It took Pan awhile to realize that her phone—the one that Auden had given to her—was self-charging. She never knew just how much charge the phone had just that it was always working. Questioning Auden later revealed that the phone itself constantly recycled the energy that was already there and replaced it slowly anytime the sunlight touched the screen. Pan wasn't even sure how this was possible, but she couldn't argue with what was in front of her. She began to appreciate the device more and more. She even pondered getting rid of her own phone, but the questionable nature of the device still concerned her. How would she even explain it to other people if she whipped it out in public? Even if she was thoroughly impressed with the "phone" Auden had given her, she felt a little dubious about having both phone and internet service for free. Maybe she was doing something illegal. It still felt like something she should keep under wraps and she did for the most part. However, in the past week, she'd used her phone at work to fix a malfunctioning X-ray machine—it had been the only one they had and it would have been beyond expensive to repair. No one suspected a thing aside from people commenting on how responsive the machine was these days.
On a Friday night, when she was catching up with a few television shows, she received a phone call from Auden. She answered her phone in record time. It had only been a week since the "date" at the restaurant. She was hoping they might do something like that again, but she could never decide when it was the right time.
"Hey there," she said with a smile in her voice.
"Hello," he answered in his usual tone that suggested either boredom or disinterest. "Sounds like I caught you at a good time."
"You always seem to have good timing. Of course, Friday night is a surefire."
"I'll keep that in mind."
"So what did you want?"
"I suppose this is a strange request, but I'd rather ask than forever wondering what would have happened."
"Just ask," Pan said with a sigh when the other paused for longer than usual.
"Could you cut my hair?" he asked plainly.
Pan was too flabbergasted to answer back immediately, but she did eventually. "You're not serious, are you? I've never really done that before. I mean, I guess I've given my own hair a trim before, but nothing as drastic as what you're probably asking for. What are you asking for anyway? Something really short?"
"It's not something I've thought about extensively, but something that isn't a buzz-cut."
"That really narrows it down," Pan said sardonically.
"I don't really have a preference aside from that."
"So you're saying you're prepared to have me cut your hair any way I see fit as long as it isn't a buzzcut?"
"Exactly."
"Yep, that is a strange request, but I'll take you up on it."
"Really?" he asked with a hint of surprise—Pan was glad to hear it there in his voice.
"Of course! I'll just watch a few tutorials and go from there. Sounds like fun. I have to make a disclaimer though—I'm not a professional, so this whole thing is all at your own risk. As long as you're okay with that…"
"I'm fine with that arrangement."
"Though I'm not sure why. I mean, you do know I'll have to be…touching your hair a lot which is attached to a scalp. My hands will be in very close proximity. And, well…"
"I don't mind."
"You don't?" Pan questioned him again.
"I've grown used to you. I should be able to handle it."
"But…are you sure?" she asked once again, making doubly sure he knew what he was getting into. This could potentially be a trying endeavor, even more so if he couldn't mentally handle her closeness.
"I trust you," Auden finally said.
That one phrase took Pan by surprise and she was quiet for longer than usual.
"Pan?" he asked, when there was no response from her in a long while.
"Still here—just trying to digest. For the record, I trust you too."
"I've suspected. You've been quite open about yourself though I haven't returned the favor."
"Well, that's only because I'm an open book in general," Pan said with a laugh, "And that wasn't to force you to be that way—that's just how I am. I've always been that."
"Perhaps that is a better way to go through life. Mom was always a secretive person and she was forever worried about 'our business getting out on the street'. I always wondered who would care if that was the case, but that's how she wanted things, that's how I've always been. Other people knowing too much about you was considered a 'bad' thing. Maybe it was a way to keep the upper hand. Likely from would-be criminals who would use such information for their own less than savory needs."
"Well, that's definitely practical. I guess I never had to worry about that sort of thing."
"Something tells me that the worries you had were far different from mine. People breaking into your home was probably not one of them."
"I can't imagine how that must have been like for you."
"It's better that way. Trust me."
"Well, now that we've completely derailed the main point, I'll get on those videos. First, I have to ask, do you have a blow-dryer?"
"I do," he replied evenly.
"Hair shears?"
"An entire collection of a professional quality."
"Oh, really? That's even better."
"I've always tried to maintain my own hair though with varying results. I've never been good at it."
"Well, don't worry, I'm a natural—I think."
"No worse than me, I'm sure."
"Okay, so shears, blow-dryer—I'm sure you have some hair bands, a fine-tooth comb, right?"
"I do," he confirmed.
"Oh, and a spray water bottle?"
"Not that, but I could empty a spray bottle and put water in it."
"That's perfect, I think that's all I need off the top of my head."
"Well, then, take your time prepping yourself. We don't need to do this immediately, it's already getting a bit late today."
"Will you be up for long?"
"I probably will. Offices are closed on the weekend."
"Then in that case, I'll be there in an hour as an expert hair cutter."
"I await your arrival."
"See you soon."
They hung up and Pan was immediately giddy. She always became that way when it came to Auden, doubly so if she'd be meeting with him face-to-face. For some reason, it felt like a rare occurrence despite always seeing him at lunch. Most of their communication was through text messages or calls. Hearing his voice directly was far different from a cellphone. Determinedly, she searched the internet for videos and advice that could help her. She already had a vague idea of how it was done. She'd watched Bra have her hair cut rather short once upon a time and she had trimmed her own hair for as long as she could remember—her mother had showed her how. A big chop like Auden was suggesting was still a little out of her wheelhouse, but she could manage. If it had to do with him, then she could most certainly find a way. She looked first for a hairstyle she'd like to see on him. He'd given her carte blanche as far as that was concerned. She too didn't want to see him in a buzzcut so they were at least of a same mind as to what the end result would be. She eventually found a scissor cut style that didn't seem too difficult to do and went from there. She saved two different videos on her phone after watching them to completion a few times. She'd need to refer back to them. Then she read through some hair cutting tips and tricks articles until she felt she was ready. This took more than an hour to do—time seemed to be slipping by quickly.
Pan called Auden one more time to make sure he was still awake and to ask if he had a few more other necessary items in his possession. Confirming this, she took off for his place. It was a cool night and it was refreshing feeling the air against her skin. Her giddiness had subsided by the time she was knocking on his door which was probably for the best considering what she was about to do. Her hands needed to be steady. It was a bit like surgery only without the blood and gore. She needed to be as precise as possible. Watching the videos, it didn't seem like an impossible task. All she had to do was take it one step at a time.
He welcomed her in and informed her that he'd already washed his hair. Good. A step that she could skip altogether. His hair was still a bit damp but knowing the slow pace she would be going, she would need that spray bottle to keep it wet enough for her purposes. Auden had everything set out on the dining room table.
"So where did you want to do this?" Pan asked.
"The dining room—it has more chairs. The bathroom is a bit cramped. If that's alright with you," he said.
"That's fine. I pictured me standing up and you sitting down. Now, Auden, are you ready for this? It could take a while."
