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He is trapped.
Trapped on the other side and Ben thinks that this is the cruelest, harshest punishment that the Force could ever give him.
Because he is without Rey.
He is alone.
More alone than he has ever been in his life, and that is really saying something.
He isn't even joined by Luke's Force ghost, as if even such a torment as listening to his uncle tell him, 'I told you so', wouldn't be as bad as this.
And it would not have been.
This is...
This is more than he can bear.
Yet he has no choice but to bear it anyway.
If he had known only one half of their Dyad could live, he would have simply ended himself.
Selfish.
Selfish.
Selfish.
But true.
Rey is now free to live her life, and he should be glad of it.
He was.
He is.
But he's also not.
Because all he wants is her.
It could have been in that life or this existence or the next life or whatever.
He just wanted her.
Time.
They'd never had it, it had run out on them before there had truly been a them.
And the love inside him, that presses against every point of his being as if it is so great it cannot be contained within himself, that love is devouring him.
How can he ever find peace if he is without her?
It is torture.
It is agony.
Passion has always ruled him, his emotions always so hard to control and contain beneath the surface of his skin, always to erupt later in violence and power.
But this?
This infinite feeling of acute loss?
It is excruciating.
And it will never cease.
He doesn't even think he will ever grow used to it.
How could he?
How could anyone?
How can he exist like this?
How can he be, if it is without her.
The brief memory of her lips and his elation, only rip apart his soul further, a burning reminder of what could have been.
And what was.
And is.
He is only one, and one alone.
And ever shall he be so.
If he could weep, he would.
If he could howl out his anguish, let the poison of it vent from his aching soul, he would.
But he is trapped here, formless, in the abyssal, unfathomable darkness, away from her light, cut off from everything save his own spiralling thoughts and the pitiless emptiness that their severed connection left him with.
All he has is his suffering to mark his existence, and his memories to remind him of what he has lost.
It is a perfect prison, and perhaps he deserves this sentence, after all, the list of his crimes is long, filled with darkness and destruction, blood and flame, brutality and heartlessness…
But then she came along, she slipped her fingers into the fissures of Light that riddled his Darkness, and pulled them apart, exposing him, freeing him… loving him.
She was the first person who saw behind his mask, who really saw him and still thought he was worth saving.
She saved him.
So why is he here?
Was it just a bluff?
To mislead him into thinking he could truly be redeemed?
Perhaps one good deed was not enough to redeem him of a lifetime of iniquity.
But it seemed it was enough to condemn him.
He was not the only injured party though, while he knew Rey was alive, he couldn't imagine she wasn't in pain right now, she must be feeling it too, or at least, not feeling it, not feeling him.
Was she mourning his loss?
Was she feeling the ache of yet another person leaving her behind?
Or, like Jakku, would she wait?
Would she employ her seemingly endless capacity to hope, and hold onto a dream of him returning to her?
Or would she search for him?
The possibility burned and he shied away from it, unwilling to leave himself open to the dream of her somehow coming for him, of her loving him enough to even try. It only led to an increase of his misery, because he knew in his heart of hearts, no one would save him.
Even her, his Rey, his Light, his Love, could not challenge death or the will of the Force, however wrong its judgement may seem...
But what of Balance?
Did this mean that Balancing the Force was only an illusion after all? A fantasy dangled in front of the Jedi for centuries, for millennia, a great cosmic jape?
It should be unthinkable, but in his current state he is inclined to give the idea credit.
It would certainly explain a lot.
… If anyone could find him though, it would be Rey, and if she doesn't, well, he does his best not to give in to hope, but it wears him down, it's all he has left…
And he'll be kriffed before he lets the Force take that from him, too.
So yes, he is one, and one alone,
But that infinitesimal, stubborn spark of hope grows stronger, and he thinks one day, maybe it will be bright enough, to light his way home, to her.
Rey.
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Songs:
I Am Only One by We Are The Fallen
Light Me Up by Kobra and the Lotus
All That I'm Living For by Evanescence
Memories - Within Temptation
A/N: This was written last year after seeing TROS and was meant to be part of a much larger story, but I didn't have the heart to expand it. Maybe I will one day.
Wishing you all a Merry Whatever it is you are celebrating, I hope you're all keeping safe in these scary times. Sorry I couldn't offer something more cheerful, I am currently dead inside.