Merry Christmas!
Gentle fingers combed through his hair and Logan startled awake. Kendall's hand moved down to his side and he looked up to meet his eyes. Logan didn't remember falling asleep. He also didn't remember cuddling up to Kendall in the living room surrounded by the other residents of 2J. Logan had long since given up on paying attention to the movie, but he was generally very careful about showing affection around Katie and Mrs. Knight.
Logan must have been even more exhausted than he realised.
Kendall smiled and held his eyes for a moment before subtly nudging his head towards their bedroom. Logan nodded and struggled to get off the couch. His friends weren't faring much better; Carlos' head had fallen back and he was snoring with his mouth wide open while James' head was lolling up and down in continuous effort to fight the sleep. This was one of those days they'd all questioned why they wanted to be a boyband in the first place.
Kendall quietly said goodnight to his mother and sister and Logan waved half-heartedly, unable to muster the energy for anything more. He went ahead to their room and sat on Kendall's bed. Logan hadn't slept a single night in his own bed since they started dating and conveniently, it was also closest to the door. His whole body ached. Logan's arms and legs were permanently strained after all the dance rehearsal. They had done so much vocal exercises that his throat was dry even after a gallon of water. On top of his physical ailments, Logan hadn't been able to spend any time on his extracurriculars and his biology class had taken a serious hit.
Logan seriously doubted the Tween Choice Awards were worth all he was giving up.
Time alone with Kendall being by far the worst sacrifice.
For a few minutes Logan sat on the bed unmoving, listening to Kendall quietly moving around the room. He only looked up when long fingers curled around his hands to pull him up. Logan pressed his cheek to Kendall's pyjama covered chest, not even trying to fight the exhaustion.
"Two more days," Kendall whispered in his ear after indulging him in this hug for a while. His lips brushed his skin and Logan smiled in spite of everything else. That felt nice.
"Two more days," He repeated. His voice sounded strained due to his hoarse throat. It was beyond him why Gustavo thought it was a good idea to work them to the bone the last day before such a big performance.
Mercifully, Gustavo granted them a few hours of down time in the morning before the TCAs. Logan intended to spend it sleeping in, preferably with Kendall beside him. From previous experience with performing at the TCAs Logan knew the twenty four hours that followed were pure hell. Seemingly endless grooming sessions, the waiting around backstage until their performance began, putting up the show, going through more grooming, the formal afterparty for the labels benefit and finally, the informal afterparty.
That last one was all James. Logan figured that by tomorrow night he'd either strangle his friend for putting him through an introvert's nightmare or collapse as soon as he walked through the door.
And if James didn't use the opportunity to get together with Lucy after everything he put them through Logan might actually strangle him.
Then Friday morning the guys were expected back at Rocque Records for evaluation and a PR meeting. Even after interrogating Kelly extensively, Logan still didn't get a good answer as to why they had to have those appointments the day after the TCAs.
Thankfully, Saturday marked the first day of their much deserved, weeklong, vacation.
"I can't wait to be away from the studio," Logan sighed. He pulled away just enough to meet Kendall's eyes. "I'm sorry, it's so ungrateful, but I-"
"You don't sound ungrateful," Kendall told him, sliding a hand up to cup his cheek. "Just... done."
Logan stared in the soft green eyes he'd grown so attached to before nodding slightly.
After vocalising his intention to go to college, everything to do with being in BTR became a struggle. Logan made sure never to show it around Carlos or James or Gustavo or Kelly, because every single one of them deserved his full commitment to the band, but he was counting down the days and ticking off events, praying for tour to come sooner rather than later. However, the days dragged on agonisingly slowly and Logan had more and more difficulty bringing up the motivation to do well.
Kendall saw right through him and didn't allow him to bottle this up. Normally Logan would be reluctant to talk about such selfish thoughts, but this time he was grateful. Even though he knew Kendall's motivation was selfish too: he wanted to be sure Logan wasn't hiding anything else from him.
Logan curled his arms around Kendall's neck. "Done," He repeated quietly.
"I'm tired of it too," Kendall confessed.
"Really?"
"Yeah," He sighed. His eyes raked over Logan's face while he collected his thoughts. "Four years in there is no more excitement in performing."
"You hide it well," Logan commented, playing with the hair in Kendall's neck.
A smile graced Kendall's face and for the first time in a week Logan saw a hint of his usual vivacity. "I get through rehearsal by thinking of all the time I get to spend with you next week."
Logan's cheeks flushed and he perched up on the tips of his toes to kiss Kendall. For two weeks stealing private moments to be close to Kendall were almost impossible. After spending twelve hours a day in the studio, neither of them was particularly interested in making out, let alone anything beyond that. Logan missed it nonetheless.
The kiss was deep and soft.
And short.
Logan had a hard time hiding his disappointment when Kendall straightened up and moved his lips to his forehead. This was another painful reminder that Logan may have irreparably broken the trust between them. Two weeks didn't just mark the time since they started extensive training for the TCAs. It was also the amount of time passed since their last date.
That night was possibly the best of Logan's life -perhaps apart from their first date. Logan loved stargazing and the fact that Kendall had suggested it and taken him to such an amazing place meant the world to him. He had butterflies in his stomach the day leading up to it and everything had been perfect; their little picnic, Kendall's hands on his body at every opportunity, hearing about his plans for the future and how he'd planned for the two of them to be together forever. Logan could still hardly believe his luck to be dating a guy like Kendall. The date came straight from Logan's sweetest dream.
Up until the moment he completely ruined it.
Since they started dating Logan had a million opportunities to tell Kendall about Julian. Instead, Logan had kept on putting it off until it blew up in his face. Kendall knew something was up, he knew Logan was hiding from him, keeping secrets. And even though Kendall had accepted that so graciously, so considerately, and offered Logan all the time he needed to gather his thoughts, Logan knew that was the worst possible thing to agree to.
Kendall's offer was a trap. Not one Kendall set for Logan, but a trap Logan set for himself. He knew himself well enough to know he'd use Kendall's generosity to never talk about Julian again. Logan would keep postponing and procrastinating until the distance he caused between them was too big to bridge.
And Logan would lose Kendall.
