turn back the time Chapter 1: one, a harry potter fanfic

When Lily was thirteen, on the night before she was to leave for Hogwarts, she awoke in the middle of the night to find her father gone from the house.

Just like that.

Like they hadn't meant anything to him, that their family wasn't worth staying for. It wasn't even like Lily had any fantasies about him any longer. That was what happened when you have a father who failed to show up at the most social events he had promised that he would, who didn't even remember that she was supposed to be having a birthday party that weekend.

Once somebody disappointed you long enough, you start to stop depending on them, stop expecting anything out of them. But at the very least, for all of his deep flaws and the misdoings, Lily had never thought that he would actually leave them as if everything they shared and gone through all those years meant absolutely nothing to him.

If you asked her, things had started to go wrong from there.

Here was the thing about James Potter — he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth that made him think he could get away with anything that he did, to a pair of loving parents who loved and adored him with all of their gentle hearts, and even if you had hated and loathed him for most of your life, he would start to grow on you eventually and you would start to think things like, "Maybe he really changed." Or things like, "Once I really, really got to know him, he was so perfectly charming that I couldn't help but to fall deeply in love."

But the thing was, no romantic feelings would be able to erase the history between the two of them (no amount of flowers would be able to make her forget) or the fact that she couldn't help but feel guilty about being with him in the first place, like she was betraying her best friend for dating him (and yes, Severus may have betrayed her trust first when he started to hang out with those prejudiced gits of his house that he called his good friends, but that didn't mean it gave her freedom to do the same thing to him, that would be just hypocritical.

However, Lily thought that it was small enough of a problem that it wouldn't rise up too much of a problem.

So, on July 7th of 1978, when James bent down on one knee to propose to her, Lily agreed to marry him (now that Lily thought about it decades after, she probably should have waited a while to really think through her decision, but in her defense, she had been on her fifth glass of a firewhiskey by that point).

The thing was, Lily did not realize that her guilt of being with him would be the least of her concerns when it came to James Fleamont Potter.

"Where have you been?" Lily asked her husband on the sixth week they had been married, tapping her foot against the floor while she crossed her arms together, loathing the fact that she was feeling much more like a very overbearing parent than an actual life partner with him. "Do you know how worried I was when you didn't show up to the dinner date that you promised you would? James, what happened?"

Lily wanted to be rational and understanding, and not come off like she was demanding him to tell her everywhere he went. She didn't want to arrive at sudden conclusions without hearing him explain himself first, to try to understand his side of things before anything else.

There must be a very good reason why he did not arrive at the dinner date they had with Petunia and Vernon.

James gave her an apologizing look, having the sense to at least look ashamed. "I am so sorry, Lily. I got caught up with the thing with Sirius and I seem to have lost track of a time."

It wasn't a good reason.

It was something a child would tell their mother when they failed to arrive home on time. Definitely not something a supposedly grown man would tell their wife when they failed to show to explain why you had failed to show at the dinner date you two had with her sister and her husband.

It was the last possible thing you should tell them; because any adult had the sense to realize that when you made promises to someone, especially to somebody that was your wife, you respect them.

Failing to do so was a clear sign of lack of a good character and judgment, and the fact that he forgot, spoke more about how little he held her words in respect than any of his words possibly could.

Words were just words. You spoke them easily and carelessly, without even having to mean them, but actions spoke louder about the person's true character than words possibly could, and his actions weren't succeeding in saying a lot of positive things about him right now. "James," She began, taking a breath to remind herself to stay calm and not lose her temper in front of him right now. "I've reminded you that we were having dinner with my sister several times in the past few days. I've told you that it was important for me to try to make an effort to fix our relationship. How could you have forgotten it?"

"Look, I am sorry, alright? I feel bad about it too." He said. "But maybe it's for the best, Lily. I am sorry, I know you do not want to hear it, but you know that your sister is a right bitch and have you ever thought that maybe it's better for everyone involved if we were not to associate with them at all?"

Lily stared at him with a look of pure disbelief, shaking her head violently in the response. "She is my sister, James. She is all I have left of my family. Why can't you understand that I need her with me?"

"Of course I understand you perfectly, honey, but —,"

Lily shook her head, looking at him with tear-filled eyes. "No, you do not." She said. "You act as if you do and you pretend to hear what I am saying, but you really do not, do you? Why would you? You don't even care about any of it."

"Lily, sweetheart —," He began, trying to reach out to her, but Lily slapped his hand away, glaring at him with a barely contained anger.

"Do not even think of touching me." She felt a fit of fuming anger bursting within, and there was no doubt whatsoever in her mind right now that if she did not get him to leave right now, she would probably do something she may come to regret very deeply. "I need you to leave."

"Come on, love —," He laughed like he thought that maybe she was joking around.

Lily wasn't like him. She didn't joke around when it came to things like these. "Right now." She pointedly uttered the words in a way that even he would be able to understand, and if he did not — well, she would lose all hope she had left with him.

