Disclaimer: I do not own SnK either the manga or the anime. I also do not own the events in the No Regrets storyline either. Anything original is my own.

Chapter Seven: Even if it breaks your heart

Present day…

She is inconsolable. Her hands grip at the dusty ground below. Dirt crusts under her nails. Sobbing, wailing, shrieking out into the aether, she struggles in Maia's arms but only because she wants to flail her own, not because she wishes to escape.

"Sssh," Maia tries to soothe her, calm her friend so that she isn't so loud, so hysterical, but it is working very little. She can barely contain the wriggling mass of shrieks and wild, untamed brown hair in her arms "We'll find out who did this. Erwin will make sure of it."

"SONNY!" Hange yells up to the sky, glasses askew on her face. "BEEEEEAN!"

Maia locks eyes with Levi who is standing next to Eren and Erwin, their hoods up, and gives him a helpless look. He merely shrugs and stares at the moaning squad leader who is, for all intents and purposes, a sniveling mess on the ground. Hange is crying near the two steaming and decaying Titan bodies; all that is left of them at this point is their bones, and even those are rapidly becoming desiccated by the heat of the sun. While it is beyond Maia's comprehension why Hange can adore her Titan test subjects so much, she never likes to see her friends in distress, especially one of her oldest and dearest ones.

"Oh, Hange," she breathes out softly, pats her back lightly, "do you want me to leave you with them? To...say goodbye? I can bring you some tea, if you'd like. Tea always helps me when I'm sad."

"I'm not sad," Hange sobs into Maia's shirtsleeve once and then pulls her face out in a burst of rage, "I'M FURIOUS! WHO DID THIS?!"

"Hey, shitty glasses," Levi's voice sounds behind them, rough and biting, almost a hiss as he tries to keep relatively quiet, "you're making a scene and you look like a fucking fool. Pull it together and come with us. Stop sobbing over those filthy Titans. Grab all the evidence you can and come with us."

"Um, Squad Leader Hange?" It's Moblit, Hange's assistant. He approaches them cautiously from their left. "I already managed to take as many samples as I could of what was left while you were, um, preoccupied."

"You mean sobbing her brains out?" Levi deadpans and Maia reaches out to swat at his cloaked leg. With Maia's hand removed briefly, Hange almost manages to claw her way out of Maia's tight embrace so she can presumably crawl towards the remains of Sonny and Bean. Quick reflexes allow Maia to surge forward and reclaim her friend's limbs, pull her back into her chest. Hange wails again and Maia shoots another disapproving look towards Levi. The captain looks unaffected.

"Uh, well, ah, yes, I suppose that is...what she was doing, yes," Moblit, poor Moblit, stutters out. Maia gives him a sympathetic look. Dealing with Hange's overactive emotions is certainly never easy.

"F-fine," Hange attempts to stand up, wobbles, and eventually uses Maia for support, though the sloppy bun wearing scientist towers over her friend. "I'll g-go. But, m-mark my words. I w-will find out w-who did this! And they'll p-pay! OH SONNY! BEAN! MAMA'S SORRY!"

"Oh, yikes," Moblit mumbles, "she's about to have a conniption."

"Now is when the breakdown starts?" Levi's face is impassive. He is unimpressed. "Tch. Let's go. People are staring and we have Eren with us."

Levi walks over to Hange's other side and assists Maia in carrying their half incapacitated comrade into the nearby Garrison barracks reclaimed after Trost's wall was sealed. He slips underneath one shoulder and helps to guide her away from the gathering crowd of cadets and officers alike.

"I can do it by myself, you know," Maia whispers over to him. She can not see him, but she knows he's smirking.

"Of course you can," he huffs, "but that doesn't mean you have to."

She tries not to let the blush take over her entire face. She's thankful Hange's half-alert form obscures Levi's view of her.

"Plus she's basically dead weight right now with how much she's carrying on. It'll be faster with two of us."

"What would I do without you, Levi?"