The signs were already there. Over the last two weeks Kendall had grown quiet and distant. When someone asked him about it, which happened almost daily since this was such unusual behaviour for him, Kendall would shake it off and return to his normal, confident and charming self. That would last a few hours before he started brooding again. Kendall watched Logan a lot, his eyes followed him around rooms and they trained on him as soon as Logan came back to him, as if he had been staring at the door Logan left through until he returned.
Logan had worked up the nerve to ask him about his pensiveness twice. The first time was a couple days after they went stargazing, when Logan had first noticed something changed, but Kendall had assured him he had nothing to worry about and spend the rest of the night softly scratching his head until Logan fell asleep with his head on his shoulder. The second time Logan asked, Kendall had just messed up the choreo for the third time and snapped at Carlos for getting in his way. Logan took him apart on their break and Kendall had apologised before he could even get the question out, hugging Logan close and murmuring about how exhausting preparing for the TCAs was.
Since Kendall was so adamant to be near him and still touched Logan a lot, it took him a while to notice that Kendall stopped kissing him. He always returned Logan's kisses, never once avoiding them, but Kendall stopped initiating.
It terrified Logan to his very core.
Logan looked up when Kendall took the hem of his shirt and tugged it over his head. He had pyjamas ready and Logan moved with him automatically while trying to ban the anxious thoughts from his mind. "This isn't mine," Logan murmured dazedly when Kendall helped him get in the pants. The fabric felt soft and big and Logan was pretty sure he didn't own midnight blue pyjamas with matching plaid sweats.
"These are mine," Kendall confirmed quietly. He laid back on the bed and pulled Logan in next to him, firm arms curling around his waist to keep him close.
Logan briefly rubbed his cheek to Kendall's chest before pressing his ear over his heart. "Why?" He asked after swallowing the lump in his throat.
"I want to know what it feels like to see you in my stuff," Kendall murmured, sliding his arms around Logan's waist. "I miss spending time with you and this eases the jealousy I feel."
Logan closed his eyes in order to fight the tears and to hide his grief. "They're comfortable," He managed to say without his voice breaking. Logan dearly wished he could enjoy these moments like a regular person. He wanted to reply with sweet, meaningful words of his own, or climb over Kendall and kiss him senseless.
Instead Logan wondered how long he'd still be privileged enough to hear Kendall say those lovely things.
"Do you want to go out with me on Sunday?"
"Yes." Yes, so very much.
"We can go back to the waterfall?" Kendall proposed. "It's supposed to be a warm day, we can go early and spend the entire day there."
Logan would have agreed to spend an entire day at a garbage belt if he could do so with Kendall. "That sounds amazing."
"Two more days," Kendall sighed. "I think I'll spend the entire Saturday sleeping."
"Sounds like a plan."
"You wanna stay with me?" Logan's heart fluttered when he heard the smile in Kendall's voice.
"Hanging out with you in bed is what I'd like to do on most days," He admitted.
Logan lifted his head when Kendall squeezed him closely and saw some of the light had returned to his eyes. Kendall smiled and slowly moved a hand along his body until it reached his cheek. "I can't wait," Kendall told him, running his thumb below Logan's eye.
He knew that when it came down to it they both had too much energy to spend an entire day in bed, but even a long morning would put Logan on cloud nine. Logan intended to spend most of their vacation with Kendall anyway, but to put these very concrete plans in place helped him believe he may still be able to safe their relationship. He closed his eyes and leaned into Kendall's hand, trying to focus on just this moment. Logan wanted to see Kendall smile some more, gather a few more happy memories of them together before Logan screwed up even further.
For now keeping him talking felt like the best course of action. "Is everything ready for the move?"
Kendall hummed. "Mom gets the key on Tomorrow, but most of the furniture won't be delivered until Tuesday. Katie is really excited about finally having clean places to sit."
"Carlos does leave a lot of crumbs and inexplicable stickiness."
"We're so not getting the security deposit back for this place."
Logan shrugged. He hadn't checked his bank account in a while, but he was positive a few hundred dollars more or less weren't going to make much of a difference. "Still, the apartment looks better than when we moved in."
The grin on Kendall's face was the best thing Logan had seen all day. "Installing the Ultimate teen hang-out here may have been my best plan ever."
"We did so much illegal stuff that day, I lost count."
Kendall shrugged, still completely unconcerned. "I knew Gustavo would make it go away."
Logan shook his head at his nonchalance, but kept himself from the lecture. "When are they moving out?"
"Mom invited a bunch of kids from the Palm Woods to camp out there tomorrow night during the party. I assume to keep Katie out of trouble, but she's annoyed being treated like a ten year old." Kendall was very amused by the situation and Logan imagined he was glad his baby sister wouldn't be at adult parties just yet. "The plan is to move them out permanently on Wednesday, so I won't be around a lot of while I help them set up."
Logan shook his head. "I'm helping out too."
"You don't have to. We so rarely get vacations, you should use the time off to relax."
"I want to. Your mother has been so kind to me, it's the least I can do. I wouldn't know how to fill all that free time anyway."
Kendall smiled at him and ran his fingers down to Logan's jaw. "Alright."
Logan hesitated a second before he spoke. "Are you okay? With the move?"
"I'm fine, Logie," He answered. "Mom and Katie love us, but they deserve a place of their own. I'll still see them all the time. And it will be fun to live without a parent present."
"I expect chaos for at least three weeks."
"James called dibs on the master bedroom the other day."
"Alright."
"You don't want it?"
Logan shrugged. "I like our room. And when he has his own bathroom ours will finally stop smelling like 'cuda."
"You want to keep sharing with me?"
"Yes," He answered, slightly confused until he realised Kendall might not want to share a room with him anymore. "Unless you want me out, then I guess I'll take Katie's-"
"No," Kendall cut him off. "I want you to stay."
They stared at each other. Normally this would be a joyful moment, with one or both of them going in for a kiss that would lead to more. But this time Logan's heart was hammering as he tried to get over the scare.
If Logan hadn't been watching so closely he would have missed the sadness in Kendall's eyes before he managed to smile. "When mom moves out when can push our beds together."
"Pretty sure your mom knows we're sleeping together even with our beds apart." Kendall averted his eyes and Logan mentally kicked himself for his choice of words. "I mean-"
Kendall cut him off. "I know."
"I'm sorry," Logan whispered. He wasn't sure what he was apologising for, but he knew how meaningless it was after everything he put Kendall through.
