Disclaimer: I do not own SnK either the manga or the anime. I also do not own the events in the No Regrets storyline either. Anything original is my own.
Chapter Nine: The Hard Choices
Present day...
Jean is about to piss his pants. He wills his legs not to shake and his bladder not to completely betray him as he stands before the stage among his fellow graduates. The disastrous images from Trost are still burned into his mind. When he closes his eyes, they appear, they haunt him. He is watching Erwin Smith give a patriotic speech, but his insides are roiling, distracting him, pulling his mind towards dark, disturbing places.
How can I just forget what I saw?
Commander Smith speaks on the necessity of taking a new path to Shiganshina, to Jaeger's basement. They must go the long way from Karanes district. "The path that took one of our battalions four years to clear is completely lost. During those four years over ninety percent of the Survey Corps soldiers died. That's ninety percent in four years."
I can't stay. I signed up to become an MP. I didn't want this. I can't stay here.
Jean looks out of his peripherals to his friends. Armin. Mikasa. Sasha. Connie. Reiner. Bertolt. Krista. Ymir. Annie. People he came to know during his training years. People with whom he experienced the unspeakable events of Trost. All of that carnage...that death.
Marco.
At the thought of his best friend Jean squeezes his eyes shut only to shoot them open seconds later. Images of Marco's face half-eaten and torn apart flash through his mind. It takes everything in him not to vomit all over his boots right then and there. He thinks he will never come to terms with his death, with losing him.
Marco.
"The Survey Corps is always looking for talented people. Since many are killed every time we go out, we suffer from a chronic shortage of personnel."
If I stay here I will die.
Someone a few rows behind him is crying softly.
"I won't hide it," Erwin continues, "Those of you who join the Survey Corps will participate in an expedition beyond the Wall one month from now. A supply route needs to be put in place as soon as possible. I believe the mortality rate for new recruits going on their first journey Outside is about fifty percent."
If I stay here I will die.
Someone, he thinks it may be Krista, whimpers.
"But those who do get through it go on to become superior soldiers with a high survival rate. Now you know the dismal state of affairs. Those of you who are still willing to put your lives on the line, remain here."
If I stay here I will die. I have to leave. I have to move.
Erwin's eyebrows are straight, his gaze severe as he levels them all with a firm look. "Let me reiterate...The majority of the people who stay here and enter the Survey Corps will likely die. Ask yourselves if you really have it in you to sacrifice your life for humanity."
The fingers of Jean's left hand are surely turning blue from how hard he is gripping them with his right. He looks around the stage, tries to avoid staring at Erwin any longer. In the wings he can see a few of the current regiment members standing there. A golden haired woman is shaking her head, a hand to her face. Another woman next to her, her hair a strawberry blonde, stands with her hands in fists at her hips. She looks less than pleased. A man near the two women, who is tall and muscled and the epitome of a soldier, sporting a close shaved blond beard, has his hands out, palms up as if to ask "why did you just give a speech like that?!"
Jaeger is there too, he thinks. The figure has their hood up, but he would know Jaeger's stance anywhere. The golden-haired woman is close to him, right at his side, and once she finishes shaking her head at Erwin's less than encouraging words, she wraps an arm around the figure's shoulders, draws him close. She whispers something to him and Jean can't help but be surprised.
People have already begun to care for Jaeger here… Jean thinks to himself. They are trying to comfort him. Jaeger, of all people...that kid...he has to be here. He's got no choice. Because of what he is. What he can do. But even if he couldn't turn into a Titan...I know that shithead would still choose to be here, to fight for humanity. He's always been that way. Stupid. Reckless.
Brave as all hell.
The sound of boots scuffing against the ground hits his ears. Graduates are leaving the area, opting not to sign their lives over to Erwin Smith, deciding against sealing their deaths by joining his cause. Humanity's cause.
Shit...I'm begging you here. Don't make me...hate myself more than I already do.
Goddamnit why does he feel bad about wanting to leave? This has been his plan all along! Survive the Training Corps and then become a member of the MPs. Live a cushy life in the capital and reap the benefits of the pay without the risk of being eaten alive. This has been the plan! So why the hell are his feet not moving? Was it Trost? Was it what he saw in Trost?
So many deaths. So many people killed by those creatures. The Titans. They...they ate them. Ate so many. People I trained with. People I knew. Marco...they ate Marco.
