Come home with me

Who are you?

The man who's going to marry you.

I'm Orpheus

Is he always like this?

Yes

I'm Eurydice

Your name is like a melody

A singer, is that what you are?

I also play the lyre

Oh, a liar and a player too? I've met too many men like you.

-Come Home With Me, Hadestown Original Broadway Cast

...

Lily took hold of the small package Lupin had given her and ran towards her dormitory. Mary had been convulsing for fifteen minutes, and the Matron had already exhausted her stores of the potion she usually administered. She was brewing another, but it would be over an hour until it was complete.

Lily was nearly up the stairs of the girls' dormitory when Lupin, out of breath with his hands on his knees, appeared behind her. He waved his wand in a lazy sort of way, and the stairs remained in place as the pair bounded towards the seventh year girls' dormitory.

"Mary," Remus said once Lily opened the door. "Quickly, pass me the bag."

Lily pushed the small package back into Lupin's hand and watched with the rest of her dorm mates as he took a small spoon from his pocket and scooped out a dose.

"This will taste terrible, Mary, but it's a powerful Muggle painkiller. Keep it under your tongue until it dissolves."

Mary opened her mouth obediently, her body coated in a film of sweat. Her eyes were wild, but she nodded gently and took the dose without complaint.

"Carefully now," Remus said gently. "Relax your tongue, breathe through your nose. Follow me, Mary. Breathe in, and then out. Take your time."

Marlene and Amelia each held one of her hands, their words soothing as they encouraged their friend to breathe through the pain.

Lily clutched the post of Mary's four-poster, her face drawn and pale. She felt Lupin's cool hand slide into her own and gripped it tightly.

"It will take time to work," Remus said quietly. "Don't expect miracles in a minute,"

With the others occupied and the medicine working, Lily pulled Lupin off to the doorway and looked up at him with concern on her face. "How do you handle it?" Lily asked. "The pain?"

"My friends," said Lupin, smiling gently. "They help, it's not as bad when they're around. But it's a manageable pain, and until they invent a cure, there's nothing to be done."

"Are they? Are they inventing a cure?"

Lupin sighed. "I don't know, I hope so. James' dad had people working on it, last I heard."

"I hope they find something, Rem," Lily said, squeezing his hand before releasing it. "You'd better get back to your dormitory before someone sees you,"

"Sure," Remus swallowed, standing up quickly. "Sure. Tell Mary that the dose I gave her is temporary relief, whatever Madame Pomfrey can make will be much stronger. Tell her to try and sleep."

"I will,"

"I'll give James your regards," Remus said, two fingers at his brow in a mock salute.

Lily rolled her eyes, and turned back to Mary and her dorm mates, and smiled a quiet smile as the lock clicked shut behind him.

...

"Have you heard anything from home?" James asks the Gryffindor breakfast table the following morning, the weather a steely unhappy grey. "I wrote a week ago, and they haven't written back. I'm worried."

"It's only been a week, Potter," Marlene said, taking a drink of pumpkin juice. "Too early to be worried."

James shook his head. "They always write back, something's wrong."

"What was that what Cauterwal said?" Peter said, taking a bite of toast. "Something about his letters not being answered. It has to be abnormal if it's happened more than once."

"Could be," Sirius said. "Maybe they're censoring us,"

"What?" Marlene said.

"What did you write about, Prongs?"

James cleared his throat, looking surprisingly uneasy. "The normal things, it wasn't anything unusual,"

"Did your dad talk about the war?"

James' eyes went round. "No, but he did talk about the Ministry. Things are different he said than what they used to be,"

"Did he explain?"

"He tries not to worry me," James explained, and Lupin sighed.

"Write back," Mary suggested, her voice perhaps quieter than usual, and her boyfriend gripped her hand. "See you get a reply,"

James nodded, tucking into his porridge with muted enthusiasm. He took a long drink of tea and stood up, shouldering his school bag. James tried not to look over at Lily, sitting distanced from the group. He had thought they were finally getting somewhere, moving past what had happened, moving forward. Apparently not.

"See you in Divination, Potter,"

James waved a hand behind him dismissively, walking with determination towards the door.

...

Once the bell rang, and breakfast was over, Lily swung her legs over the bench, headed for Muggle Studies. She wasn't angry, she thought, nor was she upset. She was ruffled and uneasy. Mary was in so much pain, but was it anything to compare with the amount of pain Lupin was in monthly? How could he bear it?

