The Prayer of St Francis

by legendarytobes

For the Kris Kringle 2020 exchange from Hell Yeah Lucifer. For Misslielynne who wanted Lucifer/Ella and for someone to actually take Linda's advice. In 4.07, Ella doesn't sleep with Dan but seeks solace at a church where she bumps into a spiraling Lucifer, things unravel from there.

The Prayer of St. Francis

I.

She could have taken comfort in Dan's arms. Ella knows this. It was obvious what he was hinting at back in the lab, but she's had too much swirling in her head for too long. It's not just her loss of faith since Pierce murdered Charlotte. It's also her spiraling drug habit and the coke and Molly that were rioting through her system at the Lux siege. The dismantling of a freaking bomb and no word-not a whisper from the Big Guy-and the sickening knowledge that He's not there.

That she's been telling herself pretty stories for far too long.

But it's even more than that because everything that's happened with McCaffrey and with his father Tiernan is fishy as fuck. It's obvious an officer must have talked to Tiernan, but she's not sure who would have gone after Chloe and Lucifer did. She's got ideas on how to trace it based on car records and GPSes. She has her suspicions too…so when Dan offers warm comfort for the night, it's just too obvious on the face of it what's going on. Ella desperately wants to be wrong. For fuck's sake, Dan going to Tiernan (if he did go) led to Eve and Trixie almost being hurt. She suspects since Trixie snuck out, Dan had no idea about that. It's still so incredibly wrong if Ella's right that Dan set up not just Lucifer but Eve too to get shot or worse.

Those are the kind of hired thugs who take limbs or do other proof of life things to families or friends after to remind them never to mess with Tiernan again. It's rough shit, and she has to be wrong. Ella doesn't think she is, but she hopes after she double checks the squad car GPS records tomorrow, it turns out she's just been paranoid.

She's sitting now on a bench outside of St. Francis a few miles from Lux. Ella was half way from the precinct or, okay, most of the way from the precinct to the club since she can get her drink and, okay, some recreational drugs on there free of charge when she's at Lucifer's place. But this is all the same spiral she's been doing for the better part of the year. Okay, so God's not there. She knew that the second Pierce killed Charlotte, but this booze and sex and ecstasy…it's not helping her either.

Season after season of The Cabin probably rotted her brain.

And she likes Margaret, she does, but trying to combine the pet turtle and pet bathtub chicken in the same house turned into a massive disaster. And she misses the comfort of the congregation. Not just the mass or Sunday service, but the small groups, bible studies, and potlucks. She misses her community, and maybe she can't ever believe in the Big Guy again, but she still wants to believe in what Jesus stood for, in turning the other cheek, and loving thy neighbor as thyself, and the meek inheriting the earth. Ella feels that much deep in her bones or she wouldn't work insane hours every morning trying to help the little guy and solve murders.

Maybe she can go back to a fellowship, even if it's hollow. It has to be better than the drugs and booze. It has to be better than a different one night stand every few days. She needs it to be less lonely. Craves that comfort.

So she makes a totally illegally u-turn on Vine and loops back toward her part of town until she passes the first Catholic church she finds. In a city as large as L.A. (even as godless as it is), it just doesn't take long for her to do it. Now, she's sitting on a bench in its modest garden. There's a statue of the eponymous saint not far from her and a collection of stone animals fawning all around him.

It brings a smile to her face. She always loved animals too, that part of St. Francis's mystique.

Further down, deep in the darkness of the balmy night, she makes out something odd. It just…she always felt gargoyles went on large, Gothic waterspouts, a way to keep evil out, sure, but always on the balustrades. But even in the dark, there is no mistaking the outline of huge, bat-like wings. The arch of them and their impressive span. Maybe this church likes being eccentric or going to the next level of statues to keep the demons away, she's not sure.

But she focuses on it and then her skin erupts in goosebumps when the wings move.

At first, Ella wipes at her eyes. She's tired, she's under stress…she's so freaking messed up right now that she almost slept with Dan for fuck's sake. Of course as run down as she is and only a couple weeks after almost being blown sky high, Ella's thinking she sees a gargoyle or a, well something.

She's frozen to her spot, and a chill is easing up her back to match the goosebumps all over her. If she moves, will it see her? If she calls out, well, that's a move so stupid she'll make the average horror movie heroine seem like a Nobel Prize winner. Or, ugh, she's only ever seen ghosts before. Okay, one ghost, singular, but Rae Rae looks like a normal girl. She's never seen weird shit before, the truly raro. So if she's started seeing gargoyles or bat creatures or the Big Guy only knows what, then all her crazy problems are only getting worse too.

After the less six months, it shouldn't surprise her.

It's that fear of seeing things again, and even more elaborate things than Rae Raw at that, which finally motivates her to stand. She might be shaking as hard as she can, but Ella is going to prove to herself that there is nothing really there. She's seen Rae Rae so much less since she started at her current precinct. She's getting better, damn it, or she was. There is no gargoyle.

She tells herself that, a mantra in her head, till she rounds a corner in the church's garden and gasps at the sight before her. At first, Ella thinks she's truly gone loca because it's Lucifer before her and he's pacing now, no longer just still in this corner of the yard with his wings-batlike, massive things-spread wide around him. Nope, this is Lucifer and he's got huge motherfucking wings and his hair's a mess and all in his face and his shirt's untucked and he has never been this out of it near her.

Well, outside of the being shot and bleeding out in Lux thing. But this is definitely the worst he's looked without a bullet involved, Ella's sure of it.

She coughs next to him and tries not to stare. There is every chance still it's her mind that's broken and she's just seeing even weirder things than her usual. "Uh, Lucifer?"

He turns toward her and stills, but the wings flare out behind him-so wide and they must be 30 feet across if they're an inch when spread like that. Ella can't help but inhale sharply, but she does stop herself from taking a step back.

Her options are running low. Either she's finally, truly cracked or Lucifer is that Lucifer and was never a method actor. Neither option is great, and she's not sure which answer she's rooting for.

Lucifer mistakes her sharp breath for fear of him, and that's not it at all. Ella's mostly terrified her schizophrenia (or possibly being a lame psychic-ness) is getting even worse than it ever was. She can't have that, not now, and so she's rooting after all for him to be the very literal Devil before her.

"Miss Lopez? What on earth are you doing here?"

She quirks her head at him but doesn't move closer. She's not sure how ridiculous they would look to any stray priest or parishioner who wanders by but here she is in her grumpy cat t-shirt and a hoodie next to the devil, wings in tow. It's overwhelming, but it has to be real because she refuses to admit she's hallucinating this badly.

She is not.

"I had a bad day at work and I was on my way to Lux, but I was tired of drinking and I missed the Big Guy." She swallows hard and takes a few steps closer to her friend. Lucifer's wings retract a bit to his back, but are still wide even reined in and Ella can hardly fathom all she's seeing. "I had given up believing in Him in any of it, but I liked the comfort, and I can't stand the hangovers anymore."

Lucifer nods at her and rakes a hand through his hair. "Aren't you frightened?"

She shakes her head. "Please tell me I'm not having a total psychotic break right now. I mean, you're not a method actor, right? Because if I'm the only one seeing the big honking wings, then I'm in so much trouble."

Lucifer frowns and then nods again, and there's a flash of recognition in familiar eyes. "You mentioned in Vegas that you played cards to block out the voices. Did you see things too, Miss Lopez?"

"I see one thing. Or I thought I did. It was a ghost, but I haven't seen her in a year or so."

Lucifer's expression grows more solemn. "I see, and you want to know if the monstrosities on my back are all in your head or if I'm really the Devil?"

"Or Old Scratch, whichever you prefer."

He looks down at the ground and tries to focus on it. She wonders if it's hard for him to avoid her face and also the urge to look over his shoulder at his wings. Honestly, they're pretty cool. Intimidating as Hell, but they remind her of that old show Gargoyles she used to love as a kid, even if his wings are dark and seem red-tinted (of course) in what little light seeps into the garden and not purple like Goliath's.

"I am. I told you quite a few times, Miss Lopez. I believe I had quite the speech for you during our honey case a while back. It's all very much true."

Ella breaths again and it's a long sigh of relief before launching herself at him. She wraps her arms around his waist and holds him tightly to her. "Then I'm not crazy…at least they're there and I didn't start really going bonkers."

Lucifer has frozen up like he usually does, but he finally relaxes and, for probably the first time in a long time, hugs her back. "I don't know about the ins and outs of your relationship with your ghost, but I'm quite real, but and I have no idea why you're hugging me."

She pulls away from him, knowing that Lucifer has a max limit on physical affection. Not on sexual contact as far as he's described and like a lot, but he squirms under her friendly hugs. Sometimes, Ella had wondered if before his consulting job and outside of Maze if Lucifer ever had friends before them. Now that she knows he's the Devil and assumes most demons aren't big on hugs by nature, it makes more sense.

She sniffles a little thinking of it. He really is so nice, and everyone at the station loves him. Talk about being touch starved for like eons.

"Are you alright?" he asks. "I admit that when humans see me, they don't react well. These wings are hardly pleasant. They've been driving me round the pipe currently."

She blinks at him. "First, huh? Second, why are you British then? And wait…you're acting like you don't deal with the wings that much."