"What would it look like if you came all this way, having spent your personal time looking up tutorials all for me to back out of the whole thing? I'm practically obligated at this point. Don't worry. I'll be fine," Auden told her reassuringly.
"Alright," Pan said drawing out the word a bit, "But if you ever feel at all uncomfortable just let me know. I mean, if I don't finish it tonight, there's always tomorrow."
"I'm sure it won't come to that," he said calmly.
"You seem awfully confident for someone who's going to have their hair cut by a complete amateur."
"Let's just start before you manage to talk me out of this."
"Aw, there it is, a little healthy dose of concern," Pan said with a grin, "Now I feel better."
Auden sat down at the nearest chair. "Better to focus on the positive."
"You know, if I didn't know any better, I'd think you were an optimist."
"I try to be, but it's all too easy to think the opposite."
Pan was standing behind him as she examined the items on the table. "Very," she agreed. "Level with me, what exactly is your plan if I mess this up?"
"You won't, but if you do, I'll just have to go with a buzzcut and wait for it to grow back out."
Pan shook her head. "I would hate that. I can hardly picture it. Everyone at work would probably be horrified."
"I doubt it'd be so dramatic. People might initially be surprised, but soon they'd get over it. They have their own worries and concerns to deal with. What I look like will be a passing interest at best."
Something told her that if he had any admirers at work he was totally oblivious to them. Who wouldn't at least find him pleasing to the eyes from a distance? Maybe that was just her bias talking. She took a hair tie in hand intending to tie his hair up in sections so that she could cut it shorter and shorter by section. She was trying to be as careful as possible.
"Alright, I'm about to place my hands on your hair," Pan warned the other.
"As can be expected," Auden replied with a subtle hint of sarcasm and annoyance.
She was a bit surprised to hear it there in his tone. She wondered if she was worrying a little too much over him. Seeing one panic attack was enough—she did not fancy witnessing another.
"But I appreciate the concern," he said a moment later, probably realizing his shortness.
"It's practically my middle name," she replied with a smile.
Without further ado, she began. She let her fingers run slowly through his hair, a thing that she had wanted to do for a long time. It was blessedly soft just like she imagined it to be, perhaps even better than her imagination. There was so much volume. It was thicker than she suspected, much more than the people getting their hair done on the videos had been. It would simply mean that she had significantly more strands of hair to work with. Even wet, she could tell that his hair could easily get tangled. It took her a moment to realize that the other had become quite tense—his shoulders were squared up as if bracing against something.
"Are you alright?" Pan asked pausing now in her perusal. She'd been idling in his hair longer than what was necessary, but she'd gotten lost in the texture. This was, in fact, the first time she had touched any part of him at all for so long. It was exciting.
"I'm fine," he said quickly. "Please, continue."
He didn't seem fine. She realized that this was probably difficult for him and no amount of 'are you okay' was going to change that. He'd resigned himself to this. It shed new light on the reason he'd asked her to do this in the first place. With a total stranger, he wouldn't stand a chance. He was barely holding it together as it was. Maybe barely was too harsh a word, but the tenseness never went away, at least initially. Carefully, she cut the long shafts of his hair and then placed it on the table for him to see.
"All that thick lovely hair," Pan commented.
"Good riddance," Auden replied. "I've wasted too much of my life washing and drying it. It takes hours to dry on its own."
"You know most people would kill for that kind of volume."
"Sure, until they're tasked with maintaining it."
Pan chuckled at this. "I wouldn't mind."
With the initial chop done, now came the harder part of shaping up his hair. Very slowly she went around his hair with the shears trying to get the ends at the same length with a technique of cutting that didn't make it look so blunt. It took longer than what the tutorial suggested because she was nervous and continually combing down his hair slowly with a fine-tooth comb evaluating the length and the look of each cut. She rewetted his hair several times. When she checked on Auden, she noticed that he had relaxed a little, but he was still quite rigid. He hadn't said much and she was concentrating too intently to keep up a meaningful conversation. It was a comfortable silence between them.
After she was done varying the length of hair in the back, she looked at it once again to make sure she'd tapered the hair just the way she wanted. "Perfect," she said to herself. Now she started combing out the front of his hair. She would have to stand in front of him for this. The front part was surprisingly long reaching down past his nose. She noticed his eyes closed, but it didn't seem like it was because of the hair in the way.
"Tired?" Pan asked as she began slowly snipping off the ends.
"Just resting my eyes," he replied wearily.
"Same difference," Pan said with a short laugh. "Speaking of resting," she began as a question popped into her head out of curiosity. "How's that been for you lately? Sometimes you text me pretty late at night. Not that I don't appreciate the thought, but sometimes I leave you hanging 'cus I can't keep my eyes open."
"Some good days, some bad days," he said back.
"Is it work related? It must be pretty hard working at CC. Not just anyone gets hired there."
"Sometimes I do worry about things at work—not the work itself just the people. I wonder if I've come off as offensive to someone or didn't explain myself clearly. I wonder if people hate it when I come in and try to engage in small talk or like it more when I just mind my own business. Then some days I don't care at all and I can fall asleep just like that."
"It's good to do self-reflection, but it can easily get out of hand. That's just me speaking from experience. I focus on things that I shouldn't. That's not the thing that always gets me though. Every once in a while, I have these weird, often scary dreams that wake me up too early and then I can't sleep for the rest of the night. Does that ever happen to you?"
"More times than I'd like to admit. I wouldn't describe them as weird, however. I know what it is I'm dreaming about. It's the same thing over and over again, only changing in subtle ways, yet it always has the same effect on me."
Pan noticed that he did not elaborate on this and she did not push him to do so. After all, she hadn't, but it was probably obvious what her dreams would be about. She didn't want to say his name aloud; not right now. However, she was completely in the dark as to what could be bothering Auden. It could be something incredibly mundane made to be unsettling in his own mind or it could be something truly horrible. Pan continued trimming his hair, one small section at a time.
"The sound of hair being snipped is rather nice—not as harsh as cutting paper," Auden noted.
"Yeah, I have to admit, I'm having fun doing this. It's kind of relaxing."
She didn't mention the fact that the other didn't look totally relaxed, but she realized that he was doing incredibly well considering that this whole thing could have devolved rather quickly from the very beginning. She tried to work faster, but she could only do it to a certain degree as she was a complete novice and she wanted to make sure she wasn't doing anything wrong. It took her another hour to cut enough length in a way that looked natural and not blunt and amateur. She began the process of shaping it up which involved a lot of combing back out again. She warned the other each time she had to spray his hair down with water again. He flinched every time she did so regardless—it likely wasn't his favorite thing for her to do, but he was a good sport. He never complained even if she wished he did. Pan had a feeling that there were a lot of things which he kept to himself so as not to upset others. It sometimes made it hard to be completely accommodating to him. Even if it was something he considered petty, she wanted to know.
It took her some time, but she was on the homestretch. She had a few snips left and she wanted to make doubly sure she was finished before she actually announced it. Something told her that she'd be pushing it if she announced this, but then realized she missed a part and then had to re-engage his hair. Pan realized that this whole thing was likely quite the ordeal for him. She didn't want to make it worse.
