It Was Reality But It Felt Like a Dream

It has been the longest time since I posted something so I guess you could consider this my comeback. I wrote this I believe like right after I finished The Fall. It's inspired by my feelings of Stella just carrying so much throughout the series and never really having anyone to fully express it all with. Here you go and hope you enjoy.

She had no idea how long it had been since she had returned home; she had simply only paid attention to drowning her thoughts and feelings in her glass of red wine. Midway of pouring her umpteenth glass, she heard the doorbell ring. She simply ignored it until it became apparent that the master of this interruption was not going to tolerate it. She clunked the bottle on the table in annoyance and went to answer the door. As much as she enjoyed holding onto a glass of wine, she preferred to hold onto control and consciousness more than anything else so she was drunk enough to be aware of her surroundings. She peeped through the spyhole on her unsteady tip toes only to see a light-haired brunette with green eyes that were all too familiar, standing there with her arms across her chest. Stella knew there was absolutely no getting rid of her; it was much easier to ignore her and her calls in Northern Ireland; ignoring a door call was pretty close to impossible. Sighing, she opened the door slightly to stand in the gap. "Alicia? What are you doing here at such an hour?"

The brunette dropped her hands down to her sides and tilted her head, "Why else would I be here?"

"I just got back."

"I know but with all the ignored calls I thought it best to check in on you in a way that couldn't possibly be ignored." Stella stepped aside to let the brunette in and closed the door behind her. Alicia had already begun to head into the main room so Stella just followed her.

From the bags she passed in the hallway along with the wine bottle and glass sitting next to one another, it was obvious that Stella had just arrived. "I'd ask 'bad day' but I know that would be an understatement."

"What are you doing here? What do you want?" Stella questioned in a stubborn drunk tone.

"I needed to see you, see how you were doing." The gesture was appreciated even though she was not in the mood if she even had a mood. "I'm fine." Stella would have said more but she knew it would be pointless. Clearly, Alicia wasn't going anywhere and she knew that she needed, wanted someone to be around even if she wasn't going to talk to them. As Stella reached for the bottle and her glass, she only managed to grab the glass as Alicia grabbed the bottle and went to sit on the sofa. Stella shot her a look. "If we're going to be drinking we might as well be comfortable." She patted the space beside her that Stella went and sat in and rested her feet on the coffee table.

The truth was Alicia and Stella were getting closer before she was called to work in Ireland. They had been friends for a year and a bit. Prior to her leaving, things were developing on both sides; obviously more on Alicia's side than Stella's. She liked being friends with Stella; they understood each other and had similar ideas on most things despite different upbringings. Before Stella left was simply when Alicia had started to notice the change in her platonic feelings but when Stella left she became more conscious about them. However, she knew how Stella was: aloof, emotionally guarded and a no relationships sort of person so she vowed she wouldn't do anything until Stella began to or fully made her feelings clear. Stella too was noticing the small lingering moments between them, her seeing Alicia differently and even dreaming of her from time to time but she did a good job of hiding them and lying, convincing and deceiving herself to keep some of her emotional walls up. She had forgotten them, or more shadowed them, through work whilst in Northern Ireland but seeing her again reminded her of the starting stage of those changes.

As Alicia took a sip from the bottle, she watched Stella. She, like every other person, found herself encapsulated by Stella's beauty but more so, at this current point in time, she could see the vestige that the case had left on her. She noticed something that she hadn't immediately seen when seeing her at the door. Leaning forward, she looked closely to confirm the scratch above Stella's left eyebrow. Stella could feel the gaze but simply ignored it as she had with everything else from Alicia until, "Stella, what happened?"

Stella looked, dazed. "Huh?"

"What happened to your face?"

"Oh." Stella skinned her stitched cut. "I scratched my head against some thorny plants when inspecting a crime scene in the woodlands." Alicia looked at her questioningly. It would've been a believable lie for most people but not for her. "That's bullshit and we both know it. Tell me the truth, even if at your own speed." Alicia was a forensic psychologist at the Met; that was part of how they met but eventually, they started hanging out willingly outside of work. Just the two of them. Sometimes they even ended up working nights together. She was aware of what risks came with the job and some of the accidents and dangers medically. Stella knew there was almost no lying to Alicia. Heavily, she exhaled. "I was in an interview room with another detective, a solicitor and...Spector. Once it ended I guess I had 'hit a nerve' but he...he punched me three times and kicked me in the stomach."

"He did WHAT?" Once Stella did not reply, she continued. "But you got it treated right? Completely? Didn't discharge yourself because work was more important?" Stella smirked; she found it slightly amusing how well Alicia had come to know her and her reaction made her smirk more the more she replayed it. "Yes, I got it checked. It was only an overnight observation. It just stings a bit is all."

"Good." Alicia took a long sip from the bottle. She realised that if that was simply a few hours or minutes of Stella's work trip then they were definitely going to need another bottle of wine. She went into the wine cupboard in the kitchen. She'd been around Stella's enough to be familiar with the place. Stella watched her as she brought another bottle and a glass for herself. "What is that for?"