He takes a deep breath and hunches his shoulders, the wings vanish although it takes a few seconds for them to schloop into wherever they go. It looks like it hurts and Lucifer's face scrunches in concentration as he forces htem away. But they're gone now, he's panting a bit, and a small part of her is a little disappointed he didn't let them stay out because they were so cool. Clearly, though, Lucifer doesn't believe that about them.

"First," he says, striding over to the bench not too far from St. Francis's statue. "I feel like I'm the one going mad. Second, I like this accent. I've had many and you hardly speaking Enochian so my native tongue will do you no good, Miss Lopez. Third, these are new. My wings have never looked like this and while I have a different visage, well, I have never ever had something as base as horns. Do not inquire on that."

Ella laughs a little because it's so Lucifer even in this fucked up situation to be prim about his image. "So the goat thing?"

"Vicious rumor and slander all. I have no hooves either." He frowns and the humor is gone from his voice when he speaks again, and only sorrow is in his tone. "Although, until this evening, I never had bat wings either, such an abomination has never been in the Silver City or even in Hell. I don't understand what's happening or, perhaps, maybe I do."

"Is this something you should be talking about with Eve?" Ella has no idea why that comes tumbling out of her mouth, but they're just good friends, and Eve's his girlfriend, the one who almost got shot tonight because of Tiernan's men. Shouldn't they be together? Did she see and send him away? Did she not accept them? Ella can't really say but she suddenly feels awkward trying to help him in her stead. "I can call her!"

Lucifer shakes his head and suddenly his hand is covering hers—enveloping it really-and she stills in his grasp. "We had a row. A massive one. I…I care about her and I fancied her back in the garden, but we're not who we were. She wants the punisher, and I don't want to be that any longer. I…with Julian, she urged me on to give justice for Joan that Rookie he killed. I broke a human's back, and I have never maimed one of you before."

"The crime scene with Pierce had so many weird feathers and you and Chloe both said self defense on the report. Is that accurate?"

"I hadn't checked my wings at all since I shunted them away in that loft. I was afraid if they'd changed then what that would say about me and what I was if they were gone. And in a way, they are. I…before I citizen's arrested Tiernan tonight, I checked them and they were those things you saw before you tonight. I thought…" he shakes his head and pulls his hand back. Ella misses the warmth instantly. "I thought that I could make it better…if I didn't hurt Tiernan too they'd turn back. But they won't." He laughs but it's so broken it makes Ella ache. "Let us hope that's the only thing that changes. I couldn't bear worse. I cannot even bear them."

"They're pretty cool," Ella admits. "I was just scared I was hallucinating crazy crap. It made me feel better I wasn't. I mean, for what it's worth, they're super cool looking. I guess that doesn't help at all and I'm sorry, sometimes I blurt dumb things out. You would probably do better with Chloe or Linda maybe." She frowns. "They all know, right?"

"Only you and Daniel do not. I tried Linda but she seems busy and I hope nothing has come up with her pregnancy. Or, knowing Mazikeen, she's got Linda busy on some bonding thing-knives optional-tonight. As for the detective…" he looks down at his hands and lets out a long breath. "she and I are friends again. We are partners, but there is trust that is gone there on both sides. She did things, and I shouldn't have hurt Julian the way I did…I really shouldn't have dared. I scare her, and these things on my back would assuredly do that."

Ella nods and reaches out to stroke his nearest shoulder. "It's okay. I just wanted…I didn't want to overstep, not at all. Do you want to go back to your place? Or is that too much."

"Eve's already gone, moved out and to a hotel. There's still too much of her there so it feels…perhaps it all feels rather pointless."

"Yeah, I know the feeling. I had been rolling in that since Charlotte…I…but the Big Guy's real, isn't He?"

Lucifer curls his lips back in a grimace. "He is as real as I am, Ella, but I do not know if you'll find any more comfort in that fact than in a world in which He never existed. I…He cares for humans, I think, at least more than He ever did for the Host, but He is absentee at best and prone to wander. If He hears every prayer, I hardly would know it. If He could overhear and actually care, I definitely doubt it."

"But you care," Ella admits. "You and Amenadiel care so much and that had to come from somewhere. I…look if you don't want to go into the church and I'm so figuring that's a no."

"Not one wit."

"And you aren't comfortable going home. Do you want to go to my place. I have a pretty good movie collection and more on streaming. Honestly, it's not exactly top shelf but I still have a lot of alcohol if you need it. We don't have to say anything about this, not ever. You don't have to talk about the Devil stuff or your dad or your wings. You just look like you need a place to go." She offers him a smile she hopes is more comforting than it is sad. "I think maybe we both do."

He nods. "I can answer whatever you'd like."

She stands and takes her hand in his, leading him to her car since, honestly, she assumes he flew here and that's a lot for her brain to reconcile. It's overwhelming that idea really. But he's still her friend and he's definitely hurting so, for now, she can shove her own existential crisis aside and be there for Lucifer. For now, she'll still think of him and treat him as the world's most charming and unlucky method actor. The Devil stuff will come later; she's sure of it.

II.

It's been six months.

She doesn't understand how routines are so easy to get into. She's not sure how easy it is for things to change. And how they start as small, creeping things and end up in bigger changes than even Ella can anticipate.

It starts small. Suddenly, she's no longer "Miss Lopez" with him, just "Ella." It's not just her lab he sneaks into late at the end of a shift, but her apartment he finds succor in on late nights. They split what they do. A third of the time is spent on nerd things, a third of the time is for the action crap Lucifer loves that's, honestly, pretty good cause who doesn't love the Weaponizer franchise. The final third are for old Hollywood things, movies he apparently got to like back in New York in the forties, and she's finding noir is growing on her rapidly. And then their movie nights aren't just at her place and she's spending time in his penthouse.

A lot of it.

Until their nights migrated there (and she suspects that's mostly Margaret the chicken's fault, polite as he was about her), Ella had only been to Lucifer's apartment twice. Neither time was a good memory, but now she has so many. Long nights spent on drinking games or talking about the real history of the Bible…pouring through his library. She hardly recognizes when she spends more time at his place than hers, when a drawer or two in his bedroom is reserved for her favorite jammies on nights when movie marathons run too late.

Dan notices.

Perhaps he's more observant than, honestly, she used to give him credit for. He was frosty to her after she rebuffed his overtures during her spiral post-Tiernan. He's been angry with her for reporting him to IA and his tip off to the mogul. It busted him down to uni, and Dan's incredibly lucky he has a job and a chance to keep his pension at all. This is far from his first strike after that Palmetto thing she wasn't here for, and…yeah. But sometimes she bumps into him at the coffee shop in the lobby, and more than not she and Lucifer are grabbing food together, the Devil more than happy to pay, even if she manages to argue to do it about half the time anyway.

One day, she's grabbing a huge iced coffee with extra sprinkles (of course and always rainbow ones) for her and a tall black coffee that as he says "doesn't taste like roofing tar" for him when Dan pulls on her jacket sleeve.

"Hey, Ella, how are you doing?"

She offers a friendly smile because it's how she's wired, and she always offers a friendly smile if she can. "I'm fine. How are things? How's Trixie? I hear you started seeing Linda as a professional thing. Is that helping?"

Dan offers her a tight smile. "Trixie's good. I…for a while Chloe limited my visiting time but I've been doing well in sessions with Linda so it's back to the usual arrangement. That was tough for a while when even Penelope was seeing her more, but it's better."

She nods. "I'm glad. I didn't want to turn you in…you have to know I really didn't. But you almost got Lucifer, Eve, and even Trixie hurt. You had to grow up, Dan."

A muscle in his neck cords and he grimaces a little before his smile's back in place. It's not as bright as it was, but it's still there, and Ella takes it as something at least. "I know, and I am in a better place, so I figured I needed to return the favor."

She frowns and sets the drinks on the nearest high-top table. Ella knows this is gonna take a minute and even with the sleeve over it, Lucifer's coffee is growing hot in her grip. "Okay, shoot, qué está molestando a tí? What's bothering you?"

"Lucifer."

She rolls her eyes. Yup she definitely saw this coming eventually. Dan's hatred for Lucifer hasn't abated since Charlotte. He hasn't been on their floor due to the demotion so it's not a daily factor, but it's…obviously been simmering in the background. She could tell from the glares he sends both of them whenever he bumps into them at The Java Hut.

"And what did you need to say about my friend?"

Technically her best friend by now, and she's kind of sorry for that Rae Raw but not because at least Lucifer is corporeal if, well, still mythological to most people. That has to be a step up, right? And rayos is her life weird.

"You two are way chummier than usual. I mean, you've always been close which is dumb because after he lied about Pierce-"

"I know he lied, and I get why. And he didn't kill Charlotte. Pierce pulled the trigger, and he and Chloe stopped it."

Dan's hands ball into fists at his side and the volume of his voice rises. "He knew Pierce was the Sinnerman for months before we did. If he'd said one damn thing…"

Ella nods. "I know, and I know that Charlotte eats at him."

"Yeah, well that's great. I loved her and he feels guilty because him keeping all his secrets got her dead. That's even."

"I'm sorry, Dan, but the anger should be on Pierce, and you know that." She shakes her head, ponytail bouncing behind her. "I am sure that's something Linda's told you."

