Jalec || Shadowhunters || Jalec || A Bond Much Deeper || Jalec || Shadowhunters || Jalec
Title: A Bond Much Deeper – Jalec Secret Santa 2020
Fandom: Shadowhunters: The Mortal Instruments
Disclaimer: All rights to the Shadowhunters show reserved to Ed Decter, the books the show is based off and its characters belong to Cassandra Clare. This fanfiction on the other hand is entirely mine. No money is made with this, though reviews are more than welcomed.
Tags: m/m, vampire turning, blood drinking, angst, hurt/comfort
Main Pairing: Alec/Jace
Shadowhunters Characters: Jonathan 'Jace' Herondale, Alexander 'Alec' Lightwood, Isabelle Lightwood, Clarissa 'Clary' Fray, Simon Lewis, Luke Garroway
Summary: To make Jace obey him again, Valentine wants to get rid of the biggest obstacle: Jace's parabatai. Before Alec dies, Simon can save his life – but at what cost? How will Alec handle the blood-lust, being a vampire, the broken bond...? And what will Jace do?
A Bond Much Deeper
Jalec Secret Santa 2020
"C'mon, Alec. Don't die. Please don't die on me. Jace is gonna kill me."
Alec made a small, irritated sound. If he had more strength left, he would have given a snarky reply. After all, there were few things on this planet more irritating than Simon Lewis. However... Simon was right about this one. Alec was dying. There was no way around it anymore, even if Jace and Isabelle were on their trail, even if they came bursting through this door right now – they weren't going to have blood-bags with them and even runes wouldn't be quick enough to replenish what he had lost. He was fading away, he could feel it. He didn't have long to go.
"L... Listen. I know you won't like this idea, but... I could... I could turn you."
Alec groaned out and shook his head weakly. Becoming a vampire was out of the question. He was a Shadowhunter – he would be shunned from his own society. He would also lose his runes. His runes. His bond. He would lose Jace, what was life without the bond...?
"Jace and Izzy would be devastated if they lose you forever", whispered Simon softly.
Jace. Jace... Alec closed his eyes tightly, pressing down on the wound on his stomach. This was it. This was Valentine's ultimate attack on Jace. To take away his parabatai. Since coming back, Valentine had tried to lure Jace onto his side. But Jace's loyalty, above all else, was with his parabatai. The bastard had lamented on and on about how 'poetic' this was – as he drove a knife into Alec's stomach, hitting vital organs, but in a manner that would have him bleed out slowly. And then he threw him in a cell, with Simon Lewis. Leaving his son's parabatai to the same fate as he had left his own parabatai all those years ago. Die, or turn into a Downworlder.
"...D... Do it...", whispered Alec with much effort.
/break\
It was the day before Christmas and snow was gently falling onto the freshly turned ground. Within minutes, it looked like the grave had never been dug in the first place. No trace to be found, only untouched, pure, white snow. Like a last blanket to cover Alec. Jace's hand was gripping the handle of the shovel so tightly, his knuckles were as white as the snow. His other arm was wrapped around Isabelle, who had her face buried in Jace's neck, sobbing to herself.
Jace couldn't cry. He couldn't break down. He couldn't mourn.
Because all of those would mean accepting that Alec was dead. And... that was one thing he couldn't do. Because what was a world without Alec...? Entirely, fully without Alec? With Alec gone forever...? Feeling the bond break had been so jarring already, it was as though every part of Jace's being broke apart. Shattered like glass. He laid on the ground for hours, unable to move, clutching his parabatai-rune – or what was left of it. This wasn't a rune that simply faded away, it scarred over, a wrecked, pale remembrance of what it once had been.
Isabelle had slapped him out of it and made him get his act together. They needed to find Alec. However, by the time they found him – him and Simon, abandoned and left behind by Valentine and his men as they abandoned their last lair. All that was left was... so much blood, and in the middle of it, sitting, Simon... holding Alec's lifeless body. In all of his cruelty, Valentine had not simply killed Jace's parabatai, he had forced Alec into becoming a Downworlder. Jace was grateful to Simon, for turning Alec, for having the presence of mind to save Alec – even if not his life...
As long as there was even just the sliver of a chance that Jace could get Alec back – any part of Alec at all – he couldn't break down. He was going to stand here and stare at the fresh grave until either Alec was going to claw his way out, or Jace was going to fade away right here, at his parabatai's final resting place. Because there was no possible way Jace could go on without Alec.
For the last ten years of his life, Alec had been his rock. His guide. The one, safe constant. Regardless of what was happening in his life, regardless of how wild or dark his thoughts were, Jace could always rely on Alec to be there, to have him.
Now Alec was dead and it was Jace's fault. It was Jace's fault, through and through. His father had killed Alec, to cut the ties Jace had to the world, to throw him into a despair that will drive Jace back into his father's arms. It was all Jace's fault. If Alec was... not going to make it out of his grave, if it didn't take, if he didn't turn... Jace didn't know what he would do, how he would survive.
He lost track of time at one point, simply standing there in the snow, not even noticing the cold. His eyes stayed focused on the grave, even as more and more snow piled on it. Clary and Simon had come and gone, checked on them, brought them warm tea to drink. They had left again, because they didn't want to crowd in on Alec after he turned – Jace remembered Simon. The sensation had been new and overwhelming, the more people, the more overwhelming it would be.