"Don't be. It's okay. I told you to only talk when you're ready."
His voice sounded far away and stand-offish and Logan's chest constricted painfully. Kendall was never distant, not with anyone, and definitely not with him. Logan hated it that this was what he'd forced Kendall into.
If he was even a slightly bit braver, if he could just muster the tiniest amount of courage, he might be able to tell Kendall and salvage their relationship. Logan didn't want to lose Kendall, the thought alone was enough to throw him into a full blown panic attack. The prospect of confessing the most humiliating thing that ever happened to him terrified him, but it was nothing compared to the cold that came over him when he imagined not being with Kendall anymore. Losing him wasn't an option.
However, the longer Logan thought about it, the more he feared that telling Kendall might lead to the same conclusion. Logan was such a huge loser. For falling for Julian's tactics, for being humiliated like he was, for letting it affect him still. He wasn't strong, or fierce, or brave. Logan was pathetic and broken and ill-equipped for a normal, happy relationship and Kendall should be running from him at full speed.
Logan looked down and squeezed his eyes shut in effort to ban those thoughts and moved his head to place his ear over Kendall's heart. This was all he wanted. It didn't feel like a whole lot to ask for. Why was his own stupid mistake making it so hard to hold on to?
Kendall reached down and covered them with the duvet before sliding his arms back around Logan's body. "I'm worried about you," He whispered, his lips brushed along Logan's forehead as he talked. "I don't understand what's going on and it's throwing me off, but you shouldn't worry about that. I just need to get used to the fact I can't control everything in my life. And maybe a few days to catch up on sleep."
Logan dug his nails in his palms hard enough to draw blood, but it served its purpose and kept him from bursting into tears. Kendall didn't deserve this. "I'm sorry," Logan repeated, uncapable of speaking the words he actually needed to.
"It's okay," Kendall soothed. "We're okay."
It wasn't okay. Nothing about this was okay. But maybe Logan knew a way to pretend it was. At least for a little while. "Kendall?"
"Hm?"
"Kiss me?"
Nothing happened for a few seconds and Logan feared he'd crossed the new boundary he didn't know the rules of yet, but then Kendall pulled him up and the next moment his lips found Logan's. Blissful thoughtlessness settled in quickly and he curled his arms around Kendall's neck to keep him close. But this time Kendall made no move pull away and Logan was forever thankful for whatever put a stop to his inhibitions. Logan drowned himself in everything Kendall, his warmth and his hands and the softness in his kiss.
Neither of them pulled away until they were too tired to continue and when Logan finally fell asleep, he felt more at peace than he had in days.
"Hey."
Logan looked up when James walked into his dressing room. He was the first to get out of make-up and he just settled on the couch with the book to wait until the other guys finished. "Hey. You ready?"
"Sure. It would be weird if I wasn't after all that time in the studio. I love you, but I can't stand to look at your faces after today."
Logan decided to sidestep the insult. "I meant for tonight, actually. Ready to woo Lucy?"
"Oh! Yeah, I think so."
"Good."
"I mean, we hung out every day since she got here and she isn't tired of me yet, so I guess I have a chance."
"So what's the plan? Roses? Getting down on one knee? Singing her a song? Please, tell you won't use the frisbee."
"No. I have something classy planned. And before you ask; no, I'm not telling you."
"Why not? I keep all your secrets!"
James rolled his eyes. "Yeah, for all of three seconds. You pass everything on to Kendall. Even before you were dating you gossiped like old ladies."
"Not everything," Logan muttered indignantly, but as he said it he realised that James was completely right.
"Now that we're talking about talking to Kendall," James said, suddenly stern. Weren't supposed to tell Kendall about Julian? Like, last year?"
Logan shrunk in on himself. "I know."
"Dude," James groaned. "What the hell?"
"I know," He repeated. "I know how stupid it is. I'm so sorry, I never meant to put you in the middle of this."
James looked at him like he'd sprouted a second head. "I don't care I'm in the middle of this! I'm fucking glad I was there when that fucker wanted to assault you."
He flinched at James' choice of words. Logan never let himself think of it that way.
"Don't feel bad for putting me in the middle, just feel bad for not including Kendall."
"I do," Logan whispered.
"What the hell happened anyway? One day you're all lovey dovey and the next Kendall follows you around like a watchdog."
Logan closed his eyes and contemplated brushing James off with some story, but Logan didn't have the energy to lie anymore. "I freaked when he brought up having sex."
"God, Logan."
"I messed up so bad," He whispered. Logan pulled up his legs and rested his chin on his knees.
James caught himself just before he ran a hand through his perfectly styled hair and instead set it on the back of his neck. "You should have told him when you started dating, but that would have been another perfect opening."
Logan knew that James was only trying to help with his suggestions, but he knew he'd never would've been capable of talking to Kendall in that moment. He'd barely avoided the panic attack as it was.
"You can't go on like this."
"I know."
"Then fucking do something about it!" James snapped. "Do you remember what we talked about when I was covering up the lovely little hickeys he left all over you? Kendall is in love-"
"No, he-"
"Don't," James warned him. "Don't deny it. I know you're completely dense when it comes to feelings, but even you can't be this oblivious. Kendall is head over heels in love with you and you're tearing out his heart keeping this from him."
"I will tell him, I've already decided that, but-"
"No more buts!"
"James! Will you just listen to me?"
Stubbornly he crossed his arms and leaned back against the wall.
"The last thing I want to do is keep this from Kendall. I want to finally get it over with and leave it behind us. I want to finally have a normal relationship. You think I like seeing him like this? I want him to be happy." I want him to be happy with me.
Logan angrily brushed the tears away. "Every time I try to tell him my heart starts racing and my throat closes up. I keep trying but I can't get the words out."
James scoffed. "Sure."
He was only momentarily taken aback. "What?"
"You haven't had a panic attack in years! It's just a convenient excuse for you not to talk about it."
"You think I'm lying?" Logan asked in utter disbelieve. "Did you even listen to me? Why the hell would I make this up?!"
"I don't know! I don't understand a single thing of what's going on here! It is not this difficult to talk to your boyfriend about something that happened months ago."
"You have no idea what it was like!" Logan yelled at him as he got up and started pacing. "You have never been through something so painfully humiliating in your life! I let it happen! I knew what was going on and still I sought him out again and again, hoping for those nights I'd get a tiny bit of affection in return."