God fucking damnit if Eren Jaeger could do it, could still stand tall even when his life was basically forfeit and belonged to the Scouts then so could Jean Kirstein. It is the worst idea he has had to date. The stupidest thing he has ever done and maybe even will ever do in his entire life, but damn it...he's doing it. He is staying.
He is…
"If you were told to die...could you do it?"
No. I don't know if I could. But...it's not about knowing if I can or can't, right? It's about knowing that at the time when it matters most, I'll be able to make the hard choices. I'll...I'll be fine if I just stick to my guns, won't I? Do what I've always done? I don't know if I'll be able to die, but who really is? It's in us all to fight, to keep fighting and try our damndest to survive. Hell, even I can do that. I...I owe it to Marco. I owe it to myself.
He is going to stay…
He is…
He is going to…
He takes a deep breath.
And he stays.
"Eren!"
Armin and Mikasa run full force to greet the teen. His legs give out as they reach him, overwhelmed at the sight of his friends; they throw their arms around him as he falls into their embrace. There is laughter and a few tears and Eren thinks he may have forgotten what it means to be happy until this moment reminded him that he used to know it, used to know happiness and joy.
"You're here! You guys are here!" He pulls back in their arms, looks at them almost in disbelief, "You guys...joined the Scouts!"
Mikasa glares at him and punches his arm, "Of course we did, Eren! Did you think we wouldn't?"
"We're always going to be where you are," Armin nods in affirmation, his innocent face lit up like a sunny day. Somehow he has retained his youthful glow, his optimistic worldview. Though Armin's face has the faintest of worry lines, so light they are hard to even spot, his smile is still intact, warm and comforting as it has always been.
Jean approaches them with the others in tow. Eren looks at all of them one at a time. He is still kneeling in the dirt with Mikasa and Armin by his side. They're all here. His friends.
"You all...stayed. I...I couldn't believe it when I saw you all still there." Eren is silent for a moment before he breathes out, "Why?"
"Well, don't think we did it for you," Jean scoffs, and red appears across his cheekbones. He looks away, down towards the well-worn, graveled ground. He scuffs his boot arbitrarily and a small cloud of ashy dust plumes around his feet.
Reiner crosses his arms, large and powerful guards across his chest, "It's the right thing to do."
Bertolt nods his head in agreement, stands there almost shyly next to his best friend, "Even though we're scared as hell."
"We'll probably die," Sasha adds uneasily, giving a nervous laugh that seems fitting for her personality.
"But," Connie shrugs in that good-natured way of his, "I think we've seen too much to back out now."
Krista jumps in, "Besides, we're all together, right? Just like in training!"
"All except Annie," Ymir points out, only slightly put out by the fact that Annie had abandoned them for the MPs. She had thought after Trost they all would stay together. But Ymir has been wrong many times before.
The group is silent for a few moments, letting the events of the day sink in. Footsteps sound from behind them, and as a unit they all turn towards the noise.
Jean recognizes the two women he saw in the wings of the stage earlier. Their faces are kind, strides relaxed. Both are even more striking up close. But maybe that's because he's young still and the sight of any woman draws his eyes. He looks around for the man that had been with them but he doesn't see him anywhere.
The torches lit around the now emptied stage area bathe both of their complexions with a warm glow. There are no Titans around, no danger, and it is nice to just be able to observe pretty females for a few blissful moments. The night is cool around them and a light breeze gently moves their hair around. How long has it been since he could just admire a woman's features? Too long...and he'd only just recently become interested at all, to boot!
"Eren," the shorter of the two smiles so warmly at Jaeger that Jean feels that same surprise from the ceremony all over again. Smiling? At Jaeger? The kid is an absolute mess. How can she…? She was the one who hugged him earlier. Why…? "Are these your friends from training?"
Her eyes remind him of honey.
Eren nods and makes his way to his feet. His legs are too long, like a newborn animal with awkward proportions, Jean thinks. Lanky and all limbs. How can he be the recipient of such a smile? Such attention from these women? Is he being too hard on the kid? After all they had been through? Maybe...But maybe he is still reeling from his decision to join the Scouts. To give his life over for humanity's sake. That could be the reason his emotions are all over the place now.
"We'd like to meet them if that's okay with you?" The other woman speaks, still friendly but reserved, only a little distant. She eyes him will a small amount of skepticism and hesitation lying just under the surface of her gaze. Jean watches her draw a piece of her short hair behind her ear. He thinks the action allows her rounded cheeks to become more prominent, lets the flames dance along the sharp line of her jaw down to the point of her chin.
