Disclaimer: I do not own SnK, either the manga or the anime. All content taken from either source is not mine. All original content does, however, belong to me.
Chapter Five: Dark and Light
Present Day…
Eren sits in silence at the table. Squad Levi is together, having tea around a kerosene lamp. He does not grab his full teacup because he can feel his hands trembling in his lap. No one is speaking to him; they barely even look at him. He thinks it is better if he says nothing. Levi is out conducting one last perimeter patrol and Maia has just gone back to the kitchen. The clattering of pots and pans can be heard. He wishes she had stayed at the table with him. At least she would have acknowledged him, would have been kind to him.
"Wonder what they'll have us do tomorrow," Eld is saying, "with the kid."
Eren knows that's him. He's the kid. He's right there, next to them, with them, and they speak of him as if he isn't.
Oluo leans back in his chair, the front two legs suspended off the ground. He is holding a teacup under his chin. "Pfft, beats me. Probably poke him a bunch to see what happens."
"If that's the case, wouldn't Hange want to be here? She's a nut over those things."
Eren feels himself recoil at Gunther's words. Those things. Is he? He isn't. He can't be. Maia said…
Remember what you did to save them.
"Don't let Beckett hear you say that. Those two were in the same graduating class. They're practically inseparable when together. If she hears you saying that, she'll have your horse toss you off." Petra admonishes them.
Oluo brings a hand up to his mouth as if reflexively. His finger prods at his now healed tongue. His eyes narrow. Did Maia make his horse…?
Gunther rolls his eyes at Petra and tilts his head towards her, "Defending your sister in arms, eh? Don't think we don't know that you three ladies are a squad of your own. I bet you'll just tell her anyway. I'm not surprised you came out of your daydreaming about the captain just so you can defend your best friends."
Eren's head snaps up. He speaks without even thinking. His words cut through the air and cause the room to fall silent.
"I thought Captain Levi and Maia were together?"
All four of them stare back at him. They blink together.
Once.
Twice.
Oluo is first to break the quiet, the tension. He erupts into loud laughter, tilting too far back in his chair and nearly losing his balance. He starts, flinging his legs out in front of him. His knee slams on the underside of the table as he rights himself and his tea comes sloshing out of his teacup. The hot liquid splatters all over his cravat. Gunther, Eld, and Petra all join in laughing at his expense and soon the entire table has dissolved into hysteria. Eren wonders what he said that was so funny…
"You asked…" Oluo wipes at his eyes with his tea stained kerchief, "You asked if th-the captain a-and Maia…" he tries to hold in another laugh but his mouth splits open as all the air rushes out, "were together?!"
Eld manages to calm down first and turns to Eren. The younger man briefly thinks how this is not the conversation during which he wanted the squad to first acknowledge him, but, hey, he will take what he can at this point.
"Those two…" he trails off before considering his next words carefully, "Have been through a lot. We all have, I guess, with things the way they are and all, but they went through all of their stuff together. The topside stuff, anyway. They go way back. It's...complicated, their relationship."
"Like two opposing forces that want to meet but...can't," Gunther explains quietly, the mirth lessening with each passing moment. "Or…," an exasperated sigh as if the squad has spent too much time wishing for something to happen that just, "won't."
"Dark and light," Petra adds. "You've seen them, Eren. How they are. One is dark, the other is light. Doesn't take a genius like Hange to figure out which one is which."
"Dark and light," Oluo nods. "That's them."
"You see," Eld shifts in his chair, "Eren, some people just won't…" he sighs again and redirects, "this world takes a lot from us, all of us, but it takes from some more than others. And I guess those two, well…"
Something is baking in the oven. Maia must be making some sort of sweetcake. The smell permeates the air and creates an odd sort of juxtaposition. The conversation is anything but sweet.
"I guess they don't want to risk losing anything else."
Eren is shaking his head, bewildered that the two of them wouldn't want to be something when it is so painfully obvious to everyone around them that they should, "But wouldn't it make more sense to have happiness now rather than to never -"
"What are you idiots talking about?"
At the sound of Levi's voice Eren clamps his mouth shut and Oluo, who apparently has not learned from his past mistakes and is still leaning back in his chair, promptly falls backwards and smacks his head on the stone floor. He gives off a groan and sticks a foot in the air. Gunther rolls his eyes and in one swift movement grabs Oluo's chair, bringing him and the piece of furniture back to an upright position.
"N-nothing, sir! Just, um, ah, well…"
"Dark and light! Colors! We were talking about our favorite...colors?" Petra blanches. She knows she has been caught in a big fat lie. Levi is staring at her like she has grown a second head.
"Hm," Levi makes a noise low in his throat, "riveting."
