Disclaimer: I do not own SnK, neither the manga nor the anime. Any parts you recognize belong to their creator. All original content is my own.
Chapter Eleven: What We Give Up
Present day...
"Eren?"
He is down in the basement, in his new dungeon that pretends to be a bedroom, when her soft, honey-like voice floats down to him. Mikasa and Armin are there next to him, keeping him company. They are speaking quietly about adjusting to living here at the Scouts' old headquarters.
Captain Levi had instructed him earlier during the morning meal to wait down here until someone came to get him. They were working on a way to test his limits, he knew, still knows, thinks they have been doing so all morning. He supposes they have decided on a suitable strategy. Maia's legs appear on the staircase, her shadow pulled out of proportion against the wall thanks to the sputtering fire in the stairwell's sconce.
"Yes?" He breathes, looks up from the circle his friends have formed around him. To his left, Jean sits on a crate nearby fiddling with something in his hands, and to his right Sasha and Connie are rummaging through an old chest they had found covered in cobwebs and dust. Historia and Krista are nowhere to be seen. They disappeared right after they broke their fast. Eren recalls Krista saying something about the old training fields, but he isn't completely sure he'd heard correctly.
"Eren," Maia says his name again, smiles softly at him, "would you come with me, please? Hello, Armin, Mikasa," Maia bows her head slightly to them. They mirror her greeting and make to get up, but Maia holds out her small hand, halting them.
"I just need Eren," and when Mikasa goes to protest, hand clawing at her red scarf out of habit, Maia's gentle gaze stops her and her sweet voice continues, "and I promise to take care of him. If not, I'll let you at Levi myself."
Mikasa regards Maia with a critical eye for a long moment. Armin's gaze switches between both women. His eyes are always warm, similar to Maia's, and he wears his emotions openly, proudly on his face. The set of his mouth, the purse of his lips, tells Eren that Armin is waiting for Mikasa to make the final decision on what to do.
To her credit, Maia stands firmly and allows Mikasa's eyes to assess her. It is different from when they met after the recruitment ceremony. Then, Maia had been a senior Scout member but removed from their group. Now, she is taking Eren from them, albeit briefly, maybe, and asking that they trust her and Levi. Mikasa's eyes are narrowed. She remembers how Levi treated them at the felled Titan, how he treated Eren at his arraignment.
She doesn't trust Levi, Eren knows, but she isn't stupid enough to deny his request. It all comes down to whether she feels she can trust Maia with Eren.
Eren.
Mikasa's most precious friend. Her favorite person.
She regards Maia cooly. Can she trust this woman with him? Is Eren safe with her? He is her main concern, her top priority. She takes a breath. Everything she has ever done, it seems, has been to keep Eren safe, to watch over him. He saved her life, all those years ago when those filthy bandits stole the lives of her parents, and that is a debt she feels she will never pay off, will always owe to Eren. Not like Eren expects anything from her, of course, but she can't help how she feels. And to have been taken in by Eren's mother and father? That is something else for which she feels she can never fully convey her gratitude. Especially after Eren's mom...
Eren watches Mikasa's hand give a slight tremble. She wants to move, to stand from her crouched position, neither standing as Maia is nor seated like Armin, but something stops her. Maybe it is the warmth of Maia's eyes, or the sincerity she sees there. Maybe it is the way Maia allows Mikasa all the time she needs to give her own verdict, to hell with the punctuality Captain Levi demands. And maybe it is none of those things and it is simply the fact that in Maia Mikasa sees a wholly good individual. Eren thinks this might be it, because it is the first thing he himself feels, the first thing he himself sees, whenever he looks at Maia.
She is just wholly good. And it's hard to deny someone like that anything.
Mikasa folds her legs into a criss-cross. She makes her decision, gives a subtle nod to Maia. The veterinarian gives her a look that seems to say he is safe with me and Mikasa gives a more severe version back which replies he better be.
Maia smiles inwardly. She likes Mikasa. The girl, young though she may be, is wise beyond her years, and knows what is important to her. She is loyal to a fault, Maia can tell. The world could use more of that unwavering loyalty.
Briefly, a pair of clear, sparkling eyes flash across her mind. They are eyes she knows all too well, eyes that belonged to another girl who was fiercely devoted to her friends.