Logan took a moment to regain his breath and wipe the tears of his face. "I am terrified to talk to Kendall, because for the first time someone treats me feel like a human being after anything sexual. Kendall is so good to me, so much more than I deserve. I don't want to believe Kendall is in love with me, I am not worthy of that. And once I tell him..." Logan paused when his lip started trembling. "And once I tell him he won't ever see me the same way and I'll lose him. I'll be the stupid whore who believed the player's empty promises."
"You're not a whore," James told him firmly. "And Kendall isn't going to think so either."
"I'll think it," Logan whispered. "He deserves better. And as long as I keep this to myself I can at least pretend to be normal."
"So that's the plan? Keep on hiding this from Kendall?" James shook his head. "It doesn't matter what you think he deserves. Kendall wants you."
Logan shook his head.
"You think he'll just let you go? We both know him better than that. This will blow up in both your faces if you let it go on any longer. You need to make a decision; tell Kendall and salvage your relationship or don't tell him and break up with him."
"What?" He asked breathlessly.
"You can't string him along, Logan!" James sighed. "He already knows you're hiding something, not telling him-"
"Wow. No. Hold on," Logan interrupted. "How does he know that?"
"How does he know what?"
"How does Kendall know I'm keeping secrets from him?"
"Because you freaked out about having sex."
"No, no. For all Kendall knows I could just be a prude about sex."
James didn't answer him and Logan's mind was racing through his memories of that night. Kendall's response to his freak out had been so controlled, so poised, as if he'd seen it coming. "He already knew I was hiding something," Logan whispered. "What did you tell him?"
"Nothing, alright?" James answered irritated. "Kendall came to talk to me about me skipping on group outings and at some point you came up."
"How?!"
"None of your business. Kendall connected a couple dots and yelled at me for a bit when I wouldn't tell him about Julian, but he knows nothing specific."
Logan buried his hands in his hair. "What does he know?"
"That your behaviour in your relationship is due to some trauma in the past. You know, the clinginess, shielding your emotions, not talking about important stuff."
His heart sank into his stomach when the pieces in his head clicked. Kendall's actions made sense now; how he was always watching Logan, his desire to keep him close. Kendall's sudden reluctance to initiate intimacy wasn't because he was disappointed in Logan for keeping secrets, he was trying to give him space. "How do you even know all of that?" Logan asked.
James sighed. "Kendall asked about my progress with Lucy and I told him about some of the things she did and said that I thought were strange."
He paused and it dawned on Logan what he was trying to say. "Kendall recognised my behaviour in Lucy's?"
Logan didn't need to see James nod. This was much more messed up then Logan could have imagined. Kendall was the furthest thing from stupid, of course he pieced the whole thing together the moment James started talking, all James had to do was confirm that Logan was keeping secrets.
"Look, I didn't mean for him to find out about Julian, but he obviously already suspected something was up! And we had a deal Logan, you promised me you'd tell him!"
"I never meant to let it come to this!"
"I have been really fucking patient with you. I even offered to be there when you told him. Don't you see how messed up this is?! How can you do this when you know you're breaking his heart?"
James' accusation had Logan sick to his stomach and his lungs started filling with ice. "Why do you care so much?"
James stared at him. "I owe everything to Kendall. I know you and Carlos also sacrificed a whole lot to come to LA, but it never would have happened without him. The least I can do after he made my dreams come true is make sure he doesn't get his heart broken."
His breath sped up while James talked and Logan had a hard time getting enough oxygen. James was right to protect Kendall from him. Just six weeks into their relationship Logan already managed to fuck it up beyond repair.
James' next words were possibly even more devastating. "You're my best friend, but I'm not sure if I can forgive you if you hurt him."
"I didn't mean to." Logan had to force the words out of his mouth.
"Then fucking talk to him!" James exploded. In one long stride he was in front of Logan. James was looming over him dangerously and he balled his hands to keep them from shaking. "You know what he said to me that day? 'Logan doesn't talk to me, I have to drag everything out of him.' How do you think that made me feel, huh?"
"I'm sorry. James, I-" Logan squeezed his eyes shut to try to get rid of the black spots dancing over James' face. This couldn't be happening now, they had to perform in an hour.
"You claim that Kendall has been the best thing that ever happened to you, so what the hell has gotten into you to treat him like this? I've known you practically my whole life and I know your brain is wired differently, but god, you're practically torturing him!"
James kept yelling at him, his face so close that Logan felt his spit land on his cheek. Logan stopped registering what he said as he fought the panic attack. The cold sweat on his back and his shaky knees were nothing compared to the vertigo. The black and red spots made him nauseous and the ice had consumed most of his lungs, making breathing almost impossible.
"- can't fucking believe you would throw away something you claim is so important to you. What do you think happens when you break up? You live together, you work together, Kendall has been you best friend for sixteen years-"
There was no stopping the panic attack this time, Logan realised as piercing ringing filled his ears. He fought to breathe and shortly after his body was too heavy and Logan sank through his legs. Logan felt a vague sting in his left wrist, but he was too preoccupied trying to remain conscious to deal with pain. He was petrified and alone and more voices popped up in his head, all of them screaming at him that he would lose Kendall, how badly he screwed up, that he didn't deserve another chance and Logan should just leave these people in peace, to no longer burden them with his idiocy.
Far, far away he registered someone grabbing him, talking to him and then a loud bang and more voices. Logan clawed at anything he could reach, trying to find something, anything to pull him out of the freezing fog so he could breathe.
Different, gentler hands folded around his and helped him sit up. Logan was engulfed in warmth and the ice in his lungs began to melt, finally allowing air in. The new person talked to him calmly and Logan focused on the deep, soothing sound. "-breathe, Logie. It's okay. I've got you."
Kendall
Slowly he regained control over his air flow and the ringing in his ears disappeared. Logan registered other people speaking, James and Carlos in frantic, frustrated tones. Kendall was sitting on the floor next to him, holding him close with firm arms around his body. Logan felt his chest rise and fall with each breath he took and he focused on matching it.
"I didn't know he had a panic attack until he fell. Logan hasn't had one in ages," James said worriedly.
"Why did he have one now?" Carlos asked him.