"You're Lily Evans, right? Head Girl?"

Lily looked over at the small clump of girls that surrounded her, uncomfortable but not surprised that she didn't know a single name amongst them. She wasn't even sure what house they were in.

"What?"

"Your name," one girl said while many others giggled. Lily sighed.

"Yes, I'm Lily Evans. What would you like?"

"You haven't heard?" Another girl with long dark hair said. "Truly?"

"Heard what?"

The giggling reconvened, and Lily groaned. "I have no time for rumours. If what you're saying has any truth to it, you can—,"

"Vera saw James Potter snogging Flora Peele in the kitchen corridor,"

"And?"

"Well, I thought-,"

"No, no, you thought—,"

"Look," Lily said, fighting to keep her patience. "I don't care what he or anyone else does in their spare time. I have no room for gossip and less for gossipers. Don't you all have a class to be getting to?"

The girls dispersed with more speed than was dignified, and Lily shook her head in disbelief before heading to the first class of the day.

...

Their Muggle studies class was tedious, they had been studying the Muggle judicial system for over a month, and she, as well as much of the N.E.W.T. class, was bored stiff. She tapped her favourite quill against the top of her desk and looked out the windows. It was grey and cold, and the branches of trees snapping against the tallest windows. It had yet to snow, but the rains were falling steadily, making the walls of the castle damp and cold. Lily tried to focus on the subject matter, but the second-hand gossip frustrated her.

If James wanted to snog every girl within reach, he was more than welcome to do so. It had been almost a month since the incident in the Common Room, had she just seen what she wanted to see after she kissed him? Surely he couldn't have been lying with a blissed-out expression he had after they kissed the first time. She was embarrassed, but she had no reason to be. They had been spreading rumours, nothing more. And since when did she care what other people thought about her?

The bell rang, startling her as well as most of the class. She gathered up her things and made for the door. Since she had dropped Divination, she was in possession of a blessed free period she fully intended to take advantage of.

Lily was just turning the corner towards the marble staircase when Regulus fell in step beside her.

"Mr. Black," Lily said cordially, holding out a hand.

"Miss Evans," Regulus said with a cool smile, shaking it. She shouldered her book bag, and they took off together up the stairs.

"I found your last Prefect meeting to be particularly well-spoken. Excellent work,"

"I thank you," Lily said with an imitated air, bowing slightly at the waist. "Potter found it within himself to be a decent human being for once, to no one's greater surprise and relief than my own."

"I wouldn't go that far," Regulus said, "From what I've seen, Potter has a better head on his shoulders than you or anyone else for that matter, gives him proper credit for. He's a Pureblood, and his best friends are my brother, the disowned blood traitor, Lupin, the werewolf and Pettigrew, the little man who follows the rest of you lot around. It truly boggles the mind,"

Lily's heart stopped. How had he found out? When had he found out? Oh God, if Remus knew that other people, not just his friends, knew what he was, what would he do? Would he have to leave Hogwarts?

"You—you, Lupin is not,"

"Isn't he?" Regulus said, cocking his head. "I'd be shocked if he wasn't, and even more shocked if you of all people didn't know. I thought you two were mates?"

Lily looked over her shoulder and tugged him by his sleeve up the last couple of stairs into an alcove. "Look, Remus is—is,"

"A werewolf?" Regulus said with a knowing tilt of his head. "Yes. A pothead? Also, yes, smokes more than anyone I've ever met. I'll not be the one to let the cat out of the bag, as it were. He's a victim of unimaginable trauma; I can't even fathom what it is to be him. So far as I'm concerned, he can self-medicate however much he likes. They, his transformations that is, must be extraordinarily painful."

Lily raised a hand to shake a finger at him and stopped mid-motion, mouth held agape. Did Regulus Black pity him?

"Yes," Lily said quietly. "I'm told they are,"

Regulus cocked his head to the side and nodded, fiddling with his tie the same way Sirius did when he was looking for something to do with his hands. "Don't be upset, I'm cleverer than your average bear, and it took me nigh on five years to come to this conclusion. His secret is safe with me."

"In exchange for what?"

"Pardon me?"

"Secrets don't come by cheaply," Lily said, trying not to let her panic show.

"Come now, Evans, aren't we better friends than that?"

"I don't know, are we?"