Eren blinks before regaining composure, or, well, whatever composure Jaeger can even boast to have. After all, to Jean he is still a kid among these soldiers, these legends. "Uh, sure! Yeah! Guys, this is Maia and this is Petra. They're in Captain Levi's squad."
Connie almost falls over, makes a sputtering sort of yelp and shoots his arms in the air like an absolute idiot. "No way! Captain Levi's Special Operations Squad? Wait. You're Maia Beckett? And you're Petra Ral? Wow…!"
Both women raise their eyebrows and share a look between each other. Petra is the one to speak, "Expecting different people? Cold-blooded killers, perhaps?"
Maia tacks on, "Are we not up to your expectations?"
"I, um, heh, no, I just…You handle those huge horses, don't you? Train them for battle? They're famous, the Scout's horses are, and, I, well, I just..." Connie's arm is furiously rubbing the back of his neck, his face breaking into a huge, nervous smile as he desperately tries to look anywhere but at Maia, "...thought you'd be...taller?"
Immediately, the woman in question is laughing. She has to place a hand on her knee to brace herself. Golden hair falls over her shoulders, spills down her front. The air is lighter, happier, now that she is filling it with her laughs. Jean is almost left breathless over the two women. People who have joined the Scouts, people who have been in the Scouts for years, they can still be happy? Was there hope for him still? Could his choice not have condemned him to just a brutal, gory death?
Petra is laughing too. Her eyes squint as she joins Maia, mouth falling open at the humor that Connie obviously doesn't understand. Jean watches her shoulders shake, her head fall back as she lets out actual giggles. The long column of her neck gleams, smooth in the light of the fiery torches. Their noises brighten everything around them.
Was any of this actually happening? Could any of this be possible? This laughter? This sense of...calm? Had he passed out upon making his choice to join the regiment? He thinks that might actually be a possibility. He must have passed out because there is no way that, after what he saw in Trost, Jean Kirstein could ever be calm again, could ever smile again. Slowly, he touches his mouth. There, right on his own face, his own lips, is a smile. It is small, but a smile nonetheless. It feels foreign to him, such an open display of happiness, but he allows it to grow just a fraction larger.
Yes, he totally must have passed out.
"What's your name?" Maia manages to ask once she has had her fill of mirth for the moment.
"Uh, Connie Springer, ma'am, err," he squints, tries to see if her uniform gives away her status, "Lieutenant? Captain? S...squad Leader?" Apparently Connie doesn't know everything about the Special Operations Squad.
"Doctor," she smirks, waves him off, "but just call me Maia, please. And I'll have you know that both yourself and Captain Levi are taller than me but shorter than everyone else here except for, well, this young woman right here."
"Krista Lenz," the tiny blonde introduces herself softly, her voice high in pitch and full of awe. Looking at two successful women who joined and survived their first outings with the Scouts is...incredible to her. Motivating. Reassuring. Maybe she hadn't made the wrong choice.
Maia nods warmly at her and Jean watches Krista's eyes widen, awestruck. "You're not saying height has anything to do with skill, are you? Because I can tell you that there is a certain someone who will not like that."
Petra covers a laugh with her hand as Connie sputters out, "Oh god, please do not tell Captain Levi I said anything! I didn't mean to-"
"Say what, cadet?"
"AH!" Connie jumps about a foot off the ground it seems, "C-captain Levi, sir!" He clumsily salutes out of pure terror that the man will actually pummel him to the ground after he'd just signed his life over to the Scouts. Man, I just signed up to die! It can't be happening this quickly! I thought a Titan would get me...not...not a commanding officer!
Levi is clearly waiting for an answer, standing there with his brow raised, an unamused expression on his face. When Connie offers nothing except a sweating face and a bunch of embarrassing mumbles, Levi glances over at the newest members of the Scout Regiment.
"These your friends, Eren?" He doesn't look at Eren when he poses the question. Jean finds himself shifting his weight from one foot to the other. The captain is intimidating, despite his height, and he sure as hell doesn't want to join Connie and be in his bad graces during the first thirty seconds of meeting him.
"Yes, sir. They were all with me in Trost."
"I see," Levi clasps his arms behind his back, regards them all with a hard stare. "You'll see worse out there, you know that right?"
