along the side of his dick, stroking him slowly when he started mouthing at his balls. Kendall's breathing was uneven and he knew he wouldn't last much longer and apparently Logan knew, because he moaned softly and the vibrations sent Kendall right up to the edge. Kendall ran a hand through Logan's hair and he licked back up, taking Kendall into his mouth again. He started bobbing his head and his tongue ran along Kendall's slit and Kendall finally looked down.
Kendall was met with wide, brown eyes and lips stretched around him; it was too much and Kendall closed his eyes when he came. His leg shook and he groaned loudly, but Logan didn't pull away and stroked him until he had nothing more to give. "Damn," He whispered, running a hand down his face. This was by far the best head he'd ever gotten and Kendall wasn't sure what to think of it. Logan was amazing and wonderful, but he didn't expect this.
It took a few minutes for Kendall to relax and register that Logan was still sitting between his legs after helping him pull his jeans back up. Kendall reached for him, gladly sliding his arms around Logan when he laid back in his arms. "Damn, Logie," He whispered, brushing his lips to his forehead.
"Good?"
"Fuck no. You're amazing and perfect and wonderful."
The blush on Logan's face was back and Kendall peppered little kisses along his cheeks and nose. Despite enjoying Logan's lesson, this was Kendall's favourite part of the night. The feeling of his love safe and warm and well in his arms was beyond anything he could describe and for the first time since James' news earlier Kendall felt relatively all right. Logan was curled up to his side, his face rosy and peaceful, and he was hopeful that they could work through whatever it was he went through.
"Hey, Logie?" He asked after they'd been silent for a good while.
"Yes?"
"What do you want to do after college?"
"How do you mean?"
"I mean in life. Obviously you'll be a doctor and be brilliant, but how do you plan to fill in the rest of your future?"
"Um. I haven't thought about it a whole lot, since the band was doing so well and I didn't know how long that would last," Logan admitted.
"And if you think about it now?"
"I hope I get to specialise in paediatrics, so I'll have somewhat regular hours."
"I can see you do that," Kendall answered. Logan was amazing with children, always making sure they paid attention to their littles fans.
"Yeah?"
Kendall nodded, brushing his lips to the top of Logan's head. "What else?"
"I like Los Angeles, but eventually I want to live somewhere with more trees."
Kendall smiled. That sounded good. "Do you want to travel?"
"Sure, at some point." Logan looked up at him curiously. "What's with the third degree?"
"Because I want to know."
"Yeah, but why?"
"I want to plan our future together."
Logan pulled his lip between his teeth, rendered speechless once again and staring up at him. "That can't be a surprise to you," Kendall laughed, freeing Logan's bottom lip with his thumb to kiss him.
"What do you want to do?" Logan asked when they pulled away.
"Ideally, succeed in hockey and play professionally for a few glorious years, then settle down and find a way to get a couple of kids and hopefully coach the peewee hockey team for the rest of my life."
"You want children?"
"Not anytime soon," Kendall answered, "I want to see the world and work on my career. But someday, definitely."
Logan smiled and kissed him again. "I do too."
"That's good," Kendall told him, rubbing their noses together.
"You really want to keep me around until then?"
"Logan, I'm in this for the rest of my life."
Kendall met Logan's lips halfway, curling his arms tightly around his waist when they kissed. It wasn't quite an 'I love you', but expressing this intention came close and Logan's reaction meant the world to him; Logan planned to stay with him too.
For the longest time they made out on their blanket under the stars, staying close and touching softly. Kendall wanted it all, those soft lips on his, Logan's hands on his skin, the way he kept trying to get closer and burrow into his body. Kendall felt complete when Logan was in his arms, peaceful and calm and insanely happy.
"We haven't done a whole lot of stargazing," Kendall murmured to Logan's lips when he finally managed to distance himself.
"I don't care. I just want you."
"You like me as much as stargazing? I think that's the greatest compliment I've ever received."
"I just meant we've done a lot of other fun stuff tonight."
Kendall grinned, thinking over their evening together. "That's true. I've been dying to go down on you."
"Really?"
"Fuck, yes. If it hadn't been for James that first night we would've had sex already."
If Kendall had taken a second longer to think he never would have spoken those words, no matter how true they were, and he watched in horror how Logan's eyes widened and his face grew ghostly white. He broke out of Kendall's hug and sat up, his face pressed into his hands.
