Severe angst ahead….
She sensed, rather than heard him come up beside her. He had always been very soft-footed, and it gave her a moment's shock when she realized he was standing right next to her.
She stood staring at the water in front of her, her feet only inches from the incoming tide, not looking at him, too unsure of what she'd see in his face. Neither of them spoke, but this was not the friendly quiet of the last few days and weeks. The air was heavy between them, and she was afraid. She cursed herself for having spoken, for having been honest.
"Why," he said softly.
She frowned, confused as to his question. "Why?" She glanced at him, and then away immediately.
"Why did you break it off? I thought you loved me."
She bit her lip, feeling herself start to cry again. She had to hang on, had to speak clearly – but it was so hard. She took a deep breath. "I was stupid," she told him. "I was angry."
"What had I done that was so bad?" he wanted to know. His tone was still gentle, even if his words pierced her soul.
"Nothing," she told him. "I wasn't angry at you – not really. I was angry at the situation. I was angry that I felt torn between my love for you and my love for my job. I was angry at how unfair the universe was. I wanted us to be happy, but it didn't seem possible. Something was always in the way – and that made me angry, and I took it out on you." She stopped, still looking at the ocean rather than at him. "I'm sorry. So, so sorry."
He still didn't speak and she wanted to look at him, to see what he was thinking, what he was feeling – but she was afraid. She was more afraid than she had ever been in her life, even including those times when she thought she was going to die.
"You threw us away," he said. "I didn't think it was possible for us to lose what we had. I thought that together we could deal with whatever the universe threw at us," he told her. "We'd been through so much together, and I thought – I thought there was finally going to be an 'us' – but you threw it away."
"I'm sorry," she whispered again. "I told you – if I could go back in time and change it, I would. I loved you so much – but I guess I didn't believe we could be possible." She stood there, trying to breathe, when her lungs felt as if a band was tightening around them. She knew the tears were falling down her cheeks, but she didn't stop them, or wipe them away. She felt sick – she wanted to flee. But that's what she'd done fifteen years ago, and she couldn't do that to him – not again.
"Why didn't you come after me?" she finally forced herself to ask.
There was a long pause and she almost looked at him, to see if he was still there – although she knew he was. He hadn't moved.
"I was angry too – or maybe not angry, but hurt," he told her. "I felt like you had thrown my love back in my face – that you had realized your career was more important than me. For years both of us had put duty before ourselves, and I guess I thought that you decided that's what you wanted."
"No," she said softly, "it wasn't."
"I didn't know that. How could I?" he asked, for the first time sounding almost angry. "You threw the ring at me, you screamed at me and then left. I didn't even know where you'd gone."
She frowned, thinking back to that horrible time. "Did you try and find out?" she asked curiously.
"Of course I did," he snapped. "I wanted to talk, to figure out what was wrong, but no one knew where you were. After a while I got the point. You weren't interested in seeing me or talking to me – so I decided to let go, to let you lead the life you wanted."
"I didn't," she cried, turning to him finally. "I didn't want that other life. I thought you'd come after me – I waited. I thought you knew where I'd gone. When I didn't hear, then I decided you were glad I'd broken our engagement."
"How would I know where you'd gone?" he asked, incredulously. "You didn't tell me and no one I spoke to had any idea."
"What? But – you must have known," she said, bewildered. "We'd made plans."
"What are you talking about?" he asked, sounding upset for the first time. "You just came in and started getting mad about everything. Then you started shouting at me and the next thing I knew you flung the ring in my face and ran out. You didn't say anything about where you'd be."
She had this overwhelming feeling of horror – realizing that there had been a huge misunderstanding. They had thought the other didn't care. She closed her eyes, and a sob escaped her throat. "I thought you'd know," she whispered. "I went to your cabin. I was there for two weeks - waiting."
"At my cabin?" he said incredulously. "Why the hell would you go there?"
"We'd planned to go there before the fight. And it was a place we'd been happy together. I thought – I thought you'd know that's where I was and that we could clear everything up. I tried calling – so many times, but always got scared and hung up. But then I'd think – he'll come – he made be blazingly angry, but he'll come and we'll work everything out. But you didn't and – and I realized that was the end."