As she peered critically at her work in the front, silently considering if anything more needed to be done, she found her own face quite close to his. She tried to ignore this, but she'd never been that close to him before especially not to his face. His eyes were still closed thankfully. Her eyes betrayed her as they travelled to his lips, ones which were probably neglected and had not touched another in a very long time yet they looked soft and inviting. He'd never agree to kissing her and she would never betray his trust or rigid boundaries, but that didn't stop her from fantasizing. In fact, she found that her own lips had already moved dangerously close to his and that she'd stopped breathing altogether. His eyes were still closed. She felt her heart racing despite knowing that she wouldn't go through with it. They were so close, however. Closer than she'd ever been to him. It was enthralling. It took all her will to pull back again and clear her throat.
"Alright, Auden, I'm done."
He didn't respond back at all. It took her a moment to realize that he'd dozed off. She wondered if he would even notice if her lips briefly touched his, but she shook her head at the notion. That would be wrong. That would be taking advantage.
"Auden?" Pan asked shaking him lightly on the shoulder.
It hadn't taken much to rouse him. "Oh, sorry," he said quickly as he sat up a bit straighter.
"No need to apologize. It's been a long night and probably a long day for you. I finished," she said with a smile. "Want to go see what it looks like?"
He, of course, did not return her smile, but she was used to this. "More than anything else," he replied. "Thank you for doing all this."
"Don't thank me yet," she said continuing to grin.
Pan wanted to be there to see his reaction though she was sure he wouldn't be putting on much of a show. She was satisfied with even the subtlest of facial cues that he often gave. She followed him to the small bathroom that was at least big enough to fit two people. She couldn't tell initially if it was his cup of tea, but he did run his hand through his hair a few times.
"This is nice," he finally said, "But it would take some getting used to."
As Pan looked at it in the mirror, she found herself falling in love with the new look. He didn't look like himself. He was someone else, someone who was ready to try new things. His eyes sparkled and his blond hair shimmered in the presence of all the strong lighting in the bathroom. His hair framed his face perfectly and softened his somewhat angular features. She wanted to run her hair through his hair, but she resisted the urge. She was quickly getting used to this new Auden.
"Seems thanking you wasn't too premature," he said turning to her. "I'm grateful, it's just like a professional."
"Oh," she said with a playful grin, waving him away, "A real professional would not have taken hours doing this."
"Even so." Pan watched the other reach for his back pocket. She hoped he wasn't taking out what she thought he was taking out. Her hopes were dashed when he took out twenty-dollar bills. Her eyebrows furrowed at this. "Not that it matters. You didn't have to do any of this. I was going to pay you either way."
"You don't need to pay me," Pan said with a lump forming in her throat. Were they friends or not? She hadn't asked for payment at all. That wasn't the reason she'd gone through all that trouble. Did he not see that? Or were they far less familiar with each other than she thought?
"I insist. It's the least I can do. You took so much time out of your day to help me on such short notice. I'm sure there were other things you probably would have much rather spent your free time on the weekend doing, but you still humored me. Not to mention, you really did a good job."
Pan frowned at this. "That's where you're wrong, Auden. There was nothing else I'd rather be doing. Any excuse to hang out with you for hours and hours is a time well spent. This wasn't some compromise for me. I wanted to do this out of the kindness of my heart and yet you cheapen all of it with money as if I need that for some sort of validation, as if you feel it's necessary in order for me to feel like this had any meaning or fulfillment at all."
"Sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel that way," he said putting the money away, but that wasn't enough to improve her mood. "I know we're friends and all that, but I don't want to wound up having you feel like you're being used. If I'm not giving you anything back in return, then that's exactly what I'm doing. Monetary compensation isn't a bad thing—it just shows my appreciation. I do appreciate that you did all this because you really wanted to. I knew that had to be the case or else you wouldn't have agreed in the first place. It's not something that you asked for, but this money was out of the kindness of my heart as well and I give it freely without resentment or hesitation."
Her lips were pursed now as she walked out of the bathroom with crossed arms. "Please keep your money." She heard a few footsteps towards her, but she forced herself not to look back. She wanted to make her utter annoyance abundantly clear.
"Sorry if I offended you."
"It's not if, Auden, you did."
She heard the other sigh wearily at this. "Well, then I'll know better what to do in a similar situation with you."
His tones sounded dismissive. Even if he apologized, she wondered if he was really understanding her point of view.
"I don't mean to rush you out, but it's getting really late. I can't remember the last time I actually stayed up so long after midnight."
"Oh," Pan said glancing at her cellphone. It was nearly 3:30 AM in the morning. "Guess it is a bit late." She noticed that the other didn't even begin to offer that she stay the night. He didn't offer the couch and he certainly wouldn't suggest they share a bed. None of this was surprising, but why was this suddenly rubbing her the wrong way?
He'd made his way past her and was putting away the things he'd taken out for her to style his hair. She bet having her stay hadn't even crossed his mind. He was too busy trying to clean up, making it so she hadn't been there at all in the first place. God forbid she left a lingering presence. Her eyes narrowed at this.
"What if I stayed the night?" Pan asked. Her arms were still crossed.
"That wouldn't be a good idea," Auden said without even bothering to turn to her.
"Why wouldn't it be? Are you tired of being around me? Have I worn out my welcome?"
"No," Auden replied as he continued his cleaning endeavors, but he eventually turned to her completely. There was a good distance between them and he did not even begin to bridge that gap. Pan simply stood her ground. She couldn't fully understand her annoyance knowing that Auden was just being Auden yet it was still there nonetheless. "Because I'm barely holding it together as it is." He leaned back a little on the chair behind him and there was a weariness in his features that she'd not seen before. She was already starting to regret her confrontational tones. "I know that sounds pathetic. Being so physically close to you for so long, for hours and hours, feeling your hands, even sometimes your breathing was unnerving. Even when I reminded myself over and over again that it was just you, it only slightly made a difference. I had to keep imagining that I was elsewhere, anywhere but trapped in a seat with someone relentlessly touching my hair. Then, at the same time, I liked that you were here with me and that I wasn't alone tonight as I spend most nights. I liked being able to talk to you instead of in a text where I have to imagine your voice. I didn't want that to end. I never want that to end. It's fine if you don't want to put up with me anymore. Most people don't and I don't blame them. I can hardly put up with myself half the time."
"I was being unfair," Pan began shaking her head. Hearing him say those things and confirming that he did not at all like her physical closeness made it more real. She'd been enjoying herself, but he'd been suffering the whole time. "I…didn't mean to make you feel that way."
"Listen," he said pulling away from the chair, "Stay if you feel you must. There's blankets and comforters in the hallway closet. I'm practically falling asleep on my feet at this point and I do have some things to take care of tomorrow so I apologize if this feels abrupt." He'd already began making his way towards the hallway—he'd made it there in just a couple of steps.
"Wait, I—you don't have to do that. I didn't want to make you feel like you need to do something you're not comfortable with."