Eyes that once stared back at her lifelessly. Trapped, motionless, on the face of a severed head.
Maia blinks.
"Yer one of the good ones."
Blinks again. Clears her throat.
"Eren?" She tries to hurry him only slightly, aware that Levi won't forgive her tardiness forever. Desperation to get those sparkling eyes out of her head also prompts her to spur the boy on.
"Yeah," Eren moves closer to Maia, nods, "Yeah. Okay. Let's go. I'm ready."
The pair make their way upstairs, acutely aware of the eyes of Eren's friends staring holes into their backs as they go. Maia bumps Eren's shoulder gently with her own.
"It's going to be okay," she soothes. "Anything you're uncomfortable with...just say the word, okay? I'm on your side, Eren. Remember that."
If he hadn't been nervous before, he certainly is now.
"I, um," he is quiet for a few beats as they continue their walk, "is Hange going to...dissect me?"
She has to school her features, stop herself from bursting into laughter. As humorous as that seems to Maia, it is obviously a real concern to Eren. He practically shakes in his boots next to her. Instead of making him think she is mocking him, she tries to soothe his worries.
"Oh, Eren," she stops and lays a gentle hand on his arm, gives it a small squeeze for reassurance, "no, of course she won't. Hange is a lot of things, but inhumane is not one of them." She bobs her head from side to side for a moment and grins, "usually."
Eren can tell she is joking and manages to let a small smile slip onto his face. His worries are eased for now, but he can feel them bubbling just below the surface. He has no clue as to what they've decided to do with him in order to test his "abilities" and see what he can really do. If he is being honest, he is both terrified and exhilarated at the thought of finding out.
What if he hurts someone? Everyone?
He looks over at Maia who is waiting patiently for him to decide if they can continue walking.
But what if he saves everyone?
"Maia," he starts, "um, well, thank you. For being here with me. It means a lot."
Her smile gives off as much warmth as the lamps along the walls. She nods, "Of course, Eren. You don't have to thank me. Like I said, I'm on your side."
"What about Captain Levi?"
They resume walking again and he swears Maia's steps almost falter, "What about him?"
"I just, uh, I would just think you'd be on his side."
They are approaching a door now and Maia is slowing her steps. She gives him a strange look.
"You don't think the captain is on your side?"
He knows his face has twisted up into confusion, "Why would he be? I'm...I can turn into…"
He hunts what I am.
Maia places her hand on the door and gives it a small push, slowly opening the room to him.
"Eren, if he wasn't on your side," the door opens to reveal the captain in question along with Hange, Mike, Oluo, Eld, Gunther, and Petra, "he would have killed you in that courtroom."
Eren knows she is right.
He has no choice but to follow her inside. He thinks he might follow her anywhere.
"So, remind me of this ridiculous plan again?" Oluo drawls over towards Eld as they walk together towards the large field near the Old Scout Headquarters.
Eld's eyes shift this way and that, surveying the area as they go. "Simple, really," he is only half paying attention to Oluo, "we put Eren in a well, Eren sees if he can change, Eren changes, the well contains him."
Oluo holds up a hand as if he were a petulant child in a schoolhouse, which, of course, sometimes is an apt descriptor. "Yeah, um, so, a well is going to stop a Titan? Oh woooow, well in that case I may as well pack up and go home. That's it, everybody!" He calls out loudly and flaps his arms out on either side of him, "Scouts are all dismissed! We've found the key to bringing down the Titans! Wells! Can you believe it? Neither can I, but it's the truth! Pfffft, this is the stupidest thing I have ever heard." He finishes by crossing his arms across his chest and huffing.
"I don't know," Petra comes up to Oluo's other side, having heard his loud rant much like everyone else in the near vicinity, "I have to listen to you every day, which, to me, is the stupidest thing I have ever heard."
She makes a show of glaring at him before trotting up to Maia and Hange, immediately engaging in a conversation with the two women. Oluo rolls his eyes so hard he feels a sharp pain in his eye muscles.
"She loves me," he looks over at Eld, "Just you wait. One day she will confess her undying love for me." He lets out a fake sigh and pretends to lazily inspect his nails, "And I'll just be too famous to care."
He strolls away from Eld, whose shoulders have long since deflated in utter exasperation. The seasoned Scout looks up at the sky as if in a longing prayer.