He turned and walked away from her, and she began to cry in earnest. Her eyes closed and she was sure she had lost him once more. Things had been going so well – why, oh why had she said anything?
She felt his hand gently move the hair from her face, and opened her eyes. Once more she thought "how quietly he moves".
"We were idiots," he told her. "If only I'd known."
"I'm so sorry," she said again, "So sorry. I was stupid. I missed you so much. All these years I've missed you."
He let out a long sign and turned his head to face the ocean. His hand dropped from her and she watched as he took in a deep breath, and let it out slowly. She waited for him to speak.
"I don't know what to do, Sam," he said finally. "It's been so long – so much has happened. I don't know if I feel better, or worse, to know that you regret what happened. I do know that I'm glad we've been able to spend this time together, to reestablish our friendship," he told her gently.
"Is that all this is?" she asked, so quiet as almost to go unheard.
He sighed again. "I think so," he said finally, after almost a minute of silence. "I don't think there can be anything else."
"Why not?"
"Sam, it's been fifteen years! Our lives have gone on. You have a good career – I'm sure you'll go even higher. I know that you're highly respected and the Air Force has more plans for you. And – I'm seventy, Sam. I'm growing old and I've done my time. I'd planned to retire – had it all written up – just before – the stroke. If we get out of here, I'll probably head to Minnesota, get a dog and just – sit on my porch or fish."
"No," she said, turning to look at him. "Whether or not you retire is up to you, but you're not old Jack. Look at yourself in the mirror! I don't know if it's this planet, or that crazy machine, but you look forty, not seventy. And you're too vibrant, too full of life to rot away fishing for the rest of your life!"
He got a half grin on his face and chuckled softly. "But I like fishing," he said. But then his face grew serious once more. "I don't want to go back to the Air Force," he told her. "Whether or not I go to my cabin – well, maybe I will find something else to do – but I've had enough."
"So have I," she said.
"Don't do that, Sam. You may think that way for now, but you still have a lot of years left. In fact, this place is good for you too. You're looking like the young officer I first met."
"Really?" she asked, sounding almost uninterested. "Well, I can tell you that I have had enough – and it's not just this place, or even this conversation. I had decided before you got sick to retire. I was thinking next year – but then this happened and I made up my mind. And it's not to do with you, Jack. Things are quiet out there and – I've given my whole life to the Air Force. When I was a child it was because my Dad gave his life to it – and I lost my Mom as a result. Then I joined right after college and have spent my whole life doing this one thing. And I gave up everything for it. I gave up you, I gave up the opportunity to have a family, a life outside of a mountain and I'm not willing to give up the rest of it!"
"Don't make any rash dec -"
"Jack – they're not rash. I'm fifty-five – I think I know what I'm doing."
"Fifty-five?" his eyebrow went up and he whistled. "You hide your age well, Ms Carter."
She laughed softly and looked once more towards the ocean. They stood in silence, both watching the waves move in and out. It was peaceful and soothing, although neither of them experienced that feeling – instead their hearts were heavy and their body's tense.
"Please – can't we – try?" she finally whispered, her voice meeting the sound of the water as it washed on the shore.
He shook his head. "I can't do it again, Sam," he told her.
"Do what?" she frowned. "Love?"
"No – lose that love. I can't go through that again. I've lost too much, Sam. I just need – peace. I won't refuse your friendship, but I can't chance loving you."
After a few seconds, she nodded. "I understand," she told him, her voice steady although her heart was breaking again. "Can we," she cleared her throat, "can we forget this conversation and go back to the way we were this morning? I've enjoyed our time here together. You're – you are my friend, and I really don't want to lose that."
He nodded slowly. "We can try," he said. "Please don't hate me for saying no."
"I don't," she shook her head. "I'm sad – but I understand. There's just one thing you need to know." She turned back towards the trail but then stopped. Jack was behind her, and she couldn't see him, which was better. She didn't want to see his face.
"What?" he asked.
"I have never stopped loving you." With that began heading back to her room. It felt as if she was walking away from him for the second time in her life. She felt that small grain of hope that had started to grow, die in her chest.
If she had looked back, she might have felt better, as Jack stood, looking at her with longing …. and with love.