I walk out of my front door and straight into the sight of a familiar hunched figure sitting on the stairs to the upper floor. A can of coffee in his lap, an unopened one on the step beside. It is so early that there is barely any light outside and I wonder how long he has been waiting.
I knew this day was coming ever since Komachi's visit, but I am not ready. There are things you are never ready for.
Hachiman stands up, wincing, and walks down the stairs, extending the unopened can of coffee, like some kind of a weird peace offering. His strange eyes keep darting away and returning, the way I am so used to, but the rhythm is new, and every time the gaze is back on my face it lingers longer. With the progress we are making he might look me straight in the eyes sometime next century.
"Rumi. You've... looked better." Hachiman, you charmer, you. Though you don't look so hot, either. The face is drawn and the eyes even more exhausted than usual.
"It's good to see you." I'd smile, but my lips feel rusty, and there is little to smile about, really.
Hachiman takes a deep breath. "I am sorry, Rumi." He looks around like he expects one of my neighbours to appear at this time of day.
"Sorry for what?" He can surprise me still.
"The whole… music event thing."
"Why should you be apologising? I organised the whole thing, confessed and got my reply. Nothing for you to feel sorry about."
Silence. Of course. Nothing of importance ever gets said.
"Hachiman. Why are you here?" I didn't mean to sound so harsh.
"We've managed to patch things up, I and the others. At least I think we have. We are talking to each other again. It seems there is at least something salvageable." He sounds more relaxed now. Slipping into his old role. Fixing things, saving people. Case solved.
"Good for you. Not that I care. Why are you here?" This time the harshness is deliberate.
"I was thinking… " he looks at me, then away, "perhaps we can find an understanding, too, Rumi. It is a bit too quiet without you and your prattle. Perhaps it wouldn't be too much to hope that we could be friends again?" Never knew you considered me a friend, Hachiman.
"I don't think we can." I really wish this cold tone away from my voice. But it has been too long since we spoke and the frost has set in. "I don't want to be friends with you. I never did. I thought I was clear about that back then, with all the kneeling, and the music, and the rose." We both wince at the memory.
"Is that so." Hachiman trails off, averting his eyes again.
"It is bloody so! And will you please look me in the eyes, at least for these five minutes after a full month of not seeing each other?" He stumbles back in surprise, almost tripping over the bottom of the stairs.
"Rumi, your neighbours might hear us". At least he is looking at me now.
"I couldn't care less. If this goes wrong what my neighbours think will be the least of my worries." His eyes widen, and I know too much of my anger and frustration are showing.
For years I have been watching the four of them spin in their careful, choreographed dance of veiled looks and whispers. They ended up at the same place where they started. That will not happen to me. Whatever mistakes I make will be my own.
"Rumi, I can understand a teenage obsession, I had them myself. We all went through a stage where we were infatuated with somebody older." Now he is going to pretend this is all some high-school fantasy?
"Idiot. Shut up and listen." I step closer and smirk as Hachiman looks around. There is no way to back out of this except up the stairs, and I don't think he will just turn and run. Not from me. Cornered like a rat, he looks straight at me, and there is defiance smouldering in his eyes, too.
"I have loved you since I was fifteen. A bit too long for a teenage crush, wouldn't you say? Whatever happens here, I don't think I will ever love somebody that way. Not if I live to be a hundred. And don't tell me that you didn't know because you must have felt it. The way I looked at you, the way I would stop breathing at every random touch. I am good at hiding things, but I am not that good." I reach out and grab his shoulders, pulling him closer. There is a deep blush creeping up his neck. Good.
"And don't you dare tell me I am too young. I am a university student now and dating me would raise no eyebrows. Since that music spectacle last month you can't even pretend that you don't know what I feel." I take a deep breath. No. I am done with coyness. That is their way.
"You can't pretend you don't know I love you. You can't hide behind the displeasure of your friends, either," I spit his words back at him, "since now you know they lust after you more than I do."
"So, Hachiman, there is nothing to stop you. Unless you are a coward. Like your friends." I couldn't hide my contempt even if I wanted.
"I see only two paths from here. You can tell me that you love me back. Then I am going to kiss you," and I lean forward until our faces nearly touch, my breath hot on his lips with every spoken word. "Then we can go back through that door to my apartment and kiss some more. I would like to have sex, too, if you are not sworn to celibacy." I smile at the way he gasps, softly, his shoulders shivering under my fingers. The forgotten can of coffee drops from his hand and rolls. Neither of us spares it a glance.
"Or you can tell me that you don't love me." My smile is gone. The words pass my lips easily but many sleepless nights lie in wait behind them.
"That is fair, too. I won't try anymore. If you don't love me by now, you never will. I will walk down those stairs and hope I never see you again." Only one thing remains to be said.
Pulling away from his lips takes an effort of will, but I do it, leaving him some breathing space.
"Hachiman, I love you," I say solemnly, feeling both ridiculous and terrified.
I know this will take time, that hundreds of things are passing through his head. The age difference, the way my friends will look at me, reasons why am I doing this, my ulterior motives, my tender and impressionable mind, what all this will mean to his significant others. He thinks of everything, really, except his own feelings and needs.
Looking at his face from this distance is mesmerising. His eyes dart around, like those of a little animal in a trap. I can feel his arms twitch and I know he would be fleeing if not for my hands gripping him. He can't flee so he has to fight something, and I can only hope it won't be me.
Time passes and Hachiman calms down, but his eyes studiously avoid mine. His voice is barely more than a whisper.
"I care about you."
They tell you people change. But they lie.
I release his arms and he finally looks at me, and there is surprise in that gaze, but a tinge of hurt betrayal, too, I think.
I take a step back and his right hand spasms, like a part of him wants to reach out to me. Not a very big, very important part, though.
Turning around and taking that first step is so hard that I don't believe I can do it until it is done. I am stepping away from what I used to be, after all. The second step is… not easier but more natural. There is nothing to do after the first step but take the second.
I am going down the stairs when I hear a gasp behind. I turn. Hachiman hasn't moved, but the intensity of his gaze beckons me back.
"I do not… dislike you," he murmurs, and I can barely hear him.
Changing himself means just admitting defeat in order to adapt. A thing he will never do. Well, I have done my best, and my best was just not good enough. A lesson we all have to learn sooner or later.
A cold wind is blowing outside, and I look up and down the empty street. Suddenly, there is a sound, and I freeze completely. Running footsteps echo down the hallway and a fierce hope blossoms so suddenly that I have to lean against the doorway. But the echo fades away, if it was ever there in the first place.
What can only be a bitter smile tugs at the corners of my mouth. No last moment save for the likes of me.
I will never be free of him. I know that now.
But I can live with that.
I slowly jog, then run, then sprint down the street and into the morning sun. Everything looks blurry, but that will pass soon enough.