"Please," he wonders loud enough for Oluo to definitely hear him, "why am I the only normal one around here?"
The group stops at an old, dried up well a good few meters away from their new home base. Thickets of trees dot the perimeter of the clearing and an old picnic table, rickety and half rotten, stands near the well. Levi eyes the gnarled wood of the bench. Like hell was he going to sit down on that thing.
"Okay," Hange claps her hands and rubs her palms together eagerly, too eagerly. "Eren, you know the plan, right?"
Eren looks over to the wild-haired scientist warily. The woman is practically bouncing out of her boots, excitement causing her to nearly froth at the mouth. Her eyes are manic behind her spectacles. This is the stuff Hange lives for, the research of the unknown, the alien, the...other.
He gulps, nods, turns towards Maia whose warmth he can feel at his back. She is looking at him gently, so gently, like she always does. Firmly, she nods and smiles. You can do this, her gaze seems to say. He is fairly sure that his own face says, I think I might throw up.
"We'll lower you into the well and you'll, uh," Gunther scratches his head as he clears the old, dry-rotted bucket out of the well's entrance with one hand, "do whatever it is you do."
Maia glides over next to Levi while Hange helps Eren maneuver himself to the ledge of the well. He is staring hard at the two, his cobalt eyes fixed on the scientist and Titan shifter, but he feels her energy. Levi could recognize the feel of Maia's presence anywhere, even blindfolded while someone shoved dog shit under his nose. He'd know she was there. His lungs suck in a deep breath on their own accord. His chest barely rises, hardly shows any movement at all, but he feels it deep in his gut. His pulse quickens, blood rushes, just from her proximity. When she is near him, he feels alive.
As long as she is alive…
As long as she is…
He blinks quickly but to him it feels like a lifetime as unwanted images and horrific, tragic scenarios that haven't even happened all whiz around in his mind. An involuntary shudder rushes through him from his head to his toes. This is why he doesn't like sleeping. Closing his eyes for too long? Forget it. The images intensify, the scenes play out, and he wakes up each and every time drenched in sweat and white as a sheet, a cold chill gripping him so tightly that sometimes he has to physically claw at his throat to breathe. Invisible hands that have wrapped themselves around his neck, that choke him and try to steal everything in him, everything he has.
Try to steal her.
"Hey," her honeyed lilt floats into his ears and breaks the cycle of never ending misery that plagues his mind when he allows himself a moment of rest. "Lee," she whispers her nickname for him so that Oluo, who is closest, doesn't decide to open his fat mouth and say something completely uncouth. "Are you alright?"
Her hand is raised and she is about to touch him but god damnit if she does he feels that his icy bones will shatter her warmth. At the same time, if she does, he isn't sure he wouldn't grab onto her like a lifeline and squeeze her tighter than the imaginary hand that constantly lingers at the base of his throat.
"Hoping that the brat doesn't burst out of the well and go on a rampage," is his monotone reply.
Maia crosses her arms across her chest and looks over to Hange and Eren too. She cocks her head to the side thoughtfully and golden curls tumble down her shoulder. A cascade of liquid gold that glistens in the early morning sun.
"I think he'll be okay," she affirms, "he's not," she tries to find the right words, sighs, "he's on our side, Lee. I told him you were on his."
She turns her head to find him staring at her, and the intensity constricts her chest. His cobalt eyes pierce her like nothing else. Her pulse points throb, her heart skips a beat even though she knows that to be impossible. She is glad her hands are tucked safely against her sides because now he can't see them tremble, itch to reach out and touch him, anywhere, everywhere.
Maia clears her throat and Levi's gaze switches to watch the muscles in her slender neck bob up once, down once. He lets out a long, low breath.
"I'm on our side, Maia," he informs her, angles his body towards hers only slightly but keeps his neck turned towards the scene before them. She doesn't know if he means the two of them or the Scouts. It pains her to think he means the former. Her heart yearns for a possibility that she fears will never be explored.
"And you think he isn't?" She inches closer to him. He wishes she wouldn't. Her warmth is almost too much for him to bear. Standing there in the presence of two suns, he both revels in and shies away from that inviting heat. The coldness that he carries with him begs him to let that feeling in, but his mind, that part of him that has lived in darkness so long that it seems like a part of him now, that beats him down even in his dreams, tells him that doing so would be too dangerous. Not for him. But for her.
