J is for justify

Two girls sat in a church one sticky summer afternoon.

Lorna shifted herself upwards as Nicky tugged down the ugly khakis that hid the legs she'd always been so proud of on the outside. She couldn't focus on the way Nicky's hands roamed her waist or the way it felt as her wild mane of hair brushed against the bare skin of her thigh. As Nicky's hand grazed her hip, fingers slipping underneath the side of her panties, she sighed.

"You know, it's not that I'm not faithful to Christopher, it's really not. He's my world, don't ya know? But everyone needs a little human contact. He understands that, my Christopher...that's why it's not cheating."

"Baby," Nicky said, resting her elbow on Lorna's leg. She looked up. "You don't always have to justify yourself. Not to me, anyway." She cocked an eyebrow. "Just let yourself enjoy it, mmkay?"

An embarrassed smile played on Lorna's lips. "I'm just explaining is all…" she cleared her throat. "I wouldn't want you to think I'm a whore or nothing."

Nicky laughed, holding her hands up above her. She winked at Lorna, a playful smirk crossing her own lips. "Who'd think you're a whore? You're in church!"

"Christopher, he-"

"Lorn," Nicky said through gritted teeth. The Christopher talk was getting very old, very quickly. "You're really killing the mood here." She rested a hand on Lorna's thigh, blowing her bangs out of her face. "Will you shut the fuck up about Christopher?" Nicky sang his name mockingly.

Lorna crossed her legs, withdrawing from Nicky. "You don't need to be rude, Nichols."

Nicky suppressed a sigh, resting her chin on her hand. "Well, you don't need to be a tease," Nicky retorted, resenting how much like a teenage boy she sounded. "Yakking on about Christopher whilst you beg me to want you with your panties round your ankles. No wonder they call you Lorna la loca."

She jutted her chin out, awaiting an equally biting response from Lorna. Instead, the brunette pulled up her pants, pawed at the tears Nicky had only just noticed falling, and fled the chapel before Nicky even had the chance to regret her words.

No. That wasn't true. Nicky had regretted them as soon as they left her lips - she regretted even thinking them, despite the air of truth they had. The blonde scraped her hair back, sighing as she rubbed a hand over her forehead in frustration.

Lorna could be crazy. But that wasn't anything she ever disputed - and besides, she didn't need reminding of her flaws. No-one did. Nicky hauled herself to her feet, feeling heavier and more frustrated than ever. She brushed the dust off from her uniform and headed for the door.

Lorna might have been crazy, but she was also kind. She thought about others. And most importantly - she loved Nicky. Nicky knew she did. Yet Christopher was the one thing that could burrow under Nicky's skin more than anything with her.

It would have almost been better if Lorna had hurled insults back. Liar. Junkie. Addict. But she hadn't. She'd walked away - away from Nicky, just like every other good thing the blonde had ever had in her life.

"Lorn!" Nicky called, her voice ringing out in the open air. "Come on, Lorna - I didn't mean it."

Lorna turned around, her hair blowing in the wind. "Then why did you say it?" she called back. Her voice wasn't venomous like Nicky expected. It just sounded betrayed. Nicky pressed her lips together.

"Because I was angry! Because I'm jealous," Nicky said, her attempt at justifying her words sounding hollow even to her. She caught up to Lorna, catching hold of her arm. "Because love can make you crazy...and I love you, Lorna."

Lorna pulled her arm away. "You don't say those things to someone you love."

"Sure you do," Nicky said, an edge of desperation creeping into her voice. "You're telling me that when Marka told Paolo she wished he'd get hit by a semi truck, that wasn't true love?"

Lorna's lips twitched up into a smile that she tried to hide. "I don't wanna be like that."

"I know," Nicky said, sighing. She shoved her hair back out of her eyes. "I don't either. But sometimes...sometimes it's hard, you know?"

Lorna nodded. She did know. And she felt that she owed Nicky an explanation.

"I..I think I have to say it so that I make myself believe it," Lorna whispered, pressing her forehead to Nicky's.

She chewed on her bottom lip, and Nicky had to force herself to look her in the eye. She opened her mouth to respond, but Lorna held up a hand.

"You know, about Christopher...sorry," she added, at Nicky's sour expression at the mention of his name. "I have to remind myself that I love him, because here, with you...it's easy to forget." Lorna shrugged, her fingers entangling with Nicky's. She shook her head. "It scares me. I've never felt this way before."

Nicky looked away, nodding. "Me either," she said, her voice barely a rasp. "And I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said...well, you know." She shrugged her shoulders, grappling for the right words. "I didn't mean it. I really didn't." Her voice got quiet. "It's just…"

Lorna brushed some hair out of Nicky's eyes. Even as a child, she'd been able to empathize with people more than others could, and she could sense Nicky about to say something important. "It's just what, baby?"

"I'm always second best," Nicky said quietly, not looking Lorna in the eye. "All my fucking life. You love Christopher more, he's your...finance," she said, forcing the word out though she still didn't quite believe it. "Red's busy with getting the kitchen back, she doesn't have time for me now. Even my own mother didn't think I was worth it."

Nicky could hear how pathetic she sounded, and hated it, but it was the truth. She sucked in a breath and pawed at her eyes. She blinked the tears away, and for the first time, Lorna saw a vulnerability she hadn't ever before. Lorna brushed the tears away for her, catching Nicky's hands in hers and pulling them to her lap.

Lorna exhaled. "I didn't know you felt that way."

"I didn't either...till just now," Nicky admitted. "But it's my problem," she added, her voice stronger now, with a definite edge. Her guard was back up. "It's not your fault, Lorn. I shouldn't have taken it out on you, I just…"

Lorna held a finger to her lips. "Uh-uh. You don't have to justify yourself to me, Nicky." She beamed a smile at Nicky, who rolled her eyes.

"I know," Nicky said, and she meant it. She raised her eyebrows hopefully, giving Lorna's hand a quick tug. "So...wanna get back to where we left off?"

A/N:

Hope you liked J. If you have an idea for later chapters, please do let me know. It helps out a ton!