Logan opened his eyes in time to see James hesitate. "We were fighting."
"Dude, we need to be on stage-"
Kendall cut Carlos off. "What did you fight about?"
Stoic stubbornness came over James' face. "You."
Logan felt Kendall tense up. The anger came off him in waves. "I don't need you to fight on my behalf."
"Two weeks ago all you wanted was to get him talking."
"And you think this is what I wanted you to do?" Kendall snapped as he tightened his hold on Logan. "He's barely breathing, James!"
"This is between Logan and me-"
"No. Not anymore. Stay the fuck out of my relationship."
James stared at Kendall with a mixture of fury and frustration. "Fine."
"I'll let you know when I need your help."
"No, don't bother. I'm out. Don't come crying to me when this blows up in your face." He stormed out of the room, slamming the door so hard Carlos flinched.
Kendall sighed and let go of Logan to get up, then took his hands to pull him up on the couch before turning to Carlos. "Don't worry about it," Kendall told him. "I'll talk to him later. Can you get Logan a bottle of water?"
Carlos looked completely lost, but he seemed happy to be of help and left the room too.
For a few seconds Kendall stood in the middle of the room and stared at the wall, his hands curling into fists and flexing again, as if he couldn't decide how to handle this. Logan held his breath when Kendall turned to him, but his eyes were soft and the only emotion on his face was concern. "Are you okay?"
Logan nodded. "I'm sorry."
Kendall smiled sadly and sat next to him on the couch, taking Logan back in his arms. "You didn't decide to have a panic attack."
As the last remnants of his panic attack ebbed away Logan was left with only shame and guilt. James meant to make his friends happy and both him and Kendall just told him his help wasn't appreciated. This was all Logan's fault, he put both James and Kendall in impossible positions and poor Carlos just got caught up in it too. The grave Logan was digging for himself just got even deeper.
Logan crawled into Kendall's lap and curled his arms tight around his neck, trying and failing to keep his tears at bay this time around. "I'm sorry," He repeated. "This was all my fault. And now J-James is mad at you too and we have to be on stage in an hour-"
"Hey, stop," Kendall said softly. "Everyone will understand if you can't perform today. You're still barely breathing properly-"
"I can," Logan insisted. He didn't want to let his friends down any more than he already had today. "I want to."
Kendall started running his fingers along his spine and didn't answer right away. "I'm asking again in thirty minutes," He announced. "Promise you'll be honest? It's not a good idea to get on a stage when you don't feel well."
Logan nodded.
"James will come around too, Logie," Kendall told him. "He's always stressed before a show, add his nerves due to the whole Lucy thing and he was bound to snap."
He wished Kendall was right, but after everything James yelled at him Logan doubted it.
"You don't have to tell me what you're fighting about," Kendall murmured. "But whatever it is, nothing is worth putting yourself through so much stress you start having panic attacks over it."
Logan considered losing Kendall a serious enough problem to have panic attacks over. "What if it is?"
Kendall took his face in his hands to make Logan meet his eyes. He could hardly take the concerned pity in Kendall's usually bright, laughing eyes. "Then we'll find a way to work through it," He said quietly, gently rubbing the tears off his cheeks.
How Logan got to be lucky enough to land a guy like Kendall was beyond him, but he must also have some wires lose in his head to want to be with Logan. Stupidly confident, valiant, kind Kendall who had seemingly endless patience for all Logan's flaws and insecurities. Kendall, who knew him so thoroughly and was infinitely considerate and kept telling Logan he was his favourite person in the world.
Logan didn't deserve any of it.
That realisation hit him hard. This was the feeling Logan had been pushing away, stuffing it in the deepest parts of his brain in order to ignore it. Everything boiled down to that simple sentence.
Logan didn't deserve Kendall.
He never had, not even before the disaster with Julian. Logan was the small, studious tag-along, the friend they kept around for those occasion they needed his brain. He wasn't much good for much else; he was an average hockey player, an average singer, a bad dancer. Logan wasn't funny or good looking or popular; he barely managed regular human interactions.
Kendall deserved better, he deserved someone as special and amazing as he was.
Logan was far from amazing and he was special only in the sense that he was a special kind of screwed up.
"Logan?"
His eyes needed a moment to refocus and meet Kendall's. Logan's heart shattered into a million little pieces when he saw the tears in the lovely eyes he fell so hard for. Kendall never cried. "I'm sorry," He breathed, clenching his hands in his shirt. "Kendall, I'm s-so sorry."
Kendall closed his eyes and placed his forehead to Logan's. "How can I help you?"
The shards in his chest sliced up his insides even further. Kendall was much more worried about him than himself, even after Logan kept hurting him in the worst way possible. "I just want you," Logan whispered before he could stop himself.
"Okay," Kendall agreed readily.
"Really?"
"You are my favourite person in the world," He murmured. "You get all of me."
Logan curled his arms around Kendall's neck tight and pressed to his chest as close as he could. Kendall held onto him tightly and buried his face in the crook of Logan's neck. In that moment Logan could almost pretend that everything between them was alright. "Kiss me?" He whispered when he realised what was missing. "Please, Kendall?"
Kendall complied swiftly, easily, and kissed him hard. And much like yesterday, Logan sank into blissful emptiness only Kendall could bring.
Logan smiled weakly when he handed Carlos beer from the huge stash and shrank back in his corner below the desk. Bitters had agreed to let them use the lobby for their after party -Logan didn't want to know more about how they got him to agree, but he suspected a ridiculous amount of bribe money was involved. Logan's hope for it to be a small affair went out the window when he saw James' guest list. And as the night went on lot of other residents of the Palm Woods showed up for it.
Their act at the TCAs went reasonably well. The guys didn't make any major mistakes and Lucy was phenomenal, so Logan hoped Gustavo was pleased. The whole day James did everything to avoid them, aside from those moments where he had to, like on stage. Carlos didn't know what to do with himself and tried to act normal while Kendall stuck to Logan's side. If Lucy had picked up on the tension, she never showed it and remained professional until she left for her dressing room. Logan hadn't seen her since either.
He was worried that he had ruined yet another thing in James' life. After everything Logan put him through he should at least get the girl tonight.