Always for her.
"I don't even think he knows," Levi reveals to her as the pair watch Hange and Gunther lower Eren below the ledge of the well. The boy spiders his way down to the bottom of the long column.
"I don't think the kid fully comprehends what he has to give up to be here. What we'll ask him to do. We've all given something up and I'm not so sure Jaeger will be able to stomach that when the time comes. He thinks he can, because he's lost so much, been dealt a shit hand, but," Levi shakes his head - you never know until the moment hurdles full force at your face - , "I'm not convinced."
Eren calls out that he is ready to give transforming a try.
"What have you given up, Lee?" Maia asks quietly. She wants, no, needs to hear him say it.
The moment, that moment from so long ago, flashes in both of their minds. He knows it. She knows it. The two of them up on that roof all those years ago. Heat, white hot and burning, floods Maia's senses, pools in regions she wishes it wouldn't, not here, not now, at least. Levi shifts his weight, closes his eyes only to snap them open again. He can't be feeling that god damn feeling here of all fucking places. A breath shoots out so quickly it is nearly a hiss.
"You know the answer to that," his face is turned down, he can't possibly look at her. The guilt would kill him, it would. That grief, that loss over something he never really had to begin with already gnaws at him every second, every minute.
Happiness. I've given up happiness.
With you.
"Well," she tries to meet his eyes but finds him avoiding her gaze, "I haven't given up on that yet."
If it were in his nature, he thinks he may have whimpered. But since he is who he is, his face remains impassive, but Maia can see his jaw clench slightly. A tiny muscle moves just a fraction.
"Don't say that," he breathes, finally looks over to her and wishes he could unsee the truth, the promise, written on her face. "Please," he is not one to beg but fuck it, for her he would, "don't say that."
A cloud passes over the sun for a moment and briefly, Levi can breathe again. For just a second it doesn't feel as if all of the warmth in the world is pushing at his very soul, trying to latch on to at all that he is. The dark claws sneak up his throat a little higher. He doesn't even realize it.
"Okay," Maia relents, her voice dejected, and Levi wants to scream.
If things were different, you'd the only thing in this world I wouldn't give up.
But he can't say that because every time he closes his eyes he sinks deeper and deeper down into the gnarled grasp of the darkness that followed him out of the Underworld and has haunted his shadow ever since he first saw the light. All those visions and memories too that struck fear and rage and inconsolable sadness into him, continue to do so every time they slide across his subconscious, appear at the forefront of his mind. Aside from the horrors of the past he sees all the worst case scenarios of the future. Every awful, terrifying fear he has, but will never say out loud, comes to life before his very eyes in those visions.
And she is at the center of them every time.
If you feel that warmth, a deep seated voice inside of him says, it will hurt more than you can imagine when you lose it.
His hands give one, subtle shake.
When you lose her.
Because why wouldn't he? Why wouldn't Levi Ackerman lose the one thing in this world that can chase away his demons and lead him into that pure, wholesome light? He's lost everything else. Why wouldn't he lose something that was never even his to begin with? That is how the world works. He knows this. There is no sliding scale of fairness. You're given either a good lot or a bad lot in life, and Levi knows what the world has given him.
He knows the world they live in better than the woman beside him does. Better than he ever wishes for her to understand. If he can shield her from even a fraction of the ugliness this world has to offer, he would do it. He would do it a million times. He would do it until it hurt, maybe even killed him.
Levi would do anything for Maia.
Except what she wanted him to do the most.
Maia doesn't say anything else. She can't. She feels nearly crippled by the idea that she may never feel or experience the one thing desires the most.
Happiness.
With him.
Slowly, she leaves Levi's side and walks to the edge of the well. Levi watches her go, feels his soul shatter with every step she takes from him, just like it's done every time before and like it will do every time hereafter. He takes a long, deep breath before following suit and standing with everyone else. They all peer down at Eren, whose bloody mouth and hands are a decidedly off-putting sight for all of them. Maia helps Hange and Gunther haul Eren out of the well, and the team takes a break, slightly defeated, all wondering if they will ever be dealt a win.