"It's too late for that kind of talk, isn't it, Pan?" He'd paused in the hallway, "The last thing I want is for you to think I don't care. Make yourself at home," he said with a dismissive hand.
Pan was momentarily mute as she watched him disappear further down the hall. He was freely inviting her to stay—the very thing she didn't think he'd ever do, but somehow it didn't feel right. In all truthfulness, he wouldn't be completely at ease and Pan had told herself many times over that she didn't want to rush things with Auden. She really couldn't if she was being honest with herself. She wasn't used to the slow pace of their relationship or whatever one might call what they had, but wasn't this what she'd wanted? How many times had she fantasized about someone who was like her and who didn't feel the need to check off all the usual boxes to make it feel "normal"? She didn't think it was possible. Every person wanted similar things from a relationship: closeness, companionship, and trust. No one had the patience to ease into it and everyone needed those things quickly because those who were single seeking another were usually quite lonely people from the outset.
"Wait," Pan said again. She didn't think she'd been heard as she followed him back. His room was at the end of the hall and his door was wide open. Able to see fairly well into the dark, she saw that he'd already fallen onto the bed on his back. She stopped right outside his door knowing that she'd not been invited in. "Hey, I'll be heading back home—I think I like my bed a lot more," Pan said with a light chuckle.
"That's fine," he said wearily. His eyes were closed, he hadn't bothered looking at her.
"But you need to lock the door before I leave. I would hate to leave it open overnight."
"Think I'll survive the night," he murmured. He'd barely parted his lips to speak, but she'd heard well enough.
"Are you sure? I don't want you to be caught by surprise tomorrow."
There was no response to this. She waited and still there was silence. He was asleep, turned to his side and slightly curled. How she longed to join him on that bed. He was such a solitary person, she felt an even stronger urge to change this. Surely no one liked being that solitary even he'd admitted to that. Something told her, however, that cuddling was not on the table or if it was, it would be a very long time before he would tolerate it. She still hadn't decided if she was okay with this. She'd known these things—his aversion to touch, his aversion to physical intimacy—and yet she'd remained in his orbit. She couldn't decide if it was out of desperation or actual attraction. Maybe it was both.
She stayed at his door for longer than she liked to admit with her mind fantasizing what could be happening now. He was completely oblivious to it. He had no longings like that. He was fine just as he was. She eventually slipped out of the apartment and zipped across the sky back to her place. Even if she couldn't do all the things she wanted, she still felt that it had been a good day. Any time she spent with Auden was a time well spent.
Pan welcomed the next day with wide open arms. She had nothing in particular planned that day and it sounded like Auden would be busy, at least for part of the day. She'd contact him later. They'd spent a good portion of the night together—she didn't want to come off as too clingy. For a while, she thought about spending some time in the gravity room that Bulma had helped her create for herself once upon a time. It was her go-to time waster if she had nothing better to do and more often than not, she didn't.
Then she thought about Bra. Sending her text messages apparently wasn't enough; she'd never text back. By now, Pan had sent out at least a dozen over the past year inquiring how she was. Pan interpreted that as her needing space, but how long would that sentiment go on? Auden had brought up Bra a couple times in the past. He was concerned about her, but he didn't know her well enough to do anything about it, clearly hinting that she should check in on her. Of course, no one from the Brief family had said anything to her. They had their own little ecosystem, their own little world, and in many ways, they were quite secretive of their personal affairs. She wasn't part of their family even if she felt she was close friends with Bra.
There was really only one thing to do and she had the time now to do it. Pan closed her eyes as she sought out Bra's presence. It stood out from others. She was the only other female half-Saiyan out there after all. After pinpointing her, Pan took her time taking a steaming hot bath with bath salts and making herself a good, hearty breakfast. Finally, in the late morning, she took off towards Bra's relaxed ki signature. At least she wasn't stressed out. However, her mood was a different story altogether. It was a mixture of many things—too much for her to sort out.
Pan found herself at Malachi's place. She'd been inside many times before when Malachi was alive. She'd spent long nights there comforting him when there was no one else to do it. Malachi had suffered deeply here and he died here as well—it was strange that Bra would choose this place to be. Something told her that she wasn't simply visiting. It was beginning to worry her.
Pan texted Bra that she was standing right outside, but after waiting for almost thirty minutes, she knew her message would remain unanswered just like all the others. Maybe her phone was turned off. Pan had already flown over the gate so she proceeded to knocking on the large, wooden double doors to the mansion. She even rang the doorbell—nothing—but Pan knew she was inside. Finally, she tried the doorknob before doing anything more drastic. It was open. The door easily swung back on its hinges as if welcoming her in. "Oh," Pan said startled to herself. Her eyes took in the familiar sights of the house. It had been a long time. It brought back memories—she wasn't altogether sure she was ready for it. Any moment now, she'd turn the corner and find Malachi standing there. Maybe he was in the kitchen cooking some masterful dish. Or maybe he was in his living room watching some dark content exploring the depravity of the human condition. Maybe the television wasn't on at all and he was staring into the blank screen deep in thought. Or maybe the place was full of blaring music and he laid there sprawled in the center of the house enjoying the melodic sounds. Wait—was there music playing or was her mind playing tricks on her?
She followed where the sounds were coming from and walked up the spiraling stairs to the second floor. She was moving towards Malachi's room. The door to his room was open. When she peered inside, she found Bra lying on her back on the bed with eyes gazing vacantly at the ceiling. Her knees were drawn up and her arms laid spread out on either side, her fine blue hair spread out widely beneath her. Music was playing loudly from speakers she couldn't see. Currently something midtempo and somewhat smooth was playing. It wasn't Malachi, but Pan imagined it was something he would have liked. Bra hadn't so much as acknowledged her, but she'd now been standing there for over a minute.
"Bra?" Pan said trying to get her attention. She started moving towards her. Bra's eyes looked over at her though she still looked to be in some sort of trance. "What are you doing?"
"You're killing the vibe," Bra said with some annoyance in her tone.
"Killing the what?" Pan asked.
Bra sighed exasperatedly. She reached over to her phone which was on the nightstand beside her, pressed a button and the music stopped. "Aren't you a sight for sore eyes," Bra said as she sat up, pulling her legs a little closer to herself.
Bra's eyes roamed quite a bit up and down her body far more intently than what Pan was used to. She felt as if she was being evaluated for a modeling agency. Did her fashion today hold up to Bra's high standards? Pan seriously doubted it as she'd not put much thought into what she was wearing—a plain red shirt with some dark blue capris. This went on for a moment too long. Pan noted a strange interest in her bright blue eyes.
"Come over here already," Bra said patting the bed, "It won't bite you."
Pan wasn't sure what to make of her, but she wasn't too keen on sitting on that particular bed. "I don't know…" she said shaking her head.
"It's fine. I changed everything ages ago. I even got a new bed. Not that it really matters, if you think about it."
Pan hesitated a moment longer and then stepped over closer before officially sitting down.
"See, that wasn't so bad," Bra said with a teasing grin.
