Kyradia looked off, out the viewport of her ship a very vacant stare on her face as they began to land on Odessen, Kyradia had been wrong she was just everything they'd made her. She thought she could control it but she was wrong, it was that easy that's all it had taken just a little push with the right environment and now Zash knew exactly what buttons to push. Zash had been winning at every turn, maybe Kyradia just wasn't cut out for it; she'd never be the hero she wanted to be. She was just a monstrous tool for the wicked to use, Valkorion, Zash even Thanaton to an extent she'd been a fool to think she could be anything more.

Kyradia rubbed her forehead this was all too much she really needed a break, but Zash was still out there? But every time she'd gone after Zash it'd had ended badly, and now she knew Magick? All these years she'd been trying to understand what made Kyradia so strong and she was so close, Kyradia shook her head Zash didn't even know what a boon it was to hold this power but Zash was so cruel it'd probably fit right in with her. All Kyradia knew is Zash was playing with fire and it was very likely she'd get burned but that burn could hurt so many others, Kyradia sighed she knew she had to stop Zash but she couldn't she was so easily manipulated by Zash she had no idea how to get ahead of her.

She noticed someone had come into the room although she didn't look up, she sensed a kind presence so guessed it was Ashara "some run down transport ship is parked in our spot so we're taking a bit longer to land than usual" Kyradia nodded still not looking up she saw Ashara crouch down next to her in the corner of her vision

Ashara sighed "you're not doing so good are you?" Kyradia shook her head weakly "that wasn't your fault I promise they took advantage of whatever happened to you" Kyradia continued to shake her head

She meekly responded "it was my choice" it was barely audible, Ashara was wrong it was her fault she killed every one of them

Ashara shook her head "no no you were backed into a corner we can't all con-" Kyradia cut her off finally making eye contact

She shook her head "it's always my choice Ashara! I've been trying to control it but every time I've chosen to let it out, It used to rule me the whole time and was me but I'm just too weak to keep it in" Ashara shook her head but Kyradia was adamant "the person who hurt and manipulated you was me it wasn't some 'thing I couldn't control' it was me because it's always been my choice to be cruel and do bad things. I'm so sorry I did but I did it I'm just a monster you'd do better just to leave me to my hate" she sighed clearly very emotional at the moment

Ashara shook her head "no you're wrong, I've seen it you've grown and I can see what you can be we all can Kyradia I know you made some mistakes and believe me I don't forgive you for some of them and probably won't for a long time but I do believe in you. Everything you've done to stop Zash has been selfless and endangering to you, the old you never would've done that and certainly wouldn't have been worried about being a monster" Kyradia closed her eyes trying to hide her pain

She shook her head "I'm sorry I don't know how but I did it again, I just keep manipulating you because I'm just a monster I'm so so sorry but it's who I am" she pushed past Ashara clearly not listening to reason

Ashara held her hand tight "I think you're wrong Kyradia but I understand this is a lot that I couldn't begin to understand, I promise you I'm here by choice you may think you're a monster but you didn't manipulate me ok that's just not true not this time and I don't care what you think about it" Kyradia just sighed why did she keep doing this to Ashara she should've begged her to leave when she wanted to

Kyradia squeezed her hand "I'm so sorry Ashara but I'm not something to believe in I never was, I'm just what they made me" Kyradia left the room before Ashara could respond anymore

The ship landed after a little while searching for a new spot, as soon as it did Kyradia left to clear her head. She had no idea what was going to happen next, she wanted to stop Zash but she felt like a danger to everyone involved, maybe Malora and Ashara could handle it. She shook her head, she couldn't put them in danger like that she really was stuck.

Kyradia silently walked around the base to where her ship usually would be parked, she frowned Ashara was right this ship certainly was a beat up transport. It wasn't the first time something like that had happened; it wasn't her spot by law but she did like it, she wasn't feeling like getting in anyone's face today though if she could make a deal to never be angry again she would.

She walked into the base hardly taking in her surroundings, usually she'd at least dress in her robes to walk around the base but today she couldn't be bothered just in casual clothes she wasn't someone to look up to anyway. She made her way to the war room not really sure why it just felt routine and as she did she saw Lana spot her and walk up to her

Lana smiled "ah Commander you have prompt timing I have something I want to discuss with you" Kyradia gave her a weak look making Lana pause

She shook her head "I uh not right now Lana" Lana frowned clearly picking up on her sadness

Her expression softened "is everything ok Kyradia, I do actually think this matter cou-" Kyradia cut her off maybe but she doubted it'd help her feel like less of a monster

She sighed "Lana I'm sorry I'm sure it might but I really need some time things aren't going well with Zash and well with me" Lana nodded putting a hand on her shoulder

She conceded and comforted her "sure no worries Kyradia we can discuss it later, I know it must be hard for you if you need to talk I'm here but if you wanna be alone why not just go to the bar and sulk that might help" Kyradia let out a little smile there had been many days during the Eternal War where Kyradia had sulked in the bar until Lana had come and helped her out

Kyradia nodded "that sounds good Lana thanks for giving me time" Lana nodded and let her go, the bar did sound good to be honest even just to drown her sorrows, she made her way to the lift and let out another sigh.

It was hard to argue the monster point with this place and the whole 'saving the galaxy' thing but she knew she didn't do it for them, she did it for her and for revenge for Marr she'd still been the petty vindictive monster even if reigned in just a bit. Valkorion had brought that darkness to light to use at his whim just like Zash was doing again, she could never escape it she was never made to be a sith just a weapon for others to use.

The lift reached the top and she made her way to the bar head down looking at the floor, she'd been trying to be more than that to finally break that cycle but Zash had just pulled her back in. She sat at the bar, looked up and frowned, there was a drink on the bar she wondered whose it was but then she caught the smell; that was a Spiced Rancor's Toothpick no one else she knew liked that but her. Maybe Lana had got it ordered specially after she saw what a state Kyradia was in, she smiled that was really nice she'd remembered, Kyradia took a sip and let out a weak smile just as nice as ever.

She sat in the bar for a bit sipping the drink she knew she was being a bit melodramatic but it was with good reason she'd fought with this since she was released from carbonite but more notably since Ashara called her out. She was 28 years old and her legacy since she was 13 was cruelty and war, she had really wanted to do right for once with Zash. Zash deserved to spend eternity locked in that prison to be honest she'd fed all Kyradia's worst impulses and cultivated the already cruel part of her into the wretched thing she tried so hard to keep down. But that meant Zash knew what made Kyradia tick after years of training and she hadn't stopped exploiting it since she returned, Kyradia needed to get this under control but she just couldn't

She sighed, she knew she had to be better but she wasn't strong enough, she finished her drink and stood up, maybe she could find something in the archives she'd missed. Anything that could make it one percent easier would be worth it, she sighed she had to stop Zash even if she was just that monster. She had nothing from before she became this left so at least she could minimise the damage she'd caused...