He looked at her for a long while with a clenched jaw, then nodded his head. "I will talk to you once you are more willing to listen." Lily almost laughed at the nerve he had to say that about her when he wasn't even listening when she was practically begging him to do just that.

After he slammed the door and left the house, Lily fell down to the ground with a heavy heart and wept, shaking horribly while the tears poured down her cheeks.

By the end of that week, they talked things through and made up, and everything had been alright once again.

At least, for a while.

Here was the thing, Lily had been busy trying to ignore and forget the fact that on the day her father had decided to abandon her and their family, everything had changed whether she liked to admit it to herself or not, that she did not even realize how painfully similar to her father James was until it was far too late to change anything.

How fucking ironic.

It made her want to crawl up in a deep, dark hole and just die already.

Such life wasn't of any use.

"Black." Lily stared at the tall, dark-haired man — a boy really, across the book shop, and he spun around to face her, finding herself unable to read anything on his face per usual. She never could, even when they'd been in the same club together.

Lily gulped down her throat, feeling herself shiver unpleasantly in spite of herself.

Regulus Black sighed, looking decidedly more tired than anyone his age had any right to be. "Relax, I am not going to do anything to you. I am not my cousin." There was something rather melancholy about him, the way he stood, and the way he looked, so completely different from the dark-haired boy that she used to go to school with. "Truth to be told, I find the whole practice wholeheartedly sickening."

"Then why did you —," She cut herself off, shaking her head. "I am sorry. It's none of my business."

But he didn't seem to mind in the slightest.

"I wanted to make my mother happy, and it seemed like the right thing to do at the time." He said, with a surprising amount of honesty. It wasn't exactly his forte. He had walls built upon walls in his heart (though Sirius often joked around that he probably didn't have one, to begin with, making it almost impossible for anyone to get anywhere near close — that was Regulus Black that everybody at the school knew. "But regardless of what I did or tried to do, she never seemed to be happy." He blinked, appearing like he was surprised at himself too, then cleared his throat. "I —," He began, but Lily interrupted him, grabbing at his arm without much of a thought (later, Lily would scold herself for doing such a rude thing to somebody she barely had talked to in those past few years that they went to the school together).

"You should go to Dumbledore." She told him. "He can help. You know that he can."

However, he shook his head, appearing so very sad at that moment that she wished she could hug him tightly and tell him that everything was going to be alright. But of course, she could never promise such a thing, because nothing was ever alright lately. Her marriage with James seemed to be turning into shambles right before her eyes, and more than often, she awoke to find herself strangely hollow while her husband slept quietly by her bedside, devoid of any feeling.

"I do not trust Dumbledore, and if you are smart enough to realize the truth, you wouldn't either." He chuckled darkly, staring down at her with something akin to regret. "Besides, it's far too late for me to change anything."

"It's never too late —,"

"For me, it is." He released her hands from himself slowly, shaking his head at her a little too bitterly for her likeness. "Goodbye, Lily Evans."

He clasped a loose strand of her very red hair behind her ears, and smiled regretfully at her, causing her heart to clench painfully in her chest and before she could open her mouth to say something, to maybe stop him from leaving, he was gone from her sight.

She would never see him ever again, for as long as she lived.

When Harry James Potter was born on July 31st, truth to be told, she felt happier than she had her entire life, but she also felt very, very scared for him too.

It was a very painful world that they lived in, and there was the matter of her husband to worry about. How much of a good father could he possibly be to her newborn son when he failed to be a good husband to her most of the time? How would she be able to protect him from this world that was bound to disappoint and hurt him at every turn?

Lily didn't know, but she wasn't in a hurry to find out either.

"I want you to be the Godmother, Alice." If her husband could make Sirius Orion Black of all people a Godfather of their son without even consulting her, then she can make Alice the Godmother, regardless of what anybody said (it had been a whole five years since Alice had left to marry Frank, but still people distrusted her because of her family). It wasn't even that she disliked him per se, it was simply that he didn't have one single mature bone in his tall body that she didn't think him to be a good influence to her young son.

She wished he had asked Remus Lupin instead. At the very least, he was responsible and mature enough compared to the rest of his friend group and she could at the very least trust her son with him. With Sirius, however, she had a horrible feeling that she would be worried all the fucking time to even be able to calm down, causing her hair to turn gray long before it was supposed to.

Just kill her already. She couldn't handle this much stress at such a young age.

Alice blinked. "Godmother?" She repeated after her questioningly, gaping open-mouthingly at her.

"And I was wondering if it would be alright for Harry and little Neville to spend time together once they're old enough to play." She asked with a small smile, feeling rather giddy at the thought. "I want them to be close friends if that's alright."

Alice squealed with delight, enveloping her into a tight, but a very warm hug. "Oh, Lily, of course, it's alright!" She patted the back of her back, her arms rolling around her neck. "It's more than alright. I would be happy to, Lily." Then, she added with a hint of a concern, "Oh my darling, you really should eat more. Just recently pregnant women shouldn't be so thin. Look at you, you are just skin and bones."