Pan's eyebrows furrowed a little at her. She seemed fine, cheerful even. Was she missing something? "Why haven't you been answering your phone?"
"I've had it turned off for some time now. I didn't really want to talk to anyone. This phone," Bra said holding it up so she could see better—Pan recognized it immediately before Bra uttered her next words, "it's Malachi's. I was finally able to get it back. It was taken in for evidence, but Mom was able to get it back for me. I haven't managed to look through everything—Oh, don't look at me like that, he wouldn't care if I did that. I did it all the time when he was alive. He told me his password and he never changed it; he didn't believe in using biometrics to unlock his phone."
"Of course he'd be totally fine with you snooping—he was probably too smart to hide anything juicy on it," Pan said with a grin.
"That's Malachi for you. Always five steps ahead of you. I haven't found anything interesting, not that I was really looking for that sort of thing. I just…wanted something of him nearby. I started looking through his fan mail. There's just a ton of e-mails—there was no way he was ever going to get through all those by himself. Now I can see why he was forever on his phone or laptop. I read them, sometimes I even reply—I tell them it's me, of course. It makes me feel so connected to so many people. It makes me realize how big the world really is. I kind of took it for granted. It makes me realize just how much he meant to so many others—I think it was selfish of us to keep his death secret from everyone. I know Quint isn't really to be commended, but I think it was still a good thing to do. All those celebrities that he effected, all those people that he inspired to pursue music careers of their own, all those people who'd fallen in love with him and his music. It's beautiful."
"You sound just like Auden," Pan commented.
"Do I?" Bra said with a grin. "How would you know? You've been hanging out with him?"
"Sometimes," Pan said unwilling to admit at this point that she'd been hanging out with him exclusively.
"I know that tone," Bra said teasingly. "Well, next time you see him. Tell him, I really appreciate the white rose—I liked how it shined even in the dark. I…think I understand what he was trying to tell me. From someone I don't know that well, that was really thoughtful. It's still in my room on the windowsill."
"I'll be sure to tell him, whenever I see him again."
"Uh-huh," Bra said clearly not fooled in regards to just how often she saw him.
"How are you doing? You look better than expected for someone permanently dodging calls."
"I'm doing as well as I can be. I haven't really been home in a while. I wanted to give Jensen all the space he wanted. I think this arrangement has been fine. We get to cool off from each other."
"Are you really okay staying in this house though? You could have just found a hotel or something."
Bra shook her head, "This is much better. Even better now that you're here."
"Don't try to suck up to me now," Pan said with a laugh. "Had I not come, you would have just continued being here alone."
"I haven't been in an especially social mood. I'm not really alone. Dad visits a lot even if we don't have much to say. I think I've spent most of my days blasting music from Malachi's playlists. You know Malachi spent a lot of time making those. It's not randomly generated—he actually placed songs he knew in deliberately and these are ridiculously long. It'd take over a month to listen to all of them straight through."
"Not surprising," Pan said. "You actually get him started on music of any kind, be prepared to get your ears talked off."
"That's when you cut him off and let him know that he's been on that subject for almost an hour. I thought it was cute. I was annoyed at the time, but still. I wish I could be that passionate about something in my life. But I've never found that thing that I clicked with."
"Everyone knows what your real passion is," Pan said looking at her now with a mischievous look.
Bra was mystified, "And what would that be?"
"Sex," Pan said with a laugh.
Bra started laughing as well. "I don't know if I agree. It's been a very long time since that happened. Even when he was alive, when things happened, he just wasn't into it near the end. It's no wonder, right? I wouldn't be either if I was in his shoes."
"You must have some sort of fever. Who are you and what have you done with the real Bra?"
"She's still here, but she's had far too much time to think about things."
Bra moved over to the side of the bed so that she could sit next to her. Perhaps she sat a bit closer than usual, but Pan chalked it up to her being by herself for so long—she didn't mind it.
"So you've just been in here jamming to music and self-reflecting?"
Bra nodded. "That's basically it. Nothing special. I haven't touched the kitchen and hardly anywhere else in here—besides the bathroom, of course. I just order out all the time and I like to stay in this room."
"Again—what have you done with the real Bra? You'd go stir-crazy sitting in one place for too long."
"It's different now," Bra said simply.
"I can see that."
"People do change."
Pan realized that the other had moved a little closer to her. Was she leaning towards her now? Pan had turned her head to look at her and she was presented with bright blue eyes filled with curiosity and a hint of playfulness. Then, the meager distance between them disappeared as if it hadn't been there at all and Pan felt lips upon hers, soft and inviting. Pan did not pull away, momentarily in shock. Her thoughts became too incoherent to sort through. She found her own lips pressing against hers. What were they doing?
She didn't want it to end as she began running on autopilot, responding exclusively to her ardor. How long had it been since she'd felt anything remotely like this? Her fervor surprised even herself. She was taken aback, however, when she felt the other's tongue in her mouth. Pan started to pull back, but Bra pressed forward.
"Not to your liking?" Bra asked, pausing for a moment and looking at her.
Pan looked at her mutely and shook her head no. Then they were going at it again. She couldn't find it in herself to protest. Something was stopping her from doing that. Her eyes were closed and she was enjoying herself. A slender hand slipped under her shirt and she felt soft fingers lightly running across her bra. Pan was finally able to regain some of her senses as this new sensation snapped her out of the trance.
"What is this? What are you doing?" Pan asked looking at the other fully now with eyebrows furrowed.
Her hand remained there gently massaging the silk material of her bra. She grinned at her. "I don't know really…I just felt like doing it and you haven't stopped me yet. Are you asking me to stop?"
Pan couldn't decipher her own thoughts once again, but this time her mind had become too jumbled. Another hand joined the other, playing with the silk material now.
"Yours was always bigger than mine. It's a shame you keep them hidden under ugly shirts," Bra said.
"Because showing them off was never a priority of mine." Pan could see that the other's eyes were on her breasts clearly interested in them.
Her hands were teasing and Pan wanted those hands on her bare skin. She wanted someone other than herself to feel them in their entirety. That thought had taken root and she was hard pressed to ignore it. She reached behind herself and unhooked the bra. The straps hung looser now. Those baby soft hands wasted no time cupping them into her palm. Bra giggled at this and Pan grinned at her antics.
"Is it everything you hoped?" Pan asked.
"Somehow when it someone else's, it's far more satisfying. I've always liked yours—so round and plump and so very neglected. If they were mine, I don't know if I could ever stop touching myself."
"Maybe it's a good thing that they're not."
"Do you like how that feels?" Bra asked giving her breast a nice squeeze.
"It's…nice," Pan said truthfully.