Carefully he glanced over the desk to check if Kendall was still emerged in conversation with Stephanie and Camille. All through the afterparty at Galen Centre Kendall had followed him around, watching Logan like he might spontaneously combust any second. Logan knew he was worried and he loved having Kendall near him, but he felt terrible that he was missing out on the party by designating himself to watch over him. Soon after they arrived at the Palm Woods Logan solved the situation by excusing himself to the bathroom. Instead of going there, he took a little detour around the lobby and ducked beneath the counter. Logan had been hiding out there for the last twenty minutes.
Partying was far from his favourite pastime and he wanted Kendall to have a good time. Kendall would have more fun without Logan distracting him.
Logan managed to occupy himself with a new sci-fi novel he downloaded on his phone. It worked for a while, he was exhausted enough to let the book distract him, but eventually his mind drifted back to that afternoon.
Logan didn't know how he managed to keep it together still, but somehow he did. Kendall stayed with him in the dressing room up until they had to perform. Even though he very clearly wanted to, Kendall didn't ask him what was going on. While Logan appreciated it in the moment - the last thing he wanted was to have a crucial, potentially relationship ruining conversation before a show - it was extremely out of character for Kendall to be so indifferent.
He knew Kendall was doing it for him but all he achieved was to make Logan feel even guiltier. Kendall shouldn't need to change who he was for anyone, definitely not his boyfriend.
Mentally, Logan tallied yet another reason why Kendall shouldn't be with him.
"Hi, Logan."
It took him a beat to recognise the person talking to him. "Hi, uh, Lucy."
"What are you doing under a desk?"
Logan shrugged. "Kinda met my tax for human interaction for the day."
"Fair enough."
Lucy glanced into the lobby before sinking onto the floor next to him and grabbed his bottle. Logan watched with renewed interest how she downed the other half. "You okay?" He asked.
"Sure."
Logan pulled two more beers from their stash and handed one to her. They sat in silence for a while and Logan's mind drifted back to everything he learned that afternoon. Logan didn't know the full story of what happened between Beau and Lucy, but he probably had enough experience of his own to empathise.
"I'm hiding from Kendall," Logan admitted, staring stubbornly down at his bottle.
"I figured," She sighed.
"Are you hiding from James?"
"Oh, yes. Definitely."
Logan paused for a moment. "You don't have to, he'll back off if you tell him to."
"I don't want him to back off," Lucy sighed.
It was a weight off his shoulders to know that Lucy liked James too and didn't intent on dumping him after tonight. "James will be very happy to hear that."
Lucy remained quiet. She was fidgeting with a mop of mousy coloured hair Logan suddenly recognised as the wig she wore when her parents came to visit. Logan was exhausted and a little tipsy and still preoccupied trying to grasp just how badly he fucked up his relationship, but even at his best Logan wasn't good with girls. Lucy must know that about him too, they had been friends for nearly two years, so he didn't have the slightest idea what Lucy wanted from him.
Logan didn't know what made him do it; the alcohol, the fragile state he was in or his desire to do something right today, but the words spilled from his mouth before he had a chance to stop them. "When James has his mind set to something, he stops at nothing to make it happen," Logan started quietly. "I haven't seen him work on anything as hard as he's trying to win you over. And I'm including Big Time Rush."
"I know," Lucy sighed. "James is amazing and I really, really like him."
"... but?" Logan asked gently.
"But I am not low maintenance, Logan," She elaborated. "James is used to hopping around from girl to girl and having fun, but I don't want something superficial, not after Beau. And I don't want to start dating only to find out he can't deal with it. We talk a lot and I've tried to explain it to him, but I'm not sure if he understands what he's in for."
Logan closed his eyes. "James knows what he is in for."
"Look, it's really sweet you're sticking up for your friend-"
"James understands what you went through, because he helped me get out of a similar situation."
Lucy fell silent and Logan could hear the blood pumping in his ears. His heart was racing again, but he felt more collected than he had in days.
"I am not trying to talk my friend up, even though he deserves it after everything he's done to show you how much he likes you. I know that he can handle anything you throw at him. Frankly, you're not going to find a better guy in the Western Hemisphere."
Logan looked up when Lucy leaned into him and took his hand. "I'm sorry you went through that," She told him quietly.
"I'm sorry you went through it too."
"What happened?"
The words came so easily as he recounted the brief version of his relationship with Julian and James' part in it. Logan kept the part that concerned Kendall and him to himself. The point was to convince Lucy dating James was a good idea, sharing how badly he was handling his own past trauma in his own relationship wouldn't help his case.
"James won't hurt you," Logan concluded. "He understands what you've been through better than most people will and when you're honest with him I know he'll be the sweetest, most persistent guy you've ever been with. You won't make a mistake dating him."
Lucy laughed. "I'm gonna, I think. Thank you for telling me, that helped."
"Good."
"So what was James' plan for tonight?"
"I don't know," Logan answered truthfully. "He refused to tell me."
"Oh, well." Lucy shrugged. She reached into the drawer and pulled out scissors. Logan watched with growing confusion as she cut a few strands from the wig. "I'm gonna ask him out first. James probably has some adorable, public thing planned, but I have to protect the rock chick rep, you know?"
"Alright," Logan laughed.
Lucy took the locks of hair she needed and sat up, popping the top buttons of her dress. "Too much?" She asked him.
Logan didn't give anything for the amount of cleavage she showed and shrugged. "I'm really not the person to ask."
"Gay. Right. Wish me luck!"
Lucy stood up and walked off. Logan hoped to see the moment when James got everything he worked so hard for the last few months and got up too, taking a beat to stretch his legs after having them cramped up for so long. He looked up to find James, only to come face to face with Kendall standing on the other side of the desk.
"Hey."
"Hi," Logan answered guiltily. He hadn't meant to avoid Kendall for so long.
"Have you been here all this time?"
"Yeah. Um, Lucy wanted to ask me about James."
Kendall nodded and Logan was relieved he accepted the explanation for his absence.
"She's on her way to ask him out now."
"You should have led with that!" Kendall chastised. He reached over the desk to grab Logan's wrist and pulled him around it. "I saw him at the cabanas, we might still catch it."
They made their way outside as fast as possible through the crowd. Halfway Logan spotted Carlos and pulled him along. James was standing near the second cabana and they reached him just in time to see Lucy walk up to him, her mouth full of wig hair.