He knows it's a loaded question, clearly asking about more than just this situation. She's teasing him but voicing an honest concern at the same time. Because he knows what the answer would be if he asked it the other way around. He knows how he would be without her.

And he can't bring himself to entertain that notion.

So he sticks to being a smartass.

"I can drop her so you can find out."

He hears her laugh, and it is beautiful. "Please don't. We're almost there."

They make it to a meeting room and deposit Hange into the nearest chair. She slumps over and lays her head down on the table, silently sniffling into the wood. Moblit comes in after them, carrying a huge bundle of supplies and test kits in his arms. Maia wants to reach out to help but is afraid that if she pulls something out of the pile the entire mountain will come tumbling down. Eren follows them in with Commander Erwin and the young Titan-shifter looks like he's seen a ghost. His eyes are wide and he is clearly thinking about something troubling. Maia glances over at Levi, but he is avoiding her gaze. What does he know?

"Hange?" She gently shakes her friend on the shoulder. "Moblit is here. He has the samples and evidence. You should help him catalog and process it. I'm going to go make you some tea."

On her way out she grabs Levi by the elbow and all but drags him with her. He tries to ignore the warmth that shoots up his arm at her touch. At the earliest possible moment he pulls himself away from her. He can't risk latching on to her and never letting her go. They walk down the hall side by side.

"What was that for?"

Maia looks at him through her peripheral vision, her hands clasped behind her back so she isn't tempted to reach out and touch his elbow again. "Don't give me that, Lee. What happened with Erwin and Eren? I was hyper-focused on Hange for two seconds and now Eren looks like someone pulled the rug out from under him."

Levi sighs, his shoulders drooping only slightly before straightening out again. "Not here."

The pair hurry as inconspicuous as possible to the kitchen where they find two soldiers fighting over a ration of smoked meat.

"You two," Levi growls out, "scram."

The two fall all over each other trying to leave first, abandoning the meat on the counter. One smacks into the doorjamb in his haste to leave the room. The other doubles back, grabs the dried food, looks at Levi, squeaks out an apology or a plea to not punch him, and hurries out, bumping into a table and a counter along the way. Maia can barely contain a laugh behind her hand.

"Wow, Lee," she bursts into a fit of light laughter after the door shuts, "you really have a way with people, don't you?"

He tries to ignore the way her laughter sounds, how it makes him feel. Lighter. Happier. Content. Ever since Hange woke the entire goddamn castle up with her hysterical screaming, he had been on edge. The ride to Trost had been hurried and the entire day so far had been full of new problems. But now, as Levi looks over at her, giggles rolling out of her, face flushed a warm pink, golden hair slipping over her shoulders, he thinks he has never seen anything more beautiful. The sight calms him, warms him, soothes his weary soul. Even in this piss-poor lighting, surrounded by dirty dishes that some shitty garrison soldier forgot to clean, he thinks she is breathtaking.

How can someone light up a room like she does?

For a moment he is mesmerized by her. He takes the few, fleeting seconds to drink her in, commit this to memory. When would he see her laugh next? He could never be sure. Better to memorize every single inch of her in this state while he can. Because next month they go outside the Walls again. Because next month she might…

Levi sobers faster than ever. He clears his throat.

"That's rich coming from someone who prefers the company of horses."

She is still smiling as she hops up on the butcher block counter behind her. "You know you're welcome to join me out there whenever you want."

"Pfft," he scoffs, "and be around all of that horse shit? I'll pass."

Her mirth is subdued now, but he can see it still bubbling under the surface. He has to look away, somewhere else besides her warm, amber eyes and her teeth sinking into her bottom lip. She cocks her head to the side, hair the color of sunbeams tumbling over one shoulder. Her legs swing lazily below her.

"Levi," her voice is a whisper, and she uses his full name. Suddenly, the air in the room turns serious. "What happened back there? Why was Eren so shaken?"

He chooses to lean against a bare wall near her. When he answers, he stares at the ground, arms crossed, "Those Titans, the test subjects… Erwin thinks they were killed by someone wearing vertical maneuvering gear."