Bra leaned in again and Pan responded in kind, realizing that she was already missing her lips, warm and succulent. Her fervor increased and so did Bra's. They were so close now that they're breasts were pressing into each other. Bra's arms were around her, but Pan hadn't the presence of mind to do the same—they simply idled on the other's lap. They parted for a moment to catch their breaths. Pan had no idea how long they'd spent doing that. Bra's index finger ran slowly down Pan's lips as she wore a mischievous grin. Why did that make the heat flush to her cheeks? Pan's lips parted and Bra slipped in her wandering finger. Gently, she pushed it in and out and Pan's tongue wetted its surface. Her blue eyes grew soft as she did this. Pan had no idea what was happening—it was best not to think at all. There was a growing excitement she was beginning to feel. What was this? Bra slid her finger out, glistening now with saliva and then placed it into her mouth as she smiled broadly.
"Mmmm," Bra moaned and her eyes closed as well.
Watching her do this made her feel anxious. Knots and butterflies formed in her stomach. She'd never seen her like this before and she looked beautiful as always. She was so carefree and spirited and ever the center of attention. Pan couldn't take her eyes off her, admiring all of her physical qualities. What would this stunning woman want to do with her?
She was pulling at her pants now and her eyes looked at Pan questioningly. In most situations, Pan would be horrified, but she knew this woman—she'd known her for her entire life. What terrible thing could she do to her? She knew she was in no danger of being penetrated. There was nothing to worry about at all. Pan was sliding down her pants, but the anxiousness hadn't disappeared. It was an odd, queasy sensation in her stomach mixed with excitement and curiosity.
"Panties," Bra said as she tugged at this as well.
At this, Pan hesitated a little.
"Do you want me to stop?" Bra asked sensing the other's unease.
Pan shook her head no watching the other steadily. She pulled down the final barrier to her sacred grounds.
"Beautiful," Bra said with an encouraging smile. Her fingers felt for her opening now. "Do you mind?" she asked.
"I'll let you know if I do," Pan said surprising herself with her confidence.
Bra took away her hand and stood up before approaching the other. She placed her hands on the edge of the bed between Pan's opened legs and leaned forward—Bra wanted her to move back further on the bed and Pan did so. Then Bra joined her as well and she began positioning her. Pan's forearms were on the pillows now with her knees holding her up beneath her, and buttocks pointed outward horizontally behind her. Bra's hands felt the roundness of her romp before smacking it once and then twice.
"How about using some force next time, princess," Pan teased the other.
"My poor fragile hands," Bra said back in mocking tones, "But I've always wanted to do that."
Before Pan could reply she gasped at the first hint of wetness upon the lips of her vagina. The knot in her stomach loosened and a warmness began to spread. At first the tongue was tentative and explorative. Pan clenched the pillow a little harder each time a new part of her was touched especially as it passed over her clitoris. On second inspection, it stayed there longer twisting and turning. Pan couldn't help the sounds coming forth from her own mouth, gasping and moaning as if in pain. There was a tear in the pillow she was holding and that tear grew worse and worse as Bra continued relentlessly. Bra began humming and the vibrations only stimulated her further at which point Pan cried out in frustration. Something was coming, this feeling that she couldn't quite decide was good or bad. There was a strange pressure that was beginning to drive her crazy. Would there ever be some sort of release? How long had they been going at this?
Her tongue paused for a bit. "You're a hard woman to please," she said breathlessly.
"Keep going," Pan ordered.
The soft wet give of her tongue returned to her now throbbing region and Bra began on her again this time more vigorously than before. Yet as she did this, Pan did not feel the same response. It was beginning to feel annoying and tedious, that pressure beginning to fade.
"Alright—I've had enough," Pan said with a sigh.
"Are you sure?" Bra asked stopping again.
"Very."
Bra pulled back and Pan was able to finally relax and sit up normally. She looked over at Bra who wore a grin as she shook her head.
"I bet I could have done it, if you'd let me keep going," Bra said teasingly.
"Doubt it. No one's ever managed to do it."
"That sounds like a challenge."
Pan sighed. "It's impossible. I don't know if I even care."
"Such an ace thing to say. Even now in the midst of all this. You seem so unimpressed."
"This isn't so bad," Pan said with a grin, "Now when are you gonna' take your clothes off? You have me butt naked and you haven't even taken off a shirt."
"Let's change that shall we?" Bra said as she took off her shirt. She crawled a little closer to her after she was finished discarding every piece of clothing.
Pan found herself smiling at the other as she fully took in her petite form and her small, perky breasts. "Cute."
"I'm glad you think so. We can't all be etched out in muscle."
She was falling in love with her curves as her eyes passed over her again, but she'd always been drawn to the look of things. "How about I return the favor?" Pan asked after a moment.
"You're gonna' do the same thing with me?" Bra asked with a tilted head.
"No—that would be disgusting and unpleasant."
Bra made a face at this.
"But my fingers are quite adept," Pan said as she slowly inserted first her index, then middle, and finally ring finger into her mouth wetting it thoroughly. "I've done it to myself so much, I'm practically an expert. And I bet you'll be more responsive."
"Well, we'll see."
Bra sat down with her legs spread part apart and folded beneath her so that she was elevated enough for Pan to reach her area. Pan moved closer to her and began on her without further ado. She felt for her hole and traced out the shape of it. Then the massage began energetically sliding back forth upon the lips and tickling her clitoris. Pan could tell immediately that Bra was enjoying it and she was far more vocal about crying out in encouragement. Bra leaned upon her shoulders, her body rigid with excitement as Pan increased her pace. She began her insertion with two fingers and then with a third when she realized how responsive she was. Her body was shuddering against her.
"You like that?" Pan asked as she continued to pump her fingers.
"Faster," Bra demanded between pants.
This was still within her skill and with ease she increased her pace. Within moments as her cries became more desperate, hot liquid covered her fingers.
"That was easy," Pan said smugly as she retracted her fingers. "Pretty roomy in there."
Bra slumped against her now. "Yeah, well," she began as her quickened breathing slowed, "You try having two kids and see how your pussy fares after that."
"Sure it's not from all that dick action you prided yourself on getting?"
"Very funny."
"I still don't get the allure. You orgasm and all this weird fluid comes out. Then it's over." Pan was wiping her fingers on the bed.
Bra pulled back from her and sat up on her own. She placed her hand on the one Pan was wiping on the bed and brought it to her lips. "You're forgetting that it feels damn good." Pan watched as the other wiped off the remnants of the fluid with her mouth as she carefully brought it in and out of her mouth. "See, all clean."
Pan grinned at her. It wasn't long before they were kissing again. Bra's lips tasted saltier and Pan made a face at this. She wasn't particularly fond of the taste of Bra's orgasm, but it was short-lived. Bra pushed against her until Pan was lying back on the bed. Rhythmically, Bra began moving against her. She wasn't sure what they were doing at this point. Pan allowed her body to move in tandem. It was pleasant, relaxing even. They were winding down it seemed. Bra moved her face away and laid her head in the crook of her neck. She sighed exhaustively.
"Had enough?" Pan asked.
Pan felt the other's head bobbing against her in a nod. "You were a good sport," Bra replied. She rolled off of her and onto the bed. "Nothing like how it was with Malachi."
"Nothing is like how it was with him."
"That's true," Bra agreed. "Everything feels different."
"Doesn't everything just seem duller?"