"Yes," Gunther gives a sort of nervous laugh and scratches the back of his neck, "what's, uh, what's your favorite...color...captain?" He cringes at how absurd the question is, regrets it in the middle of asking it, especially when directed at Captain Levi.
The man in question raises a single brow, reaches for a teacup, and taps his finger against the ceramic. He seems, for a moment, to be somewhere else, in a memory. His eyes soften a fraction, his posture relaxes only slightly.
"Blue." He leaves no indication that he will elaborate on why, his form snapping back to its usual rigid posture, but the fact that he has given an answer at all has shocked the entire table.
Without another word he sits down and pours himself a cup of tea. The table visibly and collectively sighs in relief, happy their previous conversation hadn't been found out. Levi holds his teacup, hand carefully covering the top, and regards the table with an unamused look.
"Anyway," Gunther clears his throat and switches the subject, "what exactly are we expected to do here?"
"We'll probably be on standby for the next several days," Eld sighs and is momentarily distracted by the sound of Maia humming in the kitchen. Levi tilts his head in her direction, as if to position his ear so that he can hear as much of her voice as he can.
"But I hear they're thinking of launching a large-scale expedition past the Wall in thirty days."
Thirty days? Eren thinks, surprised. That's only a month here. Only a month to get my Titan ability under control, if that's even possible. What if...what if I can't do it? What if I let everyone die? People could die. These people here could die.
Eren is so transfixed on everything that could go wrong in the next thirty days that he misses half the conversation around him. He is only brought back to the present and away from the chilling thoughts of future destruction, by Eld's voice.
"It's still hard to believe...but...what happens when you become a Titan, Eren?" His face is genuinely curious. Eren is taken aback. He thinks this might be a trap, but Eld's face is so open right now, so expectant. He can't possibly stay silent, can he? That would be rude and suspicious, even though he truly is unsure of what exactly happens.
"My memories of it aren't really clear," he brings a hand up, looks at it thoughtfully, "but it's like I lose track of myself. I do know that the trigger is self-inflicted pain. I bite my hand like...wait…"
Eren is staring hard at his hand now, contemplating, considering. He feels it again in the back of his head. The pain. Splitting, pinching pain. It's not a normal headache, it's something sharper, stronger.
"How did I know to do that?" He is still staring down at his hand when Levi tells them not to ask any more questions. Eren keeps looking down at his unbitten skin, the smooth plane of his thumb joint.
"Eren?"
Maia is back. She holds a bowl of blackberries out towards him. Her eyes are concerned, warm amber shadowed by her furrowed brows.
"Here," she takes his hand and places the bottom of the bowl onto his open palm. Eren's long fingers come up to grip the sides. She whispers so that only he can hear, "Something sweet always helps me...with headaches."
His eyes go wide but he cannot form a reply.
"Where did you even find those, Beckett?" Oluo asks from his spot next to Eren. He is practically salivating at the sight of the plump, juicy berries.
"There are a few bushes of them behind the stables. Lucky find, really. I'm making a quick sweet cake to go with them. I know she really likes sweets."
"Who?" Petra wonders. As if on cue she gets her answer.
"HI THERE, SQUAD LEVI!" The door bursts open with a clang! and Hange strides in, hair wild and eyes wide, her typical appearance. "Is the castle comfortable?!"
"Her," Maia gives a big smile to her friend, showing her teeth. Eren thinks it makes her look even more beautiful. He chances a glance at Levi whose face does not betray any emotion, but he sees the captain's fingers tighten slightly over the top of his teacup.
"I guess they don't want to risk losing anything else."
He doesn't know why, but thinking about that makes him sad.
Hange is asking him for permission to use him in her experiments tomorrow. Eren replies that he has no agency over his body these days, which is true. He feels like the Survey Corps owns him, owns his human and his Titan form. Squad Leader Hange looks to Captain Levi now, seeking permission. When she receives, more like takes, the all clear to use him in her "Titan experiment," Eren makes the mistake of asking her what she means.
All at once, Squad Levi push their chairs out in unison and make a break for the door. Levi is first out, followed by the rest. Their teacups sit abandoned on the table. Maia runs back into the kitchen mumbling about "checking on the cake" and Eren is left alone with Hange, who wears a terrifyingly excited expression on her face. He knows he messed up. She is all but drooling, her eyes wide as saucers behind her glasses.
"I KNEW IT!"
In the morning, Eren will wonder why he ever opened his big mouth.
Petra creeps back into the kitchen. She tries not to make any noise that will alert Hange that she is there. Hearing more about Titan experiments is very low on her list of things she is willing to put up with at this hour. All she wants is a piece of sweet cake.