"I haven't been feeling like eating much lately. That's probably why." Lily explained while she pulled away from the small blonde.

"You know, why don't you let Frank cook for you, darling? If his food doesn't make you want to eat, then I don't know what would."

"You know what?" Lily bit down on her lip, to prevent herself from grinning too much. "Let's do that."

"Wait just a moment then," Alice said with a wild, barely contained grin. "I will go and ask Frank."

Lily was then left alone in the living room, left to ponder and think, wondering when the empty ache in her heart would go away. "Come on, darling, let's go find somewhere more comfortable to sit." Alice came back barely a minute later with a huge grin, dragging her to her feet across the living room. "I have so much to tell you. You wouldn't believe what Frank tried to do when I was pregnant with Neville —,"

Lily smiled, her heart-tugging in her chest all too happy for the first time in a long while, wishing desperately that this moment could last forever.

She didn't want to go back home.

If anyone asked her, she thought the whole thing was the most ridiculous thing that she had ever heard. Thousands of wizards and witches far greater than her infant son tried and failed to fight him, and they somehow thought that Harry could do what they could not? It sounded like a bunch of rubbish to her. However, regardless of what she thought about it, it didn't erase the fact that one of the world's darkest wizards was after them now, and they desperately needed to find a place where he would not be able to find them.

"Sirius, why don't you go off your high horse and fuck yourself while you are at it?" Lily asked, glaring at the older man from across where she stood from her side of the table. "Remus is innocent, and you know it. Just because he doesn't tell every little detail of his life like you are prone to doing, it does not mean he is the spy, you mindless fucker."

"You would know, wouldn't you?" He snapped back. "Seeing as you and he had been spending a lot of time lately. It figures that you are the first to defend him."

Lily stared at him in pure disbelief, shaking her head in disgust. "I do not know if you realize, what with all the alcohol you consume, but some of us actually have some legitimate concerns about our lives." She informed him. "There's only so many times you can use your childhood as an excuse to be a horrible human being until it stops working, Sirius. Lots of people have awful childhoods without ending up to be narcissistic, self-involved assholes who are only capable of thinking about how to save themselves, Sirius. It doesn't excuse your actions, so get over yourself."

"Lily —," James opened his mouth to speak, probably to defend the actions of his so-called best friend, but Lily didn't allow him a chance to continue, for she turned on her heel and slammed the door behind her back.

Lily took one huge breath under her throat, then opened her mouth to find Remus standing there somewhat awkwardly, looking at her with the slightest hint of a smile playing across his lips.

"You deserve better than them, you know?"

He shrugged. "Maybe." It wasn't an agreement, but it wasn't a straight-out disagreement either. "But so do you." When she looked at him in the confusion, he added a little bit bagshingly. "You are unhappy, Lily. Did you really think that I would not notice? We are friends, are we not?"

Now it was her turn to shrug. "James did not." She said, falling down to the ground, sighing tiredly under her breath. "I am tired, Remus. When is all of this going to end?"

However, Remus looked every bit as uncertain as she felt.

May the gods have mercy on them all.

"Please — not Harry, not Harry! Kill me instead! Please, have mercy!" But it was no use. She could see it clearly in the creature's eyes that his mind was already set, that there really was nothing that she could do. "Please!"

"Stand aside, you silly girl!" Lily felt it then, the moment the deadly spell hit her body and she fell to the ground, slowly but certainly, the last being the sight of the creature looming over her darling son's crib.

Lily wanted to scream, but there was no will left in her body any longer.

Everything went blank at that moment when she finally closed her eyes for one last time, unable to hold it any longer.

Lily awoke to the sound of an alarm clock by her bedside ringing, startling awake on her bed.

"Shut that thing up, Evans, or else I swear that I would break it myself." Came the voice of Marlene McKinnon, a blond-haired witch that she hadn't seen in a half of a year after her family estate had been burnt to the ground last November.

She had a sleep mask covering her eyes, which she took off grumpily just in time to glare at her frustratingly across their shared dorm room.

Lily had the mind to turn it off then, though still feeling like she was having a very weird dream before the witch went all fuming and angry on her.

Marlene glared, frowning deeply at her across the room, then sighed and pulled down her sleep mask once again to the front of her voice and went back to sleep.

Taking a deep breath, Lily picked the newspaper that laid by the side of the bed, and curiously, eyed the date.

It said November 11, 1976.

Lily pinched her cheek, mustering as much of a strength as humanly possible.

It hurt like a bitch.

Staring at the distance, unable to fully register what that meant, Lily felt like she wanted to either throw up or collapse back into the bed. Neither one sounded very appealing.

Suddenly, the door burst open, revealing Mary MacDonald walking into the room with a very much alive, brown-skinned and dark-haired witch that resembled Dorcas Meadowes. They were holding hands together, looking relatively absolutely giddy with happiness.

It was at that moment her brain decided enough was enough and decided to faint.