Some time later Levi is watching Maia check on Eren's hand for the fifteenth time that afternoon. She presses around the fleshy part between his thumb and forefinger through the bandages, looking at his face as she does so. He winces slightly and looks crestfallen. Her amber eyes are narrowed in concentration, and Hange stands near her with a notebook lifted so high it practically flattens her nose as she scribbles chaotically across a page.
Maia looks back at Levi and her eyes convey everything he needs to know. With a gentle shake of her head, she turns back to Eren's bandaged hands, gives them a squeeze, and then pushes a cup of tea over to him after releasing them.
"Here, drink this," she urges him by pushing the cup a little closer, "there are marigold leaves in there - calendula," she informs, "and they will help speed up healing."
"So," Levi's bored tone filters in but Maia and Eren both know he is anything but, "the self-inflicted bites on your hands aren't closing up?"
Eren cradles his swollen hands, looks at the bright red that bleeds through the recently redressed wraps, "N-no, sir," he manages to only stutter a little and for that, he is proud.
"Hmph," the captain huffs to himself and then, louder, "if you can't turn into a Titan then the mission to rebuild Wall Maria goes down the drain."
Eren feels small under his gaze. He looks to Maia for support but she is no longer by his side. He sees her speaking with Hange in hushed tones. Levi looms over him like a dark shadow. He blocks Eren's view of the veterinarian.
"Do something about it," the captain commands him in a tone that sends a shiver down Eren's spine. "That's an order."
Eren's eyes are wide and he can feel the bags underneath them growing even heavier, if that is possible. "Yes, sir."
Captain Levi walks away with Petra on his heels. The young woman looks over at Maia briefly before deciding to stay by the captain's side. Eren is too shaken up to wonder what that is about. Before long, Squad Levi is offering him words of encouragement and telling him not to worry.
Why haven't they lost hope? Do they really believe in me that much?
He looks around at all the faces sitting with him at the table, really looks at them, and notices the way they are all on edge. They grip their mugs harder than they need to. Their eyes dart around, paranoid. Rarely do they meet his gaze. Their words, although earnest and seeming sincere, sound a little hollow now. He comes to a realization fairly quickly.
No, they don't believe in me. They're...they're afraid of me. They don't want to change the status quo. It's always been humans against Titans. If I learn how to transform...how to control my powers, I think...I think they're worried about what I'll do. They...they don't trust me.
And I don't blame them.
Eren is so preoccupied with his thoughts that he fumbles with his spoon. It flips off the old table with a clatter and lands on the ground an arm's length away from him. He feels a dull throb in his hand but ignores it. Afterall, he had just bitten through all the layers of his skin multiple times and Maia pressing into his bruised and torn flesh hadn't done him any more harm.
"Oh, Eren, no," Maia breaks away from Hange when she sees him leaning over and straining himself, "let me."
"No, no, I-I'm f-fine," he feels odd. There is a stabbing sensation dancing along his forehead as he extends his arm, like a searing prickle that leaves a white hot trail in its wake. His hand twitches underneath the bandage. He watches his fingers flex involuntarily.
"Really, let me do it," Maia leans down and reaches for the spoon just as he does, "I don't want you to hurt yourse-"
A loud crack! fills the area and streams of smoke shoot up seemingly out of nowhere. A thunderous series of rumbles erupts as a plume of steam billows sky high. The little camp of soldiers is sent into momentary chaos and panic. Oluo and Eld are thrown from their benches. Gunther scrambles away from the table, eyes watering, one arm drawn up to his face to try to shield himself. Everyone is coughing and running and Eren feels like his body is not his own as their forms become obscured. There's an odd feeling of being completely separate from the situation, like he is watching from above. A pressure winds up his arm, but he can't figure out why.
"What was that?" He hears a frantic voice ask.
"Some kind of explosion?!" Someone else yells out.
"MAIA!" It's Petra. "Maia is in there! Wait Captain Levi - stop!"
"Like hell I will. Now move!"
Through the smoke and tears in his eyes, Eren sees Levi running towards him, face twisted into determination. In an instant, Eren is back in his own body and feels the unnaturalness of...well...his body.
"Ahhhhhh!" He begins to scream as his surroundings come into view.
