Playlist: Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood - Nina Simone.
"You need a ride to your mom's today?"
Bella looked up from her instagram feed, considering the offer. After checking the weather through the kitchen window, she shakes her head at her Aunt Carmen.
"Nah, I think I'll bike it today. It's nice." She says.
Carmen smiled. She had been encouraging Bella to interact more with her mother again, without having Carmen there as a buffer. She was proud of her niece.
"Ok, baby. Call me if you need me to pick you up then."
She planted a quick kiss on Bella's forehead before heading into the living room.
Bella had been ready to go for over an hour. Her mother's house was only about 10 minutes away on her bike. The ride was even shorter in a car, but it wasn't the ride there that bothered her.
It was the sinking feeling of dread that always accompanied her on these visits. After the new living arrangements were made, it was agreed that Bella would visit every weekend. Renee mostly kept track of her daughter through Carmen, as Bella often ignored her messages and calls. Now, when they did speak it was usually when Alice called.
For all her faults, Renee knew that Bella did love her little sister. Due to their age gap, Bella had always taken on a more involved role in Alice's life, often caring for her when Renee worked or attended to other errands. After her husband's death, everything was more difficult -both financially and emotionally. Money was tight, tensions were high and Bella had secretly begun a prescription pill dependence that quickly consumed her.
The separation was hard on Alice, who was mature for her age, but still too young to understand the complex and nuanced realities of the situation. Alice knew the basics: Bella had done something bad and had to live with Aunt Carmen. It was an extended time out, as Renee had explained.
Whatever the reason, Alice simply missed her big sister. And Bella missed her back.
Bella sighed as she finally put her phone in her tiny backpack. Making sure she had everything - Keys, Chapstick, iPhone and Wallet- she made her way outside and onto her bike.
Little Alice was perched on the porch swing when Bella pulled up. Upon seeing her, Alice immediately jumped up, running quickly down the steps and into the arms of her sister.
"Hi!" She breathed, as Bella squeezed her.
"Hi" Bella whispered, not expecting the pressure of tears she felt behind her eyes. It felt like she had been away from her baby, and though she loved seeing her, it also hurt. It served as a reminder of what she had done - how selfish she had been and how much worse it could have been.
"Come inside! I helped Mommy make macaroni and cheese!" Alice exclaimed loudly, obviously proud of herself.
"Reallyyyy? How come you've never helped me?" Bella asked playfully, letting herself be pulled along.
Alice giggled. "Cause I'm learning now, duh!"
Bella was relieved to find that the foyer and kitchen were empty, giving her a few more moments to brace herself for her mother.
Once in the kitchen, Bella and Alice got to work plating the Macaroni and setting up the table. While the sisters worked, Alice caught Bella up on all the inconsequential details of her life. Right in the middle of a story about the class pet - a turtle name Shelly- Renee walked into the kitchen.
"Hi." She said, her eyes taking in Bella. This always annoyed Bella, as she knew she was looking for signs of…whatever. Bella had to restrain an eye-roll and slick comment. She was determined to have a good visit this time.
"Hey." She responded evenly.
"How are you?"
Renee took a seat, her dirty-blond hair falling out of her top knot. Bella and Alice followed suit, sitting on the opposite side of the table.
"Um. Things are good. School is Monday."
Renee nodded, her eyes flashing over to Alice before setting once again on Bella.
"You've got everything? Backpack, Pencils…?"
"Yeah, I'm good. And got new stuff for Dance team too."
"Oh. I didn't think they'd keep you on…after.." Renee commented, waving her hands as her words trailed off.
Bella could feel her irritation spike instantly, the anger iron hot around her chest. She could feel the skin around her cheeks and neck getting warm, surely making her look like a tomato.
They couldn't have one conversation without it being brought up. It was embarrassing and heartbreaking and discouraging and…hurtful. She felt so alone in these situations - her mother had all this ammunition against her. How the fuck could she ever justify half the shit she had done?
But more than that, Bella had always had her mother to defend her. Renee was as protective as they came. No one was allowed to mess with her babies, not even themselves. It hadn't felt her mother was defending her in a long time.
It felt like, Bella wasn't her's to defend anymore.
Aunt Carmen had assured Bella that her mother didn't mean to be insensitive. Instead, she had explained that her sister was serving up a heaping dose of tough love. Emphasis on the tough.
"That has nothing to do with dance." Bella ground out.