"Yeah but he even is…he's so crazy that he wants us to think his reasoning is that Pierce was Cain from the Bible and an immortal murderer. So why do we all still work with him? Why does the LAPD keep him around."

"Well, they did hire the Sinnerman without a way thorough background check, so they're not the best at HR. But, he's good at what he does and he's helped a lot of people."

"Tell that to Charlotte's kids too."

She sighs. "I don't want to fight. You hate Lucifer. You no longer have to see him each day or work near him. So problem solved."

Dan grabs her wrist, and it's a tight grip but not painful. Ella's not scared, just recognizes it for the desperate action it is. "You're in love with him and that's going to end as badly for you as it did for Chloe. I mean, what did she get out of kind of chasing him for a while? A dead fiancé, as bad as that bastard Pierce was, and some weird freakout for over a month in Rome? Stuff she still won't talk about but even Trixie says that summer Chloe had so many nightmares. Charlotte trusted him, she died. Chloe trusted him, and he almost broke her. I'm glad she has that new guy who's a lawyer in the D.A.'s office. But it's a pattern, Ella. And you can't…he's going to hurt you too."

"Celoso?" The words are out of her mouth before any denials.

It's odd because she should be denying it, right? She and Lucifer are friends. They've always been friends. They started as friends and, okay, there was a moment maybe once during the whole Weaponizer case where she almost said yes to sleeping with him, but she still backed out and that was more Devil desire-mojo than anything else. It wasn't attraction then, and it isn't now. Even if he's of course very handsome and most of L.A. knows he's great in bed, and even if he's both incredibly patient when she's curious about the Bible stuff, even if she's sure he'd normally hate talking about Before, and, well, he's basically her favorite person.

They're friends, damn it.

"I'm not jealous," Dan bites back. "I shouldn't have even tried to take advantage like that to keep you from…didn't work anyway."

She swallows hard at that. Ella long since figured out Dan's motives there, but she just feels the sting with a reminder like that. "No, but I don't love Lucifer. He's my best friend. It's different."

Dan shakes his head and grabs his muffin and small coffee. "Yeah, that's what Chloe used to say back after we divorced. You're falling hard, Ella, and it's gonna bite you in the ass. Everything Lucifer does bites people in the ass eventually. Just promise me you won't end up like Charlotte. Guy's into some shady shit, and I could never pin it on him, but he's dangerous and we might not be the friends we were, but I don't want you hurt."

"He's not going to, and we're friends. That's all it is."

"I hope you're right."

She should blame Dan, really she should. It's all on her mind that night at Lucifer's place. It was just a usual Friday night hangout. No big deal at all, since they're half way through Angel and, ugh, for each episode of the superior David Boreanaz show she has to watch one of Bones. Seems like a shitty compromise since one show has five seasons and the other has like twelve, but a bargain's a bargain and you better believe that the Devil keeps his side of one to the letter and expects the same in return.

Still, it's all Dan's fault that her mind is running over the conversation and if she has a crush on Lucifer, which is still pretty insane. It is!

Ella's so distracted that she doesn't even notice for like five minutes when Hulu asks if she's still there.

"Ella," Lucifer says and his voice is really nice and he's not wrong that the accent does work for him. And fuck maybe Dan has made her realize things she shouldn't. "Are you quite alright? You seem rather in a funk tonight."

She sighs and plays with the remote in her hands but doesn't start the next episode of everyone's favorite vampire detective. "It's nothing."

Lucifer huffs beside her. "I never lie."

"You bluff," she corrects.

"But I never lie, and I hardly appreciate being lied to in return. It's especially insulting when it's patently clear that you aren't even doing a good job of telling them. So, I repeat, what's bothering you? Who do I need to damn?"

She rolls her eyes at the joke. They both know by now that it very much does not work that way. "It's fine. Dan was just being Dan and-"

"Oh, yes, the douche. Where did you run into him? Did he write you up a parking ticket?" His tone is venomous.

While he has been only into casual hookups since Eve, and while he and Chloe seem to only be good friends and excellent investigative partners, Lucifer is still close with both Chloe and Trixie. He spends times doing game nights with both of them, and she knows that ever since the depths of Dan's betrayal has come to light, Lucifer has been furious with him. She's not exactly pleased either, but Lucifer loves Trixie a lot, even if he calls her spawn more often than not. Any threat to her is something the Devil clearly can't stand.

"No, just The Java Junction, and he is doing better. He's in therapy and everything!"

"Yes, I'd heard, and while the good doctor has done wonders for Satan, himself, I doubt she can get as far with the douche. One cannot get blood from a stone after all."

She slaps him lightly on the arm, and it's like hitting granite. Ella's not sure how she never noticed it before, but she didn't. Then again, denial is a hell of a drug, emphasis on the Hell. "Yeah, but he was just worried about me."

"Why? You're doing splendidly, even if I have no idea why you insist on still keeping that chicken around now you've returned to the flock. She's annoying."

"You're just jealous I have something else in my life besides you." She winks at him on that.

"I would never be jealous of something that can't even fly and she's hardly got worthwhile plumage. However, your bathtub poultry affliction aside, you're quite healthy. No drinking or drugs. You've hardly joined Lux for any orgy nights, which is fine, but offer still stands."

Ella wants to laugh and let it roll off her back like any other comment from Lucifer. But she can't because she's very aware an orgy night happened not two weeks ago, and that she was invited but couldn't bear it because…

Well, she knows why and damn it, Dan, for pointing out the obvious and fucking whatever she has with Lucifer up because it has to stay friendship. It just has to because he offered once but for years he's seen her as a little sister and partner in crime and that's just how it is. She asks anything, rocks that boat, and suddenly she's out on her ass and she's completely lost her best friend.

But now, sicne the coffee shop, Lucifer is all she can think about. Like how close they are currently with them both sitting dead center on his massive couch and their thighs touching. He's warm-he is always warm and it must be a Hell thing-and she's suddenly squirming a bit in her seat because she can't be thinking of him that way. Like sure, she has eyeballs, but she hasn't…but maybe she has been for a while now and was just too scared to admit it.

Is still too scared to admit it.

"Now that prat said something really awful and I may have to at least visit castration options."

"You know you're kidding. Hell, I know you're kidding," she says but then makes the mistake of making eye contract and she's left breathless with how beautiful he is.

And of course catechism comes back to her, and she remembers that Lucifer was the most beautiful of all of God's angels. She knows better that it wasn't his pride-at least not over his looks-that led Lucifer to fall, but the assumption is no less true. He's so very handsome, and she's finally really aware of it.

And Ella is cosmically screwed.

"Seriously, are you okay? I will have words at least with that retch if he upset you."

She shakes her head and just like with asking Dan if he were jealous, well, she lets the words tumble out of her mouth with Lucifer before she can stop them. "What are we doing here?"

He quirks his head at her, clearly puzzled. "We're watching Bones and trying to make a fan of you yet, Ella.".

"No, I mean…this…" she says, hopping up and gesturing between them. "Us. What are we?"

"Well," he says, more amused than anything else going by his tone. "I'm the Devil and your dad's biggest fangirl but I suppose not all best friends can be perfect. Otherwise, whatever do you mean?"

"It's just…do you think of me like a sister?"

He frowns at her. "I did once, but that's not how I see you now, no."

She keeps pacing, too worked up to look at him, too afraid he'll send her away. "It's just that we work together sure, but then we spend most of our time off work together. I get that when I have church stuff or BTCE stuff-"

"'BTCE?'" he asks, and how can the man look hot even asking a question.

Right, Devil, preternaturally attractive of course.

"Bathtub chicken enthusiasts," she explains as if that should be more than obvious. It is to her. "Anyway," she says, turning another corner in her pacing. "I know when we're not hanging you let steam off. I just…would you ever do that with me?"

Lucifer stands and she's not sure if it's because he's naturally fast-inhumanly so-or if she's dissociating a little because it's like he's just there with his hands on her shoulders. "I beg your pardon. Are you asking me for sex, Miss Lopez?"

He hasn't called her that in months, and she's not sure if it's nostalgic to hear it or painful to feel him putting distance between them. Everything with them is both confusing and simple all at once, and she hates it.

"No…yes," she admits, biting her lower lip as she gathers her thoughts. When she speaks again, they race out of her like lightening. "I don't know! I just…I love spending time with you and it's like for once and after a lot of just being buds I noticed you and how hot you are and I just…we do everything you'd do with dating without the sex and I know you get plenty of that with the best of Lux's patrons and you don't need me, but I would…it wouldn't just be a meaningless romp if that's what you think I mean."

"So, more like dating?" he asks, his tone hesitant.

She can't bear to explain it any longer, and her words just tumble out nonsensically and get in the way under the best of times. Instead, Ella takes action and strains up on her tiptoes because damn it, she's so short and he's just not, and kisses him.

Like with their hugs for most of their relationship, there is no reciprocation. Lucifer seems to stiffen under her attempt, and Ella pulls away, tears prickling in her eyes and she is the biggest idiot and has ruined everything.

She knew she would eventually, but she never saw it quite like this.