She finds Maia sitting on a stool in the kitchen. A sheet of cake rests on the wooden table in front of her. Pieces are missing and a collection of washed teacups have been set out to dry. The golden haired woman has a large piece of baked confection on a plate, piled high with the blackberries she picked earlier. When Petra enters, Maia swings her head around at the noise, eyes wide.
"Oh, Petra! Whew! I thought you were Hange. Gods know I love that woman but…"
"I understand," Petra looks at her with a knowing expression, "Titan talk doesn't pair well with cake."
"It really doesn't."
Maia proceeds to cut and hand over to her a generous slice, and with a sly smile she slides the bowl of blackberries over to her late night companion as well.
"Don't forget these. I'm afraid Oluo will sneak back down here and eat them all before the sun comes up."
Petra laughs at this, knowing it to be more than probable, and the two sit in amiable silence for a while, eating their small reminder that sweet moments do indeed still exist in this world. Maia finishes the last few crumbs of her cake before she speaks again.
"He has headaches," she quietly begins, "just like me."
"Who? Eren?"
Maia nods, "It's strange," she picks up a blackberry with her fingers and examines the fruit almost absentmindedly, "but I think they're connected to his Titan ability. Somehow."
"And what about your headaches?" Petra winces as her fork makes a screeching sound against the porcelain of her plate.
"I don't know," Maia shrugs, dejected. "But Eren...he opens up new possibilities. I don't know what those possibilities are, but...it gets me thinking."
"Have you told Hange any of this?"
Maia turns to Petra, who has always been a friend to her, a confidant, and a good comrade. She always looked up to Petra, who had been the first female chosen for an elite squad. While the woman was a few years younger than them, Maia and Hange found themselves very often in a sort of trio that moved together around the facility and training fields once Petra officially joined the Scouts after her training years had been completed. Even before being chosen for Levi's Special Operations Squad, Petra had been part of their group from the start of her time in the regiment. At the Survey Corps' main headquarters, Petra had been Maia's bunkmate since Hange had taken to sleeping in her very cluttered office instead of in the barracks. Many late night, whispered conversations had been exchanged between the two women.
"Not yet," she shakes her head, "I wanted to hear your thoughts first."
Petra smiles, truly touched, and allows Maia to continue.
"What if these headaches mean something? What if they're not just something hereditary like my father led me to believe?"
Petra knew the woman suffered from bouts of terrible, painful headaches. It was one of the first things Maia had confided in her about during those quiet discussions in their bunks. The headaches happened quickly, over in just a few moments, but Petra can still vividly recall the many times she had seen Maia swaying on the spot, gripping her head and hissing, clearly in pain. Apparently these episodes had been happening to the golden haired woman for as long as she could remember.
"Are you saying your father lied to you?" Petra's eyes widen. Maia's father was her hero, her favorite person on Paradis. She idolized that man and spoke of him often.
Maia sighs and pushes her plate around on the countertop distractedly. She brings her forefinger and thumb from her other hand up to rub the corners of her eyes near the bridge of her nose. "Maybe he didn't know either. Ugh, I don't know. This has really given me a lot to think about. But Eren is already being put through so much. I can't ask him to help me with this just yet, right?"
"Well," Petra takes both her and Maia's empty plates over to the sink, "some rest might do you some good. No use bringing on another headache tonight by thinking too hard on it. Anyway, Eren is definitely going to be occupied for the rest of the night. Poor kid. But maybe we can talk to Hange tomorrow about this. Or Captain Levi."
"No," Maia shoots her head up, "not Levi. Not yet."
Petra stops, the plates still in her hands which hover over the sink basin, "Why not?"
If there is one person that Maia trusts more than anyone else, it's Levi. Why wouldn't she want him to know? He practically knows everything there is to know about her. Or at least, that's what Petra always thought. She would never understand those two. No matter what her feelings for the captain are, she knows they can't possibly hold a candle to what Levi and Maia feel for each other, as pigheaded and oblivious as those two act. So, why keep this from him? Of all things?
"He has enough to worry about," Maia explains and clarifies, "with Eren. With the government breathing down our necks about the trial decision. Erwin is keeping a close watch on all of us and Levi feels responsible for the success of this mission. I can't have him worrying about me and my stupid headaches now too. Because you know he will."
Petra understands, she really does, but she also wishes she could smack both of them upside their heads.
"Dark and light," she mumbles to herself as she places the plates in the sink.
"Hmm?"
"Oh," Petra wipes her hands dry with a rag, "dark and late. The hour, I mean. A dangerous combination. We should get some rest. I won't tell Captain Levi. But, maybe, at some point...you should consider telling him yourself. He," Petra swallows, "cares about you, you know."