Jace remained unmoved, simply staring at the ground, waiting. His skin was ice-cold to the touch by now, but he himself couldn't even feel the cold. All he felt was the absence of Alec.
"Jace...", whispered Isabelle, voice breaking.
So much time had passed. Too much time. He knew exactly what she wanted to say, but he silenced her with one look. She wasn't allowed to say it, saying it put it closer to reality and it wasn't allowed to be true. Jace couldn't live with Alec gone forever, he just couldn't.
The ground broke. The ground broke and Jace held his breath. He let go of the shovel without even noticing. A hand reached out. It was agonizingly slow, time seemed to stop. And then... Alec. Crawled out of his own grave, dirty, disheveled and disoriented. His eyes were wild and he snarled before trying to run off. Isabelle was faster, because Jace couldn't move, couldn't breath. A mixture of relief and terror overtook him as he looked at his parabatai, feral and unhinged.
"Alec! Alec, you need to calm down", pleaded Isabelle. "You're safe. You... Do you remember..."
"Jace", growled Alec desperately, his hand grasping his own hip, clutching the parabatai rune.
That finally tore Jace out of his stupor and he lunged forward. "Alec! I'm here. Right here."
"Jace." Alec's voice was a low hiss as his eyes found Jace. "Jace."
Not even the blink of an eye later, Alec was all in Jace's space, only a hair's breadth between them. Alec's eyes wide and intense as he grasped Jace's face with both hands, like he needed to make sure Jace was truly here. There was so much despair in his face.
"Why can't I feel you, parabatai?", asked Alec, followed by a whine.
"You... You died, Alec", whispered Jace gently, reaching out to also hold Alec's face. "Simon turned you into a vampire. You... You aren't a Shadowhunter anymore. No runes... no..."
"No bond", concluded Alec, voice breaking.
His grip on Jace tightened in despair and he leaned forward, basically wrapping all of himself around Jace, as though he was trying to pull Jace into him, to be a part of him once more. Jace wrapped his arms around Alec's torso, pulling him close.
"I know, parabatai, I know", whispered Jace, closing his eyes tightly.
/break\
Alec blinked owlishly as he looked around the house. He didn't know where he was. Simon had driven him, Isabelle and Jace here, in a blacked-out van. After a very long hug, from which he hadn't wanted to let his parabatai go. Throughout the entire drive, Alec kept Jace close, hugging him with at least one arm. It was utterly unsettling, not being able to feel Jace.
"Where... Where are we?", asked Alec confused.
His fingers were linked with Jace's, the blonde squeezing gently. The door opened and someone else joined them, Alec's head snapping over and he growled on instinct. Other people were too much, all he wanted to do was hole up somewhere with only Jace. An urge he had always had – not really having been a social creature to begin with – but it was amplified now. Amplified by the broken bond and by the strange, overwhelming headache Alec was experiencing. Every sense was sharpened and it felt as though he was constantly assaulted by scents and sounds and impressions.
"Relax, kiddo. It's just me. And this is my house, you know."
Luke. Luke was not a danger. Alec relaxed, albeit only marginally. Luke's house? Wondrously, he looked around once more. Everything was dusty, white sheets covering the furniture. No one had been here in years. How could this be Luke's house...?
"Clary called me, after they got you and Simon out. We took care of Simon and... I had an idea."
While frowning at Luke, Alec subconsciously pulled Jace closer. Close enough so the most dominant sound he could hear was Jace's heartbeat and so the scent that blocked out all the other scents – the other people in the room, the moth-balls, the dust, the stale air inside – was Jace. It was enough to relax Alec a bit more. He knew nothing better than Jace and nothing could sooth him more. The blonde relaxed against his chest, giving his hand a squeeze.
"We used to come here in the summer – Jocelyn, Clary and me", continued Luke, tracing covered furniture with his fingers. "It's far enough away from other humans. Which, I am guessing you're going to appreciate. And so will the... other humans. You need to be away from people for a while, until you get a grip. And I can't bring another vampire into the pack's territory."
"The first one was already a bad idea", muttered Jace beneath his breath.
"Of course it was, but where else was I supposed to put him?", chuckled Luke bemused. "He was a fledgling. He needed supervision, he needed training. I couldn't have put him here all alone."
"But you want to put me here all alone?", asked Alec doubtfully. "I... thank you, for the offer, Luke. I really appreciate it, but... I don't think that's a good idea."
"Oh no. No, it wouldn't be", agreed Luke. "But, as we just established, Simon living in the pack's territory hasn't been a good idea. He has a good grip on his control by now. I had plans on moving him here anyway, but I do think that roommates are a good idea."
"...Roommates?", echoed Alec, turning toward Simon.
"Oh my gosh, they were roommates", declared Simon with a broad grin.
"I have no idea what that means, but I resent the idea", grunted Alec gruffly.
"Alec", sighed Luke gently, resting a hand on Alec's shoulder. "You are a fledgling vampire. You need supervision and training. Simon is... your sire and he has mastered his control. Or would you rather go to Hotel Dumort, join the clan, hope that they will train you?"
Silence as Alec glared to himself. No. The clan was not an option. But being all alone was...not a good idea, in the back of his mind, Alec knew that. He also knew he needed training. But Simon?