He pulls away first and surprises her a little by stalking out of his living room and straight to the balcony. So, ouch much. Ella Lopez, a woman who can drive the Devil away…not exactly great for her ego. But she's also been raised tough on the streets of Detroit and weathered more catastrophes than she can count. He's not brushing her off that easily even after she made the mess.

Ella's out on the balcony soon, trotting up behind him and deciding to lean on the railing next to him, shoulder to shoulder as she has been most of these days lately. Although he's as tall as a tree, so she doesn't really come up that far on him. Still, she's not letting him out of things this easily. He doesn't get to walk away and sulk after she opened her heart up that nakedly to him.

"Miss Lopez-" he starts.

She glares at him. "Don't even. It's been 'Ella' for a while, so I deserve this. I really do. I mean, not to be even more awkward than I've already been but that's kind of my jam. I…just what does half of L.A. have that I don't? You were up for it," and she grimaces at that turn of phrase but drives ahead anyway. "you offered on that case we worked with Kimo Van Zant. So I really don't get it."

He quirks his head at her, and she figures a being that's about as old as the known universe should get to look that naïve or clueless any longer, but he does. "Because, cariño, the lure of those I bring up from Lux is that they do not know me at all. It's not that we don't have a good time or I do not work to fulfill their desires." He laughs but it's hollow. "With my memory, I hardly forget them after just a night or a long weekend, but they do not know, and that's for the best, isn't it?"

Ella frowns, trying to put it all together in her mind, trying to shelve her feelings so she can work through it as well as any puzzle at work. But her heart is on her sleeve, and her brain isn't working as lightening fast as it usually does. It's still pretty clear from his words where Lucifer is going with all of this.

"Oh, because none of them know that you really are the Devil, right?"

"I tell them. I am not and have never been coy about myself, but, no, humans do not believe me, and I lean heavily on that." He looks back to the skyline, his eyes studying the stars with rapt fascination. "The detective and I are friends now and on good footing for us. I value our work together, and I truly enjoy the offspring's company, even if at first I found her rather sticky."

Ella offers a small snort. "Well, she's like almost twelve, dude, and not seven. Trix is awesome."

"Indeed she is, and I shall never be calm about how we all almost lost her."

She nods but doesn't mention Dan's name. He's cast a pall over enough of tonight already. "Agreed. But Eve knew."

"And Eve is lovely. She's good for Mazikeen, but she expected who I was in the Garden, when I was younger and angrier and far more in it for myself. When I still relished punishment and breaking Father's toys simply because I could. Together, we were horrible for each other last year, and I…I have gone off the rails before, and I do not deny that, but I don't know if I'd have broken McCaffrey's back alone. I am unsure if I would have gone so far and become so angry." He shakes his head but still refuses to look at her. "Perhaps it was all going to go to Hell the minute I murdered Cain."

Ella can't help the sharp intake of breath at the casual reminder that the evil, total asshole murderer of a boss she had and, okay, drooled over because she's always been an arms kind of girl was that Cain. Then again, Eve's also that Eve and they made out, and if she overthinks that part, even now, her brain will explode.

"So, you can only sleep with humans who have no clue?"

"What I am causes people pain. It's taken a long time for the detective to recover from her shock, to us to be friends again or for me to reach that rhythm I craved on game nights with her and the urchin. Eve and I spiraled out together. I…" he sighs and looks at her and she's not sure if it's her imagination or not that his eyes appear too shiny in the light. "…you deserve far better than what I am, cariño. You shouldn't fall into bed with me as there is both no future in it and because you are one of the best humans it has been my pleasure to know, and I want a normal and happy family of your own for you some day." He twists the ring on his finger but at least still keeps eye contact. "Charlie aside, that is not something angels or even Fallen Ones can actually provide."

She rolls her eyes. "Sure, Luce, because I'm looking for rugrats when I usually do double shifts at the precinct and spend all my spare income on Comic Cons and toys for me. My brothers have kids, well, except Ricardo now. I like being the fun aunt or Charlie's tutor. I don't need that other stuff. Honestly, considering I'm messed up and see a ghost…well, it's better not to anyway. I gave that all up at fifteen when my family made it super fucking clear that I wasn't normal."

"Then they are fools, but the fact remains that you deserve better."

"Do I get to make the choice, dude? Because it sounds a lot more like you're totally interested but you've decided to count yourself out from the beginning based on a shit ton of stuff I don't even care about or want." She rolls her eyes again because he is being that stupid. "Besides, enough of the tonterias, if you're all about the Free Will and angry at the Big Guy for denying you that, then I at least deserve the same courtesy, you know?"

He grimaces at that and swipes his left hand over his face before trying a different tactic. "Miss Lopez…forgive me, I mean, Ella, you don't understand. I assumed you did but you're hardly bad enough to deserve being saddled with me."

"We hang out all the time anyway. If I'm friends with you and we're pretty tight now, dude, and we both want to, then why not?"

He doesn't deny he wants to when he speaks again, and she takes that as a small sign of victory. "Because while I have not lied to you, I have not shown you everything, and that was for the sake of your own safety and sanity."

She glares up at him and shoves a stray strand of hair from her eyes. "Great, because I think we've both established if there's anything about me, it's that I'm extremely stable. Get real. I'm pretty cracked already and-"

"The wings are newer, and they are clearly Father's punishment for all I've done. And as much as I loathed the feathery burdens I had before because they were a tie to Him, I hate these far more. But I know you won't…the rest is worse, and I never wanted to show you because it most often drives humans mad at best. And even if you didn't go mental, those who do recover, it still drives them catatonic for a while or to Rome and exorcists. I'd rather avoid that part."

It dawns on her then and while she's hurt that he assumes she'll reject him, Ella can't blame him. From what he's told her and what she's learned at tribe nights, Linda and Chloe both had a hard time adjusting. The exorcism stuff is new though. She remembers Chloe running for Italy as soon as she could give a statement on fucking Pierce's death, but she didn't think her friend would do that.

"Chloe what?"

"It's water under the bridge now. As I've said, the detective and I are far better off now than we've ever been but between so many missed connections and failures…friends and work partners has been best for us." He twists his ring again, and she wonders where he even got it from. She's never asked, but she's also never seen him without it either. "But she still was this close to attempting-however futilely-to expel me from this plane. I don't want a repeat. Ever."

"Not gonna. I don't exactly have the Vatican on speed dial." Though an audience with Pope Francis would be pretty genial. "I just…what do you think I can't handle?"

He stares at her and the look would be intimidating if she didn't know him and his general goofball side as well as she does. "You have heard how the suspects I interrogate, well the truly recalcitrant ones at least…how they crumble and cry after I'm done. What is it you thought I was doing to them that left no marks? I was showing them my other face."

She blinks at him and instantly feels dumb for not piecing together the possibility of a glamor. Clearly, he has ways to shunt away and hide his wings-whatever they look like-and he's always denied he had horns, but Ella should have realized that some myths have to come from somewhere, and that there were even odds that Lucifer had something different about him. Well, more than the huge honking wings.

"What?"

He stands and starts to pace before her. "And that is why I never…I do not wish to scare you or to drive you mad. Truly I do not, but if I am being honest with myself and not compartmentalizing…" And Ella has to laugh at the reminder of their candid discussions in Vegas long ago. "…then I am scared when you see all there is that you won't even wish to remain friends."

She narrows her eyes at him and turning from the balcony sets her hands on her hips. "Now you're just selling me short. I mean, Linda and Chloe have seen it, right? Linda's still your therapist and you and Decker do Monopoly nights with her pre-teen like twice a month. They didn't just cry forever and not recover. I can handle it. Dude, I've been seeing a ghost since I was eight. I can do this."

He stops pacing, and even still there's a fluidity and grace to him that's so obviously supernatural that Ella can barely remember how she kept up enough denial toprevent herself from noticing.

"And if you cannot, then I shall lose my dearest friend on earth, and I hardly want that."

She steps forward and takes one of his hands in hers. "But I deserve that Free Will, right? A chance to know all of it and choose. Yeah, it could go totally FUBAR, but it could also be good and maybe you need someone who knows and doesn't expect anything. I mean, whatever I see, all I want is for things to mostly stay the same."

He laughs ruefully. "Just add the sex?"

"Just admit there's more here than just hanging out because I think we both know there is. I mean, Luce, I have like half the drawers in one of your bureaus. It's pretty fucking obvious if even Dan thinks it's happening."

"The douche is a moron."

"Exactly, but even he can see it." She squeezes his hand and offers him her best smile. "I promise, at least give me the choice."

Lucifer nods and steps back from her. "Alright, but I will understand of course if you run screaming. I shall loathe myself forever for it, but you would hardly be the first."

Ella misses the contact, the way he gripped her tightly back with his hand, but she knows he also needs at least physical space before revealing such an intimate part of himself. "You know I'm probably schizophrenic or, well, at least a very crappy psychic and you never made me feel bad about it."

"It's hardly the same thing."

"It's made a lot of dates run if things started getting serious, believe me."

Lucifer sighs again, barely an acknowledgement of her words, even as he slips off his vest. "Very well, but be aware, cariño, I did try and warn you."

"Deal."