Maia can tell how hard it is for Petra to be having this conversation. She feels a deep sadness in the pit of her stomach. Nothing is going their way right now. Everything is a mess and her friend, whose friendship she values infinitely, who wears her feelings on her sleeve, is trying to comfort her over the very thing that is making her heart break. It isn't fair. None of this is.
A sad smile comes to her lips and she looks down at her hands cradled in her lap. "Dark and light," she repeats quietly and Petra's eyes widen. She was unaware Maia had heard. Did she hear their conversation from earlier too?
Petra decides to take a chance, "Do you...do you know the thing about dark and light?"
Maia looks over to her, eyes warm and caring and full of understanding. She shakes her head, "What thing?"
She could handle this. Handle her heart breaking over this. She is Petra Ral, for goodness sake. The first woman ever chosen for an elite squad. Her hands had slayed Titans out in the wilds! Surely they could put her own heart back together, especially because all of this was for her friend's sake, one of the dearest friends she has ever had. Who was she to deny her friend support? Friendship? Sisterly love?
Yes, she could do this even if it hurt like hell because it was clear as day that the captain did not have eyes for her. And how could she fault Maia for that? How could she fault anyone? She could stare and pine and dream all she wanted, but it wouldn't change anything. Petra knows this. She is no fool. A strong, capable, mature woman, yes. A fool? Absolutely not. Captain Levi would never belong to her, would never be hers. Even if his stubborn ass hasn't realized it yet, he already belongs to someone else, has given his heart over to another.
"Dark and light," Petra explains, "the very idea of one can't even exist without the existence of other. They...they need each other to...to exist."
Petra leans forward, ignores the moisture gathering in her eyes, pretends she doesn't see the same glistening sheen on Maia's, and grasps her friend's hand gently in her own.
"You should tell the captain someday soon, Maia. About the headaches. And about..." Petra trails off, imploring Maia with her eyes to just understand what she means. For the love of Paradis just understand what she means! Petra squeezes her hand, "I...I just want you to be happy, Mai."
I just want you both to be happy.
Maia cannot find the strength to dislodge the lump in her throat in order to reply to the woman sitting so strong, so firm and unyielding, across from her. She shakes her head a few times, tries to make sense of how she could have possibly gotten so lucky in having a friend like Petra. Finally, she decides on squeezing the younger woman's hand tighter and giving her a few nods followed by a watery smile. She cannot not do what her friend wants, not right now at least, because the very thought of it terrifies her and makes her chest hurt. From the look on Petra's face, she gets that.
Both of them laugh; sounds that are a mixture of equal parts sadness and happiness come from each.
Afterwards, with their hands still clasped together, the two women sit in silence for a long while and they both think of the same thing.
Dark and light.
A/N: Wow, I am so happy to see the favorites, follows, and reviews! Thank you all so much! Those really do mean the absolute world to me. Truly. Thank you a million times over. Please continue to tell me what you think - I love the feedback! Review and/or PM me any time :)
This chapter is just...I love Squad Levi so much. I love funny Oluo and clueless Levi and boisterous Hange and even lil' baby Eren being so scared to let everyone down even though he has the whole world on his shoulders and sometimes also a huge boulder and, ugh, you poor thing, Eren.
I love Petra the most in this, though. She deserved so much more time in the manga and in life. She is great - I love her to pieces - and often when I read about her as a sort of antagonist in a Levi/OC story I am just so immediately not into that. She's such a gentle soul but in combat she gets. shit. done. She's the ultimate boss gal and I am HERE for it. So I just always find it hard to believe that she wouldn't use logic and kind of concede to the fact that Levi may want to be with someone else? Like...the woman has more important things to do than sabotage someone else's happiness? Making her an enemy just seems so against the strong female personas that SnK portrays. I don't know, maybe I'm making no sense at all. I just can't see Petra becoming a vindictive bitch, okay? She is a total gem. And Maia needs gems. Petra is fabulous and I will hear nothing else about it! (:P)
I'm sorry that at this point in our story here Levi and Maia still have exactly zero parts of their act together. Love a good angsty romance...to a point. More action will happen soon. There are Titans out there, you know, and that inevitable, awful, terrible, Female Titan forest massacre moment. Well, we'll see how I write that because...y'all I am dreading it. I'm almost there in what I have written so far and...ugh...Squad Levi deserved so much better. Goddamnit, Annie.
Anyway, thank you for reading (especially my Author's Notes, lol), for following along with Levi and Maia and even Eren (who I can now admit, I care about! We are growing as a person, y'all!) as they take the lead on steering our story focus. There are exciting things to come and I can't wait for you all to join me on this journey!
Until next time! xx