"Well, when a friend comes back after a work trip like yours and I care enough to visit on the same day and hear one incident amongst probably hundreds, before even asking how she is feeling, and it is that severe then I know we're going to need a fresh bottle of wine." Stella could see where Alicia was about to take this. "Alicia -"

She interrupted, "Nope, nope and nope. I know exactly what you are going to say. Don't worry, I'm not going all 'psychologist mode' on you. I'm simply here as a friend. Sure no one knew what you were getting yourself into but it slowly unravelled. All it took was more than one murder to realise it was going to be a heavy case but no one could've predicted it would be that heavy. No one could've predicted anything. I just wanted to know how you were doing but you ignored my calls and I'm fine with that because it's you despite the fact it drove my mind a bit crazy. I know how you deal with things. Now that you're here, all it takes is one look at you and this place to know that you are not okay and a drink is not going to fix or send away how you're feeling. We're going to drink and talk about it. You may not feel better immediately but it will help in some way." Stella had listened carefully. She knew that Alicia was there for comfort, support, friendship and more. There was no escaping it, any of it and even though they hadn't talked, she already felt better, not alone; having someone to nurture, care and love her; whether it be romantic or platonic or a mix of the two. Stella poured a full glass and slumped back into the chair as Alicia had. "What do you want to know?" Just with that question, the atmosphere shifted. For once she was the one being interrogated. "I want to know what's going on up there. What are you thinking or feeling or both?"

Stella sipped first before answering, "I feel numb; that I've seen so much of it that I don't even know what to feel."

"So much of what?"

"Death. Experienced so much of it and its effects in such a short time. But it's more than that. The exhaustion: mentally, physically, professionally, emotionally. And I can't help but feel like so many things wouldn't have happened if I had just let him die in the forest in police custody."

"Like what?"

Stella listed the incidents of Sally-Ann trying to kill herself and her children, Anderson breaking his arm, Larson being injured, the boy being murdered, Katie self-harming. She felt like there was much more that she could name but just couldn't remember. As she recalled, she stared into blank space past Alicia. "Hey." She looked into pale, emerald eyes. "It's not your fault. You can't control people's actions or how everything works. You know there is only so much power we have as detectives and SIOs when we have no idea what is going on above us. There is no point in thinking about 'what ifs'. You don't know that would've changed things, for better or worse. You did your best and you did the job better than anyone could. Sure, maybe there were mistakes or things you could've done better but you always have the best intention: saving people's lives and you did. You don't know what could've happened to all the people's whose lives he entered and affected if you didn't work on the case. There could've been more but there aren't because of you."

"Maybe so. I just can't help but feel that I failed. He will never be punished for his actions the way that he should. He got the easy way out and once again it was on his terms. Funny thing is that he may have planned that all along." Alicia got lost and asked Stella what she meant by that. Stella went on to explain how Spector had left her a note that said 'He that loves not, abides in death.' She still had no exact clue as to why he left such a note for her. "It all just leaves you feeling lost, overwhelmed, lonely, violated-" Alicia's chest clenched tight at hearing the pain that Stella had been through and had endured in every way possible. She asked why Stella felt violated. "He erm...he went into my hotel room, one night, went through my things. When I realised, I noticed that he had been through my dream journal and he left a note and obviously that became evidence because I am sure countless people have read it. It felt like he had taken a piece of me and shared it, robbed me of my privacy."

"I understand where you are coming from. Dreams are pretty much as personal as it gets. And people being able to read about them...I don't know what anyone would do and everyone would feel the same way. I know I would. I actually keep one myself."

"He immediately knew more about me than anyone around me just from reading that. And it wasn't like I'd let him in."

"If you don't mind me asking what was in it?" Stella really didn't care so much at this point and it was Alicia she was talking to, someone she knew and could trust. "My father, sexual fantasies, my childhood, desires, emotions, random thoughts - anything and everything." Stella was really starting to appreciate Alicia more than ever now. She hadn't realised how lucky she was to have such a friend until then. The roles had reversed; Alicia could feel Stella's guarded blue eyes watching her. "What?"

"I guess I'm glad to have you here. I actually do feel better and I don't know what I'd do if you weren't here."

"Well I'm not going anywhere so you don't have to worry about me leaving."

"I know. I meant more that I don't know what I'd do if he had done something to you or found out who you were." It felt like the millionth time that evening Alicia was asking what Stella meant. "Your name was occasionally in the diary. I'd say quite a fair bit to be honest."

Alicia found herself to be somewhat baffled. "Me? Why me? Why would you dream about me?"

"Have you never dreamt about me?"

"I didn't say that. Of course I have. I guess I've just never thought about it the other way round." She still couldn't wrap her head around it, despite the amount of times the thought had crossed her mind then erased itself as soon as she determined it to be a ridiculous thought. "Again, why would you dream about me?" Stella figured that there was no better time to be honest with both Alicia and herself. She put her glass down and sat on her knees directly next to Alicia, their thighs touching. "Because even someone like me can start to fall for another person. And I believe you dream about me for the same if not similar reasons." Alicia's left eye squinted in wonder, "You feel it too? I thought I was going to be waiting forever for a confirmation."

"It was hard to ignore but why ignore it?" Stella straddled her then cupped Alicia's cheeks and pulled her in for a kiss. Not a moment of hesitation, Alicia returned the kiss with her hands on Stella's hips. When they pulled back, she asked, "Are you sure you're not too drunk to remember this later?"

"Positive. I don't think it will be possible to forget such a thing." Alicia grinned.

She didn't know that this was what she needed: not the sex, but having someone to hold her, someone who fully understood, accepted and tolerated her, someone she let close to her and see inside of her even if it was catching glimpses over time more frequently. She had cried at the end. Alicia hadn't asked why, she just held her. For what reason, she wasn't entirely sure but she accepted the gesture and lost herself in it. For what felt like the first time in a while, Stella had allowed someone to hold her intimately. She let someone else take the reins for a bit and it felt good. She trusted Alicia; she knew that she could and that there was no reason not to.

Thank you for reading. Comment or PM me to tell me what you think. I do have more projects in the works. This is the first time I have really written something so overtly romantic so I'd love some feedback and your thoughts. I do have more scenes for the couple so tell me if you would like more. Open to any thoughts and suggestions. Thanks again ~ RavenDelacroix