"Parabatai", whispered Jace gently. "You won't be alone, okay?"
"Mh?", grunted Alec confused, turning from Simon toward Jace.
"I'm moving in with you too", assured Jace. "You need supervision. You think I'd trust Simon to supervise you? I'm coming along too, I'll... I'll be there for you, I'll help you through this, as best as I can. I will always be there for you, parabatai."
"What, no, Jace, you can't-", started Alec to argue in distress.
"No, I can", interrupted Jace pointedly, resting his free hand on Alec's cheek. "I can. I moved out of the Institute because it wasn't... safe anymore. I only... I only moved back into the Institute because you and my landlord broke up and I felt like that was kind of... awkward. And asking too much of him. But... it won't be a home without you, parabatai."
Again, Alec made a distressed sound. Only the warm, honest look in Jace's eyes stopped him from verbally arguing. His parabatai was ready to move into this house, away from the Institute, for him.
"Magnus installed a permanent portal, between the living room and my apartment in the city. It'll allow me to check in on you boys and it'll allow Jace to get to the Institute to work."
"Magnus...", echoed Alec surprised.
"Just because the two of you broke up doesn't mean he stopped caring for you", said Luke honestly. "You should talk to him, once you're all settled in. Not just into the house. Into your new being."
"Can... you tell him thank you? And... that I'm... alive", requested Alec.
"Jace is going to watch out for you, Simon is going to... train you, Luke will be checking in on you. I'm... I'm going to give you some time, okay? But please, contact me once you feel... up to visitors, brother", asked Isabelle with sad eyes before hugging him tightly.
"I... promise", nodded Alec, carefully hugging her back, before violently pushing her away.
He covered his nose, looking disturbed. He could smell her blood, feel it pumping through her veins. Quickly, he backed himself into a corner, as far away from Isabelle as possible.
"And that would be why we're going to wait with visitors", offered Luke with a deep sigh. "I'm going to give you a couple days to come to terms with things too, before we'll start training you."
"We?", echoed Alec, looking between Luke and Simon.
"Simon may understand the blood-lust in a way I can't, but... there are things about this experience that I shared too and that I can teach you about", replied Luke amused. "For now, settle in. Rest."
Alec nodded sharply in a jerky motion, his eyes once more wandering around the room. Rest...?
/break\
Jace had busied himself with cleaning up. He liked doing that; cleaning up, making things orderly, it had been something that he always perceived as soothing, even back when he was still living with Michael Wayland. It was something Michael praised, something Jace did good. That continued on with the Lightwoods – Izzy was a bit of a mess and Max would grow to be chaos incarnate, so the Lightwood parents were pleased by how neat Jace was too. He wanted to earn praise, to feel like he did good, like he earned his spot. Even beyond that, the rhythmic routine of cleaning up was inherently soothing to him. There was a lot to clean in this house, it had stood unused too long.
"There are only two bedrooms", noted Alec gruffly from the doorway.
"Yes. You and me share the master bedroom. Simon takes Clary's old room", replied Jace without even looking up. "Since we're two people, we get the bigger room, of course."
"...We", repeated Alec.
"You know what, this whole becoming a vampire thing has really turned you into an echo."
Jace sighed and looked up at his parabatai, both eyebrows raised. Alec just growled in reply and turned to look away from him. That, in return, made Jace sigh once more. He knew there was a lot to get used to, he knew that Alec was going through a lot of changes, he knew this was scary and unsettling for Alec, he knew that it was a lot to get used to...
"C'mere, parabatai", requested Jace gently, patting the bed as he sat down on it.
Again, the blink of an eye and Alec was as close as he could get. The two of them had always been close and never shied away from physical contact and intimacy, but something was different. It was like Alec was trying to crawl under his skin, trying to compensate for the broken bond. It must be even stronger for Alec, since all of his senses were heightened, and it was already torture for Jace.
"This was their house, Luke, Jocelyn and Clary. They never had use for more than two bedrooms. You and me, we're going to share this room, so I can keep an eye on you", explained Jace gently. "Besides, the fact that you haven't been farther away than two feet from me since you... came back... tells me that putting rooms and walls between us isn't going to fly with you anyway."
He grinned softly at Alec, taking his parabatai's hand. Alec turned and looked around the room.
"It's a nice room", whispered Alec thoughtfully.
"It is", agreed Jace. "Luke told me to just... box everything of his and Jocelyn's and put it in the attic for now, to make the place ours. I was thinking... candles would look really good over there."
Alec laughed. The first proper laugh. It made Jace feel warm and relaxed.
"You and your candles", muttered Alec, shaking his head a little. "But sure. Go wild. I don't care. The room already has the only thing I care about in it."
He looked at Jace, his eyes intense. More intense than usual. Swallowing hard, Jace tried to avoid Alec's gaze. He felt strangely hot. This was... unusual. Alec had never looked at him with this kind of intensity before. Intensity and... hunger. Jace's eyes widened.
"You need to feed!" With that, Jace was on his feet and on the way to the kitchen.
They had the fridge stocked with all kinds of blood for Simon and Alec, as well as normal food for Jace, courtesy of Luke. Bending down, he got what Simon had referred to as 'the good stuff' out to heat it up. By the time he straightened back up again, he bumped against Alec right behind him.