"Oh! Oh!" Carlos yelled excitedly.
Logan slapped his shoulder to shut him up.
Lucy tapped James on his shoulder and he turned swiftly, his expression completely bewildered. "What are you doing? Is that hair?"
"I once told you I'd rather eat hair than date you." Lucy paused to spit out the locks of hair. "Having tried that, I need to humbly retract my statement."
The disbelieve on James' face was adorable and Carlos laughed loudly next to him. Logan looked up when Kendall's arm curled securely around his waist and leaned in close to his ear. "That's so cute," He whispered.
Logan smiled in answer and leaned into Kendall, looking back just in time to see Lucy kiss James. For a second James blanked out, but he quickly regained his composure and lifted her off the ground to kiss her back.
Kendall whistled and Carlos was jumping up and down in excitement. Stephanie showed up too, wooing loudly when she saw what the fuss was about. James beamed at them when he and Lucy broke apart and Logan was hopeful that it meant James could forgive him for his mistakes.
"Come with me?" Kendall asked him quietly when James pulled Lucy away through the crowd to get privacy from his friends. Carlos was occupied with Stephanie, the two of them excited for the prospect of double and triple dates.
Logan nodded and took the hand Kendall held out for him.
Kendall guided him back into the lobby and found a semi-secluded corner near the elevators, then leaned in to kiss him. Logan placed a hand on the back of his neck to hold him close, but he didn't need to be afraid of Kendall pulling away. The sounds of the party around them disappeared as soft hands curled around his middle to pull him in tight. For the first time in weeks Kendall kissed him and it felt even better than he remembered.
"I missed you," Logan whispered before he could stop himself, relishing in the feeling of Kendall's lips brushing along his jaw.
"I missed you more," Kendall replied, sliding his hands up his back.
Logan took Kendall's face in his hands and reconnected their lips. His skin burned where Kendall touched him and his butterflies swarmed back into his stomach as Kendall pressed him up against a wall. Kendall tasted like alcohol and the tuna sandwiches the wolfed down in between parties and something that was just Kendall and Logan didn't remember ever being so intoxicated by him.
A soft moan escaped Logan as Kendall's tongue went exploring and he let go of all the tension he'd been holding onto for the past weeks. He nestled closer to his chest, having missed him so much that now he wished he could crawl into him, just to be as close to him as possible.
Kendall dug his fingers in the small of his back and a stifled moan escaped Logan's lips. This was more than Logan dreamed of having again and he curled his arms around Kendall's neck tight, gasping as his hands slipped under the hem of his shirt and moved up his back.
"I'm sorry I've been distant," Kendall murmured to him. He nipped softly on Logan's ear as his fingers ran lightly across his skin.
Logan's heart swelled in his chest, hopeful that Kendall would stop holding back and be himself again. He didn't know how long Logan would still be allowed to be Kendall's boyfriend and he wanted to make the most of the time they had left. "Why were you?" He asked anyway, sliding his hand up in Kendall's hair.
Kendall tightened his grip on him almost uncomfortably and Logan used the closeness to press soft kisses along his neck. "Right now I can't think of a single reason why," He murmured, nuzzling into his skin. "I just know I want you near me."
Their next kiss was hard and desperate and so hot, and finally Logan forgot about everything else. Kendall's hands slid down to his thighs and picked him up with ease, pressing him further into the wall. They rubbed together so perfectly and Logan moaned into Kendall's mouth, his fingers coiling tightly in his locks.
"How are you this hot?" Kendall groaned to his lips. His hands cupped Logan's bum and he rolled their hips together, eagerly swallowing another of Logan's moans.
Kendall pressed wet lips along his jaw and down his neck to graze his teeth along Logan's skin. "Oh, god, I..." He whimpered, clinging to Kendall's shoulders.
"Kendall is fine," He murmured before sucking onto his skin hard. Logan let his head fall back to give him better access, Kendall's lips made his skin tingle and for the second time today he struggled to breathe. Kendall kissed his way back up to his mouth and Logan dove into another kiss, sliding his tongue along Kendall's until he could practically feel the sparks.
"Guys!"
Logan didn't immediately register someone was addressing them and neither did Kendall, who was preoccupied sliding his hand up Logan's shirt.
"Ow! Dude!" Kendall pulled away with a cry in pain and for a moment Logan feared he'd tugged too hard on his hair, but Kendall wasn't talking to him and set him back on the floor to rub his shin.
"There's paparazzi here," Carlos hissed at them. "I don't give a damn you are making out in public, but I thought you wanted to keep your relationship a secret?"
Kendall straightened up. "Right."
"What has gotten into you?"
"I may be drunk."
Logan glanced up at Kendall, he hadn't noticed that. Although the fact that Kendall was making out with him in the lobby should have clued him in.
"Alright then!" Carlos pushed them towards the elevators and hit the button to summon it. "Just go upstairs. The apartment should be empty for a while longer, you can fuck there."
Kendall grinned at Carlos and he placed a hand dangerously low on Logan's back. "Thanks."
"Yeah. Just go." Logan had never seen Carlos come that close to rolling his eyes.
The elevator arrived and Kendall pushed Logan in, sliding his arms back around Logan's waist as he leaned in to reconnect his lips. "You're beautiful," He murmured to Logan's lips.
Logan's cheeks flushed and he wrapped his arms around Kendall's neck. "You really are drunk."
"A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts," Kendall told him and planted his hands firmly on his butt. "And I think it a lot."
Logan kissed him hard. Kendall used the position of his hands to pick him up again. He barely registered it when the doors opened and Kendall carried him back to the apartment. Logan was lost in Kendall's soft lips and his warm skin and the way his breath sped up when Logan's tongue caressed his.
After struggling with the key for a moment, Kendall managed to get them into the apartment. Like Carlos promised, it was dark and empty and Logan started breathing faster in anticipation. They hadn't been intimate in so long and Logan desperately wanted to feel Kendall's skin along his own and spend the rest of the night in his arms.
Kendall put him down once they reached their room, never breaking their kiss. Logan slipped his hands under Kendall's shirt, his fingers following the line of his abs as Logan mouthed at his throat. Kendall groaned and took the hem of Logan's shirt, swiftly tugging it over his head. Logan followed his example and splayed his hands on Kendall's chest, taking a moment to locate his heartbeat below his palm while Kendall trailed his fingers lightly down his back.