"Extremely. I can hardly appreciate things, but at the same time I do because I know he would have wanted me to."
"He would want people to be happy, enjoying themselves."
"Maybe he might have joined us on this bed," Bra said through her grin.
They were quiet for a moment and then they both laughed at this.
"He would have loved that," Pan said good-naturedly.
"Such a lady's man—I doubt he would have declined the invitation if I was okay with it."
"He seemed to like surrounding himself with women."
"He preferred women over men and I kind of feel bad that I practically cut him off from all other women who had been in his life before. Those were his only friends. I was so insecure. Now it just seems so stupid."
"You weren't stupid, not entirely. He really sucks at picking good people to hang out with. And sometimes he's too naïve for his own good."
They were both gazing up at the ceiling stark naked lying on their back. Bra's hair mingled with Pan's. It felt comfortable. Talking about Malachi felt natural. He'd been on both of their minds.
"Did you love him?" Bra asked seemingly from out of the blue.
"I liked him." Pan wondered what the other was really asking.
"Was that really all? You never fantasized about him? You never wanted to actually be with him?"
Pan was quiet as words became stuck in her throat.
"You two would have made a great couple," Bra continued. "Maybe he would have still been alive had I just let go after nearly killing him the first time."
"Bra, don't do that to yourself. Anyone can come up with a dozen and one ways to avoid things after the fact."
"Just tell me, Pan. I need to know. I won't be mad, I swear. It's been driving me crazy just thinking about it."
Pan's eyes focused even more on the ceiling debating with herself whether she should be so open with her feelings. What would it hurt? Malachi somehow returning seemed like a pipedream at best even if she didn't want to stop believing in it. "Yeah, I liked him a lot, maybe more than I should have."
"I knew it. He could talk so easily with you."
"We did spend a lot of time together at some point. If you had actually seen how pitiful he was after you broke up with him, I don't think you would have let it go on for that long. He was spiraling and I found him in a very dark place…I don't think he ever left that place. I don't think it was entirely because of the breakup. Even with me, he didn't reveal everything about himself. I knew there was something else, something that had been there already."
"Something to do with Quint," Bra said, "Dad told me an interesting story about him and Malachi."
"I know they had a rocky relationship," Pan said, "He pretty much hated the guy and respected him as well for all he did for him."
"He ever told you why that was?" Bra asked.
"He was overbearing and wanted to control every aspect of his life."
"Quint used to beat him and lock him up in rooms without feeding him as a way of disciplining him as a kid."
"He was physically abused?" Bra asked surprised.
"Yeah, but Quint said he did it because he had no choice. Malachi was more than obnoxious as a kid, borderline insane, animalistic. He used to kill animals and pee on stuff in the house."
"What? That doesn't sound like him at all."
"I know, but I think I believe him. Things went too far one day—he got really sick and then he was just different. He doesn't seem to remember any of it or at least, his mind filled in the blanks with something else."
"That sounds awful. Imagine how traumatic that would have been especially as a child when you don't understand everything. It makes things ten times scarier. That's if Quint isn't just spinning some crazy tale to make himself look better."
"I really don't think he was lying. Dad said he didn't sense that from him when he was telling the story. What I don't get is why Malachi was like that in the first place? What made him like that?"
Pan shook her head. "I have no idea. Well, maybe I'll take a shot in the dark. Malachi, he's a deeply emotional person, but at the same time, he wants everything to make sense to him so he's forever trying to come up with ways to explain the unknown and confusing. No one really taught him how to do that and I can imagine, in the beginning, it would have been difficult. He could have seen something that didn't make sense and have been moved so powerfully by it that it shaped how he interacted with the world at large. No one told him it was wrong. No one until Quint."
"That…actually sounds like it fits. It makes perfect sense. Yeah," Bra said slowly digesting her words. "But if that's true…"
"Yeah, I know, it sucks. A shitty beginning, a shitty fatherly figure. Instead of growing up normally, he was on display all the time and had to play the part. At what point could he be completely himself? Did he ever figure out just who he was in the first place? He must have been so used to living such a fragmented life that maybe he didn't know how to be any other way."
"It's hard to think about. You're right—he was definitely fragmented. I kept accusing him of hiding things from me, but maybe it wasn't intentional. Maybe there was nothing devious about it."
"It's too bad those things never got resolved."
"It's like I said, he would have been better with you."
"Bra—
"I'm serious. I'm being dead serious. Malachi needed someone who would listen to him just like you said and you do it so well. You see things about people that I could never notice on my own. I was jealous at the time, but now, I really like that you guys got along. I don't know, maybe he loved you to a certain degree."
"He was infatuated with you. I don't think he ever saw me like that."
"I found a playlist on his phone titled Son Pan and there were a lot of soulful love songs on it—the music I was playing when you stepped in. That's how I knew. I never looked at his music before because we had differing tastes. Sure, I knew a few of his favorites, but that was it. Clearly he recognized that you would be good for him, but never acted on it."
"Aren't you stretching a bit? Just because of a playlist doesn't mean he really liked me like that."
"I would bet everything I own. Usually, if he knew that I didn't like him hanging out with someone, he'd stop. I never saw him hang out with Marron anymore, but you, he could never really stop calling you. You were the one person in which he staunchly refused to break contact with. We got into arguments about it. He would get up in the middle of the night, out of our bed and go to some quiet place in the house just to call you, like it was a necessity. When I caught him one day doing that and then told him no,—I was being such a bitch—he was pretty pissy for the rest of the next day. Then I just let it go, because I knew I could never win that battle. Don't you remember him still calling you even after we got back together?"
"Yeah, I do," Pan conceded, "I knew it was something you wouldn't like, but…I couldn't bring myself to just ignore him. I didn't think we were doing anything wrong. Well, surface-wise, but the things we talked about became so personal that I wondered if these weren't things he should be telling you. And every time I said 'you should talk to Bra about that' he would always say 'she wouldn't understand'. I didn't want to admit it at the time, but in the back of my mind, it did feel like a sort of an emotional betrayal. I mean, the only thing we weren't doing was being physical, but maybe you know this by now, but 90% of a relationship perhaps even more when it comes to asexuals is having a deep understanding of each other. That other stuff is mostly optional, some prefer it more than others. I tried to justify it by saying we were just friends, but I knew it was more than that even if neither of us would say it aloud."
"I'm not even upset about that. You're telling me that he was probably cheating on me emotionally and I don't really have a reaction," Bra said with a shrug, "Maybe it's because it was you. Maybe it's because I really had no idea how to completely understand him and I'm just glad he was able to have some level of that elsewhere. Maybe monogamy isn't all that it's cracked up to be and it's possible to love more than one person at the same time and it still be healthy."
"The old Bra would never say the things you're saying now. It's borderline controversial, you know. When you're with someone, you want that person to like you exclusively—let's face it, you like the attention and there's no way you would ever tolerate it being divided with someone else."