Regulus let out a funny little laugh, perfectly suiting him, and setting Lily back a step or two. He patted her on the shoulder and turned to go.

"Next time you see Potter, tell him to watch his back," Regulus said offhandedly, stepping back into the corridor. "He lost his shot twice the last practice watching his hoops. My brother won't always be there to watch it for him."

Lily raised a hand and watched as Regulus walked down the corridor and out of sight.

...

After a nap in Gryffindor Tower, Lily picked up her Astronomy textbook and made her way to the library to study. On the way, she fell in step with Sirius and Lupin, both en route (and keen to share her notes). Lily sat across from the two of them, and they settled into their usual seats and pulled out their books.

"Where's Potter?"

"Eh?" Sirius said, eyes fixed on his essay, looked up and waved his hand dismissively. Lily was struck suddenly by how alike he and his brother were. "Somewhere here about, surprised he isn't here yet, to be completely honest. The library is a fairly reliable haunt of his,"

"Can you read this over for me?" Remus asked, and Lily nodded curtly. She tapped her wand on electrikity and changed it to electricity and skimmed the rest for mistakes.

"I just hope that he's okay," Lily said, hoping for a casually dismissive tone.

"What's with the sudden sentiment?

"He's upset; his parents are older. A lack of correspondence, especially when it arrives in a reliable pattern, could be distressing to him."

"So you are warming up to the old dog after all," Sirius said, leaning his chair back on two legs. "Told you he wasn't half bad." He looked at Lupin. "You owe me six Sickles."

Lily rolled her eyes. "What did he tell you?"

"Not as much as those girls did, I swear they are all-knowing."

"It's none of your business,"

"You're right; it's not. I'm not particularly keen on hearing the details either if you don't mind."

"Fine," Lily said. "And anyway, there isn't much to tell, so far as he's concerned."

"Could've fooled me," Sirius said, tracing a sentence with his quill.

"I don't want to talk about it,"

"Then don't?" Lupin said with a smirk.

"I'm not!"

"If you thought about school work as much as you thought about James Potter we'd be done by now,"

Lily sniffed and dug for the quill in her bag, intent on finishing her Muggle Studies essay before the end of the break.

...

Astronomy passed with little incident, both Sirius and Lily had finished their star charts the class before. Due to the particularly unfavourable weather, they were let out earlier than usual and headed first to Arithmancy and then to Care of Magical Creatures.

She tried the ignore the way Snape attempted to catch her eye and went to stand beside Sirius, standing distanced from the group with his Hippogriff, a handsome roan. Snape was sporting a rather nasty cut above his eyebrow with his lip split, and he looked rather forlorn standing beside his mates.

"Why do you still hold a torch for that bugger?" Sirius said, stroking the Hippogriff's feathers. "You're a smart girl; he's a Death Eater. All the signs are there."

"He's an old friend of mine. Affections don't die overnight."

"They did for me," Sirius said darkly, pushing over a stone with his foot. The Hippogriff snorted in apprehension, and Sirius cast a quick cleaning spell on his hands before shoving them in his pockets.

"Why don't you speak to your brother?"

"I could ask you the same question, Evans," Sirius said, a moody light in his eyes. "Why don't you speak to your sister?"

"It's complicated,"

"Likewise," Sirius said, tilting his head in agreement. "I ran away at sixteen, moved in with the Potter's. Been living there ever since." He paused, considering her. "But that's none of your business."

She laid a hand over his, and he sniffed before wiping his nose on the back of his sleeve.

"You're not the only one with problems," Sirius continued. "You might want to consider other people's problems as equal to your own if you plan to continue being friends with them." He paused, nodding towards Severus "However, in regards to your mate Snape—,"

"He's not my mate,"

"No? Could've fooled me, you defend him often enough." Lily shrugged, and Sirius continued. "Now there's a problem I can't say I've ever had. He called you a slur, a Mudblood,"

"He wasn't wrong,"

"No?" Sirius said,

"I am, there is no magical blood running through my family tree."

"Doesn't give him a right to call you that,"

"I have given up caring what other people think of me. I can't control their thoughts or actions; I can only control my own."

"James doesn't seem to think so," Sirius said offhandedly, running a hand over his forehead and then reaching his hand into the bag for a piece of meat to feed their Hippogriff. "He told me, Snape tried to warn James off of you, something about your weak femininity left you unable to make good decisions."