"AAAAHHH!" He looks down and notices his arm encased in muscle and tissue. Sprouting from his swallowed limb is a partially formed ribcage. The bones of the left side are exposed, gleaming white and steaming, but the bones of the right side are wrapped in sinewy muscle and tendons. A firm elbow anchors into the ground, propping up a powerful forearm that leads to a strong hand with a set of fingers that delicately grip a metal spoon. The utensil seems so small, so fragile in the giant Titan digits.
The rumbling hasn't stopped, but Eren thinks maybe it is only in his head now. The blood in his head is rushing around and making him dizzy. His heartbeat is loud and his chest hurts. Pain still aches across his forehead. It's a piercing headache that he thinks will linger for a while. Maybe he can ask Maia how to cure -
Wait.
Did Petra say Maia was…
"E-Eren?"
He looks down past his arm sunk into the meaty flesh of the half-formed Titan chest and down towards Maia's voice. His eyes widen in horror and he feels himself go cold. Levi is there too, pulling a near lifeless body towards his own and away from the grotesque ribcage. He glares up at Eren with such a fire burning in his steely-grey eyes that he thinks he might explode from that look alone if all the blood doesn't drain out of his body first.
Oh no…
"Eren," Levi's voice is low, barely controlled anger fighting to lash out at any moment. And Eren knows that if that happens, Levi will definitely kill him. And he would probably let him.
"What the fuck did you do?"
He swallows. Hard. Looks down at the small body that lay crumpled at Levi's feet. The captain was crouched down low to the ground now, pulling Maia's small frame into his arms. A terror and fear unlike anything he had ever felt before encompasses his entire body. His breathing quickens. The gnarled hands made of shadows slip further up his neck, coil around his throat. This...this was never in his nightmares. Not something like this. Not...
He and Eren both look down at the ground, to the bloody rock that lies there, a gory mar against the green grass. The bloody rock that was exactly where Maia's head had been.
Eren trembles.
Levi pulls Maia close and feels his heart thudding painfully in his chest. He runs his pale hand through Maias golden hair. The silky strands of spun gold slide through his slender fingers until a thick, sticky substance knots the tendrils together. He looks down and sees his hand painted a deep, dark red. This can't be happening right now. Not now. Not…
Her eyes are half lidded as she gazes up at him. A small, fragile moan escapes her lips.
"Lee?" Her voice wavers.
The darkness that always lingers in the back of his mind threatens to swallow him whole.
If you feel that warmth...
He can't feel anything right now except the chill of fright that freezes his veins,
"Hey, shh, you're okay," he tries to soothe her but can't stop his voice from sounding rough and coarse.
It will hurt more than you can imagine when you lose it.
"Where's Eren? Is Eren...o...kay?" Her head lolls to the side as her warm, amber eyes slip closed.
When you lose her.
Levi is still for a moment. It is a long pause. Long enough for the smoke to start clearing. Eren can see Squad Levi with their swords drawn, all of them glaring daggers at him. They haven't even noticed the unconscious Maia yet. He knows he probably won't survive after they do.
She is...just unconscious...right?
"C-Captain?" He is terrified, absolutely scared out of his mind to talk to him, but he has to. He has to know. "Is s-she…"
"If she dies," Levi's voice is low and laced with venom. A promise, dark and sinister, follows. He looks up at Eren and moves his hand to his blades.
"I will kill you."
A/N:...um...hello. *goes away for a while and then comes back and posts a cliffhanger of a chapter* I'm sorry for the wait. When the months get darker and colder I just...find it hard to be inspired and...happy. I've been writing all through it, though, and have new content all lined up. Plus, this year of teaching (I teach Latin and Greek at an all boys school) has been particularly hard on me. Thank you for being patient and leaving lovely reviews while I tended to my mental health. Self-care is important, inside and out, my sweet friends.
I've changed a few things about the spoon scene and the upcoming few scenes just to make it flow a little better with the addition of Maia, and I like to add original content in rather than regurgitate the manga/anime word for word. I hope that vibes well with you all. Let me know what you think either with a review, a follow, or a PM (or all three :D). Your support means the world to me and please know that not once during my absence did I ever think of abandoning this story. Levi and Maia are important to me, as are you all, and I will see their story, however many chapters and stories or sequels I have in me, through to the end. (Sort of gives away the outcome of the cliffhanger...but you didn't think I'd leave the story at 11 chapters, did you?)
Stay tuned. Much love, always! xx