Immediately Maia's legs stop moving. She sits there, still as a windless day, and stares at Levi with those damned amber eyes. He has to look at them now. When he does, his insides flood with heat. His face does not betray the roiling pit of emotions swirling inside of him.

"Erwin thinks a scout killed Sonny and Bean?"

He nods.

"But," Maia's eyebrows scrunch together and a slew of questions spill out of her, "why would someone do that? What is the advantage to killing a captured Titan? To stop Hange's research? We had actual Titans to study! How does it make sense to kill them?"

Levi shrugs and adjusts his arms over his chest. Maia watches the fabric of his shirt stretch around his muscles. She forces herself to look away. "Who knows? There's some weird shit going on around here and it's unsettled Erwin. Everyone has to have their ODM gear checked starting this afternoon."

"And he told you all of this in the two seconds I wasn't paying attention to you?"

Levi smirks, "You were helping Hange out of her stupor for longer than two seconds. And if you must know, Eren looks like he's about to shit his pants because eyebrows asked him if he suspects anyone in particular for slaughtering those Titans."

"W-what?" Maia jumps down from the counter and throws her arms out, "Why would Eren have any clue as to who did this?"

Levi shrugs again, almost touched by how much Maia seems to care for the boy, "The kids knows the cadets better than we do."

"So now it's one of the cadets? Holy mother," Maia brings a hand to her forehead and slumps back against the counter. After a moment her eyes widen and she turns to him with a gasp, "Levi, what if...what if someone out there knows why the Titans are here?"

Levi swallows. He had thought of that when Erwin voiced his suspicions. Could that really be possible though? Could there be someone out there, among them, part of them, who knows the secret behind why the Titans appeared? Why they keep appearing? It all made his head spin, the idea that someone, maybe multiple someones, knew about the world beyond the Walls.

It made the fire in Erwin's belly even hotter, he knew, but all it did for him was give him an even heavier weight in his. People keep dying, his people keep dying. And one day she could...what if...

"Could be," he nods over at her, "which is scary as shit. If they know that, what else do they know? And how can they use it against us?"

Maia taps her lips with her pointer finger, deep in thought. "The world beyond the Walls," she echoes Levi's thoughts perfectly, "might be full of people! Levi…" she lets out a sigh that is full of wonder, like a daydreaming child, "we might not be the only ones left."

He doesn't like how that makes him feel. Other people outside of Paradis? People inside the Walls could be terrible, ugly, and awful. He has no illusions that those outside, if there were even any to begin with, would be any better than those he'd been dealing with all his life. As if the threats they face now weren't bad enough, there might be more to add on that list. More things that could threaten everything Levi cared about.

Everyone.

His squad.

Erwin. Hange.

Hell, even Eren goddamn Jaeger could be put on that list. Tentatively.

And, of course, her.

His gaze roves up and down Maia's form, takes her in, leaning against the counter, though he doesn't need to. She is so precious to him, the most important person in his life, though he can't bring hismelf to tell her so, and he cannot bear the idea of someone unknown - not a stupid, ugly Titan or a dirty, scumbag human from Paradis, but someone from a world he doesn't even know - hurting the single most special person to Levi. No. He would not stand for that. If someone in their ranks really did know about why the Titans came here, whether created or grown or sent by a malevolent god of whatever the fuck, he would find them. And he would make them tell him everything. And then after that...if they admit to wanting to hurt them, to hurt her with those Titans, well…

Then he would kill them. Slowly. Torturously.

"You look like you're trying to blow a hole through that wall with your mind."

Maia is looking at him with those soft eyes that fill him with warmth, concern written on her face, that face that is as bright as the sun. Levi shakes his head, giving her a humorless smile. He wishes he could do more to reassure her that he is fine, but he knows she would see right through that anyway.

"Anyone who is on the side of the Titans can't be good for us, Maia. What if there are more of them? A lot of them? What if they come here? Attack us? Then what? We'd be completely fucked, Maia, especially after Trost. Erwin has a hard enough time as it is keeping the soldiers we do have here. And to top it all off, tomorrow is the recruit ceremony."