"That's the thing; I found myself changing being with Malachi. I found myself tolerating things I never would have in the past. I think it was a good thing. He was opening my narrow-minded views. I'd lived in my own world for so long. Then suddenly, I was stepping into his or, however much he felt comfortable with me stepping into. It was a slow-go and it was…painful. I made it painful because I could only see things my way. When you're in that moment, everything's so complicated. There were so many hurdles and obstacles in our relationship, but in the end, I just wanted to be happy and I wanted him to be happy as well. If he loved me the same way he always has and you were in the picture as well and that made him happy, in some alternate reality, I could see myself being fine with that. I would never have agreed to it back then when it counted, but now when it's all said and done, I don't see what the big fuss would have been. It's not like you two would have been boning each other."
"I never saw us truly together because we lacked that spark, the thing that makes you do silly, illogical things for that person," Pan said, "Like I said, he was infatuated with you, not me. If he was ever exclusively with me, I don't think I would have been enough. Maybe he knew that. Maybe that's why he never really pursued anything like that with me. The line between really close friends and asexual lovers becomes a bit blurry, even subjective. I also think that my family is very different from yours. I don't even live with them. I think part of the allure for him was feeling like he was part of a larger family—something he never had. I can't picture my father and Malachi being all that close. I don't know if they'd see eye to eye on things. He's very traditional and Malachi is anything but. I just don't see anything in their respective lives that they would connect on. Although, I do think my mom would have liked him, but, you know, most women like him so that's kind of a given."
Bra laughed at this. "He had no trouble talking with my grandma and everybody, including me, think that she's a little weird. One time, I found them watching movies together late at night and my grandma was doing most of the talking. I thought to myself 'of course'. If it's a woman, Malachi has no trouble getting them to open up."
"Even Marron and she's not the easiest person to like. She's so secretive all the time too," Pan said.
"You're telling me. But we all know that the easiest way to her heart is through money," Bra said with a laugh.
"True," Pan said with a chuckle.
Their laughs died down and for a moment they simply laid there in complete silence. It was a pleasant sort of silence. Pan began to ponder on the things stated before. Saying it out loud, her analysis of Malachi seemed accurate. What really stood out to her aside from the thing about Quint was that Bra was so open now. The things they'd done together not too long ago that she had instigated was something Pan would never think she'd consider. It had been fun and interesting. She liked it even. She felt closer to Bra than she had been in a long time. Did friends do these things? Could she still consider them friends? It was too complicated to put a label on.
"So you've been hanging out with Auden," Bra said breaking the silence.
"A little."
"Don't be coy."
"We talk on the phone sometimes," Pan admitted. Why was she blushing now? It was giving her away.
"Pan, let's not do secrets here. I've had enough of that for one lifetime. With Malachi I've just accepted it—it was a part of who he was—but it's not a part of who you are. So just tell me. I don't judge people anymore."
It was easy to believe that, Pan found. Something was different about Bra and the knot in the back of her throat eased away. "It's been shitty for a while. You know that better than anyone—
"Maybe it's the same. We both lost someone we loved deeply."
Pan didn't want to equate her pain with Bra's. It wasn't as if they'd had kids together, but she didn't argue with her. "Perhaps. I felt really alone and my parents didn't really understand. I mean, they were sympathetic, but they didn't really understand. They just hadn't known Malachi that well other than the fact that they knew I was a huge fan of his. I live by myself and it was just difficult to keep doing life. Then Auden called me. I'd told him to do that ages ago, but he waits until now to do it. I didn't hate him for it, I was desperate for some sort of connection with someone and I had a crush on him, a silly crush that I haven't told anyone about."
"Physically, he's your type," Bra said, "Everybody knows that you like the blond hair, blue eye type. Usually, though, their personalities turn you off quickly. And Auden, well he seems really mature."
"Very mature. I mean, out of my league kind of mature. And he's so smart. I think he's some kind of genius. Sometimes I wonder how he even sees me as his equal. Then there's the age gap."
"And the fact that he dated my mother once upon a time."
"He what?!" Pan asked.
Bra laughed at this. "Once upon a time. Mom told me a very interesting story about him. It's personal so I don't think I should repeat it."
"He never told me about your mom."
"Maybe he didn't think it was important. I mean, when I say long ago, I mean far into the past. It seemed pretty short-lived as well. I hate to say it, but my mom probably got around, if you know what I mean."
"Well, I wouldn't know. Your mom seems really nice."
"To people she likes, sure." She switched gears. "From what I could see at work, Auden seems pretty closed off. Is he like that with you?" Bra asked.
"Yeah, he is, but things are slowly changing the more I hang out with him. His mom passed away when he was in college and she cooked soul food. I think he's biracial."
"He is," Bra said, "And so are we in the most literal sense."
Pan laughed at this. "That's right, we are. As far as I know, he's completely human. He never talks about his dad so I can assume he wasn't part of his life at all."
"Good assumption," Bra said with a nod.
"He's asexual and I think aromantic. I'm not sure. I haven't actually asked him to tell me specifically what he is, but I know what he does and doesn't like. He doesn't like to be touched and he doesn't like touching other people unless it's absolutely necessary so no kissing or cuddling or anything of that nature. Sometimes I wonder if I'm alright with that. Sometimes I wonder why I keep continuing things with him if I can never do those things with him comfortably. I wonder why I still like him as much as I do and why I think he's so perfect."
"Because touch isn't that important to you either. The thing that you crave is an emotional connection and I think you have that with him," Bra said.
"You think so? I mean, he's so different from me. He's not all that adventurous. He likes computers and numbers and I like animals."
"Well, I don't know him that well, but there must be something about him that resonates with you or else you wouldn't still be talking to him. I've never known you to stay with someone you just didn't like. Maybe…he wants to be adventurous. Maybe you want to be more knowledgeable. Maybe he appreciates animals and maybe you appreciate technology."
"When you said that, it made perfect sense to me. You could be right. He made me a phone from scratch and I really love it. I've been liking it more and more each day."
"See? And with him being such a closed off person, it's a good thing that he's opening up to you. If anyone could do that, it's you. You're good at it. He probably needs that. Just like,"—Pan looked down when she felt Bra's hand intertwine with hers—"I need you."
Pan's eyebrows furrowed in confusion and shock. What was she saying? "I…don't know about this."
"Relax, no one asking you to choose. No one's saying that anyone's in some strict relationship. Everything's a bit up in the air. All I know is that I like that you're with someone who makes you happy and that I still want to hang out with you. I desperately need to hang out with someone who isn't myself."
"But let's say I was in a relationship with Auden. I mean, look what we just did, isn't that?—aren't I cheating on him? I should probably tell him about this."
Bra sat up, taking her hand away from hers and leaning back on her arms. "You can tell him whatever you feel you should tell him. I don't care what you do. Just let things go as they will, but I do want to hang out with you more, if that's alright. You being here today, made me realize that I've really been isolated for too long."
She was still so relaxed, not at all perturbed with the implications. Pan reached up and placed a hand on her shoulder. "Alright, Bra, let's just do it. I want to hang out again too, like we used to when we were kids. We were so inseparable then."
"I would like that, Pan, I would really like that."