She expects it to be like a horror movie, like some Rick Baker thing with stretching skin and odd visceral noises that set her teeth on edge. But it's seamless. One moment, the Lucifer she's known for years is before her. The next-so fast she missed it in a blink-there is the Devil. The large, bat-like wings she'd only seen once in the a darkened churchyard are back and she can see them in minute detail this time. His body is the same, nothing goat like in sight so that much was true, but as her eyes drift up, she inhales sharply at his face and neck. The skin there is raw and ravaged and so very burned. It reminds her more than a little of Freddy Krueger. Of someone who has been burned so severely that they should be dead, but, of course, nothing, no matter how traumatic, can kill an archangel. Well, maybe the Big Guy could smite one out of existence, but He's not done that with Lucifer.

Tears well in her eyes finally when she gets to his own, at the red flames gazing back at her.

And despite all of this, it's the Devil's face-Lucifer's other one-that looks so incredibly sad and gentle when she starts to sniffle.

"Yes, it's as expected, but I did warn you. It's hardly pleasant."

His wings start to wink out of her line of sight, and he's about to shed everything and be back to normal when she closes the space between them and reaches out to the nearest expanse of webbing between them. Ella grazes her fingers over the soft, warm skin there which, to be honest, feels a lot like supple leather.

"Don't."

"You're crying so it must be rather odious."

She crowds his space and reaches up with her other hand to cup his cheek. Lucifer's not wrong, and she is crying up a storm, can hear even her ragged sobs by now, but he's not completely right either. Ella has gone total waterworks but because she's worried for him. The waxy, ruined skin underneath her palm has to hurt. And he just hides it all the time because of how terrifying it is on the surface, if you didn't know better.

But she does, and she aches for him.

For not the first time, she hates the Big Guy just a little, if at least for Lucifer's sake.

"I'm sad for you, dummy. Are you hurting?"

Lucifer quirks his head at her as if she's the one speaking Sanskrit or Babylonian or something so ancient it's no longer around. Although, that metaphor kind of falls apart because he's the Devil and can speak any and all human languages. Thus, Sanskrit makes way more sense to her than someone regarding this side of him with worry and concern. That breaks her heart even more and Ella cries even harder, her vision blurring with her tears.

"Cariño, I confess I'm confused. Are you alright?"

"Yeah! I'm not the one burned to a crisp."

"It's not…these wounds were from when I first Fell. I don't quite understand the mechanism of it. For the longest time, after I landed in Hell, I assumed this was my face and the one I usually wear-though I was Created with it-was an illusion to pass amongst humans when I needed to. But I don't think either is more my face than the other. They both just are, but the injuries under your fingers are older than the human race. They no longer hurt." He shrugs but doesn't step away from her. "They did burn and ache and hurt so very much when I first pulled myself from the Lake of Fire-literal I'm afraid-but now, no."

She can't hold back anymore and, okay, it's totally awkward at first to get the right angle with him and to wrap her arms around his torso but underneath the bulk of his wings, but she manages. Ella squeezes him as tightly as she ever has, just so he knows, on the hope that he might get this and understand that she's only so very sad for him. Not that she can't stand him.

How many times has a human seen this and reacted in the instinctive panic and fear that, yes, even she can feel in the back of her mind? How bad did it hurt for Linda and Chloe both to freak the fuck out? His family has already rejected him more than any family has ever done before, the OG black sheep. This has to be adding more insult to injury, all the times humans bailed on him too.

"I'm so sorry that happened. You didn't deserve it."

He is stiff in her grasp (and what else is new?), but he threads his arms around her waist and rubs her shoulders in return eventually. "I led a Rebellion, Ella. I lost it. I got siblings killed because they chose to side with me and Father couldn't have survivors left untouched. The few who did survive, Fell too and are far more unpleasant now than I have ever been."

"You still didn't deserve this."

"Yes, and now you understand why even if I would very much like to have more with you, that I cannot."

She pulls away from him and rolls her eyes. At this rate, Lucifer is going to think she's about as mature as Trixie, but Ella's just frustrated and tired. She's tired of everyone from her parents (who still thinks she's loca and maybe she is) to Dan to now Lucifer defining what her relationships should be and what she should have. Ella knows what she wants…who she wants, and she's not going to let Lucifer of all idiots chase her off.

Not now.

"I don't see a problem. I don't care, but I do hate that it hurts you. That sucks. I just…Lucifer, if you don't want to because you're not ready after everything with Chloe and then Eve, I can wait. If you're not going further with me because you think I'm being lashed to some hideous monster, then, dude you're a complete moron." Ella emphasizes her point by reaching up and kissing him, her tongue tangling with his own eventually, and the taste of just a hint of salt and copper lingering in her mouth from his so very chafed and ruined lips. It's not the same as earlier but not necessarily bad. It does still gut her because no one deserves this, especially not because he asked for choice. She steps back and looks up at him, the begging and need has to be clear in her eyes as Ella does it. "Please, you're not going to break me, and I'm not going to get a priest. I'm so not going to encourage you to commit maiming or manslaughter either. I just…I want this. If anything, I think you need this more than before you showed me."

He quirks his head so much it has to be straining his neck. "But you have to see that-"

She shakes her head and pulls away enough to cross her arms over her chest. "I see everything I need to and what I do see is the person I love in hurt and ashamed and he doesn't have to be, especially not around me. I understand if after today you put this side away and never show me. I get that, I do. I don't talk about my ghost…I just don't with my family even though they know cause it's awkward and I hate it. But I'm not going to run, Lucifer, and I just want to give us a real chance." Ella sighs and rubs at her shoulders, suddenly feeling the chill in the air on the balcony. "If you just don't like me, then I get that, but this," she gestures to his face. "is not a dealbreaker for me, and it never will be."

It's like magic. No dumb way to think of it, Lopez. It is literally magic cause he's the Devil and an archangel and it all just flickers and the Lucifer she's known for years is before her, a very small and hesitant smile on his face.

"You mean that?"

"Te lo juro con todo el corazón. I have never meant anything more in my whole life, Luce. So, just let me know and we can go back to, ugh, Bones or we can be happier. At least, I think we'd be happier." She swallows hard and regards him with so much more bravado and feigned courage than she actually feels. "So, what's it gonna be?"

III.

If you had told Ella Lopez about a year ago that she'd not only be back to believing in the Big Guy but that her faith would be complicated at best yet still present, she'd still be coming off the coke from the Lux siege but she also would have told you to get lost. If you'd told her she'd be dating the Devil and, to put it Lucifer's way, shagging him senseless most of her (granted limited) free time, Ella would have erupted into a riot of giggles.

But now it's only a few weeks before Christmas, and her life is unrecognizable through her dizzying descent into partying and craziness.

It's quiet, what they have, and that's at her insistence and not his. Lucifer would never keep anything a secret. To be fair, he hasn't even kept the Satan thing under wraps because he still tells everyone, all the time, but they don't believe him any more than she did. Now that she knows him, it's sometimes amusing and sometimes just surreal to see other people try and write him off as eccentric. Everything about Lucifer really is other from the grace with which he moves to the slips of strength he gives in public to the way he does leave a few subjects a month crying about the Devil at the interrogation table. He's obviously all he says he is, and as time both marches on and fades, Ella has no idea how she lied to herself for so long.

But she's been good at faking normalcy for a long time.

However, yes, their on the downlow status is all her idea.

She doesn't want to hurt Chloe or Eve's feelings. Granted, both seem happy in their new relationships, but Ella worries that either people will say she's just scooping up leftovers or that, worse, she and Lucifer are somehow doing this to get back at especially Chloe. It's irrational, and Ella totally knows it, but she also feels like somehow she's completely violated the "sisters before misters" rule. Lucifer is good about it, and she knows it's all her hang up. Maybe she feels residual guilt from messing with Chloe's love life earlier and pushing her to Pierce in the first place. Ella's just not sure, but she doesn't want to hurt her best friend, and she's scared she will if Chloe knows that she and Lucifer aren't just best friends.

But she also knows her neuroses are testing her boyfriend (weird word to apply to the Devil who's so so much older than even dirt but it is what it is). Lucifer makes small side comments he tries to play off as just sarcasm when they have to keep the blinds down and the lab door locked over lunch break or when the tribe is at Lux and he can't really enjoy her company more than he would have Before.

Deep down, Ella's a bit worried that he's assumes she's ashamed of him. And she's totally, totally not, but she is afraid she's a bad friend somehow, and none of it makes any sense but being worried rarely is.

And things might still stay this way, maintain a tense equilibrium at least until Chloe decides to get engaged to Charles at the D.A.'s office or not.

But change kind of forces itself on you. Whether that's because you have an existential freakout in a churchyard or diffuse a bomb on all the drugs a club has to offer…well, nothing stays still for long.

And, oddly, as so many things in their weird, totally them and totally far from any playbook relationship on earth relationship happen, the change starts with something completely innocuous.

Or, at least, Ella assumed it would have been innocuous.

It's only a few days before Christmas, and they both have off. Well, Lucifer is a consultant and technically has the freedom to work as he pleases, mostly. However, she's banked all the PTO so she actually has everything from the 20th off and she's mostly intended to spend most of that very naked and very much in Lucifer's bed. However, with only a couple of days to go before Christmas (which Lucifer is totally humoring her with celebrating at all, but she gets the feeling that he bears his half-brother-still so weird-no bad vibes, so that's good), she's managed to get him to go to her place to help her bake bunuelos.