"That so?"

Sirius shrugged, gesturing towards Snape. "Snivellus got a good knocking down because of it. Think what you'd like of James, but he has your best interests at heart."

"I can't believe this," Lily said, shaking her head in disbelief. "I need to talk to him, cover for me?"

Sirius nodded, and Lily tidied her own hands before retrieving her things and leaving the class behind.

...

Lily walked quickly, feet slipping through the mud and loose grass on the path back the castle. It had started raining again, and before long, the rain had soaked her to the skin. As she walked, her frustration and anger grew; not only had he broken his promise, but he'd fought, physically fought, another student in the corridor! Was he a child?

And all of this defending her honour bullshit, when would the assembled male company realize that the only one who knew what was best for her was her? She found him in the courtyard, looking cool as you please, and when she approached, he had the nerve to smile at her.

"Evans," he said, leaning against a stone pillar in the courtyard, a cigarette loose between his lips.

"You fought Snape?" Lily said pointedly, fire in her eyes.

"It was less than he deserved," James replied, recrossing his arms, looking irritatingly non-perturbed.

"You are seventeen years old," Lily exploded, and the students milling around turned in alarm. "Snape has done nothing to you! Nothing! All you do is torture him!"

"'That so," James said, snuffing out his cigarette under his shoe.

"Who the hell do you think you are?"

"James Fleamont Potter," James said with a little bow.

"What, so now you're infallible?

James shrugged. "So far,"

"You make me sick," Lily said, sticking a finger in his face. "You are the person everyone says you are. James fucking Potter, the arrogant toerag who worries about nothing and nobody but himself."

"Might want to consider pulling that stick from your ass before you mess with things you don't understand," James said, standing taller.

"What did you just say to me?"

"That you must be forgetting, sweetheart," James said, stepping forward, closer than they had any right to be to one another. "That you know fuck nothing about him,"

"Is that a fact?"

"That you have a stick up your ass? Course it is,"

A few people laughed, and Lily glared at him with increasing intensity.

"Severus was—,"

"A childhood mate, the one who dropped a tree branch on your sister when you were little. The one who tried to make you a Slytherin so you would be together at school. Snape, the fuckwad who called you a slur because he was flustered."

"Because you were torturing him! Again! It's just games for you!"

"And what does that say about you, Evans? Miss Prim and Proper Head Girl? You must love him fiercely to defend him the way you do,"

"I don't love him!"

"Yes, you do!" James said. "It's the only explanation! You've laid it out in black and white, sweetheart. You're using me! To get on with Snape! I fucking knew it!"

They hadn't noticed how quiet the courtyard had become until they turned around to see a tight mouthed Minerva McGonagall standing in the doorway.

...

Their appointment with their Head of House was a quick one. She had multiple first-hand accounts not only of the fight between James and Snape, as well as the numerous verbal altercations between the two of them. She was well prepared, and James was well and thoroughly embarrassed. He tried to defend himself; he was standing up for Lily's honour! Wasn't that worth something?

Apparently not.

McGonagall walked them to Gryffindor tower, where they had fifteen minutes to pack their things in preparation for their new shared dormitory.

All of James' dorm mates were in class, and their shared dormitory looked emptier now than it ever had been. He removed his broom from its hook on the wall and begun packing his trunk.

Did Lily still fancy Snape? God knows what she saw in him; maybe it was like a pity case; she just felt bad for him, her poor best mate from childhood. That must be it, it wasn't like he was anything pretty to look at, nor particularly gifted in anything besides making a fool out of himself. James was just pulling his favourite Puddlemore United jersey from under his bed when Sirius skidded into the dorm. He exclaimed, through multiple attempts at catching his breath, that he was the one who had told Lily about his fight with Snape. He was so sorry; he thought that James had told her. It was all his fault.

"How long do you have to stay there?" Sirius said, sitting next to him on the floor.

"I dunno," James said, trying not to look as defeated as he felt. "McGonagall didn't say. She was pissed, mate."

"We'll visit," Sirius said earnestly. "Every day, as often as we can. We'll sneak out, just the four of us, like old times. It's not forever; we can get you through this."

"She hates me, and just when I thought we were getting somewhere, we fight. Why do I still fancy her when she hates me? Does that make me a sadist?"

"No," Sirius said, his mouth tight. "No, of course not."

"You sure?"