Logan arched into Kendall's body and cupped the back of his neck to reconnect their lips. Time slowed down and Logan only knew Kendall; the comfort his closeness provided, the burning in his skin below Kendall's hands, the way Kendall kissed him until he was breathless. Kendall was everything to him.
Kendall popped the button of his jeans and Logan remembered turned on he was. He stepped out of his pants and gasped quietly when Kendall nipped along his neck. "I missed you," He whispered in Logan's ear. "Come to bed with me?"
Logan nodded and made quick work of Kendall's jeans to get there faster. Kendall sat on the bed and pulled Logan on top of him before laying back, sliding his arms around his body. "Kiss me," Kendall requested, rubbing little circles into Logan's sides.
He readily complied, eager to be closer and feel Kendall and stay with him. Kendall rolled their hips together briefly, as if he was testing the waters, but Logan had no more patience for that. He was chasing after the feeling that came over him when he was intimate with Kendall, the warmth and safety and the knowledge that nothing would get between them. Logan desperately wanted to believe Kendall still wanted him, that he was good enough, even if it was only for the rest of the night.
Kendall moaned and firmly curled his hands around his hips to encourage him. It felt so good, so perfect, but Logan wanted more. He wanted to feel him tremble and see him finish and snuggle in the post orgasm glow with the man of his dreams until he forgot about all the terrible things that happened.
Logan hesitated only a second before sliding his hand into his boxers to take hold of him. He was rarely this forward, but his desire for Kendall and the influence were urging him on. Kendall groaned into his mouth and kissed him harder, moving his own hand further down. Logan was so hard and Kendall's hand was magical and it was all so good he could barely hold himself up.
Logan was so lost in the feeling that he didn't notice Kendall's other hand until a finger travelled down between his cheeks. The room grew cold and Logan abruptly sobered as he realised he didn't want this.
However, the last thing Logan wanted was to piss Kendall off after everything they'd been through that day. He took Kendall's wrist and pulled his hand back up until it was back around his waist while kissing his way up along his jaw to his lips in an effort to distract him. Kendall kept stroking him and didn't seem bothered, so Logan felt alright resuming movement of his hand.
Kendall rolled onto his side and wrapped Logan tightly in his arms. Their kiss got a lot more heated as his hand sped up and Logan was getting close again, the burn in the pit of his stomach reaching new heights as Kendall rubbed his thumb over the head.
He was completely focused on getting Kendall off soon too, eager to see his partner come undone, so this time Logan didn't notice Kendall's stray hand until his fingers rubbed his taint. Logan stilled; he was laying on his free arm and had the other on Kendall. "Kendall, I don't-"
Logan was cut off with another kiss. Kendall was unaware of the panic that rapidly filled his body and that he stopped stroking him in order to pull Kendall's hands from between his legs. Logan didn't want to go there yet, not when they were both under influence of alcohol, not on a late night after an emotional, exhausting day. He simply wanted that sweet release and fall asleep in Kendall's arms.
Logan tried to get back into it, to move his hand in time with Kendall's and sink back into the thoughtless pleasure. Kendall hugged him closely and he was lured into a false sense of security as they kissed, but the next time Kendall tried he made no effort to distract Logan and moved the hand from his hard-on further down. For the first time Logan felt trapped laying in Kendall's arms and he had a hard time breaking their kiss. "Stop, please," He whispered, pushing against Kendall's chest to get away.
Kendall seemed to be made of stone; he was unmovable and unhearing on his quest to get inside Logan. His fingers brushed along his hole and Logan froze in fear. This was a bad dream, a hallucination from his lack of sleep over the last couple weeks, Kendall wasn't like Julian. But that wasn't true and this was a déjà vu, as Julian had tried to get to him in exactly the same way.
Logan pulled his arm back as far as he could and elbowed Kendall in his chest. Kendall groaned and curled in on himself and Logan used his distraction to get out of bed. He was trembling, his body was covered in cold sweat and he was dizzy with nausea. His stomach heaved, but nothing came out and Logan retched a few more times before he determined nothing was coming.
He screwed up.
Slowly, Logan stumbled his way to his own bed and pulled the duvet all the way over his head in a pitiful effort to hide from the world. His thoughts were swirling and his mouth tasted disgustingly sour and dry and all he could think of were the wrong hands holding him down, sliding down his body, touching him there.
If Logan still held a glimmer of hope before, he had just destroyed the last of it.
"Fuck," Kendall murmured, his voice hoarse. Logan listened closely as he uttered more words. He stumbled out of bed and seconds later Logan heard him throw up in their trash can. Logan's chest clenched as Kendall emptied his stomach of a night's worth of alcohol and food. Kendall finished several minutes later and breathed deeply to calm his stomach.
"No. Oh god," He whispered. "No, no, no."
Logan squeezed his eyes shut to keep his tears at bay, but remained curled up below his blanket.
"Logan..."
The misery in Kendall's voice sliced through his heart. Logan deserved it. This was his fault, all his fault.
The mattress creaked quietly as Kendall sank back on the other bed. He breathed deeply for a while longer, seemingly unable to calm himself down, but eventually his breaths turned into snores.
Only then Logan allowed his tears to come. If he had just been honest with Kendall and told him about what Julian did to him Kendall would never have pushed him like he did tonight. Logan had pushed his perfect, wonderful, amazing boyfriend to his limits the last few weeks. He kept secrets, he kept quiet, shut him out, and Kendall had accepted it all so easily. Kendall stayed close to him and supported him and was so, so gentle and considerate.
Tonight Kendall needed him. Logan had a chance to repay some of his immense dept and help his partner out. He had an opportunity to salvage his relationship.
But Logan denied him and doubled down by punching him.
Logan fucked up. He lost the best thing that ever happened to him. Tomorrow morning Kendall would wake up and realise what a train wreck he was. Logan hurt him, and everyone around him, and Kendall deserved better.
His body shook in effort not to cry out and he bit down on his hand hard to keep in the noise. Kendall was everything to him, and Logan just lost him.
This was hard to write. I draw a lot from my own experience and while I've known situations like described in the story, I'm in such a good place right now I'm not sure if I got the emotion right. I'm going with it though, since I wanted to get this up before Christmas. I hope you find this good enough.