"...Parabatai, you do need to give me enough room to move", requested Jace with a soft sigh.
"Trying", muttered Alec frustrated. "I just... I can't feel your heartbeat in my chest anymore. I need to... I need to hear and feel your heartbeat, Jace. Please."
Swallowing hard, Jace tried to shake it off and continue on with his task. He filled a mug with the blood and put it in the microwave. Alec approached him from behind and rested a hand on Jace's stomach, startling the blonde once more. The touch was firm but gentle somehow.
"You should eat too", declared Alec. "I can hear your stomach rumble. When did you last eat?"
There was no point arguing that. He had barely eaten during the days they had searched for Alec and when the parabatai-rune had faded, he had thrown up what little content his stomach had. That had been nearly twenty-four hours ago now too. Still, his mind had been so focused on Alec...
"Be good and drink your blood", ordered Jace as he went for a sandwich.
Pre-made, boxed sandwiches. A post-it note on the box – Figured you haven't eaten either. Don't just take care of your parabatai, take care of yourself too – Luke. Smiling faintly, Jace opened the box and, making direct eye-contact with Alec, took a bite from it. Now that Alec was safe and was right here, he could eat once more. The microwave binged and Alec fetched his blood.
"It... smells alluring, but it's... blood and I can't get over that it's blood..."
"Close your eyes", requested Jace. "And imagine it's my hot chocolate."
That put a smile on Alec's lips and after a moment, he leaned in and took a drink. He made a face at the taste – torn between being pleased and being disgusted. Jace watched him closely while eating his own sandwich. They sat in silence as they ate and for a few more minutes after.
"It's late, you need sleep", declared Alec, eyes on Jace's face. "You look exhausted."
"You're probably right. Okay. Let's go to bed", nodded Jace.
He got up and led the way, though motioning for his parabatai to follow. Which Alec did without questioning. The silence stretched on as they got ready for bed – there was a small bathroom directly connected to the master bedroom. While Alec got ready in the bath, Jace went to poke his head into Simon's room and inform him that they were turning in for the night.
"How... is he?", asked Simon slowly. "I remember, the first day was the worst."
"I honestly don't know", whispered Jace, shaking his head. "I... I can't feel him anymore. I always knew what was going on inside of him, because I felt him and... This is messing with me, I can't imagine how much it must be messing with him, on top of being a vampire now..."
"He'll be fine" promised Simon.
"You can't know that", snorted Jace with a snarky look on his face.
"I'm fine", argued Simon, unusually somber. "I didn't think I could come back from it either. I may not understand that parabatai-bond that you two lost, but... even without the bond, he still has you. And as long as he has you, I know he's gonna be alright, Jace."
"Sometimes, you say surprisingly sensible things", noted Jace with a small smile before sobering up himself once more. "Thank you. For being here, for wanting to help him. For... saving him."
"The guy may be a pain in my ass, but I still don't want him to die", huffed Simon. "We may all have been forced together through circumstances, but we're... friends."
It took Jace a moment and he was already half-way turned back. "...We are."
When he got back to the master bedroom, Alec was impatiently pacing in front of the bed, as though he had physically restrained himself from following Jace. The gesture was appreciated; Jace truly understood why Alec was this clingy. He... himself felt just as clingy, if he was being honest. Not feeling Alec through their bond anymore was like a part of himself had died.
"Good night, parabatai", whispered Jace as he crawled under the covers.
Alec remained quiet as Jace turned off the lights and only in the dark did he reply. "I'm not. I'm not your parabatai anymore, Jace. I'm not a Shadowhunter anymore. I... I'm not..."
Jace could hear him taking a shaky breath and finally, it came. Alec broke down. Ever since he had crawled out of his own grave, he had been tense and defensive, but he had yet to break. Jace was quick to wrap his arms around him and pull him as close as possible.
"I don't care. I don't care", whispered Jace. "You will always be my parabatai. And I will always be there for you, I'm not going to leave you, Alec. I can't imagine a world without you at my side."
Sobs wrecked Alec's body as he clung onto Jace, crying. Crying over the loss of his own life.
/break\
The blood-bags were gross. However, there was one source of blood that was calling to Alec. Jace. He smelt so divine, it made his mouth water. Especially whenever he was close to Jace's neck – like at night, when they would sleep entwined, an entanglement of limbs.
Never would Alec had thought he'd get to go to bed with Jace like that, to sleep with his parabatai in his arms. To wake up with Jace in his arms. Yet... these were not the circumstances he could have ever imagined. He was a vampire now, he was no longer Jace's parabatai. No longer a Shadowhunter. And all of that was messing with him so much, he couldn't even fully enjoy holding Jace like this, not the way he always pictured he would. Closing his eyes, he buried his nose in Jace's hair, inhaling that intoxicating scent. It was downright addictive.
For the first three days, Alec basically didn't leave his bed. Jace and Simon allowed it, they knew he had a lot to digest. They made sure he drank enough blood and Jace rarely left his side.
"You wanna leave the bed today?", asked Jace hopefully.
"No", growled Alec, wrapping his arms around Jace's waist.