"I mean I think so, apparently you're the infallible one, so you tell me,"

James cracked a smile. Maybe it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world to be trapped in there with Evans. It was only a punishment if he looked at it that way.

Ten minutes later, James said goodbye to Sirius and cast a levitation charm on his trunk for the journey down to the sixth floor.

He met Lily and McGonagall there, both with terse expressions, and listened while McGonagall reminded them of the password (Noble) and reinforced the notion that the duration of their banishment, sorry temporary incarceration, rested entirely in their hands.

She opened the door, sighed and left them to their own devices, the lock clicking shut behind her.

...

James and Lily spent the next few hours steadily ignoring the other. Both of them had finished their classes for the day, leaving little reason to go anywhere. The dormitory itself was bigger than James remembered it being, a comfortable sized Common Room, a shared toilet, and two single dormitories. A silent argument had broken out in who got which room, James offering the larger of the two to Lily, who, while seething silently, walked towards the smaller one and slammed the door behind her. The bed wasn't half bad, James thought, bigger than the ones in Gryffindor tower, nearly as comfortable as his own at home. The view was unusual; they looked over a corner of the Quidditch pitch and the southernmost edge of the loch.

He was angry, and he supposed he had the right to be angry. While McGonagall hadn't said it outright, he knew she was considering taking him off the team. That perhaps was the crux of it all, he had done nothing but defended her honour and took down a Death Eater and was being punished for it.

James looked down at his watch, the suns and stars shining and groaned. It was nearly dinnertime, and that meant he'd have to see her again. James sat up, (never one to miss a meal, if he had any say in it) and pulled one of his father's cardigans. The temperature had been steadily dropping over the past few hours, and this soft woollen thing always reminded him of home. He turned into the shared Common Room, and upon finding it empty hand a moment of brief hesitation in front of Evans' door. Should he ask her to come down? Would she even answer for him?

He held his hand over the door, and sighed, dropping it walked alone towards the Great Hall.

His mates were sympathetic, but throughout dinner, Marlene and Alice sent him suspicious glares overtop of cottage pie and Yorkshire puddings. Much to Sirius' bemusement, he loaded a plate with things he knew she liked, steak and kidney pie, roasted potatoes and a generous spoonful of lemon curd before making his way back to his dormitory.

To his great surprise, she was sitting beside the hearth when he returned, armed in her jim-jams and tortoiseshell reading glasses. He moved slowly, as if not to spook her, and set the plate on the coffee table.

"I didn't see you at dinner," he said quietly, fussing with his hair.

"Thank you," she said quietly.

"Oh!" He said nervously, pulling a napkin out of his pocket. "Cutlery. Do you want some pumpkin juice? Or coffee? Or—or what about Firewhiskey? I'm sure I could find some. I know, I know you like that,"

"This is fine, thank you,"

"Okay,"

There was an uneasy silence as Lily began tucking into her dinner.

"I'm—," he began.

"No, I'm sorry." Lily sighed and took off her glasses before tapping her hand lightly on the sofa beside her. With no small amount of trepidation, he sat, acutely aware of how close he was to her. "I was angry. I goaded you on and had no right to. So I'm sorry,"

James nodded, sitting very still. "I'm sorry too, for what its worth. I promised I would stop fighting in public, and I didn't. That's my fault."

"It's not like I made it easier," James said quietly.

"For God's sake, Potter, can you not take an apology when it comes?"

There was a loaded silence for a moment or two, and then she laughed, a bright and joyful sound and his spirits lifted. Maybe everything wasn't lost after all. She laughed and then snorted, and suddenly they both were laughing, laughing so hard that they couldn't stop, longer than he had in a good long while. Lily had tears rolling down her cheeks, and without thinking, he ran his thumbs down her cheeks and wiped them away. She froze, her heart pounded so loudly she was sure he could hear it, and she wanted to, damn it. She wanted to kiss him, wanted to more than she had ever wanted to kiss somebody.

He fought with Snape. Split his lip, bruised his cheekbone. And not only that, she thought, but he's also seeing another woman.

She hesitated, and stood up quickly, startling James and upsetting her plate.

"I can't do this,"

"What?"

"This!" She said, gesturing between the two of them. "I can't do this! we can't fight and snog in the same conversation!"

"What are you talking about?" James said, rising. She took a couple of steps backward, and he sighed. "I'm sorry I shouldn't have touched you."

