"OK Sam, tell me."
It was Castiel's turn to observe Sam. A sick sense of dread had settled in gut, everything to this point had been hard enough. What more could there be? His heart had already been broken before he had even sat down with Sam to talk, now, he wasn't sure what to do. Being so wrapped up in his own feelings, he hadn't stopped once to consider what Dean had had to go through, nor had he considered Sam on the periphery. Everyone had been hurt and was carrying baggage, like porcupines they just kept sticking each other. It was a sobering thought to realize just how un angel like he had become, he'd let himself be blinded by emotion.
Exhaustion was clearly written on Sam's face; he knew full well that Sam would never leave Dean's side if he thought Dean needed him. Nobody was more loyal, but at what cost? He might be 37, but the lines around his eyes and mouth, along with a bit of grey at his temples made him look a decade older. Sam had just told him that he wanted out, wanted his own life. Castiel knew that Sam would never leave Dean until he knew Dean was ok, or Dean were dead. There was no in between. The damage that Chuck had done was still impacting all of them. Would they ever be free?
"Sam? I'm listening."
Sam closed his eyes and took a deep breath, letting it out slowly.
"Cas, I'm going to tell you something that I've never told anyone. Not even Dean. And I need you to promise me that you won't ever let on that you know ok?"
Cas looked directly in Sam's eyes trying to figure out what Sam was not saying. There was something painful and traumatic in his expression, but the set of his jaw was also determined. He was going to get it out even though he clearly didn't want to talk about it.
"I can see that this is difficult for you Sam, you can trust me."
"It's about our dad."
Ah, of course. The parenting fails of John Winchester. Not for the first time Castiel wished he had been present with Sam and Dean when they were younger. If ever there had been a time that they needed protection it was then. Growing up with a father fueled by alcohol and rage laid their foundation for a lifetime of trauma, Cas knew that much of Dean's inability to be emotionally vulnerable laid squarely on the shoulders of his abusive father. A ghost that couldn't be put to rest because this wasn't a body to be salted and burned.
Cas didn't respond, he just gave Sam the space to continue at his own pace. He could tell that this was hard for him by the way he clutched his empty coffee mug.
"We ah, moved around a lot with my dad. You know that, right?"
Cas nodded.
"So, we really didn't have any chance to make friends or do any of the normal stuff that kids did. I mean Dean took care of me, made sure I got enrolled in the local school whenever we knew we were going to be in a place for more than a few weeks. But it never lasted, and we had each other but it was still lonely, you know what I mean?"
He actually didn't know what he meant so he just sat still and listened.
"When I was 12, there was this nest of vampires that my dad was after just outside of Cheyenne, Wyoming. Three times we had to go back, the leader kept getting away and repopulating the nest within a few months. Dad was real pissed about it."
Sam paused for a moment and refilled his coffee again, he was going to have the jitters from all of the caffeine, but he needed something to occupy his hands while he got through, he next parts.
"So, the third time, we got there and Dad told us that we might as well get settled and go to the local school and stuff because we weren't leaving until the nest was dead. Dean got me enrolled and dad would come and go for days even weeks at a time, tracking them, waiting for them to take him to the leader."
"I liked it there, I did. It was a friendly school, and I was enjoying that feeling of being normal. Dean was 16 at that point, pretty much done with the whole school scene, so he just hung out at the motel, made sure there was food to eat and did whatever to take care of things you know? Dad had said that Dean wasn't ready to face a vamp and didn't bother bringing him along, his job was me. It was a really great time Cas, we hung out, we laughed, and it just felt good to have some stability."
"With dad gone so much, we just did our own thing. When I was doing homework, Dean would go and hang out with Phil who ran the motel office in return for room at the motel. Phil was a bit older than Dean, maybe early twenties? Hard to tell, it was a long time ago. But it was nice to see Dean have a friend too. Dean never got to have friends, between taking care of me and helping dad on occasion, there was never anything left for him. It wasn't fair, so when dad was gone and Dean had a chance to have fun, it was nice."
"Like I said, I was only 12 right, so there's a lot I didn't know. But I realized that Dean and Phil weren't just friends. I mean every night Dean would have a shower and change before he went over to hang out. Phil's room was next to ours and the walls were thin, so I could hear them watching movies and laughing while I did homework in our room. By the time Dean would come back, I'd be in bed asleep. But this one night I wasn't, and I heard Dean come in, except he wasn't alone at the door. Phil was with him and I saw them kissing in the doorway, like really kissing, Cas. Dean broke it off and told him that he didn't want to wake me up and had to go. And then he kissed him once more and he left. I never let on that I saw it and pretended to be asleep, but 100% Dean and Phil were making out."
Cas knew that another shoe had to drop for this to be the traumatic story Sam alluded to, and he was pretty sure that the shoe was going to be John.