Surprisingly (or maybe not), Armin is the one to speak up, "Yes, sir. But we're here, aren't we? We know the risks."
"Tch," Levi makes a noise in the back of his throat, "Do you? You better not have all stayed just to be together. If so, you'll be disappointed with how that works out for you."
"Levi," Maia hisses at him and reaches out to grab his arm. Eren's comrades all visibly tense at the action. Jean thinks he hears a gasp or two from his friends. Petra is merely standing there, a knowing look on her face, although, Jean notices, it's sort of crestfallen too. "Haven't they been scared enough tonight? Erwin's speech wasn't exactly inspiring. And it's just like this young man said. They're here, aren't they? We need them, Levi."
Her fingers are grasping his elbow and Jean watches the captain's face remain still at the contact. When he looks over at her, his face shifts, slightly, almost imperceptibly. Jean can't tell what emotion it is written there across the older man's face, but maybe it's because he's too young and inexperienced. Maybe it's because he has never felt whatever they are feeling. But he's only just met them both, barely knows them at all, let alone how they know each other. So, really, who is he to say what is going on?
A charge, a current, streaks through the group, but it is gone as quickly as it arrives. Captain Levi pulls his arm from her grasp gently, almost regretfully. Maia's fingers linger in the air a second longer than necessary before they drift back to her side. The captain's eyes close for one long moment, as if he were gathering himself for some reason, before they open again and glance away from Maia, his stare hard and dull once more. Jean and the others do not miss the fact that Maia called him Levi and didn't use his rank when addressing him.
"Fine," he relents, "but don't think you'll have any time to reunite and hug and shit tomorrow. We're cleaning the yard and mopping out the barracks. Don't miss morning meal. You'll be sorry if you do. I don't give breaks."
Maia rolls her eyes and turns back to them, "Ignore him for tonight. Enjoy catching up. I'm sure you want to hear everything, right, Eren? Don't stay up too late, though, okay? We'll see you in the morning and I'll meet the rest of you then. I'll be assigning you each a horse sometime soon. Get some rest and," she gives them a genuine smile followed by a true salute, "welcome to the Survey Corps."
Petra salutes as well, then waves and bids them goodnight, falling into step with Maia and Levi, the latter of whom has long since turned away from their group. Jean watches Maia slap Levi's arm, saying something to the captain that Jean can't quite hear. Whatever it is, it has the captain shaking his head, a small, nearly invisible smile on his lips that is revealed by a torch they pass on their journey away from the group of friends. All of them watch the trio until they are no longer visible.
"Holy shit," Connie breathes finally, "I thought I was going to die right then and there."
"Yeah, well," Reiner chastises him, has to pry Connie's fisted hand away from his chest, "maybe you shouldn't say such stupid things."
Connie is waving his arms up and down now, indignant, and finally relaxed out of the salute he felt the need to hold the entire time, "Well I didn't know he would come walking up to us out of the shadows at that exact moment, you jerk!"
"Hey," Sasha ignores the two men and turns to Eren instead, "Captain Levi and Maia seem close. I thought he didn't like anybody. Are they…?"
Eren shakes his head, "No, they're not."
"Oh," she is surprised, and even more perplexed that she also feels sad, "that's...a shame."
"Yeah," Eren agrees quietly, "you have no idea."
Mikasa chooses that moment to speak, "So, Eren, tell us everything."
Jean is the first one out of their group up the following morning. He could not sleep well the night before, tossing and turning this way and that for most of the long, seemingly endless hours. He can still hear the snores of Connie above him, can see Reiner's chest rising and falling from the bunk next to his. With a sigh, he figures he will not be getting any more sleep to add to the already dismal amount he's had, so he heaves his body out of the bottom bunk and slides on his boots.
After freshening up his face with some cool, fresh water, he makes his way from the barracks towards where he supposes the mess hall is. He'd only gotten a rough tour from Jaeger the night before as he led all of them around, the young teen telling them of what they'd missed since being separated.
The morning sun is still rising, almost groggily climbing up the wide expanse of the slowly lightening blue sky above. He can hear crickets and early birds singing, the buzzing of cicadas, the gentle hum that comes with the start of a new day. Again, he marvels at how calm he feels. Maybe he is in denial or something. Or maybe during the long night while he tangled and grappled with the endless thoughts that spun around in his head, he made peace with his decision, his choice. He doesn't know, probably won't ever know, but he is glad for it, whatever it is, that has allowed him even these few moments of contentment.