Maia sighs, her hands wringing themselves together in front of her. She looks effectively chastised even though he didn't mean to come off that way. He knows he just shot down any hope she had of there being good people out there. Levi is a cynical person by his very nature, and he often forgets in the heat of things that Maia is a perpetual optimist, despite all of the shit she has been through. His little beacon of light. It pains him to have to dampen it.

Her hands come up to cover her face and she groans, "Well, then, this is all just...terrible, isn't it?"

Levi shifts his weight, stoops his posture so he can be level with her downcast and covered eyes, "We've certainly been through worse, though."

Her amber eyes peek out from between her splayed fingers. Their eyes lock. She gives him a soft smile, his own personal smile, and he feels his stomach doing that god awful somersault again. "We certainly have, haven't we?" She says it with a bittersweet sort of tone.

He wants to reach out, to touch her, and he knows it shows on his face. Comfort. It's what they both need, what they both want right now.

Tomorrow is when the Survey Corps will find out if they've been screwed over again or not with recruit numbers. The fewer recruits, the less likely that any of their future missions will even be able to function properly. And gods forbid if what Levi and Maia just discussed is actually a very real truth. Erwin's scouting formation relies on numbers and willing soldiers. If they don't get enough...well, then that's it. Erwin is determined but not stupid. He wouldn't risk the remains of the regiment by putting them into such haphazard formations all for the sake of going outside of the Walls. If they can't keep scouting, keep pushing for a way to beat the Titans, then, well, all of their losses, everyone who died…

What good will those deaths have done?

Maia sees his eyebrows draw in, the conflicted expression pass onto his handsome face. He is warring with himself, with the boundaries they have painstakingly and possibly foolishly set. She sighs and gives him a knowing look.

"It's okay, Lee," she says quietly, "it's okay."

He hangs his head, a rare show of outward emotion, and shakes it slightly. How this woman can know exactly what he is thinking, what he is feeling, will never cease to amaze him. Briefly, he wonders if distance is the right course of action. It has been like this for so long. The constant yearning, the constant need. What if he just reached out? What if he just touched her? Isn't having a good thing for an unknown amount of time better than not having it at all?

Then he thinks of them. Thinks of that time. He closes his eyes. A memory washes over him, disembodied voices and that terrible feeling of dread and despair.

Pick one.

There's no time to waver.

"I'm going alone...you two join up with Flagon...I'll get the documents and then…"

"Levi! I'm going too!" Isabel. So persistent. So unyieldingly loyal.

"Who's more likely to become Titan chow?...If the four of you stay together, it'll raise their chances of survival…"

"LEVI! Keep your cool and think! If you wait a little the fog might clear up!...Acting alone is dangerous!" Furlan. Always the strategist. Always thinking ten steps ahead.

"I heard you already! I can do it by myself! TRUST ME!"

His eyes, Furlan's eyes, so betrayed. Turned away from him as the rain drips down his face. "Is that an order, Levi?"

A gasp. A gasp from Levi. "An order…? Why does it have to come to that?" The rain is still coming down in buckets. He is soaked to the bone. His cloak sticks to him unpleasantly. "I'm just...the two of you…"

Laughter. Laughter as they ride together. They are laughing together. Those two. The two of them…With him...

"Fine." His mouth is wide in a smile as he laughs, pure and outright and loud. When Furlan laughs, he looks younger, like an adolescent, free of the worries he holds so close to him. "I'll trust you."

He turns towards him. Cobalt eyes. A sure smile. Trust, clear as day, painted all over his face. Trust in Levi.

She looks at him too. Determination in her features. A face set with loyalty. Always loyal. Loyal to Levi.

"Make sure you come back, Levi!"

He shakes his head to clear the images, their faces, but he still sees them. The memory has long since sunk its claws into his mind, burrowing deep, settling into him forever.

Screaming. So much screaming. She's there. Somewhere. He sees her horse, Iris. But where are…

"HURRY!"