"God, it wasn't touching, it was the way you looked me, and all I could think about was if you looked at her that way too."

"Who?"

Lily punched him in the shoulder, and James exclaimed in pain. "What the hell was that for?!"

"Did you or did you not snog Flora Peele in the kitchens corridor?"

"Of course not!"

"Then you wouldn't mind explaining why I've heard rumours from several different people and whispers about you taking up with her?"

"Why do you care who I 'take up with?'" James countered, standing taller. "So far as I've heard, you're perfectly happy keeping things just the way they are!"

"Don't you mix up my words into something they're not!" Lily said, crossing her arms. "You know perfectly well what I meant,"

"Tough chance of that, sweetheart," James said. "Despite what people might say, I can't read minds,"

"Don't call me that,"

"Then why is it that you seem to care so much?" James said, stepping forward, closer than they had been in a month, since that Friday night on the sofa in the Gryffindor Common Room. He stared down at her with thoughts chasing one another like wildfire in his mind. She was jealous, well and truly jealous, and he revelled in it. Did she, could she—

"You're making a fool of yourself," Lily said, fighting to keep eye contact. The look in his eyes was so intense; she wanted so badly to look away, to distract herself from the way her heart thumped and pounded whenever she saw him, whenever they spoke, whenever his name was spoken. Was he, did he—

"I didn't snog her; I didn't even touch her," James said.

"Oh,"

"What, oh. You've known me for seven years, and you think I'm one to, you know..."

"Window shop?"

James rolled his eyes. "I didn't kiss her; I didn't kiss anybody. The last person I kissed was you,"

Lily's heart leapt, beating faster and faster. "Then, where did the rumour come from?"

"I bumped into her," James said, "I was heading down to the kitchens, and she was there. Exploring, she said. I was distracted, thinking about something else." He paused, looking her over carefully. "Since when do you care what other people think of you?"

"I don't," Lily said, a little too quickly.

"You do," he said, stepping forward once more. "You do care," James took one of her hands in his own, and she flinched at his touch. His hands were warm and calloused and comforting. "I don't think I said more than three sentences to her, something about secret passages."

"Oh," Lily said, the energy of the moment deflating.

"What did you expect me to say?" James said, matching her intensity and squeezing the little hand in his, she was so cold, so fragile. "That I found a new bird to shag?"

"I don't know; I can't read minds,"

James lifted the hand not holding hers and brushed it against her cheek and smiled as she leaned into his touch. All the righteous anger left and was replaced by something that could snap at any moment, could melt into the floor like water. She looked at him in a way James hadn't seen in a month, in a way that had kept him up at night thinking of the way her lips felt under his own, how soft she was, how willing she was, how far he could've gone with her if he wasn't the noble bastard he always was. If he had snapped if he had given in to her, where would they be now?

"James..." she whispered, her fingers grabbing the hem of his cardigan and pulling him closer. "James, please,"

"Please, what?"

"I don't like you seeing other girls,"

James' heart pounded, and he could feel all of her, every curve, she was pressed so closely.

"I'm not, I—I couldn't, not when—,"

"Not when?"

"I couldn't," James said, swallowing, his eyes trained on hers. "Even when I was seeing other girls, it wasn't them who kept me up at night, all I thought about, all I could think about, was you,"

They surged together, teeth clacking, noses bumping, fingers tangling in one another's hair. James pulled away, and Lily chased him, kissing him in a way that his mind went blank, and all that was left was the feel of her, the smell of her hair, the softness of her skin. He kissed the freckle just to the left of her cheekbone, her nails digging further into the base of his neck.

James smiled into her lips and picked her up, heart thumping as her legs wrapped around his hips. He had dreamt about this day since fourth year when girls suddenly became more than a subject of crude fascination. They were so soft, with so many curves to explore and enjoy, and he was captivated with them. He wondered with his mates what it would be like to hug a girl, what kissing might be like, what breasts would feel like in his hands. And here he was, no less randy than he was all those years before; kissing the living daylights out of Lily Evans, hands dangerously close to the only place he had never been bold enough to reach for.

And they were alone, well and truly alone—no supervision, no one but them, with two empty beds just down the hall.

Goddamn, he wasn't ready for this. He wasn't prepared, what was he thinking?