"So how did your father find out?" John Winchester didn't deserve the title of dad, and Cas was never going to use it.
"Yeah, that was my fault, and I will feel guilty for the rest of my life." He swallowed and looked down at the table for a moment, ordering his words for the next part.
"Dad came home a few days early, he said he'd be gone a week, but he wasn't. It was late, or maybe it was early. Dad had been drinking – surprise, and Dean was at Phil's, regardless I was alone in the motel room when he got there. I was asleep and not really thinking, Dad shook me awake and asked me where Dean was, and I just told him that he was next door at Phil's. I mean if I had been awake and had time to think I would have made something up, but Dad was scary when he was drinking, and I just didn't think. I still feel terrible about it."
"You were a boy Sam, John was supposed to be your protector, not another monster in your life. What happened"
"Remember how I said Phil's place shared the wall? I heard all of it Cas and it was awful. He broke in the door and started screaming: 'Get your fucking faggot hand's off my son!' I could hear furniture being thrown, and then I heard Dean yell back 'Dad no it's not like that, let me explain.' And uh, that's when I heard him turn on Dean. He hit him, and I mean he hit him hard enough that I heard it through a wall. And not just once."
Sam paused for another moment and Cas could see that he was struggling to compose himself. He brushed some wetness out of the corner of each eye and continued.
"He…he hit Dean over and over, and I heard him tell Dean that he would rather see him dead than be humiliated this way, and uh, then I heard him say 'I'll kill you myself.' And Cas, I think he meant it."
Another wobbly swallow of coffee before he could continue.
"It went on for a long time and I was just paralyzed in my bed, I was so scared of my dad and so scared that he was going to kill him, and then I heard, uh, I ah heard Dean beg him to stop, he, ah, Cas, I heard him beg dad to not kill him. Then it got really quiet until dad came back to our room, dragging Dean. I pretended to be asleep, but I heard him throw him on the bed and told him clear as anything: 'Next time I'll finish the job.' And then he walked out the door and drove off in the car."
"As soon as he was gone, Dean started to cry. I never heard him cry, ever, and I didn't know what to do so I just stayed in my bed. At some point I must have fallen asleep because next thing I knew it was morning and Dean was telling me to wake up. He told me that it was time to pack up and move on, dad had gone out to get some breakfast for us to eat on the road. His face was unrecognizable it was so swollen, and his arm was in a sling, all he said was that dad had come and got him to help take down a straggler overnight but he'd been jumped. I knew he was lying but I went along with it. When dad came to get us, he gave me the room key and told me to run it back to the office. When I got there Phil was behind the counter, but he didn't look much better than Dean. He didn't say anything, he just took the key and I left."
They sat in silence. Sam needed a few minutes to compose himself, it had cost a lot for him to open up this particular wound. Castiel on the other hand was processing grief for the two boys who had suffered so much at the hands of the one person who was supposed to love them the most.
"I am so sorry that happened Sam, to both of you."
"Thanks Cas, the point is I wanted to share this with you so you could understand maybe why Dean sends mixed signals."
Cas cocked his head to the side, trying to follow where Sam was leading.
"I'm telling you Cas, Dean loves you. He might not be able to say it, but he does. Everyone can see it; I think YOU can see it. But he's so fucked up on the inside, dad was going to kill him, how do you get past that easily? You can't."
"I don't know Sam."
"Cas, I'm not asking you to just accept everything the way it is, like I already said, Dean needs help. He drinks too much, he makes dangerous decisions, he's angry. But he's hurting and he's lost, and I know that he wants to be with you because the only reason I am even here right now is because Dean asked me to leave the bunker so he could be alone…with you."
Cas's blue eyes opened in shock. "Can you say that again?"
"Dean asked me to leave the bunker so he could be alone with you. His exact words."
"Oh, maybe you should have led with that Sam, it would have been quicker. But I am glad you told me everything else."
"Does that mean you are going back to the bunker?"
Cas studied his sad soggy meal for another few moments. "How long are you planning to be away for Sam?"
"How long do you need me to stay away?"
"What do you think Dean is doing right now?"
"Drinking."
Cas paused for a moment to consider his next steps.
"Two weeks. Give me two weeks to sober him up and see if I can help him move through this."
The knots in Sam's stomach released once more, Cas was going back to the bunker. What a fucking relief. "Thank you Cas, you won't be sorry."
"That remains to be seen, but I do love him Sam. I will try one more time."
"That's all I ask."
Sam put up his hand to signal for Sarah, the waitress to come over.
"Hey guys all done? Can I get you anything else or just the bill?"
Cas looked at her thoughtfully. "Do you have any cherry pie?"
"Sure do, fresh from the oven. Do you want a slice?"
"No. I'll take the whole pie, to go. And put it on his bill." He nodded in Sam's direction.
Sam laughed at that. "Deal."