They're hunched together in her tiny kitchen, which to be fair is really more like a galley deal and is barely big enough for her on a good day. It's certainly not meant for a guy Lucifer's size to try cramming in side-by-side with her.

As he readies the pan with more oil so they can fry up the next batch of sweet, cinnamon-y goodness, Lucifer just glares at her. The dude has already complained about cooking in Burberry. Well, tough on that. He's the one who wouldn't wear regular street clothes even for baking. At least he has this idiot "Kiss the Cook" apron on that will protect his dress shirt. Yeesh, and the Devil is vain, at least with the face he shows to the world.

But she's kind of over the whining.

"Cariño, you do know that we could have done this in Lux's kitchen, do you not? It has a deep frier for the bar food we serve and whatever was that other thing? Oh yes, space," Lucifer insists. "Instead, I'm crammed in here, feet from a barnyard animal in your loo and trying not to give you a concussion by moving an elbow too fast. Why are we doing it here?"

She snickers. "Maybe you never made it work with anyone else because you whine so much, oh El Diablo."

He mocks affront by bringing a hand to his chest. "How dare you!"

"Besides, I like to do things at my kitchen. It's small and crappy but it's been tradition for me since I moved to L.A. I make my bunuelos here. I think they have good seasoning just from being cooked in the same, well-worn pans every year."

Lucifer sighs and takes the batter from the bowl and dollops it out in the oil. He's been handling the frying part while she mixes because he doesn't know the right way to get it to taste yet as its his first time with the dish. That and she kind of hates how the oil crackles and jumps when the frying really heats up. She's definitely burned the back of her hand at least once with this recipe. Again, worth it for the sublime taste and her abuelita's top secret recipe, but it did hurt. She might as well take advantage of the invulnerable boyfriend.

Except, as the oil crackles and spits this time, Lucifer hisses and backs away quickly from the pan. He grabs his right wrist and is cursing a blue streak in several languages, one so guttural and odd that Ella figures it has to be Lilim. Confused, Ella turns the stove off and takes a step back with him and reaches automatically for his left wrist, the one he's started cradling.

"Dude, are you okay?" She frowns even as she goads him to take away his right hand and let her see.

"I told you this was too sodding crammed," Lucifer starts and then frowns when he pulls his hand away and gets a good, long look at the top of his left wrist.

Ella's eyes are wide because there's a reddened blister rising there, something that will end up being a good three inches across and if he doesn't do something very stupid like pop it, will still leave a burn there when it heals.

She swallows hard and tries to understand that. Yeah, she watched Lucifer almost bleed to death once but that was different. He explained that because Chloe was a miracle (which weird, right?), being near her caused him vulnerability issues. She's never seen him injured since that fateful day at Lux, but it always made her nervous when he and Chloe were out as a pair on a case and especially on stakeouts. But Chloe is in fucking Vancouver visiting her mother on a film shoot till January, and nowhere near them.

And Lucifer's burn is at least second degree.

What the actual fuck?

Ella snaps out of her confusion first and rushes for a cool rag. She tries to shove it as a compress over his wrist, but Lucifer yanks it from her first and starts tending to his burn on his own. He slips quickly from her rabbit warren of a kitchen and stumbles hard onto the loveseat (her place is too tiny for a real couch).

"Are you okay?" she asks. "I thought…"

Lucifer swallows and stares at the burn but doesn't dare to eye her. Ella hasn't felt this off-balance with him since she kissed him the first time. "You don't suppose the detective was going to stop by and surprise you."

"Nah, I got a text pic from Trixie this morning when they were sight seeing on her grandma's set together. Chloe's nowhere near here. But she's the only one who…"

Lucifer nods. "I thought so, though I haven't been…there hasn't been any close calls at work in months so if being around the detective ever stopped affecting me, then I wouldn't know."

"I thought you said she was the only miracle there was."

"She is."

Ella tries not to be jealous. It's a tiny flicker in her stomach because it's kind of cool Chloe's a miracle, and it's also intimidating as Hell that her best friend was literally made for Lucifer. It's probably the biggest factor in her not wanting to go public. Ella figures this is all some mistake because Lucifer and Chloe always try everything else-including dating other people-than just admitting how much they have going for them as an actual couple. It gives her interloper vibes, and the whole Chloe "Miracle" Decker thing just highlights that even the Big Guy probably sees Ella as just a roadblock to something bigger and more epic.

Something literally divine.

But now Lucifer is clearly burned, and if anything, it has to be her fault. And that's…she's not sure what that means, but she knows she's anything but a miracle. Her parents were doing pretty damn good at having kids since she's the youngest. She's many things, and sometimes she thinks "sane" is just barely among them, but anything special Ella surely is not.

So this change is totally loco, and it's made Lucifer go quiet, which is never a good thing.

"I…what the Hell is going on?" she prods.

Lucifer regards her with wide eyes and swallows hard. "It's possible that this is self-actualization. I always assumed that I was vulnerable around Chloe the same way my powers over desire failed around her."

"The miracle thing."

"Yes."

"But…what? Self-actualization, like that book The Secret? I assumed that was all New Age scam crap."

Lucifer rolls his eyes but presses the compact tightly to his injured wrist. "No, for angels it's literal. Amenadiel felt so much guilt that he rendered himself mortal and that's how Charlie was even conceived. When I explained about my other face…I think that's why it's not one face is truer than the other like I first thought. I suspect when I Fell, even with the damage of the Lake of Fire, I just felt like a monster, so I had that face stay."

Ella is on the loveseat beside him and hugging him, even if things are awkward and huge and all-consuming. He doesn't really talk about that side of himself with her. They both know, and he's more than willing to share theology points and, sometimes, to break her brain with the real facts behind the stories she learned in catechism. But he's never shown her anything since that night, and she knows he doesn't feel comfortable with it, and that's okay. Hearing him call himself a monster is not.

"You're not."

"Debatable," he says, pulling away from her, and she resents the loss of contact as well as the loss of his warmth.

"Not at all 'debatable,' Luce. You're a great person, and most of the rest of the planet is just really dumb."

"Would that they all saw it as you do." He sighs again and takes the compress from his wrist. She can see it, can see the blister and it's angry and pretty big already. Ella did that. Somehow, and she feels nauseated even thinking that now she's his Achilles Heel however that happened. "It might be that miracle status has nothing to do with what always happened with the detective. Perhaps I just am vulnerable around those I love."

Ella blinks at him. She did not expect those words. Not this soon. And that seems dumb, but it's very true. She cares about him, and she's enjoyed both being allowed to know all of him and, yeah, of course the sex is amazing, and they were always close friends even before they were more. But this is…she's not sure she expected love so fast.

Especially when an angry, traitorous voice in her head keeps telling her how this is Chloe's place, that the Big Guy set it in motion, and she's just the spanner in the works delaying the inevitable.

But now Lucifer is hurt and she's the likely culprit and he's let the word hang between them.

It's landed with all the grace of an anvil.

She looks up at him and gulps. Fuck that word is like a bomb going off in her place. "I…what?"

Lucifer quirks his head at her and sighs. He does that a lot, but has like eight different sighs which is the weirdest part. Though this one has nothing to do with exasperation and everything to do with anxiety. He's regarding her with brown eyes so large and wide, she could almost lose herself in them. She really wants to, but her heart is hammering in her chest.

Ella's a fucking imposter and she knows it.

"I said that I love you. I…I hadn't intended for it to come out this way. I'd been honestly thinking of pairing it with my gift to you at Christmas, but I do love you, cariño. I don't know when I figured that all out, but this last year has been so much easier than almost any other I've had. I can't help but think you're the biggest part of that." He laughs weakly and holds up his arm. "I can't deny what's written on my skin either."

This is too much.

It's not even too fast because they've known each other for years and been fast friends almost as long. They've been dating in effect for a year and fucking like bunnies (demonic bunnies maybe so then Monty Python rabbits) for six months. It's a normal progression. But they're not normal, and she's not miracle, just a terrible friend who broke the girl code and now…

Ella jumps up from the couch like she's been scalded and grabs her purse and nearest hoodie. "I…I'll go get first aid stuff. Stay here and keep an eye on the bunuelos and Margaret. I just…I'll be back."

She's out the door before Lucifer can object.

She finds herself at Linda's. It's the only place to go. Eve was his last girlfriend so too awkward a conversation for advice. Maze has also obviously slept with him and actually so has all the tribe but Chloe, but she's also a demon and bad with the feelings part. Chloe's in another country and this would just hurt her. Wouldn't it? Like Charles aside, what is she supposed to do with "Oh yeah, I've been secretly dating Lucifer for like half a year and now I make him vulnerable too?"

What?

Get Ella a t-shirt and a decoder ring for the club?

Yeah, fucking right.

So Linda makes the most sense. She's a shrink so she has to know how to deal with big, fucking emotional emergencies.

When Ella's let in, she has to laugh at the explosion of wrapping paper everywhere and an obscene amount of toys laid out on the kitchen table at Linda's. Amenadiel is wrapping away on gifts that are nowhere near appropriate age for a toddler, more like they cleared out all the toy aisle at Wal-Mart. Ella laughs a little to see it. Amenadiel and Linda might not have worked out romantically but they clearly adore each other as friends and are great parents. Maybe spoiling her tutoree a bit too much, but that's what Christmas is for, isn't it?