"Alec. I can't let you lay here too long", whispered Jace softly, running his fingers through Alec's hair. "I can't let you slip into depression. There's a fine line between digesting and depression. Spar with me, parabatai. Get some fresh air and movement, mh."
For a long moment, Alec simply stared at him, before he caved. Jace was right. He couldn't stay in bed forever. Jace was already doing so much for him. Sighing, he got out of the bed and followed Jace outside. The sun had set but there was still enough twilight to illuminate them. Sparring with Jace was good. It was a routine he understood, he knew. There was nothing Alec knew better than Jace's body. The two went at it hard for over an hour and Alec nearly forgot he was a vampire. It only came crashing back on him when he had Jace pinned to the ground – he had the physical strength of a vampire now, he could even overpower Jace – and Jace was laughing at him, throwing his head back in laughter in a way that bared his neck. Alec's fangs popped. The laughter stopped.
"Parabatai?", asked Jace slowly. "Are you alright?"
"You smell so good. I can smell it", whispered Alec, leaning in closer and closer.
"...You... think you'd keep it down?", asked Jace more seriously.
"What?" Alec looked up, startled.
"I saw you throw up most of the blood you drank in the last few days. Do you think that if you had fresh blood, you might be able to keep it down?", elaborated Jace, baring his neck more.
"Maybe", whispered Alec longingly. "I've never smelt anything more... delicious..."
"Well, I have always known I'm a snack", declared Jace cheekily.
"Jace", growled Alec pointedly. "Please."
Sobering up, Jace nodded. "If... you think you can keep it down."
Jace's eyelids fluttered shut and he relaxed in Alec's hold as he felt the teeth scratch on his neck. The fangs pierced his skin and Jace shuddered violently, gasping. Something overcame him, a pleasurable sensation. He was moaning softly as Alec sucked his blood. Jace clung onto Alec, holding on for dear life as they were one, in a way Jace had never imagined. It wasn't like the parabatai-bond, it was entirely different, yet all the same, Jace felt closer to Alec than ever before as the vampire's fangs were deep inside him and they were holding each other.
"Jace", growled Alec, chanting nearly frantically. "Jace, Jace, Jace, Jace."
"A—Alec", groaned Jace, nails digging into Alec's biceps.
Only as Jace's grasp loosened did Alec pull his fangs out of Jace's neck, because he noticed he was drinking too much. Not even in a primal state of mind would he endanger Jace. Gently, he licked over the bite-marks. He pressed a soft kiss against them as they healed already.
"Thank you", whispered Alec, his breath hot against Jace's neck before he kissed it again.
"Hng..." Jace didn't manage more, he just stretched out exhausted.
"A... Are you alright?", asked Alec concerned. "Did I drink too much? Do you want me to get Lewis? Or someone else? Or-"
"Sh... Just... sh... Gimme... a minute... just... a minute..."
He grabbed Alec by his collar and pulled him down so he could rest his head on Alec's chest. The vampire blinked a couple of times before wrapping an arm around Jace's waist, pulling him close.
/break\
Jace sat at the kitchen table with Isabelle and Clary, eating dinner together. Isabelle, Clary and Luke had come, with a huge meal, so Jace would eat something warm again for a change. Alec was outside with Simon and Luke, training. A daily thing by now. Learning to control his rage, his instincts, his hunger, his strength, his speed.
"I don't know how to say this the right way, so I'll just... say it as it is: Are you okay? Are you being safe? Because this... feeding thing you and Alec are doing, it's dangerous."
There was no judgment on Isabelle's face, just concern. Because she had been through addiction with Raphael. Jace blinked a couple of times and shoved more mu shu into his mouth.
"I'm not addicted to the venom. And I know that's what an addict would say, but... look at me and tell me if I look addicted", requested Jace, motioning at himself. "He's feeding from me. And I admit... the venom does feel good, but... I'm not addicted to it."
His sisters stared at him, both, very closely, trying to see any of the tell-tale signs. They weren't going to find them. Jace figured that out days ago. He smiled at his sisters reassuringly.
"I figure the venom is... more like alcohol. Some drink and have a good time, occasionally. Others... slip into alcoholism and get addicted. I'm just... enjoying it", replied Jace gently. "Thanks for worrying about me, but I'm fine. And... it's helping Alec. He seems to be able to keep down my blood better than the bagged blood. For now, I just really need him comfortable."
"Are... you going to come back to the Institute then?", asked Clary carefully.
Jace took a moment to mull that question over. "I guess he might be good enough that I can be away for a couple hours, yeah. I do want to help finding our bastard of a father."
"How... are you doing?", wanted Isabelle to know. "Everyone's very focused on Alec and how he's coping with having... died and all. And of course we are. But... you lost the bond and I know how much your bond meant to the both of you."
Crossing his arms over his chest, Jace leaned back. His eyes wandered back to his parabatai.
"I honestly don't know, Iz. It's like someone carved my heart out of my body with a blunt knife and now I have to look at it, out there, away from me, and sometimes I don't know how I can keep going without it at all", whispered Jace, voice breaking. "Other times, especially when... when he's feeding, or when it's night and it's just us, as close together as can be, I feel like... I could be okay with this, we could be okay with this."
"I really hope you will", whispered Clary with worried eyes.
"So do I", muttered Jace in a forlorn way.