Inside the hall Jean finds a few scouts already awake, all veterans, of course, who are presumably used to early mornings and waking up well before the sun. They had not grown out of the routine like Jean and the others during their interim between Trost and the Recruitment Ceremony. Those few days seem so far away now, where Jean was sure he would be joining the Military Police.
He sees Maia sitting at a table with Eren, both nursing cups of tea. When he thinks about it, he realizes that he hadn't seen Jaeger in the barracks last night. With that thought in mind he strides forward towards the two. As he makes his way to the table he notices a third cup of tea, steam still rising off the top, sitting in the empty spot next to Maia. He thinks nothing of it for the moment, as Eren greets him softly, warily.
"Good morning," Jean mumbles back, unable to fully commit to moving on and accepting Jaeger, calling this a friendship, letting bygones be bygones. He thinks he will need a few more days, at least, maybe even more. He doesn't fully even know why he harbors such a dislike for the strong-willed kid, but he's unwilling to think any longer on it so early in the day.
"Good morning," Maia smiles over at him and gestures for him to sit on the empty bench next to Eren, "you're the first one up out of your friends. Early riser?"
Jean purses his lips, feels silly sitting there now without anything to hold in his hands, "Couldn't sleep, really. Didn't see the point in staying around people who could."
Maia nods in understanding, having been there herself many times before. They all have at one point or another. "What's your name, cadet?"
When she addresses him as 'cadet' it feels different from how Captain Levi had barked the rank at Connie last night. He wonders if others in the scouts are more like Maia or more like the captain. Maybe they're not like either. "Jean Kirstein."
"Well, Jean," Maia brings her cup of tea up to her lips, "I can tell you it does get easier after a while. Sleep will come. Best not to force it, though. I can recommend some good tea, if you'd like. The Scouts don't have much these days, but we have managed to procure a few good tea blends, strangely. You won't see me complaining about it."
Jean can only nod in agreement. He finds it hard to speak. What can he even talk about with them? Then he remembers Jaeger's absence in the bunks. "Hey, Jaeger, where did you sleep last night?"
Eren's face falls immediately. His usual wide-eyed, too-young expression disappears and is replaced with a frown and somber eyes. He reveals to Jean, "in the basement."
"Wh-" Jean cuts himself off, shakes his head, "This whole time? In the basement? What? Why?"
The younger teen clears his throat awkwardly, "In case I transform. Captain Levi doesn't trust me."
"Yet." Maia interrupts with a stern face. "He doesn't trust you yet, Eren. He'll come around. He's just worried."
"Worried about who?"
Maia looks at Jean with an odd expression, "Everyone, of course."
A skeptical looks flits across Jean's face, "The captain doesn't seem like the type to care about others, well, from what I've seen at least."
Maia purses her lips and sighs before eyeing the extra tea mug next to her. "Then you'll just have to get to know him better. You'll see." She turns to Eren. "You'll see too, Eren." Her small hand reaches across the table to cover one of his and again Jean is once again blown away by the affection he sees on her face for Jaeger, for the boy who can turn into one of them.
"Just give him time," she continues. "He'll come around."
Eren squeezes her hand and gives a weak smile in return. "I sure hope so."
Abruptly, Eren releases Maia's hand almost as if it had burned him, and straightens his spine. He stares at something behind Maia, eyes wide.
"G-good morning, Captain!" His voice shakes and he quickly puts his hands down below the table, onto his lap, as if they had been doing something wrong.
Jean does a double take. How did Captain Levi do that? He hadn't even seen or heard him coming! Yet, there he is, right behind Maia, eyeing the spot where her hand had held Eren's, his top lip tweaked upwards, clearly irked. He levels Jaeger with one more look, the emotion behind which Jean can't place once again, before taking a seat next to Maia. He nods over at her and grabs the cup of tea set out before him, raises the ceramic mug in a gesture of thanks before taking a sip. His fingers cover the top of the mug; they leave only enough room for Levi to drink the liquid. He disregards the handle completely.
"So," he sets the tea down, "tell me, Eren's friend,-"
"Jean," Maia informs him with an eye roll.
"-Jean," Levi corrects himself, albeit not because he wanted to, that much was for sure, "why did you join the Scouts?"