Kendall's chest tightened painfully and all the anxiety he felt before their date returned with full force, because Kendall knew, he just knew, that this had everything to do with his conversation with James this morning.
Carefully, he moved closer and wrapped his arms around Logan, bringing him close again. Kendall's heart was beating in his throat; the last thing he wanted was to scare Logan further away. "I don't mind waiting," Kendall murmured, his lips brushing along Logan's temple as he spoke. "If you're worried about moving too fast."
Logan didn't answer. He was completely still and kept his head down, his fingers white where they dug into his legs. Kendall had never seen him so lost before and the pain of not knowing why or how to help him sliced through his heart. It took every ounce of self-control to suppress his own pain and concern; Logan needed him to be calm and collected and strong.
"If it's anything else," He said quietly, "Please, know that you can talk to me, but you don't have to until you're ready."
Kendall loathed making Logan that promise. He wished that Logan trusted him, for Logan to feel safe and secure enough to talk to him. Kendall wanted to share everything with Logan, every thought and every feeling and every dream, so they could go through life together. And more than anything, Kendall wished Logan felt the same way.
But Kendall also knew Logan. How much space he needed to think, how long it could take until he made a decision. Begrudgingly Kendall admitted that his mother was right about his tendency to be nosy and overly protective. His intentions might be good, but crowding Logan was counterproductive.
He needed to let it go until Logan was ready to let him in.
His heart sank and Kendall closed his eyes to keep his tears at bay, because that thought went against everything Kendall believed in. All he wanted was to help Logan, to see his love smile like earlier tonight, to be happily in love.
Slowly but steadily, Logan relaxed and curled close to him, hiding his face in the crook of Kendall's neck. Logan's hug made Kendall feel slightly better and he moved his hand up into his hair to keep him close. "I'm sorry," Logan whispered.
"No, don't be," Kendall answered softly. He pressed his nose to Logan's hair, the familiar smell helped him think. "You don't owe me an apology. You don't owe me anything."
Kendall stared out over the cliff as he tried to make sense of the day. He was drained by everything he learned and completely exhausted. "Will you teach me about stars some more?" Kendall asked Logan quietly, needing the distraction.
"If you want me to," Logan answered, his voice as shaky as Kendall felt.
Kendall nodded. "Can you do so from here? I'm not ready to let go of you yet."
Logan pulled away far enough to look up at him and Kendall almost broke when he saw how pale Logan still was. Instead of telling Logan how much it hurt him to see him in pain, Kendall cupped his cheek and kissed him. The brief contact helped, all he felt was Logan, but when he pulled away it was Kendall's turn to avoid meeting his eyes. He was sure that even Logan would recognise how sad he was.
Kendall laid back and pulled Logan to his side. "Tell me about Mercury," He requested, making sure to keep his voice even.
It took him a few moments but Logan eventually found the words and he continued where he left off, though there was nothing left of his enthusiasm. And much like earlier that night, Kendall failed to concentrate on Logan's lecture. The information he gathered today wasn't difficult to piece together. James dodged his questions when Kendall compared Lucy's behaviour to Logan's. To say that Beau mistreated her was an understatement and Kendall could only logically deduce that Logan went through something similar. That idea was further supported when Logan freaked out at the idea of having sex with him.
The concern he felt when he thought of Logan in a casual relationship was entirely justified.
Over time Logan started talking softer, with bigger intervals and when Kendall looked at him he smiled when he caught him yawning. "Let's go home," Kendall suggested.
They packed up their stuff and Logan leaned heavily into Kendall's body as they walked down the hill. "Thank you for tonight," Logan told him.
"We can go stargazing more often if you want to. I doubt you got to tell me all you know."
"Not all, but I came pretty close."
Kendall smiled and brushed his lips to Logan's temple. "We can probably find other subjects you can teach me."
"Only if we go skating again too."
"You have a deal."
They reached the car fairly quickly and after placing the bag and telescope in the trunk they went on their way back home. Logan turned the heater up and within a few minutes he fell asleep. Kendall was glad that Logan recovered enough to fall asleep so easily.
He wished he felt that light, as his heart was heavy.
I want to take another opportunity to thank each and everyone of you who read this, follows and reviews, it truly means the world to me. You are all such wonderful people and I hope everyone is safe during the pandemic.