"Ella?" Amenadiel asks, frowning. "Did you and Linda have plans?"

She shakes her head. "Honestly, I went by her office first, but she wasn't there so I hoped here."

"Of course," he says, still a bit hesitant. "Charlie's napping and Linda's outside on the patio wrapping things for me. Are you okay?"

She tries to put him at east with a smile, but the way her eyes are tearing up probably isn't helping sell the "I'm just peachy" illusion. At all. "I hope I will be. Just need the doctor to be in."

He stands and leads her to the back. "Of course, you take care of yourself, okay?"

She wants to say she's trying. Hell, for almost a year, she's wanted to tell Amenadiel that she knows and she'd love to hear more from him as a still in the fold angel all about his perspective on Heaven and Hell and the Big Guy and all of it. But she doesn't because it's a secret.

Because she's not good enough and it won't last and she's so not a miracle.

"I'll try," she promises as she slips through the doors and out to Linda.

All her packages-and there's an army of them-are done, and she's lounging on a chaise. She frowns at first up at Ella but then gestures to another chair.

"Oh boy, what did Lucifer do now?"

Ella blinks. Oh, of course. That's the part of everything where their group is a bit too incestuous an knows each other too well. Linda never even hinted that she knew, but she's Lucifer's therapist and it should have been obvious that he'd get relationship advice from her as her navigated whatever he had with Ella. And she's not sure what that even is.

Sure, it's serious. Sure, she loves it, and, no, the Devil isn't doing side orgies or anything else in deference to her.

But she's not special, and Ella is painfully aware of that. Well, except if you count possibly being schizophrenic, but that, as she learned by fifteen, was the wrong kind of special. So, for the first time since she turned eighteen and could choose her own medical team, Ella is sitting down with a shrink voluntarily.

"You knew?"

Linda nods. "I suspected that you two were more for a while once he revealed you knew and tribe nights could be more open. He didn't explain that you were a couple until about four months ago. Even after you, well, let's say sealed the deal there, he didn't want to say anything for a while. I think he was confused to see where it was all going, mostly because you're the only person to have something with him starting only after you knew everything."

"But Eve-"

"Well, not in the Garden or she didn't really get what that meant," Linda clarifies before letting out a big whoop of a laugh. "And does life ever seem just impossible to you or is it just me? I mean, I'm the mother of a Nephilim who is getting his down feathers in by the way, my partner in raising him is God's first angel, God's kind of my father-in-law, and Satan's my patient. It's just bizarre!"

Ella laughs at that and some of the tension eases from her shoulders. "Yeah. I get that whiplash feeling a lot. Sometimes, it's like 'holy shit, they're angels.' And then it's also like Lucifer will go steal mini-donuts from the vending machine or put a snake in Dan's desk a few floors up in the uni side, and I think he's still the same manchild I met on day one."

Linda nods sagely. "Because in some ways, they always will be just that."

"Pretty much," Ella admits. "I just…so you've known a while?"

"Yup, but something must have happened for you to be here, all teary-eyed needing the shrink who knows. So, I've got mounds of presents to help Amenadiel wrap for Charlie. Let's get this expedited. What's up?"

Ella narrows her eyes at Linda just a little. "He's going to end up mimado and just so so spoiled if you give him a toy store every Christmas."

"I know. We're going to grow out of it. I think we're just compensating because we know he won't be able to go to probably preschool and we worry about first grade. We have to get him not to pop his wings out or, you know, slow time."

Ella laughs at the second thing cause that has to be a joke. "Ha, a toddler who freezes time. That's a good one, Linda."

"Actual, literal truth. Lucifer has desire. Amenadiel has time and Charlie is part Amenadiel so…"

Ella gapes at her. "Oh, wow, yeah that would mess up preschool a lot, but it would make for an epic nap time!"

"Maybe," Linda says, pursing her lips. "I think we were focusing on you and Lucifer currently."

She sighs and lies back in the chaise. "Yeah, well, I…we were just doing something simple today. I like to make these cinnamon donut things for Christmas, totally traditional and from my abuelita's recipe. But frying and hot oil are not mixy things sometimes."

"You got hurt and Lucifer felt badly about it? I'm not surprised. He has issues dealing with how fragile humans are. I can't say Amenadiel doesn't fret either, especially over Charlie yet since we're not sure how immortal he is or isn't."

Ella considers that and hopes for Amenadiel's sake that being Nephilim comes with most of the upsides and the powers. It would suck so hard to lose a son in what must feel like to an angel as barely a blink of an eye.

"Whoa."

"Yeah, there I go again and mind blown."

"Maybe, but I can one up you. I didn't get burned."

"But-"

"Lucifer did."

Linda sits up and stares at her, slackjawed. "He what?"

"He burned himself."

"Were Chloe and Trixie over?"

"No! They're in freaking Canada and have been for a few days. It means I make him vulnerable, which is a huge mistake because I'm not a miracle or special at all. I'm not anything like Chloe."

Linda considers this information and seems to collect herself. At least her mouth isn't hanging wide open any more and Ella takes this as a good sign. "Oh, I think I see."

"You do? Cause I figure from what Lucifer's said, it was a miracle only thing."

Linda sighs and adjusts her glasses on her nose. "He assumed it was, but I've always suspected it was as psychosomatic as his face or when Amenadiel lost his wings. I mean, at first I didn't, but we've known about self-actualization and how angels work-or kind of don't-for a while. I suspect that on an emotional level, being in love with Chloe made Lucifer vulnerable so he self-actualized actually being able to be injured as well. He must feel that same way about you now so the effect has essentially been transferred to you, completely normal or not."

"But it shouldn't have!" Ella objects, throwing her hands up. "I'm just the nerdy lab tech. I saw a ghost…I still see her sometimes and I'm like pretty sure I'm crazy because you're the first shrink I've voluntarily talked to in decades because my parents forced me to see a bunch because of my ghost bestie. I can't…this is so so messed up."

"Chloe is quite happy being Lucifer's work partner. They never actually dated and it's been a long time since they even circled it. She's probably going to get engaged to Charles sooner or later. So, she won't be mad. She was very understanding about Eve and, uh, the orgies."

Ella blushes at that. "Yeah, but I'm not the type of girl who…I have fun and I've had a few boyfriends here and there. A girlfriend for a hot minute in college too, but I'm just not special."

"You mean made literally by God?"

"Well, yeah, but also Chloe's amazing and beautiful and was in his stupid favorite movie ever cause Lucifer is still a like manchild even now and I'm just goofy Ella."

Linda nods and her eyes are laser focused on her. Ella doesn't like it; the whole thing brings back memories of freezing with too much AC doctors' offices and the utter exhaustion of being in-patient against her will. She's been studied before, and even if she needs it, Ella kind of resents it now.

"You're more than you think you are." Linda corrects. "Besides, it's a bit obvious in a way that two people with such low opinions of themselves are actually able to see the good in each other."

"Well, duh, Lucifer's hot and rich and all of L.A. wants him and-"

"And none of those are why you like him."

"No," she admits. "I mean, he's funny and has the best stories and is nice to everyone at the station. He always listened to me ramble on about new forensic things even if he didn't care about them too, just knew I wanted a friendly ear. He's a hero and saves people and, okay, he definitely might rough up people in the interrogation room too much or, uh, do the full devil thing with them and freak em out, but he's amazing."

"And you think you're not?"

"I think I'm just the lab tech who's lucky she's not actually in the mental hospital because she sees a ghost and is probably actually Looney Tunes."

"I don't like that term."

"I feel nuts, Linda. I've always felt nuts. Some days, I'm worried I'm actually in a hospital back in Detroit imagining all this because who really has a boyfriend that's literal Satan? I'm not Chloe and I broke the 'sisters before misters' code and I can't…I care about him and I like him, but he can't be in love with me."

"Why not?"

"Cause if he is and he gets tired of me, it'll hurt that much more. Because I'm no one's first choice. Because I had to go miles from my home to try and reinvent myself as not the crazy girl. I dunno, pick one. I love him a lot. Sure I do, but I'm a mess."

Linda nods again and laughs softly. "As Lucifer's shrink, I can promise you that he's also, professionally speaking, a 'mess.' He's certainly not looking for perfect, and deep down you know that Chloe's hardly that either. She's a real person and not the nineteen-year-old ingénue from Hot Tub High School. She's technically a miracle, but she's not on a pedestal either, and you've known her long enough to know her flaws too."

"Well she doesn't see things!"

Linda sighs and sets her hand on Ella's. "But this isn't about the ghost, Ella. This is about you and him and if you can be as vulnerable with him as he's clearly willing to be with you. Either you can take that leap with him and prepare for the chance that there's heart break at the end, like people do with perfectly normal, mortal relationships. Or you can't do that, and you let this end here before you just hurt him when it's even deeper in. You're at a junction point where you either commit or you don't. Can you see that?"

She swallows hard and it's like there's a knife in her chest. "I know that," Ella croaks out. "But I'm not sure I'm strong enough to keep going."

Linda laughs genuinely. "Way I've heard it, you diffused a bomb high as a kite but still did it well and saved the lives of most of your friends. I think you're very strong, Ella."