"Oh, Levi," Maia sighs out his name, exasperated, but the sound of her voice obviously invokes a different sort of response in the captain. His eyes soften, his head tilts towards her, and he looks at her with such a gentle expression across his brow that Jean is halfway inclined to grab Jaeger and let the two of them have a moment by themselves. Also, he is not really looking forward to answering the captain's question, so there's that.
"This poor young man hasn't even had breakfast yet. Why drill him now? You have the new recruits all day. I'm sure you can make them cry later." She winks over at Jean, obviously attempting to ease his discomfort.
The captain, although still looking at her like she is a precious gem, is not convinced by her warm eyes and pretty face. He presses on, giving Jean a look that clearly expresses that he is expecting him to answer. The way his face can shift from emotion to emotion is impressive.
"M-my friend," Jean clears his throat, doesn't understand why he is choked up all of a sudden, wishes he was not this way in front of his superior, "My friend Marco."
"And where is your friend Marco?" Levi wonders.
Jean looks down at the table, thinks of Marco's face, the torn flaps of skin left behind by the Titan that ate half of his body. He thinks of the way all of the tendons of Marco's neck laid exposed, hanging out of him. The way his skin had turned ashen and cold, his lips a sickly grey. His best friend, lying there, all alone, with no one to hold him during his last moments or to prevent them from even occurring. The guilt, the shame that Jean felt deep inside that day still continues even to this very moment. He thinks he will never rid himself of it. He hadn't been there for him, for Marco, his best friend, and for the rest of his life he will carry that burden with him. Will bear it and feel it more acutely than any other thing he could experience. He knows this to be painfully true.
Jean's eyes harden and his fingers clench themselves into tight fists. He gives Levi a hard stare and when he responds his tone is almost biting, is certainly bitter.
"Wherever they put the bodies after Trost."
Levi has the decency to look down at the table. Maia's amber eyes slide over to the captain then land on Jean after making a pass over Eren's still form. She frowns.
"I am truly sorry about your friend, Jean. It's hard, knowing a friend is gone."
"I saw him." Jean doesn't know why he's revealing all of this now, why he is even speaking any further about Marco. But here he is, no breakfast in his stomach to throw up all over the table, so he might as well continue on and get it all off his chest. "I saw his face. What they did to him. Those things. Those monsters."
He feels Jaeger flinch at his side, hears Maia's quiet whisper of "Eren", but he finds himself unable to stop the torrent of words spilling out of him. Like a dam that has finally cracked enough to unleash a deluge.
"I thought I would spend the rest of my life in the capital, living a cushy life, guaranteed safety. I thought it would be easy, maybe I could even slack off from time to time and still get paid for leisure. But then Trost happened and everything changed and I can't even tell you when it changed, but it did. I couldn't...I couldn't go back to how I used to be, how it all used to be. Especially not after I saw...he was just lying there! His face...it was...he had no fa-...I just couldn't go back."
His hand is warm suddenly, engulfed in a heat that spreads like a balm across his skin. He opens his eyes, now wet with unshed tears, and through blurry vision he sees that his hand is being covered by a small, calloused palm. Long, slender fingers curl gently around his tight fist, and with surprising strength they manage to somehow unfurl Jean's own digits with only a small amount of pressure. He watches as Maia's hand turns his over, sees her fingers weave through his own. She squeezes his hand reassuringly, as if to let him know that she's real, she's alive. He barely knows her, but she is a comfort to him. The smile on her face is genuine, but it is also sad.
"No, I guess you couldn't go back after that." She gives his hand another squeeze. "I watched my first squad all die at the hands and mouths of those Titans beyond the Walls." Her gaze shifts over to Levi, but the captain is still looking down towards the table, his gaze trained on his now empty mug of tea.
"And then I watched my second squad die as well."
Jean's eyes meet hers. She releases his hand and sighs, "It doesn't get easier, losing people you care about. I wish I could say it does. I guess if it did, if we did stop caring, stop feeling each death as hard and heavily as we do, that would make us less human, wouldn't it? But, you know, Jean, each time, you just get stronger, and you just get up again and again. Do you hear me, Jean? All we can do is keep getting up. You see their faces when you close your eyes and it hurts like nothing else will ever hurt, but you get stronger, every day, because they're always there with you. And when we're down, we get up over and over and over. That is what you can do for your friend, for Marco. Just keep getting up, every single time. That's all any of us can do. Right, Eren?"