/break\
Jace was sprawled out beneath Alec, making those delicious little sounds, his head thrown back, one hand in his own hair, running through it absentmindedly, while the other rested against Alec's chest. To push him away if Alec drank too much. Yet the two of them had the perfect balance with each other. Alec loved the taste of Jace – but he loved Jace far more; he would never drink too much, never hurt his parabatai intentionally. Pulling out, he gasped, before gently licking the wound, licking off the last leaking blood before the wound started healing. Alec kissed the place before rolling over and laying next to Jace. The blonde sighed contently and snuggled up to him.
It was insane just how used Alec had grown to their new life, to their new routine. To living here, in this house, sharing a room – and a bed – with Jace, drinking from Jace, training with Simon and Luke. He was so settled in that even Max had come to visit; they knew they could trust him with humans now. He could control his hunger, he also drank enough to not be starved and pushed.
Being like this with Jace helped with the loss of the bond. It didn't make up for the loss, because nothing could ever replace feeling Jace's soul as an extension of himself, having his parabatai's heartbeat in his own chest, knowing what Jace was feeling, never feeling alone because there was always Jace's presence in his mind. However, now Alec had one thing he never had before. He had Jace right next to him in a manner the two had never been together in the past – sharing a room, a bed, falling asleep with Jace in his arms, waking up with his face buried in Jace's chest. Simply living with Jace – yes, with Jace and Simon – but it was still incredibly domestic. He had never lived away from the Institute before, he was so used to all those people, to the work-atmosphere. It had never felt normal or comfortable, not like this. Waking up with Jace, sharing breakfast in their little kitchen with Simon, doing... household chores.
It was how Alec had kept busy, especially in the first phase after he had gotten out of bed again for the first time. Cleaning up the entire house, slowly, every detail, every nook and cranny.
Nowadays, he read a lot – there were large shelves filled with books in the living room, because Luke used to read a lot during summer out here. Alec had even done some... bonding... with Simon. Watching movies, learning about mundane internet. One thing Simon did not need to know was that Alec appreciated The Lord of the Rings, because there was a pretty, blonde archer in it. Nice.
One of the most shocking things for Alec was how casually gays were used in TV shows, he had even watched a couple gay romcoms with Simon – because the guy loved romcoms. A whole movie, about two men falling in love. Just that. Alec was under no illusion about how accepting the mundane society was, he knew homophobia was still very much real and it varied in different countries. But something like this? Casual entertainment? To be just... gay?
"I don't wanna get up", grumbled Jace into Alec's chest.
"Fake sick and stay home with me", whispered Alec gently.
He ran his fingers along Jace's arm, a ghost of a touch. This was one of the things that had changed since Alec had changed. The sharing a bed was one aspect of it, but it was more than that – there was a gentle intimacy between them, unlike anything they used to have before. Yes, they had never shied away from touches, their hugs had always been full-body contact, but they were fueled by emotion – sadness, excitement. Something prompted those hugs. Now? They gravitated closer and closer, they touched at every opportunity given, trying to make up for no longer feeling each other mentally. Just like now, instead of simply laying on the same bed, they were laying in each other's space, Jace's head on Alec's chest, Alec's arms around the blonde, gently caressing him.
"I can't", huffed Jace amused as he sat up and stretched. "Some of us have to work still."
"Or you could just stay here", countered Alec, voice soft. "No more Clave, no more..."
"Maybe once Valentine is behind bars", laughed Jace amused.
Maybe. Yet Alec was completely serious; the Clave had turned its back on Jace and abandoned him after the reveal that he was Valentine's son, the Clave had dropped Alec like a hot potato now that he was a vampire. However, Jace, he was still a Shadowhunter – and Alec knew that Jace would not rest until Valentine was taken care of. But what was he coming back to? To the people who didn't care for him, used him? Alec didn't know what he wanted to do with his life yet, but he knew that Jace needed to stay a part of him. And he also knew that... after everything that had gone down in recent weeks, the Institute wasn't where Jace's future laid either. He knew Jace well enough. The DoA order, incarceration in the City of Bones, being interrogated and mistreated by Aldertree. All his life, Jace had thought that the one thing he definitely had was being a respected Shadowhunter – now he knew the Clave didn't care, even after everything.
/break\
"You know that the Law does no longer apply to you."
Alec looked up, startled. He had, once again, gotten lost just watching his parabatai. They were having a late barbecue, Luke at the grill. Alec stood with him, helping – or, well, getting distracted watching Jace. The blonde was laughing at something Isabelle had said. Isabelle and Clary were in the middle of setting the table, while Simon and Jace were finishing up the salads.
"W... What?", asked Alec distractedly.
"You are no longer a Shadowhunter. You... and Jace... are no longer parabatai. You do not abide to the Clave's strict homophobia and you are not by Law stopped from being with him."
Alec chose not to answer, instead he swallowed hard. Simon had shown him a lot that the mundane society was far more accepting of queer relationships; the nerd had even threatened Alec that he would have to go to a Pride Parade with Simon. The shocking thing was that this didn't sound as dreadful as it used to. Alec had genuinely grown fond of Simon, as a friend.
"I don't want to tell you what to do, but this feels like something you might not have considered yet, because the Law and the parabatai bond have been a part of your life for so long now", whispered Luke gently, resting a heavy, comforting hand on Alec's shoulder.