Lily tangled her hands around his tie, pulling at the knot, pushing his father's sweater down his arms. James tensed into her kiss, his mind spinning a million miles an hour, he shouldn't be doing this, not again. But she was so soft, so willing, and Merlin, was she taking his clothes off?

Lily twisted her legs to land herself higher on his hips, and as he panted into her shoulder, she took the opportunity to kiss his collarbone, that freckle above his left eyebrow.

She nipped at his collarbone once his tie slid to the ground between them, and he groaned into her shoulder, fingers playing with the buttons of her pyjama top. He stopped, rested his forehead on her chest as he caught his breath, and Lily panicked, separating them.

"I—I can't,"

"What?" James said between breaths.

"James, I can't. It's not; it's not right. Not yet."

"No, don't think," he said, running his fingernails down her back in a way that turned her brain to mush. "Stop thinking, It'll ruin it, just relax," James leaned forward and kissed her firmly, pulling her hair out of its braids with his fingers, she sighed, and he pulled her closer, closer than they had ever been before, and when they pulled apart, she looked well and thoroughly snogged. Lips swollen and red, pupils blown, breath rising in pants.

Had she kissed Snape like this? Had she met up with him and kissed him in some abandoned classroom, did he known what she looked like, like this? Dishevelled and panting? Had she kissed Snape the way she kissed him?

Lily moved to come together again when he stopped her, a hand against her shoulder with his eyes not quite meeting her own. And when he spoke, he spoke quietly.

"Are you seeing Snape?"

Lily snapped her eyes open, taking a step back in surprise. "What're you on about?"

"Snape," James said, his eyes looking down at his feet. "I saw the two of you together, are you seeing Snape?"

"What the hell, Potter!" Lily exclaimed, her blouse still half unbuttoned, the pale pink cup of her bra just visible, and he swore he stopped breathing. How many others had she let see her like this? Had Snape seen?

The thought put a nasty taste in his mouth, he didn't want Snape anywhere near her, let alone be allowed to see her like, like this, flushed and panting and undressed, bits of lipstick on the corners of her mouth. Hair everywhere, looking thoroughly kissed, and the part of him that was entirely male puffed up at the thought of being the only one to see her en deshabille. It was so intimate, so sacred, and he didn't want to be the one who mucked it up.

"I thought you trusted me!"

"I only trust people I love,"

"Well, you did say that you loved me," Lily shot back with malice.

James froze, his limbs tight. "Don't you dare put this on me," he said in a forcibly quiet voice, his words loaded. "You want to talk about that night?"

"Well, maybe I do!"

"Tough chance of that, sweetheart," James said, turning around. "I won't make the mistake of trusting you again,"

"I can't remember you hesitating before snogging the living daylights out of me." Lily shot back, and James stopped in his tracks.

"You took advantage of me," James said, his back turned to her. "You exploited me, knew that I fancied you and used it to your advantage. If I had any sense, I'd hate you for it,"

"I didn't— I didn't mean to—,"

"No?" James said, facing her with tears in his eyes. "Then why did you do it, if you don't care for me at all?"

"I do! I do care for you!"

"As more than a friend? More than an acquaintance? What the hell is this, Evans? I don't do no attachments."

"I don't know! Why does everything need labels with you?"

"I need to know where I stand!" James exclaimed. "I need to know that we're on equal ground! That our feelings are out in the open, and we're both on the same page!"

"Aren't we?"

"Aren't we what?" James said, his face red as he paced back and forth.

"On the same page?"

"No! I have no idea what's going on in that head of yours,"

Lily turned around, her breath loud as she collected her thoughts. "I want it to be easy. If it's meant to be, it'll be easier, come naturally. But it doesn't! All we ever do is snog and fight! I can't do this anymore!"

"Then don't!" James shot back. "If I'm too much work for you, then shack up with Snape for all I care!"

"Maybe I will!"

"But don't come crying to me, sweetheart, when he turns Death Eater and plays the victim with you. You've known what he was all along and do it anyway!" James shook his head, turning away. "You're unbelievable."

They stood in silence, the emptiness like a loaded gun. James wiped away his tears as they fell and tried to ignore the silent sobs coming from the other end of the room. Maybe they weren't meant to be after all.

"For however long it lasted, it was a privilege to matter to you," James said quietly. "Even if it was for a short time, or no time at all,"

Lily looked down at her feet, gritting her teeth. She heard him sigh, then walk to and out the door and out of sight.