Renee sat up straight, picking up her fork. To Bella, it looked like a defensive stance, a woman prepared for battle. Suddenly, Alice's sweet voice cut through the tension.
"I wanna dance, too" With her wide eyes, and cheese smeared cheeks, she was too cute. Renee reached over to wipe it off, licking her thumb before doing so.
"I'll take you to practice one day. You wanna do that?" Bella asked.
"Yes!" Alice responded , bouncing in her seat. "Can I mommy!?"
Looking up, Bella hoped that her expression conveyed what she didn't say out loud: Just trust me.
Renee looked at Bella, her eyes softening just a bit. She swallowed, nodding her head. There would be no fight this time.
"Sure. One time would be nice, baby."
For the first time in a long time, Bella beamed at something her mother said.
Monday morning, Bella found herself staring at the bags under her eyes. She had a bad night, tossing and turning before she had succumbed to sleep only three hours before.
Her father had a lot to say last night.
In the mirror, Bella pulled and squished her skin, wondering if she still had concealer. Briefly perusing her sad-excuse of a make-up bag, she found that she had none.
Ugh.
With a groan, Bella dropped her hands and decided to fix what she could. She wasn't a heavy make up girl- not because she didn't like it but because whenever she tried, she ended up looking like a little girl who had gotten into her mother's stash.
A quick swipe of mascara, shaking out her curls and light gloss was all she could manage before realizing she was late. Grabbing both her bags - one for school and one for practice- she ran down the steps.
She briefly looked around the living room, wondering if Carmen would be there. She was a Nurse, and while she didn't work every day - only four days a week- when she did, she tended to take longer shifts.
Making her way into the kitchen, Bella spotted a breakfast smoothie in a to-go bottle on the counter. The post-it note next to it read:
Junior Year! Be Good! Luv, C
Bella smiled at her Aunt's thoughtfulness and sat down to drink her smoothie. She was definitely late now, but she figured that if she was gonna be late it had better be on a full stomach.
Pulling up to Port Angeles High School, Bella didn't bother to chain her bike. She was ten-minutes late, and really didn't want to encourage any more speculation. It would be just what she needed.
Not.
Shaking her head, she made a deliberate effort to push the negative thoughts into the back of her mind. She could hear the chant they'd taught her at Narcotics Anonymous:
Your life is as good as your mindset
A large part of her taught it was bullshit. Life didn't work like that. Not really.
A larger part of her wanted to believe it was true.
After shoving her extra bag into her locker, and picking up her new schedule, Bella quickly made her way to her first class. She was 6 minutes late.
Finally finding the room, Bella turns the knob only the find it locked. She knocks.
When the door opens, she is surprised to find none other than Edward on the other side, his expression only slightly surprised.
"Tsk, Tsk." he whispers playfully. Bella couldn't have stopped the smile on her face if she tried.
"Shush." she responds.
"Miss Swan, are you waiting for an invitation?" deadpanned, earning a few chuckles from students.
"No. Sorry."
Bella quickly walked past Edward, smelling his fresh scent. She stopped only briefly, before taking the first seat she found. Next to her sat James, a greasy boy who's only claim to fame was getting a blow-job from Vicky Sanders behind the bleachers last spring. Offering him a quick smile, Bella turned her body, hoping to discourage any talking.
Of course- she wasn't that lucky.
"Hey, Bella."
Turning around only slightly, she once again offers James a polite smile this time throwing a wave over her shoulder.
"How are you? Doing better?" He asks, no doubt referring to her eventful summer.
Bella sighs. Part of her is pissed - can't he see that being here is already hard enough? What makes him think anyone would want to talk about that? She almost wants to curse him out. Another part of her can hear the sincerity in his voice- he seems genuinely curious and maybe even concerned. She sighs, channeling her inner hippie and relaxing.
"I'm good. Thanks."
"That's good, that's cool." He nods.
"Am I boring you?"
Bella and James both look up, their eyes wide. They find Mr. Banner standing irritated.
"You guys wanna share?" He asks.
Bella shakes her head 'no'.
"Stop talking, I won't ask again. It's the first day, people."
James sighs, and for the next 30 minutes, Bella makes sure that when her eyes aren't sneaking peeks at Edward, they're looking at the board.
The rest of the school day is much the same. Most people treat her normally- at least to her face. Some don't care. Others find inadvertent ways to get information, but Bella keeps it short and sweet with everyone.
Lunch time is spent with Rosalie, Angela, Zafrina and Jasper. The period is spent scrolling phones, sharing memes and talking boys.