"Why would he... I can't tell him, what if he... He's not...", started Alec, over and over again.
"The two of you are closer. Closer than parabatai", offered Luke. "He loves you. Whether he is in love with you or not, he does definitely love you and not returning your feelings would never chase him away. Look at him, look at everything he's done for you since you became a vampire. He didn't just not... drop you when the bond was severed, he is here, every day."
Luke paused for a moment, pressing his lips together. "I had a parabatai once too. And I saw how things between your father and the real Michael Wayland had come apart too. Being parabatai... it's a choice, the bond is not something ultimate, it's how you treat each other. What you and Jace have, it's far more than just the parabatai-bond, the two of you have your own bond, one that goes beyond that, one that truly ties you together forever, even now that the parabatai-bond is severed."
Alec had never really thought about that. He liked to pretend that the majority of it all was their bond, but he had forgotten that... sharing the parabatai-bond did not guarantee anything. It really did depend on the people who shared that bond and Alec and Jace, they... they had that.
/break\
Alec had avoided talking to Jace about any kind of feelings, even as they finally caught Valentine and had him safely transported to Idris. Though Alec had no intention of working with the Clave, he had joined Luke and Simon in backing the others up, because he would always have his parabatai's back. That evening, they fell into bed together, curled together into an entanglement of limbs.
"I broke our oath", whispered Jace, completely unprompted. "I let you die without me by your side. We were supposed to die together, side by side. But you died alone, without me."
If Alec had to guess, he'd say Jace was currently running through everything that had happened in the past months. The look in his eyes was far-off and mournful. Alec wanted to kiss it better, but just before he hit Jace's lips, he adjusted directions and kissed Jace's forehead.
"That's not your fault. Valentine killed me to hurt you, but that does not make it your fault, it makes it Valentine's fault", assured Alec, voice not leaving room for arguments.
"That's not where I was heading with that. I know this is an argument we will never agree on", sighed Jace, lifting his head to look at Alec. "I mean that you died and we made a vow. I'm not going to leave you again, parabatai."
"Where... are you heading with this, Jace?", asked Alec confused.
"I've been thinking about this, for weeks. Since you crawled out of your grave. But I couldn't voice it, not while Valentine was still out there. I want you to turn me, Alec."
"What? No. No, I'm not-", growled Alec, physically recoiling from his parabatai.
"I'm not going to leave you alone again, parabatai", interrupted Jace firmly, staring Alec dead in the eyes with all the seriousness he could muster. "I have maybe another, what, fifty years? Sixty? And then I'm going to die. That's inevitable for humans. You... You're immortal now, Alec. And I will not leave you alone for eternity. I will always be with you. I'll follow you anywhere. Even into death."
Luke's words from a few weeks ago came back to Alec at that. What they had was more than the bond, more than Alec could possibly grasp. But to hear Jace say this, so casually – no, it wasn't casual in a thoughtless manner, but like... there was simply no doubt about this. As though it was a fact. Like 'the sky is blue', in that same manner did Jace say 'I will follow you into death'.
"I love you so much", whispered Alec, swallowing hard.
"Of course. I love you too, parabatai", replied Jace with a smile.
"No. No, Jace. I love you with my whole being, I am in love with you, I love you in every way you could love, in any definition of the term. Tender, gentle, passionate, romantic, as my best friend, my brother in arms, half my soul. Your arms are my home, it doesn't even matter that this house was empty, cold and covered with dust when we moved in, because I was home as long as I was with you. Jace... there are no words for how much I love you. No human measure for it."
Mismatched eyes stared at him and Alec could see Jace's Adam's apple bopping as the blonde swallowed hard. Neither of them broke eye-contact, they simply sat there, together on their bed, in silence. Dusk was painting the room and the outside world in a soft grayish purple. It was okay. Somehow, over the past months of being a vampire, Alec had learned a lesson or two about patience. He knew what he had just confessed was a lot and not something that could be so easily digested. Smiling, Alec simply sat there, getting lost in Jace's eyes. He loved this man so much. He loved everything about Jace, he couldn't believe all they had been through – in all of these years, but especially lately, ever since he had died. Jace didn't abandon him as a vampire, spent all this time with Alec to help him get comfortable with what he was now. He wouldn't now either.
"Maybe that's what you'd call it", whispered Jace in a wondrous voice. "I... never thought of naming it anything. It was always just... a part of me. You were always just a part of me. I... thought that... it was the bond. But the bond is gone and I still feel that way."
"W... What way?", asked Alec tentatively, nervously – hopefully.
"Home", replied Jace, echoing Alec's sentiment from before.
Jace swallowed, his eyes dropping from Alec's eyes to his lips. Alec held his breath, stunned.
"I've never been in love before", continued Jace. "I never thought about what makes being in love different. I always just thought of you as different. That this is... you. Just... you."
"Jace-", started Alec, his voice pleading – pleading Jace to not give him hope.
"Alec", countered Jace, putting all of his conviction into the name.
"I love you. More than... anything. I can't imagine living even a day without you in my life, but... I can't turn you into a vampire without you knowing how I feel. I didn't tell you to push you into answering, or making any kind of decision at all. I just wanted you to know."