Furlan...Isabel…

It happens so fast. That move...that stupid fucking move she couldn't stop talking about. She's flying. Flying right through the goddamn air towards…

I'm going to end up letting everyone die.

My choice…

...was the wrong one.

"Levi?"

At her voice, he comes back to the present. He is shaking. It's faint, barely noticeable, but of course she sees it. Her eyes soften, realization dawning on her. She gives him a small, sorrowful smile. Not a pity filled smile that's full of sadness for him, like he's some child who needs to be coddled, but a smile that is full of sadness for them, their lives, their future. What is and what can never be. Not now. Not after…

"It's okay." She says it again. She knows. She always fucking knows. He hates himself for it a little more.

"No," he shakes his head, finding his voice, though it is low and hoarse now, "it's not."

Maia moves towards the door, taking care to not bump into him in any way. He clenches his jaw, balls his fists. If he could only touch her. If only he could feel her. More than a hand feather-light against her chest. More than a bump in a crowded corridor. If only he could hold her. Just this once. Please...why can't he...just this once.

His hands stay by his sides and he finds himself hating them too.

"You're right," Maia admits quietly and her voice breaks his heart, "it's not okay."

She turns the doorknob and smiles sadly at his back.

"But it has to be."

Levi is alone in the room now. When the door fully closes he takes no time at all in grabbing the nearest dish and hurling it against the far wall. The ceramic bursts into large chunks which shatter even more when they hit the countertop. He lets out a single cry, a low guttural sound, and kicks at a cabinet. This day has been long already and so full of shit. He feels like he can't breathe suddenly. Has to grab at his chest, has to try to pry that awful, sinking feeling out, get it away from his heart. His fingers grip at his shirt, ball around the fabric not giving a single fuck about wrinkles, but the feeling, that heaviness, persists. He can never get it out. It will stay with him always. He knows this.

He grabs another plate.

Outside, Maia can hear him in the kitchen. Her eyes are shut tightly. She squeezes her lids together in an attempt to will herself not to cry. In her chest her breath catches when he cries out from behind the closed door.

Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry.

He would know. He would know she is crying, would sense it, feel it, and he would come out and…

He would want to hold her.

And she would let him.

And that would be the end of that.

Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry.

He hates seeing her cry. She knows this. She knows he knows she knows this. But the outcome...what he would want to do...after that energy back in the kitchen? After all this time? So many years...so many long years.

But what he was reliving in there...She knows what it was. She was there. She was...she was there.

"Look for a horse! The survivors should run!"

"I'm not leaving you!"

"God damnit, Beckett, just listen to me for once in your life!"

"No, no, no! Not again. This can't be happening again!"

"Get it together, Beckett, and find a damn horse! Now!"

"BEHIND YOU!"

Blood. So much blood. She's covered in it. And his face. Oh gods his face when he saw he wouldn't make it in time. He wouldn't get to them.

She couldn't risk being the reason that look was back on his face. She couldn't get closer. No matter how badly her heart yearned for it. How badly her body wanted it. Her mind. Her soul. Every part of her itching to touch that palpable energy in the room, to break it open, let it wash over her.

No.

Distance was the best course of action.

Even if it breaks her heart.

Even if it breaks his.

A/N: I don't know why I make them suffer so much. These poor babies. I have a fair bit of this story written already and, uh, it doesn't stay this angsty the whole time, if any of you were worried. Rest assured. I also know that the sexual tension is already bad but we must remember that Levi and Maia have known each other for eight years at this point and have been through it, y'all. So in these present day chapters there are already a lot of memories and feelings charging their relationship. I worry some might think the tension is too early, but they do have an established history already, which is slowly being revealed in alternating chapters. I hope this is all going alright for everyone! Let me know what you think either in reviews or in PMs. I love hearing from you all!

Thank you to everyone who has followed, favorited, and reviewed so far. I am so grateful! You're all wonderful. Thanks for reading Maia and Levi's story. I am enjoying writing this so very much.

Much love to you all! xx