"So, I saw Emmet again today," Rose mentions, obviously trying to remain casual in front of the rest of the crew.
"Oh, honey. I heard about Friday night." Jasper says barely holding in his laughter. He reaches over to pat Rose's hand.
She slaps it, shooting him a glare.
"Stop it, Jasper. That shit was so embarrassing."
"What'd he say?" Zafrina asks.
"He said it was fine. It was mostly alcohol so…" she says shrugging. "He asked me to wait for him after football tryout's to talk. So, he doesn't hate me."
"How are you gonna talk with his dick in your mouth?" Jasper asks, his face serious. All the other girls crack up, holding their bellies and wiping their tears.
"I fucking hate all of you." Rosalie mutters.
"Anyway, need a friend to watch tryouts with? Doesn't matter- I'm coming anyway. There is no way I am missing all that man-ass" Angela says.
"Of course! You guys are coming too, right?" Rose asks, looking around to the rest of the crew.
"Can't. We have dance practice today." Bella says.
Rosalie narrows her eyes before a smirk tugs at the corner of her lips.
"Edward will be there." She says.
Bella can feel her face heat up. She hadn't seen him since first period, and couldn't help but feel excited at the thought of seeing him later.
Stop it, She told herself.
She was also surprised to hear he played. Or was trying to. She hadn't gotten the jock vibe from him, but when she thought back to his figure, she could see it. He was definitely fit.
"Oh yeah, I heard all about you from my cousin this weekend" says Jasper, a mischievous twinkle in his blue eyes.
"No you didn't" says Bella, wanting to vomit.
"Ok, I didn't. But he did mention you."
"What'd he say?"
"Said he took you and drunky home. Then he asked if you were single."
"No, he didn't," She began to dismiss. "What'd you tell him?"
"That I wasn't sure."
Bella sighed. And just like that, she was taken to place in her mind she worked everyday to escape.
Bella was definitely single -for good reason.
She hadn't seen Riley since the incident. Before then, she had known him for three years. A year after the death of her father, Riley became her go-to. Upon first meeting him, it seemed they had a lot in common: dead parents, a crippling sense of loneliness and the overwhelming desire for more.
It wasn't long before he became her drug plug. He was kind and charming, especially to a fourteen-year old Bella. She didn't know he was dealing drugs when they met, but she did get the feeling that he was shady.
The seemingly misunderstood boy fascinated Bella. He was like her, she thought, but way cooler. He was older and had done shit Bella had never even heard of.
Looking back, he was the wrong person at the wrong time…but she couldn't help herself. She was angry and riddled with angst. Her mom was working extra hard, having picked up another job to make ends meet. Alice was practically a baby, so confused. Her friends didn't know how to reach her, and she felt so alone, so empty. Disconnected.
Riley was the first person to help her feel…something. Never mind that it usually involved drugs- Bella would try anything, as long as it came in pill form. Riley had plenty to try. She was almost never fully sober in his presence and sometimes, he'd hook her up for free.
It felt like love. Feeling good, for just one moment. It felt like love.
They had never officially defined their relationship. He dropped out his Junior year- Bella was a freshman- and moved farther out of town, but whenever they saw each other, they did couple things. Riley was her first everything but kiss.
Bella grimaces.
Sometimes, she gets the urge to respond to his texts and indulge. Run away like she used to, and act like she didn't have a care in the world.
But she's better now. She's trying to be. She knows she can't be where she was only three months ago.
And she could always hear Carmen's voice.
"That isn't love, Bella. You don't treat the people you love the way Riley treated you."
He texted her occasionally. Some messages were apologetic. Others were angry and accusatory. Some messages claimed she owed him money. She ignored every one, but still couldn't conjure up the guts to block him.
Doing so felt like completely letting go of that version of herself. Bella was working on it.
Taking a deep breath, Bella schooled her expression into one of indifference.
"I am single. And I'm staying that way." She says before picking up her apple and bag.
Realizing his mistake too late, Jasper stands, hoping to apologize. Rose grabs his arm, pulling him back. She shakes her head, watching Bella escape. Right before she walks out of the cafeteria, she catches Edward's eye. He offers her a bright smile, before catching her expression. His brows furrow and the smile slips from his face.
She looks away, her feet moving at a furious pace as she leaves the cafeteria.
A/N: Wrote this on my lunch break. Edited best as I could. Leave me a thought!