"Stop playing the martyr, Lightwood", sighed Jace and grasped Alec's collar. "What? You think I would tell you what you want to hear? Have I ever? Alec, I would give my life for you. I love you more than anything. I want to spend eternity with you, I want to be with you, Alec. In any way. I'm... happy with what we have right now, I feel so... I love being in your space, whatever way."
He started pulling Alec closer by the collar of his shirt, very slowly. The vampire didn't fight him, instead, Alec laid his own arms around Jace's waist to pull him closer too. They met in the middle, their lips meeting for the first time. It was a gentle kiss, filled with years of love.
"Forever?", whispered Alec against Jace's lips.
"You and me against everything else. Always", promised Jace.
"...But you're not drinking from Clary's neck", grunted Alec after a moment.
At that, Jace laughed, wrapping himself around Alec and leaning in, resting his forehead against Alec's shoulder. They knew the extra-angelic blood in Jace's veins was what had turned Simon and Alec into Daylighters. If Jace was to be immortal, he too had to be able to walk in the sun, right next to his parabatai. The only way for that was the only other person with extra-angelic blood – Clary. And while Alec had, generally, gotten used to Clary and had accepted her as Jace's (very annoying, if he may add) little sister (even now that they had learned the truth about Jace not being a Morgenstern), he had experienced just how intimate and passionate the act of drinking from someone's neck really was. When Jace pulled away from him, Alec was openly pouting.
"You're cute when you pout", declared Jace as he kissed Alec.
Alec made a little sound at that. This was now something he got to do? Kiss Jace...?
/break\
Taking the bite was the ultimate retirement. And the ultimate middle-finger to the Clave. Or so Jace had thought. After actually going through the change though, laying exhausted and sick in bed, curled together with his head on Alec's lap after having thrown up another blood-bag...
"You still have training with Simon to look forward to", whispered Alec teasingly.
He was running his fingers through Jace's hair in a soothing manner, though Jace groaned. "Why? You're a vampire. You can teach me whatever."
"What? No. I can't possibly. I'm still a fledgling vampire myself. You too should benefit from learning from a more experienced vampire", drawled Alec, mischief dripping from his words.
"You know. I feel like I should feel insulted by this, even though the words were a compliment."
Jace blinked blearily up at Simon, who had just entered their bedroom, carrying a mug. "No—o."
"Yes. You threw up the last one. You gotta eat. We can't risk you getting hungry and running around out there, causing problems", declared Simon seriously. "And since you don't have the benefit of your own live-in blood-donor, you gotta get used to bagged bloods quicker than Alec."
Simon sat down with them, a judgmental look on his face. How had the mundie become Jace's best friend outside the Lightwoods? He had honestly thought that living with him would be an annoyance he put up with for Alec's sake, but the three of them worked well as roommates. Especially on Alec's bad days, when Jace felt lost but hadn't been willing to leave the house yet, he had been able to rely on Simon. For always talking so much nonsense, Simon also knew when he needed to be quiet. Simon looked concerned as he searched Jace's face.
"I'm fine. Stop worrying. Alec already worries enough for ten", grunted Jace gruffly.
"Right. Of course. Nothing can knock the great Jace Whatshisname off his feet, not even death."
Jace threw a pillow at Simon, which the... the other vampire – because Jace was now a vampire – caught, laughing. While Simon put the pillow back down on the bed and left the room, Jace tried to taste the way those words laid on his tongue. He was a vampire now. That was his new reality.
"Dying wasn't as bad as when the bond broke", mused Jace thoughtfully.
His hand was on his hip, where the parabatai-rune laid. Just dead mundie ink, but Magnus had known a warlock who could tattoo even the super-healing factor of vampires, giving Jace and Alec their parabatai-runes back, even just in a symbolic sense. There were so many things that Jace was grateful to Magnus for. He was also glad that Alec and Magnus had, albeit awkwardly, overcome their breakup and developed a solid friendship since Alec became a vampire. Being immortal, it might actually be nice to have some immortal friends around. And Magnus had already repeatedly proven how far he was willing to go for the people he cared about.
"Can't account for that. I lost both my life and the bond", drawled Alec dryly.
It took Jace a moment before he laughed. "How can you joke about this-"
The grin on Alec's face was pleased before he leaned in and kissed Jace softly. "There you are."
"Mh...?" Jace looked a little lost and he instinctively tried to follow Alec as he leaned back.
"Seeing you, just... laying there. Hearing you laugh like that... makes my heart flutter."
"You're dead. Your heart can't flutter. Don't be so cheesy. You've been watching too many romcoms with Simon. That's it. You are on a no-romcom-diet starting now."
Grinning, Alec leaned down once more to gently kiss Jace's lips. That shut Jace right up. The look on Alec's face, so open and warm and soft. Filled with so much love. Jace reached his arms out around Alec's neck to pull him right down into a third kiss. The touch was tender and slow, nearly lazy. Drawn out, enjoying every moment of it.
"Forever", whispered Alec against Jace's lips.
"Always", promised Jace with the smallest smile.
~*~ The End ~*~
Author's note: My contribution to this year's Jalec Secret Santa - MERRY CHRISTMAS, SHIVA! I cherry-picked among the things you gave and I hope I hit them right, I sure had a lot of fun writing this! ;)
And a merry Christmas and happy holidays to everyone else reading this!