The boy nods, turns to shift his body so that he is half facing Jean now. "We just have to keep pushing, Jean. I...I'm...you made the right decision. I-I know we don't really like each other," he shifts awkwardly, "but, I'm proud of you," he all but whispers, "for what it's worth. And I think Marco would be too."
Jean feels a lump lodge itself deep in his throat. Words. He wants to form words but he can't. They've given him so many words already this morning, Maia and Eren, that he feels like anything he adds now will just take away from theirs. Such encouraging words. Such emboldened words full of conviction. He feels a swell deep down in his heart that surges upwards and nearly makes him cry. But that damned lump is still in his throat and he can't do anything except stare at Eren and then stare at Maia and wonder when he started feeling like he should actually be calling him Eren instead of Jaeger, and gods he can't stop thinking about Marco now and the fact that Maia lost her squad twice. His entire morning has been so emotionally loaded already that he can't even imagine doing whatever Captain Levi has planned for them all.
Maybe he just needs food.
Lots of food.
"Well," Captain Levi clears his throat, finally deciding to look up from his tea and join the conversation, "that's about as much mushy and depressing shit as I can take for one morning. Training starts in two hours, cadets. Don't be late and piss me off."
The captain pulls his long legs out from underneath the table, sliding each one over the bench seat he'd been occupying. Maia's eyes watch him as he rises, and neither Jean nor Eren miss the look in her eyes. For that matter, they don't miss the look in Levi's either. Something in their conversation had triggered a memory the two shared, it seems, because clearly they are both only half here with them in the present.
Maia locks eyes with the captain as he stands fully, empty teacup in his hand. He gives her that soft look, the one he seems to use only when he's looking at her, the one that softens his features, makes him look younger, and adds a shine to his eyes.
"Thank you," he nearly whispers, then raises the cup slightly, "for the tea."
Maia nods and Levi watches her chest rise as she inhales as if reassuring himself that she's really there. "Of course."
Before he turns to leave, Levi's gaze drops to Jean. For a split second the younger man thinks he is about to be berated by his captain, for his gaze is severe and the dark shadows underneath his eyes make his face all the more grave. But, the captain surprises him.
"You made the right choice, kid. Don't doubt that or it'll get you killed."
And though the comment was given in a tone that was less than soothing, though it sounded a little bit like a warning, Jean finds himself feeling light. In a strange way, he feels that he just got a small amount of approval from Captain Levi. Another one of those seldom seen smiles appears on his face, the kind that Jean hadn't felt since long before Trost, long before that terrible, awful day. But there it is again, a smile, small but firm and planted right onto his lips. The captain doesn't spare him a second glance, but Jean thinks that maybe Maia is right.
Maybe there is way more to Captain Levi than he had at first believed.
There is one thing, however, that Jean now knows without a doubt. Despite nearly soiling his pants the day before and wholly doubting himself at every decision he has had to make, this is where he is supposed to be. Jean Kirstein is a Scout. He belongs in the Survey Corps. And all gods be damned if he isn't going to give it his all, give everything his all from here on out.
For the first time in a very long time, though he knows it will not always be this way, will take some time to fully change over, he closes his eyes and what he sees doesn't make his heart plummet, his gut wrench.
He closes his eyes and sees Marco.
And he is smiling.
A/N: WOW, y'all, this is THE longest chapter to date. And when I say this chapter had a mind of its own, I really mean it. In my head this wasn't going to be a Jean POV centered chapter but dangit if that isn't how it all shook out. This chapter was well over ten pages of writing and was truly a monumental task to write. When I saw what direction it was going, I knew I wanted to take my time on this one. I got a super lovely review reminding me to take my time and make sure I loved the chapter before posting it, and that was so incredibly encouraging. Thank you for that. I find some of my favorite chapters to write are not action chapters (which are coming soon, by the way), but ones where I get to delve into characters' minds and play around with their emotions, see how they would be feeling at any given time. Jean is a perfect canvas for that.
Before anyone panics, this will not be a "Jean pines over the OC like an attached puppy and struggles with his unrequited love" moment. I've got other plans for him and I really hope you all like them.
Thank you a million times over for all of the LOVELY reviews this story has gotten so far. I am truly blown away by them. Each and every one has a special place in my heart. I am so grateful for you, dear readers, and am excited to put out more chapters of this story. I've got such big plans :)
Stay tuned! xx