"You don't know all of me."

"No, but I know what I've seen over the years, and you think very clearly. I've never seen any evidence it's disordered. I don't know about your ghost, but there are angels, demons, and Nephilim. So it's possible you have met a very real phantom. If that's the case, maybe you're more special than you realize."

She stands and grabs her purse close to her chest. "I don't know. Doesn't feel that way. I just…what if I go further and in a year or a dozen, he realizes I'm not worth it?"

"And what if you do go further, and you're happy until the end of your life?" Linda counters. "There's nothing to really say either outcome is more likely. Considering how fondly Lucifer speaks of you in session, I'd say the odds are weighted toward the better outcome myself. I…the choice is all in your hands, Ella. How much faith do you have?"

"In the Devil?"

"No, in yourself."
**

Christmas Day comes and she heads to his penthouse like they planned. She hasn't really talked to Lucifer since the whole burned surprise except to shoo him from her place when she gets back from Linda's and then a quick text last night to make sure they were on for today. She's thought it all over and even if it terrifies her, even if deep down she feels like she's just never going to be enough, Ella also knows at this point she can't live without Lucifer.

If he's quite literally going all in, it's the least she can do too.

Even if it might break her heart in the end.

When she gets off the elevator with the two packages clutched to her chest, she finds him at the piano. He's smoking which she hates, even if he can't get sick from it, and there's a couple of empty shot glasses on the Steinway. Lucifer has a third glass, full to the brim with Scotch, already to his lips. On the sofa beside him are an array of brightly wrapped gifts for her, and maybe the overindulgence thing is a first family trait because it's not just Charlie who is going to have a very good present haul this season.

"Hey," she says, feeling small and inadequate before him.

She left him hanging for a few days, and it was shitty. She knows that, but it was…the weight of the revelation still has her head spinning.

Lucifer drains his double shot in one gulp and snuffs out his cigarette in the crystal ash tray atop his piano. "Cariño, I wasn't sure you would come at all."

"I promised when I texted," she says, stepping up to the other side of the piano and setting both gifts for him on it. "Look, I suck. I freaked out when you burned yourself."

"It's hardly an issue now. Once I was home and far enough from you, I healed up fine. It's not exactly crawling from the sulfurous pits of Hell."

She flinches at that because she hates to think he had to do that at all. "I know, and I…it's not about you being vulnerable as much as me."

"Oh, just wanted a good shag then?"

Lucifer is not above being a petty bitch. Usually that falls on Dan, but Ella can admit it stings being on the other end of his cool demeanor and tongue lashing. "No, not at all, and you know that."

"Not sure what I know when you run away and barely talk to me. I shouldn't have said a word. I…of course no one would…if this is just for fun, then I can do that too."

Ella hates herself for making him feel this way. Sometimes even with all his issues, she can forget how much baggage Lucifer has. His family rejected him so badly he burned in Hell over it. Eve and he were a disaster, and he never could really seal the deal with Chloe, whose shadow Ella feels she may always be in, at least a bit.

But Lucifer has never been loved, at least not unconditionally, and she does feel that for him. Whether he's like this or burned or even when he's being petty and annoying her just because he's in a sour mood.

She loves him desperately, and she's the one fucking this up.

Ella slips around and sits beside him on the piano. "No, I don't want that. I just…I feel like a fraud."

"Because you just want me for my body and-"

"Dude, that's a lie and you know it. If that's all I wanted, we'd have rolled around years ago on a mattress at a fucking crime scene and been done with it. No way. It's more that but I feel I'm not enough for you."

Lucifer's stiff posture eases and a soft, awed look comes over his face. Reaching out, he strokes her cheek. "Why ever would you?"

"Cause I've just always been one of the guys at home with my brothers? Because I'm not a movie star, even a former one, and I'm goofy Ella at the station. Because I see a ghost and still might be crazy or weird or I don't know what. Because you won't still want me forty years from now."

Lucifer smiles at her and kisses her long and lovingly. Ella melts into all of it because it feels too good-they feel too good-to give up. When he pulls back, maybe it's her imagination there's a bit of fire in his gaze, one born of passion and not Devilish anger. "You're wrong. I only regret there's a timer on what we have."

"I know but I'm messed up and-"

"And I'm not?"

She sighs. "That's what Linda said."

"Oh and what else did the good doctor say?"

"That I can choose to go all in and be vulnerable too or walk. I don't want to walk, but I'm so scared you'll realize there's something better out there." She chews her lower lip a little before ploughing forward. "Maybe you and Chloe will-"

"She's my investigative partner. She's my friend, but she's quite happy with her new beau, and I'm thrilled he's not an active murderer, so that ship has sailed."

"But your dad literally made her for you and-"

"Yes, and since when have I ever done what Father wanted of me. Ever."

Ella laughs at that. True. No one would ever call the Devil compliant. At all. "I know but I just don't feel enough."

"And neither do I, but at least we both feel we're muddling through together." He kisses her again, and it's a long time before either of them break for air.

Ella needs to first, and she suspects if she wasn't mortal and needed oxygen, they'd still be at it. "You are enough, you know. I…yes, I love you too, and yes, I'm all in. But maybe you should open your presents first."

"Huh?"

"Well, I got you small things but I wanted you to know I am serious about going all in. I do love you, but I figure proof too, you know?"

He nods and reaches for the larger box since she points to it first. "You don't need to prove it with gifts, cariño. Your kisses were more than appreciated."

She rolls her eyes and tries to keep it light, even if she's blushing to her hairline, even Ella can feel that much. "Sure, Casanova, keep laying it on thick. Just please, open them?"

"For you, I'd do anything."

She swallows at the responsibility of that, and there's a lot of that in their relationship. Ella knows that short of murder, she could ask Lucifer for anything and he'd give it. It's heady and scary and probably too much for a mortal to have.

"I know."

Lucifer opens her first gift and frowns between the DVD case and her. "A cartoon show I've never heard of. Brilliant."

Ella rolls her eyes and nudges his side. "Dude, I was so obsessed with Gargoyles as a kid. I wanted to be Detective Masa and she's part of why I eventually went into forensics at all. That and The Weaponizer films."

"Truly classics of cinema," he adds, winking at her. But there's a hesitance in his gaze as he studies the artwork. "Is this a hint on how you see me?"

"No, but I can't admit I wasn't like kid-crush levels of into Goliath, the tall one in purple."

"My wings are red."

"Duh, but I just…okay, so maybe I was a groupie before I was her at Lux, at least in a way. I just…so you know and whenever you want to, I'm very comfortable with you and if you want…even if you just need cuddles for your other half, I'd love to. If you still need to hide it cause it hurts you to ever see it when you don't have to, I get that too."

Lucifer nods and kisses her forehead. "How very thoughtful of you, corazón."

She smiles, preening a little, and points to the other. "Unwrap it."

He palms the tiny box and frowns at her. "Whatever could it be."

"Dude, you're not gonna guess it."

He smirks. "I suppose not as Sight isn't one of my gifts." Lucifer demolishes the wrapping paper in short order and then frowns again at the sterling silver St. Francis medal he pulls from the box. "It's hardly my style, Ella."

"I know but I…it's not actually about your dad and-"

He twirls the chain over his hand and doesn't put the gift away or reject it outright. She takes it as an encouraging sign. "So is it ecology or animals you assume I'm into, judging on his patronage?"

She laughs. "Neither, but it was at his church where I found you. You were pretty out of it that night with your wings, so I'm not sure you knew which place you'd landed. It was at the Church of St. Francis a few blocks from Vine, and I just…I was hoping you'd humor me and wear it. I mean it wouldn't be obvious too much under all the designer threads, but if someone saw it, well, you could tell them that your girlfriend bought it for you."

His smile is blinding and brilliant as he hooks the chain around his neck. "So, you're ready to go public, are you?"

"I'm all in, completely your girl and, yeah, I was worried it might hurt Eve or Chloe's feelings, but I know the have Chloe and Charles now…so I just…as long as you're sure."

"I've made few decisions in an immortal life that I've been more certain of, cariño." His fingers trace the outline of the medal as it gleams against the burgundy of his shirt. Of course, the Devil's on point with holiday color themes.

"Good," she says, leaning into his side again and resting her head with, okay, some difficulty on his shoulder and freaking tall people. "Because that was a terrible night. I know we were both at our worst points. I mean, Luce, I almost had sex with Dan."

He feigns a shudder beside her. "Truly a fate worse than death."

"Ha, but I just…so much came from it. Good things, and I'm glad I ran there. I'm glad you were there, and we came mostly clean with each other." She threads the fingers of her right hand through his nearest one. "I wouldn't trade this for anything."

He kisses her again and heat flushes through her core. "Nor would I. Now, we can open your presents or perhaps you'd be more interested unwrapping me."

She giggles and slaps his shoulder lightly. "As much fun as opening basically a Best Buy would be, I think I like the unwrapping you idea, you cheeseball."

Lucifer stands and strides to his room with the Cheshire Cat grin stretched across his face. "Well then, I'd hate to disappoint my girlfriend. Let's get down to business, shall we?"

She follows him and hugs him tight first, a Lopez hug is quite the gift she's heard. "Merry Christmas, Lucifer."

"Merry Christmas, Ella."